


Phoenix

by deathbyfiction



Category: Bucky Barnes - Fandom, Captain America, MCU, Marvel, Winter Soldier - Fandom
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Marvel - Freeform, Multi, Slow Build, Slow Burn, mcu - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:54:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 80
Words: 237,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26920225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathbyfiction/pseuds/deathbyfiction
Summary: S Rogers, Leaman Place, Brooklyn Heights, BrooklynOnly she’s not the S Rogers he was looking for and now she’s in over her head
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 110
Kudos: 192





	1. am I more than you bargained for yet?

**Author's Note:**

> good Lord I’ve taken a lot of liberties in stretching a plot  
> this is a non Civil War non End Game timeline / world  
> also this is my first Bucky fic, I’ve been writing for DAYS I figure if I put up the first part I’ll have to keep going

“I have a knife” 

It was a keyring box cutter in my back pocket but the guy dressed in head to toe black that had just stumbled out from behind the dumpster I was putting the trash in didn’t need to know that. 

“I know martial arts” 

My previous housemate had gifted me a self defence DVD hosted by Natasha Romanoff before I moved to Brooklyn ‘just in case’ so technically that claim was true. Even though I’d only done it once then questioned my life choices when I could barely walk the next day.

He lurched towards me, I stepped back and grabbed the box cutter from my jeans pocket, as I put it out in front of me he fell to his knees and threw up, narrowly missing my new(ish) sneakers. 

“You are so... DRUNK... you wanna turn yourself around and head back to the Main Street, don’t pass out in an alley, I assure you that it is zero fun”

“Steve...” a deep rough voice rose from the person shaped heap on the concrete 

“Is that your drinking pals name?” 

“S... S Rogers, Brooklyn Heights” 

“Well I’m S Rogers, but I ain’t Steve...” I slipped the box cutter back into my pocket “Savannah Rogers” 

“Dancing... Monkey” 

“That’s the old name, my new signage hasn’t arrived yet” 

I’d bought Dancing Monkey tattoo and piercing parlour six weeks ago with a large inheritance left to me by an Aunt I’d had no idea existed until she passed. I live in the apartment above. The apartment I was retiring to after I’d taken out the trash. Usually my shop assistant, Jed, did this but it had been a slow day, I was going to close early so sent him home. Literally as he’d pulled the door closed behind him two walk ins had come in so I’d stayed. Meaning it was now nearing midnight and I was standing in the alleyway near the dumpsters, confused. 

“Married Steve...” he’d pulled himself into a siting position, meaning I could now make out his face under the peak of his lowered baseball cap. He looked rough, like he’d been on a six month bender in a war zone, dried blood caked his stubble, yellowing bruises formed around his eyes “Steve’s... wife” 

“Nope... I’m Rogers by birth... sorry I don’t know any Steve Rogers... I mean unless you mean Captain America Steve Rogers, who yes did live in Brooklyn Heights in the NINETEEN THIRTIES... it’s twenty twenty dude” 

“Yes” 

“Yes what? Yes you mean Captain America? Dude whatever you’re on... what is it peyote? Take your trip out of my alley... if you want Steve Rogers try Manhattan, Stark Tower aka Avengers HQ, by all means walk up to the door see what happens...” 

“Help... me...” It was so weak, so pathetic, like a wounded puppy wrapped in rags. He slumped forward again mouth open. 

“Hey...” I nudged him with the toe of my sneakers and he fell sideways “SHIT” I bent down and tried to rouse him but he didn’t stir “HEY... HEY WAKE UP... what’s your name?” I slipped my hand inside each and any visible pockets trying to find a wallet, something with ID but came away empty handed, I took my phone from my other back pocket “Siri call nine one one...” 

“No... no... Steve... only Steve” 

“Nine one one what is your emergency?” 

“Sorry... my mistake...” I hung the call up “Hey Siri is there a nine one one type number but for the Avengers?” 

“OK here’s what I found on the web... to arrange for a personalised message from your favourite Avenger please call...” 

“I’ll take that as a no... hey do you have a name?”

“James...” 

“Just James?” 

“I don’t know” 

“Well just James this is your lucky day, one I’m a sucker for stray animals, two I’m an insomniac that’s had far too many energy drinks today and three I love an adventure, even better when there’s intrigue involved... do you think you can stand?” 

“Uh huh” 

It took him a couple of attempts to even get himself into a position he could stand up from. I offered him my hand which he accepted with an iron grip, so much so I swear I could feel the bones in my hands grinding together in a very unhealthy way. 

He was taller than me, but only just, the layers of clothing he’d swaddled himself in prevented me from seeing his figure but he was broad. 

“I know it’s November but you have enough layers to withstand Siberia... seriously dude just buy a padded jacket like the rest of us...” 

“Steve...” 

“Savannah... my Mom would tan my hide so hard if she knew what I was doing... we’re aiming for that Jeep there... you want Steve Rogers I’ll take you to Steve Rogers but if that doesn’t work I’m taking you to the nearest ER... do we have a deal?” 

He made a groaning sound that I took as confirmation. I slung his right arm over my shoulder and did my best to drag him to the car, thanking my upper body strength for being stronger than average so I was able to move him. 

I literally had to manhandle him into the passenger seat of my ancient Jeep. Twice I had to push him back into a sitting position before I could buckle him in. 

“You smell... SO BAD... just so you know” 

The engine started first time, roaring to life, I hadn’t held out much hope that it would on this cold winters night, just like I didn’t hold out much hope you could just roll up to Stark Tower and ask to see Steve Rogers but tonight was already weird, may as well let it get weirder. 

The roads into the city were quiet, and thankfully I saw no cops. Getting pulled over with a semi conscious man in my passenger seat who may or may not be called James on our way to see Captain America wouldn’t fly with the New York City police. I didn’t need to spent another night in a cell caused by my lust for adventure. 

Does Stark Tower have a parking garage? How was I going to do this? I hadn’t thought this out. The only thing I had decided was that this man, this James, was probably NOT going to kill me, skin me and do voodoo with my corpse. I mean he’d have to be fully conscious for that for a start. And I still had the box cutter, now nestled in the pocket inside the drivers door along with a can of mace and a personal attack alarm. 

There were no signs for Stark Tower, why wasn’t it sign posted? Manhattan... just because you can see it doesn’t mean you know how to get to it. 

“Siri... open maps... directions to Stark Tower, lower Manhattan” 

“I can’t’ find Stark Tower” 

“Siri directions to Avengers HQ” 

“I can’t find Avengers HQ” 

Great Siri, just great, I mean it’s the tallest building in the city, why can’t you find it? Fine. 

“James... you still with me?” Another mumble I took as a yes “This might take a little longer than anticipated...” 

I took what felt like endless turns, every time I got closer to it I had to turn in a different direction back away from it. Did it even have a street entrance? It must do, normal people work there, not just people who can land on the roof... we went in a circle, him whining when I took a sharp left. 

“Shit... shit are you bleeding?” It was hard to tell in the dark, even with the illuminating glow of the street lights but I could make out a dark substance dripping from the left hand sleeve of his coat “Why are you BLEEDING? Please don’t bleed on my interior, it’s hard to clean... shit...” I rummaged in the back seat for my gym bag, luckily it was open and I pulled out my towel hurling it in the direction the liquid was coming from “Yes it smells, although as I mentioned before... SO DO YOU I mean seriously did you bathe in piss, sweat and shit dude, Jesus” 

“Arm...” 

“Yeah your arm is bleeding” 

“Detaching” 

“DETACHING... that’s it... fuck this... I’m taking you to the ER” 

The sudden movement from him, a flurry of his right hand which was now placed on top of mine on the gear stick startled me. 

“Steve...” 

“Christ ok, it’s your funeral...” 

From the bottom, Stark Tower just looked like the entrance to all the other skyscrapers, totally nondescript, and with only a small identification plaque near the main doors meaning I drove past it twice before I could slow down enough to get a good look long enough to confirm it was the right building without craning my neck skyward. 

I saw no signage indicating I couldn’t park directly out front, or that my vehicle wouldn’t be towed so I banked the curb directly outside the front doors. 

“Stay here... please” 

The lobby lights were on, but there was no one there, no security, no... I don’t know? Robots, didn’t Tony Stark have robots now? I was about to hammer on the door when I noticed an intercom system on the wall between the two main doors. 

“Hi... I’m looking for Steve Rogers?” I held and released the button, speaking as clearly as possible into the intercom

“This is Stark Tower, please select from the following options... one, if you have a delivery... two, if you have a scheduled appointment... three, to hear a recording of the history of Stark Tower and four...” there was a pause and change from monotonous robotic voice to a human one “... if there is a cataclysmic event, this is Tony Stark by the way, only press four if it’s an emergency, abuse of this will be a punishment that I’ll think of depending on the severity of the idiotic request you have” 

I pushed four. 

———

“Ohhhh this better be good, you know I can see you right? And that I have access to all kind of information to know there isn’t a international incident occurring right now?”

“I’m looking for Steve Rogers” I looked upward until my eyes were met with what was the security camera, the little red light blinking away.

“So are a lot of women, though we’ve never had one brazen enough to waltz up to the front door and ask for him... I’m feeling generous and I admire your ballsy attitude, plus I was still awake... so I’ll give you five minutes to remove yourself and that heap of a vehicular disaster away from my building... goodnight crazy lady” 

“Please I found a guy in an alley who’s looking for him” 

“He’s Captain America, famously bisexual, everyone wants America’s Ass” 

I heard the clunk and thud of my Jeep door opening and closing then the shuffle of painful weighted steps until he was beside me. 

“Steve...” 

“He says his name is James?” 

There was a pause that felt like an eternity and I could hear only breathing via the intercom speaker. 

“Please stay exactly where you are” all the jest was gone from his voice 

While we waited, for what I wasn’t sure, I took stock of James. He was clearly having trouble standing, his left side was drooping, as if weighed down. He was still clutching the towel I’d given him. Not wrapped it around a wound he knew of, instead it was gripped in his leather gloved hand, sopping with bright red blood. Where there had once been a cartoon mermaid playfully lounging on rocks there was now a murder scene. 

As I went to open my mouth, the thoughts turning to words that would sound something like what the fuck the lobby elevator doors opened and a small crowd of people rushed towards us. A tall man in a white lab coat, a female in green hospital scrubs and leading the charge was the man himself Steve Rogers. Steve Rogers in grey sweats and a blue hoodie. Behind him was the owner of the building, Tony Stark in the flesh. Wearing flannel pyjamas. 

The main doors were thrust open so hard I’m surprised they didn’t come off altogether. James was pulled between Steve Rogers and the man in the lab coat and before I could say anything he was dragged inside the building, the lady in the scrubs walking backwards looking between James and a data pad in her hands. The elevator doors hadn’t closed yet from when they arrived so they didn’t need to stop and wait before stepping in, the doors swiftly closing behind them.

Leaving just me, just me and Tony Stark. 

“Name?” 

“He said his name was James” I was looking at the closed elevator doors expecting them to reopen 

“Your name” 

“Oh... right...” I looked at Tony Stark, his expression was unreadable, but not stern or angry “Savannah... Savannah Rogers” 

“Rogers? Are you related to...” he jerked his thumb towards the building 

“Not that I’m aware, but I do live in Brooklyn Heights” 

“That explains it” 

“Explains what?” 

“Savannah, I’m gonna need to you step inside with me, there’s certain protocol for this type of... event” 

“My Jeep” I was too dumbfounded to say anything else 

“I’m not a man who is... unfamiliar with emotional attachments to worthless machinery... I assure you, your... vehicle will be fine, when we get inside you can give me the keys and I’ll put it in the garage for you ok?” 

“I found him behind the dumpsters” 

“Yuh huh...”. He slung a flannel arm over my shoulder and guided me inside “I’m sure you did... save it for the suits though...” 

“Suits?” 

I handed him my Jeep key and was lead to a ground floor interrogation room, there was no denying it was anything BUT an interrogation room, a singular plain black table was in the middle of the room surrounded by four chairs, one of the walls had a huge mirror built into it, no doubt two way. Everything else about the room was totally nondescript, white, just white. 

“I’m really sorry about this, truly I am, I believe that you are a kind hearted citizen that found a wounded man in an alleyway, but...” he sighed and pulled out a chair for me to sit on, one of the ones facing the mirror “... protocol... superhero’s are monitored now, I’d be happy to supply you legal council if you wish... a neutral party of course...” I shook my head “... can I get you a drink at least? Something to eat?” 

“How long will this take?” 

“Do you need to notify anyone that you won’t be somewhere? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Cat?” 

“My cat wouldn’t notice if I died in front of her so... but I will take a Diet Coke if you’ve got one”

“Sure thing... sadly I’m going to have to take your cell... I’m sorry... it’s...” 

“Protocol?” 

“Right” 

I took my cell from my back pocket and slid it across the table, he picked it up and placed it in the breast pocket of his pyjamas, tapping it once as if to say ‘it’s safe’. He gave me a half grin half grimace and walked towards the door to exit the room. 

“Mr Stark for what it’s worth, it’s been a pleasure to meet you, even if it’s been under... strange circumstances” 

“The pleasure has been all mine believe me... and MISS Rogers? I somehow get the feeling we’ll meet again” 

With that he was gone. 

I don’t know how long I waited, there was no clock, and no windows so I couldn’t gauge if the sun was rising, it must’ve been gone two am when we arrived at Stark Tower. My mind drifted to James, was he ok? Was he still in this building? Who was he? 

I got up and paced around the table a few times. I hadn’t heard footsteps coming towards me but the door opened and a brunette woman in navy blue business attire stepped in, in one hand she held my requested Diet Coke, the other an iPad. 

“Miss Rogers, my name is Agent Hill, I’m the CIA liaison for Stark Industries, please take a seat”  
I sat back down with her opposite me, she passed me the can, which I cracked open and drained halfway, I hadn’t realised how thirsty I was “I’m going to ask you some questions, can you confirm your name and date of birth please” 

“Savannah... Daisy Rogers, fifteenth of August nineteen eighty five” 

“And you live at...” she glanced at her iPad, then back at me raising her eyebrow “Dancing Monkey... Leaman Place, Brooklyn Heights correct?” 

“TECHNICALLY it’s not called Dancing Monkey anymore but the signage hasn’t arrived yet, but yes” 

“Good... do you now or have you ever had any association with the organisation HYDRA?’ 

“No... what’s HYDRA?” 

“Are you involved with at present or have been in the past with the Winter Soldier program?” 

“No” 

“Are you now or have you ever been affiliated with any military organisation?” 

“No... look I’m a tattooist and body piercer, I found a guy in the alley behind my store, he wanted Steve Rogers, I brought him to Steve Rogers” 

“Has anyone in your family ever been connected to the organisations I mentioned?” 

“No” 

“Mom? Dad?” 

“Look lady what do you want me to say?” 

‘The truth would be very helpful” 

“Dad...” I sighed “... was killed in a hit and run while my Mom was eight months pregnant with me, my Mom was a middle school teacher, we inherited some money from a relative of my fathers, someone we’d not met, enough for me to buy my business and enough for my Mom to take early retirement, buy an RV and live out her crusty hippy road trip dreams... neither of us have ever had any... affiliation with the military... my Dad was a college drop out with dreams of starting a vegetarian restaurant in the village... no one, not even my grandparents were in the military” 

“Can you tell me about your arrest record?” 

“Rebellious youth with a slight narcotics issue, I never served time, a fine, some community service, a couple of overnight stays courtesy of the NYPD... wouldn’t recommend it as a place to stay” 

She sighed and pursed her lips. 

“That’ll be all Miss Rogers... you are free to leave, however... I need to you to sign an NDA”

“NDA?” 

“Non Disclosure Agreement, meaning you are legally contracted to NOT speak to ANYONE about the events of this evening, you closed your store, took out the trash and went up to your apartment where you watched TV with your cat...” another glance at the iPad “...Alpine?” 

“So I didn’t find a wounded man in the alley called James who wanted to see Steve Rogers and from the look of it Steve Rogers wanted to see him” 

“That’s correct” 

“And I sign it and I can leave?” 

“Of course” 

“Fine” 

“Unfortunately... we’ll have to impound and keep your cell and your vehicle for... evidence... you will be compensated for both” 

“And how do I explain that?” 

“Cells get dropped, vehicles in alleys in Brooklyn get stolen” She pushed the ipad towards me, an x on the screen where I needed to sign, which I did, with haste “We at Stark Industries appreciate your cooperation in the matter” 

“What matter?” 

“Exactly... you are free to go... there is a vehicle waiting outside to take you home” 

“Can I ask YOU a question? Is he going to be OK?” 

“He will receive our upmost care and attention” 

“Who is he?” 

“You’re free to go now...” she pushed her chair away from the table and stood up, making her way towards the door, pulling it open “... and I wouldn’t bother... searching the internet for answers, the man in the alley... you won’t find anything” 

She closed the door with a hard slam behind her. 

———

In the weeks that followed that night I became increasingly paranoid. Convinced I was being “watched”. There seemed to be a unmarked black SUV wherever I went, home, the gym, the store, the suppliers, the movies... but of course I couldn’t tell anyone. 

Then there were the people, people so nondescript they stood out against the colourful community I lived in. Every time I glance at them they’d look away, down at their phones, bury their nose into a newspaper, or simply walk in the opposite direction to me. 

I still hadn’t been “compensated” for my Jeep or my cell. I’d bought a new cell the next day but my Jeep? What was I supposed to do? Call Tony Stark? I’d signed a legally binding document to say that night hadn’t happened. When people asked me why I hadn’t replaced my Jeep (after saying it was stolen) I said the insurance was dragging their heels in paying out plus living and working at the same address and everything else in my life within walking or subway ride distance I wasn’t concerned about my lack of vehicle right now. 

I’d tried Googling James / Steve Rogers, even with the paranoia that my search could be flagged by... someone... all I could find was that the only James that had any connection to Steve Rogers had died in World War Two and as for Winter Soldier, that just gave me links to Disney’s Frozen, HYDRA? took me to sites selling over priced water bottles. I thought long and hard about trying to find someone who could help me navigate the ‘dark web’ maybe something was on there. But I knew that if I got arrested again, this time, the third strike would probably mean more than community service, regardless of the ‘crime’. 

The best thing I could do would be to simply get on with my life and enjoy my memory of a pyjama clad Iron Man and the fact that Captain America up close really WAS a mountain of a man. 

Christmas came and went, as did New Years Eve. Mom stayed with me for the holidays, her RV stored in a long stay garage. I debated telling her, I really did, but she was so full of tales of her road tripping adventures I didn’t want to worry her. Or let on I’d had a brush with the law, especially the CIA. Although she’d been a wild child she’d always been more disappointed than angry with me when I was... lost, and I couldn’t bear to see that look of disappointment on her face once again. 

A week after I’d waved her off as she headed to warmer territory I was waiting on a booked client, a chest piece that I’d started last summer, but with one thing or another, money mainly, I’d never finished it. As I was going to lock the shop to give my client my full concentration I’d sent my apprentice home to work on his portfolio. 

Half an hour after they were due for their appointment I called them to see if they’d got stuck in traffic. No answer. Maybe they were on the subway with no reception? Another fifteen minutes went by. I was sat at the front desk making sure I had everything I needed ready for them as they arrived. 

When the store door bell rang I didn’t look up, I tried to compose my anger about their tardiness without notifying me prior, especially as I’d turned away a walk in that would’ve made me an easy hundred bucks plus tip. 

“Miss Rogers?” 

I looked up to see a ‘suit’, male, dark glasses despite the January gloom outside, wearing the male version of the nondescript business attire, a navy blue suit. 

“I haven’t breached my NDA” 

“We are aware... and we apologise for...” 

“Who’s ‘we’?” 

“As I was saying we apologise for not making contact sooner, the process has been more... lengthy than we anticipated...” 

“You owe me a car” 

“We do... that’s why I’m here, we have a new vehicle waiting for you at Stark Tower, and to thank you for your kindness Captain Rogers has requested that he personally hands you the keys... so if you’ll come with me...” 

“I have an appointment, I can’t just ditch a client because Captain America says so, I’ve got bills to pay and a reputation to up hold” 

“Ahh yes your client that was due almost an hour ago...” he raided his hands slightly “... nothing untoward has happened to them, but the subway they took has suffered a unexpected power outage” 

“I KNEW I WAS BEING WATCHED” 

“Would you believe me if I told you that we had your best interests at heart by doing so?” 

“No” 

“I didn’t think you would... you’ll return with me?” 

“I’d like to see some identification first”

“Certainly it would be unwise not to...” he reached into the inside pocket of his suit jacket and pulled out a black leather wallet, opening it and holding it up so I could see his badge and ID card “...as you can see my name is Agent Coulson, you previously met my colleague Agent Hill”

“I’ll get my coat” 

We rode in silence, me in the backseat, Agent Coulson in the front next to the driver. Not even a sentence of light chit chat about the traffic, or the weather, or who the fuck James was, nothing.

We didn’t pull to a stop outside the tower, instead we went through a barrier and down into an underground parking level. I saw him before the car had come to a stop and when it did he opened my door and offered me his hand to aid me, not that I needed it. 

“Agent Coulson” 

“Captain Rogers” 

I closed the door and the black unmarked SUV headed off out of sight. 

“Sorry about that... he’s not much of a conversationalist... and sorry for not saying anything to you... when... on that... night... I’m Steve, Steve Rogers” 

“Savannah Rogers” 

I held out my hand for him to shake, which he did, with care. I noted that he was dressed in what I would describe as his best ‘meeting the public without needing the suit’ clothes, pressed chinos and a button up shirt. 

“I like your... tattoos, you’re a artist right? In my day... I mean before I went... to war, tattoo parlours were dirty backstreet affairs frequented by sailors” 

“I guess a lot has changed huh?” 

“Yeah... for the better I mean... your hair is... what colour is that?”

“Teal” 

“I like it... I mean not that women need validation from men anymore, or that they ever did... sorry I’m babbling...” he put his hand in his left chino pocket and pulled out a key fob and handed it to me “... this is yours...” he pointed to the brand new matte black Jeep behind him “I’ve erm... well I’ve never even bought myself a car never mind anyone else, and I’m truly sorry that your old one had to be... destroyed” 

“Destroyed?” 

“For your safety...” he turned around and pulled open the drivers door for me to look inside “... I’m assured it has all the modern... amenities and all the items that were in there when it was... impounded have been replaced” 

I blushed furiously as I recalled the duffle of dirty laundry that I was going to take to the laundrette, and the gym bag full of sweaty workout clothes along with my... perhaps questionable CD collection. He didn’t seem to notice my blushing and carried on motioning to the array of shopping bags on the bag seat. 

“I didn’t... I mean I didn’t look inside, everything was itemised and then... who knows who... but someone bought replacements, I hope it’s all to your liking?” 

“It’s a bit much... I mean... I didn’t really...” 

“You did me the greatest favour I could have ever have asked, of anyone” 

“And that’s all you can say?” 

“It’s... safer the less you know, but there is someone else who’d like to say thank you...” I looked around and couldn’t see anyone, I expected Tony Stark to jump out of the trunk “Buck? It’s safe I promise” 

A figure emerged from the rear of my new Jeep, they’d been hidden in the shadow until now. Now they were stood in the light. And it was like a holy vision. A man, six foot tall, broad shoulders, left arm in a fancy sling, dressed in black jeans, black boots and a sweater the same colour as my hair. A handsome face with well groomed stubble, light bright blue eyes, and soft fluffy brown short hair. 

“James?” 

“Most people call me Bucky” 

He reached out his right hand to me, but he didn’t shake it as Steve did, he held it, squeezing my fingers. As he did I felt something weird happen to me. My heart rate sped up, beating so wildly I thought it was going to leap out of my chest. My lower abdomen tingled, sweat began to pool under my arms and across my forehead. Was I having a heart attack? I mentally ran through all the possibilities of what was wrong with me, over caffeinated? no more than normal. The blush that has dissipated returned and stronger this time. Was I having an anxiety attack? No, I didn’t want to immediately leave this situation. A stroke? No nothing was numb. Oh... oh god no... 

I was attracted to him. 

“Bucky...” 

“Savannah Rogers...” 

I noticed Steve look at Bucky and then at me, frowning slightly. I pulled my hand back after I realised I was still holding on to him. 

“I should go... thanks for the car, and everything... Jame... Bucky I’m glad you’re in better... erm shape than you were last time we met” 

“Oh ok” Steve looked slightly... put out by my desire to leave “...well the ownership papers and so on are in the glovebox... if there’s anything you ever need...” 

“I’ll push four” I was already in the Jeep 

“Yeah...” he laughed “push four... come on Buck, thanks again Savannah” 

“No problem” 

“Thank you” Bucky offered me a wide smile before he followed Steve towards a door that must have led back into the tower. 

Without stopping to get my heart rate under control I turned the engine one and sped out of the garage and on to the street. 

———

I was uncomfortable the whole drive home. Wriggling in my seat. Overcome with... desire.  
I parked the Jeep in the alley and practically ran upstairs to my apartment. Through the door, through the living area and straight to my bedroom slamming the door behind me. 

I threw myself face first on to my bed. No, no, no, I could not, I would not feel attraction. I’d been perfectly happy since I accepted my a sexuality, perfectly grey, I’d done my time lusting over people, then having my heart broken spectacularly. My a sexuality had become my comfort blanket, life was... good. I didn’t need a person. I had me, and that was all I needed. I’d outgrown desire, lust, all that stuff. I found some people more aesthetically pleasing than others but I couldn’t fathom ever making physical or romantic contact with them. 

But Bucky, I couldn’t get him out of my brain, it was like every sex scene I’d ever seen, every porno I’d chanced across was on repeat, except with me and him as the stars of the show. I wanted him on top of me underneath me, behind me, naked, half naked, I didn’t care. It was a... need, a want that I wouldn’t allow myself to have, even if I could. 

Really the only sane thing to do would be to masturbate. So I did, a lot... I hoped the first time I brought myself to orgasm thinking about him would be enough to take the edge off, to satisfy the quench. It wasn’t. 

Eventually I had to stop, I got up and went to the bathroom, then the kitchen to down a quart of cranberry juice to try and ease the UTI I’d no doubt just given myself. 

Sleep, perhaps sleep would help. I padded back to my bedroom, leaving the door open so Alpine could come out from wherever she’d tucked herself and lay next to me as she did on a night. 

Sleep, when I eventually got it, had helped. I woke in the morning feeling... clear headed. 

The days rumbled on. People accepted my explanation of ‘impulse purchase’ in regards to my new Jeep, they knew I made such purchases, although admittedly I’d never bought a brand new car before.

Bucky hadn’t crossed my mind again thankfully. I guessed my attraction had been fleeting and put it down to some kind of old inbuilt female saves wounded soldier type scenario that would’ve gotten ladies of yesteryear hot under their petticoats. 

It was the third week of February and a brutal snow storm had hit New York, a thick freezing white blanket had laid itself far and wide. My bookings had cancelled. I’d done a couple of piercings but everyone was staying at home, hunkering down, riding it out. As the sun set I closed up shop, and headed upstairs. I sat on my couch, listening to soft music, working on some flash sheets on my iPad, half watching the snow fall outside. The sky had that wonderful soft glow to it, hues of yellow and purple. 

Alpine who’d been curled in a ball at the other end of the couch, got up, did a huge stretch and strolled over to the window that opened to the fire escape. She was making that chattering sound cats do when they see birds. Then she tapped on the glass meowing. 

“There’s no birds out there baby, look at the snow...” she tapped again, sitting on top of the storage trunk I kept under the window “... OK... I’ll open the window but you and I both know you’ll not go out in this...” 

I hadn’t been able to clearly see outside. The reflection of the light inside had prevented me from doing so. I’d literally got my hands on the ledge to lift the window up and open when I saw him. A man. Smoking. On my fire escape. In a snowstorm. 

“I know martial arts” I said loudly as I stepped back away from the window, Alpine skittering off to hide no doubt 

The window lifted up and a figure climbed into my apartment. 

“I’m sure you do...” 

“Bucky?” 

“Miss Rogers” 

He brushed the snow from his hair and shoulders then casually walked past me and began... investigating my apartment, he went from room to room, as if he was looking for something.

“As I told Agent Coulson I haven’t broken my NDA” 

“Uh huh” 

He was checking in cupboards, on top of my closet, under my bed, in the toilet cistern.

“Look... I... can you not?”

“Uh huh” 

My cell rang out, thankfully it was in the front pocket of my lazy pants that I’d changed into earlier meaning I didn’t have to leave him alone while I fetched it. The screen said “withheld”. 

“It’ll be my Mom she calls from pay phones” 

“Uh huh” 

He was now looking intently at the wifi box in the hallway.

“Hi Mom” 

“Savannah? It’s... erm.. it’s Steve Rogers” 

“Oh... sorry usually it’s my Mom that calls from withheld numbers, have you... have you by any chance... lost something?”

“He’s there?” 

“You could say that...” 

“He’s turned off his cell” Steve sighed deeply “Thankfully the tracker thats part of it still works... EVEN WHEN THE CELL IS OFF BUCKY” 

“Uh huh” 

“Steve I’m gonna need some answers here...” 

“Can you let him know there’s a car outside ready to bring him back?” 

“He says there’s a car...” 

“Uh huh” 

I’d followed him back into the living area where he was on his hands and knees looking under my coffee table. 

Steve sighed again “Is he... alright?” 

“Oh yeah he’s fine... I mean it’s totally normal to lurk smoking on someone’s fire escape then climb in and search the apartment of someone you’ve met twice... right?” 

“How would you like a motorcycle?” 

“Steve...” 

“A jet?” 

“Steve...” 

“Just... let him finish” 

“Finish what? He’s not a dog humping my leg... he’s searching my HOME” 

“I know... I figured this might happen... he’s not hurt is he?” 

“Bucky you hurt?” 

“Nope” 

He was back looking behind my fridge pulling it forward away from the wall far too easily.

“I’m sorry Savannah” 

“Steve so help me god you may be Captain America but I will pinch you so hard with my piercing clamps if I don’t get some answers” 

“I will give you answers but for now, please once he’s done, put him in the car?” 

“Fine” 

Steve sighed, relieved “Again... thank you... and think about that jet, seriously... I can’t get you one to match your hair” 

I hung up. 

“What’s in the boxes downstairs?” 

He was stood in the middle of my living space, staring at me intently. 

I lived on the top floor, the store was the ground floor, the middle floor had been the selling point. It was a cavernous store room. And with Mom renting out her house to go travel, she’d been able to store the majority of her belongings in there. 

“My Mom’s stuff, she’s travelling the country in a RV, her house is rented out so we moved all her boxes in there... there’s some of my stuff too... please don’t unpack it all” 

“Ok” 

“Ok?” 

“Yeah I did a sweep through before I took a smoke break when you found me... no boxes were opened” 

“What the hell? Not cool dude... not cool... you wanna come in just knock on the dam door like a regular person” 

“The car is outside?” 

“The car is outside” 

He came over to me, put one hand on my shoulder and squeezed, looking in my eyes. My body, despite my brain’s annoyance started doing that... thing, again. I’m NOT going to spend the rest of the night masturbating myself into oblivion, it hurts my wrists and I need them to be in tip top shape for work not wanking. 

Without a word he let go of my shoulder and went back to the window he’d clambered in, reopening it and pulling himself back out on the fire escape. With a single look back and a wink in my direction he pulled it closed and vanished into the night. 

“You could’ve used the front door” 

——— 

After a restless night, where I resisted the urge to stick my hand down my pyjama pants and have at it with myself meaning I’d literally gotten out of the wrong side of the bed I was grouchy. Grouchy, frustrated, confused, and honestly questioning my life choices that had led to my current entanglement with the Avengers. It was way more fun to just see them doing heroic shit on the news as opposed to having them try and bribe you with a jet because their... friend broke in and searched your home without a good reason. 

I was three jumbo Monsters deep and still could feel my eyelids closing which was NOT good in my line of work.

“Sav?”

“Jed?”

“You’re about to sterilise your sub...”

He was right, instead of putting my clamps and other tools in the auto clave I’d just put my veggie sub in. It was too late, the damage was done, it was now inedible. It was sterile, but inedible. 

“Ugh...” I pulled notes from my cash box “... go to the Bodega, bring back food... and caffeine” 

“From Brooklyn Bean?”

“Yes from Brooklyn Bean, go flirt with the bear shaped owner... but DO NOT offer him anymore free piercings... unless he’s gonna give me free coffee...”

“Done... and erm... done”

He didn’t even put his jacket on before fleeing out the door.

I sat down at the front desk, I was invisible from the front door because of the high counter. Maybe if I put my head down on this super comfy looking mouse pad and closed my eyes... 

The door bell rang and I shot upwards. I was still building my reputation as an artist and did not want potential customers to find me sleeping on the job. 

“Hi welcome to Kirby Dots, I’m Savannah please feel free to browse our art, our pricing points are...”

A redhead with impeccable eyebrows one of which was raised in my direction was standing in the foyer. 

“You have a mousepad stuck to your cheek”

“Oh...” I pulled it away from my face, noting that it had pulled off the excessive amount of make up I’d used to unsuccessfully hide my exhaustion “Thank you... sorry about that”

“Late night?” The corner of her perfectly red lips curled up to match her still raised brow 

“I haven’t broken my NDA”

“Oh I know...” 

“Is he in my apartment... again?” 

“You know the first rule of Bucky is that we can’t talk about Bucky?” 

“Is the second rule the same as the first?” 

“Yes... he is not in your apartment though, he is... grounded” 

“So how can I help you today?” 

“I’m here to bring you this...” she closed the gap between us and placed a brown envelope on the counter, in bright red, huge letters it read ‘CONFIDENTIAL’ “I don’t need to tell you that you didn’t get this and that it doesn’t even exist outside of the Pentagon, and because of those things it needs to be destroyed, and by destroyed I mean shredded, then burnt, then the ashes thrown into the Hudson” 

“Understood” 

“If this is going to go the way I think it is though, you’ll want to read it...” she looked me dead it the eye “...thoroughly” 

The store bell rang again. 

“So he wasn’t even at work today but I got your coffee...” 

I grabbed the envelope and stashed it the drawer under my desk. The redhead was nearing the door having past Jed who was hanging his hoodie on the rack. 

“Shame...” 

“Hey...” he eyed her up and down “... has anyone ever told you... you look JUST like Natasha Romanoff?” 

“Not today...” 

“Huh...” 

“Savannah thank you for your help, I’m sure we’ll see each other again” 

She pulled the door closed behind her. 

I tried not to think of the envelope all afternoon, I really did. We should’ve been opened till ten, one of my selling points was that you could get a tattoo after work, but when seven pm arrived and no one had come in since five I threw in the proverbial towel, locked up and headed upstairs with the envelope that didn’t exist. 

It sat on my kitchen counter. It sat there as if it was playing me a siren songs while holding out a plate of nachos along with a Jack and Coke. 

“Alpine? What would you do?” She barely looked up from her cosy above radiator bed “Uh huh that’s what I thought” 

I paced for an hour, then I chain smoked for twenty minutes, I took a shower and put my pyjamas on. Then at just past ten pm, I opened the dam envelope. 

It was a file, thick, but not worn, no doubt a copy of the original. On top of it was a handwritten letter. I lent against my counter. 

‘Savannah 

I’m sure my colleague impressed upon you that this file shouldn’t ever see the light of day, never mind a civilians eyes. 

You can read it, or you can destroy it, come to the tower press four and I will buy you a teal coloured jet including a pilot and super comfy seats to take you and whomever you should chose anywhere in the world, whenever you want. 

Regards,  
Steve Rogers’ 

I put the letter to one side, across the file itself, once again in big red letters ‘CONFIDENTIAL’ now joined by ‘TOP SECRET’ and ‘CLEARANCE LEVEL ALPHA ONLY’

Inside the cover were two photographs, one in colour of someone who looked like Bucky, behind glass, he looked... frozen. The second photo was black and white, old, very old. He was handsome, groomed and wearing a soldiers uniform, a soldiers uniform from World War Two. The first page of the file itself was basic information. 

James Buchanan Barnes aka “Bucky”  
BORN: 03/10/1917  
DIED: 03/01/1945  
HEIGHT: 180cm  
WEIGHT: 200lb  
HAIR: Brown  
EYES: Blue  
MILITARY ID: 3255703  
RANK: Sargent  
SQUADRON: 107th Infantry / The Howling Commandos 

Died... DIED... nineteen forty five, died in nineteen forty five. I paced over the the window and smoked two tabs before I went back to look at the next page. 

HYDRA SPECIAL OPERATIONS  
WINTER SOLDIER PROGRAM 

The next thirty pages contained the most harrowing information I’d ever had the misfortune to lay my eyes upon. The most upsetting thing though, he was never referred to on any of the pages by his name, he was ‘the asset’, ‘the winter soldier’, or ‘subject number two’. Despite the brainwashing, the atrocities he’d be programmed to commit, the worst thing for me was the dehumanising. This wasn’t a machine, this was a man. 

The photographs, although being grainy and slightly out of focus from being taken with old technology made bile rise from my gut. The... mutilation of his arm. The torture of him in what was essentially described as a brainwashing machine. 

It was enslavement, for the sake of... war. 

I turned around and sank to the floor, resting my chin on my knees. Two more tabs were extinguished in an empty take out coffee cup before I pulled myself back to my feet to keep reading. One more page. Another letter. 

‘Savannah 

I’ll keep this brief, I’m guessing right now you probably feel nauseated. 

I did not know he was still alive, not until one day there was an altercation between SHIELD and HYDRA. 

After HYDRA fell, Bucky escaped, I found him two years later in Eastern Europe, his memory in tatters. I placed him, with some resistance from him, with the best Doctors I had at my disposal. In Africa. He was healing, he was happy, his arm had been removed and a new one was being created for him. 

He was flying back to the States, on a commercial airline, which I had told him wasn’t a good idea. A fraction of HYDRA, a group of extremists, intercepted him when he landed. Haphazardly attached a new arm. When he found you he’d been missing for six months. His memory had been wiped, again. I can only assume that he’d been watching your address for a while. It’s virtually where we grew up, you and I share the same initials and your shop was called “Dancing Monkey” which was an annoying moniker that I was given after my initial... creation. 

Why did he come back to your apartment? I’m assuming he was checking you were safe from HYDRA. 

I am truly deeply sorry that you are now... involved in this. He is a grown man, I can’t hold him hostage. All I can do is keep him as safe as possible. 

I hope this information will perhaps help you to understand him, his actions, his behaviours. IF he decides to visit you again. Like I said, I cannot keep him locked up. 

Please destroy this file. 

Regards,  
Steve Rogers’

I never wanted to see the contents of this file again. I couldn’t bare to have it in my home. I put everything back in the envelope. I took the metal trash can from my bathroom, throwing the contents of it on the tiled floor. So my apartment didn’t reek of burning government secrets I opened the window the fire escape, placed the trash can on the ‘balcony’ lit a match and threw it in. Smoke plumed upwards into the night sky. The Winter Solider was gone. Bucky Barnes and my attraction to him, remained. 

———

Ten days had gone by since ‘the file’, nine nights of waking up soaked in sweat after dreams filled with the horrors I’d seen. One night I thought I’d caught a glimpse of someone in my room when I woke up screaming but after I turned on the light I realised it was just a shadow cast by a clear early March moon. 

I’d gotten on with my work, I’d had to turn away a World War Two remembrance piece. I’d explained (lied) to them that I knew an artist with a style that would better suit what they wanted. When the truth was the version of ‘war’ they wanted was so far from the truth of it, I’d seen the truth. I simply couldn’t do it.

The snow banks were now greying brown puddles of slush. The sun was hiding behind gloomy rain clouds. 

I was setting up for a tragus piercing that had been booked online. 

Meaning I was in the back room when I heard the shop door open. Jed was manning the desk, or playing Tinder roulette. Hopefully both. 

“I’m here to see Savannah...” 

“Sure she’s in the back just go through” 

I rolled my eyes “Jed he needs to fill in a form” 

I span round to be greeted by a delicious looking brown guy, with perfect skin and a dazzling smile . 

“How you doing?” 

“Are you my tragus?” 

“What’s a tragus?” 

“I’ll take that as a no... just...” I walked past him, stick my head out the door “I’ll be a couple of minutes Jed, when my piercing arrives... fill in the form, remember?” 

He didn’t even look up from his phone “Yup” 

I closed the door and turned around, keeping my distance, the man was now sat on my tattoo bench, his feet lazily swinging. 

“Who are you?”

“I think you already know who I’m WITH or you wouldn’t have closed the door” 

“Again, who are you?” 

“My bad... you’re Savannah Rogers, I’m Sam Wilson” 

“And you’re a...”

“Avenger? Yeah, recruited by the main man himself... which is why I’m here...” 

“Because Steve Rogers never does his own dirty work?” 

“Because Steve Rogers is the FACE of safety in America, so he’s kinda busy, like a show pony, they trot him out to talk to people, reassure them aliens aren’t gonna fall from the sky again, that kind of thing”

“Well I don’t mean to be... rude... but I have appointments... so can you get to the point?” 

“Giiiirl... I like you...” he pulled out a brown envelope from his inside jacket pocket and held it out towards me “It’s not like the last one” 

“Then why do I need it?” 

“Because for better or worse you’re involved now” 

“Fine... but please let CAPTAIN Rogers know that I will send him the bill for the therapy I’m gonna need for being ‘involved’” 

“Will do... and... you never know, I may be back for that... tragus piercing, whatever that is... see you around MISS Rogers” 

I pushed the envelope into a drawer. 

“Sav?” 

When I turned around Jed was stood in the doorway, the store bell jangled signalling Sam Wilson’s departure. 

“Yeah” 

“You ok?” 

“Yup” 

“Who was that?” 

“From my insurance company?” 

“Jesus maybe I should have my car stolen” 

“You can’t drive”

“I’d learn for him” 

“My client here?” 

“Yup” 

“ID checked and forms filled in?” 

“Yup... Dina? You can come through now” 

I didn’t want the envelope in my apartment but I also didn’t want to read it in the store, people could see a light on and assume we’re open come in and I’d be reading national secrets and trying not to hurl up the muffin I’d had for dinner. 

I did the same as before. It sat on my counter while I paced around after work. This time I took two shots of Jack along with my half hour of chain smoking before I felt ready to open it. 

No file this time. Three pieces of A4 paper stapled together. A post it note was stuck in the centre of the first page. 

‘Savannah 

I feel I owe you an update. 

Regards,  
Steve Rogers’ 

The pages were mostly redacted. Just black lines covering up what was obviously not meant for my eyes. I was totally unsure as to what I was looking at. Bucky’s full name and date of birth were at the top of each page. 

I slowed my breathing and regained my composure, focusing my concentration now I knew there weren’t any more... pictures. 

Page one seemed to be a record of his physical health problems. Of which there was only one. One that I was privy to.

‘Nerve damage’ 

No doubt from his mechanical appendage. 

Page two was mental and emotional health. 

‘Complex PTSD, night terrors, depressive episodes, generalised anxiety’ 

Page Three was unreadable bar the final paragraph.

‘James Buchanan Barnes will not be tried nor imprisoned. He is pardoned and repatronised. He was the longest serving Prisoner of War.  
I consider him to be unfit for active duty’ 

I repeated my ritual, burning the pages in the bathroom trash can on the balcony. 

I readied myself for bed, the anxiety attack I felt like I’d been having for the past ten days was dissipating thanks to the information I’d read. And thanks to the Xanax I’d taken. 

I didn’t bother to put on my bedroom light, I knew my way well enough even in the dark. I pulled back my comforter and flopped on to the bed. My eyes were already half closed when I remembered I needed to set my alarm, and plug in my phone. 

I rolled over looking towards my window, hand outstretched to find my charging cable. 

“Are you ever gonna use the door like a normal person?” 

“You read the report, normal is something I am not”

He was sitting in the ratty armchair I’d had since I was a kid and couldn’t be parted from that was in the centre of the bay window, the glow of the street light illuminating his face. 

“How long have you been there?” 

“In the chair? Not long... on the property? A while” 

“Why?” 

“Steve” 

“I think he only has your best interests at heart... but you could... I don’t know sneak in somewhere... fun, why here?” 

He opened his mouth to answer but a tap at the window stopped him. 

“Is someone literally throwing rocks at my window?” 

“Steve” 

“You’re kidding?” 

“Nope” He stood up from the chair and opened the window “I hear you” he turned back to me “I have to undergo some more... treatment...” 

“Did you escape?” 

“Yeah” he had one leg out of the window, lowering himself out “My old house... when I was a kid... you can see it from here...” he was fully out of the window, toeing his way along the ledge to the drain pipe “...and because you feel... safe” 

His head vanished from view. I heard mumbled angry voices, car doors opening and slamming, the low hum of a modern engine pulling away. 

“You could’ve closed the window... jerk” 

——— 

I woke up full of knots, worry and anger being the main two. I stretched out on my living room rug, putting myself into different yoga poses trying to realign myself. Alpine joined me, well she stretched out next to me and swatted at lint as it danced in the sunlight. 

Knots untangled, I still didn’t feel... right. It was my day off. As in it was Sunday and I had no bookings arranged. Sunday’s were charged at a different rate and only for bookings of over three hours or it just wasn’t worth it. 

I dragged a pair of running sneakers from the back of my closest and headed out. At first I felt better, the rhythm of my feet hitting the now drying sidewalk was an easy distraction, like the beat of a drum. 

Then I lost my rhythm just for a moment crossing the street and that was it, my mind was gone. 

The anger bubbled up first. Bucky wasn’t some science experiment, a lab rat to run tests on, no matter if everyone had his best interests at heart. 

Then the worry, were they hurting him? Hadn’t he been hurt enough, physically and emotionally. 

THEN and worst of all... my realisation of sexual attraction came to the forefront of my mind. Had Bucky had sex since he ‘died’ because sex must have been different in the forties, he’d missed the sexual revolution. No wait... he was a soldier, shipped off to... feeling up pretty girls in alleyways with his hat all lopsided. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. I have a fetish for the uniform. This just keeps getting better... 

I refused to spend the whole day in bed masturbating over that stupid fucking hat. Or his metal arm (could it pin me to something?). Or the idea that maybe... just maybe he needed his own sexual revolution and I was MORE than happy to help with that. 

I had my Jeep fob in the pocket of my windbreaker, purely from driving to the suppliers earlier in the week. Without too much of a second thought and with my running loop complete I got in my dam car and went to the tower. For what, I wasn’t sure. 

I called Jed on the way. I’d turned back home three times then decided on the forth approach that if I called Jed with a excuse of migraine, phone off, can you handle any incoming calls just in case? Was the final push I needed to make it to the end of this journey. 

When I’d pulled my Jeep OUT of the garage at the tower there’d been no barrier, no booth, direct access to the street, but the entrance? It was on the other side of building and had the intercom. I didn’t even listen to the options I just pressed four. 

“Miss Rogers, I told you we’d meet again... you wanna come in?” 

“Hello Mr Stark... Yes please” 

“I’ll send someone to meet you” 

I found a spot, nearest the door. My legs were kind of wobbly, after an hour or yoga and a two mile run, not because of Bucky. Bucky in this building. 

I parked between a beautiful vintage motorcycle on one side and a black Dodge Viper on the other. 

By the time I’d climbed out, there was a tall smartly dressed strawberry blonde waiting at the door for me. 

“Miss Rogers it’s a pleasure...” she held out a hand for me to shake “...I’m Pepper, Pepper Potts, I’m... CEO of Stark Industries and manager of this...facility” she released my hand and handed me a lanyard with an ID card attached “I took the liberty of creating you an ID card, it’ll give you access to the majority of the building with the exception of some of the personal living areas, workshops and flight deck... it will however give you access to the medical floor which is probably where you want to be right now” 

She held the door open for me, it led to a large open plan office, which was devoid of people I figured because it was Sunday. 

“Thank you... I’m not... I’m not sure why I’m here” 

She smiled, broadly “Curiosity perhaps?” 

“Didn’t it kill the cat though?” 

“In a building full of superhero’s... I think the cat will be just fine” She motioned towards a set of elevator doors “... take the elevator to floor forty two, through reception, there shouldn’t be anyone there but if there is present them with your ID card THEN you’ll need to go through the double doors... and after that just follow the sound of Steve’s concern” 

“Thank you Miss Potts” 

“The pleasure was all mine Savannah” 

She turned on her perfectly polished stilettos and left me at the elevator doors. 

Ok, ok this is fine... this is FINE. I’m in the building, I can’t turn back now. Get in the elevator, check, push button for forty two, check. Feel slightly alarmed at the smoothness and quietness of this elevator, check. 

It took a matter of seconds to reach floor forty two, I didn’t know though, what floor I’d started off on. I got the impression from the elevator control pad (touch screens not buttons)that there were many underground levels. 

When the doors open on floor forty two it looked like a regular hospital ward reception, a large nurses station slash reception desk, a few comfy looking chairs made up a waiting area. Should I take a seat and wait? No Miss Potts said through the door. 

It took me a moment to figure out I was supposed to swipe my ID card to get through the doors. And when I did realise and the doors opened for me the serene waiting area was an alternate reality compared to what I saw. 

Steve was stood in front of a window that must’ve looked over a room, of which there were many, the corridor reaching the width of the building. There were swarms of people, some in medical scrubs or lab coats, some in civilian clothing and some in black military uniforms. 

He stood out not because he still looked like a man out of time dressed as he would’ve in the forties no doubt but because he was loudly berating the woman I’d seen on the night I wasn’t allowed to talk about. 

This truly was a mistake, what had I been thinking to come here? This wasn’t any business of mine . I turned to leave and had almost made it back to the doors, the doors through which serenity and sanity lain. 

“Savannah?” 

I turned back around and plastered on a faux smile “Captain Rogers” 

“Helen... this conversation isn’t over...” she walked away from him down the corridor with haste, hopefully not going somewhere to cry, which is what I would do if he’d spoken to me like that “Is everything alright? Are you in trouble?” 

“Not that I’m aware...” I approached him, apprehensive of the view from the window “... I was... I mean... I am... concerned” 

“Oh... oh...” his expression softened and his shoulders relaxed “... of course you are... would you like to see him?”

“If that’s acceptable? I’ll sign another NDA’ 

“Come... come...” he motioned for him to stand next to him... I took a deep breath a looked through the window “...he’s just out of surgery, which he nearly couldn’t have because he missed his pre op checks by... visiting you”

Bucky was laid on a hospital bed, half sitting up, oxygen tubes running up his nose. His left arm was missing, instead there was a thickly bandaged stump. He looked pale yet peaceful, no doubt down to the drugs he’d been pumped full of and was still being pumped full of, am IV line was in the back of his hand. A heart monitor was beeping away steadily. I was desperate to ignore the shirtless situation, shirtless with the starchy white sheet pulled up to his navel. 

“...arm” 

“Yes... you know what? I’m just going to tell you... when HYDRA recaptured him, they attached an old... old arm that they must’ve had in storage, a total disaster, his body rejected it, he had it replaced by the team here with a modern... prosthetic the night you brought him in, but it was never the final solution, he needed more surgery to repair the damage before a custom made arm can be attached once again”

“He’s... ok... the Doctor?” 

“Helen? Yeah I was kind of harsh on her, I’ll apologise later... He’s fine surgery went well, we’ll be able to reattach his arm in a few days” 

“Isn’t that... soon?” 

“We have access to a... accelerated healing device... which is what the... heated debate was over, Helen wanted to start right away and I want him to talk to his psychiatrist before that happens...” 

“What does Bucky want?”

“Excuse me?” 

“I said... what does BUCKY want? Have you asked him? Or are you just trying to ‘fix’ him as quick as possible?” 

“I...” 

“I appreciate the guilt you must feel and I can’t even imagine to know how that feels but the... file I saw never once referred to him as a PERSON, a human being capable of making decisions for himself” 

He straightened his back and squared his shoulders “You don’t know anything about us” 

“Reverse the roles Steve, if that was you what would he do?” 

His aggressive posture relaxed “Ask me what I wanted” he replied in a quiet voice, bravado removed 

“Whoa... relax you two” I looked to my left to see Agent Romanoff casually slurping an iced coffee, make up, hair and outfit as impeccable as ever “She’s right though” 

“What is this? Gang up on Steve day? Because I didn’t have it marked on my calendar” 

“Steve, if you hadn’t thought that Savannah didn’t mean something to him you wouldn’t have had a security detail put on her, she’s a tattooist from Brooklyn not a terrorist... and if you’d have known in your heart of hearts that he wouldn’t go back to her you’d have placed her in witness protection somewhere far away where he’d never find her” 

“Natasha” 

She’d clearly been on the receiving end of that kind of tone from him before as all she did was shrug in response. 

“Can I...” I motioned towards the room 

“Of course... Steve let Savannah drive the Buck truck for a while huh?” I blushed furiously I’m sure she didn’t mean it to sound sexual, she obviously noticed, her lips curling up in a smile “I’m going to take Steve here to the canteen, we’ll be about... an hour” Steve opened his mouth, no doubt to object “... nope, let’s go, hustle soldier” 

I watched as they went through the doors, no one seemed to be paying any attention to me yet I felt horribly like a fish out of water. I shook my wrists as if I was trying to shake anxiety from my body before I stepped into the room. 

The door needed my ID card, again, only this time when I swiped it a robotic voice came from... somewhere “Good Afternoon Savannah Rogers” 

“Good Afternoon?” 

“I am FRIDAY, although primarily Mr Stark’s virtual assistant I am also currently working as a medical capacity for Mr Barnes recovery, if you have any concerns please say my name and I will be able to assist you” 

“Thank you?” 

“You are welcome Miss Rogers” 

There’d been a plastic chair not visible through the window so I grabbed it and pulled it to the right side of the bed, I wasn’t a squeamish person, I couldn’t afford to be, but the stump made me uncomfortable. 

“Erm... Bucky?” 

He had a chain around his neck with his dog tags on them. For what reason I wasn’t sure but it wasn’t helping my lust. This was, I have decided, one hundred percent something inbuilt to my female DNA, maybe I’d be ovulating and it was quite literally my body chemistry that was drawing me to him. Not the fact that he was almost a hundred years old yet ridiculously attractive. 

As I watched his chest rise and fall I felt the peace I’d come here seeking. 

“I’m glad you’re ok, I was... concerned...” 

The door beeped and a blonde in medical scrubs entered the room. 

“Oh...” she looked up from the iPad she was carrying “...I didn’t realise anyone was in here” 

“I can leave?” 

“No... no that won’t be necessary... sorry, rude of me... I’m Sharon Carter, you’re Savannah Rogers right?” 

“Yeah... Nurse?” 

“Technically... yes... but I am also a CIA agent” 

“Of course you are...” 

She laughed “Yeah... it’s just easier when it comes to... people like him that his medical team are not... civilians” 

“Gotcha... is he... OK?” 

She was looking intently between his monitors and her iPad “Physically as much as he can be, psychologically, only time will tell” 

“Is he in any... pain?” 

She looked once around the room even though there was no one else here, and then glanced up to the window where no one was stood outside “I hope not, the medications we have used on him are... experimental... he has a accelerated metabolism... we used an anaesthetic created to sedate...” she looked out the window again “it was created to sedate the Hulk... and as for the painkillers...” she pushed a button on her iPad and I noticed a clear liquid run into the line in the back of his hand from the bag “... we have to administer it every half an hour as opposed to every four hours...” 

“Because he metabolises it so quickly?” 

“Yup... all is good here, so... it was nice to meet you Savannah” 

“You too” 

She took one last look at his monitor and left me alone with him. 

“So you’re... ok... that’s what I came here for... I’m gonna...” I tried to pry myself away from the chair away from his sleeping form I really did but instead, I sat back down and reached out to touch his hand.

———

He’d not woken up by the time I left. After about thirty minutes I decided I’d had enough, the dumb feelings were too much for me to handle so I left. Thankfully without seeing anyone of... importance. 

And besides I had a full week of bookings to prep for. 

The first half of the week passed without incident. Then on Wednesday it all went to hell. I’d closed the store, gone upstairs, changed into my lazy clothes and then realised I was out of smokes and tampons so headed out to the minimart. I was on my way back, minding my own business when two huge mountains of men stepped out in front of me from an alleyway. 

I thought maybe they’d just come out of a bar. Or maybe because sometimes guys just stop me randomly to make comment on my hair, or my clothes or my body art. 

“Where is the asset?” 

The voice was deep, a thick Russian accent over annunciating the word ‘asset’ 

“Sorry I think you have the wrong person” 

They formed a human barrier so I couldn’t pass with ease. 

“Where is the asset?” 

“Look...” I was as calm as possible “I don’t know who you are or what you’re talking about but if you do not step away from me, I will scream so loud all of Brooklyn will hear” 

They took a step closer to me. 

“Is everything alright Sav?” 

It was Nick, the bartender from ‘Schmidt’s’ my local dirty drinking hole. 

“Yup fine, these gentlemen were just asking about my hair” 

Realising they’d been disturbed both guys held their hands up and walked away without another word. 

“I’m on my way to work but you want me to walk you the rest of the way home?” 

“Nah...” he raised a brow “I’m good honestly thank you” 

I scurried home, I didn’t run, I didn’t want to attract attention to myself, but I sure as hell didn’t dawdle. The second I locked my apartment door behind me I pulled my phone out and Googled the number for Stark Tower. 

I didn’t even wait to hear the options I just pressed four. 

“Savannah...” 

“How did you know it was me?” 

“I’m Tony Stark don’t you think I have access to... advanced caller ID? You’ve not been back, I’m offended is my building not to your liking?” 

“There were some guys... big guys... Russians... asked me about...” I cupped my hand around the phone “... the asset” 

“STEVE... just a second Savannah... STEVE WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR SECURITY DETAIL BECAUSE THEY SURE AS HELL AIN’T IN BROOKLYN RIGHT NOW’ I heard muffled voices and people moving around “OK... I am sending a car to pick you up... you ask to see ID when they get there, gonna bring you here” 

“I can’t just run away to Manhattan I have a full week of bookings and I’m in my lazy pants” 

“I don’t know what that means... look just come for tonight, let us do a thorough sweep and I’ll have you back in time to mutilate people for money tomorrow”

“Alpine” 

“Is that some kind of code word?”

“She’s my cat...” 

“She’ll be fine, I’m gonna put someone in your apartment tonight” 

“And what about tomorrow? Or the next day?” 

“I’ll handle it Savannah... just get in the car...” 

I sat on the steps that were inside the front door to my apartment. I didn’t want to wait on the street, and I didn’t want to go upstairs. I was clutching my phone in one hand and my keys pushed between my knuckles as a weapon in the other. 

I could’ve been sat there five minutes it could’ve been an hour before a car horn honked outside. I stuck my head out the door and saw two ‘suits’ both stood outside the SUV. Both holding out ID for me to see. I prayed they were who Tony had sent and not someone else. I kept the keys sticking out from my clenched fingers until we reached Stark Tower and pulled into the parking garage. 

They didn’t get out of the car, just dropped me off nearest to the door and drove away. Not a word spoken.

No one was at the door waiting for me this time. And no one was in the open plan office when I opened the door with my ID either. 

“Good evening Miss Rogers” FRIDYAY’S disembodied voice met my ears 

“Hello?” 

“Please make your way to floor sixty, a room has been set up for your stay at Stark Tower” 

“Thank you?” 

“You are welcome Miss Rogers, have a pleasant evening” 

I felt a twinge of... hesitation when I stepped in the elevator I desperately wanted to press the screen and go to the medical level, but with the arrival of my period yesterday I’d a hundred percent put my feelings towards Bucky down to being purely hormonal and didn’t want to test my decision. 

The doors opened at floor sixty and there was a pretty girl in her early twenties with long red hair waiting for me. 

“Hi... oh I’m so excited to meet you... I’m Wanda” she spoke with a Eastern European accent. I thought she was going to shake my hand, instead she enthusiastically hugged me. Pinning my arms to my sides where I was still clutching the bag of groceries in one hand and my ID card in the other “I love your hair... oh I’m sorry” she released me from the embrace and took a step back “Sorry” 

“It’s ok... sorry I’m... interrupting your evening” 

“Are you kidding? I never get to meet people... I’ve had this level to myself and it’s lonely sometimes... come, I’ll show you where you can sleep, have you eaten? I can Uber eats whatever you like... do you like... movies? We can watch whatever you like” 

She led me through what was essentially her home and it was beautiful, like a downtown loft, all exposed beams and huge windows. A massive kitchen and open space living area with the softest looking couches was in the centre with individual rooms towards the left hand side. 

“This is...” she’d stopped at an open door leading to a huge room, with a bed that was literally the size of my whole bedroom “...too much, honestly I’d be fine with the couch” 

“There’s a bathroom just through there... do you need anything? There’s toiletries in there but I can find you some sleepwear?” 

“I don’t want to be any trouble” 

“Nonsense... I’ll let you get settled in, just come find me when you want to eat” she squeezed my hand “It really is so nice to meet you” 

I threw my bag and ID on the bed and made my way to the bathroom, the shelves were lined with products that would cost me a days work for just a sample size. At least Tony Stark wasn’t a selfish billionaire? After I’d peed and splashed some water on my face I felt more ready to face my... housemate. 

“Wanda?” 

She was on the couch, nose deep in ‘Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep’ “Hey you hungry?” 

“Yeah” 

“What would you like to eat?” 

“Pizza?” 

“Pizza it is” the book was replaced with her phone “Anything you don’t like?” 

“Anchovies” 

“Ewww right? There the worst, I’m gonna send out for it, I could get the chefs to make it but they always make it too... fancy” 

“Chefs?... you know what... never mind... is there somewhere I could smoke? If you don’t mind...” 

“Not at all... the doors there open to a balcony... you can smoke out there if you don’t mind heights” 

The balcony was beautiful, more like a small garden. Though I doubted the plants and grass were real. Because this was still technically a ‘lower’ floor it wasn’t windy, the surrounding buildings acted as a shelter. And as for the height? You couldn’t easily see over the edge. If it wasn’t for the view looking toward other skyscrapers you could feel like you weren’t sixty floors into the sky. 

“Can you step away from the edge... please?” 

I span around at the sound of his voice, his face was contorted into a grimacing smile. 

“I think it’s safe” 

He was in grey sweatpants and the sweatshirt that was the same colour as my hair. He still only had one arm. But his stump was now supported by another fancy sling. 

“I’m sure it is but... please” 

“I’m done anyway...” 

I went to walk past him to go back inside, hopefully the pizza had arrived and I wasn’t going to bed hungry. Before I knew what was happening, he’d reached out his arm and pulled me towards him, I stumbled slightly and our torsos collided with force. I kept my hands at my sides. I didn’t want to react. I wasn’t going to let myself react. 

He pulled me tighter against his body, meaning my head was on his shoulder. I could... smell him. And that was the moment I knew I was fighting a losing battle. A heavenly scent of fresh cleanliness, slightly medicinal, but strongest of all was a heady mix of tobacco and vanilla. 

“Oh I am so fucked” I gave in and wrapped my left arm around him, I didn’t want to hurt him by using both my arms 

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing... can you... let me go? I’m hungry” 

“Of course, sorry... I just wanted to...” he squeezed me once more, his biceps flexing around me. I in no way felt like I was melting. He let me go, the air suddenly felt cooler than it had when our bodies were pressed together “I’m so sorry about all this” 

His eyes looked so earnest “S’ok I mean... you don’t tangle with the Avengers without expecting some kind of repercussion” 

“Savannah?” Wanda’a voice floated through the open door 

“Yeah?” He was staring at me so intently it was like he was staring into my soul. Ugh, gross. Fight it fight it fight it. 

“Pizza’s here” 

“I’ll... I should go” He looked... crestfallen 

“You escaped again didn’t you?” 

“Nah... well there was no one to stop me leaving Steve’s quarters so I don’t know if it’s technically... escaping... enjoy your pizza and sorry... again” 

He went back in to the apartment, offering Wanda a smile as he passed by her and then left without looking back at me. 

SHIT. IT. 

———

Considering this building housed the Avengers, and all their... accessories along with hundreds of staff members it was so peaceful. I’d expected to toss and turn all night but after filling myself with pizza and a couple of beers I stripped down to my underwear and crawled under what was no doubt an incredibly expensive comforter on top of sheets made from the softest cotton on top of a mattress that was possibly an actual cloud and slept incredibly deeply. 

When I woke up it was eight am and I needed to be back in Brooklyn for ten. 

There was no sign of Wanda, but she had left me a note explaining I should be able to find something I liked for breakfast and she looked forward to seeing me again soon. 

“Erm... FRIDAY?” I’d filled myself with a bagel and cream cheese along with a couple of espressos from a coffee machine that looked like it belonged on a space station 

“Good Morning Miss Rogers how can I assist you” 

“I need to go back to Brooklyn” 

“Of course, I will inform Captain Rogers” 

I sat spinning on a bar stool at the kitchen counter, checking my phone for new bookings and enquiries. I was starting to need a waitlist. 

“Savannah... good morning... did you sleep well?”

I’d not heard the door open and he somewhat startled me causing me to almost slip from my stool “Yes... sorry... thanks... but I need to return to Brooklyn” 

“Of course... you’re free to leave, we swept the area last night and found no sign of your... Russians... I erm... I fed... your cat... see” he pulled his phone from his chinos pocket and held it up so I could see a photo of him holding a very pissed looking Alpine “I don’t think she likes me” 

“I wouldn’t take offence, she doesn’t like anyone... she... tolerates me” 

“I can arrange a ride with our security team, an Uber, or I could take you, my bike is pretty swift and I obviously know the roads pretty well” 

“An Uber will be fine, if I rocked up home on the back of Captain America’s motorcycle it may raise... eyebrows” 

“Yup... understood...” he tapped his phone screen “It’ll be at the main entrance by the time you get down there... you may notice more... security... but I assure you that only you will know they’re there” 

“Thank you” 

“Not a problem... I’ll try and keep Bucky...” he sighed “... where I can see him” 

“As I said before, he’s a grown man with a mind of his own” Not because I wanted Steve not to lock him up so he wouldn’t be able to come see me anymore 

“Well... if you need anything else or see anything odd...” 

“Press four?” 

“Press four” 

By the time I got back to Brooklyn and to my store Jed had already opened up for me. I snuck upstairs hoping he didn’t see me so I could get quickly changed into my work gear as opposed to my lazy pants. Too much of the world, well too many Avengers had already seen my galaxy print joggers with holes in the inner thighs for my liking, didn’t want to subject my clients to them as well. 

“Morning Jed” 

He was sat behind the counter as I walked in, pouring over my old school appointment book “FINALLY... WHY didn’t you call me?” 

“I didn’t realise I was supposed to?” The coffee pot was on and fresh so I grabbed a cup. 

“Iron Man was here” 

“What here... in the store?” 

“No in the street outside, I was coming out of Brooklyn Bean and there he was zooming down the street, did you not hear him?” 

“Nah I had my headphones in” 

“THEN... Captain America came through on his bike... oooo lord that MAN” 

“Uh huh” 

“What were they doing here?” 

“How should I know?” 

“I hope we’re not in... danger” 

“I doubt it Jed... plus you know if Iron Man and Captain America were here I should think if there was a danger it’ll be long gone by now” 

“Yeah I guess you’re right...” 

The store bell rang signalling the arrival of my first client and a halting Jed from talking any more about things I couldn’t give him the answer to. 

——— 

I’d made it to Friday without any further incident. The day had been long, although I’d only tattooed two clients, they were both four hour sessions. I had been asked to sketch out a piece for a client based on a movie, I’d eaten and fed Alpine when I remembered my sketch book was in the store so I went to fetch it and transfer my ideas to my iPad while I watched the movie to truly refresh my memory. 

“You know...” He was sat in the arm chair in my living space, bundled up in a navy blue wool pea coat “...I did ask you to use the door” 

“I did use the door” 

“You didn’t knock” 

“You didn’t say I had to knock” his lips were curled up in a half smile “And besides if I had knocked, you wouldn’t have answered” 

“I was in the store” 

“I know” 

“I could’ve been going out, it is Friday night, I could’ve had a... date” 

“Uh huh... see your lights were still on...” 

I sighed, resigning that he wasn’t going to believe me “I need to watch a movie, are you staying?” 

“Maybe I’ve got a... date” 

“Don’t let me stop you” 

He was slipping his coat off, underneath was a red flannel shirt, men in flannel shirts were my kryptonite. His left arm was still in a sling, though he seemed to be able to manage his task with ease “What’s the movie?” 

“It’s called Never Ending Story... beer?” 

“Nah” 

“Oh shit sorry, they probably won’t mix with your medications” 

“It doesn’t work on me” 

“Excuse me?” I’d sat down on the couch, iPad on my lap, Alpine was rubbing round his ankles, covering his dark jeans in white cat hair “She likes you, sorry about the fur” 

“I don’t mind...” he leant forward and stroked her, whispering to her in a different language “... and beer... alcohol... I burn it off too quickly for it to have any effect on me... and I never was a fan of the taste” 

“I would think twenty first century beer tastes... different to what you remember” 

He stopped fussing Alpine and looked me square in the eye “I’m sure MANY things taste different in twenty twenty...” I blushed, certain parts of my anatomy felt suddenly hotter too “Put the movie on Savannah... hopefully I get the basics of the plot before my ride gets here” 

“Steve?” 

“Or one of his... agents” 

“How did you get here?” 

“Subway... many things have changed in this city but the subway is not one of them” 

“Is that... wise?” 

“I’m not a wanted man any more... and about ninety nine point nine percent of the world thinks I’m dead so... Never Ending Story huh? I’ll admit it does blow my mind that you don’t have to leave your house to go to the movies now...”

I grabbed the remote and pushed the mic button “Never Ending Story” 

Watching Never Ending Story with a guy who was technically a senior citizen was similar to showing it to a child for the first time. I’d never seen anyone so filled with wonder. He was positively giddy when the guy on the snail showed up and by the time Falkor arrived he looked like a devoted Christian seeing a religious miracle. 

“Stop watching me... you’re supposed to be watching the movie” 

“I’m actually supposed to be drawing a tattoo based on the movie...” 

“Oh yeah? Can I... can I see?” 

“Sure...” I lent across to pass him my iPad with my open sketch tab 

“Wow this is... and people get this drawn on them?” 

“Yeah” 

“Long gone are the days of anchors and swallows huh?” 

“They still get them, traditional tattoos, only now they don’t blur and fade so much” 

He handed me back my iPad “You’re very... talented, is that the word to use?” I nodded in thanks “What about people who have tattoos that they don’t... want anymore?” 

“Oh well you can have it removed with lasers, but it’s very expensive and very painful or you can have it covered with another tattoo you like better... see here?” I showed him my right wrist “I had this dumb symbol of a triangle, a bands logo and I had it changed to a diamond see?” 

He reached and pulled my wrist into his hand and towards his face to get a closer look, I could feel his warm breath ghost over my skin, my toes curled in my socks “Huh...” 

“Why do you ask... do you have...” 

“BUCKY...” Steve’s very loud and very pissed voice announced his presence in the room. I hadn’t even heard the door. He hastily dropped my wrist. 

“Come in Steve make yourself at home...” I folded my arms across my chest 

“Sorry Savannah I should’ve knocked and you really should lock your door... come on Buck... don’t fight me on this... if you don’t like Regan I’ll find you another shrink” 

“It’s not that I don’t like her Steve, it’s just I needed to get out of Stark’s... cage for a while” 

“And I appreciate that but...” he sighed and put his hands on his hips “... I told you we needed you to calibrate the cradle for your arm and I came to find you after your session with her and you’d gone... again” 

“Steve as much as you think that Tower is home it isn’t for me, Brooklyn is and I don’t know if you noticed but everyone I did know here is dead so forgive me for wanting to spend time with someone who is still breathing in the place I remember the most” he huffed, puffing out his cheeks as he did “...fine let’s go see the doc about my dam arm... rain check on the rest of this movie?” 

“Of course” I hated it when someone spoke about me as if I wasn’t in the room as opposed to speaking to me but this was an unusual situation “Steve if I wanted to... text Bucky would that be... OK?” 

He positively beamed at me “Yes... please do that... I’ve been trying to get him to learn how to use his phone” 

“I am here you know... and you know I hate the... phone thing... why do people need them? And what’s a text?” 

“I’m sure Savannah will teach you... but now...” 

“Yeah yeah I know I’m coming” he stood up and pulled his coat from the back of the chair, Steve tried to help him but his swatted his hands away “I may be old and only have one arm but I am capable of dressing myself” 

“It used to be the other way round you know” Steve had turned to look at me, probably so he wasn’t tempted to try and help again “I was the... invalid” 

‘YEAH you were and you’d get pissed at me when I’d try and help you so...” 

“Savannah I’ll send you his contact info, I mean if you’ve got time to explain modern technology to him...” 

“I’ll look forward to it” 

“Buck... I’ll meet you downstairs, good night Savannah” 

“Goodnight Steve” Bucky had only just managed to do up his coat when I heard the front door open and close “So I’ll text you” 

“I don’t know what that means but I’ll look forward to it... I think... don’t bully me like he does” 

I crossed my heart “Never” 

He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed “Goodnight... Doll” 

When I was certain that he’d left the building I slid down out of my chair and on to the floor. Alpine came over and nudged my toes “Shit it Alpine... SHIT IT...”


	2. anything you say can and will be held against you, so only say my name

I woke up to an email from Steve from a burner email account, I didn’t even realise such things existed. I added Bucky as a contact but not wanting to store him under his name, or code name, I gave him the name “Old Man” because he was actually old as opposed to MY old man. 

I’d not had time to text him, well that’s not strictly true. I thought so many times about what TO text him, then every time I came up with something I chickened out. 

“You keep staring at your phone like it’s gonna... explode” 

I was in the store, on a Sunday, watching over Jed as he stabbed a piece of fake skin with a needle. If he could handle piercings whilst I was tattooing, it would mean more cash for the both of us. 

“I...” before I could finished my phone let out it’s text tone of Michael Scott shouting ‘it’s happening’ which was hardly subtle. I yanked it out of view “... keep practicing... it’ll just be my Mom... you know no one ever texts me” 

I walked to the other side of the room instead of standing over his shoulder. 

“You know Nick from the bar crushes on you right... I know... I know... you don’t feel... that... but why not just talk to the guy huh?”

“Why not practise how to NOT maim your clients?” 

He turned away from me and back to the faux skin. And I turned my attention to my phone. 

‘Old Man’ SAM SAID I SHOULD TEXT YOU WHY ARE THERE NO KEYS I NEVER LEARNT TO TYPE THIS IS BULLSHIT 

‘Sav Rogers (Kirby Dots)’ Welcome to communication in 2020, be grateful you didn’t have a phone WITH buttons you had to press three times to get the letter e. Are you OK?’

‘Old Man’ Are you busy? Hey my writing has gone small 

‘Sav Rogers (Kirby Dots)’ I’m teaching Jed to pierce

‘Old Man’ Can you come to the Tower? I’m not allowed out and I need your help with something. I can get you food, Steve and Sam keep telling me to try new things. The Soldier didn’t eat so now I have choice it confuses me. Did you know you can speak into this thing and it will type for you?

‘Sav Rogers (Kirby Dots)’ Can you give me a couple of hours?

‘Old Man’ smiley face no send a smiley face not write out smiley face Sam tell it to send a smiley face thing like you showed me for fucks sake you dumb idiot not me the phone thing I hate this 

I’m tired not to laugh out loud but my body didn’t get the memo my brain was trying to send and a loud HA escaped my mouth before I could stop it. Jed turned around with a raised brow. 

“My Mom’s an idiot” 

“I see...” 

“I think that’s enough for today Jed, I think you’re capable, if you want I’ll put up the money for the qualification” 

“Really?” 

“Yes really... but no... and I repeat, NO piercing people after hours in exchange for... whatever” 

“Noted... and thank you... you won’t regret it” 

“Uh huh... go on... get out of here what are you waiting for?” He rushed to grab his coat, kissing my cheek on the way out. 

I cleared away the destruction he’d left behind. We’d need to create a screened off area for piercings in the foyer. Once he had his qualifications and I was a couple of grand poorer that is. AND stressed from having to man everything while he took the course. Maybe Tony could lend me FRIDAY? 

The sun was setting by the time I got to the Tower, I hadn’t bothered to change or reapply my make up. I didn’t want to create a false reality. An expectation. Take me as I am was a strong belief of mine. And the make up I wore, I wore for me, plus my eyeliner made for an excellent distraction away from the bags under my eyes to stop them from scaring away my clients. 

I swiped in with my ID card. He was waiting for me in the office, sat on one of the chairs spinning idly round in circles. 

“How did you know I was here?” 

“Your Jeep has a tracker” 

“OF course it does... so how can I help?” 

“If you’ll accompany me to my idiotic over bearing best friends apartment I will show you” He stood up and came towards me, dressed in all black today, sling to match. He offered his good arm for me to loop my own through “Oh...” I must’ve given him a look of confusion “... twenty twenty, women don’t need men to lead them anymore” 

I didn’t want to say, I don’t want to touch you because every time I do I feel positively giddy and my vagina thinks it’s go time “Women are not used to such chivalry” I looped my arm through his and let him lead me. 

If I thought Wanda lived in the sky then Steve Rogers lived outside of Earths atmosphere. And yet there were still levels above him. He was Penthouse Two. I could only assume Tony was Penthouse One. 

What I wasn’t expecting was the total chaos and destruction that greeted me when the elevator doors opened. 

Steve smiled broadly when he saw me “Savannah... welcome... sorry about the mess” 

Steve and Sam were stood in the middle of a open loft space, much like Wanda’a only less modern and more... homely. Around them were bags upon bags upon bags, and clothes strewn across every surface, sneakers, boots and shoes were in piles on the floor. 

“Did a Nordstrom throw up in here?” 

“What has happening here Miss Rogers...” Sam was clearing a space on the couch for me to sit “Is dumbass one bought dumbass two a new wardrobe and... chaos ensued” 

“Who is dumbass one and who is dumbass two?” I perched on the edge of a low brown leather couch. 

“I’m dumbass one” offered Steve AND Bucky. At the same time. 

“Ok then” 

“Steve bought me clothes” 

“Because you needed them” 

“In the forties I had a everyday suit, a special occasion suit, and then my uniform... then my... other uniform” 

“And... after?” I didn’t want to say HYDRA or Winter Soldier 

“I... borrowed” 

I tried to diffuse the situation “See... now you can have clothes of your own” 

“I have clothes of my own” 

“They’re all black Buck, you don’t need to dress to hide anymore” 

Steve and Bucky were having a staring completion, one that included jaw clenching. Bucky’s jaw clench was doing absolutely nothing to help my stupid attraction, an attraction which was fast becoming a crush, a dumb stupid crush with hearts and roses. Now I didn’t just want him to take me to pound town, now I wanted him to... cuddle me as well. It was truly nauseating. 

“Do you wanna tell me why I’m here?” 

“Well Bucket here wants to ask you for... help and we thought it would be amusing to watch him eat sushi for the first time... you’re not allergic?” 

“Nope... in which order are we doing this?” 

Sushi came first. Sushi from Sugar Fish because of course it was. This was Manhattan in a building with an endless disposable income. We sat around a long beautiful wood table, every kind of sushi my brain could’ve conjured up on perfect serving platters with the good soy sauce, the name brand stuff, not the cheap store off brand kind.

Bucky, with no prompting from anyone but himself had decided to sit next to me. So close next to me that I could feel the heat radiating from his body. 

“And it’s raw fish?” 

“I was the same at first Buck... try it” 

“Technically...” I allowed my body to learn towards his “... not all of it is raw... shrimp for example is cooked and eaten cold, as is crab, and the rest is pretty much vegetables and rice” 

“What’s the...” he prodded a Maki roll with his finger “Other stuff?” 

“Seaweed” Steve explained before shoving a piece into his mouth, whole. 

“What from the shore? Fuck that...” He pushed his plate that Steve had put a selection of pieces on for him to try. 

I pulled it back towards him “I assure you it’s not from the shore, it’s nice... I promise” 

“Look who can use chopsticks like a pro” 

I stopped with my Inari halfway to my mouth at Sam’s comment “I’m from Astoria... sushi is like Mac and Cheese there” 

“How do you do that?” 

“Here...” I put down by own chopsticks and lent over to put Bucky’s fingers in the correct position to hold them. A look shared between Steve and Sam didn’t go unnoticed, by my eyes anyway. I quickly withdrew my hand. 

“Why couldn’t we just have... pizza? Hot dogs? Burgers? You know stuff I like or... stuff I... LIKED” 

“It’s twenty twenty Buck, food has evolved beyond... over processed junk, if you don’t like it fine, but at least try it” 

“This is Inari...” I pointed at the item on his plate I was referring to “... it’s sweet tofu, with rice inside, kind of like a sweet and salty pancake, it’s my favourite, try it” 

“This ALMOST makes me miss the days of when HYDRA fed me a protein paste through a tube” Silence fell over the table, none of us sure what to say. Eventually he picked up a piece of salmon on a block of rice and put it in his mouth, chewing slowly “You know what? This isn’t... bad” 

Sushi consumed and drinks dispensed we were still sat round the table. I had soda, I was driving, Steve and Sam wine and Bucky was slurping a cappuccino, apparently the one thing he was certain he liked in the twenty first century was the variety of different coffees. 

“I hate to be a party pooper, but I have a full day tomorrow... why exactly am I here? And yes I a well aware that many women would not even consider leaving a... party with this guest list” 

“I told you she was gay” 

“Please don’t talk about me as if I’m not here Sam...” he offered me an apologetic smile “... and no I’m not gay, I just... it’s difficult to explain... typically I don’t feel attraction... sexual or romantic... a lot of people refer to it as ‘grey’ I just refer to it as me...” 

“I get it... HYDRA gave me medication that suppressed my sex drive and lowered my testosterone...” Steve looked absolutely crestfallen “... don’t pull that face Steve, Regan says I’m not to keep it all inside anymore” he tapped his finger against his temple “...I like that this century has worked out sexuality isn’t black and white... you should appreciate that really more than most” 

“Never said I didn’t... and I admit it’s refreshing to be in female... civilian company that doesn’t look at me like I’m their next meal... personally I blame Magic Mike” 

“Doesn’t everyone?” I offered in rebuttal 

“Who’s Mike and why is he magic?” 

“This is the WEIRDEST conversation I’ve be part of... this week anyway... Bucket you asked the lady to come help, she’s here, so...” 

“Right... you said you could cover tattoos so...” in a flurry he took his arm out of his sling and pulled his sweatshirt over his head, pushing his good arm into my line of vision 

“Erm...” I tried to look everywhere apart from at him, it was like staring into the sun, so beautiful, so many scars and marks from battle, his ever present dog tags falling perfectly in the centre of his chest. I literally forgot how to breathe “Usually people warn me before taking off their clothes” 

“Oh... sorry... it’s a... soldier thing...” 

“What am I looking at?” 

“Here...” he was pointing at a faded serial number at the top of his bicep. 

I knew to get a closer look, for professional reasons only of course, I was going to have to touch him. My fingertips were going to have to reach out and grab his naked flesh. My heart rate sped up, I hope they didn’t have above human hearing as well as everything else. Everything else... had it changed his... nope, NOPE, shut that thought right the fuck down. 

His skin was soft and warm. I’d expecting it to be cold and that was where ‘winter’ had come from. 

“They did... this?” 

“Yeah... can you... can you make it go away?” 

“I’m gonna ask you and Steve some questions... no holds barred” 

“Not a problem” Steve assured me, Bucky just shrugged and thankfully, put his top back on 

“Was it before or after the... serum?” 

“After” 

“And have either of you tried to have a tattoo or piercing since?” 

“Not really had the time... or inclination” 

“Nope” Bucky accentuated the p in nope, letting his lips... pop 

“Never thought about getting your dick pierced Cap?” 

“You can do that?” 

“Why would you do that?”

Steve and Bucky were staring at me, eyes wide, Sam was just smirking over the top of his glass. 

“Yes you can do that... if you can pinch it you can pierce it” 

“And you’ve...” Steve made some... interesting hand gestures in my direction 

“It’s my job... we’re getting off topic... I don’t know what they used to tattoo you and I’m gathering you either don’t know or don’t remember?” 

“I didn’t even know I had it till I... escaped” 

“Ok, from the BASIC information I know about the serum used to... create the two of you, it gave you accelerated healing, so if I drew over the top of it there’s no guarantee that the ink would stick, on one hand, on the other it could work and your chosen body art would heal in days as opposed to weeks, depending on the size of the piece” 

“What about removing it...” 

“I might not want it removed Steve” 

“Let’s just hear if there’s an option” 

“I don’t know, I don’t do removals, I can recommend someone who could, but I would say again it’s fifty fifty that it would work, if you’ve developed skin that’s less likely to wound it wouldn’t work, and that tattoo... in my... professional opinion is deep, and old, no offence... not that I want your money, I wouldn’t charge you obviously... BUT I wouldn’t recommend getting anything done until you are... back in one piece, just in case... gentlemen thank you for the pleasant... yet slightly strange evening, I should get going” 

“I’ll walk you to your car” 

Visions of him pressing me against the door of my Jeep while I stuck my tongue down his throat were floating to the forefront of my mind “I think I’ll be safe enough...” 

“If you’re sure” 

I’d pushed myself away from the table and was making my way to the elevator after scooping up my purse from the couch “I’m sure...” the doors opened and I stepped inside “... why don’t you have a make over montage?” 

“A what?” 

The doors closed and all I could hear was the sound of Sam’s hysterical laugh. 

———

I’d not heard from Bucky and it was Wednesday. I thought about texting him I really did, but what if he didn’t want to hear from me, what if he was busy, I’d begun the constant doubt phase of my accidental infatuation. 

I’d also developed an unhealthy addiction to CNN. Constantly scanning new channels, setting up alerts on my phone. Maybe there were things that needed... avenging. But no aliens had arrived to rain hell fire, again, and Steve hadn’t plunged a hellcarrier from the skies of Washington in to the Potomac, again. 

At lunch time between clients, and after composing it in my head all morning, I text him 

‘Sav Rogers (Kirby Dots)’ what’s up? 

By six pm, no reply, it hadn’t even been read, only delivered. 

“Jed let’s call it a day huh?” 

“Really?” 

“Yup...” 

I didn’t even go upstairs. Just locked up the store and got in my Jeep. Alpine had a automatic feeder so she wouldn’t notice my absence. 

Most average people would assume they’d just been ghosted. Only Bucky wasn’t average. 

When I was crossing the bridge into Manhattan I decided to call ahead, just in case. 

“Savannah Anna Bobanna...” 

“Hey Tony” 

“What’s up kid? You in trouble?” 

“No I erm haven’t heard...” 

“Oh the one armed Bandit, god Steve is bad at communicating, the Wiener Solider is in the cradle, he’s been in there for a couple of days as it’s complex...” 

“Oh...” I turned my car back towards Brooklyn 

“Hey no, don’t go back...” I forgot he could tell where I was, probably with pinpoint accuracy “...I mean you’re almost there now, it’s in the medical wing, at the back, I’ll give your ID card access so you can get in...” 

“Thank you Tony” 

‘NOT a problem, I’m away with Pep...” 

“Where are you Tony?” 

“On a jet bound to the Hamptons” 

“Of course you are” 

“Hi Savannah” 

“Oh hey... Miss Potts” 

“Like I said... not gonna be there, but if you need to stay, the room on Wanda’s floor is always open for you... or maybe you’d like to... bunk up with...” 

“TONY” 

“What Pep? Aren’t you glad the boys have a normal friend to play with?” 

“Goodbye Tony... Miss Potts” 

I hung up. Praying he was just jesting and that people hadn’t noticed the way I would at Bucky for a fraction of a second longer than was ‘normal’. I’d have to reign in it. Carefully monitor my actions around him, without Bucky feeling like I was being hostile towards him, he’d experienced enough of that for his longer than average lifetime. 

This is was going to have to be purely professional. A tattooist visiting a potential client. A potential client who lived in a skyscraper full of potential clients, potential clients with very large pockets.

I was still on this train of thought when I pushed my way through the final set of doors. The clearance level alpha doors at the back of the medical wing. Then I doubted even a superhero wouldn’t be able to keep their cool. 

A huge room, so many control panels, it looked like the bridge of the starship enterprise. In the centre was what could only be described as an electronic sarcophagus. It was horizontal... hovering.

“Good evening Miss Rogers...” 

“Hello FRIDAY... where is everyone?”

“Captain Rogers is in his quarters with Mr Wilson and Agent Romanoff, am I to notify them of your arrival?” 

“NO... I mean no thank you FRIDAY” 

“As you wish... I assume you’ll be wanting a progress report on Sargent Barnes? Dr Cho is at the coffee machine, she will be with you shortly” 

I tried to take a step forward to the... cradle, but every time I tried my legs felt like jello. Plus I was fairly sure I was so anxious I’d now reached the point of auditory hallucinations, specifically off key muffled... singing. 

“Miss Rogers... we have been expecting you” 

“You have?” 

“Of course... I’m Helen Cho... for the purpose of this conversation consider me Sargent Barnes primary physician... I have to say, it’s a pleasure to meet you at last”

“Erm...” 

She walked towards the cradle. Noting the readings on the screen that was on the side of it.

“This is the cradle, a healing device, it will rebuild tissue to repair a wound, in this instance it is being used to create a suitable mesh of living tissue to which his new arm can be attached... it could of course have generated a whole new arm for him, but he was insistent that he keep some version of the mechanic limb... this is a compromise”

“Does it hurt?” 

“I assure you Sargent Barnes is incredibly comfortable... he has been heavily sedated, we did not want to... trigger an old trauma by placing him a confined space” 

“Makes sense”

“Well... I have some paper work to do, I’ll give you some privacy” 

“Wait is it... graphic?”

She smiled broadly “I wondered why you were keeping your distance, the window at the top there? You’ll be able to see his head, that’s it, would you like me to stand him up?” 

“If it won’t hurt him?” 

“Not at all...” she leant over the cradle “Sargent? Your friend is here... I’m going to stand the cradle up so she can see you...” It rose from the floor, the angle getting stepper until it was vertical. I could see his face, he was sleeping soundly by the looks of things “If you have any questions or concerns I’ll be at the nurses station out front” 

“Thanks” 

She left the... Bridge? Like a spaceship? It sure felt like one. Leaving just me and him. Then I heard the singing again. I wondered if a radio or sound system was softly playing somewhere. But then I saw his lips move. 

“Bucky?” I edged closer, still not totally connived I wasn’t going to NOT see his internal organs, or bones at the very least. 

“Baby you’re a... fiiiiirework....” 

“Katy Perry, really?” 

“Savannah?” His eyes were half open. 

We were face to face, as close as I’d allow myself to get to the Perspex screen between us. 

“You didn’t text me” 

“I’m... sorry... are you... mad?” 

“I thought you were ghosting me” 

“I am THE ghost” 

“Okaaaaaay... well I just... wanted to check you were ok” 

“Don’t... don’t go Savannah Rogers... Savannah Rogers...” 

“Yeah?” 

“Wizard of Oz” 

“You’re the wizard? I’d say you were more the Tin Man if we’re being honest” 

“I saw it... but I didn’t understand it, until Savannah Rogers” 

“Oh my god you’re so high, enjoy the trip dude, text me when you land back on Earth” 

“Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick follow, follow follow follow... follow the yellow brick road” 

“You’re delightful when you’re high, just so you know” 

“Everything is in colour now, like Oz” 

“Well you know you are old... we have colour now, not black and white anymore” 

“NO...” he hadn’t slurred and his eyes were wide open, staring straight at me “You... you Savannah you are the colour, everything was black and white and then there was you, you’re every colour I could’ve imagined and then more, a rainbow that was meant for just me, it pours from you, from your head to your toes, flowing beams of multicoloured light from your fingertips...” 

“I...” I was backing away from him, he’d gotten in my feelings, and I didn’t want to hear any more or I’d let myself believe what he was saying opposed to knowing it was just the ramblings of some industrial sedation. 

His smile was lopsided and his eyes had lost focus again “Cause baby you’re a fiiiiiirewoooork... come on let your coloursss buuuurn” 

“Get some rest Buck” 

I turned and headed toward the door, it opened before I got there. 

“Savannah?” 

“Steve” 

“Shit” he sighed, totally deflating “I forgot to let you know about...” he pointed to the cradle “...this” 

“It’s ok I mean I’m just a tattooist from Brooklyn and you’re... well you’re Captain America” 

He laughed “I am but really I’m just some guy who let something important slip my mind, because please don’t EVER think you are not important me and to him especially... you’re invaluable” 

Not wanting to release the emotional outpouring I felt like I was on the precipice of, I pulled my head in check and let it race in front of my heart “How long?” 

“Forty eight hours so far, that’s why I came down here, to talk to Helen see if he’s nearing the brain part of this...”

“Brain part?” 

“Yes the arm is controlled by implants in his brain. A lot of what HYDRA put in there is gone now, when he was in Wakan... Africa, they removed the old ones, the cradle will build in new ones for him” 

“Will it hurt him”

“Not at all” 

“Stevie look... look at Savannah, she’s a rainbow... I bet she has a pot of gold for me to drive right in” 

I blushed furiously “Good drugs huh?”

“The best...” 

“I was just leaving, I was... worried when he didn’t text me back” 

“Oh sorry... it’ll be my fault, I erm... take his phone away from him on a night... god I sound like a overbearing dad right now... he found Google, which isn’t strictly a bad thing, I just didn’t want him Googling himself, or his family... as much as I want him to live a normal life in twenty twenty I just don’t want to have him experience an overload of information and have it... upset him... there are things he needs to know... just... slowly... one thing a time... when I came out the ice it was simpler, my mind was intact, it was easier for me to adjust... his brain is...”he sighed again “full of holes and broken... we’re fixing it though... just... slowly” 

“STEEEEEVE” 

“Yeah Buck?” 

“She’s beautiful... she’s my fiiiiiiiirework” 

“In the forties he’d have called you a dame and winked at you till you went on date with him, probably to the movies, he was a fan of the back row...”

“I really should go” before that image can fully form in my mind... I’d be wearing a full skirt, with stockings, no panties, a button front blouse so he could slip his hands... 

“Of course... I can... email you updates until he’s free of the cradle?”

“Yup yup... Goodnight Bucky” 

“Goodbye rainbow girl...”

If I hadn’t been absolutely certain there was cameras EVERYWHERE in the garage I’d have masturbated in the front seat of my Jeep before I even left the building. Instead I held it till I got home. Stripping down to my underwear, I reached into my bedside table and pulled out my newest acquisition. Something I never in a lifetime would’ve thought I’d own but my fingers were no longer satisfactory. I yanked off my panties, hurling them to the other side of the room. 

I poured a ample amount of lube and spread it, between my folds, around my entrance and on the main body of my overpriced realistic rampant Rabbit sex toy. 

This was going to be one hell of an evening 

———

At five pm on Thursday Agent Romanoff entered my store. 

“Kirby Dots... clever” 

Jed head left early, he’d finally secured a date with the bear shaped man at Brooklyn Bean and he was currently doing whatever it was Twink’s did to get ‘date ready’ probably waxing his entire body and bathing in knock off Dior Sauvage from the Asian Market. 

I’d not had any bookings past two, probably good, as sitting down had become a little... sensitive. I’d sent out a multimedia blast offering buy one get one frees on piercings and within ten minutes had a line down the street. At four thirty we met the end of the line and Jed left to clean up. 

I’d only stayed as I’d invested in a new store computer and a diary program which I was trying to decipher, without much luck. 

“Agent Romanoff?” 

“Steve... ever the cautious creature, thinking that you’re being watched by people other than us... would like to let you know... James is being prepped for brain surgery, and he’s asking for you” 

“Who is, Steve or... James?” 

“James mainly... but Steve figured it’d be best to have you there just in case” 

“In case of what?” 

“It’s brain surgery, we have the best Dr’s, there’s always a chance of... error... you don’t have to come with me”

“No I’ll come with you...” I’d had enough of looking at the computer, plus my hands were cramping more than normal

I grabbed my jacket from the coat rack and followed her outside locking the store behind me  
“This is you car?” It was a brand new black Corvette Stingray “Of course this is your car” 

“You ok? You’re walking like you went on a cross county horse trek” 

“Oh...” I blushed, deep and red “In my work I have to get into some... odd positions” 

“Uh huh...” she raised a brow and clambered in her car, motioning for me to do the same “You might wanna put your safety belt on” 

Natasha Romanoff drove the streets of New York as if they were a Speedway. I was worried about feeling I would have to make conversation with her, but the way she weaved in and out of traffic had me gripping the sides of my seat unable to form words, or thoughts other than ‘oh my god were gonna die’

“Here you go... medical wing” 

“You’re not coming in with me?” 

“Nah... I’m going to... visit a friend... I’m sure Steve will Uber you home... if you don’t sleep over that is...” I stepped out of the car, with difficulty “... see you later Miss Rogers” 

“Agent...” 

She drove out of the parking garage just as she’d driven through the streets of New York. With sped. A trail of gravel blowing up behind her. 

Bucky was out of the machine and back in the room he’d been in originally. He seemed to be asleep. A starchy white sheet pulled up to his chin meaning I couldn’t see either of his arms. 

“Savannah thank you for coming... sorry about Natasha’s driving”

“If i hard a car like that and probably wouldn’t get a speeding ticket, I’d be the same... so...” I went to sit down on the chair next to his bed and winced as if I’d sat on a hot poker “... I’m fine, had to get in some awkward positions at work” 

“I know a little about that” 

“Why am I here Steve?” 

“He’s been asking for you, didn’t believe you’d come to see him when he was in the cradle until I showed him the tape... don’t worry, it’s playback only, no audio, he doesn’t know he sang to you... it’s time for his brain surgery and I’d rather explain it to you face to face” 

“Go on...” 

“When HYDRA found him after he’d fallen from the train, they’d already experimented on him, nothing much just... to see if he’d reject certain... things... before they could attach his arm they needed to place neuro transmitters into his brain for it to work and for him to be... submissive... from what I understand it took many... procedures for it to work they way they wanted... when he was in Africa, all of that technology was removed... then when he was recaptured it was haphazardly put back... now... it’s not going to be taken out more... upgraded” 

“Will he still be... him?” 

“Yes... and even more so, part of the technology was used to... suppress his memory, keep him obedient, that also means that there’s a chance he could wake up from this will a fresh set of traumatic memories, but it’s a chance he was willing to take”

“He’ll... remember me?” 

“Oh Savannah... I don’t think you understand how...” Steve was stood over Bucky, he ran a finger across his forehead softly “... embedded you are in here” he smiled at Bucky’s sleeping form and then looked back to me “We are attaching his new arm as well” 

“Brain to... erm... navel makeover?” 

“Something like that, what is your schedule like tomorrow?” 

“Nothing I can’t cancel” 

“Because you’ve developed a cold, but you should be over it in a twenty four hours?” 

“I feel a sniffle coming on now you mention it” 

He beamed at me “There is a viewing gallery above the surgical theatre” 

“No thank you, I’ll be with Wanda?” 

“Ahhh Wanda is... away... as is Sam... please consider my apartment your home.... if you want to catch some sleep Bucky’s room is the one with clothes and pieces of paper strewn everywhere but the bedding is clean...” 

The door beeped and two women in green theatre scrubs entered, Dr Cho I knew.

“Hello” she had a thick African accent and beautiful skin, she did look a little... young “You are the other Rogers... you’re just as imagined, my name is Shuri I’ll be assisting with Sargent Barnes surgery today” 

The door hadn’t closed and two more male nurses came in to the room behind them.

“Aren’t you a little... young?”

“Age is but a number Miss Rogers, he’s not my first broken white boy that needs fixing... gentlemen can you take him to the Stan Lee theatre please... we are ready for him” 

“Wait” I stood up and leaned over Bucky, lowering myself and putting the smallest kiss to his forehead “For what it’s worth Sargent, I’m glad I saved you” 

The nurses began to wheel him out of the room. 

It was barely above a whisper and it Steve heard it he didn’t react “Me too Rogers... me too”

Steve slung his arm around my shoulder and we watched him being taken away until he was out of sight. 

It was going to be a long twenty four hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it’s s shorter chapter.  
> rest assured I haven’t run out of plot but I am due back at work tomorrow


	3. sometimes before it gets better, the darkness gets bigger

Steve went to the gallery. He went to watch his best friend have his head cut open. I supposed he’d seem worse on the battlefield. But still. 

I sat in the waiting area at first. I text Jed as opposed to call him. Didn’t want to interrupt his date. Told him I’d eaten something I shouldn’t and wasn’t going to open the store tomorrow. He didn’t question me, it wouldn’t be the first time I’d spent the evening ass on the toilet, head in the trash can, crying. Plus, he added, if the rest of his evening went as well as it had been going so far he wouldn’t be in a hurry to come in anyway. 

I didn’t have any bookings, I tried to keep one day a week free for walk ins so I didn’t need to message any clients ‘hey I have to cancel because I’m waiting for an assassin with a metal arm to come out of brain surgery’. 

I paced for a while. But that just made me dizzy. Then I realised I hadn’t eaten since lunch and went in search of food. I headed for Penthouse Two. I knew that somewhere was a dining room but I didn’t feel like having eyes on me right now. 

Steve’s kitchen was well stocked, I found fresh tomato soup in the refrigerator. It took me longer than it should to figure out how to use the microwave. Stomach full and the warmth from the soup seeping into my bones curiosity got the best of me. I was just going to sit on the couch, maybe flick through some TV but I had to see... 

There were two doors leading off the main living area, directly opposite each other. I pushed the first one open and instantly knew it wasn’t the room I was looking for. Steve’s bed was immaculately made to the point I wondered if he’d pressed his sheets once they were in place. It was almost sad, the room was devoid of... life. A couple of family photos, some of his time in World War Two. Above his bed mounted on the wall was a replica of his shield. At least I ASSUMED it was a replica. 

I pulled the door closed and turned around. 

I took the steps across the corridor slowly, trying to talk myself out of it. It wasn’t going to do me any good, it was only going to push me down deeper into infatuation, one that was going to break my heart because a world in which me, a tattooist from Brooklyn, six foot tall with a fat ass and wonky teeth got to make out with a... Avenger, wasn’t a world that was real. 

Just this... I was going to allow myself just this... indulgence. 

I took a deep breath and pushed the door open. 

It was CHAOS. 

“Oh... god” 

After my initial thought of, what the fuck, my second though was, I need to pee. I really need to pee. I quickly walked to the door that I assumed led to the en-suite. I was right it did. It was chaos in there too. But at least the seat was already down. 

I debated picking up some of the wet towels strewn across the floor but then thought better of it. 

He seemed to have shunned the high end toiletries that had been in the bathroom at Wanda’s. Instead there were bottles of body wash and shampoo that you could easily pick up at CVS scattered across the shower floor. There was a running theme, everything had some kind of reference to winter on each bottle. Like fragrance ‘ice blast’ or ‘ocean freeze’. 

As I washed my hands, noting that he squeezed his toothpaste tube in the middle like a psychopath, I decided that I’d gotten this far in, I was going further. I opened his cabinet above the sink. 

So many medications, and post it notes on each bottle telling him what time to take it. Antidepressants, anti anxiety, mood stabilisers, anti convulsants, and my personal favourite; ambien. A fleeting thought crossed my mind. If his metabolism burnt things off quickly... were these medications especially made for... enhanced people? Was there a branch of the pharmaceutical industry that made medication purely for super humans? 

On the bottom shelf, next to his razors and deodorant was a bottle of Tom Ford aftershave. Tobacco and Vanilla. I allowed myself to take the top off and smell it. It was heady and rich, but lacking his skin underneath it, it wasn’t the same. 

OK. I was going back into his room. I could do this. I could... work it out. 

One wall wasn’t a wall, it was floor to ceiling windows that looked out over the Hudson, we were high up enough to see Brooklyn in the distance. Above his bed, covers pulled back, pillows looking like they’d been wrestled in a cage match, was where it seemed to... start. There was a large sheet of paper where his family tree had been drawn, dates of birth, dates of... death. But no branches showing that his sister had married or had children. Then a timeline of sorts on a separate piece of paper, dates showing when he was drafted, dates names and locations of missions, the date of his ‘death’, then a gap, followed by dates when Steve realised he was alive, when he found him, when he was in Africa. There were photographs tacked up, of his family, of his squadron, with post it notes next to each person in the frame with their names, and dates of death. Apart from Steve it was a wall of ghosts. 

The next wall were photographs of everyone he knew... now, in twenty twenty again with the post it notes with names written down, some of the people I recognised because I’d met them, some of the people I’d seen on the news, the rest; I was sure were beyond my clearance level. For some reason there were photos of goats? 

He didn’t have a closet, he had a bank of drawers, most of them open with clothes spilling out and on to the floor. The tops of the drawers were strewn with piles of note books. I didn’t look in them. 

Then there was me... in my desperation to empty my bladder I’d walked straight past my own portrait. Nearest the door. I had my own... shrine? No that wasn’t right, it was like when a detective puts a photograph of a victim in the centre of a board then puts red string leading to potential suspects, except it wasn’t... morbid. He’d got the two ‘professional’ photos from my website, one of me sitting behind the desk and one of me working. Then of ALL the photos of me that I’ve shared on Facebook and Instagram, he’d chosen the one of me sitting on my Mom’s couch with a kitten sized Alpine in a pair of tartan pyjamas on Christmas morning. I hated it, I had no make up on, I was in my pink hair with serious roots phase, I looked like I had at least three chins and all of them had acne. Thanks Mom. 

I had post it notes upon post it notes, some of them factual, some of them descriptive. I didn’t read them all. I couldn’t do it. But I did notice that everyone else’s post it notes were the standard yellow squares. Mine were different colours and shapes, clouds, stars... rainbows. 

The wall directly opposite his bed housed a huge TV on the floor underneath was, by Tony Stark standards, a positively ancient DVD player and CD player. Surrounding them was what could only be described as a multimedia explosion. Stacks of DVDs, every genre you could think of, including some titles in what I think was Russian. Then the CDs, he had a ‘greatest hits of...’ album for every year from nineteen sixty to twenty twenty, then CDs he must’ve been given to try. More post it notes. Some simply said yes or no. Some noting that he wanted to hear more of a certain artist. Some were questions, my favourite was ‘how do you set fire to the rain?’

“I’ve not introduced him to Apple Music yet”

I jumped so hard I dropped the CD I was holding “I... I...”

“Sorry I thought you’d heard me come in”

Steve was leant against the door frame

“This is...” I put the CD, greatest hits of Queen, back on the pile

“Yeah... he likes... hardware... we’ll get him to download music and movies at some point but, for whatever reason, right now this is the easiest way for him to... catch up”

“And...” I gestured to the walls “... this”

“It’s...” he sighed and looked saddened “...almost like dementia, some days he forgets newer information”

“Will he ever be... normal?”

“In time...”

“He could’ve chosen a better photo of me” I tried to lighten the mood slightly 

“Ahhh that was... Sam... while trying to explain Facebook to him... have you eaten?” 

“Soup” 

“Can I get you anything else?” 

“I don’t think my stomach can handle it” 

“Yeah... I know what you mean” 

“Is he... still in surgery” 

Steve walked past me and sat down on the edge of the bed, patting the space next to him for me to join him. Which I did. 

“He’s had his new arm attached, it’s blue and gold, he chose the colours himself, why those ones I don’t know... when they moved on to his brain surgery I left, I thought I could handle it, I was wrong, even though it’s done with... microscopic openings and lasers, I just couldn’t” 

He leant forward head in his hands. I hesitantly put my hand on his back in comfort. 

“I don’t think I’m qualified for this...” 

“Yeah... I’ve been meaning to ask you... on the subject of qualifications” he sat back up, picking a piece of fluff from his sweater, I put, my hand back in my lap “...how does one become a tattooist?” 

“Oh... erm... cliff notes or unabridged?” 

“Full version please” 

“I was terrible at school, I hated it, it hated me, square peg round hole... I was only good at Math and Art, which seem to be polar opposites but you actually NEED Math in art... anyway I went to community college to study art after high school, I tried all kinds of mediums and styles, sculpture, painting, pottery, but I just couldn’t... something was... missing... one weekend my friend dragged me along while she got a tattoo of a freaking playboy bunny on her ass, but as soon as I saw it being done I knew... I knew it was what MY art was missing, it was missing literal life... I wanted my art to move and breathe... not to just be hung on a gallery wall, I wanted it to walk around and be seen, be worn... it took me months to find a studio that would take me on as an apprentice, and you don’t get paid not even tips... I’d be in there nine till four then work in a bar in Soho from five till two am to pay the bills... I worked at the studio I did my apprenticeship at until I bought my own studio... and that’s it...” 

“I love art... when I was a... little guy, I’d draw and paint... but I can’t imagine ever drawing on a person... that’s permanently on them, for life...”

“You know I’ve done Captain America tattoos right?” 

“No...” 

“Yeah, the shield, lots of those... and the comic book versions of you” 

He looked like a light bulb had gone off over his head “That’s WHY it’s called Kirby Dots” 

“That’s why it’s called Kirby Dots” 

“I’m glad it was you Savannah” 

“What do you mean?” 

“That it was you that brought him in, from what I gathered that night when he was... rambling... he’d been watching you for a while, looking for... me, he’d found you listed in a directory, knowing I wouldn’t be for obvious reasons, he assumed we were... married... when he’d reached desperation, that’s when he approached you” 

“Yeah like I’d marry Captain America” 

He looked... offended “Why not?” 

I gestured up and down my body and then his “That’s why” 

“Savannah you realise you’re beautiful right? I mean... I’ll admit I prefer brunettes but still... “ he quickly rose from the bed “... I have some files I need to look at, take a nap, yell if you need anything” 

With that he was gone, and I was... beautiful? 

——— 

I’d laid down, in Bucky’s bed. I don’t know why. Well I did, I had a creepy crush and was allowing myself to do ridiculous things like lay where he’d laid. Just to see what it felt like to be in his bed.   
I rearranged the pillows to my liking, so they were under my head, not randomly tossed to the side all misshapen and lumpy. One minute I was laying looking out across the city, perhaps wondering if he liked to be the big or little spoon, the next I was blinking my eyes open to dawn breaking and Captain America standing over me. 

“Hey... he’s out of theatre, in recovery... will you come with me? I’m...” 

“Scared?” 

“Yeah” 

“Sure... in the words of Bella Swan I’m gonna need a human minute” 

“Is she the vampire girl? 

“Do I want to know how you know that?” 

“Just because I’m a hundred doesn’t mean I’m out of touch... I’ll wait for you by the elevator... if you need to change your clothes... just wear some of Bucky’s that he never does even though I bought them for him and I’m going to stop complaining now” 

He left me alone to try and... arrange myself, I’d slept in my logo work tee and jeans, I’d not even taken off my sneakers... did I want to change? It would mean rummaging... fuck it I was in this deep may as well go deeper. I chose a drawer that was open already and chanced upon black sweatpants in a extra large, no way Bucky was an extra large? He did have those thighs though... at least they’d fit over my ass. There was white a Stark Industries tee in the same drawer so I grabbed that too. 

I peed, swilled my mouth with mouthwash, thankfully my purse had an emergency pair of ‘period’ panties and some deodorant. There was no saving the make up, I looked like a trash panda. Fuck it. 

“Sorry...” 

“Not a problem, I figured human minutes included eating... even if you don’t feel hungry... here” He handed me a granola bar and bottle of water as we stepped into the elevator 

Nothing was said in the elevator, not out loud anyway. My mind was screaming that I was totally out of my depth here. Or perhaps... just perhaps this was some kind of dream? I was going to wake up in my bed, Bucky Barnes purely a figment of my imagination. The granola bar sure felt real to my tastebuds though. 

The hospital wing was eerily quiet. I wondered if they’d cleared everyone out that wasn’t... important. 

Once again he was back in the room. Tubes up his nose, heart monitor on his chest. 

I looked at his head first, I’d expected him to have a huge bandage but there was nothing, his hair didn’t look as... ruffled as normal but that was all. THEN I noticed his arm, no longer a stump, no longer in a sling. There it was... the metal arm, and it was glorious. Where metal met shoulder there was no blood, no open wounds, just reddened skin, I couldn’t for the life of me work out how it was attached, it looked seamless. 

“Arm...” 

“Don’t be afraid Savannah” Steve pushed the door open and entered the room walking straight to his bedside. I lingered in the doorway “Buck?” 

“Hey punk” 

Steve deflated somewhat “How you doing?” 

“Gooooood” He was slurring again “Is the rainbow here?” 

“Yeah Buck she is...” 

“Hey Rainbow Girl”

“Hey Buck”

“You like my new arm?” 

“Its very... shiny?” 

“Watch what I can do...” he didn’t move an inch, not even a twitch “See?” 

“Bucky? What do you think you’re doing right now?” 

“Cartwheels” 

“No Buck” 

“Oh...” 

Shuri and Dr Cho appeared behind me, meaning I HAD to step closer in the room, still not convinced this was real. 

“He thinks he’s doing cartwheels” Steve looked... exasperated 

Shuri sniggered and went to read his charts. 

“He had a pretty strong paralytic agent, for... safety... it’ll wear off over the next couple of hours, however he might not do cartwheels... today anyway” 

“Helen... Helen... have you seen Savannah? She has a pot of gold, gold Helen, GOLD” 

Helen turned to look at me and smiled, she’d been examining his arm. Shuri sniggered, again. 

“Everything looks good here, I need to return home...” 

“His brain?” Shuri was almost out the door, before Steve spoke up

“The implants now only control the arm, that’s it, to explain it simply he has been wiped clean... everything HYDRA did has now been erased, he can no longer be controlled with words... his memory I could not fix, that’s on him, it will probably improve but he may not have recollection of major life events, at least not consciously... it’s something to be discussed with his psychiatrist but it might be that it’s better he doesn’t remember” 

“I can’t thank you enough... your highness” 

“Your highness?” 

Shuri gave a dismissive wave “Titles are not of importance... though I would like to reference this case in my journals, names redacted of course” 

“Of course” 

“Savannah Rogers” she’d turned to look at me “... it has been my pleasure to make your acquaintance... should you ever wish to visit... Wakanda will be honoured to have you stay in our country” 

“Wakanda?” 

She smiled widely but didn’t offer further comment “Sargent I have enjoyed seeing you again very much...” 

“Laters taters” 

“Quite...” she swept from the room. 

“James follow my finger” Helen was shining a pen light in Bucky’s eyes with one hand and the other hand was waving across his line of vision, his eyes were... kind of focused “...excellent...” she put the pen back in her pocket “... he’ll be able to leave once he regains use of his body... I’ll be in my office if you need me” 

“Thank you Helen” 

“Not a problem Captain... is Thor... visiting soon?” 

“I’ll ask him to stop by next time I speak to him” 

She blushed, tucked her hair behind her ears and left, very light on her feet. 

“She wants the hammer” 

“BUCKY” 

“Oh Lord there’s two of you... two S Rogers, in unison...” His eyes were truly losing focus 

“Get some rest Buck” 

“Pssst Stevie...” he stopped talking to giggle, so Steve bent over him “Make sure the rainbow is still here when I wake up”

“I will... right Savannah?”

“Right” I crossed my heart as his eyes fluttered closed and light snuffles began to come from his dozing form. 

We both went back to Steve’s penthouse. I’d left my phone there. At least I could do something vaguely work related while I waited for Bucky to wake up properly. I knew Steve liked to draw so I asked him if I could borrow a pencil and some paper while he read various reports on... incidents that maybe needed his attention. What I hadn’t expected was for Steve to open a cupboard in the living space that was basically his own private art store. He pulled out a beautiful leather bound sketchbook for me, said it could be my ‘here’ sketchbook, along with a brand new sets of pencils, coloured ones and technical drawing pencils. 

We worked in this odd... harmony. Like an old married couple passing each other the sections of a weekend newspaper over brunch. I sketched not just tattoo ideas but everything that came to mind. He fed me, bacon and eggs. He had the same, only multiplied, by... A LOT. 

I stood on the terrace smoking. The breeze was light and warm, the sounds of the city muffled by the height of the penthouse. 

“Can I?” Steve motioned to the pack of Marlboro menthol on the table 

“Sure” 

“You know...” he lit up and took a long inhale “... Doctors used to prescribe cigarettes as a treatment for asthma?”

“I should quit... really I should” 

He shrugged “Everyone’s allowed some vices” 

“Even Captain America?”

“Oh especially Captain America... these are better than they were... that’s for sure” 

“The past freaks me out” 

“Why?”

“Oh god so many reasons... cleanliness being one of them”

“It wasn’t medieval England, we had baths, I mean fair enough they were tin tubs and it was once a week...”

I shuddered “Yeah... no thanks, I need hot and cold running water, wifi and access to junk food...” 

“Good Afternoon Captain and Miss Rogers” FRIDAYS disembodied voice was coming from... somewhere 

Steve laughed “Perhaps we should get joint business cards” 

“What and cross out tattooist or Captain America situation dependent?”

“Yeah” 

“Or we could just fight for the right to be S Rogers”

“A fight I’d win for many reasons”

FRIDAY coughed, I wasn’t aware AI’s could do that “As I was saying... Sargent Barnes is awake and being brought up, now he has use of his limbs again”

We disposed of our cig butts in a plant pot and headed inside just in time for the elevator doors to open revealing Bucky in a wheelchair, an orderly standing behind him, stern faced. 

“I still don’t see why I needed the chair... I have a METAL arm” 

A metal arm he was waving enthusiastically in the orderly’s face. 

“And I explained, it’s standard medical practice no matter who the patient is” 

He caught sight of me and Steve “Stevie... Sav... will you get me out of this goddam chair?” 

“Sure” 

I left it to Steve to help. I’m not a total weakling but lifting a super soldier might be out of my capacity. He was slightly unsteady on his feet, but he was now more... balanced. The night I found him the arm had obviously been weighing down his left side. And without any arm he’d had a tendency to topple more to the right. Now he was, upright. 

The elevator, annoyed orderly and wheelchair departed and Bucky was deposited on the couch. With a hefty thud. 

“So what’s been going on up here? Are they my clothes?” 

“Yeah... I was... brought here without any notice” 

He gave me a look of approvals “Huh...” 

“I should go home” 

“Why?” 

“Gotta keep up the pretence of being semi normal, not let on I’m hanging out at Stark Tower, plus Alpine will eventually notice I’m gone and she’ll be pissed” 

Bucky patted the empty space on the couch next to him “Not yet... please?”

“Ok... but seriously... I need to go home and take my make up off before it walks off my face in disgust” 

He raised his flesh hand to the corner of my eye after I’d sat down next to him and rubbed, his finger coming away blackened in eyeliner “Women... in the war... used to use soot as eyeliner, right Stevie?” 

Steve who was stood over us looked positively delighted at this recollection “They sure did” 

“I’ll have you know that eyeliner costs a whole three dollars from CVS” 

“You wanna feel my arm?” 

“Buck...” 

“I am in control of it... it’s alright Savannah I won’t hurt you” 

“I trust you... I think...” He turned towards me, reaching the metal arm out, palm open. I let my fingers graze across the palm “Oh... it’s... warm?” 

“Yeah” he closed his hand around mine 

“And softer than I thought it would be?” It’s expected it to feel either super rough or super smooth depending on the metal. It didn’t feel like flesh, it didn’t move like flesh but it wasn’t the Terminator cyborg I’d been expecting. It moved like a human arm though, the delicacy of touch was obvious “How... powerful is it?” 

“Yeah let’s not get into that right now, you’ll need to do some... training” 

“Captain Sensible” 

He was still holding my hand “And that’s my queue to leave you gentlemen... Steve thank you for your hospitality” 

“Anytime Savannah, and sorry about it being short notice, Shuri’s schedule is...” 

“It’s fine...” I withdrew my hand with ease and stood up from the couch “Bucky I’ll return... these”

“No need Doll...”

“Can I arrange a ride back to Brooklyn for you?”

“Nah I’ll take the subway, I could do with the walk”

“If you’re sure” 

“Yup” I slipped by phone in my pocket and grabbed my purse from where it was hanging on the back of a chair at the table “Bucky... I...”

“Thank you... for being here and yes... I have no doubt you’ll see me... soon” he winked at me.

“Take care... both of you” 

As I felt the cool evening air hit my face when I exited the tower I had one thought; James Buchanan Barnes I am so far infatuated with you, it’s ridiculous, to the point of nausea and I’d like a refund on my emotions please. Fuck.


	4. I keep telling myself I’m not the desperate type. But you got me looking in through blinds.

Bucky was grounded. Oh boy was Bucky grounded. Post surgery his meds needed adjusting and Bucky being... well Bucky no one was quite sure of the effects it would have on him so he was advised, STRONGLY, to not leave the tower while he levelled out. 

Fortunately for me he’d learnt to FaceTime. This was also UNFORTUNATE for me for two reasons.   
One, the meds adjustment gave him the sleep schedule of a newborn baby, and he had no concept of time, three am FaceTime calls had become a norm. I no longer panicked when my phone rang in the middle of night worried it was my Mom and she’d gotten arrested for selling ditch weed to college kids for gas money (not that she needed it) because I knew it would be a steel blue eyed assassin with fluffy hair staring at me, whining about boredom. I’d started sleeping in make up after investing in some industrial make up setting spray meaning I could look fresh faced and not haggard. 

And TWO, the FaceTime was doing nothing to aid the crush. A small part of me hoped that after his surgery, and with me knowing I’d done a good deed, he’d... move on. Be a twenty first century person, whether that meant getting a job of some kind or whatever technically dead people did. But seeing him, it just... with the heart flutters and blushing. Every time I tried to withdraw I came back because I didn’t want him to be offended and I’m a glutton for punishment. I’d decided that it was going to end soon, he’d get bored. And when that happened I’d be ready, I’d stocked the heartache cupboard with cigs, booze and weed and ready to cry and then close that part of myself off again, hopefully one day I’d look back on it fondly. I’d take my adventures with Bucky Barnes to my grave. 

Jed and I were behind the desk looking over the appointment app, mid morning, nothing vaguely exciting was happening. Until Spiderman literally swung in through the store door. Jed toppled off the chair. I was standing, and remained doing so, thankfully. 

“Hey... cool... store... Savannah Rogers?” 

“That’s me” 

He came across and placed a golden envelope on the counter. 

“See you around Miss Rogers” he saluted me and then swung out the door again.

“Is it safe? Are we under attack? Is it aliens again?” 

“Nah you’re good, I don’t think it was actually Spiderman it’ll be some promo shit” He’d pulled himself off the floor and back on the chair. I had the envelope behind my back out of sight “I’m just gonna...” 

He nodded. 

If I walked into my room and closed the door without a client in there he understood it was a signal that I was feeling overwhelmed or anxious and I’d need a solo minute to recenter myself before I span out. He didn’t need to know that I was a hundred percent sure that actually was Spiderman, and that I knew who Spiderman really was thanks to Bucky’s wall of faces to remember. AND whatever was in the envelope was meant for my eyes only. 

It opened out flat, no slip of paper inside. 

‘Tony Stark cordially invites you... 

SAVANNAH ROGERS 

to Pepper Potts Birthday Extraordinaire 

Stark Tower, Friday 7pm 

smart casual’ 

Oh good, great, marvellous... what the fuck? I paced, I opened the fire door and smoked in the alley, wrestling as to whether or not to go. It didn’t say RSVP, which was typical of Tony Stark, if he invited you somewhere you had to go. 

“Jed?” He was sat idly flicking through Pinterest boards, probably planning the interior of the apartment he was dreaming of getting with the Brooklyn Bean guy 

“Sav” 

“What does smart casual mean?” 

“Not a ball gown but not jeans” 

“Well that’s helpful” 

“Why?” He’d spun round on the chair and was looking at me, eyebrow cocked

“One of the suppliers is having a party in the city this Friday, and I got an invite, said smart casual, I don’t know if I’ll go though” 

“I think you should go, you never go anywhere anymore, not even to the bar...” I went to speak but he kept going “I know your depression can take a hold and you just wanna be a blanket burrito but just go for an hour huh? Then you can slink home and I’ll not complain to you for the next six months that you didn’t go” 

“Ok... and also but why” 

“Because... I am a gay man, and I hate to stereotype my fellow gays but we love a good makeover and you dear are in desperate need of a make over, do you even have anything to wear?” 

“I’ll just go to the Mall” 

“No baby no... Manhattan Friday night? You’re gonna need to do better than that” 

“Forever twenty one?” 

“No... do you even own a skirt?”

“I’ve not worn a skirt since I was in college” 

“That’s a no...” 

“I’m not wearing a skirt... or heels” 

The store door opened and my next client walked in. 

“Ok... no skirts heels or dresses, by the time you’re done with this young lady here I guarantee I’ll have found you the perfect outfit... I swear” 

“Uh huh... Hey Leigh...” she was hanging her coat up on the rack “... come through and we’ll get started” 

Two hours, one Peacock tattoo and some major leg cramp later, and Jed was STILL sitting at the computer. As Leigh handed me her cash I glanced at the screen and saw he had too many tabs open for me to count. Oh Christ. 

“Right.. ok...” the door jangled closed and I bent over his shoulder “THIS... is a ‘co-ord’” 

“A what?” 

“A matching top and pants that don’t look like a uniform” 

“Huh” 

“YUH HUH... so this one...” he showed me black tailored pants and a tuxedo jacket

“What do I wear underneath?” 

“You don’t” 

“What if I get sweaty? You know I get sweaty... next” Next was another pair of pants with a top that was literally just a band of material “Nope... boobs too big... next” this time the top only had one shoulder “... strapless bras are THE WORST nope...” the next one was backless “... ain’t no tit tape in the galaxy to hold these down, next” he opened the next tab, still the black high waisted pants but this time the top was... not horrible, chiffon capped short sleeves “I like it but it’s cropped on her so it’ll probably only just cover my boobs, what about my fat parts?” 

Jed sighed and rolled his eyes “Order it... oh and I found you shoes” 

He opened the final tab “Sold” the store door opened and my next client came in “I’m claiming it as a work expense, use the business card in the cash box, size fourteen bottom, twelve top and men’s ten shoes... Andy how’s it going? Ready to get the bat symbol on you for life? Let’s go”

The next time Bucky FaceTimed me I hesitated in answering, not because it was the middle of the night. It was barely early evening, meaning his meds had levelled out OR he’d been up for days and had reached a level headed enough stage to use his phone. No the reason I hesitated was I had a Walgreen’s bag on my head covering my roots while the bleach processed and beard dye on my eyebrows. 

I pointed my phone in Alpine’s direction, she was curled up on the couch. 

“Hey... oh hey Apline, Sav why can’t I see your face?”

“I’m not fit for human consumption” 

“You’ve seen me fresh out of brain surgery... come on, do you have a pimple?” 

“No... I’m... doing things” 

“Sav... I’m a hundred year old man that’s been to war” 

“Oh for fucks sake” 

I pulled the phone into my hand and let him see me. 

“Oh... huh... erm... what are you doing?” 

“Party prep” 

“What party?” 

I thought Steve would have told him, but then I realised he was probably having a memory misfire so I changed the subject. I told him about my day until it was time to rinse and fearing my hair literally falling out before Friday if I left it on for too long, made my excuses and hung up. 

I wanted the days to go slow but Friday came around way too quickly for my liking. And I was nervous as hell. I was jiggling, twitching, trying to not dry heave. Jed threw me out the store early afternoon. He’d booked me in for a full face of make up at Ulta. Said it was a gift from him and Bryan. I wasn’t aware Brooklyn Bean guy had a name, apparently he did, it was Bryan and he’d paid for make up and lashes for me? Ok then. 

When I got to the Mall the artist was running behind and I found the store had a blow out bar. So I treated myself. I couldn’t remember the last time someone else had done my hair. Never mind me PAY for someone else to do my hair. 

Would he even notice? Men, no matter even if they were a hundred years old weren’t very observant. Why did I care if he did? Just because my eyeliner was now MAC as opposed to CVS would it make him fall madly in love with me? Doubtful. 

Every time I did something... something crush related, something to make myself... traditionally more attractive, I told myself it was the last thing. Yet I couldn’t stop myself from doing something else. Part of me was glad knowing all this was gonna end soon. I was getting annoyed with myself, I was losing the person I’d spent ten years building. Independent, free thinking, closed off. It was... awful. 

By the time I was done, I was almost running late, I got back to my apartment with just enough time to throw on the outfit and shoes Jed picked for me, dowse myself in proper perfume not drug store body spray and head out the door without having the time to wind myself up that the top was a little more cropped than I anticipated or ply myself with a couple of predrinks to calm my nerves or most importantly of all, talk myself out of going altogether. 

I’d booked an Uber, I didn’t want to get grubby and sweaty riding the subway. And I didn’t want to drive because this defiantly required booze, copious amounts of booze. 

There was a line outside the tower, limos, town cars and vehicles that I didn’t know existed outside of rap videos. The wait didn’t do anything for my nerves. I was positively vibrating by the time I got out the car. I had to show my invite and Stark ID and pass through a full body scanner before I could take the elevator to the ‘recreation and entertainment level’. 

I stood at the back of the jammed elevator, trying to blend into the back wall. But blending in is harder when you’d have teal hair, and tattoos, you tend to stand out in a crowd. Even a crowd of Tony Stark type people. 

The elevator doors opened to reveal a busy thriving party. A high class party. A Kardashian style party where a thousand Instagram photos were taken and shared. Walls of beautiful flowers, balloon arches,, waiters in bow ties with trays of food and drink that probably cost more than my monthly grocery shopping. I was truly a fish so far out of water that I’d washed up the moment I got out of my Uber. 

I was still trying to blend into the back wall. People were filing out of the elevator and into the party. It wasn’t until the final person stepped out leaving me alone in there that I saw him.   
He was leant against the open elevator door, stopping it from closing, stopping me from taking the dam thing back down to the entrance and fleeing. 

His smile was lopsided, his hair was styled, eyes sparkling. He was wearing smart black well fitted pants, black dress shoes and most interestingly a black short sleeved shirt, unbuttoned to the point of indecency, only it wasn’t solid black, it was covered in... daisies. 

My heart leapt forward to the point I was sure it was visible to the naked eye. 

“Hey...” 

“Hey” 

“You coming out of there?” I was still against the back wall, both hands gripping the rail behind me “It’s perfectly safe” He offered his human hand out towards me. I reached out for it before I could stop myself “Shall we?” 

“Sure” 

I was now out of the elevator and level with him “You... you look... incredible”

“Thank you... I like your shirt” 

He beamed at me “I picked it myself, did you know that in this century men have the option to dress with femininity without being ridiculed?... come... let’s do this Doll” 

He swept me through the party, pulling me from group of people to group of people, who all seemed to already know who I was, even though I had no clue who they were. 

Soft music was flowing through the room, my glass was never empty, the moment it got to the bottom it was topped with more champagne. He was at my side at every moment. Conversation flowing too easily between us, like the alcohol, the food, the whole evening. 

I spied Steve sat at a table, holding hands across it with a guy who had short brown hair and a super cute face. When he saw me he got up and made his way over to Bucky and I. 

“Savannah” he kissed my cheek “You look... I mean...” 

“Thank you...” 

I looked round him to the guy he was with. 

“Oh I’m sorry, Savannah this is Eddie... Eddie Brock” 

“Pleased to meet you...” he shook my hand “... I’ve of course heard all about you” 

“Well I hope I live up to the hype” the alcohol was truly in my bloodstream now 

The lights in the room dimmed slightly and Tony Stark appeared on a stage with a crushed grey velvet curtain behind him. He raised his hand to try and block the spotlight that wad shining directly on his face. 

“Good evening...” people were still talking, milling about eating and drinking and generally not paying attention to him so he stuck his fingers into his mouth and released an ear shrieking whistle causing everyone to stop in their tracks, silence settled across the room and people faced the stage “... FINALLY... thank you everyone for coming tonight to help me celebrate the birth of the woman I’d be lost without... Miss Pepper Potts... can I get a round of applause for her? Come on...” people clapped with enthusiasm, I noticed Pepper stood by the side of the stage looking slightly embarrassed “... anyway... Pep... I wanted to get you something... to show you how much I love and respect you... that I am eternally grateful... for everything you do and...” 

‘GET on with it...” 

“Jeez Barton... I’m trying to... you know what never mind...” for a moment I thought he was going to propose and this was going to become an engagement party, but then he did something so much bigger, so much better, something I couldn’t have ever thought of in my wildest dreams “... ladies... gentlemen... non binary and... other... please put your hands together and welcome... FLEETWOOD MAC” 

The curtain swung open and my mouth dropped open, so far open I was sure I felt my chin hit the floor. It really was them, it truly was Fleetwood Mac. Me... a tattooist from Brooklyn in an outfit from ASOS and sneakers by converse was breathing the same air as the goddess that is Stevie Nicks. STEVIE. NICKS. 

“I know who they are... hey Stevie... I know...” he turned to where Steve had been to see his and Eddie’s heads disappear from sight “... he always did have a... thing for pretty boys with extensive vocabularies... guess it’s just you and me Doll” 

“And Fleetwood Mac” 

“And Sam” 

I looked around Bucky to see Sam had joined us, beer bottle in hand “Other Rogers... Bucket” 

“Wilson” 

I couldn’t take my eyes off Fleetwood Mac, I was enthralled, as if it was the holy rapture. If I died tonight I would die happy. Eventually my bladder, filled with champagne got the best of me and I had to excuse myself to pee. 

I made it back in time to hear the intro to my favourite Fleetwood Mac song, probably one of my favourite songs, period. Sam had vanished and just Bucky remained, although the room was filled with people, he was the only one in focus. 

His hand was once again stretched out to me as I approached him 

“You wanna dance?”

“I don’t know how” 

“I’ll lead” 

He pulled me to the centre of the dance floor where other couples were spinning round, swaying, singing. His metal arm around my waist he pulled me tight towards him, taking my hands and placing one on his shoulder the other he laced his fingers through and with that he led me in a waltz, never once breaking eye contact. 

He stopped spinning me, the song hadn’t finished so for a moment I felt confusion. 

He pulled me tighter, the fingers of his metal hand stroking the skin on the small of my back between where my pants stopped and bottom hem of my top didn’t quite meet. 

Then in the middle of a packed dance floor with Fleetwood Mac’s Everywhere being performed, James Buchanan Barnes a hundred year old amnesiac assassin, let go of my hand cupped my face and kissed me. 

My brain shut down. Time stopped. And clearly I’d been kissing the wrong people up to now. I sank into him, into his kiss, I let my body press harder against him. I heard applause. The song had ended the kiss hadn’t, it had just got deeper. 

I broke away first, I needed to breathe. 

He ran his thumb over my kiss swollen bottom lip and smiled so widely he could’ve lit up all of Manhattan. 

“Bucky I...” oh no, oh no no, my feet had turned into blocks of ice, my head over ruling my heart “... I have to go... I can’t do this... I’m... sorry” 

I freed myself from his arms and ran.


	5. And when it all goes to hell, will you be able to tell me sorry with a straight face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry

Stark Tower   
Mission Control. Room B.   
Meeting Log Number 540   
13:00  
In Attendance: Tony Stark, Natasha Romanoff, Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers, James Barnes

S. Rogers: Why are we here Tony? 

T. Stark: Sorry to drag you from... a reporter Steve really? But we have a problem. The FBI decades ago created a technology that would pick up certain words in telephone conversations that they thought could lead them to potential threats to national security... 

S. Wilson: And? 

T. Stark: I modified this technology, and programmed it to suit my needs, if anyone of us was mentioned, a threat against us and so on... FRIDAY playback 

Start Playback. 

‘911 what is your emergency?’ 

‘Hello... my name is Jeremy, Jeremy Plinksi, I think my boss... I mean my friend... I think she’s missing’ 

‘OK Sir can you tell me their name?’ 

‘Rogers, Savannah Daisy Rogers’ 

‘And what makes you think they’re missing?’ 

‘She’s not at work, and she’s not in her apartment and her phone... it doesn’t even connect or ring out or go to voicemail, it’s just dead... oh god...’ 

‘And when did you last see them?’

‘Yesterday, early afternoon, she went to a party in Manhattan last night, but I don’t think she came home, her bed has not been slept in’ 

‘Is it possible that she... met someone and stayed the night with them?’ 

‘No... not at all... not Savannah... this is completely out of character for her’ 

‘I’m sorry to say Sir that she needs to be missing for twenty four hours before we can open a missing persons case’ 

‘BUT ITS BEEN TWENTY FOUR HOURS SINCE I LAST SAW HER’ 

‘I understand that but I think it’s highly likely that she will turn up in her own time’ 

‘ARE YOU SERIOUS?’ 

‘As I said Sir... do you know the address of the event she attended or anyone there perhaps you could contact them?’ 

‘No it was a supplier, she’s a tattooist’ 

‘Sir I have logged this call, the case number is 92375BSR, if she arrives home call us and quote that number, if she isn’t back this time tomorrow call and quote that number’ 

‘FINE’ 

End Playback.

T. Stark: Barnes? What did you do? 

J. Barnes: I didn’t do anything... I kissed her

S. Rogers: You did? Good for you Buck 

J. Barnes: But then she ran off, said she couldn’t do it 

S. Wilson: Dam Bucket, you must be rusty 

S. Rogers: I think it’s probably more to do with her... grey... thing 

J. Barnes: Why the fuck are we sitting here talking? Something has happened... screw this... I’m going to find her 

S. Rogers: I don’t think that’s a good idea

J. Barnes: Fuck you Steve 

S. Wilson: What are you going to do? Search all of New York?

J. Barnes: If I have to 

T. Stark: Barnes sit down, we need to do this rationally, maybe she went to see her Mom, isn’t she on some road trip? Barnes here kisses her, she freaks out and runs to her Mom, I mean it wouldn’t be the first time anyone has done something like that 

J. Barnes: No she wouldn’t go without telling Jed

N. Romanoff: Bucky is right, Savannah is a creature of habit, to the point of OCD, she wouldn’t just flee... no matter what happened 

T. Stark: FRIDAY run a complete search with facial recognition for Savannah Rogers, across every security camera within a twenty mile radius of this building for the past twenty four hours including Subway cameras, cameras in store fronts, if it records, search it. In the meantime where is her phone?

FRIDAY: Boss the tracker on her phone is disabled, it was the first thing I checked

J. Barnes: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

S. Rogers: Buck stand down 

J. Barnes: Again, FUCK YOU STEVE 

FRIDAY: It means that either she doesn’t want to be found, or someone doesn’t want her found 

T. Stark: How long will that search take? 

FRIDAY: I approximate two to three hours Sir 

S. Rogers: Buck... breathe

T. Stark: Really? You’ve broken my table 

S. Wilson: Buck... sit down 

N. Romanoff: James... James... come back to the table 

J. Barnes: Fuck ALL OF YOU, I’ll do it myself 

T. Stark: FRIDAY go faster 

End.  
Time 13:23


	6. we’re all fighting growing old in the high hopes of a few minutes more to get on St. Peter’s list, but you need to lower your standards because it’s never getting any better than this

My head. 

OH GOD MY HEAD.

What the hell happened? Oh yeah... Bucky, he... kissed me, HE KISSED ME and I ran away. I could still see the vision of him in my head, that lopsided smile leaning in, his thumb rubbing across my cheek as we closed that final inch. I could still feel his kiss on my lips, the way he was so gentle. My arms had floundered at first, my body... frozen. Slowly they’d moved, one to let my fingers stroke along the base of his neck, the other holding his mechanical bicep. 

And then, when we’d broke apart, he looked at me like I’d hung the moon. Why did I run? What the hell was I thinking? 

Had he called after me? 

I must’ve gotten home, opened the heartbreak cupboard and gone to town. Probably washed down some Xanax and ambien with the bourbon that was in there so I’d pass out and forget for as long as possible.

Open your eyes, you need to know what time it is at least. Then you can throw the covers back over your head and cry. 

My eyes are open, why is it still dark? Must’ve put my eye mask on before I passed out to prevent the sun from blinding me for as long as possible when I woke up. 

Ugh I’m gonna have to take the dam mask off, I’m gonna take it off and the room is gonna spin, I hope drunk slash over medicated me put the trash can close to the bed for the vomiting that was bound to happen. 

I can’t move my arms. Probably slept on them, especially if I’ve literally been unconscious on them for Lord knows how long and I am not light. They’ve gone numb. They’ll be like silly string or cooked noodles. Wiggle them till the feeling comes back, try not to let them smack me in the face while I do that. 

They won’t move. At all. Strapped down?

AND WHAT is that... taste in my mouth? Like... rusty metal... what is that? It taste like... it tastes like... blood. Have I been grinding my teeth and bitten the insides of my cheeks? 

I’m going to have to think of last night, again. 

Bucky kissed me, I kissed back. Then I ran away. He looked heartbroken, like when Bart shows Lisa the moment Ralph’s heart breaks in the Simpsons, it was like that, only a thousand times worse. The look on his face as I’d said no kept spinning around and around in the forefront of my mind. 

I remember the elevator ride down to the lobby. I remember a valet asking me if I needed a ride home, he could order me a Uber? I said no I’d take the subway, mumbled it was hot at the party and I needed to cool down. When I what I wanted to say was ‘my crush kissed me and I’ve run away, and I feel like I need to keep running, literally’ 

I remember walking to the subway station. It was... what four blocks from the tower? First block, I remembered that and the second. Then before I reached the third block I remember thinking ‘alleyway’ which sent me spiralling into remembering the chain of events that led to a technically dead man kissing me, a chain of events that started in an alleyway. 

There was a man... hadn’t there been a man in the mouth of the alley? Yes. A homeless guy, he’d asked me for change. I’d had some in my purse, I’d opened it, looking down, rummaging to get to it past my phone, lipstick, perfume, gum.

Then... nothing, that was it. 

I could hear murmured voices, I’d heard them since I woke up but they just sounded like the normal foot traffic outside my apartment on a Saturday morning. 

My apartment... my store... Jed... Jed didn’t know where I was. I’d lied to him, well not directly but I’d been vague about where I was going. He didn’t know... he didn’t know... NO ONE KNEW. 

The voices were deep, male and not speaking English. 

I could hear footsteps, footsteps coming closer. The sound of footsteps hitting a surface that was not the flooring in my apartment, there was too much echo. 

What is that smell? Doesn’t smell like vomit, the detergent I used to wash my sheets, my perfume, cigarettes, ink, the sterilising products I use, Alpine... it smells like... oil? And metal? Like a mechanics? No, it felt... too big... the voices too far away the footsteps too echoey for it to be a normal sized commercial garage. 

The footsteps turned to shuffles. Directly in front of me. My hair was suddenly pulled. And hard. 

“Ow what the fuck?” 

Light, the world had light now, and it was super bright. 

I didn’t want to open my eyes. If I opened my eyes I’d have to accept whatever reality this was. 

Savannah you can do this. You’re tough. 

A guy with brown slicked back hair was crouching down in front of me. He was dressed like Steve, like an old man in a young mans body.

“Good Morning Miss Rogers, I’m sorry about this...” he motioned towards me, I looked down at my body, I was still in my clothes from the party, my arms were bound behind me, with what I couldn’t tell “... but you failed to cooperate with my colleagues last night” 

“Look I don’t know WHO you are or who you THINK I am but I assure you you have the wrong person” 

“Sorry... I apologise, let me introduce myself... my name is Helmut Zemo... we have a mutual friend” 

“I hate to tell you this but I can count the people I call ‘friend’ on one hand and one of them is a cat, so... I doubt it” 

“See... I think you do know... Bucky” 

SHIT. LIE. 

“Who the hell is Bucky?” 

He’d been joined by a huge mountain of a guy dressed head to toe in black, when I noticed he had a very large, very menacing looking assault rifle strapped to his chest true panic set in. 

“Demetri...” 

Zemo stepped away and the huge guy struck me, hard across the face, my head span. 

“Sorry about that... really I am... let’s try again... I’m talking about James Buchanan Barnes, also known as the Winter Solider” 

“Winter is coming? Game of Thrones is over dude and... spoiler alert... the dragon lady dies” 

Demetri approached me again but I was ready for him this time, he bent down to my eye level, and with the little bit of wiggle room I had, I threw all of my weight forwards and head butted him. I’ve never so much as ever slapped anyone, never mind a head butt, the pain was blinding, I could literally see stars. 

“BITCH” 

He uppercut me on his way back up from where he’d slightly toppled. I felt the bones in my jaw crunch and I bit my tongue.

“Savannah... Savannah... Savannah Rogers... you know there is another Rogers equally as protective over Bucky... though he’s perhaps more capable of... defence... now... where is the asset?”

“I told you...” I turned my head to the side and spat the blood from my mouth “... I don’t know anyone called Bucky, Winter Solider, or THE ASSET... and the only other Rogers I know is my Mom”

“Ahhh yes... your Mom... Janis is it? Janis Rogers...”

“Where is she? What have you done to her?” 

“Relax... she’s fine, in New Mexico... I’ve been keeping a close eye on her, along with... Jeremy? Jed... your faithful sidekick... Bucky was the sidekick to Captain America... in World War Two... now surely that’s someone you’d remember?” 

“Oh THAT Rogers? Of course I know HIM, I saw him yesterday... on the TV” 

Demetri stepped forward again, but Zemo signalled for him to stand back. 

“What is it that’s making you so... protective over him? I mean really... you’re not anything other than... human, you’re a tattooist... why the... loyalty?” 

While Zemo had been talking I was desperately trying to take in my surroundings, without him noticing. AND while trying to get my eyes to focus after the strikes to my head. The ceilings were high, the roof had skylights, the rest was corrugated sheet metal. The walls bare but dirty, concrete breeze blocks painted white a long time ago, no windows. There was nothing in the space apart from me, Zemo, Demetri and another head to toe in black armed man by two huge metal doors that were slightly pulled open. 

“I told you... YOU HAVE THE WRONG PERSON...” 

“Ok... we can wait” 

“For what? Christmas?” 

As I rolled my eyes I noticed something go over the skylight, it was small and fast, not a person, but not a bird. Like a drone, but with wings. Was this an airport? Is this a hanger? How did I get to an airport? JFK is miles away from where I’d been. How long had I been unconscious for? They must’ve knocked me out... did they hit my head? No when I’d gotten the change from my purse and looked up the homeless guy was holding something... what was it? A syringe, he was holding a syringe. 

Zemo and Demetri had walked away from me, they were talking between themselves, again in a language I didn’t understand. 

Ok Savannah... come up with a plan, you need to escape. Get out of the wrist bindings. Nope too tight AND attached to the chair. If I go, I have to take the chair with me. I tipped the chair forwards slightly seeing what state my legs were in. They were stiff from disuse, painful and protested when I put some weight on to them. The chair was wooden, heavy, with metal legs, it wouldn’t be quiet if I moved it, especially if I dragged across the concrete floor. How far away is that door? What like fifty feet away? I could do this, I could make it. 

Just do it. Don’t over think it. Just do it. If they lunge... trip them, swing the chair, use it to your advantage. 

I took three steps before Demetri was on me again, a hard punch to the right hand side of my rib cage and I went down... HARD. Chair still attached. 

“Really?” Zemo had crouched down beside me “Not smart Miss Rogers, not smart” 

I could see through the crack in the door better now. A vehicle parked just outside them, a van, a black transit van. Parked on concrete which stretched back until it reached grass. No trees. No buildings. Just grass and sky. Not an airport then, but no sign of any kind of buildings. No city skyline. NOTHING. 

“HELP ME... CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME... HELP ME”

“No one can hear you... there’s no one there...” 

“Shall I gag her?” 

“I don’t think that will be necessary Demetri, there really is no one to hear her” 

“It might get annoying and I have a headache” 

There were feet visible under the van, at least three pairs. Booted. More of... whoever these people were? 

A silver canister bounced in through the gap between the doors. Smoke began to fill the space. I could barely see a foot in front of my face.

Oh god... bomb... bomb... BOMB 

I tried to pull myself into a position where my back was facing the entrance, perhaps the chair could shield me? No that won’t work, feet... Savannah get on your feet. 

Nope too much pain from being floored. I was ninety percent sure something was broken. 

This is it. This is the end. I’m going to die now. No one is going to know what happened to me. Will there be enough of me left to identify? When did I last see a dentist? For the dental records. Oh god... Mom I’m sorry for all the shit I put you through... Bucky... Bucky I’m sorry I ran away. I closed my eyes tight. The last thing I was ever going to see was a cold concrete floor.

Someone was behind me, cutting my wrists free. 

“Kirby Dots secure, I repeat Kirby Dots secure... can you stand?” I turned over now free of the chair to see Agent Romanoff standing over me offering out her hand “Savannah can you stand?” 

“Bomb” 

“Smoke grenade” She grabbed me and hauled me to my feet 

“I like your outfit” 

“Ok let’s get you out of here... gentlemen the ladies are leaving now” 

“Who are you talking to?” 

“Comms” 

“OF COURSE you are” 

Steve was here, fully suited, he threw his shield and knocked down Demetri and the other guy with one throw totally incapacitating them. The shield coming back to him like a dam frisbee. 

“I don’t think so...” 

I turned, Zemo had gotten behind us, he had a gun raised to us. She was holding me up with one arm and used her free hand to try and signal for him to lower his gun. 

“I wouldn’t if I were you... that’s a fight you won’t win” 

He squeezed the trigger, all I saw was smoke coming from the barrel, I didn’t hear the bang, why didn’t I hear the bang? 

A white hot pain ripped through my upper chest and I fell, the final bit of strength in my knees literally crumbling away.

“Shit... stay down Savannah... HEY where do think you’re going?” I could see Zemo running towards the back of the building, another door there that I hadn’t been able to see until now. She pulled a taser from her holster, firing it at him, he fell like a lead weight to the floor, convulsing “Savannah... stay with me... you’re going to be ok... don’t go to sleep I know... I know right now you’re feeling pretty sleepy but you have to stay awake... don’t give in to the shock” 

“My chest is hot” 

“Yeah... you’ve just had an ounce of lead pass through it...” 

“Oh just a flesh wound then” 

She put her two forefingers to her ear “White Wolf... I repeat White Wolf... rear door, south side of the building” 

Everything was starting to get fuzzy around the edges. I was dying. I must be dying because when the back door opened a holy vision appeared. He had light shining round him like an angel, his whole head eclipsed in bright white light. 

“Hey look... Jesus is here... to be honest I thought I was going to hell” 

“Shit... Savannah... DAMMIT... Natasha” 

“He moved too quick Steve, I couldn’t deflect in time” 

Jesus walked over to Zemo on the floor and used his foot to toss him so his back was on the ground rather than face down

“Finally you’re here... and I can begin...” I was definitely slipping from the world now. Zemo was talking in tongues. A demon, he was a demon trying to take Jesus to hell. 

Jesus stood frozen above him until he finished. No Jesus, don’t turn to the dark side. I don’t feel so good. I really don’t feel so good. 

“I don’t work like that anymore” a hard fist to the demon’s face. Wait was that a... metal fist? Jesus has a metal fist? That’s so cool... he must’ve gotten an upgrade. And a good one at that because the demon wasn’t moving anymore. 

He started moving towards me. The light surrounding him now gone, I could see he wasn’t wearing robes. I’d expected him to be wearing robes. Instead I saw black cargo pants, black combat boots. I tried to move my head to look up towards his torso and shoulders but it hurt too much, like the hole in my chest was ripping further open.

“I’m ready... it’s ok, but Jesus can you make sure my cat is looked after?” 

Through the skylight in the roof I saw an angel... wings spread wide flying overhead.

“Falcon... we need medical assistance NOW... DON’T MOVE HER... not until the med team arrives... copy that Falcon... they’re less than a minute away” 

“Jesus I like your boots but I was kind of expecting sandals” 

A face was beside mine, a face sporting a lopsided grin combined with steel blue eyes full of concern “Sorry to disappoint... as you can see I’m not Jesus... I guess I did rise from the dead though” 

“Bucky?” 

“Hey Rainbow Girl...” 

“Bucky...” I tried to reach my hand out but it hurt too much, everything hurt too much “... I’m sorry... I’m sorry I ran... sorry I ran away” 

“We’ll talk about it later... if YOU want to... but right now Savannah...” I was losing focus again “... look at me Doll... don’t go to sleep” 

“I’ve been shot I deserve a nap, just a little... just a little one” 

“STEVE WHERE IS THE MED TEAM?” 

My fuzzy vision saw light again, but this time flashing blue and red and.... more red... and yellow. 

“Tony we agreed I’d handle this” 

“Yuh huh how’s that working out? Huh Steve? ... Hey kid, you ok down there?” 

“Bucky is Jesus” 

“Faaaantastic... I’ll go help Wilson put the bad guys in the truck” 

There were more people headed toward me now, more work boots in my line of sight. 

“This Savannah Rogers, thirty five years old, no enhancements... Buck stand back... GSW to the upper left chest, as for other injuries... I don’t know... BUCKY... STAND BACK... she’s lost A LOT of blood...” 

Nothing was in focus, only him, just like last night, giving me a final moment of clarity “Bucky... listen to Steve... I mean it’s not like...” darkness was creeping in “... it’s not like... I can runaway again” 

Then finally... the world went black. 

———

When the world lit up again it wasn’t anywhere I instantly recognised. It was a ballroom, why the hell am I in a ballroom? How did I get here? I don’t know any ballrooms... no... this is the ballroom on the boardwalk at Coney Island, I came here when I was a kid. My grandad would let me stand on his toes and spin me. But it was empty, devoid of life. 

“Hey Doll” I span around to see Bucky behind me. He was in his dress uniform, hat lopsided 

“Hey...” 

“I like your outfit” 

I slowly looked downwards. I was wearing a... dress... and heels... my tattoos were gone, my skin blank. 

“What’s happening?” 

“Who cares” he stepped forward and pulled me into his arms “I’m going to kiss you... Ok?” 

His hands cupped my face “Hey your arm” both his hands were flesh

“Oh... yeah... we’ll work it out later” 

When he put his lips to mine they tasted like... plastic... what the hell? He turned to vapour and vanished, the ballroom fading to a black void. 

“We’re too far from a medical facility equipped to deal with this, she’s losing too much blood, the bullet must’ve hit an artery... can the jet facilitate a gurney?” 

“Not a problem...” 

“Let’s roll, Sir... Sir... if you’re coming with us we need to move her now” 

The black void was swirling again, black turning to dark blue, dark blue and twinkling. With puffs of cotton wool around me. I was standing on one of them, I think. 

A figure was coming closer to, literally walking through the air. 

“Bucky? Why are your dressed as two thousand and five Pete Wentz?” Skinny girl jeans and a too tight hoodie on a six foot super soldier was not a good look, the eyeliner and swooping bangs however... those... those could stay. He was moving more rapidly now, unzipping his hoodie to reveal a superman tshirt underneath “Cool shirt dude...” He collided with me, like a boulder hitting me, knocking me from my feet “What the hell man... not cool”

He lifted his mechanical arm above his head, his hand clenched into a fist, his human arm wrapped tightly around me. Am I wearing a white satin nightgown? Jesus... what the fuck. Then we shot upwards. Was he... was... he flying? We went higher and higher, up and away from the clouds and into the stars. 

The air was getting thinner, my chest felt tight and heavy, I couldn’t get it to expand properly to gain a full breath. I stated choking, and coughing and coughing until I started coughing up... flowers? But they weren’t drifting away from my face, they were smothering me, I choked and coughed even more, more flowers, red ones, roses, tulips... they were obscuring my view of Bucky, all I could see was red. 

“Shit... she must have a punctured lung... how far out are we?”

“ETA five minutes to the Tower”

“She’ll not make it, we’re going to have to tube her...”

I was falling from the sky leaving a trail of flowers as I fell. 

I landed with a thud, my backside hitting a worn down seat. In front of me were stars. To my right was... Han Solo? Am I in the Millennium Falcon? Awesome. 

“You might wanna hold on to something your highness... things are about to get bumpy”

Where there had been stars was now an asteroid field. 

“Darth Vader is Luke’s father”

“I don’t know what that means I’ve never seen this movie” 

“Bucky? We might need to talk about this outfit in the future...” 

“And I’d like to talk about yours too...” I looked down and I was wearing the infamous gold bikini, that’s not right, this outfit isn’t in this movie, this is clearly Empire, escaping from Hoth, the gold Bikini is in Jedi “...but like I said buckle up Princess” 

“Is that a blaster in your holster or are you just pleased to see me?” 

“Not the time your worshipfulness”

I was bouncing up and down in the seat. My whole body shaking. It felt like being on a rollercoaster, kind of fun, until it wasn’t and everything went black again. Did the Falcon crash? Are we now in the stomach of that creature... where’s Chewie? Why am I still shaking?

“She’s seizing...” 

“We’re almost at the elevator” 

A blinding light assaulted my vision “Pupils reactive” 

I was now aware of being incredibly cold, I tried to convey this to whomever was near me right now but it came out as a drunken style slur “mmm col... dd” 

“Savannah? Listen to me...” I felt as if I was in a hurricane “... it’s Bucky... you’re at Stark Tower”

“Wiiiiiiind” 

“Yeah you’re high up on the landing pad... you’re going to medical, Dr Cho is here now” 

“Savannah... Savannah can you hear me?” 

I tried to sit up right, a surge of adrenaline hitting me “Don’t fly the Falcon in there it’s not a cave... it’s not a cave”


	7. I didn’t come for a fight but I will fight to the end

Stark Tower   
Medical Wing, Trauma Bay One   
Log Number 140  
18:57  
Attending Physician: Dr Helen Cho  
Patient: Savannah Rogers   
Present: James Barnes 

H. Cho: James you’re going to need to wait outside... FRIDAY full diagnostic 

J. Barnes: No 

H. Cho: She needs to go in the cradle and to do that I’m going to have to remove her clothing, would she want you here while I do that? 

J. Barnes: Fine... but I’m taking her shoes with me... 

H. Cho: Wait until the diagnostic completes in case there is trauma to her feet and ankles that you might make worse by taking them off 

J. Barnes: Sav? 

H. Cho: She’s in shock and incredibly sedated, she won’t respond 

J. Barnes: Sav I’m sorry this is my fault, I swear I’ll burn them to the ground 

FRIDAY: Diagnostic complete... head trauma, broken nose, gun shot wound to the chest through and through no remaining fragments, broken ribs on the left causing a punctured lung, fractured ribs to the right, significant blood loss, blood pressure and heart rate low but steady 

H. Cho: Thank you Friday... James if you must take her shoes go ahead but be quick, I only have a limited amount of time to get her into the cradle 

J. Barnes: Rainbow Girl don’t you dare give up on me

H. Cho: James please 

J. Barnes: I’m going... I’m going 

H. Cho: FRIDAY make note James has now left the room... ok Savannah, I’m truly sorry because this outfit is really nice... then once we’re done you can go in the cradle... FRIDAY approximate cradle healing time please

FRIDAY: Twelve hours estimated healing time 

H. Cho: Excellent... oh you have... why am I not surprised... FRIDAY you’ll need to recalibrate the cradle to include... metal foreign objects... I know they’re here, you don’t need to stop, especially as no bullet fragments remain...

FRIDAY: Recalibration complete 

H. Cho: Savannah everything is going to be ok... 

End Log.   
19:27


	8. don’t take love off the table yet, cause tonight it’s just fire alarms and losing you

I’m not wearing a bra. I’m a hundred percent sure of this because my right tit is currently squashed in my armpit. I tried to free it but when I moved there was a pain in my left shoulder that was like I was being stabbed with a hot poker. 

Wait. What happened to my bra? I was definitely wearing a bra last time I was awake. It was my ‘strap them down but shove them upwards so they’re like the tits of a twenty one year old’ bra. I don’t remember taking it off. 

What do I remember? Smoke, lots of smoke, Bucky looking like a holy vision. Shot I got shot. My Mom. Jed. Shit. 

Why does my nose tickle? Is there something up there? Like a feather? 

Where is that music coming from? My mind has turned into that meme ‘I’ve got countless tabs open and I don’t know where the music is coming from’. It’s good music, what is that? Jimmy Eat World? It’s Jimmy Eat World. 

I’m gonna open my eyes and accept this reality. At some point maybe I’ll wake up and know what the fuck happened. This is like my cocaine phase only nowhere near as fun. 

It would seem I have woken up in a... florist. There are flowers of every kind I could ever imagine on every available surface. I think there’s a window but the view is obscured by, you guessed it, flowers. 

“Hello?” Looking down my body, I’m in a bed, so you know that’s... good, I’m not on the floor...again. 

There’s a standard hospital blanket pulled up to my chest and I’m wearing a hospital gown... oh... oh god, my underwear has gone too... my giant stomach pulling in underwear has gone. No one should have ever had to see them. 

“Good evening Miss Rogers... Dr Cho is aware that you are awake and will be with you shortly... if you would like me to change the music let me know” 

Dr Cho? I’m at the tower then “No FRIDAY, thank you” 

Moments later the door opens and Dr Cho appears, ipad in hand “Savannah... hello...” 

“Hi” 

“You probably have a lot of questions” 

“Yeah” 

“How do you feel?” 

“Terrible to be honest... and my shoulder it... it hurts so much... it feels like it’s on fire... and my Mom... I gotta... I gotta get to my Mom” 

I tried to get up but I was attached to too many things, and then there was the pain. 

“Rest assured your Mom is fine, and safe... as is your friend Jed... Your wound picked up an infection before we could get you in the cradle, so although the outside is repaired, inside will take a little while longer while the infection clears...” 

“What day is it?” 

“It’s Monday... just after nine pm...” 

“I have to go... really... Jed” 

“Jed thinks you’ve gone to deal with an accident your Mom had... he’s rescheduling your... appointments... so... please... relax” 

“I’m thirsty...” 

“I’m sure you are... there’s a beaker of water on the table there” I turned my head the to right and there was, of course more flowers, and a jug of water along with a plastic beaker of water with a straw in “... it’s alright you can do it, you’ll feel stiff but I assure you that you won’t injure yourself by reaching for it” 

She was right, and made a noise of approval as I drained a full beaker full of water “What’s with the... jungle” 

“Ahhh yes... I have given you a antihistamine... just in case... but well... from what I understand while you’ve been asleep there’s been a chain of events involving Sargent Barnes, Mr Wilson, Pinterest and Captain Rogers credit card” 

“Is he...” 

“Sargent Barnes?” I nodded and poured myself more water “He was... forcibly removed yesterday morning by Agent Romanoff which is when the... jungle began to appear” 

“My clothes...” 

“Ahh yes, I cut them off before you went in the cradle... sorry about that”

“No I’m sorry you had to see what was underneath them... erm did he...” 

“Oh Lord no I kicked him out the room, he did take your shoes though...” 

“My shoes?” 

“Yup... I’m sure FRIDAY will have notified him you’re awake, do you want to see him?” 

“Can I put a bra on first?” 

She laughed, took another look at my readouts and left. 

I was staring at the ceiling trying to put the events of the weekend in some kind of order in my brain when there was a knock at the door. I was expecting Bucky so I tried to push my boobs up slightly. It didn’t work. 

When the door opened it wasn’t Bucky, it was someone else entirely. 

“Miss Rogers...” he was tall, black and wearing an... eyepatch... and a... trench coat “... good evening my name is Nick Fury I’m the director of SHIELD... I’ll save you the explanation of what it stands for... firstly I owe you a debt of gratitude for... bringing in Sargent Barnes, you made Captain Rogers and a lot of people very happy... secondly, I would like to assure you that your Mom is perfectly safe, she is not being followed, nor watched... neither is your... assistant Jed, the men who accosted you have been dealt with, and are no longer a threat, to you, Sargent Barnes or anyone else... thirdly... in this kind of... event... as you are a civilian you will be financially compensated for your... trouble, there will be a debrief WHEN you are feeling well enough to deal with it... if you require any kind of psychological help with what you experienced then you have my team at your disposal... rest up and hopefully next time we meet it will be under more pleasant circumstances” 

He and his Matrix looking coat swept back out the door before I could retort in any way. Even though I had oh so many questions. Financial compensation? ‘Dealt with’? Debrief? These were all big words that my ‘been unconscious for a couple of days’ head couldn’t get around right now. 

Alpine... was Jed feeding her? Oh man she was going to be so pissed with me.

“Hey...” 

He was stood tentatively in the doorway. He looked... awful. Admittedly not as awful as the night I brought him in but still. He looked washed out, exhausted, purpling bags under his eyes. His stubble that I’d gotten used to being somewhat styled was now verging on bushy. His hair was sticking up everywhere. His clothes, sweatpants and a hoodie were rumpled. 

“You look... awful” 

“You look like you got shot because of me” 

“Are you coming in or are you just gonna stand in the doorway?” 

“You want answers” he was further in the room now 

“About the guy who shot me? Nah... I want answers about the jungle I’ve woken up in and why FRIDAY is playing my favourite album” 

He smiled, eyes crinkling at the corners “Well...” he pulled up a chair at the side of my bed “... in order... I didn’t want you to wake up to a bare room BUT I didn’t know what flowers you liked so Bird Boy showed me Pinterest and I may have ‘borrowed’ Steve’s credit card to basically buy one of every picture I thought you might like... and well... using technology I don’t understand they ‘cloned’ your phone to talk to Jed... and went through your... Apple Music? I thought it meant you listened to music about apples... and why did no one tell me you could listen to music on your phone? I can take thousands of records around in my pocket and no one told me?” 

“Those bastards” 

“Right?” His smile got wider, reaching out he took my hand in his, stroking his thumb across my knuckles “I’m sorry” 

“Would you believe me if I said I think you’re worth it?” 

“Nope” 

“About...” 

“I should’ve asked... before I... I’m... a bit... out of touch?” 

“You know... and I’m totally blaming this on the drugs right now... but when I saw you in the parking garage, behind my Jeep... I... I thought I was having a heat attack, or a panic attack and then I realised it was because I was attracted to you... it’s a feeling that can be so alien to me it... freaks me out... anyway... I erm... I went home and... got myself off... usually once I’ve done that I’m over it and life goes back to normal but this time it didn’t it just got... worse... so I allowed myself the indulgence of having a... crush... totally prepared for you go disappear just as swiftly as you’d arrived in my life... so when you kissed me I... I wasn’t expecting it... I... Bucky I legitimately don’t know if I can...” 

“You done?” 

“Yup...” 

“Good... firstly women... jerk themselves off?” 

“We always did... now we just admit it” 

“I feel I want to know more about that... Savannah... you know when I was... when it was... before... men and women dated, then got married, then had babies, and it all happened so quickly, NOW my best friend is fucking his way around the country... and people meet each other on their phones? Let’s face it I’m a mess... I’m technically... dead, I have huge holes in my memory... I have no idea where the internet comes from or what a meme is but I do know with all my heart is that I think you’re quite possibly the greatest... person I’ve ever met and not just because you rescued me... to me you are the perfect embodiment of this new century... so how about we take your weird and my weird and get even weirder?” 

“How would it work?” 

“Sexually?” 

“Hey buy a lady dinner first at least... but you’re a secret” 

“Mere technicalities Doll...” he put a kiss to the back of my hand “... wanna get weird?” 

“Weird is pretty much my favourite thing... so yes please... BUT...”

“But?” 

“If you have a foot fetish I don’t know if I’m down with that” 

“Foot fetish? People have those... and admit it?”

“Yeah... you don’t know about... you know what never mind... but you took my shoes” 

“Oh yeah... I did... because at the party you told me how much you loved them... and they got... ruined... I’m gonna get you more” 

“You don’t have to... plus erm, Steve’s credit card?” 

“Yeah that’s just a loan, turns out... I’m owed over fifty years of army back pay and... a pension?”

“We’d have to go slow...” 

“We can go at a glacial pace...”

“I need to pee...” 

“Oh...” 

“Go get some rest... you look awful... I doubt I’m going anywhere... except to pee... Bucky go...” 

“Yes ma’am” Thankfully he didn’t try and kiss me, again. I was fairly certain that my mouth had been full of blood since the last time he kissed me and I definitely hadn’t seen a toothbrush since Friday and it was apparently now Monday. He kissed my forehead instead “I’m just upstairs” 

“I know” He was lingering in the doorway “Bucky?” 

He had that ridiculous smile that could light up the world “Go...” 

“Yup yup... going now....” his form moved away from the door but I got the impression he hadn’t gone far “... I think you’re beautiful...” 

“Bucky...”

I couldn’t see him but I could hear him “I’m going... I’m going” 

“...Wait...” His head was immediately sticking round the doorway “... did you just come out of the oven? Because you’re super hot” 

“Technically a freezer” 

“Oh my god go...” 

Once I was certain he’d definitely gone from the corridor I pushed my buzzer. I was too connected to things to be able to just stand up and walk to the bathroom. 

“You buzzed?”

It was the nurse who I’d met when Bucky was in here “Oh... hey... Sharon right? I’m really sorry... I’m sure you’re busy with... more important people but I kinda need to pee”

“Of course... I’ll remove these...” she took away the oxygen tubes from my nose, meaning I could smell, unfortunately mostly myself and it was not good, but lingering underneath was him, that tobacco vanilla scent “... there’s a buzzer in the bathroom if you feel lightheaded” I was disconnected from the heart monitor and drip “... and believe it or not... you’re pretty much the most important person in here right now” 

I didn’t know how to respond so I tried to smile, but I probably looked like a crazy person. She waited while I got on my feet, I wobbled slightly but nothing too bad so she left me alone. Bladder emptied I did the thing I’d been dreading since I woke up, I looked in the mirror. 

I looked like I’d been on a week long drug bender and woken up in a ditch. My face was... mostly clean... but around the edges, under my chin, near my ears, and my neck were caked in dried blood. Yet there were no bruises, or cuts, not one. I was sure I was going to look like a reverse raccoon from head butting a bad guy but... there were only my normal eye bags. 

My hands and arms were grubby. Dirt under my nails. My feet were bloodied and bare. 

I made sure the door was locked and when I knew it was I pulled the hospital gown away from my shoulders. There was nothing there. I’d had a gaping burning bleeding hole too close to my heart to bear thinking about but now there wasn’t even a scar. The only way I knew where it had been was the tattoo I had on my shoulder now had blurred edges, obviously the cradle grew new cells, but not ink. I sighed, grateful to still be alive and put my gown back on.

Agent Romanoff was perched on the end of the bed as I opened the door. 

“It would seem I’m super popular... I should get shot more often”

“Please don’t but whatever you said to Barnes that’s caused him to have an outburst of smiling... do that again... do you want to get back into bed?”

“Nah... kind of need to stand right now...” I paced the room, touching and smelling all the flowers “... these are...” 

“A little overwhelming?” 

“Something like that” 

“I figured you’d need some clothes... a toothbrush that kind of thing” 

There were a few shopping bags at her feet “You didn’t have to” 

She shrugged “No big deal, I did get you a little something else though... as an apology” 

“What are you apologising for?” I could just about see over the flowers, sunflowers, on the window ledge and out into the night sky 

“Not reacting quick enough, I genuinely didn’t think he’d pull the trigger, I’ve leant to read people and he was... blank” 

“Honestly there really wasn’t any need” 

She pulled a box from underneath the shopping bags, an orange box “Here” 

“Agent Romanoff...” 

“Natasha, please...” 

“Natasha you didn’t have to do this...” 

“Open it... I’m not one for... watching people open gifts but...” 

I rested the box on the chair that Bucky had been sat on and removed the ribbon and lifted the top, it was exquisitely wrapped in beautiful paper, which I carefully... as much as my slightly trembling hands would allow... opened to reveal the contents “Well... wow and erm... why?” 

“It’s the same as the one you had at the party... which is now... lost in the void”

I held it up, feeling the soft leather, the perfect stitching “I hate to tell you but... and this stays between you and me... the one I had I bought from a guy on a street corner near Times Square... it cost me thirty bucks and I got a pair of sunglasses included” 

“I’ll never tell” she crossed her heart 

“Ladies...” Steve was stood in the doorway, smiling widely 

“I’ll talk to you later Savannah... if you need a... woman in this blatant house of... men... ask FRIDAY to notify me, or Wanda” 

“Thank you... Natasha” 

“Steve...” 

He gave her a tense nod “Nat...” 

With that she was gone, at least I thought she was, she was so quiet on her feet she could’ve been a mile away or just outside the door. 

The effort of standing was now taking it’s toll and I decided to climb back into bed. Steve rushed over to try and help me but I pushed his arms away “I’m fine... please don’t tell me you’ve come to apologise too, I’m kind of over it...” 

“Well I was going to...” 

“Don’t” He’d placed the box, with my new bag back inside at the end of my bed so he could sit in the chair “Sorry about your credit card” 

“Yeah... Bucky might need a lesson in modern finance, amongst other things...” 

“Are you about to give me the best friend speech?”

“No... maybe... kind of... he’s... well he’s...” 

“I’m well aware of what he is and who he was, you gave me the file” 

“I did...” 

“This is... big for me too... I am... terrified” 

“Well if it helps he’s upstairs singing... something about a punk rock princess... but really I wanted to bring you up to speed with Jed and your Mom... Director Fury is great at facts but terrible at reassurance... we were able to find you using facial and number plate recognition, we sent a recon team to check on your Mom who is absolutely fine and enjoyed what I’m assured was a very pleasant evening with Colonel Rhodes, although she thinks he’s just a nice guy in a karaoke bar... no one is following her... yesterday Tony cloned your phone... even though it’s... lost... and Natasha text Jed, telling him that while you were at the party you’d had a call that your Mom had been in an accident and you’d have to go deal with it, she also added that your battery was low, and for him not to worry if you didn’t make contact again for a couple of days... I hope that’s... ok?” 

“Well I don’t know what else I would have told him” 

“We did discuss transferring you to a... civilian hospital and having you say you’d been mugged and knocked out but Bucky... well... he vetoed that idea... passionately” 

“Sorry I interrupted your... Eddie” 

“Oh that was a one night thing don’t worry about it” 

“I don’t mean to be rude but...” I was washed over with exhaustion, despite being unconscious for two days... almost “... sleepy” 

“Get some rest, Helen says you can go home tomorrow” he got up from the chair and gave my hand a squeeze “Just don’t be surprised if you wake up and there’s a Bucky here...” 

“No more... flowers” 

“You have my word... plus... I don’t think my credit card could take it”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the love <3  
> your guys comments make my day


	10. turn off the lights and turn off the shyness, cause all of our moves make up for the silence

There wasn’t a Bucky when I woke up but there was evidence that there had BEEN a Bucky. 

I woke up about two hours after I’d crashed, in pain, oh boy was I in pain, I pushed my buzzer and Dr. Cho came in, did she live here? Did she ever sleep? At that point I didn’t care. She gave me an injection directly into my shoulder and two tablets with a glass of water telling me they were ‘the good stuff’. 

She was right when I came round again everything was sunshine and rainbows and I had no more pain. 

And when I say sunshine and rainbows I mean literally sunshine and rainbows. 

The sun was streaming in through the window and there was a drawing of a rainbow propped up on the table next to the bed. I mean a literal, like a child’s drawing of a rainbow. It said ‘I’m bored, you’re weird, you sing in your sleep, Steve is making me leave, laters’ 

I stretched my body out, nothing creaked or clicked; I drained a couple of glasses of water and headed for the bathroom, picking up the bags Agent Romanoff had brought me and went about fixing the mess I was in. The shower in the bathroom was... alright, but there’s nothing ever quite like your own bathroom. She’d really gone to town, bought me a shampoo designed for coloured hair, body wash with unicorns on the bottle, a pink sparkly toothbrush and a hair brush shaped like a cloud. 

I tried not to look down at what was swirling down the drain I really did but the sheer amount of what must’ve been dried blood and dirt were literally turning the whole shower red, not just the drain. When I was (fairly) sure I was clean I stepped out, dried off, put my hair in braids, and brushed my teeth. 

I was... apprehensive about the clothes she’d brought for me, we did not share a style in any way shape or form, I was pleasantly surprised to find an outfit that comprised of black sweatpants, black tee and grey hoodie. Miraculously, she’d gotten me a bra and pants in the right size, I’d have to thank her profoundly later. And shoes, she’d brought me black Nikes, again in the right size. Maybe if she ever wanted to step down as an avenger she’d be an amazing personal shopper. Maybe she’d like a tattoo as a thank you, but tats are distinguishing marks, probably not wise for a covert operative. 

It was Tony Stark waiting for me when I exited the bathroom. 

“Mr Stark?” 

“Tony... please” he was suited and booted “... you look better than the last time I saw you”

“No thanks to you... I don’t know how to talk to my insurance company about this” 

“Oh Lord I forgot... about... that... you aren’t going to get a bill... you’re free to go, but first we have to debrief you... do you know what that is?” 

“Not... really” 

“We all sit around a table discuss what’s happened is further action needed yada yada yada... I’ll try and keep it short so you can get home... oh speaking of home” he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a phone handing it to me “...it’s the same... but not... and I’m sorry but... I’ve put a extra tracker on there... just in case... oh and an app, think of it as whatsapp but just to get hold of... people here... you’ll need to set up a passcode and facial recognition... and I swear I won’t look at whatever weirdness is going back and forth between you and the Weiner Solider” 

“Thank you?” 

“Well just let FRIDAY know when you’re ready and we’ll meet you there... in a conference room... oh and there’s video footage... but if you feel uncomfortable you don’t have to be there for that part... you want a truck to take this... all home?” 

“Erm...” 

“We’ll hash it out later... when you’re ready” he patted my shoulder and left the room. 

I sat down in the chair to put the sneakers on when someone else entered the room, their face obscured from view because they were carrying a literal pile of food on a tray. 

“I didn’t know what you liked so I bought coffee, juice, I know you like sushi and pizza but I don’t think that’s breakfast food... the canteen doesn’t have those canned drinks you like as Steve says they’re bad but I got you toast, pastries, no cereal because you seem like a person who would think cereal is boring... plus didn’t you tell me your allergic to milk? And... other milks confuse me... so that was out... and if you don’t like any of that, I got you brownies and water?” 

The laden tray was put on the bed revealing a much better looking Bucky than I’d seen last night. 

“Hey” 

“Hey” 

I stood up from the chair, sneakers now secure on my feet. He was looking a bit... unsure of himself but I had a plan. I walked right up to him, and tried to pull him towards me by grabbing his sweater. It didn’t work, he was like an unmovable force. Luckily he quickly caught up with my train of thought and stepped forwards closing the gap. 

This time I kissed him, I threw my arms up around his neck and kissed him like my life depended on it. He used his metal arm to grip the back of my head deepening the kiss. I couldn’t stop myself I was literally grinding against him which was both incredibly sexy and kind of uncomfortable at the same time, my boobs were crushed into his chest, his rock hard chest, under his shirt... I could put my hands under there if I wanted and I doubted he’d object. Didn’t I have to be somewhere? Did I live somewhere that wasn’t here? Didn’t I have to do something that wasn’t kiss him till my lips went numb? 

Oh... right, debrief... debrief... debrief, the removal of pants? Because that would not be... unpleasant. 

Nope. Shit. 

I pulled away but, only my face. We were nose to nose. I wasn’t running this time, and I wasn’t going to let him let me go either. 

“Thanks for breakfast and the drawing of the rainbow and the flowers and...” 

He smiled and closed the gap between us again. 

I no longer have a brain, it is now mush. Nothing else exists on this earth. No wait apparently my stomach does, it rumbled loudly. 

“You should eat” 

“I should” 

“I hate to interrupt... this... but...” swivelling heads revealed Sam stood in the door “... Tony has decided this can’t wait because Peter has... done something Peter like that he has to deal with... so if you’ll accompany me to the conference room” 

“I’ll just take a cereal bar... and coffee” 

Sam turned on his heels and started walking away. I freed myself from a metal armed grasp and grabbed a cereal bar and coffee from the tray. Bucky had started to walk away but stopped in the doorway. Holding his hand out to me. I must’ve looked confused. 

“Oh... it’s a hand... you hold it” I faltered in my steps towards him, I couldn’t get my brain to catch up “... take my dam hand woman”

“Yes...” 

“Ready?” 

“No...” 

We made our way in silence to a conference room on another level, he never let go of my hand, not once. When we got inside the room the first thing that happened was Sam pulling a twenty dollar bill from his wallet and handing it to Tony. 

“You let me down Rogers, Tony said you wouldn’t be able to resist, I thought you would” 

“Sorry?” 

Once everyone was seated round a ridiculously polished table with way too many gadgets on for my liking, Tony stood back up. 

“Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to discuss... WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? Huh Steve?” 

“Let’s not get into a heated debate here Tony” 

“I’m fine...” I took a bite of my cereal bar “... I mean I don’t think I’ll repeat the experience but... I’m fine... really... I just wanna go home” 

“You don’t wanna shout at anyone?” Tony looked disappointed 

“Nah... I’m good thanks...” 

“Well that was easy, anyone want to add anything? Wilson? Barnes? Romanoff? No... good... seeing as I have a teenager who just got ARRESTED IN MEXICO... you’ll have to sign another NDA... and this is for you courtesy of SHIELD...” 

He slid a brown file across the table in my direction, I opened it and dropped my cereal bar from my other hand “What the fuck is this?” 

“Civilian compensation package... the amount depends on injuries sustained... psychological trauma that kind of thing” 

“This is half a million dollars” 

“Loss of a limb is upwards of a million... so I’ve been told anyway” 

“Where is he?... the guy...” 

“Somewhere he can never hurt you again Doll” 

“The depths of hell?” 

“Technically the depths of the ocean, but really you don’t need to know anymore than that... everyone good?” Nods all round “Meeting concluded... and if I EVER find out who gave the kid a fake ID and the GREAT idea to go to Tijuana they can pay the bills for my jet that I’m gonna have to use to go there and bring his ass back to Queens... what are you all waiting for go...” 

People disbursed from the room, back to whatever it was they were doing before they’d been... summoned. Leaving just me and Bucky. I signed the new NDA, and pocketed the cheque. I’d have to open a savings account, or it would just get spent on nonsense. Because if anyone could spend half a million dollars on internet nonsense it was me. 

“So...” 

“So... I should go home” 

“I’ll come with you” 

I sighed “I mean this in the most polite way possible... but... no... I am going to have a lot of explaining to do with Jed and a lot of making up to do with cancelled clients... and my idiotic cat... gimme a couple of days?” 

“If I have to” 

“Do me a favour?” 

“Sure” 

“I can’t take the flowers home... I can explain my outfit but... I want you to take them to the nearest hospital, to the maternity ward... ok?” 

“That I can do... I think” 

“Buck...” Steve was back in the doorway “...therapy... remember?” 

“You need to go... I’m sure this weekend has brought some stuff up you need to talk about” 

“I’ll see you in a couple of days...” he stood up, put a kiss to my forehead and started leaving the room “Hey...” 

“Yeah?” 

“Weirdo” he made finger guns at me from the doorway

“Wiener Soldier” 

I could hear his laugh bouncing down the hall way. 

———

A quick once over from Dr Cho along with a bag of medications and I was in an Uber headed back to Brooklyn. At some point, if he didn’t get bored with me, or forget me... which was a possibility, I was going to have to explain the presence of one James Buchanan Barnes in my life. I have had trysts in the past where I’ve been the one who’s been kept a secret because people didn’t want to publicly admit they were ‘with’ me, and no way was I going to do that to Bucky. It was shitty, it made me feel shitty, and I wasn’t going to do the same to him. 

I guess not having a huge group of friends it wouldn’t be hugely overwhelming, for either of us. For whatever we were, or are going to be. 

Maybe I was being presumptuous. 

To stop me over thinking the situation I took a deep breath in and called Jed. 

“Oh thank Dolly Parton’s tits...” 

“Sorry Jed... I’m in a Uber on the way back from JFK right now” 

“Is you Mom ok?” 

“She’s fine, a fender bender but she’d hit the airbag pretty hard... knocked herself out... is the store ok?” 

“Kirby Dots is fine... clients rearranged and understanding, Alpine is... well Alpine... did you at least have some fun in the city before you had to leave?” 

I thought back to Fleetwood Mac and his daisy shirt “... yeah... yeah I did” 

“Why do you sound dreamy?” 

“What? No I don’t... back to business as normal tomorrow...”

“Uh huh” 

“I gotta go...”

“Someone else you gotta call?” 

“No...” 

“Uh huh” 

“Bye Jed” 

I hung up the phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s another ‘filler’ chapter, but I’m sure anarchy, awkwardness, and a whole lot of other weirdness will occur soon enough


	11. someday I’ll appreciate in value, get off my ass and call you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s time to get physical... kind of

It was Thursday and I’d not heard a peep from Bucky, nothing. And not wanting to be clingy and being incredibly stubborn, I hadn’t made first contact. I was hoping he’d taken ‘give me a couple of days’ quite literally, and that when he... did whatever with women in the past there wasn’t a cell phone in sight, he was very much still learning about modern communication for... him... not for military reasons. 

I was trying to keep two thoughts at the back of my mind, one I was being ghosted by a literal ghost and two, he’d forgotten who I was entirely. 

I had a client, a typical Gen Z kid called Amy, the kind who’s totally over everything before it’s even started. I’d closed the door to my studio, not because she was getting tattooed somewhere... private but feeling guilty about having to reschedule her I wanted to give her my full attention without Jed coming in asking me stuff. 

Amy was laid on the bench, on her front playing an old Nintendo I had in there for clients to use while I worked. Some people used me like a therapist, some cracked jokes, some, like Amy came in and played on their phone. But these kids had huge social media followings which meant more clients for me. Not that I especially needed the money, I’d gone to the bank before I even stepped foot back in my apartment, I’d been asked oh so many questions about why a government agency had written me a cheque for half a million dollars, I’d bluffed my way out of it somehow. They said they couldn’t deposit the money until they’d spoken to someone at SHIELD. Which, fine, whatever... call the dude in the trench coat... 

I heard the store door bell ring, hopefully whatever it was Jed could deal with it. 

My studio door opened. 

“Jed?” 

“I’ll just find out if she’s available...” 

He came right into the room, closed the door behind him, went over to where I have a stack of pillows and cushions for clients to use to keep them comfortable picked up one of the larger ones put his face to it... and screamed? 

“Jed?” 

Another scream. 

“Jed?” 

Another scream. 

Amy hadn’t even looked away from the Game Boy screen. 

“Jeremy?” 

He put the pillow back, smoothed his hair down, and brushed his clothes off. 

“Savannah... I’m not entirely sure how to say this... BUT... Captain America is in reception with another guy who looks like he models for Hugo Boss” 

“You think every red head is Natasha Romanoff” 

“Yes but this guy just said... Hi I’m Steve Rogers is Savannah available” 

OH... SHIT... 

“Amy you wanna meet Captain America?” 

“I mean yeah... whatever” she’d still not looked away from the Game Boy “...sure” 

“Show them in I guess” 

Jed straightened himself up, again, plastered on a big smile and opened the door “Gentlemen... please come though...” 

“Can you make sure no one else comes in please Jed?” 

“But...” 

“Please Jed” 

He sighed “Fine...” 

“Oh you’re... busy” as soon as he spoke I knew it was a hundred percent actually Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers peering over my shoulder while I was working “...there’s... there’s blood... why... why is there blood?” 

“Because I’m repeatedly stabbing this lady’s skin with needles? What did you think happened?” 

“Not... blood... I’ll... wooooo erm... I’ll wait outside” 

Bucky, who must’ve been lurking in the doorway was now in my eye line, crouching down at the end of the bench. Amy still hadn’t looked up. 

“Hey how’s it going?” 

“Fine... whatever” 

“Amy, this is Bucky... Bucky this is Amy” 

“Hey Amy... you enjoying spending time with an actual rainbow?” 

“I mean... I guess” 

He stood up and walked round to where Steve had been stood. I was ninety percent sure I could hear Jed hyperventilating in the reception area. 

“Who is this lady and why does she put her bra on one boob at a time?” 

Amy literally scoffed “It’s Tina Belcher... from Bob’s Burgers” 

“Is that a fast food place? Like the McDonalds?”

Amy finally looked around wide eyed “Dude... what the fuck? It’s a cartoon” 

“Bucky has... been... away” 

“Oh... OH” she didn’t say anything else just turned back to her... my Game Boy and resumed playing 

“So...” 

“So...” he was sporting an incredibly wicked grin, I noted his long sleeved hoodie and black gloves disguising his metal hand “... to what do I owe the honour of this... unexpected visit?” 

“Should I not... have?” 

“I didn’t say that... I am ALWAYS pleased to see you” 

“Good... I’m here because... I’M LEARNING TO DRIVE” 

“You couldn’t anyway?” 

“My license was... expired” 

“And you drove to Brooklyn?” 

“Yeah... it’s where I first... drove... also... on the way... we went through a Drive Thru and I got a... Happy Meal... it had a toy of Steve in it... I got chicken nuggets” 

“I see... I didn’t know you had a car” 

“I don’t... I borrowed Steve’s it’s huge... and has FIVE gears AND reverse” 

“You didn’t text me” 

“YOU didn’t text ME... and I asked... someone and they said I was supposed to wait... I knew it was bullshit... sorry... but here look” 

I turned away from my work to see him holding up a learners permit, his actual date of birth wasn’t the most amusing thing, no that honour was reserved for the photo, a photo in which he was smiling broadly and giving a double thumbs up. 

“Oh my god you’re ridiculous... I didn’t think you could take... photos like... that” 

“Yeah the DMV had a special... department for people like me” 

“Buck...” 

“Just a minute Steve I’m working up to it” 

“Even Captain America gets parking tickets bud” 

“He’s always in such a rush I swear... anyway I was wondering... well, hoping you’d like to come see me... tonight? I thought we could watch a movie, I’ve got a lot of catching up to do with being... away” 

“I think I can do that” 

“Dude... I don’t how long you’ve been away but these days we call it Netflix and Chill” 

“AMY!” She just shrugged 

“The Netflix part I understand but the chill, what do we watch Netflix outside or...” 

“BUCKY” 

“Jesus Steve alright I’m on my way...” I looked back to him, away from Amy’s tattoo “I’ll see you later Doll, yeah” he hooked his fingers under my chin “Just text me when you’re on the way” he gave me a wink and smile and left the room “...laters weirdo” 

I heard the shop bell ring meaning they’d left. Jed was straight back in. He didn’t say anything just pulled up a spare stool and sat right next to me, beaming. 

“So...” 

“Nope... I signed an NDA” 

“You did what now?” 

“A non disclosure agreement dude, means she can’t say shit about it” 

“Yeah and why are you so over it little Miss Hipster?” 

“Ehhh my Dad knows Tony Stark, got him to do a fly by at my kid cousins birthday party last year... plus I live in Manhattan... I see them like, all the time” 

Jed opened his mouth to speak again but I cut him off “You live in Manhattan?” 

“Yeah Upper East” 

“And you’ve come to me for a tattoo?” 

“Brooklyn is less... pretentious... and I like your vibe” 

“Thanks... I think” 

“SO... NDA aside, you know Steve Rogers? And... are making kissy faces with the Hugo Boss model” 

“He’s not a Hugo Boss model... he’s... he WAS... a soldier and BESIDES you are always telling me to go meet... people... and... fornicate” 

“This is HUGE though... HUGE... you the person who doesn’t feel attraction...” 

I corrected him “Rarely feels attraction” 

“I mean... who knew you had such good taste” 

“OW” 

“Sorry Amy... blue is always a bitch... won’t be much longer” 

——— 

I managed to escape any more questioning from Jed for the rest of the day. And after my last client had gone I shoved him out the door and headed straight to my Jeep, and almost straight to the tower. After Bucky had mentioned a happy meal I couldn’t get it out of my head. I got a Agent Romanoff toy. I put her on the dash. 

I pulled into the parking garage, dowsed myself in body spray and made sure my lips weren’t dry... I have a tendency to lick them when I concentrate. He was waiting for me in the Penthouse. 

“I haven’t gotten changed” 

“Good...” I gave him a look of confusion “... I mean we’re not going anywhere so...” 

“Where’s Steve?” 

“Cheerleader for the Giants... come... couch...” I plopped myself down on the couch though I didn’t sit right next to him, I didn’t want to be presumptuous “...so... I’ve never seen any of these... and I thought what better way to start than with a... fan” he motioned to the TV, he’d already searched the movies out all he had to do was push play. This meant he’d finally switched from DVDs to a streaming platform. 

“How do you know I’m a fan?”

“You have the word ‘rebel’ tattooed on your arm so I asked someone what it meant, also your purse has a fictional planet on it which I’ve been told is from the movies... so Sam explained to me that the forth one is actually the first one? And that the first three aren’t very good but I have to watch them anyway?” 

“You’re... you wanna watch Star Wars with me?” 

“Yup... from the beginning... which is the forth movie... right?” 

“Right” 

“And... I got popcorn” he pulled grocery bags in to my view and spilled them out on to the table “... you used to just be able to get buttered popcorn... at the movies... and now... I mean... so many snacks... I made Steve stop at Walmart on the way home, do you have a favourite? Should I have got ice cream too? I have sodas as well...” he pulled up pick and mix twelve pack of soda cans “... why are there so many flavours of Coke? do you have a preference? I was a bit selfish and I got ones I wanted to try but I figured you’d like one of them at least and...” 

“Bucky stop” 

“What? Have I gone wrong... I... I should’ve gotten ice cream I knew it” 

“You’re ridiculous” 

“Is that a good thing?” 

“Yeah... it’s a good thing” 

He beamed at me “Awesome... why are you sitting all the way over there?” 

I don’t know how it happened. One minute he’s got his arm lazily slung round my shoulder, shovelling popcorn in his face, watching as the senate was in session being kind of freaked out by the different species then the next he’s got his tongue down my throat and I was doing nothing to stop him. 

This is ridiculous, like fully ridiculous, I’m thirty five, he’s almost a hundred and we’re making out like teenagers on someone else’s couch. 

When he put his hand up my shirt and his fingers made that first connection with my skin... I... well I shot away from him. 

“Sorry...” 

“Did I do something wrong?” 

I looked at him, his hair was ruffled from where I’d had my hands in it, his shirt was totally crumpled “No... I...” 

He pointed at me “A you thing or...” then pointed at himself “... a me thing?” 

I pointed to myself “A me thing” 

“I’m going too fast?” 

“I can’t remember the last time someone touched me... like that” 

“I wasn’t aiming for...” he waved his arm towards my chest “...you’re like a work of art... but not in a gallery, a living work of art and I want to touch... should I warn you? Like an alarm sound? Aaaaawwwwooooooo” 

“No... well maybe not like that anyway...” I grabbed the remote and paused the movie, not that it was being watched “Bucky what do you want from me?” 

He scooted closer and took my hands in his “I think I see where you’re going with this... you are not a... bottom call” 

“Booty call” 

“Yes... far from it... think of a year from now, where do you see yourself, because I see myself with you still next to me... and I’m sure I’ll drive you crazy and confuse you and we’ll fight and make up and all that other good stuff... I told you, you feel... safe... it just so happens that I think you’re beautiful too...” 

I guided his hands to around my waist, to the hem of my work tee, lifting it up slightly so his fingers could touch me again “You’re not so bad yourself” 

“I thought tattoos would be... I thought maybe they’d make your skin feel different” 

“Not if they’re done correctly” 

He shuddered slightly “Sorry... not used to... warm bodies” 

“I’ve not had sex in ten years” that came out of my mouth before I could stop it, I was blaming his fingers that were dangerously close to the top of my ass, and the grip of his metal hand was... exhilarating 

“I’ve not had sex since nineteen forty four” 

“You missed the sexual revolution” 

“Yeah?... I have a feeling like you’ll be more than an adequate tutor...” His metal hand literally dragged me across the couch so I was almost on top of him, noses touching. I wrapped my arms around him letting my own fingers touch the skin under his shirt, but instead of pushing into my touch he tensed up “... apparently I’m not used to being touched either” 

“Shall I... stop?” 

“No... please don’t...” I let my fingertips walk up his spine, at first he stayed tense but soon relaxed into my touch “... warm” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah...” I’d gotten totally lost in his eyes, in his touch... “...it might take me a while to... be able to... I mean I’m not entirely sure my dick still works” 

At that moment I didn’t care, and his use of the word dick sent my head into a spin. I kissed him again. If all we could do was this for... however long... I was perfectly fine with it. 

The apartment door slammed and I pulled hastily away from him. 

“Cheerleaders are the WORST... the worst... when did women become so... vapid?” Steve was throwing his jacket on the table and aiming for the refrigerator, where he grabbed a beer “No... that’s not true of all women... I just don’t like the...” his eyes landed on me and Bucky “... plastic tits... oh hey... guys... what’s going on?” 

We looked at each other, we were both rumpled, lips swollen, hair ruffled “Star Wars”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am HONOURED that so many of you are taking the time to read this <3   
> I’m at work all weekend, and most of next week so it might be a while before I update again... and I have to clean, my room seems to have become a nest where I write, eat and sleep


	12. this is how the mighty fall in love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so apparently I did a big fib... here’s another chapter...

FRIDAYS LOG   
Penthouse 2   
23:33

S. Rogers: Sorry Pal 

J. Barnes: Dick stop 

S. Rogers: You mean cock block, I think... and I said I was sorry, she didn’t have to go 

J. Barnes: She has work tomorrow and besides... I think it’s wise we take our time over... things 

S. Rogers: Yeah well... that’s... good... so long as you’re being... safe... taking precautions 

J. Barnes: I’m taking my meds 

S. Rogers: That’s not what I meant Buck 

J. Barnes: Do... do you mean the birds and the bees? STEVE I’m... not dumb 

S. Rogers: A lot has changed pal... in regards to... that 

J. Barnes: So I’ve heard... I’m going to bed 

S. Rogers: Night Buck... ok Tinder what have you got for me tonight? Oooo right swipe on that for sure 

———

I didn’t stay after Steve interrupted us. It got... awkward. BUT I did accept his offer of walking me to my Jeep. And I did let him push me against it, his whole weight pushing against me as he kissed me. 

I didn’t get home and get my sex toy out. This was... beyond that. I was going to wait. For him, for me, for... us. I felt as if I was walking on air, I fell asleep still feeling his fingers on my skin.

I woke up to a text from him... 

Old Man: Can I see you again soon?

Sav Rogers (Kirby Dots): OBVIOUSLY 

Then nothing for the rest of the day. I assumed that he was... doing whatever people adjacent to Steve Rogers did, or going to therapy, getting his arm calibrated. I wasn’t worried. He seemed to always turn up again, eventually. 

I was chilling in my apartment with Apline after work, half watching the TV and half flicking though Instagram when my cell started to ring, withheld number. 

“Hey this is Savannah” 

“Hey... it’s Steve... Rogers” 

My heart rate picked up, was something wrong? “‘Sup?” 

“I’m sorry to interrupt your... date but Bucky needs to take certain medications at specific times and...” 

“We’re not on a date” 

“Oh... right... sorry I don’t know what you guys are calling it but...” 

“Steve he’s not with me” 

“He’s not?” 

“No” 

“Oh... his cell is off... he’s not very good at remembering to charge it... but his tracker says he’s at the... just a second... oh Brooklyn Bean does that mean anything to you?” 

“It’s the coffee shop, couple of blocks away” 

“Huh” 

“I’ll go... see what he’s doing...” 

“If you’ve got time” 

“Look... can you... courier over his meds that he needs and some pyjamas and so on... whatever is going on I’m not sending him back to Manhattan tonight...” 

I fully expected an argument against, but not this time “He’s not got any money on him... so I don’t know why he’s in a coffee shop... no wait... dammit Buck... he’s taken my credit card” 

“Steve I don’t mean to... it’s not really my place but...” 

“I know I know he needs his own money... I’ll pack a bag for him, if he’s in any distress...” 

“I can handle it Steve... my security code is nineteen seventy nine tell your courier to leave the bag inside the door to my apartment” 

“Will you...” 

“Yes I’ll let you know” 

“Thanks” 

“Bye Steve” 

I hung up. 

I could see him as I neared the shop. He was sitting in one of the window booths. He was in his ‘I’m trying to fly under the radar but it actually makes me more obvious’ outfit. Dark everything and a baseball cap pulled down way too far to actually be able to see. He was sitting at a table in the window a coffee cup in front of him. The Bean was a nice place, old fashioned, cosy, homely. I could understand why he’d come here as opposed to chain coffee store. Maybe it had been a coffee shop when he lived here... before. 

He didn’t look up until I was sat on the chair in front of him. And even then he didn’t look at me properly. His eyes were trained on a young brunette waitress behind the counter. 

“Buck?” 

He was still looking past me, at her. I looked around at her. To study her as closely as I could. If she noticed hopefully she’d just think I was trying to get her attention so I could order. Then it dawned on me. I looked back to Bucky and then back to her. This time she saw me, grabbed her order pad and came over. 

“Hi... I was wondering if someone would be joining him, what can I get you?” 

His cup was empty, I wondered how long it had been empty “I’ll have... a mocha, almond milk, two pumps of vanilla syrup and he’ll have a cappuccino... made with full fat milk, whipped cream, sprinkles all the good stuff... oh and we’ll have a slice of banana bread to share please” 

“No problem” she made her way back to the counter after grabbing his empty cup 

“Hey you...” he gave me one of those smiles that was more like a grimace “... how did you find out?” 

“How did you find me?” 

“Steve... you need to take your meds... Bucky...” I reached my hand across to him, thankfully he mirrored my movement and held my hand “... I’ve asked him to courier them over... so you don’t have to go back... yet... are you ok?” 

“I don’t know...” 

“It’s ok Buck... have you... said anything...” 

“No... how could I?” 

“Take your hat off... it’s... you look too... obvious...” 

“She’ll see me though...” 

“Do you trust me?” 

“More than anyone” 

“Take your hat off and follow my lead” 

He did as I asked and took his hat off, placing it on the table and tried to straighten out his hair, it didn’t work. 

“Right... here we go...” she was back at our table placing our drinks in front of us along with the banana bread, my ultimate weakness “... can I get you anything else?” I shook my head and was about to... say... something, but then I didn’t need to “Sorry to bug you but... are you... Savannah? From Kirby Dots?” 

I took my eyes off him but didn’t let go of his hand. I looked up at her “Guilty as charged...” I focused on her name tag “... Becca... is that short for anything?” 

“Rebecca, after my Grandma” 

“And this is my... this is Bucky” 

“Oh my great uncle got called Bucky” 

“Well Bucky here is also named after someone... you know... I think you guys might be related, was your Grandma’s maiden name Barnes?” 

“Yeah... oh wow... that’s so cool... I wonder how...” 

I stopped her train of thought “I think... distant cousins perhaps... you know though... I mean Bucky here doesn’t know much about... your side of the family... if you had any old photos...”

“Of course! I’ve been meaning to come to your store, I’ve got a dumb tattoo I want covering up” 

“Let me guess... someone’s name?” 

“Yeah...” 

“Shouldn’t be a problem just come see me whenever you’ve got time... do you... just work here?” 

“And got to school... I’m training to be a veterinary nurse” 

“Awesome... I have a cat... she’s... super weird” 

“Most of them are... well I’ll leave you guys to your drinks, it was nice to meet you Bucky” 

“You too...” it was barely a whisper 

I waited until she was back behind the counter and out of earshot “Drink your cappuccino before it gets cold...” he took a huge slurp which left him with a foam moustache, I laughed and he looked offended before he realised and wiped it off “... start at the beginning... and try the banana bread... it’s amazing... I take it Steve doesn’t know” 

“No...” 

“Don’t talk with your mouth full” I took a sip of my own drink 

“What’s a mocha?” 

“Don’t change the subject... it’s a coffee with hot chocolate... how did you find her?” 

“Internet... on the... you know... bigger phone thing...” 

“iPad?” 

“Yup... on there... Peter is... grounded and he helped me... said I could look up people on there... and... here I am... she’s the only one I could find though...locally... her Dad is my nephew, my sister married and had one kid, her Dad... but he’s not around here anymore, don’t know why”

“Well congrats on being a... great uncle” 

“She looks... just like her...” 

“Your sister?” 

“Yeah and that bracelet she’s got on... I bought it for... Rebecca for her sweet sixteen... cost me almost a whole weeks wages when I used to work in the meat factory” 

“Bucky thats amazing” 

“What is? Apart from your smile and this... bread?” 

“You remembered” 

“Huh yeah... I guess I did... I hated it there... but it was just what you did... went to work... Steve couldn’t because... he was basically a walking... erm... the dish with the germs” 

“Petri” 

“Yes... in summer he’d wheeze because of the pollen... in winter he’d get flu which would turn to pneumonia, it wasn’t a February if he didn’t nearly die... on a weekend we’d go dancing and try to pick up girls... he wasn’t very good at it... girls or dancing... then I got drafted, that crazy bastard though he kept trying to enlist... but they wouldn’t take him, I... I never even wanted to go... you know the night before I left we went to a science fair, Tony’s Dad was there... he had... oh man he had a flying car... and then... and then... I don’t remember” 

“Doesn’t matter for now” 

“I’m not going back to the Tower tonight?” 

I looked at him over the top of my coffee cup “No... not tonight...” 

He was too quick in using Steve’s card to pay for our drinks, I had some notes in my purse so I left Becca a hefty tip. She’d need more than money to prepare herself for the fact that the Bucky she knew was also the Bucky I knew. If he ever decided to come clean. It wasn’t up to me to decide. And I wasn’t going to tell Steve either, that was on him too. 

We walked back to my apartment hand in hand. I suppose we looked like any other couple walking in the warm air of an early summer night. 

I thought he’d be... jittery but instead he was content... peaceful... swinging my hand back and forth. We took the slightly longer way home at his suggestion. After his memory had been triggered by Becca’s bracelet I guess he thought if he saw things that were familiar it would bring back more memories. If it did, he didn’t share them with me. 

Whomever Steve had sent over had left a large black duffle inside the front door, on top of it was a charger for his phone. He grabbed it and we headed upstairs. 

The first thing Bucky did was check my apartment, again... 

“I think it’s safe Buck...” 

“No I’m looking for your linen closet” 

“My WHAT?”

“Wherever you keep spare sheets... so I can make up the couch” 

“Why are you sleeping on the couch?” 

“I’m not... sleeping on the couch?” 

“No Bucky” 

“No?” 

“No... come on” I grabbed two bottles of water from the refrigerator, and headed for my bedroom, grabbing his hand on the way to lead him, there “... make yourself comfortable... I’m gonna go put my pjs on... you can plug your charger in the outlet there... Steve’s sent your meds... do you need help taking them?” 

“Nah...” 

“Ok... I’ll be right back” I kissed his cheek and darted into the bathroom. 

I cleaned my face, he was used to the make up free me now, no need to sleep in eyeliner when a guy has seen you covered in blood and still wants to make out with you. Teeth brushed and a silent pep talk to myself and I went back into my bedroom. 

He was still standing by the bed, only now he was in soft looking pj pants and matching tee.

“Your pyjamas have... dinosaurs on them?” 

“I hate to burst your fantasy bubble but I don’t go in for... flouncy nightwear... and I told you to get comfy why are you still standing there?” 

I went to stand next to him, we were stood at the foot of my bed, fingers intertwined. 

“Before... only... married couples shared a bed, and even then sometimes they had separate beds... I don’t know if I...” 

“This isn’t a sexual thing” 

“It isn’t?” 

“Oh it will be... but right now it’s a spooning thing” 

“I’ve never shared a bed with anyone before...” 

“I’m honoured, do you have a preference to which side?” 

“No... are you sure you don’t want me to take the couch?” 

“Absolutely... right... let’s do this...” I let go of his hand and pulled the comforter back before I crawled up on to the mattress, he still hadn’t moved so I patted the spot next to me “... it’s the twenty first century Buck...” 

“Right...” he padded round and plopped himself down next to me “... whoa this bed is... comfy as hell” 

“I know right? It’s called memory foam” 

“Huh” 

“Im going to cuddle up to you... if you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed tell me, I won’t be offended” 

I grabbed the comforter and pulled it over us before basically slinging my body over his, he wrapped his arm around me and I laid my head on his shoulder... it felt... amazing. My heart was all birds singing and all that other gooey nauseating stuff but I didn’t care. I let my hand stroke up and down his torso. He kissed the top of my head. Oh Lord. I’m gonna fall in love with this man, I am gonna fall in love with a hundred year old assassin with a metal arm and faulty memory. And for the life of me I can’t think of anyone I’d rather fall in love with. 

“This is... I can’t think of a word to describe it...” 

“Nice?” 

“No it’s beyond nice... it’s... wonderful” 

“Alexa... lights off...” the lights went out, only the soft glow of the street lights from outside lit the room “...try and get some sleep...” 

“I happen to like your pyjamas” 

“Do you have a favourite dinosaur?” 

“No am I supposed to?” 

“I wonder if you did and you don’t remember” 

“Regan wants to do some regression therapy” 

“Oh like hypnosis” 

“Yeah... but what if I remember stuff I don’t want to... things I... did... when I was... the other guy” 

I squeezed him a bit tighter “Whatever happens I’ll never think any less of you” 

“I don’t deserve you... the things... the things I did” 

“Wasn’t you... you’re James Buchanan Barnes... that other guy... he wasn’t Bucky and from where I’m laying, Bucky is pretty awesome” 

“Sometimes I feel like this is a dream, and I’ll wake up in the... chair again and you’ll be gone... sorry this is my night time... thing... to over think... it’s why the...” he yawned and smacked his lips “... sleeping pills...” 

I didn’t reply, I listened closely to his breathing getting deeper, light snores coming from him moments later, his grip on me loosening slightly, but I didn’t move away from him. I watched him sleep until I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. 

I woke up and the bed was shaking... earthquake? Earthquake... EARTHQUAKE. I opened my eyes and I was facing the window, only the glass wasn’t rattling. The only thing shaking was the bed. And then I heard the screams, the yelling in another language, Russian I think. I turned over to see he’d stripped his tshirt off and thrown the covers away, he was thrashing, his metal arm was... it looked like it had been partially disabled, it wasn’t fully moving. 

I could see without touching him that he was drenched in sweat. 

Do you wake people up from a nightmare? Or is it like sleep walking and you just guide them back to bed... 

“Bucky...” I reached out to touch him and he was freezing “... Bucky it’s a nightmare...” I touched his shoulder and he sat bolt upright, chest heaving “Bucky?” I went to touch him again but he span round and grabbed my hand, hard. His eye were wide, filled with terror “... it’s me” 

“Rainbow girl?” He let go of my hand 

I sighed in relief “Yeah... just stay there ok?” I dashed out of the bed to the bathroom and grabbed a towel, when I came back I crawled on the bed so I was behind him, I wrapped the towel and my arms around him, holding him tight “... it’s ok...” 

“S’warm” 

“Fluffy warm towels are the best... do you need me to call Steve?” 

“No...” 

“Is there a medication you need to take?” 

“No... I’ll go...” 

“You’re not going anywhere... just...” I sat so my back was against the wall, and pulled him back with me, my whole body wrapped around his from behind “... you’re safe...” His arms came up to hold mine “... do you need anything?” 

“Everything I need is right here Savannah... it’s right here”

———

I waited till he fell back to sleep. Then I was going to move. WAS going to move. When you’ve got a two hundred pound super soldier with a metal arm asleep on top of you moving isn’t something you can do. 

I accepted my fate. I’d just stay awake to make sure he stayed comfortable. 

BUT I must’ve fallen asleep, and managed to move because I woke up on my side with him spooned up behind me. Bucky Barnes is the big spoon. I knew it. Something was prodding me. Something... hard. Metal arm? No the metal arm was under a pillow and the pillow was under my head. Oh... dick... no wait... yup, one hundred percent I was being prodded by a very hard dick. 

Several thoughts flitted through my head. 

One, well I’m not going to work today, I’m staying in bed with the hard dick and the man it was attached to. 

Two, how does one go about this? Wake him up like ‘hey you’re dick is hard can I help you with that?’ 

And three, most disappointingly, I have to go to work. 

I freed myself from his grasp, expecting him to stir but instead he turned on his back and then didn’t move anymore. In fact it wasn’t until I was half way through putting my make up on, while sitting on the bed next to him that he eventually stirred. I’d showered, eaten, and gotten dressed before I sat down to do that. And before I’d started with my make up routine I’d held the mirror to his face... just to make sure he was still breathing. 

“Hey...” 

“Whoa... I... what time is it?” 

“A little after nine” 

“I... slept... so... much” he swung himself out of bed and headed to the bathroom, I didn’t watch him go, I was concentrating on my eyeliner “... HA” 

“Bucky?” 

“MY DICK IS HARD... oh man... I missed you... I thought you wouldn’t again after...” He came back out of the bathroom, beaming “My dick works” 

“Congratulations?” 

He sank back down on the bed behind me, resting his chin on my shoulder “You have to work don’t you?” 

“I do... sorry” 

“And there’s nothing I can do to persuade you otherwise?” 

“Nope” I could see his face in my mirror, he was mock pouting “... but next time we have a... sleepover... it is definitely going to be less slumber party more... naked sex party” 

“I’ll look forward to it...” he scrambled away from me to check his cell phone “... it sounds like home... this thing says Steve has called me twenty seven times” 

“Huh?” 

“The tower, when I wake up there it’s because it’s so noisy and... weird... here... the sounds outside just sound... like home... over seventy years later and Brooklyn still sounds the same... just... gimme a minute and I’ll be out of your hair” 

“Don’t rush... there’s coffee in the pot and if you look in the cupboards there should be something edible” 

“I’ll come see you at work before I go...” 

“No can do... I need to be in my studio... door locked” 

“In that case...” he grabbed hold of me, luckily I was just putting my brushes back in my bag, and dragged me back on to the bed, wrapping himself around me “... thank you... for... everything” 

“You are very welcome... you’ll need to lock the door the code is...” 

“Nineteen seventy nine” 

“How did you...”

“Covert operative remember?” 

We’d turned into a tangle of limbs and I wasn’t doing anything to escape his clutches “Explain...” 

“Oh... well your birth year is nineteen eighty five which you would think was too obvious, along with one two three four... you’re hugely influenced by popular culture... the poster on your bathroom wall, the album art, that album has a song called nineteen seventy nine on it, I know this because I listened to it...” 

“Smart... I’ve... ugh I’ve really go to go” I dragged myself out of his arms and got off the bed, he was laid on his side watching me as I put my sneakers on “Call Steve... and don’t forget your meds” I bent over him and kissed his cheek, leaving behind a red lipstick mark “... and next time... naked... sex... party” 

“Have a good day weirdo” 

I was at the door “Laters Weiner Soldier” 

I practically bounced down the stairs. Then stopped halfway between my front door and the store door. Oh god... I am gonna... I am gonna... I am gonna have to wax my whole body and buy underwear that looks... good. Because I am gonna have sex. Yes I am.


	13. I am a collapsing star with tunnel vision but only for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in the words of Marvin Gaye “Let’s get it on...”

I am avoiding Bucky... well that’s not strictly true, not ALL of me is avoiding Bucky. But my vagina is one hundred percent avoiding Bucky. After the ‘naked sex party’ conversation I’d literally booked myself a wax... immediately. Like as in, when my full day tattoo session needed a break I called the spa and they said they could offer me an appointment for that day after work. 

While I was being waxed the girl commented that it was ‘bikini season’ and I was lucky to get an appointment. I didn’t tell her it wasn’t for a bikini but a hundred year old technically dead man with a metal arm and my first sexual adventures in a decade instead I just nodded. 

I picked up new underwear too. Panties without stains that were half the material of my usual go to style and bras that weren’t sports bras (they’re just easier when you’re leaning over someone drawing on them). THEN I went home and sat on an ice pack, and cried, and apologised to my now bald apart from a ‘landing strip’ lady garden. 

Luckily for me, he’d not noticed my partial avoidance.

He was up to... something. 

I knew he would be back though, he’d left his pyjamas (and I had IN NO WAY been sleeping with them under my pillow), and spare meds, so Steve wouldn’t interrupt potential naked sex parties. 

He was also getting... better at texting. Meaning I didn’t worry so much about him

But I was starting to worry about myself, my Google searches were becoming increasingly full of self doubt such as: 

‘sexual positions when you’re bigger than your partner’ (not that Cosmo could offer me any tips on the fact that yes I was bigger than him but he had a metal arm so perhaps that counter balances it?) 

‘how to appear sexually confident when you’re not’ 

‘what was sex like during the nineteen forties?’

I’d also watched a fair bit of porn... just to refresh my memory. Apparently it was still the same, penis in vagina. That I could do... I think.

In the end I’d decided to stop over thinking it, when it came down to it I’d put on some Marvin Gaye and take my clothes off... if he wanted me to. It was all about self confidence. But what about my stretch marks? My wobbly parts? My... scars. The tattoos I’d gotten when I was bored, the tattoos I’d done on myself... when I was bored. 

If I thought on it anymore I’d talk myself out of it. I’d just lock myself in the bathroom, tell him to go have sex with someone else. But... I really... truly... WANTED to have sex with him. Maybe a couple of drinks would help? No... don’t get drunk, wine makes you sleepy, beer makes you bloated and liquor makes you vomit. Stay sober. 

It had been almost a week since I last saw him, as in physically. I didn’t want to ask if he wanted to come hang out all the time because he more than likely had stuff to do. Avenging type stuff. Therapy, he definitely had therapy. If it had been a hard session he’d kind of... shut down for a few hours. It wasn’t destructive or depressive. It was just a ‘I need to sit quietly for a while because I’m exhausted’ few hours. 

The last time we’d FaceTimed he’d been absolutely filthy, not sexually, but literally. Grubby. It had for some reason really cranked my chain, sexually. I was fast gaining a list of Bucky fetishes, the goddam stupid wonky soldier hat, a grubby face and hands, his stubble when it was just so long that had a few greys in it... 

I was lounging on my couch with Alpine. I’d showered, there’d been an ink spill but my hands were still stained pink. I needed to go to the store as I had half a jar of olives in the cupboard and basically nothing in the refrigerator so I’d gotten dressed, in clothes that weren’t work clothes or lazy pants or pyjamas but once I’d sat down I’d kind of doomed myself into procrastination as opposed to grocery buying action. 

I heard an engine. Not a modern engine. A engine that belonged to something old. Before they were more electrical than mechanical. It was coming from the alleyway behind my building, the alleyway I’d found Bucky in. It was so loud the window was shaking. Alpine took offence and got off the couch and vanished from sight. Probably to somewhere quiet. Curiosity got the better of me and I went to stick my head out of the window to see if I could see what all the noise was about. I was basically hanging out of the window, I didn’t want to climb out on the fire escape so I was leaning right out of the window next to that one. 

And there he was. On a... motorbike... a very old motorbike. 

“Do you think you could make any more noise?” He’d heard me because he revved the bike and I swear I heard something fall off a shelf somewhere in my apartment “... hey Bucky” 

“Hey Sav...” I’d not watched him climb the fire escape before but it was totally ridiculous, it was like sexy parkour, a leap from the concrete to grip the bottom of the ladder... then he swung himself like a gymnast until he reached the platform outside my kitchen window, he opened it and climbed in “... you like it?” 

“It’s very... loud? And don’t think I didn’t notice you’re weren’t wearing a helmet” 

“Super soldier remember” 

“Errr I don’t think that means you’ve got a non breakable skull... IN FACT... I’m pretty sure you had your head cut open not all that long ago and...” He grabbed my arm and pulled me into him, into his body and on to his lips “... what was I saying?” 

“Exactly...” 

“Where did you get it?” 

“Long story... but short version... Steve” 

I was still in his arms. This was it. I’m gonna... “So... you are here to...” 

“See you, show you my bike... do I need a... reason?” 

“No... just wondering how long you were planning on hanging around” 

“Oh... do you have... work or... something?” 

“No... so...” 

He raised his eyebrows “So...” 

“I was thinking...” 

“Yeah” his face was getting closer to mine again, his tongue ran across his bottom lip “...what were you thinking?” 

“Naked sex party?” 

“You read my mind” he kissed me again, only this time he wrapped his metal arm around my waist and literally lifted me from my feet “Bedroom?” 

“Bedroom” I led the way, holding his hand I pushed him down so he was sat on the end of the bed “... boots off...” while he was removing his boots I drew the curtains and plugged in my string lights that ran all around the room, hopefully the soft glow would detract from my pale flesh “... so... erm... we maybe should’ve had this conversation earlier but no condoms... I’m allergic... to latex, but... I erm... have an implant in my arm.. so it’s... safe and I don’t have any diseases, I mean I’d have to have had sex to have them... which I have... before...” 

“We don’t have to do this...” 

“Don’t you want to?” 

“I really do...” 

“If you feel... not ok with it... you tell me and we’ll stop, if I do something that triggers you... tell me and we’ll stop... or if you just WANT to stop...” 

“We’ll stop...” he took my hand in his and ran his thumb across the back of my knuckles “... I trust you...” 

I bent down to kiss him, gently, so I could look him in the eye “I’m going to take my clothes off now” 

He let go of my hand so I could stand back up and away from him slightly. Ok deep breath... this is it. Confidence is sexy. Confidence is sexy. Confidence is sexy... Shit the music... nope... forget that. If I take my brain away from this I might wimp out. 

I took my tshirt off first, pulled it over my head and threw it behind me. I didn’t look at him. I was too scared he didn’t like what he saw. So looking down I popped the button and pulled down the zip on my jeans and shuffled out of them, eventually kicking them off to one side. 

Then I looked at him. 

“I... I... I...” he reached his hand out to me, but stalled before his fingertips met my flesh “... I don’t know where to begin?” I went to say something in reply but he kept going “... firstly THIS IS...” he motioned his hand up and down my body “...superb? Your breasts are... hooo boy” he used his metal hand to rub over his mouth “... underwear did NOT used to look like... that... it was a lot more... well there was a lot more of it...” he was back on his feet... he looked round me... “I can... I can see your ass... you have... you have tattoos on your ass?... I don’t know if I’m worthy of all... this... the colours... you’re so... I mean it’s... beautiful” 

“Bucky?” 

“Yeah...” 

“Kiss me...” 

“Yes ma’am” 

At first his hands were gently around my waist, then I moved them to my ass, praying he’d use his metal hand gently and I wouldn’t bruise badly and not be able to sit down. I wanted... no needed to feel some of his flesh against mine. He was still in the leather jacket that he’d rode over in and the zip was scratching me. 

“I’m gonna... I mean can I... take this off?” 

“Yes... please do that” 

The jacket was shrugged off and discarded on to the floor. 

My fingers were at the hem of his tshirt “And this?” He nodded. 

Once the tshirt was on the floor I let my hands wander the expanse of his chest. I placed butterfly kisses along his collarbone. When I kissed his neck he moaned for the first time and it was like a heavenly symphony. He grabbed the back of my neck and kissed me again, roughly, passionately, as if it were a spark about to burst into flames. 

“Let’s get under the covers? Can you use... that thing to turn the lights out?” 

‘“Why?” 

“Because... sex?” 

“No Bucky... because twenty first century remember?” 

This seemed to ignite something in him and where it had been me leading the way now it was him, his hands were all over me, stroking, grabbing... lingering. When he tentatively reached my breasts, that’s when I moaned. As his head dipped, kissing his way down the centre of my chest I reached behind me and I unhooked my bra he pulled it away from my body and hurled it out of the way before he started kissing me again... a little further down... he’d almost reached them... when he shot up, slightly startled. 

“Are you ok? Do you need to stop?” 

“You have bars through your... nipples?” 

“You can touch them... it’s not painful...” 

“You’re amazing... and I’m sorry but...” he picked me up, literally lifted me right off my feet and hurled me on to the bed so I was on my back “... had to be done” 

He was crawling up me. Kissing me as he went, he even kissed my knees. Who knew having your knees kissed was a turn on? When he let his tongue swirl round each of my nipples like they were a lollipop, my back involuntary arched away from the bed. 

Eventually we were nose to nose again, his whole body was pushing into me, pushing me in the mattress and that’s when I realised his dick was hard. It was very very hard. And pushing right into my thigh. 

“Take your dam pants off” 

He rolled off me with gusto, and unzipped his pants, wriggling his hips until he was out of them and they got tossed into the void leaving us both in just our underwear. I wanted to... I have no idea... my mind has gone blank. All the scenarios I’ve thought of since that first day I saw him as Bucky have gone from my mind. Thighs, good Lord those thighs... 

“You ok?” 

“I feel like a virgin on prom night” 

I turned on my side so I was facing him, meaning my boobs went with me, please don’t go because of my stupid boobs Bucky. I was forcibly dragged again across the bed. I slung my leg over him. He kissed me again, and I couldn’t keep my hands still, I just needed to... touch him everywhere... right I can’t over think this... I am gonna touch his dick. Should I ask him first? What if it triggers... nope... shut that thought down and just go for it. 

I put my hand between us. I let me fingers walk down his chest. I traced my index finger along the waistband of his boxer briefs. He shuddered... but it wasn’t a bad shudder, he moved his head and rested it on my shoulder, kissing my neck. I pushed my hand down. Now going back now. 

The second I got my hand around the soft skin of his hard, large dick, he moaned so loudly I think all of Brooklyn might’ve heard him. 

He mirrored my actions, slipping his flesh hand into my panties. 

“Oh... oh... OH” 

“Bucky?” 

I still had my hand around his dick, we were nose to nose and his eyes had gone VERY WIDE. 

“No...” his fingers were pushing further down... sliding between my folds, I hadn’t realised quite how wet I was until he’d touched me “... no... hair and...” his fingers pushed on my clit and I moaned so loud you could probably hear it in Manhattan “... is that metal?” 

“Yup” His fingers slid again, just teasing the entrance... I was bucking against him, my hips having a mind of their own. I needed him. I have reached the point of need. I was so turned on it was crazy. I don’t think I’d ever, EVER wanted someone so bad in my entire sexual history “Bucky?” 

“Mmm?” 

“Will you fuck me?” 

“Oh god yes...” 

Hands moved he pushed me on to my back. I went to take my panties off but he did that for me, then shuffled out of his own briefs. I had a moment of sheer panic, like god Lord I don’t think that is gonna fit. 

I let my legs fall open. He was hovering over me, resting on his hands. 

He kissed me again and I felt the need get even stronger. 

I hooked my right leg around his waist drawing him closer. 

I needed him inside me. 

I reached down and guided his dick towards my core. 

He pushed his hips forward, so slowly, so gently, so carefully. 

I put my arms up and around his back, he thrust forward, the stretch was... incredible. He knocked the breath out of my lungs. For a moment neither of us moved. We laid there joined sharing kisses and happy sighs, then slowly we started to move, in the most perfect blissful rhythm. 

My whole body was wrapped around his, my legs tight round his waist, he was holding my hands where I’d put them up near my head. 

I was grinding up to meet his thrusts. His pelvic bone was causing the lost delicious friction against my clit. Our bodies gliding together. 

His moans were deep, wild, breathless. 

My whole body was tensing, a heat sitting low, pooling in my belly. My legs were trembling around him. 

He’d not once looked away, not over my head, not at the wall. He’d only looked at me. 

“Bucky I...” 

He kissed me and I broke beneath him, an orgasm screaming out of me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I was so blissed out I hadn’t realised his thrusts had gotten deeper, harder, erratic... 

I wound my fingers in to his hair, and ever so gently pulled... 

The sound he made as he spilled into me was a sound I would never forget as long as I lived. 

He rolled off me and we laid side by side, our breathing heavy in the air. 

“You... good?” 

“I... wooo...” he took my hand and put a kiss to the back of it “... you’re amazing” 

“High five” 

“What?” 

I held my hand in the air over our bodies “High five” He laughed, hard and slapped my palm with his own “... good... good game Barnes” 

“Well played Rogers” 

“You don’t have to go back to the tower do you?” 

“Not if you don’t want me to?” 

“How about...” I turned on my side to look at him, he looked... amazing “We order some pizza... eat and then do that again?”

“So what you’re suggesting is... we eat pizza and have sex?” 

“Yes...”

“Can I get a... closer view of that... piece of metal between your legs?” 

“After pizza...” 

“No anchovies?” 

“Oh god no...”


	14. I wonder if your therapist knows everything about me

“So...” 

“So...” 

We were hanging out my kitchen window smoking. I was in my bath robe and he’d put his jeans back on but nothing else, which was in no way at all distracting. 

“Tell me about the bike?” 

“Oh...” he flicked his cig butt out the window and turned back towards the kitchen “... it’s mine” 

“I gathered that” 

“No I mean it was mine before... so I ‘died’ first right? Then when Steve ‘died’ Howard, Tony’s Dad decided that our erm... things should become artefacts which eventually went on display at the Smithsonian... when Steve came out of the ice he wanted it taken down but left it, then when he found me he left it hoping I’d go and it would trigger memories... and now it is all taken down... and mine again” 

“So you’re telling me that bike is from the forties?” 

“Yes...” he’d started searching the cupboards again, I couldn’t decide if this was a Bucky thing or a soldier thing “... Stark bet me a hundred bucks I wouldn’t get it running again... he lost... why do you not have any food? Is this the depression? Again?” 

“THE depression or MY depression?” 

“Both?” 

“Because I was going to get food... but naked sex party... plus... I don’t eat lunch here I get takeout, breakfast is whatever I can find... same with dinner... don’t open that cupboard...” 

Too late, he’d swung open the door of the cupboard of heartbreak “What the fuck?” 

“That’s the cupboard of heartbreak” 

“So... you have no food... but you do have... let’s see... bourbon... beer... a carton of smokes... A LOT of chocolate and... is this... pot?” 

“Yup” 

“Explain” 

“It’s my cupboard of numbing agents for when I get sad?” 

“Have I ever made you sad?” 

“No Bucky...” 

I was still leant against the half open window even though I’d long discarded my tab end. He came over to me, used his knee to slightly part my legs so he could stand between them. He used a metal finger and thumb to fiddle with my necklace. 

“I’ll try to never make you sad...” 

He looked so sincere, so earnest, he hadn’t made a promise to never make me sad, he’d said he’d try not to. Which to me, from a guy with a broken brain was even better. A plan formulated in my mind, the pizza would be a... while. 

“Ever had your dick sucked?” 

His eyes went wide “That sounds obscene” 

“I’ll take that as a no... guess oral sex wasn’t popular in the forties” 

“I mean you could pay for it... I think” 

“Bucky?”

“Yeah?” 

“I’m gonna suck your dick now... ok?” 

“Let’s do that... I mean yes... please?”

———

By the time we fell asleep, sex sore (dick sucking led to on the couch fucking), full of pizza and pretty blissed out it was LATE... well more like early... no night terrors this time, just light snores and A LOT of spooning, every time I tried to move away from him in my sleep he dragged me back. 

I was glad he’d slept in his pj bottoms because if I’d woken up to a NAKED hard dick in my thigh I would’ve been very very very late for work. 

I once again dragged myself away from his sleeping form, a sleeping form that was still snoring by the time I was walking out the door. He’d be ok, I’d left him a note. 

It was practically lunch time by the time he rolled into the store. I was just finishing up a wrist Infinity loop, kinda lame but that’s what she wanted. 

“Sav... the Hugo Boss model is here...” 

“He has a name... Bucky you can come in... oh you don’t mind if my... erm... Bucky comes in do you?” She shook her head, she looked as if she was in a bit of pain, first tattoos are always the worst “... hey....” 

“Hey...” he was looking down examining my work, his hair was damp, he must’ve showered and now I’m sad I came to work and didn’t shower with him “... cool... loop?” 

“It’s an infinity loop... hi I’m Jeni...” she was practically drooling, batting her lashes, she’d sat up slightly straighter as well. 

“I’m Bucky...” 

“Do you really model for Hugo Boss?” She was literally sticking her boobs towards him 

“No... I’m a... I’m... retired” 

“Oh... so you’re like... rich?” Her eyes were wide

“I guess?” 

“Where do you go out? Maybe I’ll... run into you...” 

“I don’t really go... out” 

“I can give you my snap?” 

“I don’t know what that is... are you nearly finished? maybe we could...” 

“I’d love to...” 

“Sorry?” 

“Whatever you’d like to do, I’m down... we’re nearly finished here right?” 

He was doing that Bucky thing of looking in all the cupboards and drawers. 

“Oh... I don’t mean YOU... Doll you gonna be much longer? The cupboards upstairs are truly empty, as is the refrigerator...” 

“I’ll have to go after work, I’m fully booked today” 

“WAIT... you’re with... her?” I was wiping down her fresh tattoo 

“Of course I’m with her... I’m very much... with her... why wouldn’t I be with her?”

Before she could retort, and with my blood boiling... well maybe not boiling but definitely simmering slightly “Jed? Can you cash Jeni out please? And give her after care instructions?” 

He stuck his head in the door, looking slightly confused at first but then read my expression “Of course... Jeni... come through with me”

Without a glance back, or a thank you Jeni was gone and Jed pulled the door closed behind her. 

“She was... forward” 

“Huh?” 

“Bucky you realise she was hitting on you right?” 

I was stripping my gloves off and cleaning up, he was examining every inch of my studio. Still.

“Why did she want to snap me? Is that a sexual thing? Do you want to snap me?” 

“It’s an app, you send photos on it, people use it to send nudes mostly” 

“Well then I would like you to snap me... very much... her, not so much” he’d sat on my tattoo bench, patting the space next to him for me to sit down, which I did “... I have to go to therapy later... so that’s why I was hoping to have lunch with you...” 

“I’m sorry...” 

“Not a problem... as I’ve got some time... how about I go to the store for you?” 

“You don’t have to do that?” 

“I want to... plus... don’t laugh... but Regan she wants me to do totally normal twenty first century things and then tell her how it makes me... feel... living at the tower I don’t really have a need to go buy groceries so... and I found your grocery list on the coffee table” 

“If you’re sure...” 

“I’m sure...” 

“I’ll give you my card” 

He kissed me and hopped off the bench “No need...” 

“Have you stolen Steve’s card again?” 

“Nope got my own... laters weirdo” 

He was out of sight but not out of the store “Bucky? When did you last go to a grocery store without supervision?”

“It’s classified” 

The store bell had barely stopped ringing before Jed was standing in my doorway “PLEASE tell me you are tapping that” 

I didn’t need to see Jed’s face to know he rolled his eyes when I gave my answer “It’s classified” 

——— 

I half expected Bucky to still be in my apartment as I’d not heard the thunderous roar of his ludicrous bike exit the alleyway. 

Instead after I’d packed up and headed upstairs I wasn’t greeted by a Bucky but instead I was greeted by absolute chaos. 

There was a note on the kitchen counter. 

‘Weirdo

I followed your list, your list was boring. 

I tried to get Tampons but you’d not specified which flavour, orange or lemon and lime? 

I got stuff I know you like and stuff I thought you’d like and stuff I like. AND random stuff. 

PLEASE can I see you again soon? 

Always. J.B.B’ 

There were groceries on every available surface. I thought maybe he’d dumped them there after not having time to put them away but the cupboards were full, literally ‘only just get the doors closed’ full. It was like a child with a unlimited allowance had gone grocery shopping. Cereals in brightly coloured boxes, pop tarts, candy... so much candy, chips, multiple flavours of noodles, pretzels, half the refrigerator was JUST soda. There were meal kits for all kinds of foods that I figured he’d not tried like burritos, different jars of sauces - curry, Italian, barbecue. At least he’d got bread, I mean he’d bought five different kinds of bread but still... 

Alpine jumped up on the table, she was wearing a very snazzy looking silver and red neckerchief that she hadn’t been this morning. 

“Did he do that to you?” She purred and tapped my leg “Do you like it?” A small meow in reply “Ok then” 

My bathroom was now home to bottles of male products. Once again with the theme of ‘winter’ running strong. 

My bed though... he’d made it, not as neat as Steve’s had been but it didn’t look like an alligator had lost a wrestling match any more. On the pillows was a giant packet of Skittles. I could only assume he’d been tickled by the ‘taste the rainbow’ slogan and next to the skittles was a Toy Story alien plushie, clearly he’d paid more attention to my ass tattoos than I had thought. 

“He’s completely ridiculous” 

I flopped down on my bed. His scent was still lingering. 

I was thinking maybe I could just have skittles for dinner, surely they qualify as at least one of my five a day as they’re vaguely based on fruit, right? When my cell rang out. Withheld number. 

“This is Savannah...” 

“Ahhh other Rogers how’s it going?” 

I sat bolt upright “Tony? What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing is wrong, well apart from people wanting to hang out in Brooklyn I mean... BROOKLYN... I spend MILLIONS on this building and everyone wants to go to Brooklyn... ANYWAY... you’ve not confirmed receipt of my emails” 

“I didn’t know you’d sent me emails... hang on...” I checked my inbox, nothing, checked the junk folder and there they were “Gottem” 

“I was in junk mail wasn’t I? ME Tony Stark got sent to junk like common spam... I’ll save you reading them... it’s required you come for... therapy... after the whole... ordeal” 

“Oh well I’m fine... honestly” 

“Uh huh and I’m sure you are... but still it’s a tick in a box blah blah blah” 

“And why are YOU chasing up on it?” 

“I know right? But I’m leader of this rag tag band of... people... and if you sue for emotional damage it’s out of my pocket... so come in tomorrow around one, it won’t take long you’ll soon be back in Brooklyn... ok... good” 

He hung up.

———

I hate therapy. 

This is why by the time I roll into the parking garage at the tower I’m basically dry heaving, my stomach in knots. The only reason that I’m here and haven’t just totally refused is because I’m sincerely hoping that there’s a Bucky somewhere in this building. 

I’d prayed my full morning booking would have taken my mind of it, which it did, until they walked out the door after I’d done and I had an anxiety attack. And it wasn’t as if I could tell Jed about it. Oh hey Jed I’m super anxious not because I was abducted and shot by a extremist military operation but because now I have to have therapy about it. 

FRIDAY informed me where to go as I swiped in. A floor I’d not been to before. 

It looked like any other therapist’s office. Couches, stacks of magazines, most of which had Tony Stark’s face on the covers, fake plants... 

I perched on the edge of one of the couches, I was the only one there. My whole body was screaming RUN. Run away. It was taking all my will to stay. I felt as if I was gonna pass out. 

“Savannah Rogers? You can come in now” 

He was perfectly... ordinary. Middle aged, semi smartly dressed, greying hair at the temples. I followed him into a room, totally empty bar two leather armchairs that faced each other. The room was bathed in natural light. And the perfect temperature. 

“Are you looking for something?” 

“Two way mirror” the walls were blank. 

“I assure you Savannah this room is totally private, please... take a seat” Once again I perched “... are you not staying?” 

“I’d rather not be here at all... and I don’t mean to be rude... but can you... get on with it?” 

“My name is Hewie... I’m one of the psychiatrists that works with SHIELD, primarily with civilians... are you having an anxiety attack?” 

“No I’m just... busy” 

He rubbed his chin “Yet you’re sitting so it’s easier for you to get up swiftly and I bet you’ve counted the number of doors between you and the exit... plus you’re still clutching your purse... and are they your... car keys? Just... relax... take some deep breaths... there is nothing nor no one here to hurt you...” he rested his hand on my shoulder “... you are safe here Savannah” letting go of my shoulder he moved away and sat in the chair opposite 

“No... note pad?” 

“Our conversation will be recorded from which I will take notes, but no one will be privy to it, only you and I... shall we begin?” I nodded “... how have you been since your abduction? And please be honest” 

“Fine... I mean really fine, honestly” 

“No nightmares? No triggers? Loud bangs, dark places and so on?”

“No...” 

“You’ve just gone back to work as if nothing happened?” 

“Pretty much, I mean I can’t tell anyone what happened” 

“I’m concerned you’ve internalised the event... that at some point whether it be next week or in ten years it’s going to spill over” 

“I doubt it...” 

“Can we talk about your relationship with Sargent Barnes? Do you feel it is going well?” 

“I don’t know if it is a relationship... I’m not... good at those...” 

“I see... Savannah please tell me about your previous relationships, your romantic relationships...” 

“Why?” 

“Savannah” he put his hands up slightly “... it’s ok... I’m not here to hurt you in any way... we have plenty of time... it would help me get to know your mental health” 

“I know I’m crazy” 

“No... I don’t believe you are... please... when you’re ready” 

I was just going to give him the shortened version, mainly so I could get out of there quicker but once I started talking about it I couldn’t stop. All this shit just pouring from me. All the things people had done to me while claiming they loved me. Heartache, anxiety, depression, self harm, slight drug addiction. He sat very still while I actually sat back in the chair but my arms wouldn’t stay still, I was pointing and waving. I got angry, then sad, then angry... again. He nodded but didn’t respond verbally until I finished. 

“... and that’s it... told you I was crazy” 

“I assure you that you are not... you struggle with depression, yes, but so do many people, the reason you THINK you are crazy is because that’s what other people have led you to believe, when in actual fact you responded to the situations you’ve been subjected to incredibly rationally...” 

“So why don’t I feel... anything about what happened? With... HYDRA?” 

“Because being abducted and shot caused you less emotional and physical anguish than the other things that you have been through...” 

“Oh...” 

“Hmmm so you’re not crazy... and I don’t believe you’re in any danger of experiencing severe PTSD or any kind of breakdown... BUT...”

“Of course there’s a but...” 

“I would like you to come and see me... once a month...” 

“Why?” 

“Savannah when you told me what you’ve experienced emotionally it was almost like you were making light of it... those events were truly terrible... and I’d like to help you ‘unpack’ it all... it could help lessen your anxiety attacks... and it could just generally make you feel a bit lighter in your metal state” 

“Ok...” 

“Good... you’re free to go... I will email you a list of dates and times for you to chose the one most convenient to your schedule” 

“Are you named after a helicopter?” 

“HA... NO... Hewie Lewis and The News... enjoy your afternoon Savannah” 

I was searching for my keys in my purse when I pulled the door closed. I didn’t notice him coming out of the room opposite. 

“Weirdo?” 

“Wiener Solider?” 

Before I could say anything else he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back into the room he’d just come out of. 

“James is there a problem?” 

“Regan this is Savannah” he kind of pushed me out in front of him and used his hands to motion up and down my body. She was the other version of standard therapist, the hippy, flowing shawl, loose cotton dress, Stevie Nicks hair circa nineteen seventy five, glasses on a beaded string around her neck

“Of course it is... Savannah it’s a pleasure...” she held out her hand for me to shake “... it really is... you’re so supportive of James... it’s wonderful...” 

“Thank you?” 

“No thank you...” she let go of my hand “... James homework remember?” 

“Yup...” 

I was dragged from the room and pulled towards the elevator. As the elevator doors closed behind us he shoved me into the wall and shoved his tongue down my throat. And I loved it. 

“Hi...” 

“Hi...” he hadn’t stepped back, I was still pinned against the wall, his hands above my shoulders 

“I missed you...” he kissed me again 

“The elevator is going up?” 

“Yes?” 

“I was going to my car” 

“Yeah about that... Savannah Rogers... would you do me the honour of getting naked in my bed and showing me that... backwards cowboy?” 

“Reverse cowgirl and yes... yes I will” 

He kissed me again “You’re amazing” 

“You’re not so bad yourself” 

Therapy: awful. 

James Buchanan Barnes: awesome.


	15. it’s not a side effect of the cocaine, I am thinking it must be love

FRIDAYS LOG   
Penthouse Two   
08:36

S. Rogers: Buck... are you... ok?

J.Barnes: yeah why? 

S.Rogers: you’re watching... that... before breakfast... why are you watching that? 

J. Barnes: oh well... I googled twenty first century sex and... erm... yeah

S. Rogers: is everything... ok... with you and Savannah? 

J. Barnes: everything is awesome, except... she knows all this stuff... did you know now people have sex with the lights ON and not just in beds? 

S. Rogers: yeah I did... let’s turn off... that shall we... much better 

J. Barnes: I just... I just thought maybe I’d pick up... something... but this is... why do all the women keep shouting Daddy and making sounds like... that? 

S. Rogers: because it’s porn Buck it’s not... real... also why Sluts in Space? 

J. Barnes: because Sav LOVES space... but seriously are these women fucking their fathers? 

S. Rogers: no Buck, it’s a kink

J. Barnes: a what? 

S. Rogers: a kink... when a certain... saying or action turns you on 

J. Barnes: oh... 

S. Rogers: did I hear Sav leave? last night I mean, she could’ve stayed 

J. Barnes: I told her she could stay... you know... the other night when I slept at her apartment... it was the first time I didn’t have a night terror or a nightmare... 

S. Rogers: does she know that? 

J. Barnes: no... I mean... I don’t want to... overwhelm her 

S. Rogers: you know what might be a good idea? instead of watching porn before breakfast?... talk to your girlfriend bud 

J. Barnes: Stevie? Was I a... fuck boy? 

S. Rogers: I don’t know what that is...

J. Barnes: leading girls on... not committing... 

S. Rogers: oh then yes... very much so... do you... do you want to do that again? 

J. Barnes: no far from I think I might... be... erm... hey we’ve switched you know that right 

S. Rogers: I’m not a fuck boy 

J. Barnes: whatever you say pal... 

———

I am in the middle of a sexual revolution. The cause of this is the goddam dimple on his chin. I can’t resist it. On my birthday I wanna drink Cristal out of it. 

We are... well, we are over the initial awkward shyness and have moved smoothly into the ‘fuck me right now’ phase. It is happening everywhere. I had to sterilise my entire studio after a... spillage of sexual fluids. I have a significant bruise on my ass because I slipped during shower sex and landed with a thud. 

When he kissed me in the elevator he decided to also smash the ‘emergency stop’ button. Do you know what happens when you stop an elevator in Stark tower? Iron Man flies down the elevator shaft and opens the hatch in the ceiling to see what is up. Thankfully no clothing had been removed.

Captain America knows I have pierced nipples after he caught me just after closing the refrigerator door wearing a shirt of Bucky’s that was way too tight and zero bra. He blushed and looked away.

“Do you have any... kinks?” 

“Whaaaaaaa” I was kind of stupified laid on my back on the floor of his room in the penthouse, after he’d pushed me over the end of his bed fucked me really hard and it wasn’t even lunchtime 

“Well I saw... some things... on the internet” 

“You saw porn didn’t you?” 

“No... well yes” he was laid next to me with his sweatpants still round his ankles “... do you like... that?”

“Porn? Sure... I put it on when I jerk myself off... gets the job done... but it’s not... real” 

“So I’m not doing this... wrong?” 

“No... why would you?” 

“You don’t... squeal like they do” 

“Oh well I mean I can get louder but this is a shared apartment... and they sound like that because it’s acting”

“Oh... but... do you have... any... kinks?” 

“I’m fucking a guy with a metal arm what do you think?” 

“Will you tell me?” 

“You really wanna know?” He’d stood up pulled his pants back up and was offering a hand out to me, I took it and he lifting me from the floor before he plopped me down on the bed, laying next to me moments later 

“Yes please...” 

“Promise you won’t laugh” 

“Swear” 

“Your hat” 

“What?” 

“I mean... here’s what I don’t like... anal sex... having my ankles bound but wrists are ok, being slapped around the face is a huge no, but spank my ass as hard as you like, pull my hair... and I want you to do that while wearing the goddam hat...” 

“What hat?” 

“The hat... the wonky hat... the soldier one” 

“Oh my dress uniform hat?” 

“Yes...” 

“I see... I hate to tell you but I think that got lost many decades ago” 

“Booooo... ugh...I gotta get going...” 

“But it’s Sunday...” 

“Yeah and I work seven days a week” 

“Certified freak... seven days a week” 

Ever see a super soldier do the splits while shouting ‘macaroni in a pot’? Yeah not a hundred percent sure I’d recommend it. 

——— 

The best thing that had come out of all the sex, no pun intended, was that Bucky was becoming a solid person. At twenty first century person. He developed a style that was... colourful, he LOVED shirts that had bold prints, tank tops underneath them, but his jeans and chinos remained dark (he tried white jeans but got grubby after five minutes). He either wore Vans or Chucks, again brightly coloured and usually clashing with his shirt, leather boots if he was on his motorcycle (I refused to get on it, parts of my anatomy got jiggled around by other vintage machinery and that was enough). And he LOVED Bomber jackets, even better if they had some kind of embroidery on the back. PLUS his shoulders were wide enough to mean he needed a size big enough to fit me too. I in no way have a beautiful Gucci jacket that I ‘borrowed’ and then claimed to have left on the Subway hanging in my closet. Honest. 

I kept thinking as he became more... the person he was supposed to be he would lose interest in me. But if anything the bond between us only became stronger. I, for once in my life felt secure in my... whatever it was. 

There was only one problem, I was very much falling in love with him. 

I tried to fight it, oh Lord I tried. 

It was thirty percent the dimple, fifty percent the sex and the rest? The rest was the utter ridiculousness that is James Buchanan Barnes. 

He had no schedule. He just did as he pleased. Which was mostly bug me. 

He’d learnt not to bug me when I was with clients though. Because I was too easily distracted by the dimple. 

I’d closed up slightly early because a ink bottle had fallen from the shelf and hit me square in the face. My face was now orange, like a pumpkin. 

When I got upstairs he was lounging on the couch with Alpine. I tried to sneak past him directly to the bathroom but... covert operative. 

“Hey you’re... early... where are you going? Come see me... I’m bored... no offence Alpine... why are your hands over your face?” 

“Ink spill” 

“Show me” 

“No... going to shower” 

He was quick off the couch and was now in my space trying to move my hands “Show me” I lowered my hands “... oh... you look like a pot of Mac and Cheese... shower... now” 

“Why are you here?” I was stripping off and got half way stuck in my shirt so he helped me pull it over my head before turning the shower on for me while I removed the rest of my clothes. 

“Oh... party invite... and Steve has... company and I couldn’t find Bird Boy not that you’re third choice, you’re never third choice... get in the shower... promise I won’t touch your tits... well maybe just the right one... it’s my favourite” 

“You’re ridiculous...” I was scrubbing my face with my loofah and hoping for the best “... what party?” 

He was leant against the sink “Steve’s birthday...” 

“Oh...” 

“Yeah he’s managed to talk Miss Potts down from black tie ball to costume party” 

“It’s not Halloween?” 

“No but as it’s the forth of July the costume party has a theme” 

“Of course it does” 

“Iconic Americans”

“Who’s isotonic”

“Take your head out from under the shower... that’s better... the theme is iconic Americans, mainly I think so Steve can go as himself... anyway... Natasha said it would be... cute if you and me had a... couples costume?”

“Bucky thats this weekend...”

“So...”

“So I’d rather you were fucking me against the shower wall than deciding what costume to wear...”

He pulled the shower curtain back “Let’s do both...” 

———

I tried for Bonnie and Clyde, I really did, Bonnie and Clyde would mean I could wear high waisted pants and a nice sweater... plus... beret. But the dimple is incredibly powerful when it comes to getting its own way. 

Bucky has reached his ‘grunge’ phase in his taste in music and movies, which is good as I remember the nineties when it happened but bad because I’m now standing in the elevator going up to the ‘party level’ wearing a white satin dress, but at least I’m wearing Converse, I had literally put both feet down over heels. The other half to my costume is once again waiting as the doors open. The blonde wig is... it is not a good look, I prefer my men... dark, but the rest of the outfit, especially the stripy tee and cardigan I’m hoping ends up in regular rotation. 

I did point out to him... with back up from his favourite thing, Google, that it’s very possible that apart from both being heroin addicts, Courtney killed Kurt, she shot him in the head. But his mind was made up. 

“I don’t like you very much right now” 

“You look amazing though” 

“Dresses and my thighs are not friends” 

“I’ll kiss them better later?” 

“It’s a good job you’re handsome” 

Once again I was pulled through the party. Steve had indeed dressed as himself, apparently he’d had the desire to put the original tights on again. Tony was obviously himself but Peter was also Tony complete with stick on beard it was like the episode of Bob’s Burgers when Gene dresses as Bob. 

Natasha was Bonnie, her Clyde was Clint, I had to admit, she looked better than I would have, but she could wear a trash bag and still look beautiful. Wanda was Kim Kardashian and tonight she was joined by Vision, this was the first time I’d met Vision and he’d used his ‘power’ to make himself look like Kanye West. It was... unnerving. The King of Wakanda was a very convincing James Brown. Everyone else was a tad... blurry... the champagne was truly flowing. As in it was literally flowing from a fountains apparently modelled on ‘America’s Ass’ a gift from Tony. 

“No date?” I was stood on the roof terrace with Steve, the dimple had gone to the bar 

“I thought it would send a certain message if I invited someone as a date” 

“And you’re not looking for something... permanent?” 

“No... not right now any way... speaking of permanent though... I hardly see Bucky anymore” 

“Sorry” 

“Don’t be... I know he doesn’t have nightmares when he sleeps next to you... and now his clothes are brighter... everything about Bucky is brighter now and honestly I don’t know how to thank you” 

“Look who I found...” 

Steve and I span round to see Bucky with two glasses of bourbon stood next to a guy with an awesome Big Lebowski costume. 

“You found the Dude... I love that movie” 

“I do not know why people keep calling me that... Captain... happy day of birth...” 

“Thor... always a pleasure” Steve hugged him, complete with very manly back slaps. 

I couldn’t make words come out of my mouth “This is Savannah” 

“Lady Rogers it is a pleasure... I have heard many great things about you from the soldier” 

“Thor?” it came out as a literal squeak 

“Doll you ok?” 

“Sorry... my... Dad was Scandinavian... the legends of you were... a huge part of my childhood, after he passed my Mom wanted to make sure I knew about his culture...” 

“I hope I live up to the legends you were told...” he put a kiss to the back of my hand and I giggled 

“Alright... alright... you may be a god but the lady is mine” Bucky secured his arm around my shoulder. 

“Well... let’s get this party started shall we... rid yourself of this mortal... alcohol... we give that to infants to make them sleep...” he pulled a flask from his robe pocket “... this is mead is of Asgard, aged a thousand years... Lady Rogers?” He tipped the flask in my direction 

“I’ll stick to the mortal alcohol, thank you” 

———

Oh god. 

OH GOD. 

Why am I on the EDGE of the bed? And still in my dress? What do I remember? 

I remember dancing, Bucky telling me modern dancing made me look like a octopus trying to fight a shark. I remember fireworks that lit up the sky in the shape of a shield. And that’s... it... oh god.

I sit up slightly to assess the situation. 

It’s clear that I am on the edge of the bed because including me there’s three people in it. Or rather on top of it. 

Wrapped tightly around each other are Bucky and Steve. Still both in costume, although Steve is missing his hood and Bucky is now without the blonde wig. 

Daylight is streaming through the windows. 

I try and shove the pile of super soldier limbs and bodies they’re attached to but I can’t budge them, and if I try any harder I’m likely to fall off the small part of the bed I’m barely clinging on to. 

At least Bucky is the body nearest to me and I haven’t woken up spooning with America’s Ass. 

A body shoots up from the foot of the bed. 

“What the fuck?” It’s Sam, he must’ve been on the floor. I don’t even remember him arriving to the party “Ha... oh... oh... man” I pull a pillow over my head but it doesn’t block out the sound of a camera clicking followed by the door opening and closing. 

The sound of the door closing disturbs the soldier pile I’m laid next to and Steve untangles himself, groans and gets off the bed, he leaves without turning back. 

Bucky is still in the centre of the bed. 

“Buck...” 

“Bleurgh” 

“Bucky move up” 

“Whaaaaaaaaaaat?” He shoots up, hair sticking up everywhere, a stick on tattoo of the shield is on his left cheek “Oh no...” 

“Bucky?” 

He reaches over the side of the bed and grabs the trash can and hurls into it. Loudly. 

“What... what... the fuck... happened?” 

He’s still clutching the trash can. 

“I think Thor happened” 

“I think I’m gonna die... I’ll just...” he tries to move but ends up hurling in the trash can again “... oh god... what’s wrong with me?”

“It’s a hangover” 

“Why aren’t you vomiting in a trash can?” 

“I guess I can handle my liquor better” plus I was a hundred and ten percent sure I was still drunk “I’m gonna go pee...” It took me a few attempts to get to the bathroom but once I was in there I was... alright... kind of... only half fell off the toilet. I stripped the dress off leaving me in my underwear... plus it seemed to have a blue stain down the front of it. I looked in the mirror. I also was sporting a shield tattoo, IN THE MIDDLE OF MY FOREHEAD, and whatever the stain on my dress was also a stain on my skin “Oh god...” 

I tried to make my way back to the bed so I could lay back down because that felt like the best course of action for the foreseeable future. Only I tripped over the wig that had been thrown on the floor and I crashed down, hard. I landed face down. I’m just gonna stay here, it’s easier. 

“Savannah... Savannah I love you so much but you’re being really loud right now” 

“What?” I got on to my hands and knees 

“I said you’re being really loud and my head is going to literally explode” 

“No... Bucky.. you said... you said you loved me” 

“I do love you” 

“That’s the first time you’ve said it” 

“Oh...” 

I tried to crawl forwards but gave up and just laid on my back on the floor 

“I love you too” 

“Come back to bed...” 

“I can’t... I’m too... drunk still... can you be drunk and hungover at the same time?” 

“Hang on... oh God” He hurled again. Then VERY slowly moved himself so he was looking over the edge of the bed down to where I was laid on the floor, he reached out his hand and I put my own up to meet it “Love you weirdo” 

“Love you Weiner Soldier”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know these past couple of chapters not much has ‘happened’ but I wanted to properly establish their relationship in case something awful were to happen, not that it will, I’m not a... monster


	16. you’ll never know and some secrets weren’t meant to be told

It took Bucky three days to get over his hangover, it took me three days just to sober up. 

The first twenty four hours were the most hilarious. I left him at the tower and somehow managed to not throw up in my Uber home to Brooklyn. When it reached afternoon he’d stopped dry heaving and someone, Sam I think, had persuaded him that the best hangover cure was Taco Bell. This led to a message that I’ll never forget that simply said ‘I cannot stop pooping’ followed a couple of hours later by ‘I hate Sam’ then just before I fell asleep (passed the fuck out) another message ‘I love you’. 

It turned out that I had one shot of the Mead provided by Thor and then not another alcoholic drink for the rest of the night, Bucky and Steve had five shots each. Five shots that led to a camera roll on Bucky’s phone that could only be compared to the one at the end of the first hangover movie, only with less strippers. But at least we didn’t wake up hugging an ice sculpture of Steve’s ass, that honour went to Clint. 

Letting myself be in love was... something else. And being in love with Bucky was a refreshing experience. He didn’t crowd me, sometimes he’d vanish for a couple of days but he’d always come back. A week after the party I stayed at the tower, and experiencing a bout of insomnia I found out that Bucky had journaled our entire relationship, he’d had Polaroids made of the photos taken on our phones that were stuck in there. I shed silent tears while he snored. 

His next part of becoming a twenty first century person was his employment plan. He didn’t want to be an Avenger, there was a clause to this though; Steve... if Steve did something dumb there was no way Bucky would cope with sitting on the sidelines. He’d get involved if Steve was in trouble. Bar that he was out. We’d had lots of late night discussions about what he wanted to do, it wasn’t the forties any more possibilities were endless and he had enough capital to do pretty much whatever he wanted. 

I asked him what he’d wanted to be when he was a kid and he said ‘happy’. Which... so cute, but not really a viable employment plan. He debated doing something really mundane like working in Dunkin Donuts (which was his preferred choice over Starbucks) or a fast food place, but fearing his metal arm would freak people out and perhaps not be the best when it came to working a grill or coffee machine that idea was discarded. 

A history teacher? Didn’t have the patience and millennials terrified him, mainly because younger Bucky had to have responsibility, these kids just got high and made videos of themselves doing dumb stuff, got tattoos and piercings and lived in the moment not really caring that tomorrow the world could end. YOLO. 

Working with wounded soldiers, ones that had lost limbs, suffered PTSD, and needed counselling was out as it triggered his own PTSD hearing about it. He’d hidden under a blanket for a solid day after Sam took him to one of the groups he hosted. 

The one thing he did love, cared about and made him happy was his motorcycle. I knew what would be ideal for him but I figured I’d let him work it out on his own. He could be really stubborn, and if you asked him to do something that he knew needed doing he’d dig his heels in and procrastinate even more on the matter. So I kept my mouth shut. 

I was starting to think it would never happen until he burst into my studio, right when I was doing an under boob butterfly. 

“Whoa sorry should’ve knocked” 

“Nelly this is my... Bucky... sorry” 

“It’s ok...” thankfully she had a top on that covered her boobs 

“Where’s Jed?” 

“Lunch... if you want anything hand me my phone and I’ll call him to pick you something up” 

“Nah I’m good...” 

“Did you already eat?” He had a tendency to forget especially if his mind was concentrated on something else 

“Yes... I think so... yes I had that crunchy stuff with the dried fruit” 

“Granola?” 

“Yup... anyway... anyway... I know what I want to do...” 

“As I told you yesterday you cannot be a Jedi Knight... and yes I am well aware you know... people who could literally build you a lightsaber but as I said before you’ll get arrested” 

“I still think I’d look could in the robes... but... no... I’m gonna open...” he did a drumroll on my worktop “... a garage” 

Bingo “... explain” 

“Well I love vintage engines and I mean who better to work on them than...” I fake coughed to stop him blurting out something secret “... someone as experienced as me” 

“So a repair shop for vintage... motorbikes?” 

“Yup... what do you think?” 

I think it took you long enough to work it out “Sounds... perfect... where?” 

“In Brooklyn obviously” In Brooklyn? What did this mean for us? Would you commute back and forth to the tower? “I’m gonna talk to... people about it but first... I gotta do some things... Doll...” he put a kiss to the top of my head “... you’re awesome and I love you... gotta go...” 

And with that the whirlwind that was James Buchanan Barnes left my studio, at least he managed to pull the door closed behind him. 

“Sorry about that... he can be... excitable” 

“He has an odd aura...”

“Is that... bad?” 

“No... he reads as happy but there’s a lurking sadness” 

“Oh... he was a erm... in the armed forces” 

“That would explain it...” 

———

Before he could work on his chosen profession he needed to do one more thing. 

Regression therapy. 

The first session I wasn’t worried about. It was going to concentrate on his pre HYDRA life. So I felt safe leaving him with Steve. His early life being so long ago it didn’t really have any value on his relationship with me. 

When he resurfaced a couple of days later he was both overjoyed and heartbroken. He’d remembered his parents, and his sister with amazing clarity. Old girlfriends. My store had been a butchers shop he’d been in back in the thirties. I already knew that’s what it had been as some of the original tile still remained but I didn’t let on.

He remembered Steve when he was... smaller, Steve’s parents. Their school years. He remembered joining the army, the missions he went on with The Howling Commandos. He didn’t remember being captured. He didn’t remember what they’d done to him, but he did now remember, vividly, the look on Steve’s face as he fell from the train. 

It was a a lot to unpack, for him anyway, I simply supported him the best I could. It felt like he’d gone to bed in nineteen forty four and woken up in the twenty first century. Which is what had happened anyway only know he really felt the effects of it. It was... disorientating. For both of us.

By the time his brain had more or less put things in chronological order it was time to do it again. Only this time it was going deeper, unlocking HYDRA. 

I didn’t want him to do it. 

For so many reasons. 

The main ones being how traumatic it would be for him to suddenly remember what they’d done to him. And brainwashed him into doing for them. And because it was HYDRA there was a slight chance it would scramble his brain completely. Would he forget me? Would he become the other guy again?

For him it was a risk he was willing to take. If he could provide information to any remaining HYDRA bases meaning he could live free without worry, if I could live in safety, it was worth it as far as he was concerned. 

I told him I’d still love him no matter what. 

The night before I stayed with him at the tower. We had his favourite meal, which was spaghetti and meatballs, delivered from a hole in the wall Italian in Soho. He’d put his journals into chronological order so if he did get scrambled, he’d have them to try and remember. 

I was putting dishes in the sink when he came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist, his chin on my shoulder. 

“I need to talk to you... come sit on the couch with me?” 

“I’ll just finish the dishes...” 

“Leave them... Steve can do them...” I let him lead me to the couch, we sat down facing each other, holding hands “... I need you to do something for me...” he nodded towards a brown file on the table “... in there is... it’s my Will...” 

“Bucky...” 

“No listen, if anything goes wrong there’s specific instructions... and I’m giving it all to you...” 

“I... I can’t” 

“Steve will be too Steve like... he will probably try and put it in a museum...”

“You’re not going to die Bucky” 

“Please... just in case... it’s all in there... just... make sure Becca is taken care of, pay her school tuition or buy her a car... if she gets married, pay for it... and...” 

“I will... I swear... do you think you’ll be able to sleep?” 

“I had plans that don’t involve... sleeping... if that’s alright with you?” 

His plan was to make LOVE to me, he didn’t fuck me, didn’t spank me or pull me round the bedroom. He literally laid me down, stripped me naked so slowly and with so much care. I was kissed from head to toe. I loved him on top of me, I know it seems so vanilla but his whole weight pushing me down into the mattress made me feel safe. Safe and loved. 

He did fall asleep, thanks to his sleeping pills, he offered me one but I declined. Instead I stayed awake watching him, praying to whatever deity I thought was listening to me that all this was going to turn out fine. 

He’d told me I could go in the room with him. Watch as they put him under. I just... couldn’t. 

Steve did. 

And when he came out to me sitting on the couch outside Reagan’s office the look of horror across a pale face was enough for me to know I did the right thing not going in. 

“Is it over?” 

“Almost... Regan is telling him to repress everything again, now we know what’s in there, he doesn’t need to know... it’s... better if he doesn’t” 

“Isn’t it being recorded?” 

“The information that is relevant and useful will be logged, everything else will be destroyed... will you come back in with me? It’s safe... I think he’d want you there as he comes back to reality” 

I swallowed and nodded. It took me a moment to persuade my body that it was safe enough for me to stand up, my legs felt like jello, the few steps between the couch and the office felt like I was walking through quick sand. 

As Steve pushed the door open it took all my courage to look into the room. 

It was perfectly normal. Just the two leather arm chairs facing each other. 

His eyes were closed, but not screwed tight shut, he looked... peaceful. 

“You’ve done very well James... I’m going to count backwards from ten and when you open your eyes you’ll be back in the room... ten... nine...” I held my breath, I didn’t mean to, I don’t know if I’ve ever been so emotionally anxious “... one” 

His eyes were open, a tad out of focus as he took in his surroundings, he looked to Regan first. Then out the window. Then to Steve. Finally his eyes landed on me. 

“Sav? You’ve decided to come in? Regan I’m ready when you are” 

“We are already done James... you did very well” 

“Bucky?” 

“Savannah?” 

“How do you feel?” 

He shrugged “Like I’ve had a nap...” he stretched his arms over his head and clicked his neck a couple of times “... don’t look so scared Doll” 

“James I’m going to ask you some basic information... what’s your name?”

“James Buchanan Barnes” 

“Good... what year is it?” 

“Twenty twenty one it’s Friday... I think around ten am? And I’m at Stark tower in Manhattan” 

“Excellent... who are the people here?” 

“Steve... aka Captain America... friend... Savannah aka Rainbow Girl aka Weirdo... she’s my... she’s my...” I held my breath again, had he forgotten who I am to him? “.... soul mate... and they both have the same surname” 

Soul mate? He’s never even referred to me as girlfriend before. 

“Wonderful... I think we’re done here... Captain I’ll have notes for you by tomorrow” 

“Thanks Doc... can I go? I wanna hang out with the weirdo seeing as she took the whole day off work for this” 

“Of course... I’ll see you tomorrow as normal” 

Usually PDA embarrasses the hell out of me but in the elevator going back to Penthouse two I let him wrap himself around me, his head rested on my shoulder, while Steve was in there with us, pretending to look at his phone when really he was staring at us from the corner of his eye, mouth curled up in a smile. 

We spent the rest of the morning lounging on the couch watching reality TV which both fascinated and repulsed him in equal amounts. He had a particular fondness for The Simple Life. Steve excused himself after thirty minutes, he felt Bucky was safe and well and no doubt had to pull apart the information that Bucky had spewed out when he was under. 

It was after lunch it happened. 

It all went to hell. 

And James Buchanan Barnes broke my heart.


	17. I don’t know where you’re going but do you have room for one more troubled soul?

FRIDAYS LOG  
Stark Tower   
Mission Control Room A 

T. Stark: Cap what we looking at? 

S. Rogers: a whole lot of nothing so far... mostly it was nonsense, a few names we already knew about

T. Stark: JFK?

S. Rogers: if it was him it was truly wiped... it’s all these... numbers... I thought it was just... rambling but they’re coordinates 

T. Stark: why isn’t Barnes here?

S. Rogers: he’s upstairs with Savannah, until we work out if it’s anything to be concerned about I don’t want him involved 

T. Stark: yeah how you doing with that? I mean you find out you’re not the only relic from the forties and then lose him to a girl 

S. Rogers: all I wanted was for him to live his life free, and Savannah is perfect for that

T. Stark: I always thought maybe you and him... 

S. Rogers: no... I mean he certainly helped my realise, but no... 

T. Stark: alright FRIDAY... let’s take a look see at these coordinates shall we? 

———

Steve came into the penthouse and stood between me and Bucky on the couch and the TV, he was wringing his hands. 

When he started speaking my brain... it just couldn’t compute, it shut down, I only got three words. Siberia, Mission, HYDRA. 

“And when do we leave?” Bucky had moved to the edge of the couch while Steve spoke, if he’d have said ‘now’ I think Bucky would’ve gone without even looking back at me. 

I was desperately trying to get my brain to form... a response... something... anything... “HA” 

He’d turned back to look at me “Sav?” 

“You cannot be serious?” I mean, he’s joking, right? 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“You... you...” nope my mind has shut down, I can’t form thoughts anymore. 

I did what I do best, I grabbed my purse and bolted. 

He didn’t follow. 

By the time I was crossing the bridge, crossing into Brooklyn, my mind had more or less sorted things out and I realised I’d been a massive dick. No wait he was being a massive dick. Shit. I’ll let the dust settle and then talk to him. Or I’d just never see him again. Maybe that would be easier for everyone. Bucky Barnes it’s been a wild ride but game over pal. Game over. 

It’s a good job I did take the full day away from work, because that means now I can get a good amount of booze into my body put on some angry music and rid my apartment of every scrap of evidence that Bucky Barnes ever existed in my life in any capacity. 

I stomped up the stairs, slamming doors for my own benefit. 

“Why is your answer to everything to run away?” 

He was stood against the kitchen counter. 

“How did you get here before I did?” 

“I have access to faster transport than you and don’t change the subject... you ran... AGAIN” 

“Yeah well...” I threw my purse on the couch and went over to him, I needed to look him in the eye “...why is YOUR answer to everything... ESPECIALLY DANGER to run HEAD FUCKING FIRST TOWARDS IT” 

“I...” 

I jabbed my index finger into his chest “NO... your war is over... you don’t NEED TO GO, you don’t HAVE TO GO... let someone else go and blow whatever is there to hell... because I am NOT GOING TO SIT HERE ON MY ASS WAITING FOR A CALL TO SAY YOU’RE DEAD” 

“Savannah...” 

“No I’m not done yet... you are not alone in this world anymore... we’re supposed to be a team... TOGETHER... we can’t do that when you’re not here because you’re chasing ghosts... I mean what am I supposed to do without you?” 

“Are you done?” 

“No... you’re a total and utter BASTARD and now I have all these... feelings and... I HATE FEELINGS... I like to cruise along in my bubble and now my bubble is burst” 

“Savannah...” 

“NO” My chest was heaving, I was failing to get air into my lungs, and worst of all my bottom lip was trembling, tears were on the verge of falling, and I do not cry in front of people 

“I love you too” 

“Don’t try and sweet talk your way out of this” 

“If you didn’t you wouldn’t be so upset... and yes... I should’ve discussed it with you first but the outcome would have always been the same, I have to go” 

“WHY?” 

“For me... for what they did to me... but most of all...” he took my hands in his “... for what they did to you...” 

“Bucky... please... please don’t go” 

“God I love you... I have to... listen... I have to do this... I have to burn it to the ground... I have to... finish it” 

“Why can’t Steve do it? Or Tony...” 

“Come and sit on the couch with me... please” He led me, I dragged my feet, I was... bereft. We sat facing each other, he’d not let go of my hands, probably to stop me running again “...this is... it needs to be... done... with care... if Steve had thought at all he could just go in and blow it up he’d have done it and never even told me... like you, he wants me to live my life free of them... and once I’ve done this... I swear on... I swear on your right boob and you know how much I love your right boob that I will NEVER... NEVER go to war again...” 

“What do you mean by carefully?” 

“I’ll start at the beginning... I’m going to tell you everything because you deserve to know... when I was... under... I came out with numbers, Steve thought they were random, they weren’t, they were coordinates... to... bases... he and Tony looked and all but one are burnt out... abandoned... the one left still showed signs of... activity” 

“In Siberia?” 

“In Siberia... I don’t have any recollection of ever being there... in that location...” 

“How long will you be... gone?” 

“A month... six weeks tops” 

“SIX WEEKS?” 

“We’re going to have to go... off the grid... if we’re being watched... and we suddenly jet off they’ll suspect and they’ll run... if we go quietly... taking the long way, it’ll throw them off” 

“How OFF grid is off grid?” 

“No cells, fake identities...” 

“So I won’t even be able to talk to you?” 

“Doll...” he let go of one of my hands so he could run his thumb over my cheek “... please believe me when I say it’ll be just as hard for me... and this is the most important part... I need your help... I need you to act like I’m still here” 

“I mean I’ve been known to talk to myself but...” 

“You’ll see people around here... the store... the tower... Brooklyn, that look like me... so they don’t notice I’ve gone” 

“Who’s going?” 

“Me, Steve and Sam” 

“Sam?” 

“Yeah apparently Team Dumbass now includes a third dumbass” 

“I am... still mad” 

“I don’t blame you...” 

“When?” 

“Sunday” 

“SUNDAY?” 

“We balance each other out you realise that right? I run towards and you run away... and when I come back we can meet in the middle and stay there... where no one can hurt us” 

“Promise?” 

“With all my heart and soul” 

———

I had to work Saturday, I had to act as if everything was perfectly normal when I reality I was falling apart inside. I kept thinking... I should’ve expected this, he’s... well he’s not a normal twenty first century person... something like this was bound to happen but I’d gotten so comfy in my bubble with him that besides him having a metal arm, it was easy to forget he wasn’t. He’d already seemed to distance himself from... The Tower, preferring to stay at my apartment, I’d thought mainly for privacy due to our ‘honeymoon’ phase with all the sex but perhaps it was more a shift from superhero to normal (hero). 

I tried as best I could to concentrate on my work. Which was easier than I thought it would be, I had an intricate Mandela, that needed me to have a mind that was only focused on skin and ink. I wished the day would go slower, I knew where he was today, tomorrow I wouldn’t. 

Yes he would disappear for a couple of days if his head fell apart after therapy or other Bucky stuff but he always came back and most importantly if I felt I really needed to know where he was it would only take a phone call to Steve to locate him. That wasn’t going to happen for a while. 

Lurking in the back of my mind there was another thought. Is Bucky Barnes a... faithful person? On the road... lonely... would he look to someone else for company? I couldn’t decide which would hurt more, the loneliness and worry of him going on a mission or the chance he might... cheat. 

I didn’t work late, and Jed was grateful for a slightly early finish. How would I explain Bucky’s absence to him? He’d gotten accustomed to him wandering through the store... 

I was... separated from my clothing as soon as I made it upstairs. 

I was pinned to the wall behind my bed, he was on his knees between my legs. 

He was... well we both were... aggressive, fucking like the world was ending, marks were left, bruises would form. 

After that it became gentler... but not lacking passion. Every time I was about to cum he’d whisper ‘not yet Doll’ and move me into another position. When I finally did cum, he did too, I didn’t think that happened in real life. It was... other worldly. 

Neither of us slept, but there weren’t any soul bearing deep and meaningful conversations either. Everything we needed to say to each other we did through physical touch. 

We sat on the fire escape, wrapped in blankets and watched the dawn break, the sun rising behind the skyscrapers of Manhattan. 

When he silently got dressed, my heart was tearing itself in two. 

I was still in my blanket... I opened it up so he could step inside the bubble one last time. 

“I love you” 

“Please come back safe” 

“I will” 

“I love you more” 

He cupped my face with his hands and kissed me. The way he’d kissed me that very first time on the dance floor. 

With a sad smile he pulled himself away, and like the first night he came in he left through the fire escape. 

I couldn’t watch him go. I just stood frozen. Then as I heard the roar of his bike I sprinted to the window. Maybe just maybe if I shouted don’t go one last time he’d change his mind. But I was too late. Bucky Barnes had gone.


	18. progress report: I am missing you to death

Week One. 

I can do this. I can totally do this. It’s not been that long since I was a singular enclosed unit it won’t be that hard to switch back. 

I’m cleaning up after a tongue piercing when I heard the store bell ring. 

“Oh Hey Bu.... sorry you look just like someone I know...” 

“Is Savannah Rogers available?” 

“Of course... go through” 

When I turned around I did a double take, a double take to the point my feet were almost off the floor running towards the figure in the doorway, but it wasn’t him. 

“Close the door please” 

“Of course” he pulled the door closed with a firm click “Ma’am my name is Adam Drury, I’m your... security detail...” 

“Uh huh” 

“As you’ll be noticing me around I thought it best to introduce myself... I’m fully trained in both armed and unarmed hand to hand combat and...” 

I put my hands up to stop him “I get it...” I did, but by comparison my Bucky was the penthouse at the Four Seasons, this Bucky was a room in Motel 6 off a forgotten highway “... and where did they find you? I mean do you just sit around somewhere until you’re needed as a... decoy?” 

“No ma’am I am a Corporal in the Marines ma’am... I was... found and assigned this detail” 

“Right... well... Adam... I’m kinda busy soooo...” 

“Of course... if you need to contact me my details are in the Stark Tower directory” 

He was headed for the door “Adam...” 

“Ma’am?” 

“Sargent Barnes... Bucky... even though it’s summer, he... he wouldn’t have his left arm visible unless he was with someone he’s incredibly comfortable with, he’d have long sleeves and gloves on when in... public... sorry I know it’s hot...” 

“No hotter than the Middle East ma’am have a pleasant day” 

His words span in my head all day. He’d obviously seen active duty. How did his family cope with him away? How did spouses of military personnel do this? I decided for all the time he was gone I’d donate one dollar from every ten I made to a charity that supported military spouses. 

By the time Monday evening rolled around though I had other matters to deal with. I’d felt like I needed to pee all day. Why did I feel like I needed to pee all day? I’ve got a UTI. OH you bastard, so not only have you left me to chase ghosts but all the... friction from Saturday night has given me a goddam UTI. I cry on the toilet for ten minutes then waddle to CVS to pick up treatment and hope I don’t end up in the ER with a full blown kidney infection. Bastard. 

Thankfully the peeing ceases and by midweek... I’m feeling happier, and don’t wanna rip my urethra out with a rusty spoon anymore now the ‘is that pee coming out or razor blades’ sensation has gone. 

The end of the week though... I put off what I’ve been dreading. Going to the tower. It’s not rare for me to not go there frequently. Bucky was separating himself more and more from Manhattan, so it could be a full week between me going there to see him.

I don’t see... anyone. 

What I mean is the tower is as full of people as it usually is, but there’s no one of... importance to me that I see. 

I had told myself that I was literally just going to go there, sit in my car in the parking garage for an hour and then leave but the weather has not cooled despite it being evening and I’m desperate for air conditioning so I gave up and headed inside. 

Straight to Penthouse Two, I almost... I don’t know... expected him to be there but obviously he’s not. The lights are on though. Probably set by FRIDAY to turn on and off at intervals so it seems lived in. 

I’d been fooling myself in the elevator that I was going to sit on the couch, maybe grab one of Steve’s expensive lagers from the refrigerator and watch some television, but the call of his bedroom door is like a siren song as the elevator opens. 

I take a deep breath in and turn the handle. 

“Ha” 

It even LOOKS like he’s still here, the room is still total chaos. But slowly it’s become more like organised chaos. The post it notes and photos and charts that were haphazardly tacked to the walls have now gone. Now there’s stacks of journals in chronological order on top of his banks of dressers along with framed photographs, some ‘new’, some ‘old’. 

Gone are the piles of CDs and DVDs, he finally has an Echo... because now he doesn’t think Alexa is a demon sent from Hell to read his mind like a fairground fortune teller. In their place is a neat(ish) pile of all his shoes. 

I stand against the windows and laugh to myself noticing our handprints still on the glass from when we’d tried to have sex against them, but me fearful of the glass giving way and him fearful of being spied on we’d given it up as a bad job and moved as far as the floor. 

His bed is not made and I laid down on it. On what’s technically ‘my side’, the one nearest the window after he told me he thought my body was beautiful enough to knock out the sun. Block the sun maybe... my automatic response was to put my hand under the pillow, I do it no matter where I go. Only this time there was something under ‘my’ pillow? What is that? Paper? I grasped it and pulled it from under there and into my line of sight. It was an envelope with ‘weirdo’ written on the front. I sat up slightly to open it but before I did I noticed his bedside table, usually it was littered with pens and journals only now it was clear bar one thing, a framed photo of me. Why do you have such terrible taste in photos? And why do you take them when I’m not looking? I’m sat in a booth in this ridiculous themed Mexican place where you get nachos served to you in a dinosaur shaped holder so the chips look like they’re the spikes on its back. It amused me so much I laughed till my cheese dip had almost gotten cold. 

The envelope weighing heavy in my hands brings my focus away from the ‘nacho-saurus’ (or as Bucky called him; ‘Clive’). When I opened it there was nothing in there, no note or letter, but I could feel something in the corner so I tipped it out on to my lap. 

His dog tags. He’d left me his dog tags. 

I slipped them around my neck and under my shirt. The feeling of them pressing against my chest was comforting. Yet saddening that they were lacking the person they should be attached to pressed against me. 

I got up and headed back to Brooklyn. 

———

Week Two. 

This week was always going to suck. I mean for the first time in a decade, maybe even my life I have someone I’m not blood related to that I want to spend my birthday with and he’s not here. I don’t know where he is. And I’m not even sure that his faulty memory had taken on board that it was going to be my birthday any time soon before he’d vanished into the morning sun. 

The day passes without incident. A call from my Mom, a cute bunch of flowers from Jed and Bryan (daisies, well, fancy daisies), and that’s it. I head upstairs ready to soak in my tub, watch something light and fluffy and get pleasantly stoned on some edibles one of my clients brought me. 

“Alpine I’m home... what do you care, you’re a cat...” I hear a meow come from the main room “alright... Jeez don’t be so offended but you are a cat... I mean you’re not...” 

I stop in my tracks. Alpine is on the kitchen counter wearing a very small party hat that she’s desperately trying to remove. I help her out of it and she skitters away to safety. 

On the coffee table in between the couch and the TV are two balloons, huge helium filled balloons in rainbow colours that say ‘happy birthday’ on them. Between the balloons lay a cake container, and a box, a box with a disc on top of it. 

“Hello?” 

No reply, not even a meow from the cat. 

On closer inspection there is a note on top of the disc, one of his beloved post it notes, but it’s not his writing. 

‘Sorry for the break in, Happy Birthday... Natasha x’ 

At first I think that she’s remembered it’s my birthday which is so sweet of her, but as I lift the box and disc off the cake container I realise it’s his doing because it’s not a cake, it’s a huge rainbow cookie that reads ‘happy birthday weirdo’ with edible flowers around the edge. 

The disc says ‘watch me first’ which is in HIS handwriting this time. 

I put it in my (rarely used now) machine. 

His face fills the screen, he’s sitting on his bed and he’s wearing a party hat and blowing a noise maker. 

“Happy Birthday you absolutely beautiful weirdo... I bet you thought I’d forgotten? Nah... your gift I’ve had for a while, the video I’ve had to make... hastily or I’d have done it with more... flair... I want you to know that firstly I will be missing you... horribly... if Steve on a mission in this century is anything like Steve on a mission in the last century... well... ooo boy... secondly next birthday how about you and me go... somewhere... Tony apparently owns a private island? You... me... palm trees... those drinks with paper umbrellas... a lot of fucking?”

“BUCK... meeting room...” 

“Jesus fucking christ Steve I’m doing something IMPORTANT here” his eyes weren’t on the camera anymore, Steve must’ve been stood in the doorway 

“Well do it quickly” 

“Sorry about that... I’d edit it out but I don’t know how... anyway Doll... I love you... don’t you dare forget that but for now...” he disappeared from the frame and I could hear rummaging “... Sargent James Barnes... signing off... yeah... turns out the ‘hat’ wasn’t lost after all” he flicked the peak of the dumb wonky hat and winked at the camera “... oh and the rest of this disc is a playlist ok love you bye” 

The screen went blank and the sound of Dashboard Confessional’s ‘As Lovers Go’ began to fill the room. Ugh that goddam hat, I could ALMOST forgive him for going on the mission just over the goddam hat. 

Before I disappear to my room to lay down and... think about the hat... I should really open my gift. 

It’s not a huge box, thank god, Bucky is yet to work out... inflation, he will barely blink if a total of something is over two hundred dollars, he thinks that’s a bargain, and according to Steve he always did spend way too much on gifts even if it meant he lived on cans of beans for a week. 

I pull the bow on the top and the sides fall out, inside is a note

‘Yeah apparently I can’t buy you the actual moon, so here’s a piece of it while I work on ownership rights in space, it’s complex, always J.B.B’ 

Under the note is a beautiful silver necklace with a teardrop glass pendant hanging from it, according to the enclosed card the fragments floating in the pendant are ‘moon dust’, there’s a certificate of authenticity from NASA to prove it. 

I’m not crying. 

———

Week Three. 

This week the depression hits, and it hits hard. 

Jed asks if me and Bucky have parted ways? I tell him no but he’s had to go away, he doesn’t push on the matter. Although I’ve never told him exactly who Bucky is he knows he’s... adjacent to Captain America and isn’t too dumb to realise that will come with... situations he can’t know about. 

It’s Becca that pushes me over the edge. She finally comes in to get a name covered on her hip, an old girlfriends name, she chooses a traditional swallow to cover it. That’s not the problem... the problem is the photos she brings with her. Of Bucky’s family. 

“He looks just like him... I guess the Barnes genes are strong” 

“I guess so... can I hang on to these and make copies?” 

‘OH those are copies... can you pass them on for me? I had hoped to see him at the Bean to talk to him but he’s not been around?” 

“No he’s away... with work” 

It puts me in a funk I can’t shake. My beautiful hundred year old man, who’s very definitely the Bucky in these photos is somewhere in this world that’s too far away for my heart to take. 

My OLD answer to depression was to get high, I get as far as withdrawing a large amount of cash from an ATM with plans to find a dealer and get totally obliterated and forget all about it before I give myself a good talking to. 

A quick Google search leads me to an AA meeting. 

I never delved far enough into addiction to need the twelve steps or rehab but I’m hoping the stories these people share will prevent me from falling into a Coke hole for the foreseeable. 

They do. 

The cash I’d taken out I leave in the donation box, should keep them in donuts and hopefully better coffee for a few weeks. 

———

Week Four. 

My cell wakes me up, it’s only eight in the evening, but my sleep schedule is... fucked, a combination of worry, heartache and my good old insomnia has me falling asleep at times when I literally can’t keep my eyes open anymore.

The screen doesn’t say withheld number, or any other number, or incoming call, it’s black, but I am kind of sure it is ringing out and I’m not dreaming. 

“Hello?” There’s nothing or no one on the other end, just loud static “Hello?” 

I’m about to hang up “Weirdo” 

“Bucky?” His voice is faint, as if he’s at the end of a tunnel “BUCKY?” 

“It’s...” more static “... sat phone... meant for...” crackle “... rescue... needed... hear... voice” 

“I miss you so much” 

“... mission... not... more... be... you... home soon” 

“I love you” 

“... going... it’s... I love you Savannah...” 

The line went dead. 

I cried myself back to sleep. 

———

Mission Coms   
HYDRA BASE   
SIBERIA 

S. Rogers: everyone follow my lead... Buck you good? 

J. Barnes: roger... Wilson you in position?

S. Wilson: roger... ready to advance on command 

S. Rogers: let’s do this... on my count... three... two... one... 

S. Wilson: what the hell is that noise? 

S. Rogers: no idea... Buck you hearing that? 

S. Wilson: Barnes? 

S. Rogers: Bucky... Bucky... report... 

S. Wilson: Cap what the hell is that? 

S. Rogers: I don’t know...stay alert... Bucky?

S. Rogers: Bucky... report... Sam do you have eyes on him? 

S. Wilson: no... Bucky? 

S. Rogers: BUCKY 

J. Barnes: ... ready to comply ... 

S. Rogers: ... shit


	19. And you can kill me, kill me or let god sort ‘em out

It happens as I’m leaving planned parenthood. 

Not for anything... exciting. I go to check my implant is still there and that... enhanced... sperm has not broken through and I’ve got a bun in the oven. I haven’t but I am lectured on being over thirty, still using birth control. Wouldn’t I like a baby? No. You should stop smoking, yup tell me something that I don’t know. 

There’s often volunteers who act as escorts to walk people in and out of the building, to shield them from pro life protestors so it takes me a moment to register what’s happening. 

There’s a black unmarked SUV parked by the sidewalk, Agent Coulson standing by the open back door. 

“Miss Rogers I need you to come with me” 

My brain shuts down. I know at this point he’s gone. I have a copy of his will on my cell. They must want me to let them know what his wishes are. 

“Where are we going?” 

“If you’ll get in the vehicle ma’am” 

Well I needn’t have bothered with planned parenthood. My last... lover, is gone. That’s it. Because no one will ever live up to the few precious months I got with James Buchanan Barnes. 

I do as I’m instructed and clamber into the backseat, Agent Coulson gets into the front passenger seat and we set off. 

“Again where are we going?” 

As usual, no reply. 

The streets of Brooklyn pass in a blur. I can’t make the tears come. I just feel numb. I’m not sure I’ll be able to... stay here anymore. I’ll sell the store and go travel with my Mom, there’s too many memories here now. 

We seem to be heading to the water. Towards the docks. 

I see a huge... ship. It’s too tall for me to get a proper look at it. The vehicle slows, is it time to get out? Not yet, the vehicle goes up a ramp and into the belly of the ship. 

We pull to a stop in a cavernous empty space. Empty bar Steve. 

I’m out of the car before I’m told I can do so. 

“WHAT DID YOU DO?” His face is bloodied and bruised, he’s half in the suit, it’s pulled down to his waist with a grey tank top covering his upper body. Right now he’s a red rag to a bull and I put my hands to his chest with all my strength and shove thinking it won’t have an effect but he toppled and landed on his ass, hard “YEAH YOU MAY BE FROM BROOKLYN BUT YOU’VE GONE MANHATTAN SOFT... I’LL SHOW YOU HOW WE DO IT IN BROOKLYN NOW BITCH” I raise my fist to swing but hard metal arms wrap around me from behind and I’m lifted from the floor, fists and feet swinging “PUT ME DOWN... PUT ME DOWN... I’M NOT SCARED OF GOING TOE TO TOE WITH IRON MAN, TAKE OFF THE SUIT STARK LETS GO...” 

“Aright Kung Fu Panda... calm down... let’s take a breath... come on... breath with me... in through your nose...” Steve is off the floor as I breathe in “...and out through your mouth...” I breathe out “... ok?” 

“Yup...” 

He releases me from his grip and I charge at Steve again but Tony’s too fast and I’m immobilised once again. 

“Jesus Christ kid... I think we should recruit you... Steve... tell the lady what’s happening before she breaks your face” 

“Savannah... I am... I want you to know how sorry I am” 

I deflate somewhat “Once Tony let’s me go... I... have a copy of his will on my cell... let’s... start” 

“We don’t need his will... he’s not... he’s not dead” 

My body goes limp in Tony’s arms “Alright... I got ya Kid... I’ve got ya” 

“He’s been... compromised” 

“He’s... he’s... the other guy again isn’t he?” 

Steve nods “... yes... he was triggered as soon as we made it inside the base... there was a... sound... we can only assume that it was played on a loop to keep him and... the others... submissive”

“OTHERS?” 

“Yes... they were... more but they must’ve been... terminated long before we arrived, the base had been disused for some time, it was all... fake... trickery to make it seem active” 

I’m free of Tony’s grip but he’s still stood close to me “He did that... to your face didn’t he?” 

“Yes... he was not... happy with us” 

“Where’s Sam?” 

“Cradle... Bucky broke his arm in two places” 

“Where is Bucky? And what is this... ship?” 

“This Miss Rogers is SHIELD at its best... this is a Hellecarrier... it’s used for rescue... Steve called us in as soon as Barnes went soldier” 

“WHERE is Bucky?” 

“He’s in a... cage” 

“A CAGE? HE’S NOT AN ANIMAL STEVE HE’S STILL A MAN” 

“It’s for his own safety believe me” 

“Why am I here?” 

“Because last time I broke through his programming because he knew me, this time it hasn’t worked... I’m hoping that this time... that this time it’ll be you” 

“Take me to him and if you think I’m apologising to you you’ll be waiting for hell to freeze over”

———

I’m led through the ship, all eyes on me as I pass by. I follow Steve to a level where I’m told there’s a cage, specially built by Tony in case the Hulk ever comes out and they need to contain him, this is where Bucky is. 

When Steve realised what had happened, and there was no stopping him (after he’d broken Sam’s arm and Steve’s face) they’d trapped him inside the base and called for rescue, Tony had been the one to go in and bring him out, in the suit, and even then Bucky had tried to rip the arc reactor from his chest.

We reach a large set of heavy double doors. 

“I won’t come in... this ship has FRIDAY so if you get in trouble just call for her” 

“Fine” 

The doors open and I stepped inside, I turned half way back just in time to see the doors slide closed. Ok then. 

The room is HUGE. 

It’s empty apart from a circular Perspex ‘box’ and walkways that surround it. 

He’s stood in the middle of the cage with his back to me. As I get closer down the walkway I notice smears of blood on the Perspex, on the inside, meaning it’s his. 

“Bucky?” He’s in the combat clothes he had on when I thought he was Jesus after I’d been shot “Bucky?” He doesn’t move 

On shaky legs I follow the walkway so I can face him. When I see his face I gasp, he’s bruised and bloodied, more than Steve, the stubble is now a beard, his hair is matted to his head. 

“Hey you” Nothing he just continues to stare, doesn’t even look at me “Bucky it’s me... it’s Savannah” nothing... “the weirdo...” not even a flicker “... rainbow girl” 

His eyes meet mine for the briefest of moments then he looks down to the left, confused, then like a switch has been flicked he goes back to the stare. 

“Bucky you know me... you love me... please...” I step closer, safety be dammed and put my hands on the glass “... Bucky...” I thump my fists against it “BUCKY” 

I walk a loop of the cage to see if he moves to follow me, or even looks to see me move. He doesn’t. 

“FRIDAY?” 

“Good afternoon Miss Rogers, welcome aboard SHIELD Hellecarrier Alpha Echo Seven, how can I help?” 

I’m back looking directly at him “If I say some things can you translate them to Russian? He can hear me in there can’t he?” 

“Yes there are audio speakers installed and yes I can translate” 

(Russian)   
“Soldier” 

“Ready to comply” 

“Mission Operative” 

“Destroy enemies of HYDRA” 

“Who are you?” 

“Winter Soldier number two b” 

“Who am I?” 

“I don’t know” 

“Do you think I’m a threat?” 

“Everyone is a threat” 

I step backwards. Heartbroken. I expect the railing to meet me but something else does instead or rather someone and I swing round, fists raised, which seems to be my automatic response today. 

“Sorry... sorry...” he’s holding his hands up in defence “... I thought you saw me come in... you’re Savannah Rogers? I’m Dr Bruce Banner” 

“You’re the...” I bulked up my shoulders “... is it safe... for you?” 

“It is... I am more... controlled now... and I’m so sorry to be meeting you under such circumstances, I’ve heard many wonderful things about you” 

“How long has he been in there?” 

“Coming up on seventy two hours” 

“THREE DAYS?” I spin back to face him “Bucky I am going to deal with this... STEVE ROGERS I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE AND FACE ME” 

The doors slide open immediately and he sheepishly makes his way down the walkway. 

“Savannah...” 

“NO STEVE WHAT THE FUCK? You’ve had him in there for THREE DAYS... LOOK AT HIM... he’s got no food no water...” 

“It’s been offered to him” 

“And your ‘solution’ was to just leave him in there? When did he last sleep?” 

“Four days ago... I think” 

“THAT’S IT ROGERS, YOU AND ME... OUTSIDE... I AIN’T SCARED OF CAPTAIN FUCKING AMERICA” 

“That’s obvious...” 

“OPEN THE CAGE AND LET ME IN” 

“Savannah he... he could... he could kill you... believe me when I say he very nearly DID kill me”

“I DON’T CARE OPEN THE CAGE” 

The yelling had brought Bucky round slightly and he started pounding his metal fist on the glass. 

“Captain... Savannah... perhaps you should take a step back?” 

“BUCKY” I put my hand on the glass where he’s thumping his metal fist against, I could feel the vibrations “Bucky... no...” 

There’s another flicker of recognition when his fist meets my hand separated by the glass, he looks... devastated, then the stare come back and he starts pounding again. Steve grabs my elbow and hauls me backwards. 

“We need a plan...” 

“LET GO OF ME” 

“No” 

“STEVE I NEED YOU TO LET GO OF ME” I’m trying to free myself to get closer to the cage again “LET GO OF ME” 

“No Savannah” 

“I... I...” I crumple, bravado gone and slump against Steve, so he moves his arm to around my waist to hold me up “... I love you Buck” 

“Come on... we’ve set up a video conference call with Shuri in the operations room... hopefully she’ll have a plan”

I’m led, supported between Steve and Bruce out of the room. I don’t look back. I can’t. 

——— 

Shuri is equally as pissed as I am. 

“Why didn’t you sedate him and put him in stasis Captain?” 

Steve puts his head in his hands “I thought I was doing the right thing” 

“CLEARLY NOT STEVE” 

“Ok ok... let’s not have another Rogers v Rogers fight” 

“Oh I don’t know Bruce... I’d kind of like to see it...” Tony clears his throat and cups his hands around his mouth “In the red white and blue corner it’s Steve ‘Captain I can do this all day America’ Rogers and in the rainbow corner it’s Savannah ‘bitch I’m from Brooklyn’ Rogers... we could put it on pay per view... make a fortune” 

“TONY” 

He just shrugs. 

We’re sitting around a table in a room not dissimilar to the one at Stark Tower, now I can see out of a window though this ship is... massive, and I’ve been told it... flies? I’m not very good on water or in the air so that combined with what’s happened to Bucky is basically my worst nightmare come to life. 

“When you’ve stopped bickering... I’m sending Dr Banner instructions on how to sedate him, then put him in stasis and bring him to Wakanda... where once again I will try to undo the mess made by white men” 

She disconnects the call.

“Wakanda... I can’t go to Wakanda... I’ve got... clients” Steve doesn’t reply verbally, instead he reaches in his pocket and slides a Polaroid towards me, it’s bloodied and battered, dirty with mud and grime but underneath all that I see my face. I see my face on the Wonder Wheel at Coney Island smiling with the sunset behind me “When do we leave?”


	20. last years wishes are this years apologies

I watch on monitors as gas is released into the cage, it momentarily obscures Bucky from view, as it clears I see he’s on the ground. 

I stand up to go to him now he’s out cold but Steve grabs my arm and pulls me back into my seat. 

Two SHIELD soldiers in full combat uniform enter the cage, a third is wheeling a stasis pod on a gurney. When they go to lift him from the floor he springs to life and swings at one of them, making contact with his face and sends him toppling on to his butt. I fear it’s all going to be a huge disaster but after he’s thrown his final punch he passes out again. He’s dragged, his feet trailing and manhandled into the stasis pod. Once the door is secure Tony looks to his data pad, a copy of the screen he sees is displayed on one of the monitors. He hits “activate” and the pod turns on, freezing Bucky inside it. I let out a breath I didn’t realise I’d been holding as his vitals are displayed, his heart rate steady. 

“I need to... pack” 

“Of course...” Tony literally snapped his fingers and Agent Coulson reappeared as if from thin air “... Agent Coulson take the lady home... she’ll drive herself to the Tower” 

“Steve...” 

“Savannah...” he barely looks at me 

I’m driven, thankfully in silence back to my building. I’ve got too many thoughts spinning to make small talk with anyone right now. 

I drag my suitcase from the middle floor where it’s stashed behind a box of my Mom’s cookbooks. It’s black with pink polka dots, and pink ribbons, on the pink handle I’ve scribbled ‘homesick at space camp’ a tradition I started with all my luggage. This particular luggage hasn’t ever been used for anything other than moving from one place to the next, now it’s going to... Wakanda... what do I take? It’ll be hot so... summer clothes? But is it a place of modesty when it comes to women? I pack long sleeves too. 

Alpine, shit... an idea formulates quickly and I rattle off a message before I make the first of two phone calls. 

“Jeremy” 

“Savannah what’s wrong? You never use my full name” 

“I have to... leave for a... while... I can’t tell you where” 

“Is it Bucky?” 

“Yes... I can’t tell you... I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, I’ll pay you as if the store was still open, consider it a vacation but if you could check the store... once a week while I’m gone, pick up the mail... email me with anything important and I’ll try and respond” 

“Are you... ok?” 

“Im trying to be... I have to go...” 

“Love you Sav” 

“I love you too Jed” 

I hang up, wipe away a tear that has fallen on to my cheek and take some deep breaths before I make the next call. 

“Hello sweetheart to what do I owe the honour?” 

“Hey Mom I need to tell you something...” 

“Oh my god you’re pregnant” 

“WHAT? Mom no” 

“Oh... you’re gay... well done on picking a team... FINALLY” 

“Mom no... although I still don’t... have a... its complicated... but I have been... seeing someone for a while now and...” 

“You’re in love... ahhh Savannah... when do I get to meet... him... her... them?” 

“Him... and...” 

“What’s his name?” 

“Bucky and...” 

“What kind of a name is Bucky? What does your amore do? An artist? A musician?” 

“He’s a... solider” 

“Oh boy...” 

“He’s been... injured... in... combat and he’s... going to... a rehab facility for wounded service men and I’m going with him to aide his... recovery... I don’t know how long I’ll be gone” 

“Wow... well... it must be love if you’re leaving work...” 

“It is Mom... I’ll call you when I can” 

“Ok sweetheart, go take care of your solider” 

“I will Mom, I love you” 

“Love you too” 

“I better get to meet him at some point... give him the Rogers shake down” 

“Uh huh I gotta go Mom stay safe” 

I hung up and grabbed the final few things ramming them in my case and zipping it closed. Next was Alpine, she is not a fan of her carry case because carry case equals vets. Not this time kitty, not this time. 

I lock up, if I’ve forgotten to set an alarm or turn something off I’m sure Jed will deal with it. 

My mind is blank as I drive from Brooklyn to Manhattan, it’s just stuck on go... my only concern is Bucky and that I have left him with Steve, Steve who’s proved that he doesn’t always act in Bucky’s best interest, will he even still be at the tower or will he have left without me? 

Thankfully he’s waiting in the parking garage as I pull in, without a word he takes my case from the backseat. 

“Flight deck when you’re ready...” 

“Flight deck when I’m ready...” 

He swiftly leaves, I take joy in the fact that he looks completely ridiculous, Captain America wheeling a polka dot suitcase through headquarters of the Avengers. 

I grab the remainder of my belongings and head to the elevator. 

“Savannah Hi... I’m so... sorry” 

“Wanda... thank you so much for this...” I enter her living space and hand her the holdall I’m clutching in one hand “... so this...” I lift the carrier in my other hand up slightly “... is Alpine...” I walk and set it down on the table “... she’s kind of pissed right now and once you open this up she’ll more than likely hide for a couple of days but don’t worry she’ll come out when she feels safe... she’s two years old, I found her in a dumpster when she was a baby... in the bag is her litter tray, bowls and a few food pouches... I can leave you money for more...” 

“It’s fine... we’ll be fine won’t we Alpine?” Alpine hisses at her “I hope...” 

I crouch down to be level with the carrier “Alley cat... be nice to Wanda and I’ll see you real soon ok?” I put my fingers through the wire and she swipes at me “Yeah... I’ll miss you too...” I stand back up “I... should...” 

“Of course” 

Wanda does that thing where she hugs me and pins my arms to my sides “Bye Wanda...” 

“... take care Savannah” 

——— 

The flight deck is truly the top of the building but it’s not open aired which totally confuses me. The SHIELD operatives are loading Bucky into one of the infamous Iron Man Quinjets. 

Steve is waiting for me by the ramp that leads to the body of the jet. 

“Ready?” 

“As I’ll ever be” 

We pass the operatives as they walk back down the ramp. Bucky’s stasis pod is strapped to the right hand side of the jet, there’s a seat opposite and one seat in the cockpit. 

“It’s not the comfiest of transport but it’s the quickest and safest... please strap yourself in, once we’ve reached cruising altitude you can move about” 

It takes me a couple of minutes fiddling with the harness before Steve comes over and does it for me, pulling them tighter than totally necessary I’m sure. For the first time I look at Bucky, I can only see his shoulders upwards, he looks peaceful but not like he’s sleeping, when he sleeps his mouth hangs open and he drools... and snores... 

Steve has taken the pilot seat “Tower Control this is Captain Rogers, Quinjet Charlie Lemur Delta requesting permission for take off” 

“Roger that Captain you are clear for take off” 

“Take off HOW? There’s a roof Steve” 

“There won’t be soon” 

The roof slips open above us revealing bright blue skies. 

“What the fuck?”

“Right? Hold on... take off can be a little bumpy if you’re not used to it and the last time you were in one of these you were... so I’ve been told... talking to Bucky as if you were aboard the Millennium Falcon...” 

I look back up at Bucky and although I have no memory of it I smile for the first time that day. Until the jet lifts upwards like a helicopter, the g force pinning me to my seat. 

‘OH GOD... I’M NOT A GOOD FLIER” 

“It’s alright Savannah... it gets better” 

He’s right it does. As we start to move forwards as opposed to upwards the ride gets smoother, it barely feels like we’re moving at all. 

“Tower control this is Captain Rogers, we’ve reached cruising altitude... signing off” 

“Copy that Captain Rogers... have a safe flight” 

Steve pushes a few buttons on the dash and unbuckles his harness. 

“Do you need help undoing that?”

“No... I can manage...” I struggle free and stand up, moving to stand behind Steve at the controls, the clouds flying past us in a blur “... I didn’t know you could... fly?”

“I mean really it flies itself... but yeah... very different to what I flew before” 

“Steve I...” 

“Has hell frozen over? If not there’s no need to apologise... I deserved everything you threw at me” 

“Well... then thank you... for falling when I pushed you, that gave me a tremendous ego boost, even though it was fake” 

“Fake? I don’t know if it’s the fact you have above average upper body strength from your line of work or you were fuelled by pure anger but there was nothing fake about that fall... I genuinely think I might have your hand prints bruised on my chest” 

I turned away from the cockpit window and went to stand in front of Bucky, I placed my hands on the pod “Is... it... safe? He’s not gonna wake up?” 

“Nah but if he did I kind of doubt he’d last a round with you swinging at him”

“I don’t know how you...” 

“When... when it happened before I’ve... I knocked him out... cold... it seems to... reset him, turns the soldier off... but this time... he couldn’t be stopped...” 

“Tell me about the... mission?”

Steve clicked something on the dash and span his seat round to face me “... there’s not a whole lot to tell... we spent weeks living like hobos trying to get to Siberia without being noticed, then when we got there, the tracks that looked fresh via satellite were concrete made to look like snow... the heat signatures were the... the dead winter soldiers... still in pods... I doubt anyone had been there in a very long time” 

“So HYDRA is... gone?” 

“I truly hope so... and I swear... if I EVER get wind of another fraction starting up somewhere I’ll deal with it myself... I’ll leave him out of it... he... he belongs with you now” 

“I’m sorry...” 

“I told you, there’s no need for you to apologise” 

“No... I’m sorry I stole your friend” 

“I’m fairly sure he went pretty willingly” 

“I missed him so much” 

“The feeling was incredibly mutual I assure you...” 

“Is he... I mean was he... well behaved?” 

“Before he pummelled my face? Yeah... oh you mean... yeah... Bucky is... faithful and incredibly loyal... I mean to the point Sam and I teased him on how much he loves you and he didn’t even retort, just gave us the finger and went back to... well quite frankly... moping” 

———

I must’ve nodded off in my chair, how I don’t know because it was ridiculously uncomfortable. I woke with a jolt. Steve was shaking my shoulder. 

“What... what’s wrong?” 

“Nothing... we’re almost there... you’ll wanna see this” 

“How long was I asleep for?” 

“Couple of hours” 

“How fast is this jet Steve?” 

“Well I don’t know the technical information but... fast... strap yourself in again” 

After he’d sat back down and we’d both done up our harnesses he pressed a button and my chair swivelled so it was facing the front of the jet. I couldn’t see... anything... just trees and farm animals in dry fields below. 

“This is Wakanda?” 

“No this is Africa...” we were dangerously close to the tops of the trees when suddenly they vanished and in their place was a city, a futuristic looking city that had just materialised out of thin air, literally “... THIS is Wakanda... Citadel Control Tower this is Captain Rogers permission to land... over” 

“Good Morning Captain Rogers... please head to landing pad four... we have been expecting you... over” 

The jet went into hover mode and slowly lowered landing among other aircraft, at least we were on the ground and not at the top of a building, at least I thought we were. 

“Ready?” 

“I hope so” 

We were out of our seats and stood at the back of the jet while the exit ramp slowly lowered. The first thing that hit me was the heat. It was a dry desert heat. The sun was high and I had no idea where my Ray Bans were. 

Shuri, another woman and two orderlies on white scrubs were waiting for us at the bottom. 

Steve made his way down the ramp first, then me, scared to leave Bucky. Not that he’d know. 

“Your Majesties...” 

“Majesties? As in... multiple?” 

“Mother this is Savannah Rogers, Savannah Rogers this is my mother... Ramonda... the Queen Mother” 

I tried to curtesy and failed horribly. 

“My child there is no need for that here... you are just as Shuri described you... come... come inside... there is air conditioning...” 

“Oh thank god” 

“God? No... thank Wakanda... come... Shuri will take care of your broken white boy... it’s her favourite hobby” I glanced back to the jet, the orderlies were bringing Bucky out and Steve was wheeling my suitcase forward “... he’s in the best hands I promise you sweet girl... come...” she threw a robed arm around my shoulder “... come... Captain carry the lady’s bag...” 

“Yes ma’am” 

She led us into... basically a palace. A palace where the bedrooms were like five star rooms at The Bellagio. Steve vanished into his room opposite mine without another word after standing my case next to me in the doorway to mine. 

“Now... take your time... relax... you’ll find refreshments in your room and if you take the elevator we just used there’s a directory in there to locate where you need to go...” 

“Thank you your...” 

She put her hand up “... Ramonda is just fine...” 

She swept down the corridor, the people she past by stopping and bowing ad her robes flowed behind her. 

I washed my face. That seemed... logical. I ate... something, I’m not sure what it was but it was super tasty, a kind of sweet bread that seemed to soothe my soul. I changed my clothes, it was cool enough for jeans and I doubted I’d be going outside any time soon. I tried to sleep I really did but it wasn’t happening. Plus it seemed to be mid afternoon? 

I needed to check on him. 

It was easy enough to locate Shuri’s lab from the directory and I was startled when the elevator a hundred percent moved sideways. As it went I could see... something... a mine perhaps? But not like a mine I’d ever seem, there were no grubby workers in cramped conditions and everything seemed to glow purple and be moving on the backs of pristine white wagons. 

Shuri’s lab made Tony Stark’s lab look like it was from the Stone Age. 

Screens of information everywhere. Bucky was still in stasis in the centre of the space. 

“Ahhh Savannah Rogers I did wonder how long you would be able to wait... come... I’ll show you what is happening...” next to Bucky’s stasis pod were two display screens, one showed his vitals, one showed his brain? There were different colours on different areas “... as you can see he’s still alive... and his brain is now... more peaceful than it was... I believe I have deactivated the solider... are you able to tell me what happened? The Captain is either sleeping... or sneaking off to visit certain members of the Dora Milaje” 

“The what now?” 

“My brothers warriors, they are female... the Captain had a liking to one when he was here last with... the White Wolf” 

“White Wolf?” 

“It is better than Winter Solider do you not think?” 

“White... Wolf... it suits him...” 

“Savannah?” 

“Yes sorry... I didn’t go... but from what I’ve been told there was a looping sound in the facility, as soon as he heard it he turned...” 

“No words?” 

“No... Steve described it as a... buzzing sound” 

“Well... at least I know that I didn’t mess up with his deprogramming... I believe it may have been a binaural sound... some people use them to soothe pain, feel euphoria... I’m guessing HYDRA created one that worked specifically with the soldiers in their... captivity” 

“So he’ll be alright?” 

“I doubt he’ll never be... as you say alright... but yes... although I can’t guarantee he won’t experience a trigger again, memories I can deal with... even though his limbic system is like a Christmas tree on psychotropic drugs... triggers... it could take decades to unravel all the knots in there... I am going to reboot him... again” 

“Will it hurt?” 

“Not at all, rest easy Savannah Rogers the White Wolf will feel no pain” 

“How long will it take?” 

“To reboot him? Twenty four hours...” 

“And he’ll remember me?” 

“No doubt... this...” she pointed to the front part of his brain projection “... is his temporal lobe... in it is the amygdala, the part that controls emotion... love... in particular... last time I looked it was... empty... now as you can see it is not” 

“I feel like there is a but...” 

“There is only so much I can do with science... once I have rebooted him we’ll remove him from stasis to a traditional hut on the lakeshore... where he’ll wake up in his own time... we will switch his treatment from science to... ancient medicine... it is what worked last time... however it could take a number of weeks till he wakes” 

“WEEKS?” What am I supposed to do?” 

“This is Wakanda Miss Rogers... so anything you want”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how we doing...


	21. till Lakeshore drive comes back into focus I just wanna come back to life

I don’t leave Bucky for twenty four hours, I sit quietly in Shuri’s lab as she works. I nod off at some point but wake suddenly when there’s an onset of noise. 

Opening my eyes the lab is now full of men in what I assume are traditional Wakandan robes, they’re such vibrant colours, purples and golds. 

A man who is introduced to me as Zuri, the chief medicine man hands me a set of robes and instructs me to change, I need to be part of the next step in regaining Bucky. 

My robes match theirs and they’re so comfortable I think I could get used to wearing a skirt if it looked and felt like this. 

Bucky is removed from stasis after Shuri checks his vitals one last time. He’s placed on a hand made stretcher on top of a gurney. He’s stripped from his clothes. Cut out of them, they are bagged and sent to be incinerated. He’s washed from head to toe in the most divine fragranced water in wooden bowls with petals floating in them. I feel like a spare part until I’m told to wash his hair, I need to be close and physically connected to him so his spirit knows I’m here. 

Dirt and grime flows out of his brown locks, I don’t think I’ve ever washed anyone’s hair never mind as part of a ceremony. He’s warm, breathing steadily, but showing no signs of waking. 

Once he’s clean, and had his beard trimmed with expert precision (thankfully not by me, I can barely shave my legs without causing myself to bleed everywhere) he’s redressed in the robes worn by the villagers. They’re soft and bright, blues and reds. Branches of a sacred tree are placed around his body. 

The stretcher is carried as part of a procession. I don’t carry him but I stay close to his side. 

The walk is short. Unlike cities in America here in Wakanda the city... stops, it stops and becomes peaceful countryside. A glorious blue lake stretches out as far as the horizon, along the shore are stone huts with symbols painted on the walls inside and out with thatched straw roofs. The procession stops outside the hut thats in the most central location to the lake shore and Bucky is taken inside and placed on a low bed made of straw with patterned woollen throws on top. 

Zuri, chants, and anoints Bucky’s forehead. 

“What happens now?” 

“Now Miss Savannah Rogers... we wait... his soul and spirit will meet and then wander till they find the passage back to the land of the waking... stay close... your soul and spirit will guide him... I bid you good day...” 

I’m left alone outside the hut. I take a seat on the hot ground and wonder what the hell I’m supposed to do now. 

“Wakanda suits you” 

“Have you finished fucking the kings guard?” 

Steve looks so out of place, standing in his western clothes, sweatpants and a tee. He sits on the ground next to me. 

“For now...” 

“You know Steve maybe just find one person and stick with them?” 

“The world has so many flavours though, how am I supposed to pick a favourite?” 

“He’s...” 

“Asleep?” 

“Yeah some... Wakandan voodoo happened” 

“I was with him last time, and it worked, took him a while to wake up mind you...” 

“What am I supposed to do now?” 

“Well I have to go back to Siberia and as you put it ‘blow HYDRA to hell’ after that New York for debrief, check on Sam... but I’ll be back as soon as he wakes, will you be alright?” 

“I’ve never even left the US and now I’m in secret African state, the one person I know who’s awake is leaving and the other is on some kind of spirit quest” 

“You’ll be fine... Shuri and Ramonda are caring women, you won’t be alone... but for now and I mean no offence but you look exhausted, you should get some sleep of your own” 

——— 

I fall into a routine after Steve leaves. 

Ramonda somehow gets wind I’ve not been eating properly after I suffer a dizzy spell so she makes me have breakfast, with the royal family, each morning, seeing for herself that I eat once a day at least. It’s like some kind of alternate reality, me sitting in my western clothes with royalty surrounded by servants in the palace dining room eating a dazzling array of different foods. 

The kings guard, amused by the fact that I managed to knock over Captain America recruit me for training sessions each day after breakfast. I learn to wield both a spear and bow staff. 

I get used to the heat, the sun darkens my skin and lightens my hair to a pastel blue. After the second week I barely recognise the person in the mirror anymore. My skin is clear and covered in freckles. 

Shuri was right, in Wakanda you can do anything, and although my skin is a different colour to the majority of the population I’m not treated with any difference to the people born here. Here anyone can be anything they want. Skin colour does not define them. The western world could learn so much from Wakanda. 

I meet with their tattooists, who work with sharpened sticks taken from sacred trees and ink as opposed to needles. We share our traditions our ways of working. I get a band of small stars tattooed around my right ankle. It’s the constellation that shines down on Bucky’s hut each night when the sky turns not black but purple thanks to the mining of vibranium. As vibrant in colour as it is in name. 

And still he sleeps. 

Shuri checks his vitals once a day. They don’t change. 

After being assured by many many people that there are no strange creatures lurking beneath the surface I start swimming each day in the lake. Thankful that I’d packed the one bikini I own. The water is always cool and refreshing. I just like to float under the sun. I don’t know I’ve ever felt peace like it.

It’s been twenty two days since we arrived here. 

Twenty one days he’s slept for. 

Each day I sit with him, I talk to him as if he’s awake but of course he doesn’t reply. 

On my twenty third day in Wakanda it’s especially hot, so I take my swim slightly early. I leave my clothes outside the curtain that acts as a door to Bucky’s hut. 

I’m walking back to shore, the water up to my knees, wringing out my hair when I see him. 

He’s the most glorious thing I ever laid my eyes on. 

“Bucky” 

He looks, confused, my heart rate speeds up with anxiety, afraid he has forgotten me. As I emerge fully from the water a smile spreads across his face. 

“Weirdo?” 

“Oh thank god” 

Not caring that I’m dripping wet or being concerned that I wobble when I do so, I run towards him and throw myself into his arms. Thankfully he catches me and holds me tight. 

“Let me... let me look at you...” I step back from his embrace, though his arms still linger loosely around my waist, he runs his thumb across my cheek “... you look... your freckles... and hair... and... so... tanned...” 

“I missed you” 

“Oh I missed you more Doll” 

Not caring that I was underwater moments before or that he’s not seen a toothbrush in weeks I put my lips to his. We’re like two puzzle pieces slotting together once again. 

“I take it we’re in Wakanda?” He’s looking down at his robes 

“Yup... I should just... hang on...” I raise my wrist to my face, Shuri had given me a communication device to wear “...Shuri? The White Wolf has risen” 

“Excellent Savannah Rogers I’m on my way” 

“How long?” 

“Twenty three days we’ve been in Wakanda, twenty six since Siberia... what do you remember?” 

“I remember being in Siberia... outside the base and that’s it... Steve...” 

“Is fine... you... the soldier was triggered as soon as you went inside, he called Tony in to rescue you all...” 

“How much damage did I do?” 

“Nothing that wasn’t fixable” 

“Your store...” 

“Is closed... for now” 

“Alley cat?” 

“With Wanda” 

“Oh god I’m so sorry... I’ve put you through so much” 

“As I said... you’re worth it BUT I gotta tell you... couples that begin relationships after experiencing traumatic events rarely last the distance” 

“Oh I think we’ll be the exception Savannah” 

He kisses me once again. 

———

“If we got married would you be Barnes-Rogers?” 

“No” 

“Rogers-Barnes?” 

“No...” 

“Just Barnes?” 

“No...” 

“Why?” 

“Don’t believe in marriage...” 

“That’s what you think... for now” 

I stick my head out from behind the shower curtain “What did you say?” 

“Nothing...” 

After Shuri had given him the once over the first thing Bucky wanted to do was eat. And by eat I mean if it was stationary and on a plate in front of his eyes it went in his mouth. 

The second thing was to show me how much he missed me and I was not going to stop him from doing so. 

Steve was on his way. Hopefully coming to collect us. As much as I love Wakanda I was ready to go home. I’d been ready to go home about ten days a go but couldn’t leave Bucky.

I was in the shower actually in my room in the palace, Bucky was... trying to make himself feel like Bucky again I guess. He’d brushed his teeth, stared at his face, and was now brushing his teeth, again. He was also talking a load of nonsense while brushing his teeth. I couldn’t quite catch what he was saying. It sounded like marriage. Which was a whole other conversation to be had just not right now. 

“Did I tell you I hit Steve?” 

He pulls the curtain back, toothbrush hanging from his mouth and white foam in his stubble “You did what now?” 

“Yeah...” I’m washing the insides of my thighs, they’d gotten quite... sticky “... knocked him on his ass... then I tried to smack Tony out of his suit too” 

“I kind of wish I could’ve seen that” 

“Called him a bitch” 

“Who? Steve or Tony?” 

“Just Steve... I think... it’s kind of a red tinted blur to be honest... oh and erm...” 

“You hit Sam?” 

“No you did that... what I did was way worse... I told my Mom about you” 

His eyes go wide “Shit” 

“Shit indeed Barnes... you getting in?” 

“Thought you’d never ask...” 

I’m pinned to the wall... toothbrush tossed over his shoulder... I just want him... everywhere... 

There’s a pounding on the, thankfully closed and locked, bathroom door. 

“Bucky? You in there?” 

“This time... I’m gonna hit him... yeah just a minute punk”


	22. what a match, I’m half doomed and you’re semi-sweet

We don’t leave straightaway. 

Ramonda insists on feeding us all one last time. Or she says that’s the reason. But the real reason is to tempt Steve into staying with Afia. The member of the kings guard he’s been... ‘Steving’ all over Wakanda. 

It’s crazy awkward. 

Well I think it’s awkward, Steve and Afia look awkward, T’Challa who’s been away visiting the outer regions of the country is bemused by the whole situation, Shuri barely looks up from her phone. 

The only person to not find it awkward is Bucky. Because Bucky cannot stop eating, again. We’re all sitting making awkward conversation eating like polite humans (because Royalty) and he’s forgone his plate and is eating directly out of one the serving bowls, it’s just easier apparently. 

“I don’t know how to thank you” 

Ramonda regally waves from the head of the table “... no thank YOU... fixing broken white boys keeps Shuri out of mischief... mischief usually created between her and the boy spider” 

“They’re millennials... mischief is all they have that and... what is it Doll? Yo-yo?” Mumbles Bucky around a spoon of potatoes

“YOLO”

“That’s what I said” 

“No Bucky” 

“Perhaps you will all visit when there isn’t a crisis?” 

“I’m sure we will...” Steve’s actually smiling at Afia over T’Challa’s offer 

“It’s Spiderman NOT boy spider” 

“Shuri that child is so far from a MAN he’s still in a crib” 

“Mother” 

“Shuri” 

“Savannah” 

“Yeah Buck?” 

“Oh sorry I thought we were just saying peoples names” 

Shuri sniggers and goes back to looking at her phone. 

———

“Rogers-Barnes then?” 

“Still no” 

We’re in bed, well I’m IN bed, Bucky is laying on top of the sheets rubbing his stomach like it’s a baby. Food baby. 

“Why?” 

“Why does it matter?” 

“Just... does... I don’t know if my pants will fit tomorrow... oh no wait they’re elasticated... YOLO” 

“That’s not what... never mind... look my parents didn’t marry, I’m sure they would’ve eventually but my Dad died, and I hate to point out but you don’t have a very good track record at staying away from life threatening situations... plus... I’ve already been engaged... twice... did not end well or I wouldn’t be here” 

He turns on his side propping his head up in his hand “... so... wait your Dad wasn’t Rogers? And who are these people show them to me... I’ll HURT them” 

“No my Dad was Mason... and please don’t make my ex’s go... missing...” 

“Barnes-Rogers?” 

“Bucky... stop contemplating your navel and get IN to bed... I’ll make you a deal... if... IF we survive a year of NORMAL dating then maybe... MAYBE I’ll think about talking about it”

———

We leave without ceremony. This time Bucky wheels, with pride, my ridiculous suitcase on to the quinjet. 

The seats all face forward. 

Aifa has not come to wish Steve goodbye and safe journey so I guess Ramonda’s plan was not a success after all. 

“Well I gotta say it’s... nice to be flying with both of you conscious for once... Citadel Tower Control this is Captain Rogers requesting permission for take off”

“Roger that Captain... have a safe flight and come back soon” 

“Roger that Captain” Bucky is sniggering 

“Real mature Buck...” 

“Wanna play eye spy?... Doll?” 

“Yeah she’s not a good flier” 

“Sav...” 

“I hate this part...” Once again the force pins me in my seat as we rise above Wakanda. We continue upwards until we are in the clouds then we start moving forwards again “... oh god...” 

“Look at the horizon...” 

“THERE ISN’T ONE TO LOOK AT STEVE... can you turn my seat? Please...” I’m swivelled so I’m now facing Bucky’s left hand side, he can be the horizon “... thank you” 

“You love... rides...” Steve coughs stopping Bucky before he goes further with that thought “... at the fairground I mean” 

“They are over quickly and operated by people WHO DIDN’T ONCE CRASH A PLANE INTO THE ARCTIC... I should’ve asked Shuri to put me in a stasis pod for the ride home...” 

“So if we ever wanna go on vacation I have to knock you out before I get you on a plane?” 

“Yes” 

“I’m sure Thor could give us some of that mead” 

“I said knock her out Steve not have her pass out... spin my chair please” He’s turned to face me and holds out his hands for me to take in mine “... Doll look at me...” he’s stroking his thumbs across my knuckles “... you’re alright... I got ya... it’s safe right Steve?” 

“Perfectly” 

“When we flew out I was too distracted by getting you to Shuri I wasn’t this bad... sorry” 

“Don’t be sorry... there’s not a person in this jet that hasn’t experienced an anxiety attack... is there a reason for it? You’re fear of flying I mean?” 

I’d tell him one day. I’d explain that I’d been... touched when I didn’t want to be on a plane going on vacation with an ex, coerced into doing things for the sake of ‘not making a scene’ and that now just the sensation of being in the air brought the memories back but not right now “Nah... everyone’s got a fairly irrational fear right?” 

———

When we’d totally cleared Wakandan air space the distraction away from my anxiety came in the form of my phone lighting up like a Christmas tree. Because of how Wakanda is shielded my phone had been rendered less than useless, I’d only used it to listen to music. I figured if someone truly needed me it was... tough... Bucky was the most important thing, everything else could wait. 

Thankfully most of it was messages from Wanda. It seems in my absence Alpine has become the unofficial cat of Stark Tower. She’d made an escape from Wanda’s apartment and from that point onwards she’d been spending her days wandering the tower, bugging anyone would give her pats and treats then someone would return her at the end of each day. 

Couple of messages from Jed, just checking in, everything was fine, I’d not left my hair straightener on and burnt down the building. I’d probably burnt my reputation with some of my clients after basically cancelling on them, disappearing for weeks on end. Perhaps now Bucky was done with being a soldier we could live without disaster and I could rebuild it. 

We touched down at the Tower the same time we’d left Wakands, I never could get my head round time differences. But I was glad it wasn’t the middle of the night and it would be easier back into my America routine. 

Sam met us on the flight deck. Sam with Alpine in a special cat back pack strapped to his front. 

“Welcome home... look Alley Cat, your regular human slave is home... yeah Bruce of all people got it for her” 

“Bird boy heard I clipped your wings, sorry about that” 

“Yeah... well... they gave me the GOOD drugs so... you’re kinda forgiven” 

“Alpine!” 

She loved Bucky more than me, I’d created a back story for her that she’d been a Russian princess in a previous life, which is why she responded so positively when Bucky whispered to her in Russian. It made me feel better. Like right now when she purred loudly as soon as he approached Sam for a half hug to him, half fuss to Alpine. It would probably take her weeks to even acknowledge that I existed again. 

“Oh... Savannah... there’s stuff for Alpine in your Jeep... we... would like her to come back to visit soon so we’re keeping the things you brought when you left her here... and by we I mean ‘The Alpine Rogers Fan Club’” 

“Ok... then... I think” 

I didn’t go to the Penthouse I knew if I sat down there I wouldn’t wanna leave again so I headed straight to the parking garage. 

“You really have to go?” 

“I’m only in Brooklyn and now you’re awake...” 

He was loading my case into the trunk, Alpine was strapped to his front now “You... you know when I was... asleep... I knew you were close... I could feel it, I couldn’t see you and I don’t remember dreaming of you but I remember feeling warm and safe... wherever I was... and warm and safe is how you always made me feel... even when I was... watching you... thinking you were married to Steve... can you not stay? Just for a while... not for... naked sex parties but... come be my... spoon... Steve and Sam make for terrible bed mates... and one night is not enough to make up for all the weeks I missed waking up with you in my arms” 

“What’s with the sap Barnes?” 

“Can man... not tell woman he loves her and missed her... terribly?” 

He’s strapped Alpine in the front seat. 

“I suppose...” once again I let him pin me to my Jeep and kiss me with wild abandon “...oh... hang on... these are yours...” I slip his dog tags from around my neck and back around his “... much better” 

“Where’s your moon dust necklace?” 

“Did I tell you how much I love that? And that I in no way cried when I opened it... and I missed you terribly too... it’s in the box on the kitchen counter... I think you should put it on me... and I think you should do that...” 

“While wearing the hat?” 

“Oh yes Sargent Barnes... THE... HAT” 

I grab him by the front of his sweater and pull him close enough to kiss one last time before I get in the Jeep and head back to Brooklyn.


	23. say a prayer but let the good times roll in case God doesn’t show

I thought the world would look different. I mean I look different, I feel different. I went to a secret African country and yet Brooklyn looks the same as it did when I left. The only way it feels different is the fact it’s cooler than when I left. It’s now early October. 

I park up, leave my case in the Jeep, I’ll drag it upstairs later and head into my apartment with Alpine. 

The front door is unlocked. 

Shit. 

Robbed. 

What am I supposed to do? Call the police before I enter? No... wait, a break in would be just that, the door isn’t broken it’s just unlocked. Probably Jed. 

“Jed? ... and if you’re not Jed I’ve got a knife...” wait... honestly I told him I needed a couple of hours at least “... Barnes? For Christ sake man... as much as I love you I...” 

“Hello Sweetheart... welcome home” 

“Mom?” 

She’s stood in my kitchen, it looks like she’s been here... a while. 

“Come hug your mother then” 

Although I’m shocked I am pleased to see her, it’s been almost a year... everyone misses their Mom right? “Why are you here? Is everything... ok?” She relaxes her boa constrictor grip on me 

“Everything is fine... I was heading up state to watch the leaves turn and figured I’d stop by, do some laundry” 

“I don’t have a machine” 

“Yes... maybe it’s about time you admit you’re staying here seeing as you own it and actually buy yourself a set... I know you’ve got the money... I opened your mail”

“MOM” 

“You were gone... I didn’t want your power to get cut off because you didn’t pay your bill... and you’ve got over half a million dollars in your checking account? I know this place cleared you out and you are a fabulous tattooist but not half a million dollars in less than two years fabulous” 

“I can explain...” 

“I’m all ears” 

The kitchen window slides open “I know... I know... but...” he’s halfway in the window, in full forties dress uniform including the... hat... “... Oh... hello...” he loses his balance and topples on to the kitchen floor in a heap... somehow the hat remains on his head 

“Oh god...” Alpine is sitting on the dining table looking at us like we’re idiots “... are you... ok?” 

“Yup... yup...” I help him off the floor, he’s not wearing gloves... which is of course the first thing my Mom notices, her eyes go wide “... sorry I didn’t realise you had company or were expecting company...” 

“Bucky...” this is going to be terrible “... this is my Mom... Janis” 

“You’re not old enough to be her Mother surely...” he takes her hand gently “... James Buchanan Barnes of the hundred and seventh at your service ma’am” 

My Mom, forgets the metal hand momentarily and straight up giggles “... Savannah I thought your beaus name was... Bucky?” 

“This IS Bucky...” 

“Yeah I’m Bucky...” 

“Well hello Bucky... I always was fond of a man in uniform...” 

“MOM... Bucky go... change... please” 

“Yup... yup...” he scurries off in the direction of my bedroom closing the door behind him 

“I have... A LOT of questions... firstly, why are you SO tanned?” 

“His... rehab was in a southern state?” 

“Uh huh and why is he in nineteen forties dress uniform... is it a... sex thing?” 

“MOM” 

“No need to be embarrassed... me and your father...” 

I put my hands over my ears “I CAN’T HEAR YOU...” 

“He has a metal hand... don’t think I didn’t notice that...” 

“I told you he was... wounded in action... and modern prosthetics are...” 

“Not that... fancy” 

“Mom... come sit... come sit down” She sat in the arm chair, me on the couch, Bucky emerging looking like a twenty first century boyfriend and sitting beside me “I’m... I’m gonna tell her... it’s only fair...” 

“I knew it! Pregnant... I mean you’re... glowing” 

“No Mom... still not pregnant... Bucky is.. or rather was... erm...” 

He looks her dead in the eye, totally straight faced “I’m ninety six years old” 

“Oh... he’s a comedian...” 

“No Mom... he’s telling the truth... he fought in World War Two... with erm... Captain America” 

My Mom gasps “Vampire?” 

“No ma’am captured and... frozen... much like Steve... I lost my arm... this is the... replacement” he hold his left hand up wriggling his fingers 

“Aven... Avenger?” 

“Avenger... adjacent... but I am now... retired” 

“Oh boy... Savannah you always could pick them... look... she’s... I mean she looks... great... so” 

“She always does...” I roll my eyes and he nudges me

“Are you happy Savannah?” 

“Very much so Mom” 

“Then that’s all I need... do I want to know how you two met and why you have half a million dollars?” 

“Alleyway and favour for Tony Stark?” 

“Good enough... let’s go get lunch... come on I’m starving... Bucky you pick...” 

“Oh I’ll eat anything” 

“Yeah and he means that... Mexican with the dinosaurs?” 

His eyes lights up “YES PLEASE... I mean whatever is fine” 

———

If last nights dinner was... awkward. This lunch is down right humiliating, for me anyway. My Mom makes small talk for five minutes then has three LARGE margaritas in quick succession and starts telling Bucky EVERY embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. 

Bucky of course thinks it’s hilarious, he laughs so hard at one point I think he’s gonna choke on his third burrito. 

“You... eat a lot?” My Mom looks half drunk, half confused after his second jumbo plate of nachos 

“I have a... enhanced metabolism... Sav you gonna eat that?”I shake my head and he grabs my plate, inhaling the spicy rice I’d left at the bottom of my burrito Buddha bowl. 

The bill comes and I reach into my purse but he’s already put his card down. I glare at him and go to open my mouth but my Mom silences me. 

“Stop being stubbornly independent and let your man buy us lunch Savannah... I know I raised you right but Bucky here is from a different time... right?” 

“Right? She never lets me pay...” 

“Because you have no concept of modern finance... come on... we’ll drop Mom at home to sleep off the booze and I’ll drive you back to the Tower” 

“Tower? Stark Tower? I’m coming too” 

“Mom... you’ll only see the parking garage” 

“Don’t care” 

She falls asleep in the back seat, then wakes up as Africa by Toto comes on the radio and starts singing, badly. She’s more or less sober by the time we roll into the garage. And there’s a... welcoming party? Tony and Steve are waiting as I pull into the space next to Bucky’s bike. 

“How did they...”

“Sorry Doll...” Bucky shrugs and waves his phone at me

“Oh GOD” I groan loudly as she gets out of the car before I can stop her. 

“Mrs Rogers it’s an absolute pleasure... welcome to Stark Tower... I’m Iron Man but you can call me Tony” 

They’re lined up like people waiting to meet the Queen of England. Tony is even wearing a tie. 

“It’s MS Rogers and you can call me Janis...” 

As Steve shakes her hand she once again straight up giggles “Janis it’s a pleasure... I can’t tell you how invaluable Savannah has been to us over the past few months...” 

“Well obviously I did something right in raising her...” 

“You look... familiar, have we met before?” 

“You’ve not met ME but you met my mother... Savannah’s grandmother... in the forties, in London during the war” 

“I did?... I DID... she was called... Natalie? About yay high? Blonde with a liking for bright red lipstick?” 

“That’s the one...” 

“What the hell you never told me that?” 

“Well your Gramps didn’t like to be reminded that he nearly lost his intended to... Captain America” 

“YOU MADE OUT WITH MY... GRANDMOTHER?” 

“Sorry?” 

“Oh my god... Mom... get in the car... home... gentlemen” 

“Any time you wanna visit Janis... Savannah has a pass to get in the building...” 

“Oh I’m sure she does Tony... I think this evening I’m going to find out exactly what else my daughter hasn’t been telling me” 

“Car... NOW” she clambers back in the Jeep, in the passenger seat this time “... sorry I’ve always had to be the... adult... Steve I’ll deal with you... later... Tony...” 

“MISS Rogers” 

“Buck...” Steve and Tony wave goodbye to my Mom and head towards the exit “... gimme a couple of days... no offence but...” 

“Not a problem... spend time with your Mom... also you’re NOT pregnant right?” 

“No Buck” 

“Phew... I mean... it wouldn’t be a bad thing? But just...” 

“I’ll see you soon ok...” I kiss his cheek and lean close to his ear “... and I’m sorry she interrupted the... hat... it’s a VERY good look... love you” 

“Love you more weirdo...” 

———

Thankfully she doesn’t give me the third degree anymore or rather I distract her with questions on her travels and demands she shows me photos to stop her from doing so. Do I have photos from Bucky’s rehab? No. Well I do but she will never see them. 

We have a light dinner of takeout noodles, when she has another couple of glasses of wine. I don’t. She asks me again if I’m pregnant... no not pregnant I’ve just got a... plan... 

Around nine she goes to shower, at ten I find her snoring in the middle of my bed. I WAS gonna take the couch but... I’ve got a better idea. A plan. The reason I declined the wine. I leave her a note and sneak out of the apartment. 

I roll up to Penthouse Two at just gone eleven... and catch Steve making out with a nerdy looking guy on the couch. 

“Sorry... sorry...” 

“Savannah, Robbie... Robbie Savannah...” 

“S’up... is he...” 

“Yeah... I got him... noise cancelling headphones” 

I roll my eyes and push open Bucky’s door, he doesn’t immediately look up, he’s sat up in bed, look of total concentration on his face, eyes focused on his lap. Oh god... I’ve caught my boyfriend jerking off... wait... both hands are in his lap... and there’s a light? Porn... I’ve caught him watching porn... he’s got his headphones on. What should I do? Cough? 

“Ah hem...” no response “... Buck?” nothing, so I wave my arms “SARGENT BARNES” 

“GODDAMIT... fuck you Wario...” finally he looks up “Hey weirdo...” 

“Mario Kart?” 

“Yeah...” he holds up a Nintendo Switch “... borrowed it from Steve...” 

“Take your headphones off...” 

“Oh right... sorry... is he still making out with the science department of NYU?” 

“Yup” 

“Why are you still standing over there? Come... come... are you...” he looks me up and down as I cross over the room toward the bed “...already in your pyjamas?” 

“Yeah, I drove over in them... not really in the mood for taking them off either...” 

He pulls back the sheets for me to slip under next to him “... that’s probably for the best... I think I ate too many burritos even for me... I might literally have a food baby this time...” 

“Pyjama spooning party?” 

“Perfect” 

We don’t spoon, instead I sling myself across him, I like to pet his chest hair, it’s a comfort thing, when he was the... soldier HYDRA would wax it, it made it easier to attach things to his chest so now he refused to manscape it at all, and I was more than happy about it. 

“Sorry about my crazy Mother” 

“What are you talking about? She’s awesome... I don’t really remember mine...” 

“I wonder if she’d have liked me?” 

“Everyone likes you... you’re beautifully weird... and not that I’ll ever complain about you coming over but... why? Did you... you snuck out didn’t you?” 

“I let her have my bed... I was gonna sleep on the couch then I realised that there’s a very comfy bed and a warm body to lay against... why would I stay on the couch when I could come here?” 

“Tell me a secret?” 

Bucky LOVES this, we have the maddest most non coherent conversations at bedtime. Just total nonsense, he says it’s when I’m at my most honest. And before his sleeping pills knock him out he gets slightly... loopy. 

“Oh... well once I was super drunk and couldn’t get my keys in the lock to get in and I needed to pee SO BAD... so I went down the side of the house and peed down there... then I thought I better wash it away so I turned on the hose and my Mom caught me and I told her I’d thrown up because I ate something bad?” 

“Fantastic” he kisses the top of my head 

“Your turn” 

He yawns “Whatever secrets I had I forgot... I’m sure they were pretty lame... FRIDAY lights out” 

We’re laid in darkness... well as dark as it gets in here “Buck?” 

“Yeah...” 

“No more dramas?” 

“No more dramas Savannah... just you... me... and...” 

“And what?... Bucky?...Buck...” his grip on me loosens and he starts lightly snoring moments later. 

———

I sneak out while he’s still asleep, this seems to be my ‘calling card’ of this year. Sneaking out while people I love sleep. There’s a hella awkward elevator ride down as I leave the same time as Steve’s... Robbie. He’s glued to his phone. I ask him if he needs a ride and he declines. As I pull out of the garage I see a brand new town car picking him up. Fucking hipsters man, they look like hobos but everything they wear is Gucci. 

Before I go back up to my apartment and face the wrath of my Mom for sneaking out to see my boyfriend I stop in the store. Check emails, make sure everything is ready for when I open the doors again. 

I’m sat behind the high counter when I hear the bell and curse myself for not locking the door behind me. 

“Sorry we’re closed” 

“You’re back?” 

I stand up to see a pissed looking Jed “I’m back? OH SHIT... I didn’t tell you... I’m back... sorry” 

“Where the fuck have you been?” 

“A... SOUTHERN state” 

“Uh huh... well you look like you took a month long vacation to the Bahamas... and you’ve clearly lost some weight... is he... is Bucky...” 

“Bucky is... back to his normal Bucky self thankfully... a little bit... crazy and eating everything in sight... also...sorry... again... I got... distracted” 

“Sweetie I’d be banging that like a screen door in a hurricane too” 

“OH MY GOD... no... not... that.. my Mom is here” 

“Oh... oh SHIT... how busted did you get?” 

“Oh it was bad... my face has only stopped being beet red after she downed some margs and told Bucky EVERYTHING” 

“Well... big news here” 

He held up his left hand, at first I thought he was showing me his manicure, then I noticed “Shit the bed Jed for realskis? You’ve only been together like six months...” 

“I think you mean congratulations and I’m a gay man we either are total commitment phobes or have a U-Haul ready to go after the third date” 

“And I’m guessing Bryan is the... latter” 

“You would guess right... unlike SOME...” 

“I have a very healthy relationship thank you...” 

“Uh huh... anyway you’ll be my matron of dishonour right?” 

“Seriously?”

“SERIOUSLY... and no you don’t have to wear a skirt... Bucky has to... he’s flower girl”


	24. they say your head can be a prison, then these are just conjugal visits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bonus chapter  
> let’s take a peak in Bucky’s brain shall we...

My name is James Buchanan Barnes. And I am safe. 

My name is James Buchanan Barnes. And I am not a prisoner. 

My name is James Buchanan Barnes. And I am free. 

Regan makes me say this at the end of each therapy session I have. It’s called positive affirmation. 

Therapy. In the olden days you just... got on with it... 

But therapy is the least weird thing to happen this year. 

Over the past twelve months I’ve been physically and mentally glued together; again. 

That’s nothing, I’m used to that. 

No the weirdest thing is that somehow, me, the man that was the worlds finest assassin for fifty years has found a woman that despite that, loves me. 

Even though I’m a relic from the past. She still loves me. 

Even though my presence in her life got her literally shot. She still loves me. 

Even though I left her for six weeks, lost my mind and she ended up in Wakanda while I slept for three weeks. She still loves me. 

Why isn’t Steve doing the same? Why is he zipping from person to person? Does he not know how great it is? To have wild crazy loving funny fantastic sex, with just ONE person? To have that same person in your life for deep meaningful dumb nonsense conversation? To wake up next to that same person and realise it’s real life and you didn’t just dream them? 

Also why is he dressing like an old man? 

Savannah Daisy Rogers is my most favourite ever thing slash person. And I’m a hundred percent sure that even if I did have all my memories intact she still would be. She is worth everything I went through. What if I hadn’t ‘died’? I’d never have known her. I try not to think on it too much. 

Where is she anyway? She was definitely here when I went to sleep. She had her pyjamas with the cactus print on. 

“Stevie?” 

“Yeah bud?” He’s stuck his head round the doorway. 

“Savannah?” 

“You alright?” 

“She was here?” 

“Yeah... she was... she probably left to go back to see her Mom... check your cell... sure you’re OK?” 

“Yeah... just... takes a while for my brain to put stuff in order when I first wake up...” 

“Oh well... come get something to eat”

“Ugh I’ll get something later... I’m kind of over making small talk with your... people”

“Oh he’s gone... and unlike Savannah I doubt I’ll get a text... so...”

“Be right there” 

Cell... where is my cell? When did I last have it? I’m the very definition of the saying ‘I’ve slept since then’ as I lean over to check the pocket of my pants from yesterday it falls off the bed and on to the floor. Please don’t say I’m gonna need another one? Nope... no damage done, it’s even still got some charge left. 

07:23 S. Rogers (the hot one): Sorry for sneaking out. Catch you on the flip side Barnes. 

Flip side? What’s a flip side? Flip like... in the air? Is it bad... 

“Buck?” He’s back in my doorway 

“Yeah...” 

“Breakfast” 

“What’s a flip side?” 

“Oh I think it’s slang for see you later” 

08:56 J. Barnes (frosty the snowman): I’ll flip you later Rogers 

08:57 S. Rogers (the hot one): you asked Steve what flip side meant didn’t you? 

08:58 J. Barnes (frosty the snowman): no... talk to you later Doll, things to do 

Steve’s actually cooked breakfast. As in things I like to eat. Not that... health food stuff. Yes I am aware cheeseburgers for breakfast probably isn’t good... for the average person. I am not average. 

“Why are you so determined to bone your way around the world?” 

“Just get straight to the point Buck why don’t you... eat your bacon” 

“But why...” 

“Because I’m not gonna look... like this forever... gotta make the most of it” 

“Just find one person Steve... one” 

“Why are you so concerned about it?” 

“Because... because I’m gonna leave you... soon and I don’t want you to be alone” 

“I live in a tower of people, and where are you going?” 

“Brooklyn...” 

“Oh... oh... are you gonna... live with Savannah?” 

“It may be the twenty first century and things have changed but I’d like to be married before I live with her... OFFICIALLY... at least that’s MY thoughts on the matter... but no I’m...” 

“Buck... I mean this in the best possible way but you’ve only been yourself for a short time and the world is full of... people... and...” 

“No... I don’t want anyone else... in every conceivable... what was it Stark said... in every... version of my life... there’s a version of her... and I guarantee in every version of reality I’d want that reality’s version of her”

“They’re big words Buck” 

“Yeah well... YOLO... and no... I told you I’m gonna open a repair shop... I’ll live there too” 

“You...”

“I’m sure Stevie... if I’d have made it home from war in the forties I’d have come to the conclusion that’s what I wanted to do... I’m gonna talk to Miss Potts see if she can recommend a... person who sells property” 

“A realtor?”

“Yes... and yes I’ll still come for therapy and yes you can still track me and yes I’ll still take my meds”

“It’s just... a lot... but I will support you, we all will” 

———

I’m BORED. 

I know, no more... drama... 

I’m all caught up on movies, television, music, for now anyway. And I THINK I’ve defined my taste. Action, sci-fi for viewing, and either loud or as Sam says “emo” for listening to. 

Whatever Steve and Sam are up to I don’t wanna get involved. 

For now. 

Go annoy girlfriend? 

No girlfriend is with her Mom. 

Fuck it. Go annoy girlfriend AND Mom. 

A lot has changed but the road between Manhattan and Brooklyn hasn’t. I take the bike as I think Janis will get a kick out of it. Unlike like her daughter who called it a ‘vintage mechanical death trap’. I’ll be polite and... like a regular person and take the front door as opposed to the window. 

I find them on the middle floor, in the centre of all the boxes. 

Savannah has a plastic bag covering her hair. 

“Ladies...” 

“Bucky! Just in time... I was looking for something and found Savannah’s school photos” 

“Mom no... Bucky... Bucky don’t look...” 

“Savannah you are beautiful I’m sure you’ve always been beautiful... I mean you even look beautiful with a bag on your head, why have you got a bag on your head?” 

“Hair dye...” 

I’m handed a photo of a much younger Savannah, I’ve seen photographs like this, we didn’t have individual photos taken at school, we had a whole school photo once a year that was hung up inside the school. She’s got very short hair, very short, it’s shaved at the sides and sticking up on top, also it’s bright bright red. It’s... wonderful. 

“As you can see she’s never been a stranger to the bottle... hair dye bottle that is... in fact... throughout high school she has a different hair colour each photo see?” 

Black, green, yellow, purple, pink, orange... all different styles but the same beautiful face offering an awkward smile is visible in all of them “So cute” 

“Oh my god... here’s her baby pics... she liked to sleep ass up...” 

A photo of Savannah on a sheepskin rug in front of a fire is handed to me, she’s face down, ass up, mouth hanging open in sleep, blonde curls hanging from her head. 

“She doesn’t sleep like that anymore... I don’t think...” 

“I do not... did you get bored?” 

“I’ll go... put some coffee on... Bucky I was going to go grab some subs for lunch... will you be staying?” 

“If that’s alright?” Both Janis and Savannah nod “... in that case yes please” 

Once Janis has disappeared from view I put the photos down and how did Savannah describe it ‘get all up in her business’? I can’t help it, she’s irresistible to me... warm, soft, inviting... and not just her... sexual organs... although they are an added bonus. 

“So...” I won’t let her out of my grips so she wriggles till she gets comfy “... BIG NEWS...” I move slightly and the bag on her head rustles “...careful you’ll end up blue” 

“I’d rather be... blown” oral sex is... I mean... why did no one tell me? When I went to war it was something hookers did for a couple of dollars. And now? I have to concentrate super hard to not... get over excited the second she puts her lips to my dick. And as for giving HER head? Being able to feel her warm soft thighs close to my face? Watch as she... squirms... tugging my hair...? Teasing that metal stud she’s got down there? The warm sweet wetness that floods on to my tongue and knowing I did that? Amazing. 

“Mind... gutter...” 

“You’re so sexy though” 

“I’ve got a bag on my head and I’m in my lazy pants” 

“Perhaps that’s my kink? Yes... I’ve worked it out... now...” I move her and push her down on the floor, pinning her arms down at her sides and lean in to kiss her, she tastes like... home. Menthol cigarettes, vanilla lip salve... is my dick... oh... shit... no not now... go down... go down. I break away from her and pull her up from the floor 

“You... ok?” 

She looks worried “Yeah... I guess I really do have a thing for the bag on your head...” 

She laughs, it’s this wonderfully loud, chest wobbling laugh. Don’t look at them, don’t look at them, they’re hypnotic when they wobble I swear they have magical powers. 

“ANYWAY...” she’s off the floor and out of my reach, only now she’s bending over a box. This is not helping the situation. That ass is like... my fingers just sink into it. I could just... over the box... nope nope Mom upstairs... have some decorum Barnes “... like I was saying BIG NEWS” 

“Big news...” her shirt is riding up slightly and I can see her... what did she call it? ‘tramp stamp’ it’s a dinosaur, a bright green dinosaur with a speech bubble that says ‘all my friends are dead’. I know what you mean pal “... what big news?” 

“Jed’s getting MARRIED” 

“Married?” 

“Yup you know two people swear to love each other forever... married” 

“Can two men... get married?” 

“They can now... AND...I am going to be matron of dishonour” 

“I don’t know what that means” 

“Like chief bridesmaid but more... me AND...” she does a drum roll on the box she’s nearest, rhythm is not her strong point “... YOU James Buchanan Barnes get to be flower girl” she clicks her fingers and points them in my direction 

“REALLY?” I’m not entirely sure what a flower girl is, and I’m certain it doesn’t mean I actually have to become a girl but... people want to INCLUDE ME... me in their special days? 

“Yup... I mean if you want to...” 

“Of course I want to... can I... can... do you think I could wear one of those crowns like in the memes of Steve?” 

“Oh I think they’ll be counting on it” 

I hear footsteps coming down the stairs again “Coffee is in the pot... I’m going to Subway... Bucky do you have a preference I mean Savannah will have...” 

“... veggie meatballs on Italian?...” in a world where sandwich possibilities are endless she always has the same thing “... foot long... Doll what’s the one I like?” 

“Chicken and bacon ranch melt” 

“Yes... that’s it... with the works... please... better make it two... here I’ll give you my card...” 

“No need... it’s on me...” She’s pulling her coat on and vanishing down the stairs before I can object. 

“I need to rinse... you staying down here on coming to shower with me? I mean I can’t promise you won’t get out looking like a Smurf...” 

“I don’t know what a Smurf IS but yes please” 

She pulls me up from the floor. Kisses my cheek and walks away, hips swaying. I am going to marry this woman. All I have to do is persuade her to marry me. What did she say, a year? Then she’d ‘talk’ about it? 

“Come one then Sargent... hustle that ass” 

“Yes ma’am”


	25. I swear I’d burn the city down to show you the light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halloween came... late?

My Mom stays one more night. I stay on the couch. No Bucky. He leaves us to it late afternoon. After proudly showing my Mom his vintage mechanical death trap. She loves it. 

He went a bit... odd. I mean even for him. One minute he’s following me to the bathroom ready to get in the shower with me, the next he’s out the door saying he’ll go help my Mom at Subway. I don’t know what it was all about. But I figure he lost his Mom a long time ago, I don’t mind sharing mine, there’s enough of her crazy to go round. 

Before I reopen the store I send Jed on the piercing qualification course. While he’s there I go to the antiques mall and find some vintage dressing screens so he can pierce in (semi) private. It’s not a permanent solution but for now it’s fine. 

Then I spend the remainder of the day in bed with Bucky, just because I can. Because I missed him when he slept. I missed him when he was on the mission that led to Wakanda. I’ve got nine weeks of... sex to catch up on. I’m a person that worries the sex will become... routine... and boring. Yet it never seems to. And we read each other’s needs so well. Sometimes it’s soft and gentle, so loving, sometimes he’s tossing me around the room, pulling my hair, bending me over hard surfaces, bruising my skin and then there’s the lazy morning spooning sex. I wonder what his number is? People always say mine is low, barely reaching double digits, but that’s a sexuality. I don’t think on it too much. He wants to have sex with ME (for now) and I am very much going to enjoy every moment. Apart from the time he got cum in my eye, that was zero fun and almost a trip to the ER. 

The next thing I do before I open the store is go to Party City and drop a ludicrous amount of money on Halloween nonsense. Because I LOVE Spooky Season. So much. And now I have my own ‘place’ to decorate for my most sacred of holidays. I’m gonna go crazy with it. 

I’m up a ladder securing a twelve foot skeleton to the drainpipe at the side of the store when I hear Bucky’s stupid bike. Jed is SUPPOSED to be holding the ladder but he’s actually texting Bryan. 

“Jed! Congratulations man...” I look down to see Bucky hugging Jed after he’s gotten off his bike “... I won’t let you down... I’m very excited to be... a flower... girl” 

“Well you’re welcome... and you’re... better?” 

“As I’ll ever be... Hey Doll what’s happening?” 

“It’s Halloween” 

He looks confused. 

“Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it... the hardcore girls just wear lingerie and some form of animal ears...” 

“Jed I doubt Bucky’s seen Mean Girls” 

“I’m a mouse duh... and BOO you whore... Mean Girls? Don’t tell anyone this... EVER but it’s Natasha’s favourite movie” 

“I swear on my life” 

“I’ve got this... Doll you don’t need Jed anymore” 

“I’ll finish up Jed... back to normal tomorrow” 

“Sure thing boss...” he gives me a little salute and wanders off down the street, still texting. I hope he doesn’t get knocked down before his wedding. 

“Halloween wasn’t a big thing in the forties...” 

“Well... buckle up Bucky... for I am then QUEEN OF THE WEEN” 

“So I see... I think... you need a hand up there?” 

“Nah I’m done... can you hold the ladder steady while I come down please?” I slip on the second to last wrung, my own fault for not wearing better gripped shoes. He puts his metal arm out and catches me so I don’t slam into the sidewalk “Sargent Barnes it would seem I’m falling for you” 

“Are you ok?” 

“Yup... yup... hey... hello... come inside let me show you my decorations” I lead him by the hand into the store, the ladder can wait. I’ve hung orange and black tinsel and skull shaped string lights around, I’ve got monster bobble heads on the counter, a Happy Halloween banner hangs in the window. I’ll buy some pumpkins nearer the time “... what do you think?” 

“I like it better than the tower, the decorations there are too... fancy... what do... I mean what’s the Halloween plan?”

“Well...” I’m packing up the chaos ready to open tomorrow “... I’m gonna hand candy out to kids from the store, now Jed can pierce I want to seem family friendly... it’s good for business... you? I mean I bet Tony has some grand party planned?”

“If he does I don’t care... handing out candy sounds amazing” 

“You’ll have to dress up” 

“Can we wear matching outfits again?”

“Yes... BUT it’s my turn to pick”

October seems to pass in a blur. I’m SO busy at work, I wonder why because I’ve been kind of flaky this year when it comes to keeping appointments, thanks Bucky, I find out though that Tony Stark, for whatever Tony based reason had posted a pic of my store on his ‘official’ Instagram and named me as tattooist and piercer to The Avengers, even though I’ve never been near any of them with a needle, yet. 

Bucky makes Steve a deal. If Steve stops fucking around for the month and he doesn’t have to make small talk with his many over night guests Bucky will spend more time with him before he starts the process of finding a property for his repair shop. Time that includes NO, in his words, ‘superhero shit’, just those two doing... whatever... they did in the past just now in this century. I’m kind of glad about this deal because work exhausts me and I suffer my yearly slide into depressed tiredness as the days get shorter. I’d rather see Bucky on the days I’m slightly less lethargic. 

We still fit in all the wonderful October things I love though. I buy him his first pumpkin spice latte after he saw signs for them at Dunkin and got oh so confused by it, thought it was a drink that came in a pumpkin. He loves it though. He loves it a little too much. One day he has a PSL from each coffee chain that’s offering them, obviously in the largest size they offer, he then doesn’t sleep for over twenty four hours. Steve thinks he’s having some kind of... brain problem as he’s literally vibrating, calls me and I have to go to the tower at four am just to find out he’s just hugely over caffeinated, this is also the night he discovers Guitar Hero and I somehow manage to get a couple of hours sleep while he strums away, badly, to More Than a Feeling by Boston. On repeat.

I decide for him that I will not take him to a haunted house, or hayride, or maze or anything like that fearing it’ll go one of two ways...   
one - being a former covert operative he’ll know everything that’s about to happen and it’ll be lost on him   
or   
two - being a former covert operative, with a metal arm, people are gonna jump out at him and he’s gonna smash their faces when his instinct kicks in 

I introduce him to horror movies. Slowly. We start with kids stuff, mostly animated, Hotel Transylvania, Monster House, Monsters Inc. I don’t want to show him anything that will cause a trigger, but he insists it’s fine. Slasher movies he gets frustrated with because ‘why are you running that way? he’ll get you... go the other way... THE OTHER WAY oh my god you’re so dumb, that’s what’s gonna kill you, lady in a nightgown... STUPIDITY’. He accepts the original Halloween as classic though. 

We sit through the Exorcist, he’s more horrified (being raised Catholic) at the use of religious imagery for the sake of horror. He gets bored with anything like Insidious or Drag Me to Hell, Paranormal Activity, unless he can SEE the scary thing he’s not bothered, for now.

I stay away from stuff that’s just gory for the sake of gore. He doesn’t need to see it. Plus anything with any kind of human experimentation, he doesn’t need to see that either. 

We move on to adult monster movies. And for someone with night terrors he’s fine with Freddy Kruger and we end of watching all of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. He’s in awe of An American Werewolf in London, especially when I explain none of the effects are computerised. 

Monster Squad he loves because it reminds him of Stranger Things, Peter got him into that and then got lectured by me AND Steve seeing as it’s about secret government agencies doing experiments on enhanced humans. Bucky doesn’t bat an eyelid though and develops a very large crush on Steve Harrington, didn’t we all Buck, didn’t we all. 

We don’t really get into Vampire movies so much, I mean vampires are nothing new. But I make note to get him to watch Lost Boys, it’s not only peak eighties but also the supreme Vampire movie, in my opinion anyway. 

He asks me what horror movies actually scare me, can we watch them together? I think he’s hoping I’ll hide up his sweater, and it’ll be... romantic. So I put on Blair Witch Project, and HE hides behind his hands and refuses to go to the bathroom in the dark for a week afterwards, he’s turning lights on, checking behind doors, it really gets under his skin. 

The Ring has a similar effect and after we watch it he throws a blanket over the TV in my bedroom ‘just in case she comes crawling out Doll’.

The final horror movie we watch the night before Halloween itself is Candyman. I wasn’t going to show him it, I mean, the guy has a hook for a hand. I thought he’d find it in bad taste. This time it’s me who’s freaked out far too much and won’t look in a mirror for the rest of the night. So he finally gets his wish and I snuggle right up to him in bed and stay there all night ‘just in case Buck’. 

I take him pumpkin picking, it’s straight up adorable as he chooses the ugliest most lopsided pumpkins they have. Then nearly chops off his other hand trying to carve them ‘I’m a trained assassin, I could take your eye out from half a mile away... fuck you pumpkin... fuck you’. I find him a tutorial on pumpkin carving on YouTube, which leads me to discover no one has told him about YouTube. Or music videos, not sure how he’s missed that one, it’s enthralling to him ‘the videos tell the stories that the songs do Sav’. I lose him for a whole day because he’s fallen down a YouTube rabbit hole of ASMR videos. He has a special fondness for watching bars of soap being cut into tiny pieces. He explains that it kind of captures the true difference in the centuries, a bar of soap in the forties was almost a luxury item, nowadays, people are cutting them up for fun. 

He tries to persuade me into dressing as Rey so he can dress as Kylo Ren, which... no... I need to promote my business and hand out candy to CHILDREN without wanting my boyfriend to force choke me all night. What about Princess Leia? Not the gold bikini but then I can be Han Solo? He says. This sends me into a spiral of ideas for nerdy sex pretending we’re on the Millennium Falcon. So that idea is out the window, but not... forever... 

Despite it not being a horror movie we watch the movie I want to base our costumes on. 

Then to find our costumes we go to the thrift out on the Highway. 

This BLOWS his mind. 

“So explain it to me again...” he’s got an iced PSL this time, but only a Grande sized, he’s vowed never to have Trenti again, ever. 

“People donate their old clothes to this store... the store sells them and the profits go to charity” 

“People throw away clothes?” 

“Yes” 

“We just sewed ours...” 

I am a thrift store junkie. It just makes sense to me. Especially for work jeans as I splash ink everywhere even when I’m trying not to. 

“It’s better for the environment to recycle clothing as opposed to it ending up in landfill” 

“I see...” 

It takes him about five minutes to get his head round the idea and then he’s grabbed the cart and he’s away. I get lucky and find exactly what we need, and by the time I’ve caught up with him the cart is piled high with soft worn vintage logo T-shirt’s, faded jeans, and he’s wearing a Members Only jacket...

“Steve Harrington... vibes?” 

“Definitely...” he wanders off and I grab his leather jacket that he’d hung up to try the jacket on, it’s Hugo Boss so I better not leave it behind, especially as it’s got his wallet and phone in the pockets. 

I find him again in the homeware section. 

“I am coming here again...” he’s holding a waffle maker that produces waffles in the shape of the Death Star, it goes in the cart “... you got everything you need?” 

“Yup” 

“Can I drive ho... back to your apartment?” 

“No” 

“Please? I’m much better now... I’ll pay for... this...” 

“Erm... most of it is yours anyway... ok but you’ll pay for the damages to my Jeep” 

He tells the clerk at the checkout to double the total, which he does, Bucky then tells him to round it up and hands over two hundred dollars in cash. 

“I love it... I love that place... my sister would’ve loved it too, she loved pretty dresses, not that we could afford them...” he’s loading bags in the trunk, I brought my own reusable ones that will go in the wash with the clothes we’ve bought “... thanks Doll...” he kisses my cheek “... for this month... I know I’ve not been around a lot...” 

“You’ve been around plenty... I’m sorry I’ve been so wiped out” 

“It’s... life right?... normal... wonderful life... and I’m honoured you chose to spend it with me” 

“Yeah ok Barnes... enough with the sap... you can still drive home” Pulling out of the parking lot is fine, turning on to the highway is fine, driving on the highway has me gripping the sides of my seat “Jesus Christ man... you may have a ‘special’ license but you’ll still get a ticket... where the fuck did you learn to drive?” 

“Brooklyn” 

“Signal Bucky” he drifts across the lanes and gets honked at 

“Sorry... and... Nazi Germany...” 

“Did you ever drive when...” 

“When I was the other guy? Not cars, not that I remember, but bikes... I think” 

“Ok well... shift gears Buck” 

“Right... Steve’s is an automatic... sorry” my poor gear box grinds 

“No offence but I think you should stick to bikes” 

“Can we get Dunkin on the way?” 

“You literally just finished a coffee in the thrift...” he sticks his bottom lip out “... yes ok... but you’re sleeping at the tower tonight remember... and I refuse to be woken up by Steve because he thinks you’re having some kind of seizure... again” 

“I’ll just get a small” 

He gets a Trenti. Steve can deal with it. 

——— 

I wake up alone on Halloween itself as Bucky has decided that he’s going to be the one to give Sam a Halloween ‘scare’ how he’s going to do this I don’t know and I don’t ask. But I do know that he and Clint have been hiding in various places around the Tower over the past few days and jumping out at people, they got Natasha so good she drew a gun on them. 

I don’t put my costume on as I want to keep it clean for tonight. Instead I wear my usual ‘uniform’ of jeans and a logo work tee and a headband with bats on it. 

We’re busy all day. Mainly because I didn’t have any ‘bookings’ instead I offer a selection of Halloween themed tattoos. There’s thirty one different tattoo designs altogether and they’re a flat thirty one dollars each. I got one of those ticket machines like at the deli counter, people come in and take a number and get called in in that order. It’s so busy that Jed literally feeds me noodles as I work. Maybe I should do this on other ‘holidays’ too? 

We lock up for an hour to go get changed. I’ve got ear piercing discount vouchers to hand out with candy. 

I get out of the shower to find Bucky in my apartment. In costume. 

“Hey... I won’t be long...” He’s sitting on the bed 

“No worries Doll... good day?” 

“Crazy day... would you go to the store and put the trestle table out front? There’s decorations to put out and bowls of candy and...” 

“I got it...” 

“I won’t be long...” 

“Relax...” he’s up off the bed and kisses me... deeply, it knocks the breathe out of me “... I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to this...” 

The longest part of me getting ready is putting the dam wig on, I have too much hair to go under this thing. Next year if I need a wig I’ll just commit fully and cut my damn hair. 

When I get downstairs, fidgeting with my skirt as it’s a little bit shorter than anticipated, Jed has arrived, he’s a lion tamer, apparently the lion is at the Bean. I tell him to scram and go be with the big cat. Me and Bucky can handle this. 

And by handle I mean Bucky trying to inappropriately touch me up, it’s the skirt. 

He’s done an amazing job of the table, he’s even got (from who knows where) dry ice? Please just be dry ice and not part of something in a lab at the Tower that should be in a biohazard bag. 

Bucky hands out candy, I hand out the discount cards to their parents. He makes such a fuss of them all. Some of the costumes are totally lost on him though, apart from a mini Captain America, at which point he loses his shit and pours the remainder of the candy bowl into mini Steve’s candy bag. Same with a mini Black Widow. He takes photos with the mini Falcon, probably to send to the real Falcon. 

“This is... AWESOME...” He’s grabbing more candy from under the table 

“No YOU’RE awesome for helping” 

He kisses me and slaps my butt, a little to hard with his metal hand and goes back to handing out candy. 

By seven the kids become teenagers and I switch the ear piercing discount cards to regular piercing discount cards. Bucky is... bemused by the costumes the teenage girls are wearing. 

“Aren’t you cold?” He asked of a girl in a Harley Quinn costume, then after she’d gone he turned to me “... her Dad let her out of the house looking... like... that? WITHOUT a coat...” 

“Your ninety six is showing” 

“Should I have given her MY coat?” 

“No Bucky...” 

“Hello... Kirby Dots...” I look up to see Steve and Sam “... thought we’d come by” 

“You’re dressed as... yourselves?” 

“Yup...” Steve is beaming “... because no one will suspect we’re the real ones... just think we’re... Sam what’s the word?” 

“Cosplayers” 

“We WERE... well I was going to dress as Lucas Lee but I couldn’t get the eyebrows right... Sam and I are going... bar hopping... care to join after...” a group of Ninja Turtles grab candy from Bucky “...this?” 

“Nah I’m good... unless... Doll you wanna hop around?” 

“No thank you” 

“Well then... have fun you two...” 

“Bucket...” 

“Pigeon Boy” 

They fill their pockets with candy, which I suppose is better than what those pockets are usually filled with, and vanish into the throngs of other costumed people. Steve is either super smart or super dumb for this idea. 

“I’m out of candy” 

“I’m out of cards” 

“Wanna pack this shit up and go have nerdy sex? 

“Yes please... I cannot wait to take this wig off...” 

“Oh no... no no no... Ramona Flowers... the wig stays on and so do those knee highs...” 

“Did I tell you that you make a very good Scott Pilgrim?” He’s taken the hat off as it’s actually pretty warm for the end of October but he’s still in the parka, the zero shirt, sweatbands, and I’ve always loved a man in Adidas shell toes “... thank you...” 

“For?” 

He’s stood behind the table with me, his arm around my waist pulling me tight against him. 

“Probably the best October I’ve ever had?” 

“And one of the only October’s I remember?” 

“Who knows what November will bring?” 

“Sex?” 

“Oh Im sure it will...” we fold the table up and put it inside the store “... you know what I’ll deal with this tomorrow...” 

“I’m in lesbians with you” 

“Bread makes you fat” 

“Bread makes you fat?”


	26. she’s an American beauty, I’m an American psycho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for sexual and physical assault

It must be a year since I found Bucky in the alleyway. 

Jesus my life has changed so much, I went from single pringle to finding a ninety six year old in an alleyway to falling in love with said ninety six year old from the alleyway. 

I mean how long have me and Bucky been ‘together’? When do I count it from? Does it matter? I don’t think it does because when it comes to James Buchanan Barnes time is totally meaningless. 

I’m putting the trash in the dumpster just like that fateful night when a figure approaches me. I assume it’s just Bucky fucking with me, I’m fairly sure he’s around as my apartment lights are on. 

Only it’s not Bucky. 

“Hey Nick you ok? What you doing down here?” 

He doesn’t answer me instead he LUNGES at me, he sends me hurtling backwards and my head smashes against the brick, I don’t need a mirror to know that he’s just split my head open like a coconut. 

“What I’m doing down here Savannah is taking what I’m owed” 

He pushes me again and I lose my footing, landing on my backside and twisting my knee totally the wrong way as I go down. 

“What the fuck?” 

He’s towering over me, fists clenched. 

“I paid for your drinks, I listened to your... problems... you said you didn’t feel attraction... to ANYONE... BUT YET HERE YOU ARE draped all over some... guy... who’s your ‘boyfriend’ and what do I get? Nothing... I’m sick of women like you... you take take take from guys like me and never pay out, but you’re gonna pay out now Savannah... believe me” 

He’s unbuttoning his jeans. What the fuck is happening? I can’t make my brain focus, my head is literally splitting I can feel the blood running down the back of my neck. 

I try to stand up but he connects his fist with the right hand side of my face and I go back down on the ground. Hard. 

I search the ground around me for anything I can use as a weapon but come up empty handed. 

“Nick... I’m sorry... please... please don’t do this...” 

“You’ll be an example Savannah for using cunt women everywhere” 

He pulls my ankles so I’m flat on my back. 

The alleyway is deep and far from the main street so no one would hear me if I shouted, and people these days don’t want to ‘get involved’. 

Please god be in the apartment. 

“B... B... BUCKY” 

He’s hovering over the top of me and clamps his hand over my mouth, I try to bite him but can’t get my mouth open far enough to do so. His other hand is pushing my shirt up. 

I start to shut down. If I just leave my body... I can... pretend it isn’t going to happen. 

I close my eyes tight.

Then where I could feel the heat of his body over mine now I feel the cold November air. 

There’s the sound of a body hitting the floor, hard. 

“Doll... listen to me... stay down” 

I turn my head and see Bucky hastily make his way over to where Nick is trying to get up off the floor. He picks him up, using his metal arm, the hand of which is wrapped tightly around his neck. His feet are way off the floor, legs kicking, Bucky’s got his other fist raised. 

“Bucky...” it comes out as a splutter, there’s blood in my throat, I think he’s broken my nose... he spins back to me and the look in his eyes is... feral, animalistic, his chest is heaving “Don’t... not... not worth it...” 

He drops Nick and he flees from the alleyway. 

Bucky’s making his way back over to me sliding his phone out of his pocket as he walks. 

“No... ambulance” 

“No Doll...” he’s got the phone to his face now “... Steve... Savannah’s been attacked... I’m bringing her in to the Tower... yes she’s conscious... attacker on the run... yup...” he’s on his knees next to me “... hey beautiful” 

“How... how bad is it?” 

“Oh it’s bad... here’s what’s gonna happen... I’m going to pick you up... get you to the car and to the Tower... to medical...”

“Nah I’m good... just... apartment”

“Yeah... you don’t get a say in this” 

Arms are slid underneath my body and I’m lifted from the floor, cradled to his chest. He’s already got a key in his pocket and I’m gently placed on the back seat. 

“My head” I raise my hand to touch where it hurts and my hair is drenched, my hand comes away red and dripping. 

“I know... hang on...” he strips his sweater off and wraps it around my head

“Favourite sweater though” 

“You’re my favourite” He’s in the drivers seat. I’m fairly sure that I should be in the passenger seat if he’s driving but I’m in no condition to argue with him “Stay with me Savannah... stay awake” 

I feel the car start to move “... cold...” 

“I’ll put the heat on...” 

The car fills with hot air and my shivering somewhat subsides “...s..s...sorry” 

“Don’t you dare apologise... you should’ve let me HURT him...”

“...not worth getting arrested for... oh god...” I turn to the side just in time to vomit in the footwell behind the drivers seat 

“I know Doll... I know... won’t take long” 

It really doesn’t. I feel him weave the car in and out of traffic. I plead silently that we don’t get pulled over. The bright lights of the parking garage blind me as he opens the door and lifts me out. I hear Steve but I can’t see him, all I can see is Bucky’s shirt. 

“What the hell?” 

“Not sure... guy stood over her, about to...” his grip on me gets harder and I can feel him shaking 

“I should’ve brought a gurney...” 

“And I wouldn’t have let go of her...” 

“I threw up in my car... hey Steeve” 

“Hey Sav... you hit your head pretty hard by the looks of things” 

“Hurts...” 

“Alright Doll... nearly there...” 

“Did you...” 

“No she stopped me and he ran off” 

“She stopped you? Had you gone into...” 

“No... but it was close... but different... he HURT HER Steve...” 

“Alright Buck... we’ll find him” 

When we get to medical I’m laid out on a bed, I’m starting to feel a bit... giddy... delirious. 

Tony and Helen come into the room I’m in at the same time. 

“Hang on Helen just...” 

“Tony LOOK at her...” 

“I know just...” he bends over so he’s in my field of vision “... hey kiddo... wanna tell me what happened? Because I’m all for putting you in the cradle but you’ve been attacked, we need to take photographic evidence...” 

“I don’t need evidence I just need a weapon” 

“No Buck... you’re going to stay here with her... she needs you...”

“Don’t go Bucky... please” 

“I won’t Doll... I’m right here...” he squeezes my hand 

“We can take photos yes but I need to clean her up so we can see the extent of her injuries...”

“Ok Helen you start with that, kiddo... you... start talking... you want Barnes out of the room?”   
Bucky practically growls “... maybe not... FRIDAY? activate audio recording please” 

“Nick... guy from the bar I go... bartender... said I owed him as he’d paid for my drinks and listened to me talk about my problems and I’d not paid out in return... he knew though... he knew about my sexuality but... I guess wasn’t pleased when he found out I had a... Bucky... I have been punched in the face way too many times this year” 

“PAID OUT? That’s it... Steve you watch her... I’m gonna kill him...” 

“Buck... calm down...” 

“What’s this guys name?” 

“Nick... Nick Saperston... OW...” Helen is wiping my face 

“Sorry Savannah...” 

“Wait... didn’t we... Steve didn’t we put cameras in the alleyway after Barnes was brought in? We stopped monitoring them because all we saw was these two making out on the fire escape... but they’re still recording... I’m gonna call the cops... well obviously not just the regular cops... Helen clean her up... take photographic evidence then get her in the cradle... Steve, make sure Barnes doesn’t do anything... Barnes like... Savannah... I’m going to find a very nice police officer to talk to you” 

“My head really hurts” I think I’m gonna pass out when Helen unwraps Bucky’s blood soaked sweater from around my head 

“Yeah... that’s not... not good... Savannah you’ve got a very deep laceration to your head, I’m going to have to sedate you while I clean it up... things will probably get a little fuzzy from here on in” 

I see the needle go toward the back of my hand, I see Bucky’s face full of concern, then... nothing. 

———

When I wake up I’m not in the medical wing. I’m in Bucky’s bed, and from what I can tell, dawn is breaking. Did I... did I dream it? 

“Buck?” 

“Yeah Doll?” 

It takes me a moment to adjust to my surroundings. I’m IN bed, he’s next to me under the covers. Nothing... hurts. Maybe it was a dream.

“I had the worst dream...” I turn over to look at him, that’s when I know it really happened. He’s got dried blood on his hands and face, his face is solemn. I look at my hands and they’re also covered in dried blood and dirt “Wasn’t a dream... was it?” He shakes his head “... why am I here and not in the medical wing?” 

“Brought you up here when you came out of the cradle at your insistence” 

“Is it... Sunday?” 

“Yeah... you don’t have any bookings...” 

“Does my face... does it look... bad?” 

“It looks as beautiful as the first time I saw you” 

“Do you even remember the first time you saw me?” 

“Yeah... a year ago the night before I had to... approach you... I know there were times before that but that’s the time I remember the clearest... I remember thinking Steve has very good taste... stay right here... I’m gonna go turn the shower on” 

He lets the shower heat up then comes back to get me. I tell him I can stand but once again I’m lifted into his arms and carried. He strips me out of my clothes, they’re the ones I was wearing last night, they’re stuck to me with dried blood. He puts them in a trash bag along with my underwear and I stand under the spray. 

He strips down and steps in with me. He washes me from head to toe, then my hair, he’s so so so gentle with me even though my scalp doesn’t hurt. 

He’d thrown a towel over the medicine cabinet meaning I couldn’t see my reflection pre shower. 

“Are you ok?...” he pulls me close so we’re standing under the spray together “...Bucky?” 

“I’m trying to be... I’m so sorry...” 

“For what?” 

“Not protecting you” 

“You can’t be with me all the time...” 

“No... I know... but I’ve got an idea about that... now... you need to eat...” 

He turns the shower off and wraps me in a fluffy warm towel and then an even fluffier robe. As he leaves me to brush my teeth I take the towel off the mirror and I take stock of my face. I look... tired but that’s it. There’s not a mark on me. I try and feel for where my head was split open but there’s nothing. Not even a bald spot. 

When I leave the bathroom I notice he’s stripped the bed. 

I can smell breakfast cooking. My stomach growls. 

“Food?” 

“Morning Savannah... come sit... eat” Steve is wearing an apron that has comedy tits printed on it. He seems to have cooked everything that was in the refrigerator “... I didn’t know how hungry you’d be...” 

“Should I... get dressed?” 

“Nah... please... treat this as your home...” 

“Where did Bucky go?” 

“Oh... he needed to take your clothes to the lab...” 

“The lab?” 

“DNA... we erm... took swabs from your skin while you were... not totally with it” 

“Sorry for being a human disaster” I take a seat and he puts a plate of bacon, egg and hash browns down in front of me 

“You have nothing to apologise for... I should be thanking you... you... stopped Bucky from doing... god knows what” 

“The look in his eyes Steve... I’ve never... it wasn’t the soldier... but it wasn’t... him... I think... I think he would’ve... killed him” 

Bucky comes back in with Tony beside him. 

“Good Morning Rogers and Rogers... you guys should start a law firm... ooo bacon” 

Bucky sits down next to me, putting his arm around my shoulder. Almost... guarding me. 

“So...” 

“So...” Tony looks confused for a moment chewing a rasher of bacon “OH... right... turns out the guy had previous for similar offences... the whole thing was caught on the cameras we installed, the cops picked him up and he confessed... you only need to make a statement if you want to, there’s enough solid evidence without you doing it...” 

“Thank you...” 

“Not a problem kiddo...” he pats my shoulder and leaves. 

———

Bucky refuses to leave my side. 

For the next week he decides to act as receptionist in the store. Just in case. 

It does not go... well. 

Then a week after it happened, he FINALLY goes back to the Tower. 

Saturday passes, thankfully without incident, I have a full day as does Jed, strangely we could’ve done with a Bucky manning the desk. Only one who doesn’t make it up as they go along. ‘You want a full size set of wings tattooing? Cool, it’ll take an hour tops and cost twenty dollars’. 

I do, although I desperately needed a break from him, feel a tad put out when I get upstairs after work and he’s not there. 

But there is a large box in the middle of the living room, so he’s been here at some point today, on the top it says ‘don’t open yet’. 

I’m flumped out on the couch scrolling through my phone when I hear the front door open. At first I panic slightly as the footsteps don’t sound right. Usually he stomps up the stairs two at a time, singing, or talking to me before he’s even laid eyes on me. This time it’s almost like he’s... sneaking. 

“Weirdo?” 

“I’m on the couch... what’s with the box?” 

He’s standing over me on the couch, he’s wearing his sheepskin coat he got from the thrift and it’s done right up to his chin, I know it’s November but he tends to run hot. But that’s not the weird thing, the weird thing is the lump IN the coat. He looks like he’s... pregnant? 

“Yeah about that...” 

The lump... moves. 

I sit up on the couch “Bucky?” 

“Yeah Doll?” 

“What’s under your coat?” 

“Dunno what you’re talking about”

He’s literally cradling the... lump, which is still moving... 

I stand up “Bucky what have you done?” 

“Well... listen... I’ve loved hanging out with you this week” 

“Guarding me you mean?” 

“Yes well... we both know I can’t do that all the time... plus... dunno if you noticed but I’m not good at... helping you... at work” 

“You don’t say... now... what’s in the coat?” 

“Introducing... your new guardian...” he undoes the top bottom of his coat and a pair of white ears pop out, then the next button and a head emerges. 

“Bucky...” 

Another button and two front paws make their way out. 

“He’s called Hopper” 

He undoes his jacket all the way and stands cradling a white wolf puppy 

“Of course he is...” 

“You don’t like him?” 

“Bucky... Bucky I love him...” I am... oh god... I’m crying 

“Don’t cry... why are you crying?” 

“You... you’ve bought me a puppy...” I reach my arms out and Bucky transfers the bundle of Wolf fluff into my arms, he immediately licks my face “... hello puppy” 

“All his stuff is in the box... crate, food, lead.. etc... I’ve paid for all his insurance and vaccinations... I should’ve told you?” 

“Maybe you should’ve but... no...” 

“I know you said Alpine loved your Moms dog... he’s gonna be your store dog... I thought... yes?” 

“Yes... Bucky I literally don’t know what to say...” 

He wraps his arms round the both of us “Hopper Barnes-Rogers?” 

“Rogers-Barnes”


	27. I don’t care what you think as long as it’s about me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a little fluff... because Bucky deserves all the fluff

“This is ONLY for tonight” 

“Uh huh...” 

“I’m serious Savannah”

“Uh huh...” 

We’re laid in bed. There’s puppy wedged between us. And Bucky is not happy about it. 

“He’s got a crate for a reason” 

“Uh huh...” 

“He needs to get used to it so...” 

“So...” 

“So there’s not a puppy biting my balls when we’re fucking around” 

“Point taken... but look at him...” I turn on my side, Hopper is laid on his side facing me, Bucky mirrors me “... you bought me... a furry baby” 

“He’s pretty cute I guess... but he’s supposed to fearsome... a guard dog...” 

“Uh huh...”

We’d taken Hopper out, once I’d been persuaded to put him down that is, we’d gone round the ‘area’ of the store, the alley, everywhere we could think of where I would regularly go to. He peed on everything in sight, marking his territory. 

He’s eight weeks old. A cross between a German Shepard and a Samoyed, accidental litter. One of Peter’s classmates family owned the Mom, a German Shepard called Tilly. As soon as Peter showed Bucky the Instagram photos, because look Mr Bucky ‘white wolves’ like you, it was all over for Bucky, my alleyway incident sealed the deal. And now here he is. 

Alpine, who’s usually pretty aloof even for cat, loves him from the moment she strolls into the room and sees him. However there’s a chance she thinks he’s a giant kitten. She pulls him by the scruff of his neck across the floor towards her bed, he doesn’t make any effort to stop her.

The problem is... that my store needs to be... clean... sterile, Hopper can stay in the front of the store in reception not a problem, but this means I need to move Jed’s piercing bed into my tattooing room. 

There’s enough room for it, but... privacy is needed for... certain piercings. 

I need to build a wall. 

I inform Bucky of this at ten pm halfway round the ‘block’. 

Not a problem, I’m a man, I can build a wall. What he means is... I’m gonna look on YouTube for a tutorial, so he does just that. Then calls Steve, for backup. 

This is why it’s Sunday morning, and me Bucky AND Hopper (in an infinity scarf that I’ve fashioned into a baby carrier strapped to Bucky’s chest) are standing in the parking lot of Home Dept waiting for Steve Rogers. 

He clambers out of an Uber, scarf pulled up, but not high enough for me not to notice he’s got a neck covered in hickies. So much for ‘no nut November’ Steven. 

“Oh... oh... my... god PUPPY... you bought a... puppy... you didn’t tell me?” 

“I don’t have to tell you everything Pal... this is Hopper... Hopper this is your Uncle Steve... who’s trying a little too hard to disguise his neck right now...” 

Steve pulls his scarf up higher “... so... puppy why?” 

“Guard Dog for Sav...” 

“Can we go inside? You two may not feel the cold but I do...” 

I pull a treat from a bag in my jacket pocket and hand it to Steve, he looks totally confused then realises what it’s for and feeds it to Hopper. 

Bucky rolls his eyes “Stop spoiling him...” 

We get everything we need, Steve causes an outbreak of the giggles with the till clerks when he says ‘yes I’m Captain America’. I thank the stars my Jeep has a roof rack to get everything back to the store because there’s no way we’d all get in otherwise. Steve holds on to Hopper in the backseat as once again Bucky decides he’s driving back. He’s getting... better. Kind of. I only have to signal for him twice and only break even though my foot is not only the pedal once. 

The Avengers may be world savers but wall builders they are not. 

It falls over twice before it stands up. Steve almost dislocates his thumb with a hammer. Bucky drops a power tool on his foot. I try to direct them but get shouted down so me and Hopper head to the Bean to fetch lunch. 

Jed’s in there, he lives above it with Bryan. 

“What the fuck is that?” 

“Hello and happy Sunday to you too Jed... this is our new... receptionist, Hopper” 

“Well...” he’s off the stool he was spinning on to fuss our new staff member “... as much as I think Bucky is great... I feel Hopper here will probably make a better job of receptionist... where is your Hugo Boss model anyway?” 

“Building a wall in my studio... so you can pierce in there... Hopper will stay out front... where it doesn’t matter if there’s... fur... it’ll all be ready tomorrow... I hope” 

“Bucky bought you a puppy?” Bryan is on his hands and knees fussing Hopper. 

“Yes” 

“Why?” 

I’d not told them about Nick, they knew he’d been arrested but not for what he did to me. 

“Who knows... anyway I’m gonna need lunch for me and my builders so...” 

“Builders... plural?” Jed’s eyes are wide

“Yeah Steve is there...” 

Jed’s off the stool and heading for the door “I’ll go help them...” 

“Uh huh...” 

“Don’t hurt yourself and I know he’s your superhero sex list but so help me Jeremy if you fuck Captain America... wedding is off...” 

“I know... I’m just gonna... look” he pulls the door closed behind him 

“Savannah... my love... what can I get you?” 

“I’ll have... two of your mixed lunch platters...” 

“Erm... just one of those is supposed to feed four people” 

“Yeah I know... and I’ll have a egg salad... Hopper?” I look down and he’s laid at my feet “... he’ll have a slice of banana bread but DON’T tell Bucky” 

“It’s our secret” 

———

The wall works out great. I mean so long as you don’t breathe near it because then it wobbles like a jello mould in a hurricane. And for a hot minute ‘the wall’ becomes famous, famous because Steve and Bucky signed their masterpiece in huge bright red spray painted letters. It literally says ‘Steve and Bucky built this wall, November 2021’ and I can’t paint over it because... can’t touch the wall it will literally fall down.

I know that I really need to remodel the shop so it includes the middle floor (which has two staircases anyway), no problem says Bucky, I’m sure I can find a tutorial. No Buck, if it’s happening BUILDERS are going to do it, and we can clear off on vacation while it’s completed, Jed can supervise. 

The nights Bucky doesn’t stay over, which although are few and far between still happen, Hopper sleeps in bed with me, because Bucky, what’s the point of him being in a crate if someone breaks in? Seeing as he’s a guard dog? 

This is put to the test when at three am, Hopper who’d been sleeping at the end of the bed wakes up and then wakes me up, he’s nudging me, pawing me, licking my face. Then once he sees my eyes open he stands on my chest and makes a whole range of noises, because he’s only ten weeks he’s not quite developed a bark slash howl yet so he tries to do both at the same time. He’s literally jumping up and down as a figure appears in the doorway of the bedroom. 

I had recognised the footsteps, he hadn’t. 

“Alright puppy... it’s only me” 

He’s shivering and sniffling as he pulls back the covers. 

“Bucky what’s going on? It’s the middle of the night... and you’re in your pyjamas... please tell me you didn’t ride your bike from Manhattan to here in your pyjamas?” 

“No... Uber... yes hello Hopper, did you do what you were supposed to do huh? Good boy... keep the weirdo safe... come on... settle down” 

“Bucky?” 

“Night Terror...” 

I move Hopper to the foot of the bed, where thankfully he settles down, then spoon up to Bucky. 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

“You didn’t get back up” 

I’ve got my whole body slung as far over him as possible without physically laying on top of him, like a human weighted blanket. I’ve got his hands in mine, he’s still shaking. 

“Get back up?” 

“In the alleyway... you hit your head too hard... then...” his voice shakes as he speaks “... after... you’d... gone... my stupid brain forgot you... I still had your pictures but I couldn’t remember who you were... I knew you were important but I couldn’t remember why...” 

“Oh James...” I rarely RARELY call him James, only when he’s upset or angry, frustrated, it seems to... ground him

He sniffles again “It felt so real... like... to the point I thought I’d get here and you’d be gone...” 

“Nah... if this year has proved anything it’s that I’m pretty hard to... kill” Hopper gets up and starts pawing at both of us “... he needs to pee... I’ll take him...” 

“We’ll both go...” We’re stood out the front, Hopper’s favourite hydrant is out there, both in pjs with winter coats over the top “... don’t die...” 

“Not planning on doing that anytime soon...” Hopper spends more time sniffing than he does peeing, gotta get the right spot I guess. Once we’re back in the warm I heat some hazelnut milk to make Bucky a hot chocolate, it’s the only time he’ll drink non dairy milk “... feel better?” 

“Sorry I woke you up” 

“Doesn’t matter... was Steve not home?” 

We’re back in bed, Hopper with us, Bucky is sipping his hot chocolate “... I went to sleep with my noise cancelling headphones on...” 

“Ahhh” 

“... yeah... his plan is to screw around until the beginning of December then stop because people assume things when you sleep with them during the holiday season?” 

“I see...” 

“Did you ever... I mean I know you’re... you... but did you ever have a... Sam calls it a ‘hoe’ phase?” 

“Nope... did you?” 

“If I did I don’t remember... also what’s a... body count? Because I’m fairly sure Peter wasn’t talking about dead people...” 

“The number of people you’ve had sex with” 

“Oh... well in which case... maybe five?” 

“Nine” 

“Is nine... a lot?” 

“For a woman my age in the twenty first century? Nah... was yours... high for... back then?” 

“I think so... but I don’t remember them... do you remember yours?” 

“You’re not gonna go... weird if I tell you?” 

“No why would I?” 

“In which case... yes I do... four relationships, the rest... flings... I have to... know someone before I take my clothes off in front of them... the relationships were with guys, the flings... women” 

“WOMEN?...” he’s sat bolt upright now almost spilling his drink “... vaginas... women?” 

“Yes... I thought you knew...” 

“No...” Oh god I’ve done the wrong thing, he’s one of those guys that like the IDEA of ‘lesbianism’ but not the... practice if it involved his girlfriend, it’s happened to me before. I brace myself for what he’s gonna say next “... that’s so... HOT... do you... prefer... vaginas?” 

I laugh, mostly out of relief “... it’s not like that... it’s not about their... physical body... it’s about me being attracted to their... personality... a woman or a man can be very... pleasing to the eye but being a fucking awful person... I mean just... plain boring or dull...” 

“I see... and you were attracted to me because?” 

“You’re... intriguing... interesting... and physically my ‘type’ tall, dark... brooding” 

“Brooding?” 

“You ‘brood’ over what cereal to have” 

“It’s important... it shapes your whole day” 

“Plus... dimple... you’re kind, loyal...” 

He puts his now empty cup on the bedside table and wriggles back to being wrapped round me once again, Hopper barely stirs at the end of the bed “... you’re beautiful... and for whatever god known reason you know about what I... did... yet you treat me... like it didn’t happen... you make me feel like... a whole person... I never felt that before... whole”

I smile in the dark, my heart melting “... try and get some sleep Buck...” 

“You’re coming to the Tower this Thursday right? Or you can stay there Wednesday night, bring Alpine too... Wanda’s been bugging me about you bringing her back” 

“I mean... I’ll be at work but if you want me to... sure?” 

“Why would you be at work?” 

Is he having a brain misfire, my cell is on the nightstand and Regan is on speed dial “... because I work on a Thursday?” 

“Even on Thanksgiving?” 

“That’s this week?” 

“And I’m the one with the memory problems...”


	28. You are the sun and I am just the planets, spinning around you

On the Wednesday after work I pack up the ‘pack’ with essentials for an over night stay at the Tower. I have clothes and necessities already there. They do not, well Hopper doesn’t. Alpine sits in her cat-pack on the passenger seat, which is where Hopper starts off. He ends up on my lap trying to drive. Thankfully we get there without him steering us into oncoming traffic. 

Bucky’s not waiting for me in the garage, Tony and Bruce are. Bruce has got the passenger door open and pulls Alpine out before I can do anything about it. 

“Hello kitty... I missed you...” She’s rubbing her face against the inside of the clear window in her cat-pack at the sound of Bruce’s voice. 

“Come on then Rogers... hand over my furry grandson” 

“Grandson?” I place Hopper in Tony’s open arms 

“Well I am the Daddy of this rag tag team...” Hopper is licking his face 

“If you say so... where’s Bucky?” 

“Up to... something... in the Penthouse, kicked Steve out apparently... so off you go.. shoo... me and Bruce will take care of your ‘pack’” 

They go one way, carrying my fur babies and I take the elevator to penthouse two. 

“Bucky?” 

The place is empty, no music or television playing somewhere. 

“Hey weirdo... just gimme a minute..” 

His voice is coming from the inside of his room, the door is slightly ajar and it looks pitch black in there. 

“What are you up to?” 

“You’ll see... where are the babies?” 

“With Grandad Tony and Uncle Bruce” 

He laughs loudly “Close your eyes please...” 

“Why? What are you doing?” 

“Don’t be so suspicious... close your eyes please” I sigh and place everything I was carrying on the floor then, close my eyes, putting my hands over them for good measure. I hear his footsteps approach me and he wraps his arms around my waist putting a small kiss to my lips “I’m going to guide you... ready?” 

“For what?” 

“You’ll see...” 

He walks backwards and I go forwards, I assume into his bedroom, he lets go of me momentarily to close the door as I hear it click. 

“No offence Buck but you’re being kinda weird, even for you” 

“It’ll be worth it... I hope...” I hear his footsteps get closer to me once again “... ok you can open your eyes now” 

I lower my hands from my face and open my eyes, the first thing I see is him, standing directly in front of me, the room is dark... it takes a moment for my eyes to adjust.

“What the...” 

“Do you like it?” 

“Bucky I...” 

He’s taped sheets of black card over his huge windows, blocking out the city lights. In the middle of the floor is a projector that’s lighting up the room with projections of constellations. They’re shining on to the ceiling, on to the walls, on the black taped up card. He’s even got a comforter that’s got a space scene on it. 

“You don’t like it” 

“It’s incredible... but why?” 

“You said you wanted to have sex in space? I’m not allowed to use a jet for... fortifications apparently” 

Before I can retort he cusps my face in his hands and kisses me. One of those kisses that knocks the breath from my body. I’d not expected... this... I’d figured we’d watch a movie and fall asleep. Not because sex has become... dull. But because I know he had therapy today and he’s been unpacking his most recent night terrors. 

“You’re amazing” 

He really is, no one has ever done anything vaguely like this for me, ever. I let him kiss me until my lips are numb, until I feel his dick grow hard between us. I step back and sink to my knees. I pop open the buttons of his jeans and lower them along with his briefs, leaving me eye level with his dick. I have zero complaints over this part of his anatomy, it’s glorious, and it’s me whom he likes to touch it. 

I grip the base with my left hand and put my mouth to the tip, flattening my tongue to run along the underside. He slumps slightly and gathers my hair up with his right hand and gently pulls in time with the motions of my mouth. 

I love giving him head, watching him turn to a moaning mess of a man, and I’m the one who makes him feel like that? Amazing. I suck harder, hollowing out my cheeks and taking as much of him in my mouth as I can, my hand working the remainder. 

We find a happy rhythm, he’s looking down on me, the lust in his eyes is overwhelming. 

“Doll... you’re gonna... yeah...” 

“Should I stop?” 

He hooks a metal finger under my chin tilting my head up “As much as I enjoy watching you suck my dick yes...” 

“I’ve not shaved my legs” 

“Like I care” 

He pulls me from the floor and then pulls my shirt over my head, throwing it behind him. Then my jeans are opened and pushed down to my ankles and I kick them off. He puts his hands under my butt and in one swift movement I’m lifted from the floor. My legs wrapped around his waist. He almost trips over his jeans that are round his ankles but somehow manages to kick them off as he carries me to the bed, throwing me down on to my back. 

His own tshirt is pulled up and over his head and thrown somewhere into the void. 

He’s crawling up my body, his fingertips both human and metallic are dancing over my flesh. Soft kisses are laid over my stomach as he tries to pull my underwear off with his teeth, only it doesn’t quite work and he uses his hand to pull them off fully. 

We’re nose to nose and there’s a look in his eyes, I know exactly what that look is. 

“I love you” 

“I love you more” 

He kisses me deeply pushing me into his bed then swiftly he moves himself and flips me on to my stomach. He pulls my hips upwards, fast and strong so I’m on my knees, and in one forceful thrust he’s inside me. 

I let out a moan so loud that the whole tower probably heard “Sorry” 

“Don’t care...” 

He’s got a strong grip of my hips and he drags them back and forth, hard. Once he’s found his rhythm he once again winds my hair around his hand like he’s pulling a rope. This is one of those times he has to be in control. I’ve learnt to read his moods dependent on how he chooses to fuck me. 

His metal fingers are digging into my ass so hard there’s gonna be a perfect hand shaped bruise there. 

He’s moaning, grunting, cursing. 

I lift myself up on my hands so I’m on all fours, which deepens the thrust and the angle in which is dick is brushing against my g spot. I can feel my limbs trembling already. 

“God you feel so fucking good... so... tight... wet... fuck... FUCK” I somehow balance on one hand, my left and put my right between us, letting my fingers feel him as he thrusts into me. This makes him practically howl. I walk my fingers to my clit to play with it “... makes me... when you... do... that...” 

I know it won’t take much, I’m pretty close, a dominating Bucky can start my orgasm before he’s even inside me. 

“Oh fuck me...” 

“I know... you’re... close... tighter... wetter... fuck” 

My orgasm rips out of me, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I lose balance and fall forwards, he grips my ass even harder to keep me in place. 

I turn my head to the side to free my mouth from the pillow “I want you to cum on my face” 

This proves to be too much for him, he makes a strangled sound, tenses up and spills into me. 

“Sorry” the heat of his body has shifted slightly and he flops down on the bed face first next to me, the last of the strength in my limbs gives way and I follow suit “... took me a bit by surprise there Sav” 

“I thought you liked it when I... talk like that” 

He brushes the hair out of my face “I do... so much... just.. caught me off guard” 

“As far as space sex goes... good effort Barnes” 

“Boyfriend of the year?” 

“Of the century... king of all the boyfriends” 

I hear the apartment door open and close “Buck... Sav...” 

“Yeah alright Pal... gimme a... gimme a minute... you... go NOWHERE...” 

I prop myself up on my elbow as he gets up on slightly shaky legs “... where would I go... plus I’m naked with cum running down the insides of my thighs” his booming laugh fills the room 

“Be right back...” he’s jumping into his jeans and cracking the door open then as soon as it’s open far enough Hopper crashes into the room, almost knocking Bucky off his feet 

“I hate to interrupt but your puppy keeps trying to eat the turkey while it’s marinating...” 

“HOPPER” 

“He’s just a baby he doesn’t know better...” I’m scrambling for an article of clothing to put on so I don’t get puppy licks to my unclothed anatomy, I find Bucky’s tshirt, it’ll do. 

I hear the apartment door open again “You’re parents now... gotta be responsible...” 

“Yeah fuck you too Steve...” he turns so he’s facing back in the room “... you... sit...” Hopper just stares at him tongue hanging out of his mouth “... butthead... although why they had you in the kitchen is beyond me... are you gonna be good if I take my lady to the shower... she hates it when the... cum dries...” 

“Don’t say cum in front of the child... I’ll go pee... you... deal with the baby” 

Dealing with the baby according to Bucky is to bring him into the bathroom. He paws the shower glass while we’re in there so I open the door. 

“Oh good now there’s gonna be a wet puppy...” 

He doesn’t come in, not all the way anyway, he sticks his nose in, gets it wet and backs away, laying down on the fluffy bath mat by the sink. 

“See... was therapy... bad today?” 

“Wasn’t the greatest hour of my life” he’s sporting a bubble beard, the bubbles are tinted blue from my hair dye running 

“Wanna tell me about it?” 

“I didn’t have control of my life for so long and now I do it spins my head a little bit... sorry if I was... aggressive” 

“I quite like it...” 

“I was gonna... I don’t know... romance you under the... fake stars... but as soon as you... started to suck my dick it was game over on that one” 

“Well I’m sure the stars will shine on us again” 

“Oh I’m sure they will... Hopper... look away...” 

———

On Thanksgiving morning we sleep in, mainly thanks to the black card still tacked up covering the windows. It’s gone ten when we surface. Thankfully Steve hasn’t had an ‘over night’ guest or if he has they’ve gone by the time we leave the bedroom. 

In fact there’s no sign of Steve either. We don’t need to be in Penthouse One till two so we bundle up and take Hopper to Central Park, we ride there on the Subway, the puppy in a IKEA bag with his head sticking out the top. 

He exhausts himself after ten minutes pulling Bucky towards squirrels so once again he’s strapped to his chest in my scarf. 

“Where’s your Mom? You’ve probably told me but I can’t remember...” 

“Oh... I don’t know if I did to be honest, she’s in Canada, Niagara Falls to be exact, we were never big on Thanksgiving... I mean my grandparents were all passed away before I turned ten so me and Mom usually got a Chinese takeout and watched the parade on TV... do you... remember yours?” 

“I don’t think so... there’s a parade?” 

“Why do you think it’s so busy here on Thanksgiving?” 

“Oh... OH... OH...” he puts his fingers to his forehead and rubs 

“Hey...” I’ve got my hand on my cell in my pocket. I stand in front of him, ready to comfort him “... James?” 

“I... I... sit down...” he tries to sit on the floor but I catch him and guide him to a close by bench 

“I’m calling Regan...” 

“No... no... it’s...” he’s still rubbing his head, Hopper is licking his hand “... my brain just... threw me a curveball... I remember...” 

“What do you remember?” I put my arm around his shoulders 

“Thanksgiving... I can see it... I can see us all sitting in that little kitchen, Steve was there after his parents had passed away, Rebecca had a new dress and was wearing a sheet over it in case she split something down it... it wasn’t a... turkey... couldn’t afford it... it was a... chicken... my parents they... had sparkling cider and... it was... warm from the stove... my Mom... my Mom made the best stuffing... it had chestnuts in it... then... we came... here... to see the parade... I remember... Savannah I remember them” he turns to me, tears in his eyes, and kisses me “... I remember them... clear as day...” 

“You sure you don’t want me to call Regan?” 

“Nah... this is... good... sorry I wobbled” 

“Maybe I should buy you a cushion so you can take it around with you to sit on when your brain throws you a curveball...” 

He laughs and sniffs in “... yeah maybe you should” 

“Did something trigger it?” 

“This place... the park... there’s a... smell to it... and the noise of the people...” 

“I think we should get you back to the tower, I’ll get us an Uber” 

“Sav... I’m fine... I swear... when it’s... time can we come back and see the tree?” 

“Tree?” 

“At Rockafella they still have a tree there don’t they?” 

“Yeah Buck... they do...” 

“I’m hungry” 

“Why does that not surprise me? Come on Sargent I’ll buy you a pretzel on the way back” 

I text Steve... just in case. 

——— 

“I feel like I’m walking to my doom...” we’re in the elevator headed upwards to Tony’s penthouse. Me, Bucky, Steve and Hopper. Bucky is... apprehensive “... I’m liking the idea of a takeout and watching the TV more and more to be honest” 

“Are you sure you’re ok Pal?” 

“Will you two stop fussing me... and don’t think I’ve forgiven you for telling him about my... wobble” 

“I said I was sorry...” 

“I know... I know... these... functions of Stark make me nervous... next year Weirdo, you, me, the fur pack and a Chinese takeout? I’ll even let you eat my shrimp toast squares...” 

“Done...” I fidget with my outfit slightly, smart trousers and a emerald coloured vintage blouse I found at the thrift store. Bucky’s got his least... loud shirt on and smart black pants. I don’t think either of us feel entirely comfortable right now. 

“What about me?” 

“Stop fucking around and find your own weirdo to spend the holidays with... Pal” The elevator comes to a stop and the doors open to reveal a full Penthouse, people milling around a long, elegantly decorated dining table. Bucky groans, Hopper whines “... I know puppy... I know” 

There’s place cards with our names on, Bucky slumps down in his chair while I do a lap and say hello to everyone or rather I take Hopper to meet everyone. 

We’re sat opposite Wanda and Vision, Natasha is to my left, Sam is next to Bucky, Hopper is on the floor but I don’t know for how long. As for Steve, he’s up the top near Tony and Pepper. Peter, who’s wearing a bow tie is sat up there with his Aunt May, Bruce and Rhodey.

The first course arrives, a vegetable soup, which we all slurp in silence. 

“Oh my god someone say something this is... I don’t even know what thanksgiving is... why are we all sitting in silence?” Wanda’s handing her dish to a waiter 

“It’s not a thing in Russia either...” 

“This isn’t like any Thanksgiving I’ve ever been to either...” Sam’s picking at a bread roll 

“Don’t look at me... I’m not... a human...” Vision is closely examining a champagne flute 

“Savannah” Bucky’s reached out and grabbed my hand on top of the table “... do something... save us from... THIS... please...” 

“... like what?” 

“I don’t know...” 

“... I feel... uncomfortable too Buck... just... eat... you love eating” 

“I love you more...” This statement dissolves Sam into a fit of giggles. Then Nat follows suit “...what?” 

“... nothing... just...” Sam deepens his voice “...THE WINTER SOLDIER... worlds most feared assassin... who fears NO ONE” 

“No one” repeats Nat 

“... has officially gone soft” 

“Hey... I’m still fearsome... right Sav?” 

“Totally fearsome...” 

“See...” 

“Whatever you say... Bucket” 

The main course arrives, turkey and all the trimmings. 

“Don’t think I didn’t see that...” I’ve snuck a piece of turkey from my plate and slipped it to Hopper “... where is the rest of the food?” Bucky’s looking at his plate in disappointment “... Sav order me a Taco Bell will you? At least three crunch wrap supremes... and... churros... oh god yes churros”

“No... Nat... pass the wine” 

“Of course...” 

“You hate wine” 

“I hate this more... drunk is the way to go” 

“Drunk is the way to go” repeats Nat pouring herself a large glass of red wine 

“Yup... pass it here” the bottle is handed to Sam 

“To... Thanksgiving” Nat’s raised her glass so we all follow her lead 

“To Thanksgiving” Wanda and Vision have joined us with full glasses

“Fuck it...” Bucky pulls a small hip flask out of his pocket “... to Thanksgiving” 

“What is that? Is that Thor’s mead?” 

“Maybe... want some?” 

“I said drunk not dead” 

Pepper is making her way round the table “PLEASE tell me you guys are having fun? This is terrible... This is the last time I ask Tony to organise thanksgiving... I just wanted to sit in my lazy pants and eat ... but no... here we are... and this food is so... fancy... Savannah... please do something to liven it up” 

“Why is everyone asking me?” 

“Because you’re the most fun normal person any of us have ever met... you’ve stepped into this... world... taken it all in stride and somehow remained the same person... and yes we know Bucky loves you...” 

“But so do we” the honesty in Nat’s voice brings a lump to my throat. 

“Miss Potts” 

“Please call me Pepper...” 

“Pepper... sit down, grab a glass and have a drink, I’m sure this wine cost more than my entire wardrobe, may as well enjoy it...”

A chair is found for her and we make room, the waiter even brings her plate. 

The next person to come down the table is Aunt May. 

“Is this where the cool kids are hanging out? They’re talking about politics and science... snooooore... oh hello... you’re Savannah, I’m May” she shakes my hand before she sits down “... look at the kid, I think he might fall asleep soon he’s so bored...” 

“Hi I’m Bucky... I’m really hungry” he takes another swig from the flask “... hey HEY excuse me?” He’s grabbed a waiter by the arm “... can you just bring me a bowl of mashed potatoes... please?”

“And more wine...” Sam’s holding up an empty bottle 

Peter’s next to head our way “Miss.. erm Rogers... Can I take Hopper for a walk? I mean if you trust me?” 

“Of course I do... you might have to carry him for some of it, he’s only got little legs...” 

“Thanks...” he takes the lead from where it had been attached to the back of Bucky’s chair and leaves. Kind of wish I could do the same... mind you it’s certainly livened up since more wine was brought and Bucky’s stopped complaining he’s hungry... he’s now got a large silver serving bowl of mash and turkey, no stuffing he said he tasted ‘too fancy’. 

People seem to be... leaving... nope they’re just headed down table. I get the feeling we’re gonna be scalded like naughty children. 

“Alright everyone up...” 

“Tony...” she stops giggling at something May whispered to her and tries to put on a serious face. It doesn’t work.

“It’s ok Pep I got this” We’re all standing, Bucky’s cradling his bowl as he stands, everyone else is clinging to full wine glasses “... can we move this table?...” there’s a round of nods from the waiters and the table is transformed from elongated rectangle to giant square “... better?... sorry everyone... my bad... I over... fancied this occasion... it should be about... what we are... family... not pomp and ceremony... can we get some more wine here?” The waiters place an abundance of wine bottles around the table “... before we sit... let’s toast... to what we are thankful for... which this year I think we can all agree is Savannah...” 

“Wait... what?” 

“Savannah” everyone raises their glasses as I burn bright red at my name being said in unison 

Tony continues “You have reminded us... all of us... that outside this tower, outside what we do... there is normality... glorious wonderful normality” 

Steve raises his glass again “To normality”

“Erm... thank you?” 

“For fuck’s sake... sit down everyone...” 

Seats are retaken and the main course plates cleared away. With the exception of Bucky’s bowl he’s not made it to the bottom yet. Chatter resumes. And dessert arrives. Thankfully it’s pie, totally normal pie. 

“You know...” Bucky’s half on my chair half on his own “... this isn’t so bad...” he lowers his voice “...we’re not doing this at Christmas though, right?” 

“Oh hell no”


	29. the road outside my house is paved with good intentions

“Doll” 

“Hrmph” 

“Weirdo” 

“Uuuuuggggghhhhh” 

“Rainbow girl” 

“Blurp” 

“Savaaannnaaaaaaaah” 

“Oh my god WHAT?” Bucky’s been rocking me back and forth for the past five minutes trying to get me to wake up. 

“Love you” 

“Did you wake me up to tell me you love me?” I turn over to face him

“No... you said you wanted to buy... things... it’s Black Friday” 

“What are you talking about, it’s like ten pm on Thanksgiving” 

“No it’s nine am on Black Friday” 

I shoot up from the bed “What the fuck?... I... I came in here for a nap at seven thirty and you’re telling me I passed out for over twelve hours? Where’s the puppy? Where’s the cat?” 

“Both in the living room with Steve... and yes... wine makes you sleepy... apparently” 

“Why aren’t you vomiting in a trash can and where are my pants? 

“I guess the food helped soak up the booze, and because I wrestled you out of your pants when I came to bed at midnight” 

“I have a headache” 

“Figured you would... here” he passes me a bottle of Advil and a glass of juice “... can I drive?”

“Drive where?” I gulp down two Advil... for the amount of wine I drunk, or at least remember drinking... I don’t feel too... bad 

“Wherever we’re going?” 

“Oh... Christmas Town?” 

“Yes” 

“We have to go buy a washer and dryer first... well I have to... ugh... so boring... so middle aged... I’ll go then come back and get you for Christmas Town?... no you know what fuck it... I’ll buy the boring stuff from Amazon get it delivered... so only Christmas Town?” 

“Just us though... no matter what Stevie says... just us?” 

“OK?” 

“Awesome...” he leans in and kisses the end of my nose “... wine breath” 

“Sorry” 

“I’ll be out there with the pack... when you’re ready” 

I reassemble myself, although I still don’t believe it’s Friday, I pull a corner of the black card away from the window and sunlight beams on my face. There’s no time to shower, well there is but once Bucky gets an idea in his head, admittedly this idea is my fault, he will whine and ask ‘are you ready yet?’ until I give in and go... once missing a shoe. 

I’m so glad I have a selection of regular clothes here because on closer inspection my top from last night seems to have pie and wine spilled down it. So throwing half a bottle of body spray on it and hoping for the best won’t fly today.

Bucky does not play fair, I’m standing in the bathroom trying to put concealer on to cover the ‘I drank too much’ bags under my eyes when Hopper’s nose pokes round the slightly open door. He’s too little to push it all the way open so he paws and whines until I stop what I’m doing and go let him in. And even then I can’t concentrate as he’s nipping the legs of my pants. I wonder how he got into the bedroom in the first place... Bucky. 

“Where is my cat?” I’ve come out of Bucky’s room with the dog in my arms, it was just easier. I’d sat him in the sink while I finished my make up. 

“Here...” Apparently ‘here’ is nestled inside Steve’s robe, looking hella comfy “... what are you guys doing today anyway?” 

“We’re...” 

Bucky cuts me off “Nothing... I mean... Brooklyn” 

“Oh... well... ok... but can I keep Alpine? Just for today?” 

“Sure I’ll pick her up and drop him off later... Barnes, Dunkin for breakfast?” 

“Fuck me yes” 

Bucky’s behind the wheel, which means he almost runs into the order box at Dunkin. How were you a sniper? You have zero sense of spatial awareness... then he noticed the ‘festive drinks’ menu and ordered one of each. He’ll be vibrating by the time we get where we’re going. I was going to order my middle aged necessaries via my cell while we’re in the car but I need to concentrate on his driving, one of us has to. 

“So...” I’m feeding Hopper a puppacino 

“So...” he’s actually looking in his mirrors, and not just at his hair, makes a change 

“Why didn’t you want Steve to... come with us?” 

“Because he needs to be in his own company... for when I leave... not that’ll hell ever be alone... Captain revolving bedroom door Rogers...” 

I’ve been... dancing around this conversation for a while but the wine from yesterday has made me brave “Yeah... about that... I don’t know if... I mean I love you... so much but... I like how things... are...” 

“Spit it out Sav” 

“I don’t know if I’m ready for you to move in, my apartment is just that, mine... and when you eventually get bored and leave it’ll... be bad and there’ll be all the memories of us in there and...” 

“Savannah stop... I’m not moving in... and I’m not gonna leave...” 

“You’re not?” 

“No... when I find a place I want to live above it... I’ve never had a place of my own, and while I’ve no doubt that there, like there is now, will be very few nights we don’t sleep in the same bed, I need to... make my mark on something... and why the hell would I leave you... ever?” 

“People get... bored of me... usually I’m good for about a year then the appeal wears off” 

“Yeah... can’t see that happening... because I do want us to live together... BUT...”

“... but...” 

“I’m a good Catholic boy...” 

“If you say so... Mr I will fuck you on every surface Barnes” 

“Don’t say fuck while I’m driving... at least not in... that context... ANYWAY... to put it simply I’m not moving in with you till we’re married” 

“You’re serious about this aren’t you?” 

“Deadly... but I will stick to the deal... I won’t bring it up till a year of... normality has passed... then we can ‘talk’ about it...” 

“Take the next turn Buck...” 

“Smooth subject change Rogers... what... the... fuck?” 

We’ve turned into the parking lot of Christmas Town, which is exactly what it sounds like. It’s closed from February to September but I’m never ready to visit till after Thanksgiving, otherwise it feels too... early. There’s a huge store the size of a Walmart and then cute stalls, handmade gifts, awful sweaters, reindeer, Santa’s grotto and Bucky’s favourite thing, food. 

“We’ll have to take the Puppy with us... are you ok carrying him?” 

“More than...” he steps out of the car, brushes himself down from the donut and pastry crumbs and grabs the scarf from the backseat, arranging it to slot the puppy in “... I can’t believe this place... we made... we made...” he rubs his head

“Uh oh...” I get ready to catch him which will be hard with the puppy in my arms 

“Nope... nope I’m fine... popcorn? That’s all I remember... popcorn? Am I even vaguely in the ballpark?” 

“You’ll have made tree garlands from popcorn” 

“Huh... right... puppy...” he’s pulling him from my arms and slotting him into the scarf “... let’s do this...” 

“What about me?” 

He holds his hand out for me to take “... I was talking to you...” 

We do a lap of the stalls first, after which I threaten to take Bucky’s wallet away from him. Because we have to go BACK to the parking lot and drop off all his purchases. Then he INSISTS we have a family portrait with Santa, in the thirties and forties Santa was only ever in fancy department stores, so the novelty has only just begun for him never mind worn off. It’s a ridiculous photo, Hopper is sitting on Santa’s knee, and we’re standing behind his ‘throne’. Bucky’s smile lights up the whole photo. As usual. 

I feed the reindeer, they’re my favourite, especially being of Scandinavian descent. I know Bucky is taking pictures of me, probably for his journals but I don’t care. They’re beautiful. Fluffy bum tails, antlers, I want to take them home. I wonder if I could have a Christmas event at the store and hire a reindeer? 

Bucky’s slid up to one of the ‘handlers’ “How much are the reindeer?” 

“They’re not for sale Sir” 

“He’s joking... I think...” 

“Oh hello... you’re Savannah... from Kirby Dots?” 

“That’s me...” I turn away from the reindeer and see a short brunette in outdoor clothes “... sorry I’m terrible with names” 

“We’ve not actually met, I’m Toni... I’ve seen your store on Instagram...” 

“Hello Toni... this is Bucky...” 

“Which one is Bucky?” 

“I’m Bucky... THIS is Hopper...” he waves a paw in her direction 

“Ahhh well I mean you’re probably booked up for months but...” 

“Is it someone’s name?” 

“No not that dumb... but I’d love a tattoo of a reindeer... is that something you’d... be interested in?” 

“Of course... hang on...” I rummage in my purse for one of my cards and hand it to her “... all the details are on there... I have an online booking system but if you can’t see a date and time that works for you call me on the number and I’ll arrange something” 

“Thank you so much... well... I’d better... enjoy your day guys...” she hovers slightly and blushes “... you’re such a cute family” 

“Thank you Toni” Bucky’s waving after her “...can’t take you anywhere without someone knowing you... and I’m the... person adjacent to Steve Rogers... and she’s right.. we are cute... very... wholesome and domesticated” 

“I’m still not ironing your pants” 

“You can’t even straight iron your hair without an... incident” 

“It’s lucky you’re cute Barnes” 

I’m pulled away from the reindeer. He gets a bag of caramel popcorn before we head inside the store itself. I need decorations for store and apartment. He doesn’t NEED anything, I’m sure Pepper will have coordinated decorations throughout the whole Tower. 

“This is... what the fuck... why are there so many...” 

“So many what...” 

“...this..” he gestures around the store, his hand full of popcorn, some of which gets spilled on to Hopper’s head, which he eats and then sneezes “... bless you puppy... how do you... choose a... style?” 

“Well... to be honest I don’t have a style... I just buy the ones I like whether they match or not then kind of throw it all together and hope for the best” 

“Have I told you I love you today?” 

“You woke me up to tell me...” 

“Well it’s true... ‘throw it together and hope for the best’ sounds like a perfect metaphor for you and me” I try and keep my emotions under control but I’m slightly hungover, on wine, which makes me sleepy AND weepy, I’m in a Christmas TOWN, my ridiculously beautiful boyfriend is standing next to me with OUR puppy in his arms. My bottom lip shakes “... uh oh... sorry” 

“It’s the wine...” 

“Sure it is... come on... you push the cart, and if I put something in it make me explain why or I’ll just buy nonsense and I can’t see me being in my own place before Christmas so I don’t NEED anything... ooo look Sav... ELVES” 

“That’s not any old Elf, that’s THE Elf, buddy” 

“I’m your buddy...” 

“No Buck... I mean yes... but the Elf on there...” he’s holding a tshirt with Elf on it “... he’s called Buddy the elf... it’s a Christmas movie”

“Christmas... movie?” 

“Oh yes... we have... well my favourites are... Santa Claus the Movie, Elf and National Lampoons Christmas Vacation... there’s more but they can be kind of... sappy... then there’s Christmas songs” 

“Like Carols... or hymns?” 

“No... pop songs the best one is called Fairytale of New York... don’t you remember anything about last Christmas? Or Thanksgiving?” 

“No... I mean... I was between stasis and sedation while they... did... don’t know what... take my arm off... dealt with the rest of it... I remember Steve wishing me a Merry Christmas but I couldn’t tell you if that was on Christmas or... I don’t remember movies or songs... I’d certainly remember an Elf... can I get it?” 

“Of course... put it in the cart” 

“Oh my god they have dog outfits? Savannah they have dog outfits...” 

“He can have ONE” 

“Three...” 

“TWO” 

“Done... OH... light up reindeer... I could attach one outside the store for you?” 

“I’m capable of doing it myself” 

He grabs me and pulls me as close as possible with Hopper still strapped to him “... so stubbornly independent... let me take care of you...” 

I pull away and put the box in the cart “... while I’m not a MARRIED woman I’ll cling to my independence thank you... when I have a husband HE can put the reindeer up” I’ve walked away from him pushing the cart, I look back and his mouth is hanging open. 

“You said a YEAR and we’d ‘talk’ about it” 

“Who’s ‘talking’ I’m merely ‘stating’ fact... come on Sargent hustle...” 

“Barnes-Rogers?” 

“Look they’ve got popcorn garlands you make yourself...” 

I drive back to the Tower, Bucky discovers mulled wine, and although he remains perfectly sober, he does have rather a lot of it. So I drive, just in case. He’s had so much of it in fact, it’s slightly stained his lips. 

We get back to the Penthouse, Bucky hiding bags in his room, to find Steve still on the couch, still in his robe. Only Alpine has moved, she’s draped over the back of the couch like a panther on a tree branch. 

“Hey guys... good day?”

“You ok Pal? You were there when we left...” 

“Yeah I’m good... it’s a holiday right? So I’ve taken your advice and relaxed... been watching something called Sons of Anarchy... bought myself a... black leather jacket... the two incidents are not related” 

“Who’s son is it and why is he being an anarchist?” 

“Well I should get the... fur pack home...” I grab Alpine and put her in the cat-pack “... come on Alley Cat...” 

“You sure you won’t stay?” 

“I’ve got a seven am half sleeve... client wanted an early start” 

“We don’t mind an early start do we Buck? Should really... get in the gym... work off the turkey” Steve pats his stomach, like one Thanksgiving dinner has caused his six pack to suddenly vanish 

“Thanks but really... I should go...” 

“Text me so I know you got home safe” 

“Of course...” with Steve being in the room and my avoidance of PDAs I kiss Bucky’s cheek and make my way to the door “... don’t start a motorcycle gang” 

The drive home passes without incident. I leave all the decorations I’ve bought in the Jeep, most of it is for the store anyway. Forget to text Bucky, which clearly stresses him out as by the time I’ve come out of the shower, I’ve got five missed calls and three texts. 

Savannah Rogers (Kirby Dots): sorry... shower... I’m ok, don’t panic 

J. Barnes (Old Man): I should’ve come back with you... need to be in Brooklyn in the morning Pepper found me a property... I’ll come by the store after I’m done.

Savannah Rogers (Kirby Dots): exciting! 

J. Barnes (Old Man): thank you for today, this may be the first holiday season I remember but I’m sure it’s the best one ever... weirdo <3 

Savannah Rogers (Kirby Dots): Weiner Soldier <3 don’t forget your meds 

———

Around nine Bucky comes into the store, I don’t see him but I hear him...

“Sav... I’m taking Hopper...” 

“Why?” 

“I trust his opinion” 

The store doorbell jingles signalling his departure. But he’s not gone for long. Twenty minutes tops. I know it’s him as I hear him talking to Hopper, in Russian.

“Is that it?” 

“Can I come in...?” 

“Yes... Bucky where do you think a sleeve is...?” 

“Erm...” 

“Just come in...” 

He appears in my studio very careful of ‘the wall’ “Hey...” 

“Morning soldier... this is Phil... Phil this is Bucky” 

Bucky’s leaning over examining my work “Is that the Millennium Falcon? Awesome... Hey Phil how’s it going?” As I lean away to put more ink I get a kiss to the top of my head “... ugh dry shampoo” 

“How was it?” 

“I bought it” 

“You’ve been gone twenty minutes” 

“That’s all it took” 

“That’s what she said” I snigger, Bucky looks confused “Never mind... what do you do Bucky?” 

“Retired military... opening a vintage motorcycle repair store” 

“Nice... I’m a web designer... I can do you a mock up of a site... Savannah’s got all of my details... what’s it called?” 

“Oh... I... don’t know... I’ve not even... thought...” 

“Well when you’re ready...” 

“Thanks... Weirdo I’m going to get lunch” 

“It’s not even ten am...” 

“Second breakfast... like the hobbits?” 

He’s gone. But I don’t THINK he’s taken Hopper with him I hear him whine as the store door opens and closes. 

“So...” 

“So...” 

“You’ve got a...” 

“Bucky?” 

“Yeah... and a...” 

“Hopper?” 

“Clearly I’ve not seen you in too long” I’ve known Phil for a long time, he designed the site for my store “... and where did you find him?” 

“Alleyway... literally erm... fell into my lap” 

“What kind of... military?” 

“Covert op” 

“I see... well... he suits you... do you two... live together?” 

“No... Bucky is... old fashioned... wants to get married first” 

“And you don’t want to?” 

“A marriage is hard to... undo... plus I mean who ever talks about marriage before they’ve even been together a year? And it’s not been an... easy year so far... he was... injured and has multiple... problems...” 

“That wasn’t an answer Savannah... it’s a yes or no question” 

“What if he changes his mind?” 

“He bought you a puppy... I’d say that was a certainty he won’t...” 

“I said I’d talk to him about it after a year” 

“Uh huh.... OUCH... Jesus Sav...” 

“You’re not gonna tap out on me are you?” 

“No...” 

———

When Phil leaves, after tapping out in spectacular fashion, Bucky is once again acting as receptionist. Well, he’s sat on the spinning chair spinning himself and Hopper around. Phil leaves without a word, but then if he opens his mouth to speak he might vomit, he’d gone pretty white. 

“Come on then...” 

“Come on what?” 

“Let’s go... I wanna show you my... purchase... I can see from your calendar that you’ve only got walk ins down for the rest of the day...” 

“Didn’t know how long Phil would last before tapping out” 

“Let’s go...” 

“You’re too excited about this...” 

I grab my coat expecting a long walk. We literally get as far as the Bean, he’s carried Hopper and pulled me along. 

“Well...” 

“What am I looking at? Because this is the Bean...” 

“No Doll...” he spins me round so I’m facing a derelict boarded up building “... ta daaaa” 

“Bucky... it looks... condemned?” We cross the street so we can get a closer look, he’s got a set of keys that he’s produced for his pocket, using them to unlock a panel of the plywood that’s been used to board it up. It’s a door, thankfully and I’m not gonna be made to climb in through a broken window “... there better not be anything dead in here...” 

It takes me a moment for my eyes to adjust as it’s pretty dark in there, but when they do the moment I lay my eyes on it I know exactly why he’s bought it. 

“It was a... reserve... firehouse... so... this is where the engine was kept and upstairs... is a... studio apartment... it’s great... but I won’t show you... because there is a dead bird up there... what do you think?” 

“I think you walked in saw the pole and said you’d take it” 

“I mean... no but... yes... who wouldn’t want to get to work like they were Batman?”


	30. Yule shoot your eye out (part I)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is more a convo in my head while I worked things out, but it was easier to write than think, so y’all may as well have it

“You’re serious then?” 

“Steve I bought a building... yes I’m serious” 

“I just didn’t think it would be so... soon” 

“Well it won’t be till the New Year I just thought I’d get a head start” 

“It’s not like you have masses of... belongings to take...” 

“I’m packing my journals pal that’s all... I mean so far, it has no heat, power, furniture, running water...” 

“I just feel that...” 

“Stevie... please stop... it’s only Brooklyn, we used to live there, Savannah’s there, and I can always talk to you on Skynet or Zumba...” 

“Skynet is a fictional AI, Zumba is a form of dance, you mean Skype and Zoom... are you sure you’re ready?” 

“Yes Steve” 

“Just be mindful of your relationship with Savannah, she is a busy person with her own life to lead, her own business to run... don’t make her feel obliged to help you with yours” 

“Oh fuck you Pal... I’m well aware of all that... Pepper has found me a business liaison to help, and Savannah is teaching me how to use... accounting software because she’s already told me she doesn’t have the time to do mine as well... and besides at least I have a relationship to be mindful of...” 

“Touché... I just thought...” 

“My war is over Stevie... so is yours... you don’t have to fight anymore” 

“I wouldn’t know what else to do?” 

“Take an art class, learn to roller skate, I don’t know... the world we left in the forties was limited, now it’s not... which brings me to my next problem... in a world of endless gift ideas why can’t I decide what to buy Savannah for Christmas?” 

“What are the options?” 

“That’s the problem there’s too many... vacation to Disney? I bought her a necklace for her birthday and she doesn’t wear anything else other than a fruit watch...” 

“Apple” 

“Where?” 

“No... Apple Watch...” 

“Right...” 

“You bought her a puppy” 

“A puppy with a purpose... gifts aren’t supposed to have a purpose” 

“Yeah how’s his purpose working out?” 

“He’ll get there... he already gets defensive over her...”

“Clothes?” 

“Nah... I don’t trust myself enough to buy something she’d like”

“Sneakers? Tony once told me people pay so much money for certain brands because they’re limited edition, and you can have them customised... what are you doing?” 

“Writing that idea down, it’s a good one... next” 

“Next what?”

“Idea” 

“She’s your girlfriend”

“I don’t want to spend big money... like Tony for Pepper money, not that she’s not worth it but I want something more... thoughtful... like when we had sex in space” 

“You did what now?”

“I turned my room into outer space because Tony said I couldn’t use a jet”

“You can barely drive never mind fly...”

“Wait... I’ve got it... how do you book things?” 

“What kind of ‘things’?” 

“Music... bands... giggles” 

“Gigs they’re just called ‘gigs’ and honestly I don’t know... but we could ask Sam... or Peter...” 

“Not Tony... I don’t want to book a band... I want to take her to see a band” 

“Which band?” 

“Something LOUD, something where people jump around and sing and shout and scream and sweat all that good stuff...” 

“Not the opera then?” 

“Nope as far from the opera as I can get... what are you doing?” 

“Texting Peter... he says that there’s a website called Ticketmaster that will help you... but he says it will also steal your soul” 

“Well that sounds... ominous” 

“Here... it says we can search by music... genre... what the hell is a genre? Oh wait... type of music...” 

“Put ‘emo’” 

“Ok... these are the options for ‘emo’ whatever that is” 

“Emotional rock, or something like that... ah yes that one... perfect... Madison Square Garden? Isn’t that a sports place?” 

“I think lots of places are multipurpose now... it says you need to create an account, think you can manage that?” 

“I was the worlds best assassin... I can handle a website”


	31. Yule shoot your eye out (part II)

Bucky decides in his best wisdom that he’s going to spend the night in his new place. It’s got no heat, power, or water. Or furniture. He drags some kind of field combat pack from the tower with a foldout bed, sleeping bag, lamp, camping stove etc up to the apartment in there. Both me AND Steve tell him not to do this. He shouts us both down telling us he was a soldier in World War Two he can handle this. By one am he’s in my apartment shivering sipping hot chocolate, admitting he was a fool, BUT the sleeping bag was meant for desert combat, he should’ve gotten one meant for colder climates. 

He doesn’t try again. 

I have been avoiding therapy like it’s the plague. I’ve not been since I got back from Wakanda. I’ve made endless excuses, mainly ‘too busy’ and ‘no need I’m fine’ but I start to feel like everything is piling on top of me. Even little things seem to huge to deal with. And I don’t want to spend my first Christmas with Bucky with my depression truly in session so I haul my ass to the Tower. Hewie says ‘so...’ and that’s it, the tears start and don’t stop for ninety minutes. He just sits and listens while I wail occasionally passing me a new tissue when the one I’m holding becomes more snot than paper. 

“Feel better?” 

“Much” 

“It’s alright to cry Savannah... everyone needs a release” 

“It doesn’t solve anything though” 

“Think of yourself as the puzzle, the solution of the puzzle is to release your emotions instead of keeping them pent up... let yourself cry every so often” 

“I’m not... crazy...” 

“No... as I’ve said before you have been through a lot, and the recent incident with the bartender... I bet you didn’t deal with it properly, just went back to normal life... it’s ok to tell people you’re going through something you don’t have to consistently be this jolly happy strong seeming person... plus you have a person in your life... lean on him...” 

“He’s been through enough” 

“That he has but partnerships need to be equal... while your pasts are not comparable they way you feel now about it is... talk to him... let him see you cry and not just because you’ve had too much wine... let your walls down slightly... you can always put them back up... and don’t leave it so long between our sessions...” 

“I won’t...” 

“You know... I’d be happy to recommend a trainer who could work with your puppy, a lot of people have service dogs... it wouldn’t be... complex or too specialised, he’d be trained to read your moods, Bucky’s anxieties...” 

“I’ll think about it... I mean he’s already supposed to be a guard dog... honestly I get enough from him just as a companion” 

“Understood... let’s do this again, a week before Christmas... just because people, by which I mean everyone can struggle with emotions at this time of year... deal?” 

“Deal... thank you Hewie” 

“Thank yourself for realising you need help, it’s a very brave thing to do” 

I don’t see Bucky as I leave, for which I am grateful. He doesn’t need to see my tear stained face. I take a longer way home so I can compose myself. Which I when I see it. The perfect Christmas gift for Bucky, sitting at the side of the road. I offer the guy selling a lot of money and then when I explain what it’s for he halves the price I offered him, even says he’ll deliver on Christmas Eve. It’ll have to be hidden in the store, last thing. I’ll take him down there on the day. 

When I do get home he’s there. And he’s not alone. I’d left Hopper in his crate. Which I felt wretchedly guilty about. He’s thankfully out of his cage and meets me half way down the stairs nearly tripping me up so I pick him up and carry him the rest of the way. 

“Hey Doll... where you been?” He reads my face realises it’s something I don’t want to talk about in front of Steve and Sam “... oh I remember now... suppliers right?” 

“Right... to what do I owe the honour of Avengers in my apartment?” I let Hopper down and he goes to sit by Bucky on the floor. 

Sam’s on the couch sipping coffee “Bucket wanted to show us his purchase, it’s gross... can’t believe he tried to sleep there” 

“It won’t always be gross...” 

Steve’s sitting in my armchair with Alpine curled round his shoulders like a scarf “We came here to... get warm... sorry to intrude” 

“It’s fine... you’re welcome here any time... would you like to stay for dinner? I’m not much of a cook but I can order takeout pretty efficiently...” 

“Thank you but Sam and I have things to do... back at the Tower... Buck I take it you’re staying?” 

He looks at me “Why would I leave?”

“Sam?” 

“Ready when you are Cap” 

Sam’s off the couch and kindly putting his and Steve’s coffee mugs in the sink for me, not like Bucky who will leave stuff everywhere, I was leaving it till he realised but... gross. 

“Thanks for the loves Alpine” he’s placed her in the chair they were sat in 

“Maybe your chasing the wrong kind of tail Steve” 

“Bucky!” 

“Inappropriate?” He looks at me 

“Little bit Buck... little bit” 

“Enjoy your evening guys... Sam...” Steve’s lingering in the doorway 

“For what it’s worth... Bucky I’m happy for you... this... life you have with Savannah and the ‘pack’ it’s well deserved...” 

“Thank you?” 

“You’re still a dickhead though” 

“Fair... pigeon boy” 

“Bucket... laters other Rogers” 

“Bye Sam” 

I can hear them laughing down the stairs and out the door. 

“You’re... upset... with... me?” 

“No Buck... I was at the Tower with Hewie... therapy, I’ve been avoiding it but I’ve been feeling a bit... meh” 

He’s wrapped his arms around me, Hopper at his feet “Well... I’ve got a plan for us this evening... non sexual... we can take Hopper... don’t know about Alley Cat though...” 

“Ok... if we’re going out I’ll just put some...” 

“Nah... no make up... let me admire those freckles for the evening and I know, I know you don’t wear it for anyone but yourself... but you don’t need it... trust me” 

“What are you up to?” 

“Why are you so cynical when it comes to compliments?” I narrow my eyes at him “I’ll drive...” 

“There it is... buttering me up so you can drive...” 

“No... how dare you... I’m offended” 

“Uh huh... come on then... Hopper let’s see what madness is going to happen this evening huh?” 

First we have to eat. Me probably even more so than Bucky, for once. But with Hopper in the car with us we can’t go and sit down so drive thru it is and my go to food for when I’ve been in a funk is KFC. I get a three piece, Bucky obviously gets a bucket, makes me take a photo of him with the bucket and send it to Sam. This is the first time he’s had KFC, that he can remember anyway. 

He gets odd ideas in his head, like when he couldn’t understand why people would want to drink Dr Pepper. He tried it AFTER I explained it didn’t actually contain pepper. 

I’m pretty sure something similar had happened with KFC, he’s not yet learnt that if it’s on the internet it doesn’t strictly mean it’s true. He’d probably seen the ‘Kentucky Fried Mouse’ urban legend. 

He loves it of course. Especially the gravy. I’m thankful I’ve got wipes in my pocket for picking up after Hopper because Bucky driving with non greasy fingers is bad enough. And it’s Bucky that feeds Hopper naughty things this time, letting him lick the bottom of his gravy tub. 

We get to where we are going without incident, without Hopper trying to steer. 

“Christmas trees?” 

“Yup... come on Doll... you need two real ones, one for the store and one for the apartment” 

“I was just going to get artificial ones” 

“Yeah Pepper has those at the tower... they don’t... smell right... I’ll pay” He’s out the drivers seat and coming round to open the passenger door for me, offering his hand to help me out 

“Such chivalry will get you far Sargent” 

“Oh I’m hoping it will...” now I’m out the car he’s lifting Hopper down from the back seat, putting his lead on his harness “... now listen pup... there’s lots of trees yes, but they are NOT for peeing on... OK?” Hoppers got one ear standing up the other flopping down tilting his head “... exactly... m’lady...” he’s offering his hand for me to hold, which I gladly accept it’s freezing out here, I hope this doesn’t take long. 

“You don’t need to pay Buck...” 

“Stubborn independence?” 

“The stubbornest” 

“Rogers-Barnes?” 

“I’ll need one that doesn’t shed everywhere... these ones here look good” 

“Yup that’s what I thought” 

I pick the tree for the store, he picks the one for the apartment. The one he picks is half bald and lopsided. Says he feels sorry for it, it should get to live it’s Christmas destiny like all the others. While I don’t admit it out loud, it’s absolutely perfect. Reminds me of him when I first found him, scruffy and lopsided. 

Trees loaded on top of the Jeep I’m glad to be back in the warm of the car, even with him driving back. 

“Can I stay at the apartment on Christmas Eve?” 

“Don’t you wanna be with Steve?” 

“Well... see... here’s the thing... I know your Mom is coming but...” 

“I’d just assumed you and Steve would turn up for lunch on Christmas Day? I mean Sam will be going home to his family and I know Nat is going to Clint’s...” 

“You’re the best...” he leans over to kiss me 

“Bucky... road...”

“Yup... yup” 

“I don’t think there’s room in the apartment for Steve to stay as well as you me and my Mom” 

“Nah... he can stay at the Tower, but I invited him for lunch” 

“If he tries to make out with my Mom I’ll stab him with a meat thermometer” 

“I’d expect nothing less” 

———

When we get back Bucky drags the trees inside and I busy myself with putting Hopper in his cage. The next part of what I know will make me feel better after therapy is Bucky’s naked skin against mine. 

I’m already down to my underwear when he’s propping the shabby tree against the kitchen counter. 

“Where are the decorations... why is the puppy in his cage?” I’m standing in the doorway to the bedroom when he finally sees me “...oh... well... hey there” 

“Hi...” 

He’s walked over to me, dumping his jacket on the couch. A metal hand cups my face “... so although MY plan for this evening was not sexual YOURS was?” I nod “... are you sure you’re ok?” 

“...I will be... you wanna get naked and fuck around?” 

“Obviously... but how about we get naked, get under the covers and... cuddle... see where it leads us?” 

Where it leads is an orgasm so strong from him going down on me that I have to literally lay down for thirty minutes before my body stops being jelly and we can proceed with anything else. I let him take control, sometimes I need him to. I need to relinquish my control in more places than the bedroom but it’s as good a place as any to start. 

I end up on my back with my legs draped over him. He’s literally cradling me, I don’t think I’ve ever felt as connected to a person, physically or emotionally. 

I stay in bed while he goes to take the puppy out to pee. While wearing a bizarre outfit of pyjamas, my UGG boots (which fit him and he loves) and a padded coat that he finally gave in and bought after admitting New York was cold. 

“Can I bring the puppy to bed?” He’s back in the doorway to the bedroom with Hopper in his arms 

“Crate training?” 

“I know... I know... but... look at his face...” 

“Alright... but you fed him gravy earlier so when he starts puppy farting the room up...” 

“He can go back in the crate...” 

“Come on then...” I fling the covers back, Bucky puts Hopper at the end of the bed where he immediately zonks out, probably exhausted from chasing his tail round and round in his crate “...and if you start farting you’re on the couch with him” 

“Mean...” he’s sling himself over me, head on my shoulder arms and legs like a freaking octopus “... therapy was... hard today huh?” 

“It wasn’t the greatest” 

“Wanna talk about it?” he’s holding my hand under the cover, his metal hand, an appendage used for destruction now used for comfort and care 

“I need to lean on you more...” 

“Yeah... you do” 

“But you’ve been through so much without my mental health woes on top of it” 

“And you have been through some really traumatic things this year BECAUSE of me... and I know... even though you don’t talk about it verbally that your past... romantic relationships have left you with lasting mental scars... it’s... it’s not about you not being independent and having to RELY on me... it’s about you telling me you’re having a hard day in your head, or that you’ve had a panic attack for no particular reason... you don’t need to hide it from me... don’t put on a brave face for me... ever” 

“I can’t cry in front of people... not people that I know anyway... and I struggle with crying as a whole to be honest... when you were on the... mission I allowed myself to cry a bit but... probably not as much as I should’ve...” 

“Do you know why?” 

“It feels like a waste of time... doesn’t solve anything” 

“But keeping things inside doesn’t help” 

“No... it doesn’t” 

“So when you get tearful on the wine...” 

“That’s just hormones plus alcohol... I once cried at a commercial for Disney’s Swan Princess cartoon after two glasses of rose...” 

“Adorable” I nudge him with my elbow “... I’ll make you a deal... we BOTH go to therapy, once a week... like a super non fun outing but afterwards we sit and talk to each other about what happened... where it’s absolutely fine to cry... then we’ll get takeout and eat our feelings?”

“You can eat YOUR feelings... I’ll eat... SOME of mine... it’s not as easy for me to burn it off...” 

“Yeah well we could always find a way to burn it off...” 

“Mind in your pants as usual...” 

“I was talking about walking the puppy... now... sleep” 

“Thanks Buck” 

“You’re welcome...” I start to drift off to sleep, body and mind exhausted “Sav?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I swear that was the dog not me”


	32. Yule shoot your eye out (part III)

“Ready?” 

“Yes... I mean no...” 

“Relax Bucky” 

“My old squad the English ones would say ‘lay back and think of England’”

“Well then... lay back and think of America” 

“No because that makes me think of Steve and I don’t want to think of Steve at a time... like this” 

“Ok well don’t think of Steve... ready?” 

“Still no... it’s going to hurt isn’t it?” 

“Only if you tense up... relax... don’t you trust me?” 

“In principle yes... with that... thing maybe not so much...” 

“Are you comfortable in that position?” 

“What position should I be in?” 

“Doesn’t really matter... it’s still going in you” 

“Oh god...” 

“We can stop... I won’t think any less of you... or if you think it’s going to... trigger you” 

“Why would it trigger me... I’ve done it before...” 

“But you don’t remember” 

“I’m not gonna get triggered... how long will it take?” 

“Depends on how much you wriggle” 

“Right... I’m ready...” 

“Good... relax... here we... go” 

“OW JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SAVANNAH” 

“Come on Buck... I’ve done this to women who look like a stiff breeze would blow them over” 

“Ok... ok... I’m ready this time... WAIT... did you put the numbing cream there?” 

“Yes” 

“Could’ve fooled me...” 

“I’m starting again... don’t tense up so much... that’s it... much better” 

“Is... it... is it working?” 

“Seems to be... you can open your eyes and look” 

“Oh... oh... blood” 

“You were LITERALLY in the war...” 

“Yes but...” 

“That’s it... I’m stopping... find someone else to do it to you” 

“Nope... don’t stop... I’m... I’m good” 

Bucky had decided it was... time. 

He was ready to at least... try. 

So here we are after hours, I’ve got a tattoo gun in my hand and he’s being a total wimp about it. I’m literally doing one outline line and one tiny patch of shading to see how his skin reacts. I’m not about to get him to sit for four hours while I draw a huge eagle (although he’s still not decided what he wants) if even a little bit of ink won’t stick. It seems to be going alright, looks normal, but it could just heal over within the next twenty four hours then we’ll have to come up with a new plan. 

“How you doing?” 

“Well... I mean I know it’s not the... worst thing I’ve been through... did yours hurt?” 

“You know that it’s a fact women have higher pain thresholds than men do right?” 

“Right” 

“So some of them were... uncomfortable... I’ve never been in agony with one, but it’s why people tend to only do a few hours at a time as it gets too much to bare, longest I sat was six hours and I shook for six more hours after we’d done... arms are probably one of the least painful places... most painful tends to be anywhere there’s bone although when I got behind my ear tattooed I thought that was gonna be awful I fully expected my brain to rattle but it didn’t at all...” I lean back to see properly “...there the number is gone...” 

“It’s gone?” 

“It’s covered in a line... I’m going to do the shading now ok? Still want blue?” 

“Yes please...” 

“You doing ok?” 

“Yup... you know I’m pretty sure HYDRA gave me something to bite down on” 

“That’s it... I quit...” 

“Doll... I’m yanking your chain... I swear... you go for it... OW” 

“I’ve not even touched...” I look at his smirk “...me and you are gonna fall out I swear” I spend five minutes shading his bicep, with the same effect, the ink sticks for now. And thankfully he doesn’t get any paler. I hand him a candy sucker after I’m done “...it helps... now this is called ‘second skin’ it can stay on for twenty four hours... don’t poke it, scratch it, or let Hopper... lick it OK”

“Yes ma’am” 

“Now I guess we wait...” 

“Maybe I’ll get loads of them...” 

“Uh huh” I’m cleaning up the little bit of equipment and ink I’d gotten set up “... here’s the thing with that though... you’ve yet to decide on ONE” 

“How did you choose?” 

“Well I always knew I wanted my big pieces to be things I loved... you know... ‘nerd’ stuff, but the little ones they’re just random, I’d usually wake up and think... I’m gonna get a tattoo of a alien today and I would, sometimes you gotta just... do it” 

“I’ll get your name tattooed in an arrow heart like that stupid song” 

“Noooope do you know how many names I cover up? Tattoos are way more permanent than marriage” 

“Huh I hadn’t thought of it like that... Rogers-Barnes?” 

“Are you gonna spend all night flexing your bicep in the mirror or are we gonna decorate the wonky tree?” 

“Wonky tree...” 

Hopper had been lounging in his bed in the front of the store. He’s gotten way better at us being in the next room with the door closed without whining. His legs are also too big for his body and it’s kind of hilarious. 

He pees on his favourite hydrant before we head upstairs. When we do Bucky stops on the middle floor. 

“So you’d tattoo in here?” 

“I’d build a room that the other stairs lead into... and no... you’re not building it I don’t care how many youtube tutorials you watch...” 

“Why are the boxes and screens like that?” 

“I built a fort...” 

“Without me?” 

“I had an idea” 

“I’m listening....” 

“Well I figured we could sleep in the fort... I’ve got a super comfy blow up mattress that’ll go in there, and Mom can sleep in my bed... when it’s Christmas obviously, not tonight” 

“You’re magic I swear...” 

“Come on Barnes... wonky tree... if Alley Cat hasn’t pulled it down” 

Thankfully she hasn’t. Bucky had fixed it into a stand, making it as upright as possible. That’s as far as we’d gotten with it. I’d let Jed decorate the store tree. Which now looked like it had lost a fight with a stripper given the amount of glitter he’d poured on to it. Glitter would be everywhere... forever. So no glitter in the apartment. Tinsel, string lights and the most random assortment of decorations, some bought at Christmas Town, some inherited from my Mom. 

“There’s a letter here addressed to me?” Hopper gets straight on the couch, I think he might be part sloth. Bucky’s stood at the kitchen counter where I’d left the letter out for him. 

“I know... open it” 

I knew what was inside, I’d already opened mine. My Mom had gotten personalised decorations. Mine was a Christmas angel with my name, Bucky’s that he’d just opened was a little drummer boy. 

“It has my name on it... look... it says Bucky... I’m Bucky” 

“Yeah you are” 

“I don’t think I’ve ever had anything with my name on before... apart from... army things...” 

“Well now you do... do you want a Baileys?” 

“Who’s Bailey?” 

“It’s a drink... it’s basically cream with alcohol in it... and I know you won’t feel the effects of the alcohol but it’s... well it’s my Christmas tradition...” 

“Then yes please... now which goes first?” 

“I usually go lights, tinsel, flags, decoration” 

“Flags?” 

“Yeah little Norwegian flags on string, they’re in that tin there... my Dad made them...” 

He’s opened the tin that was on the living room table “Who are these guys?” 

“Julenisse... Christmas elves” 

“Maybe I should go a beard like these guys” he’s dangling the little wooden ornament in front of his face 

“Maybe not... here” I may have been slightly generous with my measures of Baileys but fuck it, it’s Christmas. 

“Where are we gonna sit... to eat I mean?” 

“At the table?” 

“There’s not enough room?” 

“You mean for all the food as opposed to the four people?” 

“Yes...” 

“Don’t worry Sargent... do you like the Baileys?” He takes a HUGE gulp and splutters “... you’re supposed to SIP it... SIP” 

“Oh...” he takes a smaller gulp, not a sip “... yeah it’s... wooo that is...” 

“Alcohol and cream?” 

“Exactly... lights?” 

“In the box in the bag there...” 

“Are you just gonna sit and drink while I do this?” 

I’ve sat down on the couch, Baileys in hand “...only while you do the lights and the tinsel... then we can both put the ornaments on?” 

“Deal...” 

“If your head spins out... please sit down...” 

“Nah...” he’s unwrapping the lights and winding them round the tree “... I don’t think it will... I mean Rebecca was the littlest so she would get lifted up by my Pops to put the star on the tree, and I was a teenager by then... way too cool for it... I got a pocket watch one year... I mean it wasn’t new, it had been my grandfathers, I lost it during the war, he’d tan my hide so hard if he knew I’d lost it and it was doing something dumb as well, fighting... proper brawling outside a bar in Paris not in battle... my Mom would bake gingerbread cookies though, and me and Stevie would have them with hot milk.... he’d come for Christmas dinner... because I didn’t want him to be alone... kinda like this year huh Doll...” 

He’s spun round to me “Yeah Buck...” 

He goes back to pick up some tinsel from the bag “I didn’t know that this morning did I?” 

“No Buck...” I’m off the couch as he drops to the floor tinsel still in hand. I sit behind him, wrapping my body around him in a bear hug “... does your head hurt?” Hopper realising something is wrong is on the floor with us, laid half in Bucky’s lap. 

“A bit... but in a good way...” 

“... you want me to fetch you some meds?” 

“No... can you rub my head though... your nails always feel nice on my scalp...” I let my fingers drag slowly across his head, raking through his hair, it’s getting kind of shaggy, modern hairdressers overwhelm him somewhat so he goes to a traditional barbers with Steve, I’ll remind him but not now “... would you bake some gingerbread cookies for me?” 

“Gotta tell you... I am not a good baker but for you I will try... add it to the reasons I would be a terrible wife” 

“Barnes-Rogers?” 

“Should I make some for Steve too?” 

“Yeah... hey puppy... you’re a good boy huh... I’m alright now...” 

“Sure?” 

“Sure...” 

“I’m gonna stay on the floor with the pup... just in case...” 

He’s up and away, hair sticking up at crazy angles where I’d been rubbing his head. He and Hopper get tangled in the tinsel. Alpine appears and has her own fight club with a left over garland. It’s chaos for ten minutes. I give up sitting on the floor to go pour us more drinks. 

We each start at separate sides of the tree with idea that we’ll meet in the middle putting the decorations on. He TRIES to have some kind of... decorative order, I just throw things on there till I run out of places to put them. We do meet in the middle where we put our personalised decorations next to each other, front and centre. 

“There’s no star?” 

“There was... but it was a... red star... when I realised I threw it out... haven’t had chance to get another...” 

“But your stars on your left ankle are red... and HYDRA didn’t put them there...” 

“Red and black...” 

“Same thing... I’ll get another one... maybe I could make one... you turn off the lights and I’ll turn the tree lights on... ready?” 

“Ready...” My apartment will never be truly dark, it’s in too much of a built up area and I have no blinds in the main room but the warm glow of the winter sky and the twinkle of the tree lights, it’s... beautiful “Buck?” 

He’s gone all quiet standing in front of the tree so I go stand beside him and hold his hand “... well throw it all together and hope for the best really works huh?” 

“Yeah it does...” 

“Fruit” 

“Huh?” 

“I’d always get a piece of fruit in my stocking... but it wasn’t a stocking... it was one of my long socks” 

“What kind of fruit?” 

“One of those small oranges... I got a toy car one year, made of tin, it was racing car red, with black rubber wheels” 

I rest my head on his shoulder “You... ok?” 

“I wish I remembered more...” 

“It’ll come... in time...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sure some more... plot will happen at some point but for now I’m gonna write these cute fluffy short chapters, I work in a care home and they help keep me sane as I write them in my head as I go about my day.   
> And thank you so much, for all the reading of this fic, honestly you guys are making my year <3


	33. Yule shoot your eye out (part IV)

With the good memories come the bad. They’re not so much memories more ‘triggers’. 

The first one happens on the beach, we’d taken Hopper down to the shore in the late afternoon sun. A plane went over head, maybe a little too low yes, probably headed for JFK or Newark, a commercial airliner not a jet but as soon as he heard the sound of the engine overhead he threw me to the ground and then himself on top of me. His whole body shielding mine until he felt the ‘danger’ had passed. I sat with him in the sand not caring I was getting wet or that I literally had sand in my mouth until his anxiety attack passed. An elderly couple who were also on the beach walked past us, Bucky’s too busy fussing Hopper to notice as the lady mouths ‘soldier?’ I nod and she gives me a look of understanding sympathy and doesn’t enquire anymore as to why we’re sitting in the wet sand, in December. 

He said felt silly, I told him I’d done stranger things during an anxiety attack. I half carried him back to the car and got him a jumbo hot chocolate with whipped cream on the way home, soothe his soul a little bit. I don’t tell Steve, I don’t think he does either. 

The next one happens first thing on a morning, the sun is barely up, we’re getting breakfast in my apartment and a garbage truck backfires in the alleyway. This time I’m thrown under the table. He thinks a bomb has dropped. Again he shields me. 

“It was a truck...” 

“Huh?” He’s got his arms so tight round me I can’t move 

“A truck backfiring... in the alleyway... it’s safe, I promise...” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Very much... wanna eat breakfast under here or we could get Dunkin on the way to the Tower?” 

“Why the Tower?” 

“Think you need to see Reagan” 

“What about work?” 

“You’re more important” 

All the way there he insists he’s fine. He probably is. But I want to just make sure. For the first time ever he asks if I’ll go in with him, thankfully we don’t see Steve on the way as if HE saw I was there he’d know something was wrong and I know that Bucky is desperately trying to more or less stand on his own two feet away from him. 

“Good Morning Savannah... James... thank you for calling me, although I have to say... I’m not qualified in relationship counselling” 

I’d called her while Bucky got dressed, didn’t say why I thought it best let Bucky explain. We’re sitting side by side on a low leather couch with Reagan in an armchair opposite us. To look at him you wouldn’t know anything was wrong, he’s very relaxed, sat back... arm slung around my back, smiling. He is full of coffee and donuts though so that might be something to do with it and there’s a puppy at his feet. 

“Bucky’s... sorry do you want to...” 

“Go ahead Doll” 

“He’s had a couple of flashbacks... triggers... a low flying airplane, a back firing truck... he’s acted as I’m sure he did during the war, he’s thrown me down and shielded me...” 

“I see... James... tell me about it” 

“It’s instinct...” 

“Why is this affecting you know do you think?” 

“My memory has been coming back... not completely but I am having... recollections...” 

“And for the most part has this been a positive experience for you?” 

“Yeah... although it makes my head hurt and I fall over when it happens” 

“That must be scary... for both of you... I would say though... the falling over... it’s... your brain controls your movements, all of a sudden your brain is flooded with something... overwhelming and it can’t cope with making you stand up as well... does that make sense?” Bucky nods “... how’s your anxiety?” 

“When it’s happened... I mean when it WAS the war, it was simply my way of life... in Europe it was expected, planes and bombs so it was just another day of a soldier but HERE it’s... not usual to me, I don’t see it every day...”

“Which makes you anxious?” 

“Yes... it takes me a while to calm down... I feel calm now but when I saw the plane... and we were on the beach... it was... horrible I couldn’t breathe” 

“And what was your main cause for anxiety?” 

“That Savannah was going to die” 

He’d not told me this, I’d not asked the direct cause of the anxiety attack, just did my best to calm him until it was over “Oh Bucky...” 

“And that it was my fault... it’s doesn’t make sense... because my brain gets muddled, it firstly shouts WAR... DANGER... then... wait why is Savannah here, she wasn’t in the war... and before my brain can sort it out into order I just know I need to protect her... even though the danger isn’t real” 

“I think it’s a perfectly natural reaction to what you believe to be a very real danger James... and I am sure that in time... as you have more recollections that it will become easier to deal with... the world you remember in your... youth was very different to the world now... has something happened recently thats brought about this recent bout of recollections?” 

“The holiday season... it first happened on Thanksgiving” 

“Yes when you were in the park?” 

“Right... and when we put up the tree in Savannah’s apartment... I remembered christmases when I was a kid...” 

“Fear and love are the two biggest emotions there are... and sentiment is a huge part of both of them... sentiment will be a big part of these recollections, if I asked you OR Savannah to recall a random Tuesday afternoon in say... April... you’d struggle but an event... like a family holiday... the memories will be stronger... I’m sure as this holiday season progresses you’ll have more recollections... good ones... as for the bad, you must remember the world... well this part of it anyway is not at war anymore... a loud noise is usually just that, a plane is mostly for pleasure, for business... not for dropping bombs... and as for your need to protect Savannah it’s totally understandable, she’s undergone two major events this year yet you must remember they were not your fault...” 

“But...” 

“HYDRA capturing YOU was NOT your fault... the chain of events leading to them capturing Savannah was NOT your fault... I promise you James... Savannah how do you feel YOU’RE coping with James’s recent... memory problems?” 

“To be honest I’m probably better at comforting him than I am myself, I just get angry with myself... with him I have nothing but love, sympathy and understanding... but that’s nothing new” 

“Try and offer yourself some of those things...” 

“I know...” 

“Has it frightened you... when James has protected you?” 

“On the beach, yes... but it was more... a shock... when the truck backfired earlier I kind of knew it was going to happen I just didn’t act quick enough to comfort him before he threw me under the table” 

“Do either of you feel this is putting any kind of... strain on your relationship? In... terms of time... your relationship is in its infancy... this could pull apart a couple that had been together for a lifetime...” 

Bucky looks at me and smiles then turns back to Reagan “I worry she’ll think it’s... too much... I wouldn’t blame her if she did want out, I’ve put her through so much and who knows what’ll happen next... I seem to be a magnet for... trouble even without a faulty brain” 

“Savannah?” 

“I knew what I was getting into... I saw his file... knew who he was... what he’d done... and I still let him in my life, my concerns were never about that... they’ve always been based on past... experiences in relationships... not the... solider... I’ll never give up on him... I’m not sure I’ve ever... ever loved someone as much as I do him... I just want him to be... at peace with himself” 

“You make me feel peaceful... I sleep better next to her, I feel... whole when I’m with her... all the stuff I can’t remember doesn’t matter because she’s enough to make up for it... and the best yet at times annoying part of her is she doesn’t NEED me... she’s independent, stubbornly so... has her own business and home and life...” 

“Of course I need you... it may not be in the ‘traditional’ sense... I don’t need you to ‘provide’ for me but I need your love and warmth and care” 

“You do?” 

“A hundred percent” 

“And although I said... I’m not a relationship counsellor... you two have a very healthy partnership... James if you are triggered again TRY and think before you act... ask yourself if it’s reality... ok?” 

“Yup” 

“And Savannah... be kinder TO YOURSELF” 

“I know... I know...” 

“You did the right thing calling me this morning... if it happens again, dramatically... please do so again... but I think we’re done here... for now... right Hopper?” I see puppy ears spring up “...he’s very cute...” 

Bucky rolls his eyes “... he’s supposed to be fearsome...” 

She laughs “So were you...” 

We try to leave The Tower without running into anyone. Unfortunately Steve is waiting for us outside Reagan’s office. He’s obviously been there a while. 

“Is everything ok? I saw Savannah’s Jeep in the garage, you weren’t in the penthouse and I knew you didn’t have... therapy today... but FRIDAY said you were here” 

“I’m fine Pal... fine...” 

Steve looks to me “Don’t look at me” 

Bucky sighs “I’ve had a couple of... panic attacks... nothing bad... but Savannah thought and I agreed that I should see Reagan... for reassurance” 

“And...” 

“Reagan says I’m fine... right Doll?” 

“She did Steve... honestly... do you have plans for today?” 

“Not... really?” 

“Bucky said his Mom used to bake gingerbread cookies” Steve’s face lights up at this recollection “... now I’m not much of a cook but I’ll give it a try... why don’t you go back to the penthouse, Bucky and I will go and get ingredients” 

“I’m sure they’ll have what we need in the kitchen...” 

“It’s ok... Hopper needs to pee anyway... and whatever is in the kitchen is probably super fancy, we need basic ingredients not imported flour from Paris or whatever Tony Stark thinks baking ingredients should be... BUT you could ask for a baking tray and some parchment paper” 

“Done...” 

——— 

We go to Whole Foods, which is the nearest grocery store to the Tower, we can’t leave Hopper outside he’s too little so we take him in with us. He’s got a label on his harness that says ‘service dog’ even though strictly he isn’t one, but if we’re questioned they can deal with Tony Stark and his army of lawyers. Some things he is useful for I guess. 

I usually shop at the Bodega or Walmart, Whole Foods makes me nervous, BUT they’re gonna sell flour that’s not been... tampered with... like the stuff Bucky’s Mom will have used, not bleached or refined or enriched with additives. 

“We’ll need a cookie cutter...” 

We’re standing in the baking section, Bucky’s looking a bit out of place “... I don’t know why Steve loves this store so much... it’s too... green” 

“I like the ready made salads and sushi... their convenience food is way nicer than where I normally shop but yeah... it is very... green... pick a cookie shape...” 

He runs his tongue over his bottom lip, it’s what he does when he’s concentrating, when he’s being... seductive, he bites his bottom lip, I’ll freely admit it makes me feel... things. 

“Round?” 

“What would your Mom use? Can you remember? Think about it... I bet you’d try and steal one from the cooling rack and burn your fingers as she slapped your hand away” 

“Star” 

“Yeah” 

“Star it is...” I look at the recipe on my phone “...right we need ground ginger, brown sugar... Steve will have eggs but get some just in case... and... butter or margarine?” 

“Butter... always butter...” 

“I used to lick the spoon” 

“Yeah?” 

As he rubs his head, Hopper rubs round his ankles “Yeah when she made cakes... and her... apron it had... pink flowers on it... would you come with me?” 

“Where to?” 

“I know where they’re... buried... my family...” 

“You haven’t been before?” 

“No... it didn’t seem right... not because of who I was but because I didn’t remember them... I do now” 

“Of course I will... in the New Year?” 

“Yeah... let’s not do depressing things... it’s Christmas...” 

I take Hopper outside while Bucky pays. When he meets us outside he’s clutching a bunch of flowers wrapped in Christmas paper, it’s so large it almost obscures his head, there’s red and green roses with tiny white flowers nestled between them. 

“Erm...” 

“Ma’am... for you...” he hands them to me and does a little bow “... flowers fit for a queen...” 

“Why?” 

“There should never have to be a ‘why’ when it comes to a gentleman buying his lady flowers, but honestly? sorry I threw you in the sand? AND pushed you under the table, so... flowers”

“You don’t need to be sorry” 

“Even though you got sand in your mouth?” 

“Even though I got sand in my mouth... if you’d have gotten it in my underwear then I’d be demeaning more than flowers” 

He takes Hoppers lead, and the grocery bags, I need both arms to carry my bouquet. It’s lightly snowing when we get back to the Tower. And Hopper is trying to eat it. 

“I’m sorry...” 

“I said you didn’t need to be...” we’re in the elevator 

“You’ve had to take another day from work...” 

“Yeah... I’m thinking I might take on another tattooist, and a receptionist... I’ve got all that money from SHIELD I should put it to good use, remodel the store... I never did buy a washer and dryer...” 

“You know... I do love twenty first century woman but I am kind of sad I missed the feminist revolution in the sixties” 

“Why?” 

“Because you’d have been awesome... standing on a hill with a megaphone demanding equality... you’re so... so... FIERCE” 

“Roar?” 

“Exactly” 

The doors open and the penthouse, like the rest of the Tower is decked out with green and gold decorations, I like it but I prefer my ‘throw it together’ attitude to holiday decorations. Steve’s sitting at the table sketching. His ‘not fuck around in the holiday season’ is going well... unless he’s sneaking, which wouldn’t surprise me. 

“Oh... flowers... let me find you a vase... I’m sure we have one... somewhere...” he’s up and rummaging in the kitchen cupboards “Ah here we go...” he’s turned to me, looked at the bouquet again and then to the vase “Hmmm too small... way too small... here...” he runs some water into the smaller sink and takes the flowers from my arms placing them gently in there, they fill the whole sink “... do I want to know what he did?” 

“I didn’t do anything... don’t need a reason... Hopper... sit” 

Hopper doesn’t sit, he trots behind him as he takes his jacket off, putting it on the couch, then coming back and unpacking the groceries, almost tripping him up in the process. 

“Hopper... SIT” he obeys me and sits at Bucky’s feet “... good boy... now LAY DOWN” he flops down on to his front paws then turns on his side and stretches out “... why don’t you and Steve sit down and I’ll make the mixture then you two can roll it out and cut out the cookies?” 

Steve’s laid out everything on the counter for me, I don’t think any of it has ever been used as I peel the wrapper off a set of scales. 

“It was all here when I moved in... I’ve never used it... a cook I am not” 

“You’re telling me... he once tried to make chicken noodle soup when I broke my arm when we were kids and he burnt the noodles to the bottom of the pan, his Mom went wild as he totally ruined the pan” 

“Bucky...” I turn to see Steve look... unreadable... then concerned as Bucky rubs his head, Steve looks to me, confused and I shrug “... you’re still... remembering?” 

“Yeah bits and pieces... some of it is...” he looks to me “... better than others...”

“Well... that’s... good?” 

Bucky nods and goes back to looking at his iPad. Buzzfeed is his new thing. He took a ‘which Avenger would be your best friend’ quiz and got very upset when the result was... Sam. 

I make the dough without too much hassle, and I’m fairly sure it looks like it’s supposed to. It’s firm and all stuck together. I mentally and physically check I’ve used all the ingredients I had laid out. 

I tip some flour on the counter and place the dough in the centre. 

“Who’s rolling? And Buck before you go near this put one of the gloves on, if you short circuit a finger from getting dough in it I think Tony might decapitate you this time” it had only happened once, that I knew of, mozzarella cheese, after that I got him some of the gloves I use for tattooing, latex free so I don’t need a Benadryl if he decides to touch my face or hand while he’s gloved up. 

“Yup... got it...” he disappears towards his bedroom to fetch some 

“He is... alright... isn’t he?” 

“He’s getting there... you trust me with him... don’t you?” 

“Of course” 

“Then please know if anything was seriously wrong I would tell you even if he won’t” 

“Understood” 

“But...” 

“I knew there was a but...” 

“You’ve got to trust HIM a little more... let him find his feet without you running behind him all the time to pick him up... I know you still feel guilty Steve I really do but just... let him be independent, when he needs you, he’ll ask... I know he hasn’t before... but he will” 

“Got em!” 

“I’ll roll you cut...” Steve’s out of his chair and heading to the dough

“Deal...” 

I sit at the table and watch them work, well watch them squabble that Steve hasn’t rolled it out thin enough or that he’s put too much flour down and the dough will get dry. Then squabble that Bucky isn’t being careful enough when cutting them out or that he’s putting them too close together on the baking tray and they’ll all meld together. 

Eventually they make it to the oven, which thankfully is FRIDAY operated, just tell her what temperature and for how long and she’ll do it for you. Which kind of feels like cheating to be honest. 

After five minutes the smells of gingerbread wafts through the apartment. 

“Did you want to ice them? I didn’t get icing sugar” I’ve flopped down on the couch with Hopper, I like to stroke his ears, they feel like the softest satin. 

“I’ll go get some from the kitchen they definitely have some...” Steve’s loading up the dishwasher 

“They’ll need to be cool first though right?” Bucky’s on the couch with me, I’ve got my feet in his lap as he fiddles with the frayed hems of my jeans absentmindedly 

“Right Buck...” Steve’s phone rings out “... I’ll go now though... so we’ve got it ready... thank you... for this Savannah” He slips from the penthouse into the elevator answering his cell in hushed tones 

“... Blonde number three...” 

“Huh?” 

“Blonde number three... that’s the name that came up on the screen...” 

“Covert operative...” 

“Yup... they smell so good Doll...” 

“I hope they’re edible” 

“I’m sure they will be... see you can cook... wanna go make out in the snow while we wait?” 

“I thought you’d never ask...”


	34. Yule shoot your eye out (part V)

Bucky doesn’t have anymore triggers, not ones that require Reagan anyway, which is good because I get SLAMMED at work. 

December and tattoo stores happen for one of three reasons. 

One, people are coming in and buying vouchers as gifts, fabulous see you in the new year 

Two, early gift for self or someone else, thanks for choosing Kirby Dots 

Three, and this is my favourite, people come to me after realising they’re going home to family or perhaps meeting someone else’s family and don’t want to do it with an incredibly regrettable tattoo that no longer represents who they are in anyway shape or form. Curse words, so many curse words. I also offer a sliding payment scale for people wanting tattoos covered that represent some form of hate. And because word gets out about this, people travel from far and wide knowing I won’t judge them on their past mistakes, these people will tell me how they turned their lives around and I love every minute of it. 

I need a receptionist, oh boy do I need a receptionist and a new tattooist. I need to talk to Pete, my old boss, see how he went about it. But it’ll have to wait till new year. 

I’m so happy that during this absolute chaos there isn’t a Bucky trying to ‘help’ because that causes more chaos. 

“You want your ear pierced? Awesome... Jed is busy but I can do it, I’ve had enough needles stuck in me to know how to do that, or I could use a hammer and nail... up to you” 

He’s been busy sitting in his derelict building day after day, he spent twelve hours bouncing a ball against the back wall saying he was ‘thinking’. Eventually thinking becomes ‘doing’ and he cleans it from top to bottom (after he has power and water turned on). The studio apartment is easy enough, but does lead to him almost creating a biohazard when he mixes certain cleaning products together because he has no idea how to clean a toilet. 

Once’s it’s clean he paints it. Just white nothing fancy. Because the apartment was added as an afterthought it’s got a ridiculous skylight that will be right over where his bed will be. I’m totally jealous. 

Eventually he moves on to cleaning what will be his actual ‘shop’. And he does it with a broom, spends hours sweeping piles of dirt and debris into the centre of the space. It gets bagged up and taken to the trash. Then with a bucket of soapy water he sets about washing decades worth of grime. I find him dirty and frustrated because it’s taken so long to do such a small patch of wall. Let me introduce you to pressure washing I say, take him to Home Depot where he purchases the one that looks the most like a weapon and nearly blasts him off his feet when he turns it on. I stand and watch him from the staircase that leads to the apartment. There might be... something about Bucky with a gun that gets me slightly... flustered and leads to us fucking against his kitchen cabinets. At least the building is now ‘christened’. 

Before he can slide down his pole I make him call a company that installs them in new firehouses, just to make sure that it’s safe and the second he launches himself at it he won’t fall to the floor taking the dam thing with him. It is safe. But it needs... polishing... this time it’s the... symbolism of him polishing a giant pole that gets HIM all hot and bothered and we end up fucking on the cold, but at least now clean, concrete floor. He puts a painting sheet down to save my knees, oh the romance Barnes, may it never die. 

“You heard Tommy its perfectly safe...” he shouts down as I’m stood at the bottom while he slides down it, for the hundredth time. 

“I’m slightly more breakable than you... come on... we better get going...” 

“One more time?” He’s up the stairs and sliding back down the dam thing before I can stop him “OK... I’m done” 

He needs furniture for upstairs. And I am about to do something I swore I never would, not as part of a couple anyway, and that’s to go to IKEA. We leave Hopper at my apartment. 

“Ok so...” we’re standing in front of the entrance doors “... it can be... overwhelming... even for... normal people... it has a order that you go through it in... BUT there are ways out of it if it gets too much... you pick what you like, make note of the name and location of it in the warehouse and then pick it up on the way to the checkout, it’s flat pack, you put it together yourself... oh and when we get to the market hall, TRY and only get what you NEED, because you can easily be sucked into ‘oh it’s only a dollar’ then you spent hundreds and end up with things you’ll never use... got it?” 

He’s pushing the cart “Got it... also... I’m hungry...” 

“That’s why we’re at IKEA” 

“But it’s a furniture store?” 

“Oh baby... it’s so much more than that...”

He’s so confused for the first five minutes, especially by the fake rooms, then he gets into it and when it comes to buying furniture Bucky Barnes is incredibly no nonsense. Sets of drawers like he has at the Tower, a rail for his shirts, a basic bed base with one of those roll up mattresses, bedding is plain, in dark colours. 

“And I build this myself?” 

“Yes just don’t get drunk before you do it though... it doesn’t end... well” 

“Are you speaking from experience?” 

“Maybe...” 

We’re in the kids section and I’m clutching a giant shark plushie debating whether or not it’s worth twenty five bucks. 

“Put it in the cart” 

“Huh?” 

“Put it in the cart, get two of them... one each” 

“It’s not... practical” 

“So? They’re cute... put ‘em in the cart woman” 

“Yes Sargent” 

Before we get to the Market Hall we get to the restaurant, this both delights and confuses him. We park the cart in one of the storage lockers and I explain how it works. That it’s more like a canteen than a restaurant and the only thing you should really try are the meatballs and then Daim cake. I pay, well I pay before he can catch up with me at the checkout. The girl on the checkout had come in to the store last week and I’d covered a band she’d had on her wedding finger from an abusive ex, she charged me way too little, as I did her. 

“These are so good... I should’ve gotten two servings... at least” 

“There’s a hot dog stand by the exit after the checkouts” 

“What the fuck? Why am I only just finding out about the wonders of IKEA?” 

“Welcome to a semi normal modern life I guess?” 

“Why only semi normal?” 

“You live in Tony Starks Tower, you have a metal arm... should I continue?” 

“Point taken... you know... it’s really quite busy in here” 

“It always is” 

“Yeah but... I feel really... calm” 

“Good?” 

“I’m saying you make me feel safe” but he tells me this with a mouthful of fries so I don’t hear him 

“What?” 

“You make me feel safe in crowded places...” 

“Oh...” 

“Doll?” 

“Yeah?” 

“That guy keeps staring at you...” 

Before I turn around I check Bucky is wearing a glove and whomever it is isn’t staring at his hand. He is so I turn slowly to not be obvious “...shit...” 

With eye contact made part of my past walks over to our table “Savannah it IS you, I couldn’t decide because last time I saw you, you were a red head... hi I’m Nathan...” he holds out a hand to Bucky, which he shakes after wiping his hands, he uses his metal hand and I see Nathan wince slightly “...good grip... gym goer?” 

“...mechanic... sorry I’m Bucky...” 

“...nice to meet you... so...” 

“So...” I’d like the ground to swallow me up, please “... how’s it going?” 

“Oh you know... work as always...” he looks at Bucky who is looking desperately confused, especially as I’ve tensed up “... I’m a stock broker... Wall Street... here” he pulls out his wallet and hands Bucky a card “... if you ever want to invest... well nice to see you Savannah... you look... as crazy as ever... I better go I came in to get a spatula... my wife melted ours... this place is a nightmare... Nice to meet you... Bucky” 

“Yeah you too...” Nathan leaves the table and I sink down in my chair “...are you ok? And what did he mean crazy? Only I’m allowed to say you look crazy because I mean it with love... Doll?” 

“Yeah he thinks I am legitimately crazy... we... were...” 

“No... THAT GUY? was he a... fiancé?” I nod “... you said yes... TO HIM?” 

“It was a long time ago...” 

“Shall I go punch him?” 

“Nah...” 

“Wanna tell me about it?” 

“His ‘wife’? Yeah she was ALWAYS his wife, except I didn’t know... I think he would’ve been married to both of us if he thought he could get away with it... she found out though... when I turned up at their house and smashed the windscreen of his Mercedes with a baseball bat... guess she forgave him, unless he has a whole new wife now...” 

“You smashed a window? With a bat?” 

“Crazy remember?” 

“Nope... rational, and I’m proud... sure you don’t want me to punch him? Just a little bit? I’ll use my regular hand” 

“I’m sure... come on... better get you a spatula as well” All the reserve Bucky had in the main part is lost when we reach Market Hall. He puts a garlic press in the cart. A garlic press, the man who can’t boil an egg... “Do you even know what that is?” 

“Yes... I watch the Food Network...” 

“I see and you’re planning on pressing a lot of garlic?” 

“I’m planning on learning to cook... the way I see it, I don’t even really NEED the shop to make money, I’ll maybe take on two full rebuilds a year and the rest repairs... so I’ll have free time, I can’t bug you, so... I’m gonna learn to cook and if it’s bad, I’ll feed it to Hopper he doesn’t care, he’s a canine garbage can... speaking of which I miss him do you think he’ll be alright?” 

“Yeah... look” I pull my phone out of my purse and hold it up with the pup cam app already open, Hopper is asleep in his crate and Alpine is in her bed on top of the crate “...see?” 

“I still can’t believe they have video monitors for babies never mind puppies but it was a good idea to get one Rogers I’ll give you that much... ooooo knife sets... I quite like knives... I think... I could...” 

“Bucky?” 

“I’m fine... honestly...” he twirls a sheathed knife around his wrist like it’s a baton “...see...” 

“Interesting... maybe you should go on America’s Got Talent?” 

“And when they ask me where I learnt DON’T say Nazi extremists taught me?” 

“Probably not...” 

“I think I’m done... no wait... plates with reindeer on? Get some” 

“You’ve already put plates in the cart?” 

“For you silly... get four... for Christmas... and get the matching bowls and glasses too... it’s classy... don’t roll your eyes” 

He causes a slight stir in the warehouse picking up his boxes. Probably because he lifts huge packs of MDF with one hand without breaking a sweat. I decide as he’s stacking up everything he needs that I’m NOT going to involve myself in the building of all this. He can do that himself while I sip Bourbon and pat the puppy. 

“I think we’ll get it all in the Jeep...” He’s handing over his card, no cash this time, he’s more or less got the hang of cashless society although he still likes to leave tips in cash, even though I explained to him that it was a pain because then the servers have to go to the bank, I guess some old habits die hard. 

“There’s MORE food?” 

“Ahhh yes... this is the food hall... it’s all Scandinavian stuff... I’m gonna get a selection and stash it for Christmas” 

“I’m gonna get a hot dog... want one? Or an ice cream? I might get an ice cream as well... no wait I need to push the cart... maybe just a hot dog... then I’ll head outside...” 

“I’ll catch up with you...” 

I’d only been in the food hall five minutes when I see a commotion happening just outside the exit door. Please don’t be Bucky... oh god... trigger, something has triggered him. I push my way through the crowd and get outside. Bucky’s cart is abandoned by the empty play park. Shit. 

“Excuse me...” there’s a line of people at the curb “...I said excuse me...” 

I elbow my way through and what I see almost stops my heart. There’s a little boy, no more than two crying in his Mom’s arms, Bucky’s hot dog is on the ground, there’s a very nice top of the range Mercedes that basically no longer has a front end, it’s been crushed down the centre. 

“Bucky?” 

“Here Doll...” he’s at the back of the car “... I’m okay... I’m okay...” 

“What are you doing?” 

“Keeping hold of a guy who was too busy on his cell to notice a toddler running out in the middle of the road... until the cops arrive... isn’t that right... Nathan?” 

I slowly circle the car, he’s got Nathan pinned down against the trunk holding his arms behind his back “Bucky...” 

“I’m in control...” 

“You weren’t in control when you crushed my car... what the hell are you made of... steel?” 

“Actually it’s vibranium...” 

“He... he stopped the car... literally... I... don’t know how to thank you, he slipped his reins and was in the road...” she kisses the little boys head, his tears seem to have stopped now “... are you... a hero? I mean like the ones on the news?” 

“No ma’am just a soldier who was in the right place at the right time...” 

I see flashing lights roll towards us, the crowd has started to disperse into the parking lot. 

Cops pull up and handcuff Nathan, thankfully they don’t ask questions about the damage to the car or exactly how he managed to stop it. 

With a flash of his driving license for identification Bucky is free to go, no statements needed. They don’t even look twice at the fact that his date of birth was almost a hundred years ago. The whole world has changed so much in the past decade. 

I grab the discarded cart and we make our way to my Jeep. 

“Are you ok?” 

“I’m fine Doll... honestly...” 

“Did you just... put your arm out... and stop the car?”

“Pretty much” 

“Huh...” 

There’s obviously no damage to his arms, human or metal as he unloads the cart with ease. With packages secured under a tarp and strapped down to the roof rack we’re on our way home. He’s happy, whistling Christmas songs as I drive us home. 

“I think you’re ringing...” 

“What?” I’d been so preoccupied with what had just happened I didn’t notice my cell ringing out. It’s on speakerphone when I’m in the car, it was a withheld number but this time of year? Probably a telemarketer or charity, I’ll just tell them I’m driving “Hello...” 

“Savannah... Steve Rogers... is Bucky still with you?” 

“Yeah Pal... what is it? There’s a reason MY phone is at the shop, I wanted to spend some time with my lady... uninterrupted... we’ve been to IKEA... it was great Stevie...” 

“Oh I know YOU’VE been to IKEA Buck... so much for flying under the radar, you’re all over the internet for... well for punching a car IN HALF...” 

“Sorry?” 

“Come to the Tower” 

“Now?” 

“Yes” 

“No... I’m going to Sav’s to watch Die Hard... because it’s not Christmas until some German guy falls from a building ANYWAY I didn’t do anything wrong... I’ll come in tomorrow” 

“You’re not in trouble” 

“I’m not?” 

“No just... Tony’s seen it wants to do some press interviews...” 

“Nah...” 

“What do you mean ‘Nah’?” 

“I mean... I’m not you Steve... I want to live here in the real world... let the clip get on the Instagram or clock tock... if people ask me I’ll say it’s me... I’ll say I have a prosthetic arm but I’m not going on TV or whatever else Stark and his press team want me to do... it was just... I did what anyone would’ve done... so... NAH” He disconnects the call 

“Are you SURE you’re alright?” 

“Doll... look at me...” I momentarily take my eyes off the road to look at him “I’m fine...” 

He does look... fine, in more ways than one “Go to the Tower tomorrow... NOT for Steve but to see Reagan, would you do that for me?” 

“For you Savannah... I’d do anything”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys I gotta do some non writing tasks 😭  
> might be a while before next part


	35. Yule shoot your eye out (part VI)

“Oh... THAT’S what that means... ho ho ho now I have a machine gun... Savannah watch the movie...” We’re sat by side on the couch, he’s enthralled with Die Hard and I am enthralled with him, he’s a fucking hero. He saved a child and humiliated my douche bag ex. I pause the movie “... I knew something was wrong...” he clenches his jaw as he turns to me “...come on then... let’s have it”

I literally HURL myself into his lap, stripping off my shirt as I go

“Oh... oh...” I kiss him, hard “...you’re not... mad?”

“No Bucky...”

“Ok then...”

The rest of Die Hard is watched in a state of post coital bliss, semi dressed. Yippee Kayai Motherfucker.

———

I need to go buy holiday groceries. Which I don’t mind. Even mundane trips with Bucky are a goddam adventure. What could happen in Walmart? Could he stop a bullet? Run faster than a speeding train? Wait, that’s Superman... I wonder how he’d feel about... a Superman outfit... for recreational purposes, obviously, he’s more like Batman though to be honest, he’s got the bat pole to prove it.

Before we can go and he can pile the cart with the most unnecessary items Walmart has to offer we have been summoned to Tony Starks Christmas Party. I only agreed to go when I was PROMISED it wouldn’t be a repeat of Thanksgiving.

I don’t THINK Thor is attending, but I don’t arrange any appointments until after lunch the next day, just in case. There’s no dress code on the invitation, but it’s delivered by a VERY convincing Buddy the Elf impersonator, to the point I spend an hour wondering how much Tony Stark could have offered Will Ferrell to hand out invites for him.

It’s on a Friday night, Bucky is already at the Tower in an effort to spend some time with Sam before he goes home for the holidays. I don’t think anything has been broken but I’ve not heard from Bucky in six hours so I might get to the Tower to find they’ve burnt it to the ground trying to make lunch.

He’s waiting for me in the parking garage, I’ve brought Hopper with me but not Alpine, probably gonna get moaned at for that.

“Puppy...” Hopper charges him

“Hello Savannah, nice to see you Savannah, how’s your day been my beloved...”

“What?”

“Nothing...”

He’s stood up wearing a sweater with reindeer on he got from the Thrift “Hello beautiful...” I get dipped and kissed “...I like your sweater”

I’m wearing a traditional Norwegian cardigan, I’ve seen Thor wearing one too “...thanks...” He takes my hand and Hoppers lead “... gotta say I’m not looking forward to this...”

“Did you bring your gift?”

“Yup”

Somehow I ended up in the ‘avengers’ Secret Santa. I got Wanda. There was a maximum of twenty dollars to be spent. I bought her a travel journal, she should go more places, I don’t know why they keep her ‘locked up’ I mean she can move things with her mind? There’s more dangerous humans out there. As far as I’m aware gifts are being ‘exchanged’ tonight but not opened.

“I’ve been in the party room today... I think you’ll like it...”

“Humph” my stomach lurches as the elevator moves upwards

“No offence but you are a tad grouchy”

“Hormones”

“Hormones? Uh oh... should I... find you ice cream... or go straight to taking my clothes off?”

“Honestly? Please sedate me because... CRAMPS... ugh... I am being sabotaged by my baby box”

“We can stop at the penthouse and get some of my painkillers”

“The last time I took YOUR painkillers I thought I was a Fraggle for three hours... I’ve got some in my purse... I think”

“If you’re feeling... unwell we don’t have to stay...”

“No... it’s ok Buck... I’m sorry”

“For what? Having female reproductive organs? Don’t be... plus at least it’s... now and not on Christmas... when stretchy pants are needed for eating not because your stomach is sore”

“Have you had a good day?”

“Yeah... I missed you guys though... this place is... too fancy for me... I much prefer Brooklyn”

“Is that right?”

“That’s right Rogers... that being said... please stay with me tonight?”

“Obviously”

The elevator stops and the doors open. He’s right, it almost looks... normal. Unfortunately for me the first person Bucky lays his eyes on is Helen and before I can stop him he opens his big dumb beautiful mouth.

“Helen Hi... Savannah is not feeling well, can you take a look at her?”

“BUCKY! It’s a Christmas party let Helen have some time off”

“You do look pale Savannah... even for you... come on... Sargent I will return her as soon as possible...”

I do my best to glare at Bucky as Helen takes my hand and leads me back towards the elevator. We make our way down to the medical wing, I turn to Helen to say something but she’s texting furiously so I don’t disturb her.

When we get down there she makes me sit on the bed, ugh, and ugh again.

“It’s just my period”

“Yeah...” she puts gloves on and pulls my lower eyelids down “...cramps?”

“The worst, I feel like I’ve got a beachball instead of a stomach, and that beachball is filled with bees and hammers”

“Tired?”

“Exhausted but I’ve got a Bucky, a puppy, a business, it’s Christmas”

“Contraception?”

“Implant”

“Last Pap smear?”

“Just before I left for Wakanda, all normal”

“Well... you’re anaemic... nothing more BUT...”

“Please don’t lecture me on smoking and weight and all that jazz”

“Oh... I’d never do that... BUT... women’s bodies change, just because the implant worked for you originally doesn’t mean it’ll work forever... if you don’t want to... reproduce I’d think about getting your tubes tied... plus personally I’ve never been a fan of... man made hormones... right...” she goes over to the med cabinet and comes back with two pills and a cup of water from the dispenser “...here”

“Last time I had Bucky’s meds I thought I was a Fraggle”

“These are a... prototype for female agents in the field to stop cramps and bloating... and an iron supplement” I swallow them down “Ok?”

“Yeah... sorry about Bucky”

“Men can never get it right with periods huh? Either they don’t care at all, or care too much...”

———

I find Bucky propping up the bar, Hopper sitting at his feet. He looks kind of pissed off. I on the other hand, feel fan fucking tastic like the body that had felt so alien to me for the past couple of days now feels peaceful and... floaty... maybe I shouldn’t add alcohol to this mix.

“Bucky...”

“Are you mad with me?”

“No why would I be mad?”

The bartender floats in his direction “I’ll have a IPA and my lady here will have a Jack and DIET coke, with a cherry on a stick”

“Classy...”

“Feel better?”

“Like so much...”

“Uh oh... maybe just have the one drink?”

“Are you ok?”

He sighs “Yes... but no... I mean these people are my chosen family but... this is... ugh... just why? I wanna sit in my pjs and watch the next Die Hard movie”

“It’s called Die Harder”

He doubles over laughing “Of course it is... but this is like... I can’t even put it into words, I want to hang out with them... some more than others... but not... like this”

“Welcome to office Christmas parties... everyone makes small talk, someone gets horrifically drunk, someone makes out in a closet and regrets it or they get married there’s no in between... and pretty much everyone hates it... it’s a social expectation”

“See, that makes me feel better...”

“You’ve still got the puppy?”

“Yeah... I felt like I needed him with as a... conversation starter I mean what else do I open with ‘hi I’m Bucky I have gaping holes in my memory and was once a assassin?’ Ugh you make it look so easy, everyone likes you...”

“Everyone likes you too you know...”

“Rogers and Barnes... there’s a whole room of people here ya know...”

“Tony... Happy Christmas” I kiss his cheek and hug him, he looks... shocked

“How many drinks has she had?” I’ve still got my arms round him

“One but some painkillers too”

“Good... hug... ok... you can let go now... think I like it better when you’re swinging at me... oh and your gift is under the tree, I mean not that I know who got you in the pool or anything” he pats my arm and wanders off into the crowd.

“Where’s Sam?”

“Left for the airport after lunch...”

“Ladies and Gentlemen...” Tony’s on the stage, microphone in hand, what’s he gonna do now? Bring out Mariah Carey? “...welcome to the first annual Tony Stark awards for dumb shit... so without further ado or too many questions about when I had time to come up with this... the first award for... America’s Ass... goes to Captain Steve Rogers...”

A sparse round of applause rings out, and me feeling the Bourbon soaking into my bones thinking this isn’t good enough, he’s AMERICA’S ASS gets on my tiptoes and whistles, cheers and claps as loud as I can. Bucky takes my lead and joins in, and slowly so does everyone else.

Steve sheepishly takes the stage with Tony and is handed what looks like an Oscar statue but it’s actually a golden Tony Stark “...erm thanks, I guess...” Bucky is whooping, hands cupped around his mouth “... I mean this wouldn’t be here without... the man who created me”

“... in a lab” adds Tony

“... and Beyoncé’s booty boot camp workout DVD, also shout out to Nike track pants... thank you and Merry Christmas”

Everyone gets an award.  
Pepper - cutest redhead in the office  
Wanda - most potential to be a Jedi  
Peter - most laws broken  
Clint - most amount of complaining while in the field  
Natasha - most creative weapon storage  
Maria - best ability to keep a straight face  
Bruce - most improved temperament  
Vision - most helpful IT technician, seeing as you are the Wifi  
Bucky - most damage caused in an enclosed space  
Rhodey - fine work on being a friend  
Helen - most grace under (literal) fire  
Sharon - whitest sneakers in a medical facility

I think he’s done, I hope he’s done because I’m not sure I can laugh anymore, my stomach hurts. This hasn’t been as bad as expected, plus the food is good too, all my dumb hormonal cravings have been satisfied. Plus maybe it’s the three additional bourbons I’ve necked after telling Bucky I’d only have one. I’m almost off my stool because I need to go smoke...

“And the final award of the evening goes to... before I say... actually I just want to thank everyone who’s here that works in this building in whatever capacity for your hard work and dedication, but obviously you don’t want a mini statue of me, you want cold hard cash... I know I get it... so I’ve doubled last years bonuses...”

A cheer goes up from the crowd. Do I wanna know what a Tony Stark bonus is? Or rather how MUCH a Tony Stark bonus is?

I’m off my stool, Bucky is chatting to Steve next to me. Both examining their statues. I’m literally half way to the door of the terrace.

“As I was saying the final award of the evening goes to that woman walking out the door... Savannah Rogers...”

I spin round at the sound of Tony calling my name “Oh shit”

“Yes hello Savannah...” he’s waving at me, everyone’s looking at me, ground swallow me now “... please come up and collect your award for THE GREATEST THREAT I EVER HEARD... come on... come up... give her a round of applause everyone... if you haven’t met Savannah she’s the blue haired lady right there... who needs to come to the stage...” I walk on jelly legs to applause and cheers and whopping “... ahh there you are now, what do you think the reason is that you’ve won this... incredibly handsome statue?” I shrug “... well ladies and gentlemen... this woman right here... this, no offence, perfectly ordinary woman said to Steve Rogers and I quote ‘I’ll show you how we do it in Brooklyn now, BITCH’ after... AFTER she’d knocked him.. HIM...” he points to Steve “Captain America himself ON HIS ASS... congratulations Savannah” he hands me my statue, it’s heavier than I thought it would be “...SPEECH”

“Erm... hello...” I hear Bucky cheer “... thanks Barnes... I mean I wouldn’t have gotten this award without him soooo... I’d also like to thank Steve for... being a good sport and I’m sorry if I bruised America’s Ass when I pushed you on it... and to all of you for... everything... thank you again and Merry Christmas” I hold my arm aloft to applause before I leave the stage.

Bucky’s waiting as l walk down the side of the stage with my award.

“I’ve said Goodnight to the people that matter, wanna get out of here?”

“Shouldn’t we stay?”

“Nah... unless you want to?”

The pain relief Helen gave me is starting to wear off, and the cramps of doom are coming back “I’d quite like to lay down...”

“Yeah... thought so... I’ve got your gift... and mine” he’s clutching two gift bags along with Hoppers lead “... come on... Steve says he’s ‘going to bed’ but I get a feeling it’s not HIS bed”

———

“Buck?”

“Yeah?”

I’m feeling pretty woozy from more painkillers and a Baileys that Bucky brought for me along with a heat pad that he microwaved to rest on my stomach. We’re laid side by side with Hopper at the foot of the bed, The Office is playing on the TV but Bucky’s flicking through Instagram looking at pictures of vintage motorcycles and I’m having a crisis so neither of us are really paying attention to it.

What Helen said about getting my tubes tied has been spinning round at the back of my mind all night. Usually I’d run away but feeling brave and the pain in my stomach preventing me from moving at anything other than a sloth like pace I’m gonna do a Bucky and run towards it.

“Can I talk to you?”

He knows I’ve obviously got something important to say as he puts his phone down on his nightstand and looks at me “Sounds... ominous”

“Helen said something to me earlier...”

“You told me you’re were ok?”

“I am... but... ugh I don’t wanna talk about this now...”

“Come on Weirdo what’s on your mind?”

“I can talk to you about ‘lady’ things right?”

“Obviously... I mean I’ve been to war, and had a sister... not that I recall everything but you get the point”

“So I have an implant”

“The non baby thing in your arm”

“Right so I had it put in four years ago and it’s my second one... but as I get older it’s becoming less... suitable but I’m allergic to condoms, I can’t take the pill...”

“What’s the ‘pill’?”

“Like the implant but you take it everyday”

“Ahhh”

“And I don’t want an IUD”

“A BOMB? To stop babies?”

“No it’s a... another non baby thing but it’s not a bomb... anyway Helen suggested getting my tubes tied...” he looks confused “...sterilisation... but what do you think?”

“About what?”

“Babies...”

“Small people babies?”

“Yes...”

“So we can’t talk about getting married but we can talk about having a baby?”

“This topic has arrived sooner than anticipated”

“I’m yanking your chain Doll... what’s your... baby plan?”

“I never had one, I had plans for my career yes, but never my personal life... to be honest, and I say this with all honesty, I never wanted one... ever”

“I think before I went to war, the old me would’ve thought it was just the thing to do, marriage... babies... now? I’d be too scared that what HYDRA did to me would effect my... guys and who knows what effect that would have on a baby? Would the baby be... enhanced? I mean my bloodline has been... carried on by my sister, so there’s more Barnes out there that belong to me, I don’t feel the NEED to reproduce... PLUS and PROMISE me you won’t be mad at me for this...”

“What?”

“Promise you won’t be mad...” he holds out his pinky to me which I shake with my own “...Natasha was a Black Widow right? And the Winter Soldier program ran alongside that... now, don’t tell her I told you but all the Black Widows were... sterilised as some kind of fucked up graduation ceremony... and I’ve got a scar... in an appropriate place to suggest it happened to me too”

“Bucky that’s AWFUL”

“Eh, I’m over it... I mean I think that’s what it is... I’ve never jerked off into a cup to find out the actual truth... never had a reason to... do you want me to?”

“Do you?”

“You know I’d do anything for you...”

“Then find out... men’s sterilisation can be reversed, and you might meet someone who changes your mind about babies”

He sighs heavily and clenches his jaw “Savannah Daisy Rogers... you are the ONLY one I’ll ever want... but yes I’ll find out... because if that’s what happened then you don’t need to be... implanted anymore... ok?”

“Ok... FRIDAY lights out, TV off” The room goes dark, the lights on the city cast a soft glow through the window, my stomach hurts too much to cuddle up to him so I reach my hand out across the bed and find his to hold as I fall asleep “Buck?”

“Yeah...” he’s half asleep already, his ability to nod off as soon as he closes his eyes is second to none

“I’d be just... Barnes”


	36. Yule shoot your eye out (part VII)

“Savannah...”

“No... sleeping”

“I know Doll but your alarm is ringing out...”

“Uuuuuugggghhhhh”

“I know... I know... you feel better?” I give in and open my eyes, I turn my alarm off. Bucky’s not in bed next to me. He’s standing over me, fully dressed “... I’ve taken the puppy out, see Hopper it’s Ok pal she’s still here”

I get a Hopper jumping on me, thankfully my stomach is back to normal this morning “How long have you been awake?”

“A long time...” he takes a seat on the bed “... I’m gonna go to the medical level”

“WHY? What’s wrong, I’ll come with you...”

“I was thinking about our conversation last night, if that implant is making you poorly then the sooner you can have it removed the better right? So... I talked to Helen, well I talked to Steve... who, by the way a hundred percent did not sleep in his own bed last night, he came in still wearing the outfit he had on last night... ANYWAY he said talk to Helen as she loves stuff like this, when we... the... enhanced... need to solve ‘human’ health problems, so I’m gonna go jerk off in a cup...”

“There’s no rush?”

“There’s coffee there for you... and one of those bagels you like so much...” I see a Starbucks cup and brown paper bag on his nightstand, he leans down and kisses the end of my nose and fusses Hopper before he gets up “...I’ll see you in Brooklyn later, after work yeah? Grocery shopping... I’m excited”

“You’re a crazy person... in the best way...”

“Yeah well...” he’s standing in the doorway “...I’ll see you later ‘just Barnes’”

“Buck?”

“Yeah I know... I’m not talking about it...”

“No... not... that... thank you... and... enjoy... jerking off in a cup?”

“Won’t be as good as when you do it”

“What won’t be?” Steve’s head pokes round the door

“Nothing Pal... alright weirdo... love you... laters gators”

“In a while crocodile... love you too... Weiner soldier”

He laughs and disappears, Steve’s still lingering in the doorway “You feeling... better?”

“Yeah Steve just... Lady things, if you stayed with one for longer than one night you’d know about it”

He dramatically clutches his chest “Ouch I’m wounded”

“Fuck boi”

“Best friend stealer... busy afternoon?”

“Yeah you?”

“Nah... you know... Bucky’s tattoo...”

The tattoo had stuck, nothing... super soldiery had happened, it was just like everyone else’s, red, scabby, then healed still there not faded or vanished altogether.

“What about it?”

“He used to... in the old days wear... a winged patch on his jacket, it matched the one on my old helmet... I was thinking, and I’ve mentioned it to him as well...”

“You wanna get matching tattoos?”

“Yeah”

“Well... alright then... but no being a whiny child when I stab you... and it’ll have to be in the new year, I am beyond busy”

“Done and erm... I’ll try?”

———

It’s around six pm when I hear the store door open, I’ve just finished up a MCR tribute tattoo on a wicked cute emo chick called Natalie. I hear Hoppers excited yip that’s how I know it’s Bucky.

“Good evening beautiful... I am so looking forward to tonight... oh hello”

“Bucky, Natalie... Natalie, Bucky... he’s my... person... ok you want Saran Wrap or the second skin?”

“Second skin please it worked really well the last time...”

While I get up to fetch the stuff to wrap her up Bucky is admiring my work “MCR? I love them... they’re very... loud”

“I came to Savannah as she’s the best at pop culture tats”

“That’s not all she’s the best at”

“BUCKY”

“Inappropriate?”

“Little bit... sorry Natalie, Bucky has... no filter”

“Because I was in the war... messed with my brain”

“Right... you know the deal don’t you? Keep this on for twenty four hours, no poking or scratching... all that stuff? Ok?”

“Yup... can I pay cash?”

“Of course... call it... one fifty...”

“Well I’ve brought two hundred so here” She hops out of the chair and hands me four fifty dollar bills “... thank you so much... I love it... Happy Holidays guys” she’s out of the room but not out of the store “...bye Hopper...” I finally hear the store bell ring

Bucky’s sat on the bench as I tidy away “Do people always give you... more... cash?”

“If they’re nice, some argue on price, get it done cheaper, it turns out awful so I have to fix it and it costs them three times the original amount I quoted them... are you ready for Walmart? I need a extra comforter for my Mom to use...”

“I was born ready... also I jerked off into a cup”

“And...”

“And nothing yet... it was weird, even I got a bit... embarrassed... when I gave Helen the... cup... she said she was sending it away for analysis, and I gotta say I feel a bit... weird about my jizz being couriered around the city, like will it be ok in the little cup?”

“While it’s not my area of expertise... I’m sure it will be... fine?”

Bucky drives to Walmart, we leave Hopper in the apartment in his crate, although I don’t feel so horrifically guilty today as he willingly went in, got in his bed, gave us a howl of ‘it’s ok’ and then closed his eyes. He’s always worn out after he’s spent time at the tower, everyone fusses and plays with him and he won’t stop until they do, refuses to give into tiredness like a human baby.

“Do you have a list? Stevie gave me three hundred bucks”

“He did what now? Why?”

“Said he wanted to pay for his share”

“What does he think we’re buying? Golden geese? I don’t need his money, I got this”

“Which is what I figured you’d say SO... let’s buy something super dumb with his money and not tell him?”

“You’re an evil genius Barnes”

“Wouldn’t be anything without my scheming sidekick”

“Why am I the sidekick?”

“Because I was Steve’s sidekick and now your mine, it’s just the way it works...”

“If you say so...”

“Oh I say so...”

He pulls into the parking lot, I was hoping it would be quiet(er) with it being later in the day but it seems as busy as ever, oh well. If we concentrate on the list I wrote and not aimlessly wander buying Christmas nonsense it should be... ok... I hope. But last time Bucky went grocery shopping he bought snacks and pop and not actual food. Maybe he’ll do better with... supervision.

“I didn’t realise it would be so busy... we can come back another time if it’s too overwhelming for you?”

“Doll it’s fine...” he’s grabbing a cart from the coral, one of the biggest ones “...do you think we need two carts?”

“Buck I have one oven and four people not an army...”

“How many turkeys have you got on your list?”

“Two? And I still think we only need one”

“Let’s make it three”

“How are we gonna cook THREE turkeys?”

“In three different ovens at the Tower, Captain Fuck Ass will do it then bring them?”

“What in an Uber? With three turkeys in a bag? I mean even for you guys that’s a crazy plan”

“He said he’d drive over but yes... he’s got some... I don’t know gadget that will keep them heated”

“You two are taking this way too seriously”

“It’s the first Christmas I’m gonna remember in a long time... we just wanna help, don’t want you slaving over a hot stove all day... you’re too cute”

“Flattery...”

“Come on Rogers let’s do this... on my mark”

“It’s a grocery store not a war zone”

“It’s Brooklyn...”

“Fair Point... ready?”

“Yup”

We’re half way round, with only a few non list items in the cart, Bucky’s being incredibly restrained, but a few people have been... staring, and I’m sure I’ve heard some camera clicks.

A typical Brooklyn hipster guy approaches the cart when we’re in the frozen food section debating dessert.

“Excuse me...” I think he’s going to ask me about tattoos, won’t be the first time, Bucky’s not paying the slightest bit of attention too busy looking at a pavlova, wondering what a pavlova is probably “... hi... I’m Roger, sorry to bother you...”

Bucky finally spins round “...Hey...”

“You’re the guy... right? That punched a car... in half”

“Oh...” I don’t know if I’ve ever seen Bucky... blush, it’s adorable “... yeah... that was me”

“You’re a hero...” Roger’s eyes are like hearts

“Nah, just in the right place at the right time... I’m Bucky” he firmly shakes Rogers hand and I think Roger pretty much swoons “... I live in Brooklyn... opening a vintage motorcycle repair shop... this is my... Savannah...”

“Oh from Kirby Dots?”

“Yeah”

“Awesome... well it was nice to meet you guys”

Bucky turns back to the dessert “So you’re a local celebrity then...”

“Apparently Doll... can I get this?”

“Yes... get ice cream too... why can we never come up with a term for each other?”

“Huh... I’m getting two... did I tell you how much I love Ben and Jerry’s? I mean... ice cream with brownies in? Genius... what did you say?”

“We always introduce each other by name as opposed to term”

“Oh well... girlfriend sounds a bit... immature? And because I never want to label you as just being... my... whatever, you are too much your own person to introduce you simply as ‘girlfriend’ it takes away from everything else you are... business woman, talented tattoo artist, wicked smart, funny... fearless...”

“I... I...”

“Inappropriate?”

“No I just... bit lost for words...” I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him probably in an inappropriate way for the frozen food aisle in Walmart “... I mean I was gonna say that calling an almost hundred year old man ‘boyfriend’ sounded silly...”

“You call me ‘yours’... when you introduce me to people you say this is ‘my Bucky’ and honestly? Belonging to someone... belonging to YOU... that’s so much more meaningful to me than ‘boyfriend’”

“You’re the best...”

“I am? Come on Rogers, turkeys...”

“I still say we only need two at the most... how about we get one BIG turkey and two turkey crowns? Steve can cook the big turkey...”

“Turkey crown? Does it... wear an actual crown?”

“No Buck, it’s the top part of the turkey, no legs”

“A legless turkey? In a crown?”

“That’ll be you in a couple of months... flower girl”

“Oh yeah... Jed said I am gonna have like a bucket of petals to throw, and a flower crown and a pale blue suit and I can wear sneakers...”

“When did he tell you all this?”

“He messaged me”

“Why does he have your number? To try and get Steve’s?”

“No, so we can plot about you... obviously”

“You’re up to something”

“You’re so suspicious... and I’m the... WAS... the... spy”

The cart gets piled high because Bucky cannot be controlled when it comes to the snack aisle. I’ve got a new comforter and bedding for my Mom to use, along with a weighted blanket for Bucky to try out see if it helps with his night terrors even though they’re few and far between now.

We’ve gone back to the beginning of the store because we’ve not done anything ridiculous with Steve’s money and I get the feeling it’s burning a whole in Bucky’s pocket. He sees them before I do. And I’m not gonna say no, because we said ‘something dumb’ and hoverboards are a hundred percent DUMB. Plus he’s got that big empty ‘shop’ we can ride them around in. The remainder of the cash we’ll buy alcohol with.

“I’m gonna stay in my apartment tonight”

“Will you be alright?” I’m loading the groceries on to the checkout belt.

“Sure... I mean I gotta do it at some point... plus I’ve got some equipment arriving tomorrow anywhere from seven am to five pm”

“What if...”

“If I have a night terror I’ll shuffle round in my pyjamas...”

“Do you want Hopper?”

“No... he’s to protect you... I’ve got a very threatening spatula... I’ll be fine...”

At two am, he’s crawling into bed next to me. Clutching the spatula. As I gently prise it from his cold hands I find out that James Buchanan Barnes, world’s most feared assassin has been spooked by... an owl.


	37. Yule shoot your eye out (part VIII)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky’s POV

I’ve passed my driving test. Savannah says she doesn’t know how and I’d never admit it to her but neither do I. I blame it on how much roads have changed. And cars. Power steering? POWER. STEERING? I have a metal arm why the fuck do I need power steering?

BUT because I passed my test Savannah has given me the most important task of Christmas (apparently), picking her Mom up from the airport. I debate taking Stevie, just in case, but in the end I take Hopper, for comfort and to greet his grandma Janis for the first time. 

Do I remember what she looks like? Without me asking Savannah sends me a photo so I’ll know. I think about taking a sign but I’m gonna pick her up directly out front, if I get out of the car and go into the airport I’d probably set off oh so many alarms and I don’t wanna get arrested the day before Christmas Eve. 

“Ready Hopper?” He’s buckled into the front seat of Sav’s Jeep, he gives me a head tilt “...yup that’s what I thought... you know maybe I should buy my own car?” 

I’m out on the Parkway, wait... where am I going? JFK or Newark. My cell is in the holder on the dash. Should I call Sav? Would it panic her? Stupid brain... it’s JFK I’m ninety nine percent sure it’s JFK.

I’ll call her. 

“Sav...” 

“What’s wrong? What happened?” 

“Nothing, what exit do I take? For JFK...” please be right, please be right 

She sighs, heavily, I can hear her tattoo gun stop buzzing in the background “I’ll send you a map, you want to follow signs for Domestic Arrivals... are you sure you’re up to this?” 

“Yup yup... everything is fine, I’m fine, Hopper is fine...” 

“Make sure you keep an eye out for owls” 

“You know what Rogers...” my phone beeps with a notification “... ok I got the map... I’ll get your Mom to message you when I’ve picked her up... ooo Dunkin... Hopper want a puppucino?” 

“I’m still here Buck” 

“Yup... yup... laters Weirdo” 

“Drive safe” 

She disconnects and I pull into Dunkin, managing to not hit the order box this time. 

“Hey welcome to Dunkin Donuts what can I get started for you?”

“Hey can I get a extra large Duncaccino, a classic egg and cheese with sausage and do you have puppucinos?” 

“Yup, what size?” 

“Make it a large, he’s a growing boy”

“Sure... drive to to the next window for me” 

Thankfully there’s not a line, I get anxious in lines, like I’m trapped, I can’t get out immediately but Reagan says I have to work on it until I don’t feel the anxiety. Lines are part of modern life, just like everyone being in a hurry even though they’ve nowhere to hurry to. 

“How much do I owe you...” I squint at his name tag “...Patrick?”

“Ten dollars and fifty nine cents please...” Hopper knows what’s going on and clambers into my lap, his harness obviously wasn’t tight enough “...oh my goodness... hello puppy...” 

Hopper let’s out a happy howl as I hand over a twenty “...keep the change... oh he’s called Hopper after Chief Hopper” 

“From Stranger Things?” 

He hands me my order, Hoppers trying to get his nose in my bag already “...that’s the one... alright puppy...” 

“Do you... live around here?” 

“Yeah...” I’ve got my drinks in the cup holders 

“Cool, maybe I’ll see you around...” 

“Bucky...” and the sandwich bag on the dashboard 

“Bucky...” 

“... my... Savannah has a tattoo shop, called Kirby Dots... anyway... Merry Christmas Patrick” 

“You too... bye Hopper” Hoppers nose is pushed too far into his cup to pay any attention 

I pull out on the parkway before I attempt to eat my sandwich. I get maybe half a mile further when I realise “Puppy... was... was... that guy... hitting on me? ... us?” He does a wonky head tilt and lays back down covered in his drink “...huh... this sandwich is good whatever he was doing...” 

I get to the airport without any problems and this time when a plane goes over head I know, it’s a plane for good things, no dropping bombs, why are they so low though, and big? And why are there no flying cars? I was promised a flying car. If cars flew we wouldn’t need... planes. 

“Hey Siri...” 

“I’m listening” 

“Remind me to ask Steve about flying cars” 

“Calling Steve Rogers” 

“No... stop... cancel... dammit” 

“Buck?” 

“Hey Pal... sorry, called you by accident” 

“Are you alright? Only I’m a little bit tied up right now” 

“Tied up? Do you need help?” 

“No Buck, not BAD tied up” 

“Oh for fucks sake Steve... I’m hanging up... don’t... don’t answer the phone when you’re... oh my god you’re the worst...” the line disconnects “... THE WORST” 

I follow the signs for Domestic Arrivals and hope Janis hasn’t been waiting too long, and that she is waiting, I don’t feel like doing loops around this place, my anxiety is rising, and I’m getting sweaty. Breathe Barnes, breathe, in through your nose, out through your mouth. Why are you anxious? What’s going on? Too many people, ok, it’s Christmas at an international airport, it’s bound to be busy, none of these people are enemies, you are safe. 

Ugh another line? Please be there... 

Can’t call Stevie, ‘tied up’, don’t wanna call Reagan, it’s not full blown, Savannah? No she’ll panic as much as me. One thing for it... 

“Bird Boy” 

“Bucket... what’s going on?” 

I can hear him chewing “Are you eating?” 

“It’s Christmas... it’s what you do... why are you calling me? You usually just send me insults via WhatsApp... are you...ok? Where are you... it’s loud...” 

“Airport, picking up Savannah’s Mom... I passed my driving test...” 

“Panic attack?” 

“Little bit...” 

“Everyone feels tense in airports, they’re always busy, emotions are high because people are excited, sad, happy... you’re not alone in feeling... anxious... you done your counting and breathing?” 

“Yup...” 

“No one there is an enemy Buck... I promise you... but don’t go IN the airport...” 

“No I’m not I’m meeting her out front... oh I think I see her... I better go...” 

“Good luck, mother in law and all that...” 

“She loves me... I’m charming... laters chicken wings” 

“Snowman” 

He disconnects as I pull up where Janis is stood waiting. I get out to grab her case, be polite. 

“Hopper stay... Janis... hi...” 

She throws her arms around me and squeezes “...Bucky... that sneaky little shit, she never told me it was YOU coming for me, is she at work?” 

“Yup... here I’ll take your case...” 

“Such a gentleman” she rounds the car to get in the passenger seat and as soon as she open it Hopper leaps at her “... oh my god hello... you must be Hopper? I know hello puppy... are you sitting on my knee? Ok then” she scoops him up and clambers in, arranging him on her knee as I get back in from putting her case in the trunk “... you passed your test then?” 

“Yup... sorry in advance... modern roads...” 

“I can’t even imagine sweetheart...” She fusses the puppy while I navigate us out of the airport and back on the Parkway “... so...” 

“So...” 

“You haven’t asked her yet then? She’s not called me to tell me if you have” 

“She’s still adamant we wait a year...” 

“Of course she is... but...” 

“But?” 

“You’ve not changed your mind? I know she can be... a lot” 

“Janis I’ve never been more certain of anything” 

“Good... how’s the shop?” 

“Mine or hers?” 

“Both...” 

“She’s been super busy, talking about taking more people on... mine is... an empty space with some tools in it so far... but my... apartment is liveable... I’ve tried staying there a couple of times but it needs a bit more work” an owl wrangler, do they even exist? 

“It’ll get there... how are you finding the holiday season in the twenty first century?” 

“It’s... a lot... but I have enjoyed it, thanksgiving was a bit... strained but Savannah saved it by being her usual exuberant self” 

“You mean drunk self?” 

“Maybe tipsy, she went for a nap at seven and didn’t wake up till the next morning... sorry about Steve coming for Christmas... I don’t want him to be alone” 

“Never apologise that I get to spend Christmas Day with Captain America... and this one... my furry grand baby...” 

“He’s a excellent companion to both of us...” 

“I know why he’s... here... she told me about Nick” 

“She did?” 

“Of course she did, she thinks it’s her fault...” 

“It really wasn’t... but he’s an excellent guard dog... most of the time” 

“Well he’s only a baby... aren’t you Hopper? And I bet Mummy spoils you... are you the strict one?” 

“I try to be but he did have a puppucino and half my breakfast sandwich on the way...”

“Mmmhmmm that’s what I thought... what are you going to call your shop?” 

“I have no idea, honestly, the problem is I’m over thinking it” 

“Just... ‘Barnes Bikes’ has a good ring to it” 

“Huh, you know what, it really does” 

———

I carry Janis’s case upstairs while she goes and sees Savannah. She’s taken Hopper with her. Alley Cat greets me upstairs. 

“Hey Alley Cat” she rubs round my ankles “...Grandma is downstairs... what’s going on up here?” She looks at me with those huge blue eyes and lazily blinks “...important cat things? well... don’t let me disturb you... unless... you think you could chase an owl for me?... no... never mind” 

I’m gonna go to my shop and... do... things... give Sav some time with her Mom. I’ll swing in the store first let her know where I’m going. I’ll walk, I’ve done enough driving for today. 

“Sav... Janis... Jed?” There’s no one in reception but I can hear animated voices coming from the studio 

“... oh yeah... he’s a local hero slash celebrity now...” 

“Hey... ladies... where’s Jed?” 

“Gone to fetch his... ‘wedding book’ to show Mom... we’re gonna lock up and have a drink upstairs, you staying?” 

“I’m gonna go... freshen up... I’ll see you upstairs... Bucky don’t be gone too long” she scoops up Hopper as she goes 

“I won’t...” Sav’s cleaning up, I hear the store bell ring meaning I’m alone with her so I go hug her from behind, pinning her arms to her sides “...Hey” 

“Hey Barnes... did you do ok with the driving?” 

“Your Jeep is still in one piece” 

“That’s not what I meant...” 

“I know... it was fine... little bit of anxiety but nothing major...” 

“Well thank you... I appreciate it... can you let me go so I can hug you properly?” 

I release her and spin her round, dipping her down to kiss her “... I hope your Mom didn’t say anything bad about my driving?” 

“She said you were charming as ever...” I kiss her once more and lift her back up “... so... drinks? wedding book?” 

“I’m gonna go to the store... the internet and phone line got switched on today... plus... hangout with your Mom, girl time... well... and Jed” 

“You sure?” 

“Yes... I’ll stay there tonight...” 

“All night? Even if there’s nocturnal creatures?” 

“Yes...” 

“Meds?” 

“In the bathroom...” 

“Food?” 

“I’ll get a takeout...” 

“Thank you...” 

“Yeah well you won’t get rid of me for the next two days... and can I say how utterly excited I am to... ‘sleep’ in your fort” 

“I’ll probably share the bed with Mom tonight, I’m saving the fort... I need to lock up... you’re gonna have to let go of me...” 

“Oh... right...” I let her slip from my arms and turn the equipment off, carefully, because of the ‘wall’, then the lights, leaving the tree lights on before we step outside into the December evening air. 

“Goodnight Sargent...” 

“Miss Rogers...” It’s the way she slightly bites her lip and fiddles with her hair, curling it round her finger looking all coy that makes me hurl myself at her, pinning her to the wall, kissing her deeply, I don’t think I’ll ever tire of this. The way she responds to me, pushing as much of her body into mine as she can, the way she gently tugs my hair at the bottom of my head. Or runs her fingers across the skin between my jacket and pants. I break apart from her and cup her face in my hands, running my thumb over her bottom lip “I love you” 

“Watch out for owls...” 

“You are gonna get such a spanking...” 

“Promises promises...” she puts the smallest of kisses to my lips “...I love you too” 

“Savannah stop making out with your... Bucky in the street like a common harlot... KIDDING... but come on... Jed’s opened the Prosecco”

“Oh my god my mother... I’LL BE RIGHT THERE” 

“Goodnight Bucky” 

“Goodnight Janis” She vanishes from the window she’d been leaning out “I’ll see you tomorrow Doll” 

“Be safe...” 

I walk away, when I get to the corner and turn back to look she’s hovering in the doorway watching me go. I wave to her and watch as she goes in the apartment door, closing it behind her. 

One day Savannah, we won’t go to separate buildings. You just need to catch up to where I am...


	38. Yule shoot your eye out (part IX)

Christmas Eve Morning 

I am so glad that I wrapped everything last night instead of pouring copious amounts of booze down my throat with Jed and my Mom BECAUSE it’s barely seven am and Hopper leaps off me, spins in circles and then starts barking, a couple of minutes later I hear the front door open and Bucky’s footsteps plodding up the stairs. 

I’m on the couch as Mom is starfishing right in the middle of my bed. I hadn’t blown up the air bed in the fort so I took the couch. Hopper decided the best thing for him to do was lay on top of me. None of this had led to a restful nights sleep. Plus Mom’s snoring, which she’s still doing now. Obviously I debated going to Bucky’s but he needs to have his independence just as I do. 

“Bucky?” 

“Hey Doll wotcha doing on the couch?” 

I pull myself up into a sitting position “...Mom... it’s barely seven Buck... what’s wrong?” 

Hopper’s following him as he’s arrived with two huge coffees and a brown bag, that smells delicious “I didn’t know what your Mom wanted so I can go back?” He puts everything down on the coffee table 

“She’ll be asleep for a while yet... come” I pat the spot on the couch next to me, he sits down and I cuddle up to him “...owls again?” 

“Nah... just... ugh... don’t laugh...” 

“I would never...” I cross my heart

“Lonely... and too quiet, I mean the Tower was always noisy, when I stay here, it’s... not loud noisy but happy noisy...” he rests his head on my shoulder “...did you have a good night?” 

“Yeah... you know we could get you a white noise machine” 

“A what?” 

“White noise machine, they’re for babies to help them sleep, it plays sounds like rainfall and wind blowing, waves crashing and so on...” 

“Coffee?” 

“Yes please” he hands me the cup with my name on it “...what’s in the bag?” 

“Cross ants” he knows what they’re really called, he just thinks he’s funny 

“Croissants?” 

“Yup... chocolate ones” 

“You wanna get out of here? Take Hopper down to the shore? Or we could go into Manhattan and see the Rockefeller tree?” 

“I think downtown Manhattan might be overwhelming for you, but the shore sounds wonderful... I’ll get changed” 

———

I spent last Christmas convinced I was being watched. This Christmas I KNOW I’m being watched. I’m being watched as I throw rocks into to waves for Hopper to chase. 

“I can feel you staring at me...” 

He moves to stand behind me, resting his chin on my shoulder “You look so beautiful right now”

“Half in my pyjamas and not wearing any make up?” 

“Especially because of those things...” 

“You know last Christmas I kept thinking people were following me...” 

“If they were... it wasn’t me... I don’t think... or I don’t remember following you, I don’t remember seeing you again until you came to collect your Jeep... otherwise known as the day I fell in love” 

“Uh huh, how did that work out for your Barnes?” 

“Well Rogers...” he wraps his arms around my waist “...I’d say it worked out pretty dam well to be honest... how about you?” 

“I mean... you steal the covers... you leave the toilet seat up... and you will insist on driving that ridiculous bike everywhere...” 

“They’re your complaints?” 

“Yes” 

“Not that I have a metal arm... was an assassin... have gaping holes in my memory... my best friend is... a man whore... I mean Captain America?” 

“Nah... you ARE messy though” 

“So are YOU” 

“MY mess is organised thank you very much” 

He picks me up and swings me round, probably with more ease than a ‘normal’ person but not so as anyone would notice, I squeal in delight, it makes me feel like a kid. Hopper decides he doesn’t like my squeal or he thinks I’m in danger and runs out of the water, barking and starts tugging Bucky’s pants. 

“Alright pup... I’m not hurting her” I’m put back down “...see?” He’s bent down fussing him “...good boy... good boy... Mommy is the most important thing... you protect her... even if it means hurting me ok?” 

“Sometimes I think you expect him to answer back...” 

“I wish he could, what do you think he’d say?” 

“It’s cold, I’m wet and why did neither of you bring me snacks?” 

“Yeah I think you’re right... come on pup...” Bucky clips Hopper back into his harness and we start making our way back to the Jeep “... are there any Christmas traditions I need to be aware of?” 

“Erm...” he’s holding my hand as we walk across the sand, the sun is only just rising “...pyjamas, take out and movies?” 

“And why does the fort have a ‘keep out’ sign on it?” 

“Because it’s not ready yet... plus I don’t want my Mom in there... touching... things” 

“Sexual things?” 

“What do you think ‘sexual things’ are?”

“Bras...” 

“Oh my god...” 

“Didos...”

“Dildos?” 

“Yup and that slippery stuff...” 

“Lube?” 

“Yes... and... cock rings” 

“You’re so ridiculous...” 

“Leather and whips” 

“What do you know about S and M?”

“They come in many different varieties but I like the peanut butter ones best...” 

“That’s M&M’s... do you want me to... whip you...” 

“No... I mean I like it when you...” I see him look around even though it’s way too early for masses of people “...scratch me when you get... excited, and tug my hair... but as far as... bondage goes... I think it’s a soft no from me...” 

“Soft no?” We’re back at the Jeep and he’s trying to dry Hoppers paws, I’m leant against the side smoking while I watch him. 

“Well I mean... I can’t say I have experience of a LIFETIME of sex... maybe I’ll get bored enough to get into... that...” 

“I see...” he shuts Hopper in the car and reaches over plucking my cig from my fingers and takes a drag “... hey...” 

“Plus... I dunno it might trigger... things...” 

“That’s what I thought” 

He flicks the butt away “Get in the Jeep Rogers” 

“Why am I always the passenger?” 

“Because I’m in charge... I’m the... fiftieth shade of green” 

“You have no idea what you’re talking about and I love you” He turns to me as he starts the car and beams at me. 

———

We make a few stops on the way back to my apartment. Mom won’t miss us, she’s probably still snoring. 

Firstly we stop at a barbers, Bucky decides that if family photographs are going to be taken he wants his hair to not be verging on ‘shaggy’ (his words not mine). There’s one round the corner from his shop, in the opposite direction to where he usually walks which is probably why he hasn’t discovered it yet. I tell him I’ll sit outside and wait as we’ve got Hopper but he asks the guy if we can come in too and he’s more than happy to let us. He’s even got a jar of dog treats. 

Bucky thinks the shop has somehow gotten stuck in time but the barber, Finn, explains to him that it’s ‘retro’. 

“Am I retro?” I’m sitting in the chair next to his reading a magazine, Hopper on my knee 

I don’t even look up “Very...” 

“Any big Christmas plans guys?” 

“She’s built a Christmas fort for us to... sleep in” 

“I only have a one bed apartment above my store and my Mom’s here” 

“I knew I recognised you, you’re... sorry bad with names... Sarah?” 

“Savannah...” 

“Right from Kirby Dots? I know Bryan from the Bean, I’m going to his wedding... so if you’re Savannah... then THIS must be Bucky? The flower girl... oh man... it is an honour to meet you guys, I’ve heard so much about you...” he lifts the clippers off the table and I cough and shake my head, knowing the sound of them makes Bucky really anxious, thankfully he nods and cuts his hair with scissors only. I’m assuming it was something Hydra did to him, either with clippers or something that sounds like clippers. Anytime Bucky has experienced anxiety there’s literally a group chat that it goes to so we’re all in the loop, the loop being me, Steve and Reagan. It was Steve that discovered the aversion to hair clippers.

The second stop is the liquor store. With a freshly trimmed Bucky and Hopper wearing a bow tie that Finn insisted on providing us after Bucky gave him a hefty tip. 

Liquor, unless it’s Thor’s otherworldly mead has zero effect on him but I know I’ll want some wine with dinner and some champagne for breakfast mimosas in the morning. He finds the idea of drinking with breakfast kind of extreme, but I explain it’s Christmas it’s just what happens. We get Moet because, Christmas, wine (red and white) and beer because I know he and Steve like the stuff that’s brewed by hipsters in basements in Ohio or whatever, beer is beer to me, Pabst Blue Ribbon or nothing in my opinion. 

Third stop is the most dangerous. Bucky’s shop. We clip Hopper to the staircase leading upstairs and he curls up and nods off, although how long he’ll sleep for when we start is anyone’s guess. 

“Ready?” 

“I still say we should be wearing helmets” 

“I don’t know why you’ve got those things on your wrists as it is...” 

“Because mine are more breakable than yours and I kind of need them for work” 

“Fair point... anyway... let’s go” He immediately lands on his ass after travelling no more than three feet “... Godammit” 

“Are you ok?” 

“Yes... you go” I set my hoverboard moving forward and manage a full lap of the shop, Hopper remains asleep “... show off” 

“Try again” 

He tries again, getting maybe a foot further than he did last time, this time he falls forwards on to his knees “Why... you make this look easy” 

“I mean you did miss skateboarding... a whole generation of people learnt to balance on boards... can you ride a bicycle?” 

“Nope...” 

“Well maybe we should’ve started there...” I do one more lap, then hop off my board and stand facing him as he’s on his “... hold my hands... ready?” A unsure nod “... come on then, I’ve got ya...” he moves slowly forwards and I walk backwards holding his hands “...see... I’m gonna let go...” 

“Don’t...” 

“You’ve got it...” 

I wriggle free of his grip, and step aside, this time he gets a good third of the way across the floor before he topples. This time Hopper does wake up, but realising neither of us are hurt or in danger he just puts his head back down again. 

“I once scaled a building, I’ve basically been a ninja... fuck you hoverboard... why can’t I do it?” 

“Practise Buck that’s all” 

“Maybe I should’ve started with a skateboard...”

“It’s all about finding your centre of gravity, once you’ve got that it’s easy... you can ask my Mom about my roller skating obsession later” 

“Well I’m hungry...” he’s brushing himself down 

“Figured you would be... come on ninja... let’s get some subs on the way home”

———

“Oh there you are... I was just about to send out a search party... Good Morning you two” Mom is lounging on the couch, Alpine on her knee, some naff Christmas movie playing on the TV. 

“Mom it’s twelve thirty...” I plop down in the armchair and led Hopper off his lead, he immediately goes to Mom for fusses 

“It is? ... shit... shouldn’t have had that last glass of wine” 

“Hey Janis...” 

“Bucky... what ya got there?” 

He’s putting the liquor in the refrigerator, or rather trying to, it’s so jammed full with food he might struggle, we might be better leaving it out on the fire escape to keep cool. 

“Booze and food...” he just about manages to close the door 

“Ahh my two favourite things... is that Subway?” 

“Yup... got your favourite...” he hands us both a bag with our sandwiches in and then sits at the table 

“Where have you two been anyway?” 

“The shore... to get Bucky’s haircut, to get booze, ride hoverboards...” 

“Ride hoverboards?” 

“Yeah we bought them for each other except I can’t stand up on mine and Savannah is really good on hers... she said she had a roller skating obsession?” 

“Oh yes she did... as soon as she could walk she could skate... got her some... well you wouldn’t know but they were plastic skates that all the kids had, then she upgraded to Barbie ones, then adult ones, she was likes figure skater but instead of ice it was concrete... I don’t know why you don’t skate anymore sweetheart... you loved that... derby thing...” 

“Derby?” 

“Roller Derby, it’s a female team full contact sport, on skates, and the reason I gave it up was because I was too scared of breaking something and not being able to work” 

“Yeah I kinda want to see that...” I look round to see Bucky wink at me as the meat falls out the bottom of his sub and on to the floor, Hopper is there in an instant“...oh goddammit”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Eve part two will be told from Bucky’s POV and hopefully will be up by the end of the weekend.


	39. Yule shoot your eye out (part X)

Christmas Eve Afternoon and Evening

Bucky’s POV

I would very much like to see my girlfriend on skates. I googled Roller Derby, we’re gonna talk more on that when we’re... alone.

Right now though I’m stretched out on her couch, Hopper laid on my chest, Alpine lounging on the back of the couch, It’s a Wonderful Life is on the television. As far as Christmases go, this one is shaping up nicely. Savannah and her Mom are sitting at the table, peeling vegetables, making stuffing (with chestnuts) and chatting about... well not a lot... but I do know that Savannah misses her Mom so she’s happy to just be in the same room as her.

I need to move at some point to go collect bags of gifts. I’ll take Hopper out for a walk and go to my ‘apartment’ where I’ve stashed them. But not right now... I’m just gonna... rest my eyes for a moment...

When I open them again it’s dark outside.

“Shit...”

“Welcome back to the land of the living Bucky”

I turn my head and Janis is in the armchair, Hopper is flopped out on the floor “...how long was I asleep?”

“Couple of hours... it’s just after four...”

“Where’s Savannah?”

“Downstairs in the store... she’s left her charger down there”

“Sorry for being terrible company”

“Sweetheart, I can’t even imagine what you went through, to see you sleeping peacefully... I think you’ve earned it”

“I need to go... collect... things...”

“Ahh... we’ll wait for Savannah and then can we all go? I’d love to see your store...”

———

When Savannah came back into her apartment she was... kind of sweaty... especially for someone who just went to get a charger. Plus her Mom winked at her, is she up to something? In the months we’ve been together... I’m not saying ‘dating’ because we’re ‘together’ pretty much all the time as opposed to short ‘dates’... she’s gotten so good at... being light on her feet. The only times I know she’s in the room and what she’s doing is when she WANTS me to know.

We all bundled up in winter coats, got Hopper on his lead, Alpine in her cat-pack (because Janis said she’d feel left out) and walked around to my place. I felt a sense of... peace. I love Steve, he is, my... what did Savannah say? BIFF? But I don’t NEED him anymore. I need my pack, me Savannah and the animals. And right now Janis too. I feel like a player with Savannah holding my left hand and Janis’s arm looped through mine on the other side. There’s some lighthearted bickering between mother and daughter as they decide what we should eat for dinner. Apparently they take it in turns to choose each Christmas Eve only now they can’t remember who chose last year so this year they tell me I can pick, anything so long as it’s not Taco Bell and that it can be delivered. I’ve still not got very far with trying all the new cuisines available and sometimes new things can make me feel anxious so I tend to stick with what I know.

“What’s that stuff with the little balls in it? Not the Matzo soup... the little like pancakes but in the soup”

“Wonton soup? From the Chinese place on the avenue?”

“YES...”

“Chinese it is then... Mom you good with that?”

“Of course, I’ll get to know my Christmas fortune”

“Bucky isn’t a fan of the fortune cookies”

“I don’t like to be told what to do by a cookie...” I’ve freed myself from the ladies and unlocked the door “... so this is it... so far... it’s cold so leave your coat on Janis”

“Whoa... this is... an impressive... empty space?”

“Sarcasm runs in the family?”

“Yup... it’s got great potential Bucky also... Savannah how much did the bat pole figure into this purchase?”

“Oh he walked in saw the pole and bought it before he looked at anything else...”

“Would you like to see upstairs? It’s not much, just a studio apartment but it’s... home, some of the time...”

“No sweetheart... that’s alright... I’ll stay down here with my child... Alpine, what’s do you think of Bucky’s shop, this is the first time you’ve been here huh?”

Janis starts a lap around the space pointing things out to Alpine who’s lazily blinking not bothered at all.

“I’ll be right back... stay down here with your Mom?”

“You’ve thrown wet towels everywhere haven’t you?”

“Yup”

I haven’t really, well no more usual. But I did have a... disagreement with the wrapping paper, probably best she doesn’t see that. What is important that she sees is that I can very neatly wrap a gift... on the fifth attempt.

———

“If you eat something and nobody sees you eat it, it has no calories... well I’m taking that advice into the new year... Savannah what you got?”

“As long as you don’t sign up for anything new, you’ll do fine... erm... I guess... things are pretty good” she shoots me a dazzling smile from across the dining table where the remnants of what could only be described as a small banquet lay “...Buck?”

“It could be better, but it’s good enough”

“I mean... your memory is good enough... but it could be better”

“So could mine...”

“That’s just old age Mom, not... meddling scientists...”

“Old age?... I’m in my prime... sixty is a wonderful age...”

“Uh huh...” Savannah rolls her eyes over the glass of soda she’s holding up

“Well I guess it’s time...”

“Mom, no... really?” Janis pushes herself away from the table and vanishes into the bedroom, Savannah us looking everywhere but at me, and shaking her head.

“Here we go... Bucky obviously I got you one as well...” she’s got two boxes, about the size of a shoe box, they’re green and red, with pictures of elves and reindeer on them, she hands one to Savannah and one to me “... it’s got my name on it...” it says Bucky in big golden glittery letters “...sorry... it’s a... thing”

“Did I do... wrong?”

“No Mom, not at all... Bucky is not used to his name being associated with positive things, or having his NAME used at all...”

Savannah reaches her hand out to hold mine, gently stroking her thumb over the back of my knuckles.

“I love it... what... erm... what is it?”

“Open it...”

“It’s not... Christmas”

“No sweetheart this is a Christmas Eve box... I guess you didn’t have them in the forties huh?”

“Nope...” Savannah let’s go of my hand so I can lift the lid on the box, inside is what seems to be a pair of pyjamas, stripy ones with that green thing on them... what’s he called? The Grinch that’s it, a mug with The Grinch on (that also says my name) and a lump of chocolate on the end of a wooden stick “... erm... so... pyjamas?... a mug... and is this a chocolate lollipop?”

Savannah giggle snorts “... it’s a hot chocolate stirrer, you get a cup of heated milk and stir it in”

“Oh... OH... I... erm don’t know what to say... thank you... I don’t know if anyone has ever bought me... things like these before... I love it... Sav... what did you get?”

“Same as you...”

“So the idea is... I take the boxes back and then next year on Christmas Eve you get it back with a new set of pyjamas etc in there... sound good?”

“Yes... I mean thank you... again... can I... put these on now?”

“Of course, I hope they fit... I got you both extra large as I know madam here likes her nightwear baggy... but I figured you’ve got those... shoulders... so... go... shoo... both of you... I’ll clean this up... you want your hot chocolates now?”

“Not for me... I don’t think it’ll sit well with the Chinese food... Bucky will though I should think, I’m sure his insides are also made of metal... plus you’ll make it with cows milk...”

“Oh Bucky... does she make you drink the... non milk, milk?”

“Yeah... I don’t mind it though... but on this occasion regular milk would be awesome...”

Savannah leads me by the hand into her bedroom, and closes the door, I notice it’s been well and truly taken over by her Mom, it smells of her perfume, the whole atmosphere feels... different. Not bad, just not... Savannah.

“Sorry about this... it started about ten years ago... when we got way into Christmas again after my rebellious teenage being over everything phase that actually lasted until my mid twenties ended... and...”

“Are you kidding? This is AMAZING” I’m so excited about putting these on I’m tripping over my jeans as I wriggle out of them, I leave my boxer briefs ON though... the pyjamas fit perfectly, a little baggy even...

“I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you take your clothes off so fast...” she’s gotten stuck, her head is halfway in the tshirt, it’s because she’s got so much hair, and it’s really thick so it causes hilarious difficulties despite its beauty “... I know you’re sniggering at me... can you help me please?”

I pull her out of the shirt, leaving her standing in just her underwear, it’s navy blue today, almost matching but her bra has white polka dots on it “... hello there...”

“Don’t be inappropriate Barnes” she’s wriggling into her own set of pyjamas “... save it for later... well we look... ridiculous?”

“I think we look adorable... let’s get your Mom to take photos of us with the animals and then next year we can use it as one of those cards people get made... Happy Holidays from The Barnes Family”

She raises her eyebrows “The Barnes Family?”

“Yup... because by then I’ll have worn you down”

“Is that so?”

“Uh huh...” we’re nose to nose so I kiss her, just a little bit, can’t get too... physical... these pyjamas will hide NOTHING

“Come on... does my eyeliner look alright? If I’m gonna have my photo taken I wanna look vaguely attractive”

“It’s perfect...” it really is, if she ever needs to fire a weapon her hands are steady enough to make a perfect shot... plus it NEVER comes off until she’s ready for it to come off, that eyeliner once it’s there does not move “... and you look beautiful... you always do...”

“BUCKY?” Janis’s voice is calling from the other room “... your hot chocolate is ready...”

———

Around ten Janis starts to fall asleep in the armchair. We’ve been watching Elf, which I love and in no way cried with happiness at the end when the singing made Santa’s sleigh fly again. Now on the television is one of the comedies Savannah likes so much, the one about the drunk people in bar in Philadelphia. We’re huddled up on the couch with Hopper laid across us, he’s wearing self outfit that Janis bought for him, she got one for Alpine too but she wasn’t into it. At all.

“Mom...” she doesn’t stir... “MOM”

“Whhhhaaaawhaat? Oh god I fell asleep didn’t I?”

“Yup... we’re gonna take Hopper out to pee then go watch a movie... in the.. fort... go to bed... you’ll only complain you’ve got a sore neck if you sleep in the chair for too long...” Savannah is up and off the couch, pulling on her furry boots, which means I’m gonna have to put my own boots on

“Yup yup I know I know...” Janis embraces both of us before she vanishes into the bedroom and closes the door behind her

“Ready?” Savannah is trying not to laugh, I mean I guess we look pretty... dumb

“Me or Hopper?”

“Both of you...” she holds out her hand and we make our way downstairs

Hopper heads straight for his favourite hydrant to pee, then tugs so we walk once up and down the length of the block. The streets are deserted, it’s peaceful, lightly snowing. We share a smoke, I know neither of us should smoke, we know it’s bad, but we’re adults capable of making our own decisions and the decision right now is to share a smoke while our puppy makes his nightly rounds of all his favourite peeing spots making sure that his scent is everywhere he goes.

“This is... nice...”

“This Christmas working out well for you so far Barnes?”

“Yup...”

“Then you are ready to unlock the next level... Christmas Fort”

Hoppers crate us already on the middle floor in case he whines we can deal with it without waking up Savannah’s Mom. He goes in there pretty happily, a couple of lazy howls, spins in a couple of circles then flops out on his bed. We strip off our outside gear and lay it on top of some boxes that haven’t been used in her fort building mission.

“Can I come in the fort now?”

“Oh I’m sure you’ll come in the Fort”

“Inappropriate”

The boxes are stacked at least six foot high, there’s what looks like a sheet with a floral pattern on as a ‘roof’ and where there’s a gap in the boxes there’s another sheet hanging acting as a ‘door’.

“You go first... and yes... everything in there is for you... Alexa... main lights off, fort lights on”

The main room goes dark but there’s a soft glow coming from behind the sheet...

“Ok Christmas Fort what are your secrets?” She’s standing behind me as I pull the ‘door’ to one side. I almost fall backwards but she steadies me. It’s... incredible... there’s a huge bed, adorned with bedding that’s got reindeers on, piles of pillows and cushions. Around the top of the ‘walls’ she’s hung garlands and tinsel and so many strings of little twinkling lights. There’s a box at the end of the bed with her laptop on. On the far ‘wall’ she’s hung a fake fire place painting and stockings that look like the ones I described to her from when I was a kid “I...I...”

She’s wrapped her arms around my waist, her head resting on my shoulder “You like it?”

“LIKE it? Savannah I LOVE IT... you did this for me?”

“For us...”

“What is that?” My eyes have fallen upon what looks like two burritos in the middle of the bed

“THOSE are blankets that look like tortillas so we can be the filling in the burrito... and there’s my laptop I’ve got a variety of Christmas movies on there to choose from... and erm... I kind of cheated on the stocking and asked Steve what they looked like so I could get you one...” she kisses my neck “...are we getting in or what Barnes?”

We make it half way through Scrooged before the Grinch pyjamas are shedded, and we make love under the Christmas lights. She rides me, this beautiful grinding rhythm that has my toes curling. I have to keep a solid grip on her hips as the air bed is not the most stable of surfaces for such activities, but we manage... there’s some giggling, deep breathing, moaning that’s maybe a little too loud as she clamps her hand over my mouth. I can’t help it. Her thighs gripping me in place? Her breasts bouncing, her back arching? Hair falling over her face. She’s so beautiful. So beautiful. And when she cums, she looks even more beautiful.

Just as I’m about to spill into her, my whole body tensing, she stops. At first I think something is wrong but she crawls down my body and takes my dick in her mouth. Working me with her hand at the same time. It doesn’t take me long to meet her pace. I scoop her hair up in my hand so I can watch while she works, she’s looking straight up at me, those huge doe eyes watching me sweat and curse, and moan.

When I cum I see stars, she swallows me down and makes her way back up the bed so we’re face to face again.

“Merry Christmas Barnes”

“Merry Christmas Rogers”

We wrap ourselves up like burritos and spoon up to each other, the air bed making us roll together no matter how hard we try not to. If this is Christmas, I cannot wait for a lifetime of these.


	40. Yule shoot your eye out (part XI)

I thought Bucky would be wide awake at five am like a child seeing as it’s, kind of, his first Christmas but it’s Hopper’s whining that wakes me up about seven. Bucky is still fast asleep, I’d say next to me, but I think underneath me (thanks to the air bed) would be a better description. 

I don’t want him to wake up alone on his, kind of, first Christmas so I give him a nudge knowing I need to take Hopper out only he just makes a smacking noise with his mouth and turns over, so I try again, still nothing. And Hopper’s starting to get frantic, so I haul myself off the air bed and out of the fort, slinging on my coat and boots. Hopefully Mom won’t come down because Bucky’s sprawled on top of the covers missing the top half of his pyjamas and looking like he’s had a sleeping fight club with the bottom as his ass is hanging out. 

Hopper heads straight to the hydrant and pees for America, he must’ve been desperate, he spins in a couple of circles, poops and then starts whining to go back in. I mean it is cold out here and I am super grateful I’ve got hand sanitiser and poop bags in my pockets so we don’t hang about. 

I’m not going to put him back in his cage and as soon as we get up the stairs he heads into the fort and jumps on the bed. He doesn’t wake Bucky up though, no licking, jumping, howling, just flops out next to him then stares at me until I’ve stripped off my coat and boots and gotten back into bed. 

Bucky must be vaguely awake as once I’ve settled back down (spooning puppy as opposed to boyfriend) he reaches his hand out and takes mine, squeezing it, mumbling something that sounds like a combination of “good morning, happy Christmas, love you, sleep”. 

It doesn’t take me long to get warm, separate blankets are a winner, because I’m warm, not on fire from Bucky’s LITERALLY super hot skin. We’re like two Burritos with a hot dog in the middle. I’m half laughing to myself about this as I drift back off to sleep. 

“IT’S CHRISTMAS” 

Hopper’s off the bed and running upstairs at the sound of my Mom’s shouting. 

A quick glance at my cell tells me it’s now ten, and that Steve Rogers has been up for a WHILE judging by the many texts he’s send me about turkeys, Bucky, and what time should he get here... 

“Buck...” 

“Yeah?” 

“Happy Christmas...” 

“.... sss’morning?”

He’s rolled over and collided with me, we’re a tangle of limbs in the middle of the air bed. 

“Yeah... it’s morning, Christmas morning...”

“I’m so fucking cosy... Happy Christmas you wonderful weirdo... where’s my child?”

“YOUR child?” 

“Sorry OUR child... the furry baby...” 

“Grandma is awake... and by the smell of it cooking breakfast...” 

“Awesome... can I have... gifts?” 

“Of course, that’s why your stocking is in here...” 

He practically bounces to the end of the bed and pulls the stocking from the hook. We end up sat cross legged on the air bed, TRYING not to fall into each other. 

“I feel bad... I didn’t get you one.. I didn’t know I was supposed to...” 

“I didn’t expect you too... just... open it...” 

He delves his flesh hand into the long sock and a range of expressions play out on his face, as if he’s trying to work out what’s in there by touch.

“So... an...” he pulls the first item out “...orange...” 

“Right?” 

“Very right... and...” his hand goes back in “...huh...” 

“Not right?” 

“A little bit too right... where did you get it?” 

He’s closely examining the red tin racing car is put in there “Antiques mall... is your head...” 

“My head is fine... and I love it... I’m gonna put it somewhere special in the shop...” 

“ARE YOU TWO HUNGRY?” My Mom must be stood at the top of the stairs “Or shall I feed your breakfasts to the puppy so you two can... smooch?” 

“Oh my god” my face rapidly heats up and Bucky just straight up giggles 

“I’M STARVING JANIS I’LL BE RIGHT THERE...” he leans forwards and kisses the end of my nose “...come on Rogers... food... let the eating COMMENCE” 

———

My Mom seemed to have cooked half the food in my refrigerator for breakfast. Even Bucky the bottomless pit had to give up. We sit at the table for gift exchanging as Hopper is too interested in things on the floor and he can’t quite reach the table. 

The first thing Bucky passes me is an envelope, plain white “Fall Out Boy tickets?” 

“Fall Out Boy tickets... and they’re in the... pit? Is that... right?” 

“Yes... oh my god... you’re coming too?” 

“Obviously” 

“Oh boy... Bucky those concerts are LOUD and full of screaming teenage girls, and screaming Savannah...” 

“I’m looking forward to it... here’s the next one...” he puts a box on the table in front of me and I tear into it, revealing a NIKE ID box under the (very neat) paper “... I checked with Nat on the size?”

“They’re... I mean...” they’re Air Force Ones, teal and black to match my hair and on the heels is stitched ‘Kirby Dots’ “...amazing... thank you...” 

“Sneakers and concert tickets? Oh you’re definitely a keeper...” my Mom WINKS at Bucky 

“Janis I have gotten you... something...” 

“You didn’t have to sweetheart” Bucky slides a small parcel over to my Mom, she opens it and her face lights up “I’ve... I’ve never seen this photo?” She turns it round to me and I see an image of my Grandmother in her Air Force uniform in a beautiful sturdy wooden frame “... thank you so much... how did you find it?” 

“Ahhh well being of a certain... age gives me... access to military data from... back then” 

“Thank you...” 

“Right Barnes your turn” I lean down in to the gift bag at my feet and stack a pile of gifts in front of him “... there’s no order to open them... just... go for it” 

His eyes go wide, he licks his lips then very carefully he starts opening the paper. A few minutes later he’s sat behind a new bottle of his favourite aftershave, an Alexa (one of the ones with a screen), so many pairs of socks (with days of the weeks on them) as he loses his constantly, and a new belt because he got one from the thrift and it fell apart. My Mom got him a cook book for beginners so he can at least try and cook something that’s not bacon and eggs. 

“Wow... I feel... spoilt... thank you... both of you...” he reaches his metal hand to me and the other to my Mom 

“Oh that’s not it there’s one more... but you’ll need to come with me... do you want to get dressed first?” 

He narrows his eyes at me “What have you done? How far do I need to go?” 

“You’ll see and downstairs...” 

“I’ll stay in my pjs then...”

“Be right back Mom...” 

“I’ll start putting things in the oven to slowly roast while you’re down there...”

We shuffle into our boots, no coats and make our way downstairs, I couldn’t wrap it but I did put a bow on it. I make him close his eyes, putting his hands over them for good measure and I guide him into the reception of my store. I leave his side and go stand next to it, like a game show host’s assistant. 

“Ok Barnes you can open your eyes now...” 

His eyes go wide and his mouth drops “...what... the... fuck?” 

“I thought it’d be cool in your shop... it works...” I’d left a nickel on the reception desk for this so I pick it up and hand it him “... there’s only a couple of bottles in there...” 

He plucks the nickel from my fingers and places it in the slot, the mechanics clunk and a bottle of Coke drops down “AMAZING... where the hell did you find a vintage coke vending machine though? I mean I remember these before I went to war, there was one JUST like this at the station, me and Steve would have it as a treat on a Saturday morning on our way to the pictures and...” I get ready to catch him but he steadies himself “... I’m ok... I love it...” He pulls me toward him and kisses me “... and I love you...” 

“You’re welcome... I literally saw it on the side of the road, I gotta tell you though Barnes, I ain’t moving it again... that’s all on you...” I kiss him again, half way debating whether or not to have a naked romp behind the counter but think better of it “... come on... I bet Steve will have messaged us both at least ten times more since we’ve been down here...” 

———

At three pm, after we’ve gotten dressed (in ridiculous Christmas sweaters from the thrift) and lounged around drinking wine and snacking on chocolate we hear a car roll up in the alleyway honking it’s horn. Steve Rogers has arrived. Hopper’s barking out the kitchen window. 

Bucky goes downstairs to meet him, and give him his own ridiculous sweater to put on because he’s probably dressed like an old man. They come back up the stairs loudly as my Mom is fixing her hair in the mirror... oh god... 

“Ladies... Happy Christmas... thank you for the... sweater...” it’s a little tighter than I envisioned but it weirdly suits him. He’s got two large padded bags in his hands, Bucky is behind him with another padded bag AND a gift bag hanging from his arm “... turkeys?” 

“Ahhh yes... thank you Steve... I’ll take those...” the turkeys are placed on the counter top nearest the oven but I doubt they’re in danger of going cold seeing as there’s an Iron Man logo on each of the containers “... can I get you a drink? Wine... beer... pop?” 

“I’ve had three mimosas Stevie... they’re amazing... alcohol for breakfast” 

“Uh huh well I’ll gladly take a beer?” Hopper is nipping at his ankles so he bends down to fuss him.

“It’s in the refrigerator help yourself...” Mom has sat down in the armchair “... otherwise I’ll be up and down... right Savannah?” 

“Yup... help yourself to whatever... dinner will be...” 

“Not long... I’ll make the gravy once Steve has settled in...” 

“Well in that case...” Steve grabs himself a beer from the refrigerator and then delves into the gift bag Bucky had been carrying that’s been put on the table “... before I sit down... now ones for you and ones for Savannah, they’re not the same but I erm... mislaid the tags so... pick one and if you get the wrong one... swap... Janis... this is for you...” he hands my Mom a small piece of paper “... call that number, they’re waiting for you...” 

“A mystery... oh I love a mystery... my cell in on charge in the bedroom... if you’ll excuse me” 

“Steve what have you done?” I narrow my eyes at him

He holds his hands up “Nothing... bad” Bucky and I get handed a identical package each and Steve sits down in the chair my Mom just left. 

As soon as I open mine I know it’s wrong and I nudge Bucky and we swap. 

Mine (the right one) is a beautiful hand drawn portrait of me and Bucky in a metal frame... the frame is... haphazardly welded together “Did you draw this?” 

“Yup... is it... bad to give another artist... art?” 

“Not at all, it’s beautiful Steve thank you... I’m just... the...” 

“Frame?” 

“Yeah...” 

“It’s made from his old arm, well parts of it... Tony helped me...” 

“I love it... thank you...” 

Bucky has gone... quiet. I know why I saw what was in the box before I passed it to him. 

“Buck?” 

Steve leans forward and I put my arm up around Bucky’s shoulders “I lost this... I lost this in an alleyway in Paris in nineteen forty four... how is it... oh it’s a... replica?” 

“No Buck... it’s the real thing... when you and I... ‘died’ things that belonged to us were sought out by Howard... like your bike... but I didn’t know he had this until Tony found it a while ago... open it...” 

I lean my chin on Bucky’s shoulder to get a good look at the photo inside the pocket watch, it’s a photo of me at Thanksgiving, as photos of me go it’s a good one “I love it Stevie thank you... oh we have something for you... right Sav?” 

“Right...” Bucky had no idea what to get for Steve so let me take over, or rather gave me puppy dog eyes until I gave in “... it’s under the tree... in the reindeer paper” 

As Steve is nearest and has stupidly long arms he doesn’t even have to move from the chair to get it “Oh... oh... really?” 

“Yup...” 

“Is it... an original?” 

“It is...” Bucky had given me his credit card and just said ‘go for it’ I knew instantly what I was going to get him, much like Bucky’s gift I’d already seen it weeks ago “... you should get it framed, I didn’t want to choose a frame you wouldn’t like” 

“Wow... thanks Buck” 

“Don’t look at me Sav picked it”

“I don’t know why you’re both so surprised? I’m a nerd remember, nerds know where to find first issues of Captain America... one of my clients is owns the comic book store here in Brooklyn... I told him who it was for and he almost... swooned” 

“Well thank you... both... I shall treasure it...” 

“What did you give my Mom?” I’m desperately trying to eavesdrop on whomever she’s speaking to but all I can hear is muffled giggling 

“You’ll have to ask her... Alpine!” I’d not seen the cat all morning but if there’s too many people or too much activity she’ll find herself a quiet warm spot and hide out until she gets hungry, or in this case hears the voice of one of her favourite people, she jumps up on Steve’s knee, thankfully not on top of a rare comic book “... hello puss... I missed you... yes I did” she’s head butting his chin, the traitor 

I hear the bedroom door open and my Mom walks out grinning from ear to ear “... Savannah Daisy Rogers you are so busted... oh so busted... Steve thank you so much” she leans down and kisses him on the top of his head as she heads to the kitchen 

“Mom?” 

“A few months ago... I met a lovely guy in a karaoke bar... never saw him again... I guess now I will” 

“You gave her Rhodey’s number?” 

“To be fair... HE asked me to... but, yes...” 

“Sorry Mom...” 

“Yes well... I don’t want to know what kind of trouble you’d gotten into to send an... Avenger... to check on me... but I’m glad it was... him... RIGHT let’s get this dinner under way huh? You three... get out of here for ten minutes... take Hopper out to potty... I’ll do this...” 

“You don’t want help Janis?” 

“No sweetheart... no offence but none of you are... cooks... leave this to me, let me be a Mom huh... go on... the boys can set the table when you come back...” 

“Sorry Alpine...” Steve gives her one final fuss “... rain check?” She hops down from his lap, far more interested in the smell coming from a bag with a turkey in Mom just opened 

The first thing Bucky does is show Steve the fort, it bemuses him, but if Bucky’s happy then Steve is too. Even if the cause of that happiness is an air bed in the middle of piles of boxes covered with sheets and string lights. 

THEN the Coke machine is next. Poor Hopper is pulled into the store before he’s even had chance to so much as sniff one of his favourite peeing spots. They both marvel over it, and Bucky enlists a Steve to help him move it to his shop as soon as possible. 

FINALLY we’re out on the street, it’s quiet, and not as cold as I thought it would be. 

“Why are you two always bumming my smokes?” 

“I’m a superhero I can’t be seen buying such things...” 

“And I buy them and leave them places you know this...” 

We walk round the block chatting about nothing, until Steve says “What did you guys get as your secret Santa gifts?” 

“Shit... I’d forgotten about that... mine is still under the tree, where’s yours Buck?” 

He looks all sheepish “... I opened it already... I was... impatient... it was a really beautiful leather bound journal from Nat with my name embossed on it... what did you get?” 

“Sam... I’m assuming... got me... erm... a comforter with my shield... what’s that things where it’s multiple fabrics so it stands out?” 

“Appliqué... I think...” 

“Well yeah... that... it’s pretty cool” 

“Wonder what I’ve got...”

“Only time will tell Doll... shall we head back?” 

———

Steve and Bucky set the table with the plates we got from IKEA with the reindeer on them and I help Mom out things in serving bowls. Within five minutes I think my beloved fifties diner table and chairs may just collapse under all the food. 

Hopper is downstairs in his crate, he was bribed in there with a large piece of turkey, and Alley Cat is down there having made herself at home in the fort. 

“Steve... Bucky... do we need to say Grace?” 

“Nah... I mean... I’m not religious, Stevie isn’t either... no point in saying something we don’t believe in” 

“Plus we did the thankful speech at the weirdest Thanksgiving ever...” Steve looks slightly flustered at the memory of it all 

“Well then... let’s not stand on ceremony... everyone eat... for heavens sake”

We eat in comfortable silence for a couple of minutes, Bucky is already on his second helping of turkey and stuffing. 

“Alright Rogers ‘fess up... you did NOT cook these turkeys did you?” Unless Steve has suddenly become a master chef overnight there’s no way 

“I’ve watched the Food Network...” 

“What is it with you two and the Food Network?” 

“We didn’t know how to change the channel for a week... that’s not the point... but no... I admit I did not cook the turkeys, the chefs did, I was... otherwise... engaged...” 

“STEVE” 

He looks at my Mom “I hate it when they do that... you’ll be pleased to know this is... third time I have seen this... person and it’s never been remotely... bedroom related” 

“And...” prompts Bucky 

“Nope... that’s all I’m saying... they’re very... interesting though... Buck can I stay at your shop tonight? I want another drink and don’t wanna have to drive home... I mean I assume you’ll be staying in the... fort again right?”

“Right... and yeah of course...” 

“Steve you could’ve brought your... person?” Steve nods “... the move the merrier in my opinion” 

“They’ve got a family to see... so... ANYWAY...” 

———

The table is a mess. I’m fairly sure that Bucky ate an entire turkey crown to himself. Steve is lightly snoring on the couch, head back arms folded. Just like the old man he is. Mom is gleefully texting on her cell. 

“Wanna take the puppy out?” Bucky and I are wedged on the couch next to Steve, it’s not the comfiest of seating arrangements but I get a feeling Steve and Bucky have experienced worse. 

I smile at Bucky’s suggestion “Yes... please” 

We wake a snoozing Hopper, and as soon as he wakes up, he wants to go out so it was obviously time for him to make his evening marks on the fire hydrants of Brooklyn. 

“Have you had a good... day?” 

“Yeah... the best Doll... have you?” 

“Yup... I think it’s about to get even better...” 

“And how’s that?” 

I’d realised when I woke up this morning I was ready for this to... happen... I’ve never felt so secure “I’m ready to... talk about it” 

He’s got Hopper’s lead as we walk around the block, Hopper oblivious to what’s about to happen “Talk about what?” 

I’m just gonna... launch into it here “If you asked me... I’d say yes” 

He stops abruptly almost tripping over his own feet “You would?” 

“Yes... I would...” 

“I see... and what are the conditions?” 

“I’d like to be asked... properly BUT no big ceremony... no... churches... AND because I still think it’s important for you to build some... independence, it would be a... long engagement” 

“Deal...” he holds out his pinky finger of his flesh hand and I shake it with my own “...and WHEN am I allowed to... ask?” 

“I still say a year on that and you are NOT to buy some huge rock because I lose jewellery... EASILY” 

“Oh... yeah... about that... I already have one...” 

He starts to walk away from me, whistling “Wait... WHAT?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you’ve not seen SeaBass’s video you should go see it because Bucky would totally film himself dancing to Hungry Eyes and send it to Savannah


	41. Out of my body, and flying above

Bucky’s POV 

“She said she would say yes... if I asked” 

Janis spins around from where she’s stood at the sink washing dishes with Steve. Savannah is in the bathroom, I hear the faucet running so I know I can talk normally without whispering. 

“FINALLY... god Lord my child is stubborn, she gets it from her father... what are her conditions... I assume she has them?” 

“Can’t ask... yet, but she wants it done properly and that we wouldn’t immediately get married” 

“And no churches I bet...” 

“You would be correct...” 

“So long as you SWEAR not to do it without me” 

“Cross my heart” 

“And you still have the ring I gave you?” 

“Yup” Janis had given me HER Moms engagement ring last time she was here, after we’d come back from Wakanda. I’ve had it in my sock drawer ever since, that drawer in particular because I know Savannah won’t go in there as my mismatched socks upset her OCD. 

“I think it’s great Buck... and I know... I KNOW I had my doubts at first but... since Thanksgiving and seeing how you two fit together... I’m really happy for you...” 

“Who’s really happy?” I hadn’t heard the bathroom door open, meaning Savannah had caught the tail end of that conversation 

“ME... and Steve because we get to watch you open your secret Santa...” 

“Oh shit... yeah...” 

She pulls the last box from under the tree and places it on the now empty table. It’s beautifully wrapped, as if it’s been done in a department store. There’s a label nestled in the bow that reads ‘pull me’. She reaches out and pulls it before me or Steve can stop her. The box falls open and a bright light projects from it. We all duck. I’ve got my arms around Savannah shielding her and Steve is doing the same with Janis. 

“Savannah Daisy Rogers...” it’s Tony... there’s a... hologram of Tony being projected from the box, we all relax slightly and stand back up “... it is with great honour and with express permission from Director Fury that I say... I’m here to talk to you about the Avengers initiative... it has come to our attention that when you were...” oh shit... “... away...” oh thank god “... in Wakanda” fuck “that you undertook some training, we don’t have anyone else with this skill set, so for Christmas, I dub thee Savannah Daisy Rogers a reserve Avenger... congratulations... Happy Christmas... oh and in the bottom of the box I’ve put a Target gift card... what was the limit? Two hundred dollars? Pep what was the limit? Well whatever happy Christmas... stay normal... reserve avenger”

Savannah goes to open her mouth but her Mom gets there first “Wakanda? Avengers? Training? You...” Savannah gets a finger pointed at her “You...” then me “AND you...” even Steve can’t escape the Mom point “...sit down and start talking... NOW”

———

The week between Christmas and New Years not a lot happens. 

Janis, satisfied with a VAGUE explanation as to how we’d ended up in Wakanda, flies back to where she’d left the van. Somewhere in California. Savannah and I take her to the airport and for the first time Savannah cries in front of me. Her final wall has come down. She says she feels silly but I’d miss my Mom, I mean I do miss MY Mom and she’s been gone for decades now. 

We take the decorations down. The personalised ones that were gifts are carefully wrapped in tissue paper and put in a box for next year. 

Savannah has a lot of bookings at work because people who usually work nine to five are off work for the winter break and cant get a tattoo on a Tuesday afternoon. I do some work on my shop. It’s going... alright. It’s starting to look like it supposed to at least. I wheel the Coke machine round there, and manage to navigate the internet enough to buy enough bottles to fill it up and get an engineer to come and make sure the refrigerator part of it is still working.

We get a full day together and now it’s a Mom free zone we get into... it. We’ve both been busy in the lead up to the holidays, not that it had effected the... sexual part of our relationship, but we’d not had the time to express that side of it for more than a quick fumble here and there so Hopper gets put in his cage and we spent the day literally fucking around. Neither of us puts on underwear for the whole day. We throw on onesies when we need to take Hopper out for a walk but that’s it. 

I... well I wind her up. I keep using her full name, and sounding as serious as possible like ‘Savannah Daisy Rogers will you do me the honour... of handing me the ketchup’ and so on, she gently kicks me in the shins each time I do it. I’ll get her though... when she least expects it. 

For New Years Eve we were just going to stay at her apartment, get drunk, and watch the ball drop (whatever that means) on the TV BUT a better plan is hatched. We, as in the ‘Avengers’ all receive an open invitation to New Asgard. Where, to ring in the new year, they party outside and set fire to things. And the BEST part? No flying to get there, Stephen Strange was somehow persuaded by Tony to open a ‘party portal’ so we could get there (and back). I’m not entirely sure where New Asgard is, not on the continental US, that I do know. 

I’m also excited by the idea of not having to put on some fancy uncomfortable outfit and sit in an overly loud restaurant or club making small talk with people I don’t know or really want to know. We’re told to dress ‘warm’ with ‘sensible’ footwear as it’s all outside. I’ll need it for the mead, I’ll probably roll into the sea otherwise. 

Hopper is left at the Tower, we’ll stay there in the Penthouse when we get back. Otherwise known as ‘we will lay and feel like we’re going to die for at least a day’ but still NO TRAVEL. Just step through the portal and we’re ‘home’ again. 

Bird Boy is still with his family and although I’d never admit it to his face I do miss him. There’s no one to... annoy. 

We ‘assemble’ in Tony’s private garage. He doesn’t park his vehicles on the parking level like everyone else, of course he doesn’t. 

There’s me and Savannah, Wanda and Vis, Tony and Pep, Steve and Nat. Clint is with his family. And Bruce is apparently about to have a breakthrough on... something, I don’t ask. I’m trying to stay away from... this. Peter wasn’t allowed to come to Asgard as Thor has a strong disregard for legal drinking ages and no one wants to deal with a drunk teenager. He has however been allowed to hang out with some friends on the recreation level so long as he watches Hopper for us. 

Stephen just... appears... dressed in normal clothes, much to Savannah’s disappointment, she wanted to see the wizard in ‘full effect’. He does his... spinning sparkling thing and a portal appears big enough for us to step through. 

Once everyone else is though I go through first... just in case... and when I’m sure there’s no immediate danger I offer my hand to Sav and pull her through. 

It’s cold but not unpleasantly so. There’s large bonfires scattered across the cliff tops along with burning torches to keep everything well lit. There’s a longboat in the water below that will apparently be burnt to drive out the evil spirits of the old year to start the next one afresh. 

There’s a ginormous... tent? It doesn’t have... walls. And I can smell something heavenly. This is obviously where the ‘feast’ part of the evening is. Though it’s not a sit down fancy meal, more like a barbecue, and I am all about that. I pull Savannah there first. When we get there I see there’s two long tall rows of barrels. The top row is my beloved mead, I’m so glad I talked Savannah into putting two large empty flasks in her backpack so I can fill them and smuggle it back to New York. The bottom row is barrels filled with fortified wine. I’m not a fan of any kind of wine, fortified or not but Savannah is fearful of the mead... so she grabs a large plastic glass and fills it to the brim with the wine, she makes an approving face upon her first taste of it. 

I decide to eat before I pour mead into myself. I stack a plate high with... I’m not sure what... but it looks like good hearty food, meat and potatoes and bread. It smells divine. But nothing looks and smells as divine as Savannah. She’s wearing black jeans, she put thermals on underneath them to stay warm. Her padded jacket, it’s bright red and a woollen bobble hat. She’s got rubber boots on her feet. Was way too excited to be able to wear them, apparently the queen of England wears the same brand? Not sure why that matters... this is how I love her, when she’s most like herself, comfortable. And she’s gotten a new scent as a Christmas gift from her Mom, it’s... heady and dark. 

I catch back up with her stood chatting to Nat around a bonfire. 

Everything is great. 

Until around ten pm and then things get... weird. 

Savannah’s had about five large glasses of the wine. I’m starting to feel a little... buzzed from the mead. She’s stood at the side of me, chatting to me about... nonsense when I look up and past the bonfire. The Asgardians are... well they’re glowing. 

I look to Savannah to ask if she can see what I’m seeing or if it’s the mead doing weird things. Only Savannah is glowing too. I don’t mean she looks like she’s gotten a sudden suntan, she’s literally surrounded by twinkling silver light. Like a star in the sky. 

It’s got to be the mead. 

“Are you ok?” 

She takes another sip of the wine “... I swear this is the greatest thing I’ve ever tasted, it’s like... all my favourite flavours... and it’s kind of... fizzy... but not...” 

“Are you ok?” 

“Yeah Im fine why? Are you? Are you feeling overwhelmed? We can go if you need to...” 

“No I’m fine... look at your body... do you see that?” 

She looks herself up and down “... huh... that’s... new... it’s pretty though... don’t you think?” 

“Let’s go find Thor...” 

“Why?” 

“Because you’re glowing like a star and I don’t know if it’s good or bad...” 

I grab hold of her hand and start to pull her along, I saw Thor near the tent with Steve last time I went for food and drink. Hopefully he’s still there. My train of thought gets interrupted when Savannah stumbles slightly, I put my arm out to stop her but I’m not quick enough. Only instead of face planting on the floor, she puts her hands out and stops, mid fall, as if she’s hit an invisible wall. She bounces back on to her feet and giggles. I don’t think that’s... good. 

“Sargent... and Lady Rogers... you are enjoying our celebrations I trust?” 

“LOOK AT SAVANNAH” 

He’d been perched on an empty barrel but stands up when he gets a good look at Savannah (still giggling) 

“Well... now THIS is very interesting...” He runs a hand across his beard. 

I look back at Savannah she seems... taller. Usually we’re eye level with each other but now I’m definitely the shorter one... by a lot. She must be stood higher up a slope? We are on a cliff top after all. I look down and even though it’s dark I can see her boots are NOT on the ground, she’s not... floating but she is standing on air. Great. I see other Asgardians also off the ground. 

Nat walks by me, definitely on the ground so I grab her hand and stop her. 

“Are you ok?” 

“Natasha what have you had to drink?” 

“The wine why?” 

“Notice anything... strange going on?” 

“I mean... it’s Asgard, I just figured... magic...” she shrugs and walks off not even noticing Savannah who’s still being stared at by Thor. She walks past Steve, whispers to him and he heads in our direction. 

“Buck... everything ok? Nat said you seemed...” he looks at Savannah and thankfully sees what I do “... agitated... oh shit... Savannah?” 

“S’up Captain Butthead” 

“Thor, where is... Loki?”

“Sakaar... being a space... slut... this isn’t Loki... on occasions such as this we serve drink blessed by Aegir... who was said to brew the best drink in all the realms... it is... well it’s not STRICTLY ‘magic’ as you call it... more it contains a herb that would be similar to something you have on Midgard... I believe you call it Mary?” 

“Mary Jane?” Steve’s speaking because I’m busy watching Savannah as she takes another gulp of wine, perhaps I should stop her?

“Yes that’s the lady...” 

“These people are... high?” 

Savannah is quite LITERALLY high right now. At least she’s not floating off into the sky. Yet.

“Yes... BUT... Sargent... Captain... the herb should only work on people of Asgard.... Lady Natasha has drunk it yet she’s not experiencing the effects as your beloved...” 

“Savannah is not of Asgard... she’s from New York... Astoria to be exact”

“And her parents?” 

“The same... right Buck?” 

I’m still looking at Savannah, she’s staring at the sky, smiling “Wait... her Dad was ‘of Scandinavian descent’” 

“Well by the looks of her I’d say Scandinavian was actually Asgardian... but Rogers is not a name of Asgard” 

“No... her Dad was Mason” 

“And I have no doubt that name was adjusted to suit Midgard... although it is not one I am immediately familiar with... your lady here is a lot more than you thought... though I doubt she knows... had she not mixed with people these people she would have never known” 

“NO... it’s not possible... she’s been scanned... I’ve SEEN them... she’s human, if she wasn’t we’d have known... right?” 

“Sargent... if I was subject to your... tests I’m sure they would show that I am no different to you or the Captain... or Stark... the... magic of Asgard cannot be tested by Midgard means” 

“But...” 

“Buck, when you were... the other guy... Savannah got so mad she knocked me, ME, on to the floor... the strength she had was... I just put it down to her being upset... but... Asgardians are stronger than humans” 

“When she was... in trouble though...” 

“Even Thor’s been knocked on his ass if he’s been taken by surprise... is she... Thor do you think she’s worthy?”

“Just because someone is of Asgard does not automatically make them worthy, however I’ve got a belly full of mead so... let us try...” 

“NOPE... no way... if she’s not... it’s not... safe” 

“Fear not Sargent... if she’s not, at least she’ll be grounded while she holds the hammer... Lady Rogers?” 

We all look up at Savannah, she’s glowing even brighter now, still smiling up at the sky “Look at the colours... it’s... it’s beautiful...” 

All I see is the night sky, inky blue with the stars and moon, which is very obviously not what she is seeing right now. 

“Lady Rogers...” finally she looks down at Thor “... hold this...” his hammer had been leaning against the barrel of mead he’d been sat on top of, he picks it up with ease and holds it upwards to Savannah 

“Why do I need to hold a hammer? I mean it’s a nice hammer...” I get ready to catch her as she falls to the ground but instead she simply continues to... float... only now holding a hammer... with ease 

“Well... this is... interesting...” Steve seems to mentally check himself to see if he’s really seeing what’s happening 

“Thor take your hammer back... Steve, I’m taking Savannah back to the penthouse...” 

“Sargent...” Thor reaches up and plucks the hammer from Savannah’s hand “... I assure you no ill will come of your lady, she will wake tomorrow as if nothing happened, the effects are only short lived... she won’t... float forever... now if you’ll excuse me I have a longboat to set alight” 

Thor walks away from us, casually spinning his hammer as he goes. 

“Steve... how do I get...” 

“Buck... stay... she’s not in any danger... and she seems... fine?” 

“Savannah...” 

“Sargent Barnes... can we go watch the longboat? Also am I standing on a slope... I seem to be super tall...” 

We kiss at midnight, her feet not on the floor. And as it was my idea to accept the invitation I’m taking this as the fact that I made the woman I love LITERALLY walk on air. 

We return to the penthouse in the early hours. Two flasks full of mead in Savannah’s backpack, and a small bottle of the wine (for testing not drinking). She’s just about back on solid ground and the glow is now more like twilight than a shining star. I put her to bed, she’s still pretty giggly, but at least she’s happy now because when she wakes up tomorrow she’ll have a lot more to deal with than a hangover. And I will be by her side the whole way.


	42. Here comes this rising tide so come on

When I wake on New Years Day I’m remarkably clear headed for someone who has little recollection of the previous evening. Even the usual aches I have in my neck are absent. I’m warm and feeling incredible blissful, similar to the aftermath of an orgasm... 

Bucky’s next to me, still deeply asleep. I scoot up to him and in the immortal words of Shakira ‘count the freckles’ on his body. Twiddle with the grey hairs in his beard that make me feel so soft. His ability to grow a full beard in a matter of days is second to none. 

“Bucky...” 

“Hhhmmm?” 

“Wake up... stop being hungover... I feel... great... although I don’t remember a lot of last night... just... colours? And kissing... wake up and give me cuddles...” I kick his shin 

“I’m awake... I’m awake...” he’s not, he rolls over, pushes me on to my side and manipulates me into being the little spoon, smacks his lips and starts snoring again moments later.

I whistle hoping that Hopper will appear from wherever his laid and jump on us, thus waking a slumbering Bucky in the process. I feel so... energetic I want to get up and do something. Only I don’t hear a tapping of paws after I whistle. Nothing. Not even a howl.

“Bucky...” 

“Shhhhh sleeping”

“Where is the puppy?” 

“Steve will have taken him out... go back to sleep... it’s early...” 

“Buck it’s like eleven am” 

“Oh GODDAMIT... ok... just...” he pulls me even closer to him and squeezes me “... do you remember last night?” 

“Colours... kissing... good wine... feeling... floaty and right now I feel amazing...” 

“Yeah about that...” 

He lets go of me turns on his back and sits up, takes a deep breath in and lays it all out. Everything that happened last night. That I’m not... human... and that I’m... worthy? I feel immediately overwhelmed and try to get up and do my usual bolt for the door but he stops me and holds me in place with his metal arm. I thought I just had a good time on some magic wine, apparently the wine isn’t magic though, I am. 

“I should call my Mom...” 

“I’ll go and...” 

“No... stay please...” my cell is easy to locate and still on full charge, which is good, this conversation might take... a while. Right now I don’t give a shit about time zones or whether or not my Mom might sleeping, this can’t wait. I dial her number and take some deep breaths whilst it rings “... Hey Mom”

“Savannah hello... I had an inkling you might call... happy new year darling, is he there? Put me on speakerphone I want to hear all about it” 

I’d not told my Mom out plans to go to Asgard, after she’d found out about Wakanda we were now working on a ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy in regards to things not... normal. So I’ve no idea why she would want to hear ‘all about it’. 

“No Janis it’s not... that... Savannah?” 

“Mom where is Dad?” 

There’s a pause longer than there should be “...Savannah are you ok?” 

“Mom... WHERE is Dad?” 

“Scattered in the ocean Savannah you know that...” 

“No Mom... WHERE IS DAD?” 

Another pause “... I... I... I don’t know...”

“And for how LONG have you not known?” 

“Since I was around seven months pregnant with you, he just... he... vanished...” 

“And the people I called my grandparents?”

“They didn’t know where he’d gone either, or if they did, they look it to their graves... how do you... know?” 

“Last night Mom, we went to... Asgard, and things... happened, to me, that shouldn’t have if I was... human” 

“Savannah...” 

“Start at the beginning please Mom... I’ll tell you when to stop...” 

She lets out an audible sigh “I met your father at a anti war protest in Central Park, in the seventies, we spent the day together... I thought he was... wonderful but I knew I’d never see him again, until one day five years later I was walking down the street and he was just... there, he’d not changed... in any way... he told me he’d always lived in Astoria, I didn’t believe him, I’d never seen him before the day in the park and I’d not seen him since... he was... different... I’d run into him at random places... usually when I was out with my girlfriends... to... well to impress me he’d do... he’d do magic tricks, I thought it was just... I don’t know a party trick he’d picked up, maybe he was a card player but some of the... magic... it just couldn’t be logically explained... it was when he introduced me to his parents I found out the truth...” 

“Asgardians?” 

“Yes... your father had been born there... but a war had broken out and fearing for the safety of their child they came here to earth... moved around a lot... Savannah you have to believe me when I tell you that I never knew you were anything other than... human, when you were born... your grandparents they... watched you so so closely to make sure you weren’t... magic like he was... but you showed no... abilities... I mean you had an amazing sense of balance and were slightly more... advanced than your peers but nothing that could’ve been considered not... human...” 

“Where is Dad?” 

“I honestly don’t know... I thought maybe when I took this trip... I’d... find him...” 

“But the aunt... the one who died?” 

“I have strong reason to believe there was no aunt, that it was your father... he could’ve easily...” 

“Mom how old is Dad?” 

“Last time I saw him? Around five hundred years old...” 

“And my grandparents?” 

“Well rather than being in their eighties when they died, it was more like their eighteen hundreds... Savannah they LOVED you, and before you ask... as far as I’m aware and they were you were the ONLY child he fathered... I’m so sorry Savannah had you never met Bucky... had you never been part of a world including people you are the descendant of... you’d have died never knowing... and no you are not older than you think, you are human in that aspect... can I ask what happened?” 

My head is spinning, I cannot form sentences so Bucky takes over “...Savannah had some fortified wine, which had a... effect on the... locals... and also on her... she... well she glowed like a star and... well kind of... floated...” 

“I see...” 

“I mean it was... beautiful but obviously... concerning... it was Thor who pointed it out and then erm... Savannah could lift his hammer?” 

“Mjölnir?” 

“Yes...” 

“Well that I truly have no idea about...” 

“Savannah said his surname was... Mason?” 

“That was the... earth version of it... on Asgard it was Magnussen... it’s also a common Norwegian surname so it was easy to say they were from Scandinavia... I don’t think they were... royalty or deities... they were citizens... but everyone there is well... magic... Savannah I’m sorry... I truly am...” she sighs again “... his true Asgardian name was Sindre Magnussen... translated to Simon Mason... I’m sorry... I am so so sorry... are you... ok?” 

“I don’t know Mom...” 

“Shall I fly back? I could be there in a few hours...” 

“No... no... it’s... alright I mean... it’s not like I’m going to go to Asgard and drink magic wine again any time soon is it?” 

“While that’s true... Savannah now you know... don’t deny that side of yourself... after your grandparents died they left... things for you... in a box at your apartment you’ll find what I mean... I think I labelled it as ‘bits and bobs’ you might find answers in there... and who knows maybe being connected to... that world you might have more luck in finding your father than I did...” 

“Why would I want to find him? I’ve managed thirty six years without him...” 

“Savannah listen to me... very carefully... your father... was faithful and loyal... passionate and headstrong...” she laughs “... not unlike your Bucky if I’m honest... if he left he did so for a good reason... he never acted... oddly, with any suspicion... he wanted to be... normal... human, the only time he showed his Asgardian side was... well to show off... for amusement... he really did want to open a vegetarian restaurant, he was an amazing chef... I still check restaurants in every city... just in case...” 

Hopper’s nose pokes through the crack in the bedroom door and wiggles until he’s pushed it all the way open, Steve directly behind him. 

“Sorry guys couldn’t keep him out any longer... is everything... alright?” 

“On the phone with Janis...” 

‘AHHH ok, I’ll be... yeah... not here” 

He closes the door and Hopper jumps up on the bed with us. 

“Mom I’m gonna... go” 

“Please don’t be angry with me Savannah... even if I had told you, what would’ve been the point? You couldn’t have gone to Asgard... not without... Bucky” 

“I’m not... angry Mom... I don’t know how I feel to be honest... just... why did you tell me he’d died?”

“It was... it was his parents idea... when he didn’t come back... and I waited Savannah you have to know that... I thought maybe he’d come back after you were born but he didn’t... then when it was getting to you becoming... aware of the missing father figure in your life your grandparents decided it would be easier on you to think he’d died... my parents agreed with the idea... I mean how do you tell a little girl that Daddy just vanished and I don’t know why, what if you’d grown up blaming yourself for it? ...you were four the first time you asked me ‘Mommy, where is Daddy?’ And I was ready with the answer if he’d have reappeared at some point in your life we’d have dealt with it... you know... I don’t know how his... magic truly worked but as a baby you’d... become bewitched by... something... always staring into space but I don’t know... I always wondered if you could see him and I couldn’t...”

“I... I need some time Mom... this is... a lot” 

“I know darling I know... Bucky, you take care of her...” 

“I will” 

The line disconnects. Bucky’s got his arm slung round my shoulder, Hopper is sticking his wet nose on to my hands where they’re in my lap. 

“Well...” 

“Savannah...” 

“I’m Asgardian Happy New Year?” 

“Are you ok?”

“I’m so... so sorry” 

“What the hell are you sorry for?” 

“You wanted a NORMAL life, with a NORMAL... person... and you’ve ended up with a... halfbreed” 

“Savannah look at me...” He hooks his fingers under my chin and turns my face towards his “... I’m almost a hundred years old, with a METAL arm, my best friend is Captain Fuckass, as hard as I try I’ll never be NORMAL... you’re Asgardian? So what... you looked... beautiful, you literally shon like a star... think about it... it would explain your ability to knock Steve on his ass... your ability to wield a bow staff and spear like it’s a paintbrush... I say we... I mean you find out more... about this... Thor was... intrigued... I’m sure he’d be more than happy to answer questions for you...” 

“I wouldn’t know where to start” 

“Perhaps with the box?” 

“Yeah... the box... as if it’s been there the whole time and I didn’t even know...”

“Why would you? You wouldn’t go through your Mom’s stuff just as she wouldn’t go through yours” 

“Why did she think I’d be calling her today? I mean I usually just text her happy new year...” 

“No idea...” he over exaggerates a shoulder shrug meaning he probably knows why but isn’t saying. I’m not going to push the matter. I’ve got bigger things to worry about “... are you hungry?”

My stomach rumbles, loudly “Famished” 

“And what would the Asgardian Princess like for her first breakfast on not only the first day of the new year but the first day of her new... life?” 

“For nothing to change... and a sausage and egg McMuffin... I’ll Uber Eats...” 

“Hash browns... so many hash browns... and the largest coffee possible... you may have woken up feeling great, I on the other hand do not... although I did slow down on the mead once I realised you were literally... floating” 

“Uh huh...” I’m flicking through the Uber Eats app basically selecting oh so many things, if I order too much there’s also Steve and Hopper the walking trash cans who’ll eat any left overs.

“I need to pee... do not... I repeat do not leave until I’m back please... I’m far too hungover to get in a jet and chase you back to Brooklyn and I don’t know if there’s legalities about drink flying but if there is Steve is a hundred percent over the legal limit right now...” He almost rolls off the bed, which makes me laugh and distracts me from the events of this morning. I hear him whistling and groaning to himself in the bathroom, which brings more laughter. Sometimes his age really shows “... I literally FEEL almost a hundred” 

“You look it...” he’s padding back over the bed, I’m guessing that he was too drunk and or dealing with me to put pyjamas on and just stripped down to his boxers, did he put me in my pjs? 

“You know what Rogers...”

“Did you at least bring some mead back?” 

“Please don’t say mead but yes... and some... of the wine... for... testing...” 

“Don’t let them experiment on me” 

“Why would they?” He’s laid back down, stretched out on his back, Hopper on his chest 

“Because... Tony...” 

“Tony Stark will not touch a hair on your head... I swear...” 

I lay back down beside him, I still feel physically great, even if I’m a little emotionally frayed around the edges “You won’t... stop loving me?” 

“Never... and hey you said no churches... didn’t see a single one in Asgard...” 

“Yeah let’s deal with... this before we start dealing with... that... plus Jed first...” 

“Oh shit yeah... and my jizz in a cup... one part of me thinks it’s gotten lost, the other more suspicious part of me thinks maybe they’re making clones of me... again” 

“Who’s ‘they’?” 

“I don’t even know...” 

“These things take a while, and it’s been Christmas... I’m sure your jizz is safe”

“Are you gonna... tell people?” 

“About my Dad... no... not unless any weirdness happens that I cannot come up with a logical explanation for...” 

“Where is the food Savannah I’m hungry... I might die... I mean I am old...” 

“It’s not been five minutes yet... you’re so dramatic”

“Ugh...”

———

Thankfully once he’s got a stomach full of carbs and coffee Bucky livens up. He livens up enough for us to ship off back to Brooklyn. When we see Steve as we’re leaving I know he wants to ask me what’s going on but doesn’t. And I’m not going to tell. I don’t know if there’s even anything to tell. It could all be a coincidence, perhaps my regular medications mixed with the wine and produced the same effect? 

Bucky drives. I don’t want to get stopped and arrested for being under the influence of space weed. If I still am that is... 

We’re also in our pyjamas so we can continue to slob around when we get back to my apartment. I hope Bucky stays with me tonight, even if I can’t sleep because my head is spinning and over thinking all this new information at least there’ll be a snoring drooling person next to me so I won’t be alone. 

Hopper howls until we let down the window enough for him to hang his head out the window as we drive along the parkway. I have to keep a strong grip on him or he’d be out the window altogether, he’s too little right now, he won’t be soon. He’s gotten so big already. 

Alley Cat is waiting for us at the top of the stairs, she meows at us as if we’re naughty teenagers sneaking in from a party then vanishes again. 

I don’t wait before I try and locate the box. I sling my purse down and get straight to it. Bucky tries to help but is more of a hindrance so goes upstairs to fetch yet more coffee and see if Hopper will settle in his cage so he’s not sticking his nose in everything as I look. 

By the time he’s coming back down the stairs clutching the biggest mug I own (it was a gag gift and is actually shaped like a bucket) I’ve found the box I was looking for. I know immediately it’s the right box the second I lift the lid off as there’s a portrait of my Grandparents and my Dad that looks like it could’ve been take anywhere from the invention of film photography until the nineteen seventies. I’m guessing the clothes are traditional Asgard dress, which never seems to adhere to... changes in ‘fashion’. 

“So... that’s them huh?” He’s peering over my shoulder looking into the box 

“Yup... Dad, my Grandparents, Bjørn and Astrid, I assume they never changed their Asgardian names but my Dad did...” 

“You look... wow... you look SO MUCH like your Grandma... I mean you and Janis... nothing alike... I mean you’re what just under six foot? And she’s barely five two on a good day... plus your... ahem... natural hair colour matches your Dad’s” 

“James Buchanan Barnes how dare you... I was born with blue hair, I’ve no idea what you’re talking about...” 

“Uh huh... when do you think that photo was taken?”

“Who knows? Could be eighteen eighty could be nineteen eighty...” 

“You don’t have to look under the photo if you don’t want to... we can put this box somewhere it’ll never be found again... it’s totally up to you and I will love you either way...” 

“I’ve come this far...” I take a deep breath in and lift the photo out of the box, underneath are ornaments and trinkets I remember being in their house when I was a kid, but there’s... something underneath what is that? I move the objects on top of it to one side and lift it out, it’s a red book, a journal? and underneath that is a another book, thick, with a cover so faded, it’s made out of... beige fabric, it’s barely being held together by the ancient bindings that are fraying everywhere. I feel like I should be wearing dust gloves to touch it. I make sure my hands aren’t sticky or greasy by rubbing them on my pjs before I lift it out “... mind your coffee Buck I think this might disintegrate if it gets wet” 

He takes a step back, places his coffee at a safe distance then sits next to me on the floor “... I don’t even want to think about how old these are...” 

“Well...” I open the journal first, it’s in a language I don’t recognise but the journal itself is... modern, it can’t be that much older than me “... I think we might need some help...” 

“Is that not Norwegian?” 

“No... I’d recognise Norwegian... my Grandparents had things in their home with Norse text on them... this is... something else...” I close the journal and place it carefully to one side then pick up the next book, the front cover nearly falls off as I open it inside the cover is what looks like a family tree, I recognise my Grandparents names, my Dad’s name, and mine but I can’t work out who anyone else is as it’s written in the same text as the journal “...well Mom this has been SUPER helpful...” 

“Maybe if you were... if you’d had some... wine... it would look different” 

“I don’t think so... what do I do?” 

“We could go back to Asgard?” 

“But flying... plus you can’t fly which means someone would have to fly us there...” 

“Good point... well you could have some wine before we took off?” 

“That might make it worse...” 

“How about we take photos of the pages and send them to Thor? They’re a ‘ancient’ civilisation but they do have modern technology now Asgard is technically on Earth... I bet they have someone who’s in charge of texts and so on...” 

“You’re really smart sometimes” 

“Only sometimes?” 

“You followed Steve into ‘the jaws of death’ your words not mine” 

“That doesn’t count” 

“I see...” 

We’re in our usual cross legged opposite each other position. The books on the floor between us. I lean over CAREFULLY and kiss him. 

“What was that for?” 

“Because many men would’ve scattered at finding out their... person wasn’t entirely human” 

“I’ve always known you were special... now you’re... extra special” I kiss him again “... again...” 

He leans forward so I can kiss him, again “... ok?...” 

“Are you? Are you gonna spin out about this? When are you next due to see Hewie? Because I mean I think this is fabulous but it’s admittedly a lot to deal with finding out you’re not who you thought you were...” 

“This week... it’s in the store diary so I don’t forget... and I’ll try not to spin out... promise”

“If you do I’ll be right here... well not HERE on the floor but...” 

“Will you stay tonight? I know... I said you need to be independent but...” 

“Hey of course I will, I’m not leaving you on your own after finding out something like this... plus my apartment is a mess...” 

“As usual...” 

“I was... doing things...” 

“Uh huh...” 

“I was... trying to sort my new tools and I took them upstairs as it’s comfier to sit down up there... and... it got out of hand” 

“You need a desk... and a proper computer...” 

His face lights up “IKEA?” 

“I was thinking more... industrial... but you could get a chair from IKEA... you do realise you can’t get a computer from there right?” 

“I’m in my nineties not... dumb” 

“Just checking...” 

“Yes well how about I check... out your ass as you walk up the stairs... for a very...” he leans back into me “... sexy...” a kiss to my lips “...passionate...” another kiss “... earth shattering...” we’re millimetres apart, the tips of our noses are almost touching “... nap on the couch? I think my hangover is kicking back in...”


	43. it’s just past eight and I’m feeling young and reckless

I am a human disaster, well alright not all the time but I am a human disaster when I’m tired. And the reason I’m so tired on the first day back after New Years is Bucky. 

I was in the shower because I have to be at work tomorrow and not a hungover sloth on the couch eating junk food snuggling with the puppy. I’d literally just turned the shower off and was wrapping myself in a towel when he comes slamming into the bathroom. 

“I’ve invented a sex move...” 

“Bucky... no offence but...” 

“It’s called zero gravity head...” 

Before I can object any further he’s dropped to his knees in front of me pulling off my towel as he goes. He grabs my ankles and pulls them, I think I’m going to fall and crack my head open on the tub but he holds me tight hooks my ankles so they’re over his shoulders and stands back up. It’s a shoulder lift but instead of my crotch meeting the back of his head it’s now meeting his face. 

My back is slammed into the bathroom wall. He’s got his hands under my butt and he just well... goes to town. 

A couple of thoughts enter my brain... firstly, he was literally so asleep when I got IN the shower that I thought he was in stasis again, he didn’t move when I got up and came in here. Secondly, you didn’t ‘invent’ this move, it’s a porn move, I’ve seen enough porn to know that, so... 

Once the fear of falling leaves me, that’s it my brain turns totally incoherent. All I can do is try and hold on. 

He knows EXACTLY what he’s doing, and he knows if I tug his hair that means ‘YES THAT DO THAT MORE’. I’ve gone from I’m so ready for bed to holy fuck I am about to cum on my boyfriends face in under five minutes. 

When I do cum I try and wriggle away from him but I’m stuck in his grip and he just keeps going, the second orgasm I have... well I kind of understand why he’s named it zero gravity head. I feel like I float off his shoulders. The first orgasm was kind of like... nice... but the second one, my thighs literally shake and being able to feel his head between them is the only thing reminding me that I am still on earth. 

As he finally lets me down my left leg has gone to sleep, probably from resting on metal as opposed to flesh and I topple sideways. He catches me and stands me up. Puts the smallest of kisses to my lips and walks away. I try and stop him, pull him out of his clothes but he’s gone. 

“What the fuck Barnes?” I’ve not even bothered to wrap a towel around myself again I’ve just padded into the living room naked on shaky legs where he’s sitting on the couch as if nothing happened “... don’t think that I don’t know that’s a porn move... show me” 

“Show you what?” 

“The porn...” 

Hopper’s already fast asleep in his cage with a blanket over the top of it so I know that Bucky’s got more sexual deviancy on his mind. 

He turns to look at me, noticed I’m naked and cocks an eyebrow “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours...” 

This is what leads to us fucking on the couch. He’s got porn ON HIS CELL this is tremendously modern for him. He shows me what he’s been watching, it’s nothing... extreme. In fact it’s pretty sedate as far as porn goes, it’s the stuff aimed at women, so no over the top squealing, no... choking on dicks. Then I show him what I like, which is mostly amateur stuff, because the bodies are... real not plastic. 

We discuss filming ourselves which gets me way over excited, before either of us can press record on anything I’m riding his dick. He’s gripping my neck with his metal hand and every time I’m on the verge of cumming he stops, we take a breath and start again, I’m so over worked by the time we do cum that something... happens. 

I didn’t even notice at the time. We’re nose to nose, trying to catch our breath. 

“Are you... ok?” 

“Yes... why?” 

“Feels... I mean it felt... different... and I’m kind of... sitting in a puddle right now...” 

“Oh... oh... well you’ve only yourself to blame, good job the couch is wipe clean...” 

I clamber off and pull him up too, he’s quite right there is a significant wet patch “What the hell?” 

“You’ve never watched porn with the... squirting?” 

“No...” 

“Go get in bed and I’ll clean up and join you... you have a lot to learn young padawan” 

It was gone three when my poor vagina waved a white flag and said ‘if you don’t stop I’m gonna give you a UTI and you won’t be able to sit down for a week’ hence why it’s now nine am and I’m in my store (Bucky’s upstairs snoring) trying to get set up for the day without falling asleep. 

I put my gloves on and set about wiping everything down. I don’t have bookings, only open for walk ins, just because if no one shows at least I can go do... nothing. 

First I think ‘huh my hands are kinda itchy’ so I scratch them (gloves still on), then my arms itch so I scratch them (gloves still on), then gradually I start to itch all over. It’s probably dust. I give myself a good all over scratch (gloves still on) and keep going with the task at hand. 

I feel a bit breathless, but I was smoking like a chimney on New Year’s Eve, plus I was outside all night, probably coming down with a cold. 

I hear the store doorbell chime

“Sav?” 

“Hey Jed... happy new year... did you have a good night? I’m just doing a wipe down and...” I turn to face him and am met with a look of horror “... you... good?” 

“ARE YOU?” 

“Oh man SO tired... and... can you see if my asthma inhaler is in the drawer out front... my chest feels... tight” 

“Savannah sit down...” 

“Busy... if you’ve got something to tell me do it while I clean please” He forcibly grabs my shoulders and sits me down on my tattoo bench “WHAT THE HELL MAN?” 

He pulls my gloves from my hands which for some reason hurts like hell, as if my skin is coming off with them. 

“Where is your epi pen?” 

I take what feels like an incredibly difficult breath in “Upstairs”

“Bucky too?” 

I nod, my neck feels... weird “Stay right there... DO NOT MOVE OK? I’ll be as quick as I can” 

He literally sprints from the store, I hear his footsteps hurtling up the stairs to my apartment. I look at my hands and they’re covered in what looks like burns, red, bright red blotches, some blistering. I’m distracted from my examination by the sound of loud voices coming from above. Then the sound of slamming doors followed by more heavy footsteps rushing back down the stairs. The store bell rings and Bucky’s in my studio (thankfully in his pyjamas) looking at me with as much horror as Jed did. 

“Shit... shit... SHIT FUCK...” I try to open my mouth but my lips and tongue are too big for my face “... don’t talk Savannah... Jed... give me the pen...” I’d shown him how to use one, just in case “... and call an ambulance... DO NOT OBJECT SAVANNAH...” he’s got the pen in his hand and Jed’s got his cell to his face “... Orange to the thigh... blue to the sky... right?” I nod and he hits my right thigh with the pen with incredible force 

“Hi... my friend is having an allergic reaction... Kirby Dots tattoo studio, Brooklyn... yup it’s a latex allergy... her boyfriend just administered her epi pen...” 

Everything is starting to get a little fuzzy around the edges. I look to Bucky who’s pulling his best ‘I gotta look calm but on the inside I’m freaking out face’ then everything fades to black. 

I come round again and I’m laid on a stretcher in the back of an ambulance. Mask on my face. Everything is still fuzzy, there’s two shapes near me, both navy blue. I hope one of them is Bucky. 

“Unit 217 this is dispatch over... the patient you’re carrying is to be taken to Stark Tower... a team will be waiting to meet her there... over” 

“Dispatch did you say Stark Tower? ... over” 

“Yes... Stark Tower... over” 

“She’s just... a...” 

“Just a what?” Oh Bucky IS here “... you wanna finish that sentence? Just because she’s... human does not mean she’s not worthy of the treatment facilities at the tower... so please HURRY... Savannah... just hold tight...” 

I try and move the mask from my face but one of the shapes puts it back in place “Savannah? I’m going to give you a large dose of antihistamine... it might make you sleepy... Sir...” 

“Bucky...” 

“Bucky do you have any idea how this happened?” 

“No... she’s so careful...” 

I feel a cold sensation running up my left arm then the blackness starts creeping back in. 

I’m aware of voices surrounding me. Familiar reassuring voices. I want to open my mouth to talk but my tongue and lips still feel too big. 

“Whaaaaa...” oh I’ve got a goddam mask on... again, I go to move it but someone gets there before I do and lifts it away from my face. Blinking my eyes open I see Bucky, Steve, Helen and... Tony? 

“Welcome back kiddo... you really are... well kind of a disaster...” 

Bucky and Steve GLARE at him.

“Happened?” 

“Allergic reaction... Savannah... no harm done... you’ll be swollen for a couple of days but other than that...” 

“Gloves?” 

“Yeah... Jed checked the box... the suppliers had sent the wrong ones... you didn’t check” 

“Was tired...” 

“Uh huh... well... if you want to use my legal team as I’m sure you let your suppliers know of your allergy I’m sure we could give them a good scare... any way... I’m Tony Stark I’ve got things to do that aren’t... this... so...” he sweeps from the room, cell in his hand 

“I’ll be in the Penthouse... Savannah take it easy yeah?” Steve pats Bucky’s shoulder and follows Tony from the room 

“I want you to stay in bed for a couple of hours Savannah... please... just so I can observe you... that reaction was... extreme...” 

“I didn’t realise... just thought I was... itchy...” 

“It’s easily done... I’m on call if you need me...” 

“Helen while you’re here... do you have erm... my... sample results?” 

“I do... did you want them... now?” 

“I mean it’s as good a time as any...” he looks to me and I nod, seeing as we’re here and nothing is... life threatening 

“Then... well... you were right in thinking that you were... erm... sterilised... I’m so sorry... I found out a few days ago but didn’t want to ruin your plans... by giving you bad news... there are... options... a reversal of the procedure but without knowing WHEN it was performed it would be unlikely to be successful... again... I’m sorry... I can put you in touch with... adoption agencies...” 

“That won’t be necessary Helen... thank you... it wasn’t... a baby thing...” 

“Ahh well all the same I will pass the results on to Reagan so she’s in the loop should you need to talk about it... I’ll be in my office, buzz if you need me and Savannah that pitcher of water there... drink it... you were already dehydrated no doubt before the meds you’ve had which will have dehydrated you further...” 

“Yes Doc” 

“Good” 

She closes the door behind her. Bucky pulls up the chair next to my bed and sits down. 

“Sorry about your jizz” 

“Yeah... let’s not worry about it... let’s worry about you... you kind of look like you lost a fight with a vicious patch of Poison Ivy and well... I don’t think you should ever get lip fillers...” 

“Not a good look?” 

“NOT a good look at all...” he pulls my hand towards his face and despite it being red and rash covered he kisses it anyway 

“You realise this is your fault right?” 

“Explain...” 

“You and your ‘zero gravity head’ that started a chain reaction of... porn... and female ejaculation... I think I slept three hours before I had to get up...” 

“Worth it?” 

“Honestly? Kind of... yeah... WAIT... Hopper...” 

“With Jed... probably being fed muffins from The Bean...” 

“Let’s hope this isn’t a sign of what this year will bring me” 

“Nah I doubt it... but seeing as you nearly died, again, Savannah Daisy Rogers will you do me the honour of... drinking some of that goddam water so we can go home?” 

I roll my eyes at him and pour myself a glass of water downing it in one “Home? You mean MY home?” 

“Brooklyn, your home, my home, it’s all the same... I kind of need to know... how you found out about this allergy... did you... did you fuck someone and THIS... happened to your... vagina?” 

“No... thank god... it happened when I was a teenager trying to dress like the nurse on the front of the Blink album... I got a latex dress and... yeah... I mean I’d had little reactions to it before but nothing like epi pen almost dying... it’s gotten worse as I got older...” there’s a knock at the door

“Hello you two...” Pepper is standing in the now open doorway “...I have something for you Savannah... it can wait though... you look... no offence but... bad” 

“Yeah you don’t have to tell me... what have you got?” 

“Well...” she enters the room and makes her way to the bed and places a piece of paper on the table next to my water “... Thor is not the best... at communicating... unless he’s playing online video games... ANYWAY... this may be of some use to you, it’s the email address for the Asgardian record keeper, they should be able to help you with... who you really are...” 

“Thank you Pepper... truly... and thank Tony for letting me use his medical wing... AGAIN” 

“All this equipment sitting around? And people need it? You’re welcome” she starts back towards the door “... take it easy...”

“Why did I come here Buck? Why not just a ER in Brooklyn?” 

“Oh you know Stark and his desire to spy on everyone he knows... your name flagged up on his monitoring device and personally insisted you were brought here... the ambulance guys were... well I think they thought you were some kind of secret superhero” 

“Maybe I am... hand me your phone” 

“NOPE... no Asgardian... adventures until your skin looks... normal again” 

“I’m covered in tattoos... normal is something it is not...” 

“Drink your water” 

“Yes boss”


	44. I could be an accident but I’m still trying

We had a fight. 

All couples do. It’s part of being in an adult relationship. 

I checked myself out of the hospital wing as I had bookings I needed to be present for, and the swelling was... well it wasn’t gone but I could hold a tattoo gun without any problems. Bucky didn’t like it, went into over protective mode. I told him I couldn’t keep flaking on clients, he said I needed to learn to put myself first especially my mental and physical health and then I went and fucked it all up, I don’t know he’d just gotten my back up, and I’m still not used to having another person be concerned for my well being. 

I told him at least I had a business that I needed to turn up to as opposed to a run down building full of tools just sitting there while he bounced a ball around. 

The second it left my lips I knew I’d done wrong. His face... fell. I apologised immediately and profusely but the damage was done. We shared a tense Uber ride back to Brooklyn. He collected some belongings from my apartment and left. He didn’t even kiss me goodbye.

Jed brought Hopper round and said he’d seen Bucky going into his shop, he’d told him to bring Hopper here and that was it. I owned up to what I said and Jed pulled a face, patted me on the shoulder and left. 

I thought Bucky would pout for a while and then come back. Only he didn’t.

I thought I’d wake up to him clambering into bed with me. Only he didn’t. 

I thought he’d bound up the stairs with breakfast. Only he didn’t. 

I thought he’d come bug me at work. Only he didn’t. 

I thought he’d come see Hopper. Only he didn’t. 

I knew there wasn’t an emergency because if there was I was still his next of kin. 

I’m stubborn, apparently I get it from my Dad. The search for whom has been put on hold while I sulk over the Bucky incident. This stubbornness has prevented me from making first contact. He knows where I am. And that I said sorry. 

But by the forth day my heart was truly hurting. Aching. I missed him terribly. I admitted to myself that I am beyond the point of no return in this relationship. It can’t be wiped away with a trip to the cupboard of heartbreak. If it’s over, if I’ve ended it by being a bitchy dumbass I’ll never forgive myself. 

I text him. He left me on read. 

After the sixth hour of being left on read I’d gone from heart hurting to head strong furious. I’d said I was sorry. You don’t tell someone you have an engagement ring then a few days later leave them on read. 

I’d packed up at work. Smoked a few tabs. Probably gotten myself more worked up than I should’ve. I put Hopper in his cage because if his humans were going to have shouting match he didn’t need to see that. 

I definitely didn’t walk round there, it was more a... stomp. 

The lights were on, so he was there. 

I pulled the door open, opening my mouth to give him a piece of my mind at the same time. 

Except what I saw stopped me from uttering a word. 

Before me was an actual workshop, tools hung and organised, no cardboard, no sheets of plastic wrapping, his bike was in the middle, looking like he’d been working on it. 

“Bucky?” 

I hadn’t been able to see him, but when he called my name I realised he was sat behind a brand new iMac on a heavy duty desk towards the back of the shop. Around him was... well that was where the chaos was... coffee cups, take out coffee cups, so many, and from every chain you could imagine. 

“Did you know you can get coffee on Uber Eats? Like they bring you coffee... they brought me coffee... Brian brought me some... but then I thought why not get what I like, right? So I got Dunkin and then Starbucks... THEN I thought I’d try some of that bull stuff, and there’s a place in Brooklyn who’ll bring you HUGE cups of it, with FLAVOURS and I’ve been trying to do this... thing... which came so quick after I ordered it... but it’s a bit beyond me and I didn’t want to bug you so I called Peter right? And he’s been helping me... I could see him... on the screen... and he said...” 

As Bucky was talking I’d been slowly edging my way towards him, I could see more than the top of his head now, his hair was sticking up at crazy angles, even for him, his beard was shaggy and unkempt, the bags under his eyes were deep purple. 

“... I forget what he said but I’ve just about got it working, anyway I know you’re sorry but you were right, I needed to make a start so that’s what I did... I came in and got to work... I mean no time like the present huh? Oh your face looks better, the swelling has gone huh? Where’s the puppy? Oh you text me... I was gonna reply but...” 

“Bucky... how long do you think you’ve been... here?” 

“A day? Maybe...” 

“Uh huh... and erm when did you last sleep?” 

“When you were in the medical wing, you know that? I almost pushed you off the bed...” 

“Bucky that was four days ago” 

“Nah... don’t be ridiculous...” 

“Look at your phone, what does the date say?” 

I can see how much he’s shaking as he reaches for it and flips it over, there’s a pic of me and the animals as his Lock Screen “Son of a bitch... January sixth? WHY DIDN’T YOU COME SOONER?” 

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE STILL MAD WITH ME”

“YOU’RE SO FUCKING STUBBORN SAVANNAH” 

“AND YOU’VE HAD SO MUCH CAFFEINE YOU DIDN’T REALISE FOUR FUCKING DAYS HAD PASSED” 

He rubs his hands over his face and puffs out bus cheeks as he sighs “We both fucked up?” 

“We both fucked up” 

“Why am I shaking so much?” 

“Because you’ve consumed a months worth of caffeine in four days? And probably not eaten... come on soldier... let’s get you home...” 

“I thought it was ‘your’ home?” 

“Yeah... think it’s about time I admitted it’s ‘our’ home whether you officially live there or not... you can sleep here when you piss me off” 

“Because you never piss me off?” 

“Point taken... come on Barnes” I offer out my hand to him and try my best to haul him up but he’s too dam heavy, thankfully he works with me and gets to his feet, swaying slightly, who knows how long he’s been sitting down for “... you’ve not taken your meds either have you?” 

“No... I guess I wondered why my cell battery kept needing charging so much in one day...”

“Maybe you should’ve taken the cardboard off the windows down here so you could tell the sun was rising and setting” 

“It used to happen in the war you know...” he’s wrapped his arms round my waist and once again my heart feels whole “... you could go days with no sense of time... then when I was...” I pull him a little tighter towards me “... they’d pump me full of drugs to keep me awake on a mission... staying up for days and not knowing is... it’s not a new experience...” 

“Come on Barnes... food... and water... so much water...” 

He releases me from his hold and dashes around, so hyped up he’s almost like a hummingbird, lights are turned off, and I’m pushed out the door while he locks it behind him. He’s quick on his feet as we make our way home. At one point he speeds ahead, and I just can’t keep up, thankfully he realises I’m not beside him and doubles back. 

Hopper is bouncing in his cage at the sound of his masters footsteps but before he lets him out I need to get medication and water into Bucky, and fast. His meds are still in the kitchen by the sink, he has several ‘sets’... it’s just... easier. I pick out his night time ones and hand them to him along with a bottle of water from the refrigerator. He drains it quickly so I pull another one out for him. 

“More?” 

“Yup... gotta flush the caffeine out... drink...” He drains it, crushes the bottle with his metal hand and tosses the bottle in the recycling. He unclips the lock to Hopper’s cage and he’s out before the door has fully opened, with Bucky being shaky he’s knocked on to his ass while Hopper leaps all over him “Ok... you need... food...” the refrigerator is in its usual bare state, I’d been running on takeout while I sulked, all the Christmas food is gone “... cheese and ham omelette?” 

“You’re cooking?” 

“Yes...” 

“I can Uber Eats...” 

“I’m banning you from that app for at least a month” 

He raises an eyebrow and then goes back to fussing Hopper while I try and cook something edible enough to soak up a months worth of anxiety inducing, palpitation causing caffeine for my husband to be. Husband. With everything that happened since our Christmas Day conversation I’d not given it another thought. Now that word was at the forefront of my mind... husband. It’s time to admit that there is no easy undo now. We are as one. For whatever bizarre turn of fate we are... meant to be. 

“That actually smells... edible” he picks a cube of ham of the chopping board and tosses it to Hopper who catches it midair. 

“I can cook... I just choose not to...” 

“Desecrating a ready meal or pouring boiling water on dried noodles does not constitute as cooking, I did more cooking on a calor gas stove in the middle of a war zone” 

“Do you want this on a plate or hurled at your head?” 

“Plate... please...” 

“SIT” 

“Yes ma’am” 

He sits at the table and I put the plate down in front of him along with a knife and fork. I sit opposite him “Can I remind you that you burnt a pan of hotdogs?” 

“I was distracted” 

“Uh huh” 

“You know how I feel about THOSE jeans... and YOU bent over” 

“I dropped my lip balm” 

“Of course you did” 

“Eat...” I eye him as he eats, he seems... calmer... the shaking and twitching has stopped, but he’s either going to eat and pace around until he passes out or crash really quickly, I’m hoping for the latter “... do you want another?” 

“Yes please...” 

Hopper is at my feet as I pour another mixture into the pan “... you know I suppose I could... practise cooking... more... seeing as there’s... not just me now” 

“Are you finally admitting we are... a... unit?” 

“You know it is the twenty first century perhaps YOU could practise too?”

“Do I live... here?” 

“Do you want to?” 

“Yes” 

“Even though we’re not officially married?” 

“But we will be?” 

“I’ll make room in the closet... but...” 

“I still need to be independent?” 

“Yes” 

“But tell you where I am?” 

“Not so much where you are more if you’re coming home or not that night... relationships take... navigation...” I put the new plate down in front of him “...even when both partners are...” 

“Not half Asgardian or a semi stable hundred year old man?” 

“Exactly...” 

“So we are...” 

“Engaged to be engaged?” 

“Sounds...” his fork his half way between his mouth and plate, his body is swaying slightly as if caught on a breeze “... good... tired” 

“Yup... thought you’d crash sooner rather than later... do you think you can finish your omelette?” 

“Sure...” when it comes out as a slur I realise that’s a no 

“Come on Sargent... fork down on your feet...” 

He stumbles as he stands and lurches forwards, I manage to steady him but it’s a struggle to navigate him to the bedroom and down on to the bed, especially as Alpine is stretched out on there. Luckily she looks at Bucky and hops off the bed as he flops forwards on to it. I free him from as many of his clothes as I can, boots, jacket, jeans, the rest will have to stay on. He’s on top of the comforter so I pull a blanket from the chair and toss it over him. 

“Thank you...” 

“I’m surprised Steve didn’t send out a search party...” 

“A week...” his face is mushed into ‘his’ pillow 

“A week?” 

“I said... told fuckass I needed some... independence... he said if I went longer than a week without at least... at least text message he’d come... find me...” 

I lay down next to him after stripping off my own jeans, I run my finger tips over his bushy beard and he makes a happy sound. Hopper startles me as he jumps on to the bed, wiggling his way between me and Bucky, pushing his nose into Bucky’s armpit. 

“Twelve hours... we check in... twelve hours... I’ll set an reminder on your phone” 

He doesn’t verbally reply but I know he heard me. He’s smacking his lips, making his ‘sleep’ sounds moments later. 

I lay on my back in the dark. Staring at the ceiling. Next to my room mate, my other half, my husband to be. My Bucky. 

Whatever happens now, we’re in this together. Forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we’re baaaaaaack, thank you for all your kind words, I’m feeling slightly more human now


	45. Clear your throat and face the world

Bucky’s POV

It’s three in the morning. 

I checked my cell twice to make sure. 

Not wanting to disturb my bed mate with being restless I slipped from under the comforter and into the living room. Where I’m now sat staring into space with a puppy next to me. 

Since my... caffeine incident my sleep schedule has been somewhat erratic, nothing unusual for me. I was out for twelve hours when I first crashed, since then I’m not struggling to fall asleep, I’m struggling to stay asleep. I have meds but they make my brain more foggy than it already is. 

I live here now, although official ownership will not be discussed until we share the same surname with a legal document to support it. I do pay... bills. She gave me a monthly figure that she totted up as my share, a share I’m fairly sure is way less than it should be but I’m not going to push her. This is a situation she needs to feel in control of. 

It’s nicer here than the tower, there’s no overprotective friend with a revolving bedroom door. 

It’s nicer here than my studio apartment at the shop, there’s no owls and it’s warmer. 

It’s nicer here because it’s her home, now our home. The metaphorical home she offered me is now physical. 

I brought my... things... of which there truly isn’t a lot, clothes, journals and the subject of this evenings... contention, my weapons. 

Knives mainly. She told me it was like the scene in Dark Knight where the police empty the Joker’s suit pockets and they’re full of knives. These weren’t the problem, my gun however, was. 

“I have a permit” I handed her the piece of paper that was folded in the case 

“This is a piece of paper that says ‘gun permit’ with Tony Stark’s signature at the bottom” 

“It’s on Avengers paper” 

“I can see that...” she hands me it back “... do you really feel you need... a gun?”

“It’s only a little... gun” 

“That’s not the point” 

“It’s a handgun, not a rifle, not a machine gun, not a rocket launcher or a semi automatic whatever, just a handgun...” 

“It’s still a GUN” she sighed and rubbed her forehead “... does it make you feel... safer?” 

“Yes” 

“Ok...” 

“Ok?” 

“You’re always going to be a soldier, you’re always going to feel... unsafe from... things so... gun can stay BUT don’t walk around with it, you don’t need it strapped to you in Brooklyn... it can live... somewhere you’re comfortable with that you can easily get to it... sound fair?” 

“Very... perhaps you should learn...” 

“Nope...” 

“You can’t defend yourself with a plastic lightsaber” 

“Bucky...” she reached her hand out to hold mine, rubbing her thumb across my knuckles, she does it to comfort me “... I don’t need a weapon... I put Steve on his ass... half Asgardian remember? And even before I knew that I never felt the need to arm myself, I’m hardly a dainty female... a wilting flower... huh?” 

“Point taken...” 

My gun is now in my bedside table, top drawer with my meds and latest journal. I filled two journals in December, should anything happen to my brain I want to know what I did, how I felt, to see the photos (even though they’re on my cell). There’s four pages alone about ‘Fort Christmas’ which is now sadly dismantled though I hope it’ll make a come back. ‘Fort Easter’ perhaps? 

Savannah has a routine when it comes to work. I need one too. 

I need to advertise. 

But to advertise the shop needs a name. 

I need to stop procrastinating. 

It should really be named after me, it’s mine and it’ll help solidify my identity as James Barnes again not... the other guy. 

But James Barnes was a president, I don’t want people to associate bikes and presidents. It’d be like calling a coffee shop JFK Coffee. 

I don’t want to use my nickname. Bucky... that name belongs to me, to people who I call ‘friend’ to use.

It needs to be simple but impactful. 

I’m up off the couch as soon as I realise what it is. I stand in the bedroom doorway and flick the lights on. 

“Savannah...

“Mmmmm?” 

“I’ve got it” 

“Whaaaaaat?” She’s not even opened her eyes, just buried herself further under her burrito blanket to shield her eyes from the onslaught of light, and sound probably 

“The name for my shop” 

She stirs slightly, pulling the blanket away from her face and opens her eyes, squinting at me while they adjust “It’s the middle of the night... why are you even awake?” Her slight grumpiness then turns to concern I can see it on her face “... is everything alright? Are you...” 

“I’m fine Doll... I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep so I got up for a while... anyway... I’ve decided what to call my shop” 

“That’s great Buck” after Hopper jumps up on to the bed she pulls herself up into a sitting position and now I feel truly guilty about waking her up, it could’ve waited till morning “Well?” 

“Well what?” 

“Are you gonna tell me?” 

“Sorry I shouldn’t have woken you up” 

“We both know your brain works in mysterious ways... it’s ok... I’m glad you did” she pats my side of the bed for me to go lay back down “... come... flick the light back off though huh?” I do as she asks, the room is plunged back into its semi dark state, never fully pitch black because of the lights outside. I lay back down next to her and moments later she’s slung herself over me, the puppy wedged in the middle of us “... so Mr Barnes what’s the final decision?” 

“Buchanan’s Bikes” 

She kisses my cheek “Perfect” 

Now there’s a name I can advertise. I was just going to put an ad in the local paper. I told Savannah and she... shrieked. Pointed me in the direction of specialist magazines. You can get a magazine about ANYTHING, it’s bizarre, from medicine to gardening. With the aid of a website that acts as an online Newsagents I find a magazine specifically about vintage motorbikes and their restoration. I order a couple of back issues and the current quarterly copy, the magazine have a website of their own. Which has a phone number. 

When I went to war, well before I went to war, telephones were still... a luxury item, not everyone had them, I don’t recall having ever spoken on the phone to anyone before I... escaped. Or before I even went to war. 

It takes me two days to call them, Savannah could tell something was bugging me but I didn’t want to be like... please call these people for me because I’m scared to use the phone to talk to people I’ve never met. I tell her this, ready to be laughed at, she’s so confident on the phone. She doesn’t laugh, not in the slightest, explains to me that many many people have anxiety over using the telephone for voice calls, when ‘texting’ became a thing people stopped bothering with voice calls. 

I wrote down what I wanted to say in case I had a memory misfire or got flustered. 

I needn’t have worried the guy, Dave, that answered the phone was really easy to talk to. I told him I was enquiring about advertising space, so he asked me to tell him a little about my shop. When I did, I included who I was too, well a version of me anyway he said they’d love to do a ‘feature’ on me and the shop, then I could advertise in their following issues. Just give them a call when I was ready and they’d send someone to interview me along with a photographer. 

This gave me my next anxiety attack. Photographer. Photographs of me. Out in the world. Would people see it and know who I am? Who I... was. People the other guy had... hurt. I’m on a couple of people’s instagrams but they’re private accounts. There’s no photos of me on ‘official’ Avengers Instagram or Facebook. Nor on Savannah’s business accounts. This isn’t an issue she can solve for me. This is a legal thing. I need... ugh I need Stark. Or Miss Potts, maybe Steve too so I can sound out how he’d feel about it. The last thing I want is an overprotective Steve. It’s bad enough when I do it to Savannah. 

We meet at the Tower, sitting round a table in the conference room. Steve’s doing that eyebrow... thing. He’ll get premature wrinkles if he keeps doing that. Stark looks bored as if he’s not concerned by this at all. There’s a SHIELD ‘suit’ acting as a liaison. They probably helped when Steve entered the world again. But he’s Captain America, I’m a mechanic from Brooklyn. There’s no legal issues around it, thankfully. Stranger things have happened. If questions are asked an official statement can be given. It’s entirely up to me. How comfortable I feel about it. Steve let’s out a deep sigh when I say I’ll be good with it. I know he has my best interests at heart but so many businesses today are faceless cooperations, I’d like to stand for tradition, which means having a recognisable figure. Me. 

Before they can come and do the article I need a website. Then it can be included in the article and subsequent advertising. 

Savannah gives me Phil’s number and thankfully tells me to text him as opposed to call as he doesn’t like to be interrupted when he’s working, send a text and he’ll (eventually) reply. Which he does. I’m also thankful for him offering to meet me face to face as opposed to emailing back so forth. Not that I’m against the email but I have no clue on technical terms when I comes to building a website. It seems mad to me that it’s even called ‘building’ because at the end of the ‘build’ there’s not physical object, it’s virtual. He’s told me he’ll also design me a logo, then I can have it made in to a sign as well as using on business cards and so on, apparently it’d important to build a ‘brand’ so even though what I do is ‘vintage’ my business model should be ‘modern’. 

We arrange to meet at The Bean, I feel comfortable in there and it’s opposite my shop if he wants to take a look around, get a feel for the place. 

“Do I look... alright?” I’ve come to see Savannah before I walk round to meet Phil. She’s bent over a young guys forearm drawing brightly coloured planets and twinkly stars that actually look like they shine. She withdraws the needle and looks up towards me. 

“Handsome as always... what do you want to look like?” 

“Smart?” I’ve put on chinos as opposed to jeans, a button down plain shirt, and boots instead of sneakers 

“Ahhh... hardly anyone wears traditional business suits anymore Buck, I mean maybe some of the city boys but people realised it just wasn’t necessary anymore...” 

“Should I change?” 

“Change for what?” Jed’s come through from his piercing room and I hear the door open and close so his client must’ve just left. 

“Bucky’s going to meet Phil” 

“Awww a man date? Adorable...” 

“It’s a business meeting... what’s a man date?” 

“I’m only teasing... I don’t understand why more guys... I mean straight guys don’t meet up for coffee or dinner... why do they think it has to be some masculine activity for them to hang out with their friends without them feeling like it’s ‘gay’... sorry... ranting” 

“Phil’s not my ‘friend’ he’s my website designer” 

“I go on dates with my guy friends all the time... we don’t give a fuck if people think we’re gay or not... sorry... just offering my two cents” the guy in the chair shrugs his shoulders casually 

“Don’t be closed off to the idea of Phil BECOMING your friend though... you should have friends that are... normal” 

“But please tell Steve he’s welcome to yours and Savannah’s anytime now you’re living together... finally” 

“JEREMY” 

“What? You... boy getting drawn on... Captain America? Yes or no” 

“I thought it was common knowledge everyone was gay for Steve Rogers? He can turn a lesbian straight apparently” 

“I’m leaving...” 

“You look great Buck... come here first...” I walk over to Savannah and lean down so she can whisper to me, I think she’s either going to tell me something... inappropriate or that she loves me “... you’re not... protected are you?” 

She means am I armed “No... I feel safe” 

“Good...” she kisses me and moves away back towards her client “... enjoy your date” 

I walk out the door “Business meeting...” 

Hopper’s in his crate, I debate taking him but like I just said to Savannah, I feel safe. No need for canine protection. 

I have a mild panic as I walk round there, do I remember what Phil looks like? I know he has a Star Wars tattoo but it’s January, people are in long sleeves. His photo is on his website so I pull it up on my phone. Short blonde hair, round glasses. As I slip my phone back into my pocket I see him sitting in one of the window booths. I can’t see Becca working in there today, I should stop procrastinating on that, especially if I’m going to publicly admit to the world who I am. 

“Bucky... good to see you man...” Phil stands up and shakes my hand before we sit down opposite each other “... I ordered myself a drink but didn’t know what you wanted” 

“Good afternoon Sargent... the usual?” 

“Please Brian thank you” Brian puts a cup in front of Phil and leaves to make my usual, although it’s been downsized after the ‘incident’ I feel comfortable enough to slip my gloves off “... it’s ok you can look at it” 

“I mean Savannah told me you had a prosthetic arm... just... wow... that is... really something huh? I actually took an elective in robotics at university... and that is... well I’ve never seen one like that before... but you’re an...” he lowers his head and leans over the table “... kind of Avenger?”

“Avenger adjacent... this was made in Africa... by an actual genius from a rare metal... that’s all I can say, for now” 

“And it’s attached to your nervous system?” 

“Parts of it are... it does come off... if it needs repair... without me being sedated or unconscious” 

“Again... WOW and the colours... can I?” 

“Sure...” I reach my metal hand across the table so he can get a closer look, he doesn’t touch it though which I’m glad of “... speaking of colours, do you think you could make the site and logo etc match the colours of my arm?” 

“Of course” 

“Here you go Bucky...” Brian places a steaming cup in front of me “... I’ve been told to cut you off at two though so don’t drink it too fast ok?” 

“Thanks Brian...” 

“What’s all that about? The limit I mean” 

“Oh there was an incident with... caffeine...” 

“I suppose things are very different now from what you remember... before” Phil knows how old I am, he doesn’t know who I was, just that I was in stasis, not unlike Steve “... this must still feel kind of surreal huh?” 

“It has its good and bad points... the internet is great though, so helpful” 

“So I brought my iPad, I’ll show you some examples of my work, you give me an idea of what you’d like and we’ll go from there? I don’t charge hourly, there’s a set price and for updates additions etc there’s set prices for those too if that’s alright?” 

“All good with me...” 

“Fantastic... then let’s begin” 

As I walk back home, after bribing Brian into a third cup, because the website stuff took ten minutes, the free flowing conversation lasted a couple of hours. I think I made a... friend.


	46. Out of every pretty miscalculation you have got to be my all time favourite

For someone who doesn’t have a lot of ‘stuff’ I certainly seem to spent a fair amount of time tripping up over piles of... well Bucky. Clothes, shoes, journals, bags of meds. It’s methodical I know it is, he’s not like me. I start one thing and an hour later am doing something totally different because I got distracted. Bucky has a beginning point and an end point. I just wish he’d reach the end point so I don’t face plant over a (albeit neat pile) of Timberland boots, again. 

I should’ve dragged Bucky into twenty first century cohabitation before he moved into his studio apartment. Not that he was hardly ever there. But now he’s here all the time it’s... nice. No it’s better than ‘nice’. I love it. Even if he is a slight pain in the ass. I set my pre work alarm for an hour earlier than it needs to be just so I can spoon up to him in the morning, just to know he’s still there. Mostly he’s pretty dead to the world but occasionally I get manipulated into being the little spoon and held tight so I can drift back to sleep for an hour safe in his arms. 

Sex is still... well as it was. I’ve never had this. Usually the second living together becomes a permanent arrangement the sex dwindles away. Probably because it becomes too easily available. Not with Bucky, not when he winks at me, not when he touches me up when I’m washing the dishes, not when he decides he’s getting in the shower with me and all those other things that has me stripping out of my clothes as if were an Olympic sport. 

I own this building. Lock stock and barrel. There’s no mortgage only monthly bills. I handed him a piece of paper with an amount on. Which yes only equates to a third of what it costs BUT nothing makes couples argue more than money AND should he leave I don’t want to be too used to having HIS money pay for things to the point I’d struggle to live here alone again. 

With two of us here now and muddy dog walks I FINALLY buy a washer and dryer. There’s a small utility room off the main room of the apartment where the plumbing is already there for them so it’s not a huge job. Until the delivery man arrives. Bucky is yet to fathom the door intercom buzzer system (mainly as he never once used it, just broke in) so he leans out the bedroom window and hollers out the window that he’ll be down in a minute. I don’t realise what he’s doing, it’s early, he was up first, and I didn’t even hear the bell as I was still asleep. 

I think I’ll hear the sound of two men hauling my new appliances up to the top floor but there’s only one set of footsteps. I pull myself out of bed to go see what’s happening. Hopper’s in his cage still but he’s not bothered. He had us up at three am whining because he wanted out to pee. 

There’s no delivery man. There’s only Bucky. There’s only Bucky carrying a washing machine in his arms like it’s a bag a sugar. The only thing making it look NOT look like a bag of sugar is the fact it’s obscuring the top half of his body from view. 

“You know I paid for delivery, which included them hauling it up here...” 

“Thought I’d save them a job” says the washing machine 

“The dryer downstairs?” 

“Yup” says my boyfriends back as he heads towards the utility room “Whatever happened to twin tubs?” 

“Your age is showing again” 

He appears from the other room with a smile on his face, he’s not even broken a sweat “Good Morning Doll...” he kisses my cheek before he heads back to to retrieve the dryer. 

He hadn’t realised however that despite the plumbing already being there you need a plumber to come and connect them. He tells me he’ll find a YouTube tutorial. No, not this time, not when there’s mainline gas and water, I’m not risking being blown up and or flooded. Plus they need to be certified. By law. It’s not a problem, I’ve plenty of clients who are plumbers that will be able to come connect them. This doesn’t stop Bucky poking around in there though. He says he’s excited to do laundry but I overheard him on the phone (to Sam probably) saying and I quote ‘it doesn’t look that hard’. 

I arrange for my client, Antonio to come hook them up, he does it in exchange for two hours worth of tattooing. I TRY and get him in there when Bucky is not. But he won’t be budged. Plus I think he wants to act the big scary boyfriend, guardian of the apartment. 

I don’t see Antonio go IN the apartment but he stops in the store as he leaves. I’m sat behind the desk waiting on my next client. 

“Hey... I didn’t even know you were here” 

“Yeah the... guy upstairs... your...” 

“Bucky?” 

“Yeah he let me in” 

“Sorry... about him... I hope he wasn’t a bother” 

“No... just a bit... scary... he has a metal arm?” 

“Yeah... erm... was in active duty when he lost his arm... he’s a Pussycat really just... territorial... and erm defensive... it’s the soldier in him”

“Anyway all done... I haven’t got my diary with me so I’ll come back next time I’m over this way to book in?” 

“Not a worry... thanks again” 

“My pleasure... oh and your... Bucky might be scary but your puppy is so cute... my wife Marissa would love one... ANYWAY catch you around Savannah” 

I’ve got fifteen minutes before my next client, so I sprint upstairs to put a load of washing in. Ok so I’m a bit excited about this too. It’s a good job I did, because, well because, Bucky.   
When I get upstairs he’s walking around the apartment picking up all the dirty laundry, no matter the colour and dumping it in the washer. Hopper is happily trotting along behind, probably hoping for snacks. 

“Bucky no” 

“No?” He’s stood in the kitchen with arms full of clothes

“You need to separate lights and darks... didn’t you ever learn that? What happened at the tower...” 

“Went down a chute in the penthouse and then came back clean” 

“Oh my god... oh my god... no... drop the laundry I’ve got ten minutes...” 

“I can think of something else we could do in ten minutes...” 

“Barnes...” 

“Ok... ok... let’s go master of the laundry” he pulls out what he’d already put in adds it to what he has in his arms and dumps it all on to the dining table 

“So... one pile for lights and one for darks...” I start separating “... and check the labels on some of your shirts, they might be dry clean only... especially if they cost over fifty bucks, or came from the thrift... your underwear is fine to go in a regular wash cycle but mine needs to be on a delicate cycle and in a laundry bag ok?” 

“Do not ruin girlfriends panties, understood”

“When you were...” a wave of realisation comes over me “... you were taking your laundry to the penthouse weren’t you?” 

“Duh... it kept Steve off my back if I showed up once a week with a bag of laundry” 

“I gotta go back to work... you got this? There’s instructions on the washer and on the detergent... careful what you put in the dryer... check...” 

“The labels... I got it Doll... I swear... go back to work...” 

“Are you house husband? You gonna cook dinner as well?” 

“Maybe... but don’t get used to it... I will be at the shop soon enough...” 

“I gotta go...” I lean over and kiss his lips, they’re dry, he’s been licking them, he’s been concentrating; probably on scowling at Antonio “... laters Barnes” 

“Rogers...” 

I can only assume that Bucky Barnes: Mission Laundry has been a success as he doesn’t come flying into the store saying he’s flooded the apartment or ruined a load of clothes by turning them pink. Unless he’s not telling me somethings gone wrong and he’s trying to fix it. No mustn’t over think this, he’s almost a hundred not dumb, but then he is more prepared for war than domestic situations. 

So when he comes into the store as I’m cleaning up from the client I was waiting on while giving laundry lessons has departed I fear the worst.

“Doll...” 

“In here...” 

“No Jed?” He’s in my room now, specifically looking at my diary on the counter, I have a paper copy as well as digital... just in case 

“No gone for a suit fitting... how’s the laundry?” 

“Clean... probably a good thing Jed isn’t here...” 

“We can’t fuck in here, last time the wall almost fell down... again” 

“Well if it had have fallen down maybe it’d kick you up the ass into calling an architect” 

“Says the king of procrastination” 

“Anyway it says in your diary you’re done?” 

“Yeah wanna go out and get food or... have a laundry party?” 

“While both of those offers sound incredibly tempting Captain Fuckass called” I immediately tense, Bucky’s JUST moved in, if this is HYDRA related Captain Fuckass can go swivel “Doll... relax... in fact I’d say he’s feeling pretty scared of you right now” 

“Why?” 

“He’s decided today is the day to let you draw on him... he’s on his way... OK?” 

“Today’s the day huh?” 

“Today is the day Doll” 

“Well Barnes what you waiting for? Glove up and let’s get ready... you’re gonna be my assistant” 

His eyes light up “For real?” 

“For real... you know how to set up right? I’ll need black liner and...” 

“Yup...” he’s already moving around the room and wiping down, getting out the things I need. I wouldn’t have packed away if I knew.

“I’m gonna print out his stencil” 

I’m still sitting behind the counter cutting the stencil out when the store bell rings and a very timid looking Captain America enters. 

“Savannah...” 

“Steve...” he already looks slightly pale, I know how to help people when they pass out, but he’s not strictly ‘people’ good job my assistant has a metal arm that can catch a super soldier if he swoons. 

“Hey Fuckass ready to go?” Bucky’s stood behind me snapping on his gloves sounding way to excited “... this is gonna be great...” 

“He needs a consent form” 

“Does he?” 

“Yes... treat him like any other client Buck...” I know that when Bucky feels he needs to be near me if he’s not feeling safe for whatever reason he’ll be here whether I like it or not, so yeah me and Jed showed him what to do when someone arrives or makes an enquiry, not just say ‘sure no worries, twenty bucks and take a seat’ “... plus maybe I’ll frame it...” 

“Right... so... oh I’ll need to change gloves right?” 

“Right... cross contamination...” 

Bucky’s pulled his gloves off, I got some extra large ones because he likes being in here so much, and hurled them in the trash “Here Stevie... fill this out” He’s grabbed the clipboard that’s mounted with a pad of consent forms and an attached pen “...and we’ll be good to go... erm don’t put anything down in the ‘agreed cost’ section... this ones on me...” 

“This is...” Steve’s looking at the form that’s been put down in front of him “... a lot of information” 

“For your safety and my lady’s safety pal...” 

“I don’t think the military application forms needed this much information...” 

“Oh you mean the one you lied on?” 

“Have you had something to eat and drink today Captain? And no alcohol or recreational pharmaceuticals?” 

“Yes and no” 

“Put it on the form bud...” 

“Should I sign Captain America or Steve Rogers?” 

“Who’s getting tattooed? Because I don’t see a suit” 

“Right...” he signs the form and hands it back to Bucky who has way too much fun checking everything is right. 

“Ok Steve... follow me... erm you can hang your jacket up there and Bucky would you lock the front door please? Flick the sign and so on... don’t want to be interrupted on this one...” 

it doesn’t escape my notice that Steve is dragging his feet slightly as he walks, looking like a man who’s about to face his doom, and I’m fairly sure Steve has actually faced things a lot scarier than a tattooists needle. Bucky’s hot on his heels after he’s locked up. 

“Now what happens?” Steve’s stood in the middle of my studio looking very wary, Bucky is stood in the doorway beaming 

“This... is your stencil” I hold it up for him to see “...I’m going to put this on your skin, you can check in the mirror that it’s big enough or if you want it smaller or in the right place... good?” A nod “... first I need you to slip off your shirt, you got a tank top on underneath?” Another nod “... sit down so I can shave your arm” 

“SHAVE MY ARM?” 

“Yuh huh... it’s ok... it’s not a big job, just baby hairs...” 

“Oh... oh.. ok” 

As his shirt comes off I realise I’m in for a mammoth task, Bucky is... stacked but Steve’s biceps are as big as my thighs and my thighs ain’t small. He’s sits down, on the edge of the chair and I get to work trying not to cause injury to an American icon by shaving the peach fuzz from the top of his left arm. 

“Stand up for me please... Bucky do you want to do the honours? They’re your wingdings...” 

“Sure...” He puts more gloves on and sets to work, with some guidance in applying the stencil, Steve winces when he gets sprayed but so does everyone, it’s cold and you’re not expecting it “...is that... ok?” 

“Steve are you happy with the size and where it is? Take a look in the mirror for me...” 

“Yup...” he flexes his bicep, of course he does, I see Bucky roll his eyes “... I don’t want it... seen so a normal tshirt will cover that right?” 

“Right...” 

“Ready pal? Sit back down let the lady draw on you” 

He takes a hot minute to get comfortable in the chair and even then he’s still super tense “... try and relax Steve, I’m going to only do the outline tonight see what happens like with Bucky’s... it really won’t take long...” I pull up my stool and get myself comfy, Bucky’s leaning over my shoulder but on this occasion I don’t mind. When I turn the gun on Steve positively jumps “...sorry... if you’re not used to that noise it can be a little jarring... relax” 

“Was he...” 

“Oh he was TERRIBLE” 

I fully expect him to jump out of the chair the second I put the needle to his skin but he actually visibly relaxes, all the tension from his body melts away. 

“That’s... it?” 

“Not as bad as you thought?” 

“Nowhere near... he told me it hurt like hell... you... you were yanking my chain... Buck...” 

“Like you’ve never done it to me...” 

It really doesn’t take long, especially as Steve sits far more still than Bucky did and with a whole lot less complaining “Bucky would you like to add a line to this?” 

“WHAT?” 

“Really?” 

“Sure...” 

“Do you honestly think Stevie that I would be in a relationship with a tattooist and not try it out?” 

I’d gotten him a sheet of fake skin and fixed up one of my old guns, mostly he just doodled but he had a truly steady hand, I guess it came with being a sniper. 

“Here...” I hand him my gun and we swap so he’s on the stool and I’m standing behind him the outline is done, but he can go over it a little bit, just so he can say he did it, like a bonding thing “...so nice and steady... not too much pressure...” He’s licking his lips, concentrating hard, Steve looks... concerned. He shouldn’t Bucky does an excellent job, he repeats the outline with ease “... ok... machine off and wipe down...” 

“Can I see?” 

“Sure pal...” there’s another wince from Steve as Bucky sprays him and wipes the tattoo down, but it’s short lived as he’s on his feet admiring his newly tattooed arm 

“My Ma would kill me...” 

“Oh I think we’d both have had our asses whipped by now Stevie... tattoos, drinking, smoking, premarital sex... living in sin...” 

“Yeah how is the living in sin thing going?” 

“Sinful pal... very... very... sinful” 

“BUCKY” 

“Inappropriate?” 

“As always... you wanna wrap it up and give aftercare or you wanna clean up?” 

“Fake skin doesn’t need wrapping so this ones on you Doll I’ll clean up” 

“Ok Steve this is literally called second skin...” I stretch it out across his arm and press it down “...it stays on for twenty four hours no poking or prodding and try and keep it clean and try not to damage it... if your new ink is still fine after twenty four hours once this is healed we can colour it in... sound good?” 

“Sounds great...” he turns and kisses my cheek “... thank you Savannah... so much” 

“You’re welcome...” 

“Hey hands off my woman...” 

“Well this was...” Steve’s buttoning up his shirt again “... an experience... I don’t suppose I could interest you guys in having dinner? I’ll buy... is there somewhere round here you like?” 

“Sorry Stevie... we got a hot date with a washing machine” 

“You know we could always get take out... if that’s ok with you Steve?” 

“More than... washing machine?” 

“Did you know you gotta separate colours? And some things can’t go in the machine? And there’s all this liquid and you can choose a smell? Like flowers or soft cotton whatever that is supposed to smell like...” 

“You can do what?” 

We’re out of the store, I’m flicking the lights off and locking the door. Bucky is already on his way up the stairs to the apartment Steve closely behind him. 

“Wait till you find out about crease release spray...”


	47. I will shield you from the waves if they find you

It was a dream.

I knew that really that it was too good to be true me? Living with a super soldier? Only in my wildest dreams.

A dream that’s left me with tears rolling down my face so quickly I can feel the damp pillow underneath my head. I can’t feel my hand or my arm. I try to lift it over my head and it won’t move, it just won’t move, feels like I’m trying to straighten a piece of spaghetti. I’m alone, I know that, so screaming won’t help but sometimes you’ve just got to anyway. I’ll apologise to the neighbours later. I go to open my mouth but I can’t move my face either no matter how hard I try. And I can do nothing to stop the tears though that are still rolling down my face. Is this going to be the end of my life drowning in my own tears? I wonder if it’s really ever happened? At least the dream I had, the dream of Bucky Barnes will be the last thing I remember and how glorious it was.

I feel like I’ve been asleep for months. WAIT until I tell Jed about this, he’ll think I’ve finally lost my shit, and maybe one day I really will meet The Avengers and after a couple of vodkas for courage I can tell them about it. 

Very suddenly I feel like I’m being propelled forwards like I’m going into hyper space all flashing lights before my eyes and I can move again, I know this because I’m sat bolt upright in bed and the scream that comes from my lungs is something close to a banshee’s wail. It goes on for so long I don’t know how there is still air in my lungs to push out the sound, and when it does finish I just suck in a lung full of air and let out another cry, the tears still pouring down my face. 

Something is grasping the tops of my arms and my body is shaking like I’m being thrown around in a washer.

“Doll?… Weirdo?… Savannah…. Shit… Jesus fucking Christ… SAVANNAH! Look at me… come on I’m RIGHT here…” There’s a constriction around my body my arms pinned to my sides, my head pulled towards something hard but warm, a soothing scent wafting up my nose, I don’t think I could scream anymore if I tried, but I can’t stop the crying, sobbing for something that was never real… “… Shhhh” My body is being rocked back and forth, what is doing that? “It was just a dream… just a dream… sssshhhhh… look Alpine’s here now wondering what all the noise is about”

Alpine? I’m still asleep, Inception, when did I last watch that? Dream within a dream; within a dream “Alpine?” God my voice sounds weird all hoarse and scratchy

“Can you hear me Savannah?” There’s a voice next to me, the constriction around my arms loosens and instead I feel it at the sides of my face pulling my gaze sideways, my vision is blurred with tears and the room is dark, but still I see there’s a person there, a person holding my face “Savannah? I told you not to eat nachos and cheese before bed… talk to me please…”

It can’t be… it was just a dream, me, Bucky Barnes, just a dream “Bucky?”

There’s what sounds like a sigh of relief “You scared the shit out of me for a minute there Doll”

“Bucky?”

“Yeah it’s me… who else would it be?” he’s still got his hands to the sides of my face but not so tightly now using his flesh thumb to wipe away my tears “What the hell did you dream about?”

“You weren’t here…” The rest of the room is coming back into focus now, my room… our room… Alpine sitting on the end of the bed looking at us both with big wide eyes “I thought I’d dreamt the whole thing… you… animals… everything” the tears that had stopped are pouring again sobs whimpering in the back of my throat

“Shhhh… I’m here, I’m really here see…”

“OW” there’s a pinch to my ear lobe a really hard pinch and I realise I am awake and he’s here, he’s really here the love is real, it’s like a rush of adrenaline as my mind sorts everything back out into order, the reality hits me, the tears stop and I hurl my arms around his neck and put my lips to his, hard.

“Whoa hello”

“Hi…” I am like a lioness stalking her prey and I pounce on him tackling him backwards on to the bed. Bucky I need to feel you so bad… I thought I’d dreamt it I thought it wasn’t real and I need you to remind me that it is, so just shut up and touch me up or something, I need to feel real again.

My night clothes are shed away from my skin landing somewhere in the mess of comforter and pillows that I’d pulled around in my nightmare, to remove my bottoms I’m pushed on my back like a sideways somersault and he’s at the waistband of my shorts pulling them down and away from me, throwing them over his shoulder, pulling his boxers down and off then crawling back up me pinning me to the bed. He kisses me forcefully, clearly not caring that it’s the middle of the night or that I’ve been crying, his mouth moves all over my upper body with hunger, letting me know that its real, he’s really here. I arch my back away from the mattress desperate for him inside me and he doesn’t disappoint reaching between us to his dick he takes it in hand and pushes himself inside me. I don’t think it could feel any more real than this. It’s one of those rare occasions where I’m not pummelled into the bed or whatever I’ve been pinned against it’s one of those times where I’m held, cradled, caressed, a gentle meeting of hips instead of forceful thrusts. There’s no shouting or loud moaning no cries of pleasure, soft sighs and the sound of the bed rocking slowly is all that fills the air around us. He’s real, he’s really here, he’s mine Bucky Barnes is mine all mine.

The heat is gathering, pooling low in my belly, pulling my thighs closer together, tighter around his waist letting me feel that he’s really there. I need to cum, I need to break apart, I need to let go of that dream that really was just a dream. He starts to circle his hips slightly, causing a sweet friction against my clit it’s so close its within my reach. I lift myself away from the bed slightly squashing our upper bodies together wrapping my arms around his back as tightly as I can, his arms pushed underneath me holding me tight. He puts a kiss to my lips and that’s it I fall apart in his embrace my head tilting back, his head burying itself into the crook of my neck, his hip movement becoming erratic as he loses control before he cums, quietly but sighing happily. Moving just his head he puts his nose against mine in an Eskimo kiss.

“Ok Doll?”

“I am now” I put a small kiss to his lips before he lifts himself away from me, laying on his back and opening his arm out inviting me to snuggle up to him, which I do pulling the comforter over us at the same time

“Dreams are weird huh?”

I’d like to say that was where the weird stopped but the weird was only just beginning. 

Every so often I get a ‘feeling’ it’s not uneasy, or unpleasant, it’s not anxiety inducing it’s just a realisation that something is about to happen. What is about to happen I never know. I’ve been having these feelings since I was a kid, Mom says it’s Deja Vu, later in life after the Matrix came out and we all accepted that perhaps life was a simulation I’d joke it was a glitch in the Matrix, maybe I was the chosen one, the one to free the people and lead the uprising. 

These feelings never caused me enough distress or worry to seek any kind of medical advice about it, it was just a quirk. A quirk of me. 

Perhaps it was an Asgardian thing. Perhaps true Asgardians got the ‘feeling’ but were somehow attuned enough to the cosmos that they knew what was going to happen without the vagueness. I’ve done nothing about my heritage, the email address is stored in my phone and the box is still on the middle floor, I’m yet to connect the two, but I haven’t forgotten every time I walk past the box it’s staring back at me, like not being able to look away from a train wreck. 

Thinking on it, I got the ‘feeling’ in the week leading up to me finding Bucky in the alley. And one time I got the feeling My Chemical Romance reformed. 

“Something is going to happen” 

“Huh?” 

We’re sitting at the dining table, Bucky has been perfecting the art of cooking breakfast, today it’s pancakes. Chocolate chip ones. He said I needed further soothing after my night terror. I’ve stopped with a loaded fork halfway to my mouth. 

“Something is going to happen” 

He snaps his fingers in front of my face “Doll?” 

“Something is going to happen” 

“Awesome... can you tell me what?” 

“No” 

“Ok then... eat your pancakes” 

I blink a couple of times and the feeling vanishes. This was a big one. Bigger than I’d ever had before, but just as quickly as it started it vanishes and I finish my breakfast and head to work. 

It’s a day of... chores as opposed to clients. Suppliers, accountants, grocery shopping. Going with Bucky to look at a new couch after mine for chewed my a puppy AND became unable to be ahem... wiped clean anymore and we need other... household items. But every where I go I see the same ‘suit’. Is something going on? Are we in danger? It’s not Coulson or Hill but he’s definitely a suit. A nondescript male in a navy blue business suit, I mean that’s not that uncommon but one that’s wearing sunglasses on a gloomy January day, that’s unusual. 

“Buck” 

“Yeah...” 

We’re in Bed, Bath and Beyond because he’s been complaining that my sheets are too... ‘girly’ and which yeah ok they are but it’s only been me sleeping on them for years so... and he’s stood looking at a set that has dinosaurs on them. Oh and there’s never any towels when he wants one, I pointed out that if he hung towels on the rail as opposed to leaving them damp on the floor we wouldn’t need to buy more. 

“There’s been a suit following me all day” 

“Uh huh... do you like the dinosaurs?” 

“Obviously... but Bucky THE SUIT” 

He looks around “I can’t see anyone, you mean a SHIELD agent?” 

“Yeah” 

“Wouldn’t worry about it Sav... I’m still a... what’s the... person of interest... it’ll be some bureaucratic thing that they check up on me... I’ll call Fuckass later find out if I should be worried” 

“You’re not now?” 

“No are you?” 

I look round and they’ve vanished again “I guess not” 

“Good... look they’ve got the As Seen on TV stuff... oooo LOOK marshmallow shooters? I’m getting one” 

“Get two” 

“I love you” 

“I know” 

I’m sitting behind my desk, my one and only booking has been and gone. I’m just... doodling, uploading some flash into my folder for readymade stencils. Debating printing some out for a fifty bucks lucky dip to go in a vintage gum ball machine I ‘acquired’. Jed’s packed up and gone as he’d been holding down the fort while I wallowed in domesticity. Bucky is... maybe on his way? He’d gone to the shop to meet Phil and a photographer. Even washed his face and trimmed his beard for the occasion. 

The doorbell chimes but I don’t stand up. 

“Hey welcome to Kirby Dots we’re actually about to close up but I can book you in for another day?” No answer “Hello?” Still no answer “BUCKY stop fucking around...” I stand up and the suit is staring back at me, stood bold as brass in the middle of my store “I knew I was being followed... if you want me to accompany you I’d like to see some identification first” 

“That won’t be necessary on this occasion...” the guy starts... well he starts glowing... much in the way Bucky described I did on New Year’s Eve only I didn’t change my whole appearance from a suit to someone else entirely “...Savannah” 

“Dad”


	48. Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy

My weirdo is being weird. 

She found out she was not entirely human and like everything else she’s dealt with since I fell into her life she’s just got on with it. No big deal. I want her to find out more but I can’t push her, if I push her she’ll dig her heels in and not do anything at all. 

But last night with the dream and then this morning with the ‘feeling’ and then the suit. Somethings bugging her, gotten under her skin. Maybe I should try and get her in to see Hewie, maybe she’d talk to him. 

She was so spooked that even though I didn’t see a suit, I didn’t see anyone that looked suspicious in any way I took my gun out of the bedside drawer before I went round to my shop JUST in case. Maybe I missed something, the more my brain becomes attuned to ‘normal’ life the less my... other guy senses are at the forefront of my mind. 

I’m done having my photo taken and photos of the store for the website. My logo is approved and a sign being made to order. I feel like I haven’t really got a care in the world, it’s only the press of the metal of my handgun digging into the small of my back that reminds me I do care about something. Her. 

The lights are still on in her store so I guess she’s still in there. You can’t see through the front windows, they’re frosted with her logo etched into them. I could go straight upstairs but I was expecting her to be packed up and done by now so I better make sure she’s not going to be much longer. I’m hungry. 

It takes me less than a second from pushing the store door open to draw my weapon. 

I can read her. I know her. I know her better than I know myself. 

She’s behind the counter, her face is totally blank but I do know she feels threatened. She’s stood up straight, shoulders back, chest out, arms rigid at her sides. Even if this guy is just a customer giving her hassle a boyfriend with a gun should send him running. 

“Savannah you... ok?” 

“Put the gun down Bucky” 

“A gun? How quaint... but you really don’t need it...” 

An English accent? A tall guy, taller than me, taller than Savannah, dressed in black slacks and a black leather jacket, smart brogues. 

I slowly edge round him to get nearer to her. I’ve still got my weapon raised and his hands are too albeit half heartedly “Keep your hands where I can see them... no sudden moves pal... that’s it” 

“Honestly you don’t need the weapon son, I mean neither of you no harm” 

I reach Savannah and before I turn back to look at the guy I look her up and down, she shows no signs of being injured, she is trembling though. I turn back to give whoever this is a piece of my mind, my weapon still raised but when I see the face looking back at me I swiftly lower it placing it on the counter. 

“Holy shit” 

“Holy shit indeed James... do you prefer James or...” 

“Bucky, you’re... you’re... here” 

“I am...” 

Savannah snaps out of her daze “No... no... nope... not happening... only people who KNOW him call him Bucky... and you don’t know him, I don’t know you... you can’t just walk in here after almost forty years and just be like hello Savannah... fuck you... SIMON...” 

“I prefer Sindre or... Dad” 

“I don’t give a fuck.. get out...” 

“Savannah... please... let me explain...” 

“No...” 

“I only acted in yours and your mothers best interests” 

“Don’t care... don’t need you...” 

“Well... here is my card...” he pulls a business card from his jacket pocket and places it on the counter “... all my details are on there...” 

“I’ll show you out...” 

“Very courteous of you... James... Savannah another time perhaps...” 

She doesn’t answer just stares at him like if she stares hard enough his head might explode. I move back around the counter and gesture towards the door in an attempt to break up the stare off. He happily moves towards exiting the shop. I follow him out. My curiosity has got the better of me. 

“Wait...” He’s quick on his feet and is walking away without another word or glance back, thankfully he stops but doesn’t turn back to face me “... where have you been?” 

“Ahhh a story for another time James... take care of her” 

“I’ll try and get her to...” 

“You and I both know of her stubbornness... she gets it from me...” 

“I’ll still try...” 

“I know you will Sargent” 

As he steps forward again to continue walking that... star like shine starts to seep from him surrounding him and by the time he’s taken his second step he’s vanished. Just gone. Poof. 

I’ve seen some... things but never have I seen a man straight up vanish. Go through portals yes, explode... I think. But never just vanish. 

Shit. Savannah. 

She’s still behind the counter, exactly as she was. 

“Doll...” 

“I...” 

“I know.... it’s... it’s ok...” 

“I was horrible” 

“Yeah you were but with good reason... here’s what we’re gonna do, we’re gonna go upstairs I’m gonna fix you a drink, from the... cupboard... where the good stuff is and you can sort through it all in your beautiful brain and work it out... if you wanna sit and stare into space you can do that, you wanna get up and pace around the apartment, you can do that... sound... good?” 

“Yup...” 

I put the gun back in my pants, I grab Savannah’s purse and sling the strap up over my shoulder. I don’t think it suits me. Slowly I lead her from the store, flicking the lights out and locking the door behind me. If I’ve forgotten anything I’ll deal with it later. 

Savannah is up the stairs before me, she’s on the couch, the dumb falling apart couch by the time I get up the stairs, she’s back staring into space. I grab her a large drink, Jack Daniels, in her favourite glass, it’s a Halloween one, it’s got a ghost on it that says ‘I’m here for the boos’. After I’ve put it down on the coffee table in front of her I let the puppy out of his cage. He ignores me and rushes straight over to her, clearly reading her mood he jumps up and sits down next to her. 

“I’m just going to the bathroom... you... just stay there...” 

I close the bathroom door behind me, turn on the faucet and slip my cell phone from my back pocket along with the card he left on the counter. I take a snap shot of it and send it over Captain Fuckass. Tell him who it belongs to. See if Stark or anyone, SHIELD can do some digging. So I can give Savannah something... solid. 

The next thing I do is hit call on one of the few numbers in my phone. 

“Hello handsome... to what do I owe the pleasure?” 

“Hey Janis... he was here... in Savannah’s store” 

“Who was? You’re an... kind of avenger you might need to narrow it down for me” 

“Dad...” the line goes silent but I can hear her breathing “... Janis?” 

“Oh... well... erm... what did he want?” 

“The answer to that question was unclear” 

“Savannah?” 

“Oh she told him to fuck off” 

“I would think nothing else... ok... I’ll get the next flight I can... I think I’m owed a face to face explanation too don’t you?” 

“Yup... you can stay at my shop if you like? Save on a hotel... the fort has been... dismantled” 

“Why wouldn’t YOU stay at the shop?” 

“Janis when did you last talk to Savannah?” 

“New Years day... I figured she needed some time... she knows where I am... she found the box?” 

“Yeah she found the box, and also found someone to translate the box, she’s just yet to put them together... wait so you don’t know she had an allergic reaction? Ended up in the hospital? Or that... or that we now live together?” 

“No I did not... I’ll get on a plane, I’ll let you know when I land... DO NOT tell her I’m on my way, her back will already be up... DO NOT POKE THE BEAR JAMES understood?” 

“Yes ma’am” she hangs up on me. 

Faucet off I take a quick glance at myself in the mirror. War? Not scary, that variable is more or less under my control. An upset Savannah? A situation out of my control? Terrifying. I can do this, I can do this. I think she’s off the couch. I can hear the sound of footsteps. Pacing, she’s started pacing. 

She’s circling the coffee table. Hopper’s still laid on the couch and Alpine has come out from wherever she was hiding and is now sitting on the kitchen counter washing her paws not giving a shit. 

“How dare he...” the glass is empty, so she drank the liquor “... just turn up... and HE was the suit... he’d been following me... us... disguised... too ashamed to show his face.. well so he should be... why would you leave a pregnant woman? I mean am a not... enough to stay for?” 

“Savannah no... don’t think that... you are... everything...” She stops and looks at me, I’m stood next to the couch, not sure whether I should sit or pace with her “... WAIT... HE was the suit?” 

“Yup...” she starts pacing again “... he went all... shiny and the suit vanished and there he was... Dad... I mean what did he think would happen? I’d run into his arms ‘my Daddy... my Daddy’? Like the Railway Children?” 

“The what?” 

“It’s a book... never mind...” she stops moving and looks directly at me, then raises her hand to a point, shit... here it comes “... you followed him out... you left me to follow him out... you’re supposed to be on my side...” 

“Doll I’m so on your side that I held a GUN to him... I just... he vanished you know” 

“He WHAT?” 

“You want another drink? I think I might need one too...” I grab her tumbler and refill it, along with one for me, from the flask of mead. My ‘glass’ is plastic, it has what looks like sparkly snow moving in it like a snow globe, it’s from a kids cartoon called Frozen, it even says Frozen in gold letters around the top “... when I followed him outside...” 

She’s pacing again “What did he say to you? What did you say to him?” 

“It’s not of any importance...” I put her drink on the coffee table and down mine, should’ve just swigged from the bottle, save on washing up “... what is of importance is that he VANISHED INTO THIN AIR... do you think... do you think you can do that?” 

“I don’t know... I haven’t before why should I now? Oh I was so horrible to him...” she stops “... was I not horrible enough? What does his card say? You picked it up right?” 

“Right... it says his name... his Asgardian name, not his... human name and that he’s an ‘antiquities dealer’ and a cell number... I’ve erm... I’ve sent it to Steve” 

She’s pointing at me again “YOU SENT IT TO STEVE? WHY?” 

“Because he has billions of dollars worth of equipment at his disposal AND endless... connections to things... not of this Earth... maybe he can figure out why he’s back now AND where he’s been” 

“Oh good... so once again everyone knows my business... and once again there’s three of us in this relationship... you me and STEVE...” 

She’s mad, when she’s mad she loses the brain to mouth filter “I know you’re angry... I get it... I do... and you should be mad but don’t be mad at me for doing what I thought was in your best interest and by best interest I mean Steve” 

“Sorry...” 

“I know you are...” I reach to the packet of smokes on the counter and take two out, lighting them both and handing one to her “I’m hungry...” 

“You’re always hungry” 

“Stressful situations make me hungry” she raises her brows “... hungrier than normal?” 

“I TOLD YOU I had a feeling” 

“You did... and I made you buy sheets” 

“You made me buy sheets” 

“I’m sorry?”

“Do you want Indian food? I’d love a naan bread...” she sits back down on the couch, flicking the ash from her cig into her tumbler, it’s still got liquor in it, I’m praying she’s not going to cause a fireball “So... food?” 

And just like that the walls are back up. She feels she’s dealt with it... for now.


	49. “Go to hell” is all I thought about

“YOU CALLED MY MOM?” 

“OF COURSE I CALLED YOUR MOM... WHAT ELSE WOULD I DO?”

“LET ME HANDLE IT” 

“LIKE YOU’VE BEEN HANDLING IT SO FAR? AND BESIDES HE LEFT HER TOO” 

“Savannah... James... shouting at each other will not help anything” 

“I have to go to work” 

“The hell you do young lady... sit your backside on the couch NOW” 

I’ve only just woken up, only just staggered into the lounge, Bucky had left me sleeping while he went to take Hopper out to pee, only he’d returned with my Mom as well as the puppy. 

So now I’m sitting on the stupid couch that needs replacing, my arms crossed over my torso, angry with my dumb boyfriend who called MY MOM. I mean I would’ve called her... eventually. 

“Sorry...” 

“Uh huh that’s what I thought... so not ONLY did you experience an allergic reaction so severe that...” I glare at Bucky and open my mouth to speak “... nope... my turn now... you had an allergic reaction so severe you went TO THE HOSPITAL... and didn’t tell me... BUCKY MOVED IN and you didn’t tell me... but NOW YOUR FATHER IS HERE AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME” 

“Janis... shouting?” 

“Oh no... just because you are old enough to TECHNICALLY be my Grandfather you do not escape this tirade unscathed JAMES... my child went to the hospital and you didn’t tell me? Moving in ok so I can let that one go... but come on... and you did the right thing calling me last night thank you... NOW... let’s have food... airline food is dreadful... I’ve been cramped up next to a screaming baby all night... you better not be pregnant as well?” 

“About that...” 

“No Mom... not pregnant” there’s no need for my Mom to know that a secret Nazi military outfit sterilised my boyfriend without his permission right now. 

“Good...” she’s in the refrigerator “... there’s food in here? ACTUAL food?” 

“We made an... agreement... after an... incident” 

“Another incident... no don’t tell me... I think I’ve taken enough on today... I’m making bacon and eggs... good?” 

“I’m not hungry” 

“Well you’re gonna eat anyway... because at some point soon we’re gonna shout at your father and you’ll want your strength for that... Bucky I take it you ARE hungry?” 

“Yup”

I glare at him “Traitor”

“Savannah... go... wash up... get dressed... call your sidekick... Bucky you... same... I’ll cook while you do...” 

I am so tempted to slam the door in Bucky’s face but I don’t, I reside to my fate. I’m still mad as hell though, I dipped into the ambien, I didn’t want to be awake all night over thinking things so this was an incredibly rude awakening. A mother, a shouting mother, and a boyfriend who... I shouldn’t be mad at because he cares enough, loves me enough that he called my Mom, despite me being an independent adult woman, he knew I’d need my Mom. 

“Savannah I...” I stop him talking by kissing him “... you’re not... mad?” 

“Oh James Buchanan Barnes I am absolutely furious... but I am also overwhelmed with... with what I don’t know... you care enough about me that you called my Mom”

“Doll... I would start a war for you if I needed to... you are... the sun and I am just a planet spinning around you or whatever Fall Out Boy said...” a few tears have spilt on to my cheeks “... hey... I know... I know...” he wipes them away for me “... but listen very carefully and PLEASE take this on board... my Dad is gone... he’s not been... who knows where... he’s gone, dead in the ground gone and I never got to... well... there’s a lot of things I never got to... but don’t close yourself off from having... from being his daughter... but that doesn’t mean you don’t get to be as furious as hell with him... because fuck him right? how could he leave you? Your Mom... your slightly erratic wonderful Mom and you... how could he give up the chance to see you become... become you... the person who saved me”

“Sap...” 

“Yeah I know... whatever happens with this... with your Dad... with your... Asgardian parts... I will support you... just like you did me...” 

When he... when he says things like this, when he puts himself on the line, for me, it leaves me breathless. Other... people... before would just be blasé, I’d give and give and give and they’d take twice what I gave and never give anything back. Bucky... Bucky is... well Steve was right, Mom was right, loyal and faithful. And loving...

“I should call Jed... did Steve get back to you?” 

“Only to say he’d look into it” 

“I have a feeling that all that equipment he has at his disposal is about to me utilised by an incredibly irate Mom...” 

“Good... call Jed...” 

“Yes Boss...” 

I hate flaking on Jed, I do not pay him enough because every time I do he’s just says not to worry and he’ll handle it. I reschedule the bookings I have. I need a second tattooist for back up. One thing at a time, reappearance of supposedly ‘dead’ dad first. 

Steve hasn’t come up with ANYTHING. And because of that he is about to feel the full wrath of one Janis Rogers, all five foot two of her. And today she is woman who is not to be messed with, she literally made me clean my plate before she’d let me leave the table. She is in full ‘I was once a teacher’ mode. That crossed with full on Mom mode. Whoooo boy. 

She even drives, she drives MY Jeep to the Tower. She takes MY ID card swipes us in and literally rampages through the building until she’s found who’s she’s looking for. Tony and Steve namely. No low level members of the team for Janis Rogers no, she gets intergalactic world savers or no one at all. 

“You... you are Captain America... he...” she points to Bucky “... is supposed to be your BEST FRIEND and by association so is my DAUGHTER... and YOU...” she point to Tony “... are apparently Iron Man with billions of dollars of security at your disposal yet you failed to realise my CHILD was being stalked by a man who VANISHED over thirty years ago” 

“My... bad?” Tony shrugs. 

We’re sat around a conference table, no sat around would indicate unity, here there are definite sides. Tony and Steve on one, me, my Mom, Bucky and erm... Rhodey on the other. 

“At least tell me you have SOMETHING?” 

“I can tell you nothing, literally which is a... problem... he had zero digital footprint” 

Bucky leans to me “I knew this would be about things I don’t understand” 

Tony fake coughs and continues “What that MEANS is technically he doesn’t exist... by any of the names he’s used and the cell number he gave you is for a burner phone... he doesn’t have a online grocery cart, a Facebook, Instagram... whatever else people are talking to each other on... NOTHING... and I hate to you know point out the obvious but why have you not just called the number?” 

“Tony...” 

“Nope you Rhodey don’t get to say anything if you’re on that side of the table... I feel... betrayed” 

“I mean it would be a... plan?” 

“STEVE” Bucky and I exclaim in unison 

“I hate it when they do that” 

“A man... a vanishing man... has now reappeared and your solution is to just call him?... what if he’s come back because he’s in some kind of trouble... can I point out that the world has changed SO MUCH within in my daughters lifetime... and knowing that.. AND knowing that I continued to search the face of the earth for him and came up empty handed every time... is there more than a slight possibility that he’s been gone because he was involved in something not of this Earth and last time I checked you were Earth’s defence system?”

“No offence Janis and believe me... I am... quite scared of you right now... it’s the... teacher voice... but usually we defend the Earth from events more... life threatening than an Asgardian reconnecting with his daughter... BUT look... invite him for a meeting... invite him here... we’ll put you in a room where we can monitor it... see what’s going on... in more way than one... how does that sound? And if he is dangerous IN ANY WAY you will be in the safest place?” 

My Mom clenches her jaw “FINE” 

“I should’ve been monitoring the situation with a closer eye... but in my defence Bucky asked me to step back said I was over bearing... he needed his independence” 

“This isn’t about MY independence Stevie this is about Savannah... you know the person who saved me... this person here... who not just me but ALL OF US are supposed to keep safe... it’s on all of us” 

“I think we’re done here... Janis... Savannah... a delight as always... when you are ready to call the number let me know... Rhodey... still betrayed but take Janis out for lunch... you can take my car...” a set of keys are tossed across the table which Rhodey thankfully catches before they hit anyone in the face. 

My Mom starts getting up and Rhodey is behind her pulling her chair out for her. She turns from scary teacher Mom to blushing teenager Mom. 

Bucky’s leant over toward me again “So that’s... happening?” 

“I guess...” 

Tony’s exited the room without a backward glance. 

“Savannah I’ll see you later ok...” my Mom puts a kiss to the top of my head “... you don’t need to rush this decision... you grew up fine without him...” she repeats the kiss on the top of Bucky’s head, which makes him blush, adorable “... you solider take care of her... and YOU Shmaptin Shmerica do not drop the ball or I’ll drop you... understood?” 

“Yes ma’am” Once she’s out of the room with the door very definitely close, Steve relaxes “... I... I think Tony might try and recruit your Mom... I think she could just scare any threat away with their tail between their legs... I am sorry Savannah... truly...”

“You can’t be everywhere at once” 

“That’s true but like your Mom said...” 

“I’m not your responsibility Steve... neither is Bucky... we are adults... independent adults... I am glad however that when things like this happen I have people... like you at my... disposal” 

“Well... here’s what we’re going to do... I’ll get some... the term for it is ‘floating security’ they’re not gonna stand outside your door but they’ll be close... is that... agreeable?” 

“They won’t interfere?” 

“They won’t... but they’ll be close enough to know if you’re... not safe... Buck you good with that?” 

“Ye-up” 

“Good... well if you’ll excuse me... I was on my way out before I got... before I got quite frankly ‘Momnapped’ and dragged in here... Savannah your Mom is right... you grew up good without him...”

“And what if you could have your parents back Stevie?” 

“That’s very different Buck and you know it” 

There’s a shoulder square off happening across the table. 

“Ok... stand down soldiers... Steve thank you again... you can go...” 

“I can? Why am I asking... of course I can... call if you need me” 

He’s leaves me and Bucky alone in the room. 

“Hey... your head noisy?” He’s taken hold of my hand 

“Screaming” 

“Wanna see Hewie while we’re here?” 

“Not really... I mean he’s more of a sounding board but he never has the final answer ya know? I need to make the final answer...” 

“What can I do? You wanna pace some more? Make out?” 

“No to the making out... when we make out my mind goes blank” 

“I’ll take that as a compliment... come on... let’s go back to Brooklyn grab the puppy and...” 

“I should...” 

“Nope you shouldn’t go to work... I’m not saying you need to have made a decision before you go back to work... but just work it out a bit first huh?” 

“Can I pet your beard while I think?” 

“We have a puppy AND a cat yet you want to pet the hair on my face? SUPER WEIRD” 

“Chest hair?” 

“Is this why you don’t wax your legs because you like to pet your leg hair? See now this makes sense why leg shave day is only once a week... and I love you... I do... but why my razor Savannah... why?” 

“Men’s razors are better and I forgot to buy some of my own? Plus I like your face furry... it only needs trimming... TRIMMING Buck...” I stroke his chin to emphasise my point, and he leans into my hand, like a cat, alright maybe it is weird... but he’s weird too. 

“Let’s get out of here... maybe we could make lists? You love lists... a list for and a list for against?”  
Just like Rhodey did with my Mom, he gets up first and pulls my chair out for me “... or... OR and hear me out on this one...” he’s guiding me from the room “... we get a dart board, and two pieces of paper and my knives and...” 

“No Bucky...” 

“Yeah... that’s fair... no knives...” 

“Sometimes I run...” 

“Sometimes I hide?” 

“That’s Britney Spears” 

“I know that” 

“Uh huh” 

“Uh huh... get in the elevator Rogers” 

I’m not sure even why Bucky decided he would run with me? I picked a sedate jog around the park nearest to home. If I get lost in thought while running I can end up far away and then have to get a Uber back home or the Subway. It’s why I always take some cash with me. ALWAYS. So the park it is. Circles are good, can’t go far going in circles. 

“Yeah... this isn’t working” 

I shout that to Bucky as I jog past him, he’s sat on a bench, he did one lap... no two because he lapped me, the fucker. I’ve got Hopper’s lead clipped to my waist bag so he’s trotting alongside me. At least he’s getting some use out of this exercise. 

“And I still don’t know why people run when they’re not running away from anything...” 

He’d been far more amused at me trying to get into my sports bra to actually be of any help while we were at the apartment and now he’s clearly being just as helpful. 

I’ve been going in circles for almost an hour. It’s not working. I’m no further. Maybe this isn’t something that can be worked out in hours. Maybe it’s gonna take weeks, but maybe he’ll disappear again and I’ll never know. Ugh. Stupid Dads. 

“I’m stopping” 

“Good I’m cold” 

I slow down coming full stop in front of him and unclip Hopper handing his lead over. I do my stretches to cool down, he looks at me inappropriately. Which also, not helping Barnes. 

“Well that didn’t help” 

“Let’s try...” 

“No knives...” 

“I was gonna say beard petting” 

“Oh... yeah maybe that’ll help...” 

Beard petting lasts all of five minutes. Then I decide that seeing as I’ve given myself the day off and they need doing, I bleach my roots. Which means I’m in the bathroom with my mirrors rigged so I can see all the angles of my head. Which also means I’m staring at myself. Staring at myself questioning whether or not I want a ‘Dad’. Feeling bad that I have a living Dad and Bucky doesn’t. 

“BARNES?” 

“Yeah...” 

“Come... will you come here please?” 

“Is it... safe?” 

He’s in the lounge, or rather was, now he’s on the other side of the bathroom door. I closed it. He can sometimes be more of a hindrance than a help so this was just... easier. Plus the mirror rig is quite... sensitive to movement. 

“Yes... just... careful” 

“Oh my god... it... Jesus Savannah how have you not gassed yourself out yet?” He scoots round me and my mirrors and swings open the window before timidly sitting down on the edge of the tub “... you are not a person without... money... why the... home bleaching?” 

“DIY hair colour is so much more punk rock than sitting in chair in a salon flicking through a glossy magazine...” 

“Uh huh... and is it punk rock to gas your boyfriend with the fumes?” 

“I’m sure my boyfriend has experienced worse...” 

“That’s true... you erm... you missed a spot...” 

“Where?” I’m looking in my mirrors and I can’t see any root poking, just blue tinted bleach 

“You trust me?” 

“Yes don’t make me regret it though...” I load up the brush and hand it to him, he shifts slowly and I feel the cold of the bleach against the skin behind my left ear “... what would you do?”

“About the Dad thing?” 

“Yeah...” 

“It’s not my decision to make... can you put some more of that... stuff on the brush for me? The point is to truly cover the root right?” 

“Right...” he passes me the brush, I load it up again and hand it back “... and I know it’s not your decision... but I do value your opinion... we’re a team” 

“I would see what he wants... I mean... he might not ‘want’ anything and I would be wary of jumping into any kind of relationship with him because he could just vanish again right? And like Stark said... meet at the tower... that way if it’s... nefarious in any way you’ll be... physically safe...” 

“But emotionally...” 

“Whatever happens... I’m right here... see?” He gives me a little wave in the mirror, or rather he waves the bleach brush and a dollop falls off and on to my top “... sorry” 

“It’s my hair dye shirt” 

“Oh I thought it was punk rock fashion...”

“OK...” 

“Ok?” 

“I’ll meet him...” 

“You gotta call him first” 

“I gotta call him first” 

“When you’re ready... why do I get the feeling that it’s gonna take you a while to be... ready?” He sighs, loudly “... I still say we...” 

“No knives...”


	50. It just takes some time, little girl you’re in the middle of the ride

Bucky’s POV

“It’s eight pm” 

“We know...” 

“Ok... it’s just we’ve been sitting here since five” 

“We know....” 

Savannah said she would wait for her Mom. Her Mom arrived at the apartment at four pm. With Rhodey. Who departed shortly after. At four thirty they discussed calling him... calling Dad. Between four thirty and five a discussion occurred where it was decided yes they’d call but not from either of their phones, they didn’t want him to have their numbers. So call him from my phone I don’t care. I mean I do but... and this is where we are sitting around the dining table, Janis and Savannah starting at my phone which is in the middle of table. In the midst of my still moving in... things. This is where we’ve been sitting for three hours. 

I can’t look at Savannah. Her Mom arrived post bleach rinse but pre blue so she’s sitting in her onesie with quite frankly mad hair. The ends are pastel blue and the roots are yellow, bright yellow. It’s... well it’s hilarious and this isn’t a time for laughter. 

How did I get here? 

How did I get so lucky? 

These two women opened their hearts and lives to me. They let me in. Me. The Winter Soldier. The man who has assassinated literally more people than I can remember. And the ones I can remember, I see them everyday. I see them in the people I pass in the street. In the movies and television I watch. In my dreams. But past them, past the horror is Savannah. She’ll reach out her hand and pull me back to my reality. A reality where I have a kind of Mom in the shape of Janis. Who thinks that me, ME, marrying her daughter is a wonderful idea. 

“Look...” I get glared at by two sets of very similar eyes “... you don’t have to do this... now” 

“No... I’m here and as much as I love spending time with my child and... you... Bucky... this has to happen, I want to go back to my van... I was thinking about getting it shipped to Australia” 

“...and you were going to tell me when?” 

“... pot... kettle Savannah... allergic reaction... moved in boyfriend and whatever happened with the food in the refrigerator...” 

“Ladies... please.... Janis... you’ve always known he was... not dead... haven’t you rehearsed what you wanted to say in this kind of... event...” 

“Not since she was a teenager... not since she became stubbornly independent and didn’t need me or anyone else... and since then... any... romantic feelings I harboured towards him... aren’t there anymore... because of... other people” 

“Mom had a hoe phase” 

“Says you... from twenty to twenty five you got engaged THREE times...” 

“I THOUGHT I was in love” 

“You were in lust and hadn’t worked it out yet... and you were terrified to admit you didn’t fit into a typical sexuality... so you were a hoe too... no shame Savannah” 

Wait, five years? She got engaged three times in five years and I’m not allowed to ask yet? Maybe that’s why she’s overly cautious. 

I lean over to her “You love me... right?” 

“What do you think?” 

“Not just... lust?” 

“Not the time Barnes” 

“Right... but is this why you won’t let me... ask” 

“JAMES” 

I sit back up “RIGHT...” 

“I’ll do it... I mean he left... me... you weren’t here yet and I want to know why he came to see you as opposed to trying to find ME... I mean anything could have happened to you... birth goes... wrong” 

“And it’s also entirely possible he thought something could’ve happened to you?” 

“Or he has some kind of Asgardian... link because you’re his child... linked by blood...” 

“You know the person who has the answers is a phone call away right?” glared at, again. 

“I’ll do it... I mean he came to see me? right?” 

She looks straight at me and I try to keep my laughter about the hair under control “Right” 

“Go on then...” 

“Maybe another minute... no.. no... I’m done thinking on this...” his number was already ‘punched in’ she just presses call and puts it on speaker, then she tosses the phone across the table as if it were a live grenade 

It picks up “This is Si...” all the colour drains from Janis’s face and for the first time since I’ve known her Savannah looks like her mouth has been sewn closed “...hello? I know someone’s there I can hear you breathing...” 

I look to Janis first, her mouth is open but no sound is coming out. Then to Savannah who’s frantically shaking her head. 

“Hello?” 

“Si... it’s erm...” 

“Hello James...” 

“Hi... sorry I’m erm... I here with... Savannah... and Janis” 

“Am I on speakerphone?” 

“Yes” 

“Hello ladies... I don’t blame you for... for being silent right now... James are they... well?” 

“Savannah has half yellow half blue hair and Janis wants to go to Australia in a van so it’s pretty much business as normal to be honest... I think... well I know they need... they have questions...” 

“I’m sure they do... I’m listening...” 

“Not over the phone SIMON... I think you owe me that much...” 

“Janis... oh my sweet thing... you sound the same... look at her Janis... look at what we made shes... perfect and she looks... oh she looks so much like my Mother...” 

A few tears have spilled on to Janis’s cheeks so I reach my hand across to hers and hold it “She’s incredibly stubborn... much like you” 

“I am here” 

“Of course you are... and your mother is right, over the phone is not the way to do this...” 

“We have a place... for you all to meet... if you’re agreeable?” 

“Of course James...” 

“I can text you the details?” 

“Please... for now good evening... ladies... James” 

The line disconnects. Everyone... relaxes. 

“Mom?” 

“I’m alright... I’m... aright” she lets go of my hand and wipes away her tears “... it was a shock... I’m gonna... I’m gonna take Hopper out...” 

The puppy had been laid between sets of feet under the table for the past three hours, not moving. Not whining, not wanting to go out, just laid. So the moment Janis moves he does too and they’re out the door less than five minutes later. 

“I should go finish my hair...” Savannah gets up from the table and heads to the bathroom, not a glance backwards before the door closes. 

I text Si, tell him when and where, Stark tower tomorrow morning. He replies with a simple ‘I’ll be there’. I call Steve and catch him up. 

I have... enhanced hearing. It’s not... I can’t hear a conversation from miles away but I can pick out singular voices in a crowded room. Mostly it’s a redundant part of me, I don’t really have a need for it and I mean I don’t really want to hear other people so clearly all the time so I’ve learnt to ignore it. But Savannah... Savannah her... sounds... I can’t tune out. The bathroom door may be closed and she’s doing her best to hide it from me but I know she’s crying. 

When I open the door she’s sitting on the floor with her back against the tub, the hair dye bowl beside her filled with blue dye and the brush. I’m not a hairdresser but I’ve seen those Brad guy videos on youtube. I can do this.

“Sit on the toilet...” 

“What?” 

She looks up at me for the first time since I entered the room, I flip the toilet lid closed “... come... sit... want me to help you up?”

She shakes her head, heaves herself of the floor and shuffles over to me. Once she’s sat down I grab the bowl from the floor and start painting everywhere on her head that’s yellow with the blue dye. Thirty seconds and two brush strokes later I realise I should’ve worn gloves. At least it’s blue and one of my hands is already blue? 

“My Mom cried”

“You know... I have this memory... I don’t know... I mean I can’t... but it’s in my head and I’m on the street and Steve’s there and he’s got this look on his face like... like he saw a ghost... like his brain can’t quite work out what’s going on... and that... that’s the look your Mom had... it’s... this is a lot for anyone to deal with... a few tears... I wouldn’t expect otherwise...”

“My Mom never cries”

“So... stubbornness from... him... no crying from Mom? Are there gloves in here?”

“Under the sink”

“Hold this...” I put the bowl into her hands and get some gloves, they’re a little small for me but I don’t want to remeet my future father in law when I’ve got two blue hands “... I hope I’m doing this right... but you can’t go see... him with... well mad hair... I’ve been trying so hard not to laugh and I always think you’re beautiful even that time you had green teeth from that weird Japanese candy but this... makes you look a bit... crazy and you’re not... you’re gonna face him down with really good hair...the best I can do it anyway... should I... perhaps I should dye my hair?” 

She sniffles and rubs her nose with the palm of her hand “... you’ve never before?” 

“Nope... women dyed their hair before I went to war... but men? No... I’m fairly sure Stevie gets his hair dyed I mean not because he’s gone grey but trust me... that is NOT his natural hair colour... or maybe it’s my memory, maybe I remember him having different hair... I have covered all the yellow now what?” 

“You don’t have to do this” 

“If you tell anyone that I am immensely enjoying myself right now we are gonna fall out... so now...” 

“Down to the ends...” 

“With the brush?”

“Mostly I just use my hands” 

“Ok then...” I scoop the dye out using my fingers and try to cover the rest of her hair with it. She has so much hair, did she always have this much hair? “... you have a lot of hair...” 

“That’s why I buy a lot of dye...”

“Dammit...I got in on your ear... hang on” there’s a pack up face wipes on the shelf above the sink so I grab them and try and mop up as best I can before I care on “... I think it might be helpful if you and your Mom wrote down some questions you want answered...” 

“Yeah...” 

“I’m back...” I hear Janis’s voice and footsteps followed by puppy paws tapping into the apartment “... sorry about that... are you...” she’s stopped in the bathroom doorway “... well... this is... codependency?” 

“I’ve never done this before...” 

“Well don’t let me stop you... come on pup... don’t go in there you’ll end up blue too...” 

When there’s no more dye left in the bowl I help Savannah wrap her head in Saran Wrap and we sit around the table once again so they can write questions out. The main one being ‘why?’. I don’t help with the dye rinsing. Mainly because I’m eating. Janis makes me a quesadilla after she tells me she can’t listen to my stomach rumble anymore. I was doing my best to stop it from rumbling but I don’t have the distraction of a ‘not dead Dad’ to stop me realising I haven’t eaten since lunchtime. 

“Is there an alarm code I need to know Bucky?” 

“What for?” I’ve got a plate of food in front of me and Janis is slipping her coat on 

“For the shop?” 

“Oh... erm... I’d rather you slept here? I’ll take the couch... you and Savannah take the bed... just in case... it would make me feel... easier” 

“Oh... if you’re... sure?” 

“I am” 

“Sure about what?” 

Savannah’s out of the bathroom, towel wrapped around her head, it’s a... it’s a towel in the shape of a very well known shield that Tony had made as part of a gift bag at said shield owners birthday party. 

“Your beloved is going to take the couch...”

“Buck... you don’t have to do that...” 

“It’s fine... I want us all here under one roof... JUST IN CASE...”

I find the sheets that were used in fort Christmas, I know I could blow up the air bed but it wouldn’t fit in the lounge and I don’t want to be downstairs and them upstairs. I’m sure... I am sure that nothing untoward is going to happen this is merely my paranoia. The couch isn’t so bad. What is kind of bad is me explaining why I have a gun, a gun that’s in the bedside table, and I need to get it before they go to bed. And when Savannah repeats my words of ‘it’s only a little gun’ to her Mom I realise why she freaked out when I said it to her. 

Hopper goes in the bedroom. Alpine curls up in the armchair. I lay awake in the dark listening not to their conversation because that’s private, I wait to hear the sounds of sleep. The edge I’m feeling will be soothed partially by the sound of their sleep. Janis is first, but I never hear Savannah’s. She’s probably laying awake in there staring at the ceiling. Should’ve given her a sleeping pill to help, she’s probably over clenching her jaw so she’ll start to hurt soon. 

There’s a groove, on the dumb falling apart couch, it’s where the cushions on the base meet the cushions on the back. It’s shaped like her. She’s told me how sad it’ll be to say goodbye to this couch, for many reasons, but mainly because of her groove. She worked hard on that groove. Years of laying binge watching television box sets instead of socialising. She’s dragged this couch, this dumb wonderful full of memories couch from place to place with her for the past decade. And it wasn’t new when she got it. I’m gonna take it to pieces see what secrets it hides. Plus I think I lost a knife... just a small one... down the back. 

I must’ve drifted off, probably thinking about my lost knife, because I wake as a warm body slips into the groove. The groove on the dumb falling apart couch. The groove that’s the only way two people can lay on the couch. 

“Couldn’t sleep?” 

“Nope...” 

I kiss the top of her head “Your Mom?” 

“Has always had the ability to fall asleep anywhere while anything is happening” 

“Puppy?” 

“Pushed me off the bed as he stretched out” 

“... the butthead” 

“What if he doesn’t like me?” 

“What?” 

“What if he thinks I’m a... failure?” 

“Savannah...”

“Regrets... everything... even meeting my Mom?”

“Savannah Daisy Rogers... you are... you are in no way a failure... and everyone... EVERY ONE likes you... even Nat the scary Russian spy... Wanda the... science experiment who’s been hurt by so many people... Jed LOVES you... even Tony Stark who notoriously likes no one, doesn’t even like me ADORES you... if your Dad doesn’t like you which I feel is highly unlikely you live in a world with more than enough people who do... and why would you think you’re a failure?” 

“I don’t know...” it’s barely a whisper 

“If it was me what would you say? If it was me in your position what would you tell me if I said I was a failure...” 

“That you weren’t but we are hardly comparable...” 

“True... ok... listen... you have your own business... a SUCCESSFUL business... you OWN this building... and you have a happy healthy functioning relationship... so alright your beau might be not... average or usual” she elbows me in my ribs “... HEY” 

“Thank you...” 

“What for?” 

“Taking care of me... and my Mom... dyeing my hair... sleeping on the couch...” 

“Well I mean it makes a change that it’s not me causing the disasters to be honest” this time it’s a kick to the shin “... you know what Rogers... I’m kind enough to share my couch... and this is the thanks I get?” 

“Whose couch?” 

“Try and sleep... you want me to sing to you... cherry... cherry baby...” Alpine lets out a very loud meow as I sing “... maybe not... just... let’s list your favourite sex positions” 

“On a cramped falling apart couch with my Mom sleeping close by?”

“Yeah... you’d probably make it to number three before I had my hands down your pants...” far too many images flash through my mind of all the times we’ve rocked this couch, I pour a mental bucket of ice over myself 

“Buck?”

“Yeah just...” I shuffle myself and manipulate her into being the little spoon as her hand was way too close to the waistband of my own pants “... that’s better”

“You’re poking me” 

“I can’t help it” 

“You’re the one who said sex positions” 

“Please don’t say sex... it’ll... go away... unless... no... nope... sorry thinking with my dick... not the time” She giggles and I feel her boobs bounce against my arm that’s wrapped underneath her “... keep still... please” she pushes her butt back into my crotch “... not... helping...” 

“Just getting comfy”

“Uh huh” 

“Tell me something boring to help me sleep... tell me about sizes of screws” 

“For fuck’s sake Savannah...” 

“What... oh... sorry... sizes of... what are those things with the holes?”

“Why is everything you say pornographic?” 

“It’s not... you just have a filthy mind... a very... very... dirty...” I clamp my metal hand over her mouth, knowing that she won’t bite or lick these fingers... I hope 

“The... the spanner was first used in the fifteenth century did you know that?” She shakes her head “... now you can get basin tap spanners... combination spanners they’re my favourite... pin spanners... ratchet spanners...” her body starts to relax in my arms and I release my hand from covering her mouth ... “a flex head spanner...” I hear her lips smack together “... then there’s wrenches they’re very different to spanners no matter what anyone says... oh I forget spark plug spanner how could I forget a spark plug spanner they’re the most important ones to me.. not my favourite though...” her body relaxes further any tension she was holding in her shoulders disparates and she slumps further into me “... good night rainbow girl”


	51. Cats in the cradle

I wake up in the couch groove. Smooshed right into the couch groove. Literally being smothered by Bucky, he’s clinging to me like a koala. His chest is pressed right into my back. And his goddam metal arm has cut off the blood supply to MY arm where it’s laid like a dead weight on top of me. But this isn’t what wakes me up. What wakes me up is someone shuffling round in the kitchen and it’s not my Mom. 

I hear Hopper scratching at the bedroom door, whining and yet Bucky is still sleeping.

“Buck...” says a very familiar voice 

“Sleeping....” mumbles a voice into my hair 

“Savannah...” 

“Steve why are you in my apartment...” 

“Well right now I’m making coffee and can’t find the filters” 

“They’re in the drawer next to the refrigerator pal...” Bucky’s limbs constrict around my body “... I’m so comfy” 

“I can’t feel my arm... Steve can you let the puppy out of the bedroom?” I can’t see him all I can see is the back of the couch, I can hear him though and I can hear as the door opens and the puppy comes hurtling out and jumps on to the couch on top of me and on top of Bucky “...alright pup” 

“Ugggghhhh” 

“Morning Captain to what do we owe the pleasure?” Oh thank god Mom is up, maybe she can save me from being crushed by my beloved “Savannah you ok down there?” 

“I’m just... wonderful... Bucky...” 

“Yup... yup...” he still doesn’t move, not one inch 

“Hopper... down... come on...” the weight of the puppy lifts from my body at Mom’s call “... I’ll take the baby out to pee... Steve deal with... the tangle on the couch...” 

“Yes ma’am...” I hear her footsteps receding along with the tip tap of Hopper’s paws following her “... Buck...” Steve must be shaking Bucky’s shoulder because I’m moving too “... come on... big day... Buck... don’t think I’m above what I’m about to do because I’m not” suddenly the heat of his body against mine is torn away, the constriction of his limbs tangled around mine is gone and there’s a loud crash. 

“Fuckass...” 

Finally I can move, even though my arm isn’t cooperating so much with my brain right now, I manage to turn, well peel my face away from being stuck to the couch. Bucky’s on the floor looking slightly pissed and Steve is stood over him. 

“Worked when you were a kid... still works now...”

“I was comfortable...” 

“Uh huh...” 

“Steve why are you in my apartment?”

“OUR apartment...” Bucky’s off the floor and making his way towards the coffee “... and yes why are you here?” 

“We should wait for Janis...” 

“Spit it out Steve...” I’m in a sitting position now quite aware I’m wearing my dinosaur pyjamas and that Bucky is in a Chewbacca onesie 

“Dad... your Dad got arrested... last night by SHIELD for handling stolen goods” 

“Fantastic” 

“Stolen goods? A bit dramatic for SHIELD to involve themselves?” Bucky’s leant against the kitchen counter, yawning 

“Normally yes but these were... not goods from... Earth” 

“Even better... I’m going to get dressed... you...” I point to Steve as I stand up on shaking legs “...can tell the mother... you...” I point to Bucky “...love you”

“Love you too Doll” 

I grab an outfit from my bedroom and head to the bathroom. But not even the sound of the running shower pouring over my head can prevent me from hearing my Mom’s exclamation when Steve tells her what’s happened. Arrested. Wonderful. No not just any old arrested, arrested by SHIELD. The organisation that basically deals with threats from OUTER SPACE. Great. Superb. 

Also great but not really is three people trying to share one bathroom. I’m going to call an architect I’m going to have this building ripped to pieces and we’re having an en suite put it. My eyeliner goes wrong when Bucky hammers on the door because he needs to pee. And we are not at that stage of our relationship yet. So I do without my wings and Bucky gets to pee in peace. 

We don’t rush our journey to the Tower. There’s no point, not when the person we’re going there to see is incarcerated and can’t go anywhere. Steve drives, Bucky shotgun and me and Mom in the back, it’s a huge SUV with bullet proof glass because that’s what you get for a vehicle when you’re Captain America. It’s like a soccer Mom car on steroids. It’s fucking comfortable though, my legs aren’t cramped. Which is good because they’re jiggling around with nerves. 

Bucky makes Steve stop for Dunkin because of course he does, and I’m forced to try and eat something. A croissant. I pick at it but it remains pretty much uneaten by the time we pull into the parking level. 

Agent Coulson is waiting for us there. 

“Good Morning Miss Rogers... Ms Rogers my name is Agent Coulson I’m a SHIELD agent... I’m the agent who brought in Mr Magnussen... I just want you to know he’s been incredibly cooperative with our questioning... and at this point in time we won’t be pressing any charges...”

“Not like you to make mistakes Coulson” 

“It wasn’t a mistake Captain Rogers... Mr Magnussen is in possession of some artefacts that were reported as missing... but everything checks out... so... he is waiting for you on the medical level”

“Is something wrong with him?” I can see my Mom’s brain cogs turning, thinking is this why he came back? 

“No not at all... Mr Stark requested your meeting take places in one of the suites on that level... so he could and I quote ‘keep an eye’ on it all” 

“He means the therapy rooms Sav... they have... like a two way mirror but it’s a wall... they used them when I was first brought in they can monitor heart rates and brain waves without having things stuck to you...” 

“Oh...” I had no idea they had such a thing but I mean of course they do... it’s Stark Tower

“Good work on remembering there Buck...” Steve gives him a slap on the back “... ladies shall we?”

We leave Coulson in the garage, I assumed he’d being coming with us but I guess not. When we get to the medical level my Mom steps away from me and Bucky after Steve silently motions for her to do so. 

“You’re not coming in with us?” 

“No... this is a journey you need to take alone well with your Mom... you know what I mean... but I am staying close by... and so is America’s Ass and I’m sure Stark or one of his minions is too... so... ready?”

“Nope...” 

“Look at me” he lifts my chin so I’m looking him in the eye “... just see what he wants... after this if you don’t want to you never have to see him again... give him hell ok?” 

“Ok”

“Good girl...” he kisses the end of my nose, spins me around and slaps my ass so hard I lurch forward “... go get em” 

“We need another bathroom...” 

“I know... but right now you need to go through that door” 

When I turn back he’s gone, Steve’s gone too, there’s just me and my Mom standing in front of a closed door. And he’s on the other side. 

“We don’t have to do this Mom...”

“You don’t... I do... are you coming?” 

“Yes...” 

“Good...” she turns to me and gives me her best ‘this is going to be fine but I’m lying’ smile then turns the handle and opens the door. 

The room is like the other therapy rooms, beige, two armchairs one couch totally nondescript. There’s one exception, it’s got the floor to ceiling windows like Bucky’s room did. Which is where he’s stood. Looking out over the city. His back to us. 

Mom closes the door behind us and we freeze. It seems like an eternity but in reality it’s probably less than a minute. 

“Ladies...” he’s still facing away from us, like a coward “... it’s been a long night...” 

“It’s been a long TIME Simon”

He turns to face us and I have to catch my Mom as she stumbles backwards “Janis... Savannah... shall we sit down” My body moves on autopilot, sitting down in one of the armchairs, Mom sits in the other and he takes the couch “... it’s so good to see you Janis... you look...”

“Old?” 

He smiles and it’s like looking in a mirror “I was going to say demure...”

“You look... the same... but then you’re not the one who brought up A CHILD BY THEMSELVES... I WENT THROUGH BIRTH WITHOUT YOU... SHE SCREAMED FOR MONTHS AND...” she takes a deep breath “... I refuse to shout... I refuse...” my Mom brushes herself off and calms down but only slightly 

“I imagine you have questions... I can assure you I have answers... but first you’re both... I mean... life has been...” 

“Just fine without a father” 

“Savannah...” my Mom looks at me dead in the eye 

“She told me you were dead” 

“Excuse me?” he tilts his head towards us 

“I said until the first of January this year I believed you died before I was born...” 

He looks... wounded “Janis?” 

“Your parents... they thought it was for the best... so... why now? I think that’s a good place to start” 

“I became... aware of Savannah’s... of the company that she’d been keeping... that she’d travelled to Asgard... I wasn’t concerned but then my... source told me that when Savannah had experienced the wine... and seemed to have no idea as to why it was happening to her... so if you believed me deceased you had no idea of your heritage?” 

“No” 

“She showed no signs... none... I raised her as totally human... to her your parents were Scandinavian not Asgardian”

“I see... wow well...” 

“So wait... your concern wasn’t that I was in Asgard?” 

“No... you are Asgardian... it is your... right to be there but when I was told about your amore’s concern as to why you were ‘shining like a star and floating’ I realised there was a possibility you had no idea who you were so... here I am to help you... explore your... heritage...”

“And you’ve never thought to check in on her? To make sure she wasn’t... magic before?”

“Janis...” he sighs and leans forward, elbows on his knees, I mean I get why my Mom would fall for him, tall dark handsome brooding, not unlike Bucky “...before I... before my family came to Earth but after we left Asgard we moved around... different realms... different planets and as a young man I took something... something that didn’t belong to me... I thought nothing on it for centuries... then the day I... well vanished I suppose I was... caught... by the owner of what I took” 

“What did you take?” Mom looks like she’s realising she never even knew him 

“It’s not of importance right now... but caught I was... and I was given a choice... I could work to ‘repay’ my crime or... my parents and you and the baby you were carrying would be... I believe ‘terminated’ was the word used... so I went with them... and that’s where I’ve been ever since... repaying my debt... by... well by stealing... the owner of what I took is... well WAS a collector of... artefacts, oddities from all over the universe... and my... skills... the skill I used to take what I did originally were of use to him...” 

Mom scoffs “So you’re on the run?”

“No... about six months ago... well six Earth months ago there was an accident... something he’d ‘collected’ exploded... my captor was killed... and I was free... with him gone the threat on your lives was over and I returned” 

“Your parents though...” 

“I know... even though I have been... literal light years away I did learn of their passing... I did learn you’d safely delivered a baby girl... and Janis... you called her Savannah?”

“Was she not supposed to?”

He’s smiles again “We agreed on Estrid...” 

“Well I chose Savannah... you said my bump looked like a peach... so Savannah...”

“Did you give me the money?” 

“Yes...” 

“But...” 

He cuts me off “I’m a thief... a good one... just because I got caught once there were many times I didn’t... the money... it was an insurance policy I left with a dear friend of mine... that when you were coming towards your thirty fifth birthday had I not returned the to track you down... you and your Mom cash in the policy and come up with a believable story... so that you would take the money...” 

“Thirty five seems a random age...” I’m hit with a wave of realisation “...oh god... everything I own is... stolen” 

“Hundreds of years ago Savannah... I assure you... laws didn’t exist... it was... ‘finders keepers’ I was just exceptionally skilled at ‘finding’... and as for thirty five I figured by then you’d not waste it on juvenile things... and you bought property with it... a wise choice...”

“You’ve been back for SIX MONTHS?” I’m glad Mom is as angry as I am 

“Yes... it... Earth has changed so much since I left... it took me a while to... readjust... plus I didn’t want to just... arrive without... well with only the clothes on my back I wanted to become... a person not a prisoner before I came to find you... had Savannah not travelled to Asgard it might have taken me longer to make contact... this is... overwhelmingly terrifying... but I knew she would have questions... and I believe I’m the right person to answer them...”

“And you got arrested last night because?” Mom’s sat forward again as she speaks 

“Ahhh a misunderstanding... SHIELD... they are... not so bothered by people coming to Earth so long as they are non threatening... what they bring with them can be a problem... I had an artefact in my possession that was reported stolen a long time ago... I hadn’t stolen it, but I did take it from the collector before I left... and I’m assuming that Savannah will have contacted... the authorities at her disposal to inform them of my return which meant they were watching me... I took it to be valued and was arrested for ‘possession of stolen goods’ but all is forgiven...” 

“And now?” 

“I’m here?” 

“No Simon... what are you going to do with your life on Earth?” 

“Oh... well I have a storage unit... and once I’ve emptied it of my OWN collection... for the right price obviously I will go through with my original plan... open a restaurant, maybe not in the village though... and help... my child with her Asgardian heritage...” 

“What if I don’t want you to?” 

“That’s up to you Savannah... I’m here... I’m not far... in physical distance... I want the chance to get to know you... you’re fascinating... a tattooist with a... James? Yes I know all about him... you are a success... all of which you’ve done without a father... I’m... curious” 

“I’m not a fucking oddity...” 

“Savannah... language...”

“Fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck... I am an adult... I will curse if I want to... and I am NOT an artefact that you can... I don’t know... value or appraise or whatever... fuck this...” 

“Sit DOWN” 

I was partially out of my chair but threw my butt back down. 

“So hot headed...”

“And stubborn... incredibly independent... smart... brilliant even... a true individual... but she’s right... she’s not a ‘fucking oddity’ for you to toy with... and I’m sorry you went through... what you did it... I imagine it was terrifying and yes you did it to save us but did you ever think ABOUT NOT STEALING IN THE FUCKING FIRST PLACE?” 

“Janis I am almost six hundred years old... do you know how much LIFE happens in six hundred years? because it’s A LOT... I had lived for over four average HUMAN lifetimes before I even met you...” 

I slap my palms to my knees “I’ve had enough...” 

“Savannah...” 

“No... I’ve had enough... I know now... I know why... and that’s enough for me, for today anyway... I think maybe you two should talk without me here... plus I’m hungry... and tired... and slightly hormonal so... Simon it was... yeah” 

“Sindre is my legal Earth name... I understand you can’t call me Dad...” 

“Fine” 

Without a backwards glance I pull the door open. Bucky’s stood outside waiting, offering his hand which I gladly take. 

“Come on...” 

He leads me by the hand in through the door next to the one I’ve just come out of. I can see into the room I just left, I can see so well it’s like I’m still in there. But there wasn’t a two way mirror, this is a two way wall. Because if course it is, it’s Stark Tower. There’s monitors upon monitors with a sea of information. A sea of information that’s being studied by Vision. 

“Miss Rogers...” 

“Vis... why are you...” 

“Here? Just to keep an eye on things... I have an extensive knowledge on the human psyche...”

“You did good Little Rogers” 

Steve was hidden in shadow at the back of the room “Little Rogers? That’s how it is?”

“Oh that’s how it is...” 

“They’re just... staring at each other...” it had gone quiet since I left the room, and an intense stare off was taking place 

“You are so much like him...” I glare at Bucky and by glare I mean ‘if looks could kill’ glare “... sorry... inappropriate?” 

“Right now Barnes? Yes” he kisses my temple 

“Do you remember when...” I hear my Dad’s voice as clear as if I was still in the room with him

“I’m not here for a walk down memory lane Si I’m here to support my... our daughter... you’ve said your piece, answered the questions I wanted answered... and now it’s up to her if she wants to know you, if she wants your help to walk down this path that’s up to her... but as for you and I... it’s done”

“I was a captive Janis... I had no choice...”

“And I sympathise... but I have lived without you as a presence in my life for over thirty years... I thank you for the... insurance policy... it’s given me the opportunity to... travel but that’s it... I’m done” she repeats my movements, hands to her knees and stands up, swiftly exiting the room without looking back. 

I guess we’re done.


	52. I did it all for the nookie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Farmor and Farfar are the Scandinavian terms for grandparents, it literally means ‘father’s mother’ and ‘father’s father’ unless they’re your Moms parents and the they’d be Mormor and Morfar.

“As much as I love... as much as I love when you... when you tackle me and remove my pants... especially... ESPECIALLY when it’s because you’re about to fuck me... Savannah... you’re using sex as a distraction” 

“Well duh... it’s only taken you a week to figure that out? I thought you were smart?” 

“Oh I’m smart... I’m also... covered in my own cum... on the floor of my workshop on a plastic sheet...”

“My Mom is at our apartment...” 

“Usually I’d accept that as a valid reason but Doll... you gotta deal with this...”

“I dealt with it I saw him...” 

“I know you did... but neither you nor your Mom has said anything about it since you walked out the therapy room... I can’t have a conversation about your Mom when I’m half naked and did I say covered in my own cum?” 

“You moved” 

“My dick slipped at an unfortunate moment...” 

“See it’s your own fault...” 

“No it’s the sheet... it’s like trying to fuck on a slip n slide... but it still doesn’t explain why my cum went upwards...” 

“So you got a face full of cum... now you know how that feels...”

“Cold and slimy” 

“You must’ve aimed your dick upwards” 

“I was trying to put it back in... why are there no... things I can wipe my face with?”

“Here...” 

“This has oil on...” 

“Pick your poison Bucko... oil or cum” 

“I pick shower?” 

“Are there towels?” 

“Yes...” 

There weren’t. Not one. There was however an unopened set of bed sheets. So I’m now standing in the bathroom of the studio apartment wrapped in a black cotton bed sheet trying to get dry. I’m not happy, I mean I didn’t get covered in cum why did I have to shower? So I got some dirt on my knees from being on all fours... no one would’ve seen it. I could’ve put my jeans back on and no one would’ve been any wiser. And it wasn’t even as if I got cum on me at all, because it would seem that snipers have terrible aim with their dicks, guns? Amazing, dicks? Good job they don’t fire bullets... 

He’s right though. I am avoiding the Dad topic. But it’s not just me, it’s Mom too. And she’s still here. Why is she still here? Why is my family incapable of discussing... feelings?

“Ready to talk about it yet?” Bucky aka the traitor is standing in the doorway, now cum free, and dressed. I stayed under the spray a bit longer, relishing being able to without someone banging on the door.

“Take your pants off...” 

“Nope... I am hereby implementing a dick ban until you have talked to your Mom about what happened in that room AND until you have at least talked to HIM about the book” 

“If I talk to my Mom... then can oral sex and hand jobs come back? full penetration after I’ve dealt with the... book?” 

“That’s a whole lot of dirty words...” I raise my brows “... but nope no deal... I know you...” he walks over to me and does that super annoying but incredibly romantic thing of holding the back of head when he talks to me, it’s like he scoops his hand into my hair and it no way makes me melt a little inside “... Savannah... intimately... and every time you get a thought you don’t want to deal with you do something to take your mind away from that thought... otherwise known as riding my dick... because as you’ve told me many times and very very loudly that when you do in fact ride my dick your brain shuts down because it’s all about the... pleasure... so... no dick... and if you start prancing around in those lace panties or bending over because you ‘dropped something’ in those jeans I swear I am moving back in here... now... I am going to go get the puppy and go hang out with bird boy for the evening... you are going to talk to your Mom... because just think... if you do... she’ll probably leave and we’ll get the apartment back to ourselves and get to fuck on softer surfaces” 

“I hate it when you’re right” 

“Uh huh that’s what I thought...” 

“I’ll find a builder too” 

“Yes now we’re talking... you’re on a roll... a roll...” 

“You know... seeing as it’s ‘our’ apartment... you... and do not make me regret this... you wanna help remodel it?” 

“Are you serious?” 

“Yeah... part of the middle floor will still be taken up with Kirby Dots... but I thought maybe we put our bedroom down there too?” 

“We could live here while it’s done?” 

“Yep... I’d work out of another studio while it all... happened” 

“I love you...” 

“Take off your pants...” 

“Go talk to your Mom” he kisses me on the end of the nose and walks away “... lock the door on your way out? I’m already late...”

“Don’t... get arrested?” 

“Can’t promise you...” 

I lock up his shop, which I have keys for now, after the... incident. I wave to Jed who’s sat on a stool looking adoringly at Bryan behind the counter in the bean. I let my brain think on their approaching wedding going through a mental wedding check list as I walk but all too quickly I’m walking up the stairs leading to ‘home’. I guess it’s not mine or his or ours, home is now the best way to describe it. 

Mom’s on the couch, the dumb falling apart couch that there’s no point in replacing until we’ve rebuilt ‘home’. Maybe one day we won’t live here, maybe we’ll live in the ‘burbs with loads of nieces and nephews visiting because the way Steve goes at it there’s bound to be an army of mini Rogers somewhere. 

“Hey...” 

“Your beloved came and took the puppy and said he was going to see a bird?” 

“Sam... he calls him Bird Boy because of his wings” 

“I’ll ask this once... actual wings?” 

“Mechanical” 

“But attached like Bucky’s arm?” 

“No totally detachable” 

“Ahhhh... so we should... talk... because as much as I love being here... I want to get back on the road, being stationary suits you... me these days not so much” 

“Right...” I sit down next to her on the couch, the dumb falling apart couch “...are you... ok?”

“Are you?”

“I asked first” 

Alpine jumps up between us and stretches herself out between us, so she’s touching both of us. 

“Right... I’m... it was a shock... I knew deep down there was a possibility the day would come... that he’d come back but it was still a shock... he hasn’t aged... not one bit and I have and that pisses me off... and I’m worried oh I’m so worried that you’ll develop a relationship with him and not need me anymore not that you have in a long long time or that you get to know him get to love him because believe me he is charming but then he vanishes again and you’ll have to feel what I felt when he left... and you Savannah are not the greatest at dealing with your emotions... you bottle it up and then when it gets too much you self-destruct and I don’t want him to be the cause of that... ever” 

“You don’t have to babysit me I am a grownup” 

“And you don’t have to be so defensive when your mother shows concern for your emotional wellbeing” 

My nostrils flares as I sigh “... I know you’re worried... I’m worried... I mean I’ve done good so far without him... but I do want to know more... even though it probably won’t especially impact my life because why do I need... magical powers?” 

She laughs “... true... but I’m your Mom, I’m kind of allowed to worry...” 

“He’ll never replace you... you are... Mom... he is... a stranger” 

“You’ll be ok if I leave?” 

“I’ll manage... do you wanna shout at him some more before you go?” 

“Nah... you realise I’ve been sticking around because I’ve been waiting for you to... I don’t know emotionally explode... but you’ve gotten... boring” 

“Or I have a stable influence?” 

“He is almost a hundred years old, and doesn’t have all of his limbs, and sometimes can’t remember yesterday... but as far as influences go... he’s a good one... BUT... I’ll say this last thing and then we are done with the emotions... maybe you could expand YOUR friendship circle... ask... the pretty girl with the red hair... not the scary one... if she’d like to go see a movie... gossip about boys...” 

“Mom I’m in my thirties I’m not going to start gossiping about boys now when I have made it this far without” 

“I don’t know what young people talk about” 

“I’m sure I’ll find something...” 

“Good” 

“You’ll be back for Jed’s wedding?” 

“Of course... I am his place holder Mom remember? I mean WHO in the twenty first century disowns their child because of their sexuality? Ridiculous... I’m gonna go see Rhodey...” 

“Now?” 

“Now... you’ve had enough of me” 

“Why is everyone abandoning me this evening?” 

“Well if you had more ‘friends’ you wouldn’t feel abandoned...” 

“I was joking” 

“I know... call him... do all the... big things in one day... well evening”

She’s off the couch and out of the building in less than five minutes. I spend another thirty sitting at the dining room table staring at my phone. It’s like last week but a little worse. Because this time I’m alone. And even after protesting to both Mom and boyfriend that I am an adult and don’t need supervision I could really use some supervision right now. 

Stop over thinking this. 

Do it for the dick. 

The dick is worth it. 

Even if it means dealing with a dick that’s not of the pleasurable variety. 

“This is Si...” why does he answer his phone so quickly, does he not know twenty first century phone etiquette of never answering, then googling the number to see if you need to call back “...hello?” 

For the dick. 

“Hi... it’s...” 

“Hello Savannah” 

“Hi so I found this book in a box, with Farmor and Farfar’s stuff that Mom kept and it’s a huge old book but it’s not in Norse it’s in a language I’ve not seen before so I assume it’s Asgardian? Anyway Pepper... erm Miss Potts she gave me the email address of Asgard’s like librarian or historian to talk to them about it but even through Asgard is now you know connected to wifi they’re a little slow so I figured I’d ask you...” 

“Do you always talk so fast?” 

“If I don’t get all the information out quickly I get... distracted” 

“Well yes I can help you with your... book... although if it’s the book I’m thinking of it’s not of earth shattering importance... but being able to read and speak your... the language of your ancestors could open many doors for you... I can give you my email address?” 

“Why?” 

“So you can send photos?” 

“Of what?” 

“The book Savannah...” 

“Oh well... I’d rather... meet face to face if you’re... if you would...” 

“I’d like that very much” 

“There’s a coffee shop called the Brooklyn Bean I can text you the address, but it won’t be for a couple of days as I’ve got back to back appointments...” 

“Of course you do you’re a success... I’ll look forward to hearing from you” 

He hangs up. 

I’m alone. I’m home alone with nothing to do. What did I used to do? The apartment feels incredibly empty. When Mom would come visit then go it would feel empty for a couple of hours after she left each time but this is... different. No don’t think on the sads. You are home alone. There is no one here. No one. They’re on dates of the friend and romantic variety and I’m not sure which is which. Because Bucky one hundred percent has a guy crush on Sam, it’s why he bickers with him so much. And who knows what’s going on with my Mom and Rhodey, don’t wanna think about it yet also wanna point out how much she freaked when she thought I was dating an Avenger. Bucky is Avenger ADJACENT. Rhodey is very much on the A Team. 

The Father drama is over, kind of. This should be a cause for celebration. Do I want to celebrate alone? Yes I do. It’s my achievement. I met a hurdle and I dealt with it head on. And by giving head. But that’s not of importance. 

I’m opening the cupboard. 

It’s not just for heartbreak. 

Can’t be hungover tomorrow though. 

Weed it is. Just one blunt. Out the window. 

It’s a clear night. I can see the stars as I perch halfway in the apartment halfway out in the fire escape and well... smoke it up. 

This is strong did I roll it? 

Why is my Jeep not in the alleyway? The dumb stupid life altering alleyway. He took my Jeep. That bastard. And while I appreciate he couldn’t take Hopper to Manhattan on his bike (I have vetoed the sidecar idea fiercely, on MANY occasions) he could’ve ASKED before he took the keys. 

This blunt is... STRONG. 

It’s doing the trick though. 

It’s super quiet in here. 

“Alexa... play my chill out playlist” 

“Playing Little Rogers chill out playlist on Apple Music” 

He changed my Alexa to call me Little Rogers? I guess I changed his to call him Tin Man. And to play the Frozen soundtrack at random times of the day. So, evens. 

I think half of this blunt is enough so I dot it out. The soft sounds of Tori Amos floats over the apartment as I lay down on the dumb falling apart couch. In my groove. Literally. 

I lay and listen to the music, to the gentle hum of Brooklyn outside. Stare at the ceiling, watching the dust and lint gracefully spin in the air under the lights. I can’t remember when I last felt this calm? This last year... well since I found him out there in the dumb alley it’s been... A LOT. Would have I changed any of it? Hell no. But it’s certainly not been good on the anxiety. 

I start thinking forwards, and not just tomorrow or next week. I start thinking long term. I start envisioning how to take apart and rebuild this place. How to continue to build a life with him. With Bucky. 

Bucky who’s now standing over me and I can see right up his nose. And Hopper’s nose seeing as he’s in his arms. 

“Well hey there... how’s it going?” 

“You’ve only been gone an hour” 

“It’s after midnight...” 

“Oh...”

“Saw your Mom... yeah she ain’t coming back tonight” 

“Ewww” 

“But she said you ‘talked’” 

“We did... I can see up your nose” 

“Is there cum up there?” 

“I don’t know... probably... I called him too said I’d meet him in a couple of days with the book” 

“Well look at you dealing with your problems like an adult”

“I dunno about that I am pretty high right now” 

“I thought it smelt... like a... Sam told me hang on... like a Grateful Dead gig in here” 

“Do you even know who the Grateful Dead are?” 

“No... but I know old people used to get high at their gigs... so... seeing as Mom isn’t here... we can sleep in our bed, not smooshed into the couch” 

“I am at one with the couch” 

“I can see that... can I interest you in being one with the bed?” He’s putting Hopper in his crate 

“I’m too high for the dick” 

“I didn’t say at one with each other I said at one with the bed” 

“I love the dick” 

“Of which I am aware... but right now the dick is staying in dry dock... not sailing... in the sea” 

“Did you just compare my vagina to a large body of water?” 

“Yes?” 

“I’m flattered?” 

“I’ll flatten you into the mattress... come on...” he bends down and wriggles his arms underneath me and scoops me up as if I weigh nothing more than a bag of sugar “... do you want me to take your pants off?” 

I’m dumped down on the bed, I swear I sink into it like it’s a sponge “Yes...”

“Ok then...” I’m freed from my jeans and they’re tossed across the room somewhere. 

I hear the sound of him stripping off. Heavy boots hit the floor with a thud, zippers are undone, the soft rustle of his tshirt as it slightly catches his metal arm when he takes it off. His side of the bed dips and gravity pulls me towards him. 

“Spoon...”

“Obviously” 

I’m pulled into my sleep position, I have to admit, it is comfier than the couch. Especially because bed spoons means metal arm is under me, under a pillow, not on top of me. 

“Buck?” 

“Sav?” 

“So comfy...” 

“Yeah me too” 

“We’re gonna make it aren’t we?” 

“Yeah Doll...” I’m held a little tighter “... we are”


	53. More than a feeling

“Hey doodlebug what ya do?” 

“Was that even English?” 

“Yes?” 

“I’m stretching...” 

“Yuh huh... well here’s the thing when ballerinas do that it’s using a barre not a kitchen counter... hey pup what’s your Momma doing huh? I’m gonna go wash up...” 

“You have a shower at your shop...” 

“I do but this is home... I like being home... so... I’ll leave you to... stretch...” he’s not closed the bathroom door, he never does when he showers it’s kinda annoying kinda endearing, but right now annoying as I know he’s still talking to me even though he’s in the shower which means I can’t properly hear what he’s saying “... I SAID WHY ARE YOU STRETCHING?” 

I don’t need to shout back because HIS hearing is above average, when he wants it to be, sometimes it’s selective “I did a double calf piece and I was cramped up for hours...” 

“Are you gonna shower before we go?” 

I’ve come to stand in the doorway, as when he shouts it’s kind of loud enough to be heard in Manhattan “Yes...” 

His soapy bubble covered head emerges round the curtain “... come in then...” 

“Buck...” 

“I won’t try and touch you up...” 

“I’ve got my period” 

“Like I care...” I try and tell him no but without using words but I don’t think it works “...do you know how many people have bled on me in my lifetime? INCLUDING you every time you shave your legs... come on... we’re wasting time...” 

“FINE” 

No blood is split. Mainly because I kick him out of the bathroom post shower, where he kept to his word and didn’t try and touch me up, well not much anyway. We haven’t got the time to fool around much anyway as it’s double date night. Fucking double date night. Who’s dumb idea was this? 

Mom has gone, flown the nest, with Rhodey. Well Rhodey ‘borrowed’ a jet and took her back to her van. She let me know she’d gotten back safely but I’ve not heard from her since. And I haven’t seen... him yet. I’ve been busy. Him I can put off, double date night I can’t. 

“You look beautiful...” we’re riding the subway, he loves it, I’m indifferent “... and you’re wearing the sneakers I bought you... I know those only come out on special occasions...” 

“I wanted to make a good impression” 

“Well I’m sure you’ll do that... do I look... ok?” 

“You’re not usually one for caring?” 

“I want to make a good impression too” 

“You always look good...” he really does, even when he’s wearing sweatpants and drooling into a pillow, he’s wearing his navy blue pea coat tonight and it makes me feel... things. He’s even put his smartest Converse on as opposed to his battered Vans or work boots he usually stomps around in “... oh god” 

“What?” 

“We look like hipsters” 

We do, we really do. All thrift store clothes, big coats and smart sneakers. I’ve had to put my blue light glasses on as my periods can give me migraines. Which just adds to the... look.

“I still don’t know what they are” 

“You’re wearing suspenders” 

“I used to wear them in the forties... just because they’re now fashionable again doesn’t mean I’m a... hamster” 

“Hipster” 

“Whatever...” the train comes to a halt, he’s up first holding his hand out to me “... come on... let’s go stuff our cheeks like actual hamsters...” 

The restaurant isn’t far from the station. It’s a Thai place with these private dining rooms upstairs. Jed got excited when I told him because apparently Beyonce has been here? And I mean if it’s good enough for the Queen... 

One of the reasons I love Bucky so much is that he hates this sort of place. If we eat out, which we do... even with the ‘let’s learn to cook’ deal, we go to places where it’s about the food not the ‘atmosphere’, places where the most expensive wine is thirty dollars and nachos are served in dinosaur shaped dishes. I know he prefers them because he can see all the exits, and all the people, he’ll never be able to let that go and I don’t mind one bit. 

MEANING he’s a little... on edge about this. 

“You... ok?” 

“Yeah...” we’ve come to a stop by the door to the restaurant “... you do the talking... please...” 

“Of course...” 

Being the gentleman he is though he opens the door and holds it for me to go inside. 

First thing he does is ‘scope’ how many voices can he hear? How many floors are there in this building? Where are the exits? And he’s doing it all while standing behind me smiling politely while I talk to the maitre de. 

“Hi... we’ve got a dining room booked... it’ll be under the name Rogers...” 

“Of course... the rest of the party has already arrived... if you’ll follow me...” 

I turn back to Bucky to make sure he’s ok before we go any further, if he shakes his head we’ll need a minute, if that’s the case we usually step outside smoke a tab and I’ll listen as he tells me everything he’s worried about and I’ll do my best to ease those worries. Thankfully tonight he smiles and nods meaning he feels safe. 

We follow her up a staircase where we see no other diners. Which is probably why this particular restaurant was chosen. 

Along a corridor we pass a few other doors before she gestures towards the one we’ll be going though. 

“Your server will be in shortly to take your drink orders” 

“Thank you...” she turns and walks away, Bucky’s got his hand on the door to push it open when I grab his wrist “... no...” 

“Savannah?” 

“I’ve got a...” 

“Feeling?” 

“Yeah...” 

“You REALLY need to talk to your Dad about this” 

“I know...” 

“Can you tell me what it’s about?” 

“Nope...” 

“I’m sure it’s nothing... you ok?” 

“Yup” I’m lying, I can feel a heavy knot in my stomach, something feels... weird. 

“Good” he kisses my cheek and pushes open the door “FUCKASS...” 

The room is beautiful. Wooden floors, huge windows, exposed beams in the ceiling. It looks nothing like any Thai restaurant I’ve ever been to but then I don’t often dine in Manhattan. Ever. There’s a large square table in the middle of the room which no one is sat at because they’re stood looking out a window but turn around at the sound of Bucky’s animated greeting. 

“Buck... Savannah... hello...” 

“Alright America’s Ass what’s up” 

Steve face palms and blushes “... Yeah...” he turns to the person at his side “... they’re Brooklyn through and through... Savannah... Bucky... this is Raven” 

“Hello...” she’s blonde, tall and blonde... she doesn’t have one of those model faces that’s all cheekbones and arched brows but she’s stunningly beautiful and I suddenly feel like a troll “... I’ve been so looking forward to meeting you... I’ve heard... a lot... about both of you” 

“It’s all lies... or it’s all true and I can’t remember it... I’ve got a broken brain” 

“Shall we... sit?” 

Ever the gentleman Bucky helps me out of my coat and hangs it up along with his own on a rack by the door. I sit opposite Steve. Mainly because Bucky likes me to be at his right and I want him to feel comfortable so I don’t argue about where to sit.

“So how long have you two been fucking?” We’ve barely put our butts in chairs 

“BUCKY” 

“Inappropriate?” 

“Yeah... I’m sorry about him... he lacks... filter... how did you two meet?” 

Steve takes her hand and looks at her all heart eyes. Which... huh... not seen that before.

“Raven is a teacher at a... special school where I have been... helping out” 

“A teacher? Wow... I could never... what subject?” 

“Well it’s not a traditional school so... subjects aren’t... structured... and you are a tattooist?” 

“Yeah...” there’s a lull and everyone looks at me “... sorry that’s usually when someone pulls out a blurred old piece of ink and asks me if I can fix it” 

“She’s really good...” 

“Nope no ink... but I like yours... it’s so... colourful” 

“She’s a rainbow...” and right now my face is bright red thanks Buck. 

A server comes in to take drinks orders and leave us with menus. Steve orders some kind of fancy wine, Raven says she’ll have that too so they get a bottle. I’m having beer, they have Cobra aka one of my favourite ever beers, Bucky has the same. He’s not a fan of wine, basically Bucky drinks like a college girl at a frat party, wine coolers, cocktails, ridiculous shooters, if it tastes like a soft drink but has booze in it he’s all about it, sadly they don’t have White Claw so beer it is. 

“Your Mom get back to her van safe?” Steve looks up from his menu across the table at me

“Yeah she text me...” 

“And have you seen...” 

“No not yet... soon though” I lower my eyes back to my menu, I’d rather not have someone I’ve just met know about... all that. 

“Bucky, Steve says you have a bike repair shop?” 

“Yeah I do...” his eyes light up “... it’s pretty much ready for opening... I’ve got a magazine coming to do an article on me... and we’re remodelling Sav’s store and our apartment” 

“You are?” 

“Sorry Steve your wall is coming down...” I look over to Raven “... they built a wall in my shop... it’s not stable... soldiers yes... builders... sadly not” 

Steve protests “That wall is a work of art” 

“Uh huh...” 

“Sav...” Bucky’s leant into me “... what do I want to eat?” 

“Do you want spicy food?” 

“No...” 

“Try Pho or a rice bowl... you’ll be fine with those...” 

“I like the menus with photos...” 

“I know... but your phone has Google, if you see something you like Google a photo of it” 

“Holy fuck you’re smart...” 

The server comes back with our drinks and takes our food orders. Bucky seems especially pleased with himself for chatting to the server, not just giving his order. He’s the very definition of social anxiety and sometimes can come off as abrupt because of it. He doesn’t mean to be, but for seventy years everyone that spoke to him were a threat or were abusive to him. Some days I’m in awe that he can even get up and go outside. 

“How’s the ‘pack’?” 

“Yeah... you guys have a puppy and a cat?” 

Like a proud Dad Bucky holds up his phone for Steve and Raven to see showing them his latest collection of photos of the fur babies “Alpine is the cat she was a dumpster baby that Sav found and I bought Hopper for her... see? Hey I’m a dumpster baby too?” 

Steve laughs “But not as furry Buck” 

Dinner all in all wasn’t an unpleasant experience. My Pho and tempura were super tasty but kind of overpriced. Which is why I don’t eat in Manhattan. Conversation was... maybe slightly awkward, I was wary of what I said because I didn’t know how much she knew about Bucky, everything they’ve been through, everything I’ve been through plus her and Steve were very... attentive of each other. 

Steve insists on taking care of the bill when it comes. He and Bucky are from a different era, with different social etiquette and I’ve learnt either not to argue or pay when Bucky’s not looking. On this occasion I accept Steve’s settling of the bill, seeing as this was his idea. His new... person. 

“You two are welcome to stay at the Tower tonight?” 

We’re outside. As usual Steve has bummed one of my smokes. 

“Thanks pal but...” 

“It’s not home?” 

“It’s not...” 

Bucky gives Steve one of his finest man hugs complete with back slapping, leaving me standing awkwardly with Steve’s... person. 

“It was really nice to meet you Raven...” 

“You too Savannah... if I ever want a tattoo I guess Brooklyn is the place to go?” 

“It sure is...” 

An Uber pulls up at the curb for Steve and Raven, we wave them off and head for the subway station. Bucky’s... quiet. But after a social occasion he can be, like he’s used up all his words for the day. Or if he’s felt tense because he’s been in a unfamiliar environment it can exhaust him, so he’ll experience a slump of sorts. He’s not unhappy though, it’s a comfortable silence, we don’t hold hands, he likes to have his hands free when we’re somewhere as crowded as downtown, in Brooklyn though he’ll hold my hand as we walk. Tonight I loop my arm through his, his flesh arm so again I’m on his right. 

The train is pretty empty but I guess it is a ‘school night’. 

“Buck?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Are you ok?” We’re sat side by side, he’s got his head rested oh my shoulder “I know you find stuff like that tiring but you’re kinda quiet even for you...” 

“What did you think of her?” 

“I don’t think it really matters does it? Steve obviously likes her... I mean enough to stop fucking his way around America... it’s more important that you like her, not me...” 

“Oh... well I don’t... like her I mean” 

“But you wanted Steve to...” 

“Yeah I know... I wanted him to stop fucking around, I wanted him to find his person but it’s not her... she’s... not... right” 

“I’m sure there was a time when he thought I wasn’t right for you...” 

“No... I mean he didn’t think... he thought I was going too fast... which you did too... but that’s not what I mean... I mean she’s not... I don’t think she is who he thinks she is... she’s hiding something” 

“Is it a... soldier thing?” 

“I don’t know...” 

“Do you think she’s... them?” 

He shakes his head against my shoulder “No... she’s something... else” 

“I’m not going to tell you that you’re being paranoid because that would be unfair... plus I tell you I have ‘feelings’ and you don’t tell me I’m being paranoid but think about it, do you think in all seriousness that she won’t have been vetted by Stark? By SHIELD? What about Sam what’s he had to say?” 

“Just that he hadn’t met her...” 

“Probably because Steve wanted you to meet her first... Sam may physically see more of Steve but you will always be of more importance to him... you know who would be good to talk to about this?” 

“Nat?” 

“Nat...” the train pulls to a stop “... come on soldier... our stop” 

He’s obviously not too concerned by it, or overthinking it too much as when we get into bed he crashes out pretty quickly, he doesn’t stare at the ceiling or toss and turn. Hopper AND Alpine are in bed with us. It’s me staring at the ceiling, can’t put it off any longer. Gotta see... him. 

Without disturbing my bedmates I manage to grab my phone from the nightstand. I rattle off a short text, telling him to meet me at the bean tomorrow afternoon. His reply of ‘ok’ comes pretty instantly which is a good job as the second I’ve read it Bucky turns in his sleep and drags me into being the little spoon, mumbling into my hair as he does. 

I tell Bucky before he leaves in the morning. Mainly because I want him to be at his shop while I’m at the bean, just in case. He obviously tells me he’s proud of me kisses my cheek then vanishes down the stairs and out the door. Leaving a trail of destruction behind him, literally. I’m ten minutes late in opening up because Bucky insists his travel mug does NOT NEED A LID. So he’s left little puddles of coffee all the way down the stairs, I’ve never asked but I do wonder if he has any coffee left in his cup by the time he gets to the shop, he probably just goes to the bean first and gets it refilled. 

Thankfully Jed has an early finish today. He and Bryan have some wedding thing to do. He’ll have told me but I’ve not idea what he said, all I took in was that he and Bryan won’t be at the bean while I have my... meeting. I’ve not told him yet. I don’t know if there’s anything to tell but them NOT seeing me sat with a guy who does not look old enough to be my father which will raise oh so many questions is the better way to go about... this. 

Three pm comes around far too quickly. I lock the store dash upstairs and grab the ‘book’ take a quick glance in the mirror to make sure I’m not ink splattered, my face isn’t but my clothes are and I’m not changing. Not for him. 

Halfway round I have a mild anxiety attack that what if I put him near the ‘book’ and something happens. Something... magic. Something totally unexplainable. I am in no way ready to have him I’m our home though so... the bean it is. I just pray for the best. 

Bucky’s stood outside his shop smoking when I get to the bean, he gives me a ok hand gesture and I nod to him from across the street. He smiles back, one of those hundred watt goofy smiles that seem to only be reserved for certain people, me being one of them. He dots his tab out and heads back inside. I know he’ll be watching though. 

I can see in through the window that he’s here, waiting for me. He’s sat in the booth where I sat opposite Bucky the night of the first time we shared a bed. A bed I now can’t imagine him not laying next to me in. Becca isn’t working, which is good because it’s getting harder and harder to not let her know that her Bucky is also my Bucky, and if he’s going to become a public figure of sorts with this magazine article he needs to tell her before that happens. 

He’s facing away from the door as I walk in so I can slip easily into the space opposite him without too much fuss. The twins are working today, Pricilla and Presley, their adoptive parents are big Elvis fans obviously. They’re the same age but I’m yet to work out if they actually shared a womb or not. 

“Savannah hello...” he half stands as I slip into my seat “... I was unsure as to what you drank so I didn’t order for you...” 

“Hey Sav” 

“Presley hey... this is... my... subcontractor... Si...” he nods at the server “... I’ll have my usual...” 

“And for you?” 

“Just a black coffee? Do you do that?” 

“Sure.... I’ll be right back with your drinks” 

“Presley?” He turns back towards the table “...how many times?” I motion my head towards Bucky’s shop and Presley laughs “... oh just once today... he’s working his way through the menu and I guess he liked today because if not he comes back to get a replacement... it was a peppermint mocha today... with whipped cream... should he not... be having whipped cream?” 

“I think he’ll be fine with the cream... but try and persuade him to two shots of espresso MAX” 

“I’ll try... I’ll be right back” 

“Bucky... works... across the street” 

“And now I know why you wanted to meet here... I assure you Savannah you are safe I’m your...” he lowers his voice “...father... I’ve spent your whole life protecting you...”

“I appreciate that... but I choose to be near the man I love for emotional support not physical” 

We have a moment of staring each other down. He sighs and slumps back into his seat. 

“Here we go guys... Savannah one large hazelnut milk mocha with vanilla syrup and for you one large black coffee... give me or Pricilla a shout if you need anything else... enjoy” 

“When did coffee become not... coffee?” 

“In the nineties... when you weren’t here... Bucky struggles with it too... he was gone seventy years” 

“What happened to him?” 

“Yeah I don’t think we’re there yet... that’s up to him to tell you” 

“And I’ll be... allowed to meet him... properly at some point?”

“I’ve not decided yet” 

“That’s fair... you said I was a... subcontractor? I’m not sure I know what one of those are... which perhaps I should?” 

“I’m having my property remodelled, so a builder of sorts” 

“I see... and Bucky he lives there too?” 

“Yes” 

“How long have you two been...” 

“A year in March but we’re not here to talk about my relationship... because it’s just that, it’s MINE” 

“Your mother and I had only been together a short time when she fell pregnant with you... we began living together when we’d only been a couple for a matter of months so... I understand... when you feel something is... right you don’t raise too many questions about it” 

“Oh I raised MANY questions... but again... not why I’m here” 

“Ok...” 

“Here...” I take a deep breath in and fetch the book from my tote bag, it’s a canvas one with my logo on a free promo gift that’s super handy “... is this the book you were thinking of?” I slide it across the table to him “...it’s not gonna start glowing or anything... weird is it?” 

“No... it’s JUST a book Savannah... I do have more of your grandparents belongings that you are welcome to come see whenever you want... when they passed and your mother emptied their house it was actually a contact of mine who knew WHERE they were from that bought the majority of their possessions and stored them for me” 

“Oh... I’d... like that?” 

“Good... now this... book...” he opens the front page and I brace myself despite assurances that nothing weird will happen this is still a man I do not know or trust “... is a history of your ancestors... every Magnussen... every branch of the family tree has written in this book” 

“About what?” 

“About what they could do Savannah... about their ‘gifts’.... you and I we have inherited all of this... it’s in our blood... some gifts can skip generations or manifest in different ways... or when raised human they can become suppressed... do you have anything that you are capable of thats... ‘above human’?” 

“I pushed Captain America on his ass but I was... angry” 

“Strength is a natural ability of Asgardians, you were able to draw on that when you felt a strong emotion, there may be a way where you wouldn’t need to be... angry” 

“I don’t know if I want that... if I want to be ‘above human’ I mean I’ve lived all of my life without it?”

“What about weapons?” He’s flicking through the pages “... I mean knowing who your beloved is I assume you have some kind of training in arming yourself?” 

“Last year I learnt to use a bow staff... I was... well I am pretty good at it, although thankfully I don’t have any use for it” 

“That’s good... Asgardians have never fought with mechanical weaponry, staffs, swords, knives... there’s more skill than simply pointing a gun at something” 

“And... hammers?” 

“You want to know why you could lift the hammer?” 

“Yes... have you ever...” 

“No... I never had the chance to socialise with the royalty of my birth world... but I imagine you are capable of lifting it because the hammer deems you worthy” 

“Worthy?” 

“You are a good person Savannah... pure and kind... you have no hidden darkness... you’ve never done anything that would change that... never taken a life... never harboured evil... and that makes you worthy... HOWEVER that hammer contains an immense amount of power, holding it is one thing USING it is another so I would be wary of it because of that... and that’s my ‘Dad’ lecture over” 

“There’s something else... something that... happens...” 

“I’m listening” 

“I get a ‘feeling’ but I don’t know why... it’s like something is going to happen... I can never identify if it’s good or bad, Mom used to tell me it was Deja Vu but knowing what I know now is it... something else? What’s wrong with me?” 

“Nothing is wrong with you... nothing... it’s a gift... a gift possessed by many of your ancestors many of the people in this book... I believe on Earth it’s called a psychic ability... it doesn’t mean you can predict the future but in olden days royalty would consult sooth sayers about wars, famine, religion, every aspect of life for advice... I would think that with time, practice and knowledge it’s something you could become more attuned too so it’s not just a ‘feeling’ it becomes purposeful... and maybe useful to you... this book is the key Savannah... to everything about you” 

“I can’t read it” 

“I know... I can’t imagine not being able to read or speak it... I was the same when I came to Earth” 

“I’m hopeless at learning new languages... I took Spanish in school but now all I remember is now to say two tequilas please or which way is the airport?” 

“That’s because Spanish is not truly of importance to you... there is a key to the language of Asgard that I have I can email it to you? Then you’ll be able to understand this book and more about yourself... would you like that?” 

“Yes please...” I’ve been so engrossed in talking to him I hadn’t notice a familiar figure stood at the counter “... sorry... HEY... BARNES... NO MORE CAFFEINE” 

“I’m actually getting a smoothie...” he smiles widely and comes over to the table, my... Dad stands up and shakes his hand “... hi... sorry I pulled a gun on you... I’m Bucky” 

“Sindre... and no hard feelings... knowing my... knowing Savannah has her own soldier makes me happy... would you like to... join us?”

“No... thank you I was on my way home... need to attend to the puppy” 

“Ahhh yes... what’s he called?’ 

“Hopper... well... Doll I’ll see you at home?” 

“Yup...” 

He doesn’t kiss me, instead he reaches down and squeezes my hand and gives me a caring smile. 

“Sindre it was a pleasure...” he leaves me and my Dad alone, grabbing his smoothie on the way out 

“Well he’s... charming” he’s slid back into the booth opposite me 

“He’s from the forties... so his social etiquette is old fashioned... but in a good way” 

“So... marriage is not off the cards then?” 

“It has been... discussed” 

“If you need money...” 

“I don’t” 

“If you do Savannah I owe you a lifetime of birthday and Christmas gifts... I’m fortunate to be a... wealthy man... please don’t feel too proud to ask...” 

“Ok...” 

“Ok?” 

“Yeah... ok” 

“Good... where is... your Mom?” 

Do I mention Rhodey? “She’s gone back to her van... on the west coast... she will be back soon for my friends wedding, she’s his stand in Mom” 

“Of course she is...” 

“I should really... go catch up with Bucky... my email address is on my website...” I put the book back into my tote and stand up “...thank you for meeting me...” 

He stands up “... it was my pleasure... I’ll take care of the bill...” 

“Ok... thank you again...” 

“Don’t be a stranger Savannah” 

“I’ll try not to be... well... goodbye... Sindre” 

I leave without turning back, I don’t do well with awkward goodbyes. Bucky is just leaving with Hopper when I get back. 

“Hey... sorry... I know... I know... I shouldn’t have...” I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him “... whoa PDA... kissing in the street... Savannah Daisy Rogers what will the neighbours think?” 

“I don’t care” I kiss him again, Hopper starts jumping up at us which is what breaks us apart “I know puppy... hello... hello...”

“You’re not mad I... checked up on you?” 

“Not at all...” 

“You coming to walk the pup?” 

“Sure...” 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

“Not yet...” 

He takes my hand “Whenever you’re ready Doll... whenever you’re ready...”


	54. Life is a highway

Road trip. 

Road. Trip. 

ROAD TRIP. 

Savannah had an ‘after hours’ tattoo appointment and I spent the evening channel surfing. Took three flicks of the remote to find a channel with shows about salvage. Amazing. Why did no one tell me this was a thing? I mean I knew about junk yards I’d just never thought to VISIT junk yards. I’ve gotten lazy thought I could rely on the internet for EVERYTHING. It’s time for some good old fashioned rummaging through junk to find gold otherwise known as parts, parts that I’ll need. PLUS I’m gonna do a couple of rebuilds. Document the whole process... for the internet. 

I ask the rainbow if she wants to go on a Sunday? Day out. Do I look like the sort of person who wants to rummage through piles of sharp objects while getting covered in grime? Yeah... point taken Savannah. 

Steve is in some kind of heart shaped bubble. Nat would have the same answer as Savannah so Sam it is. 

I hire a U-Haul trailer (thank you internet), hook it to the Jeep and away we go. South like a migrating bird. Which is fitting considering the person in the passenger seat. Hopper’s in back. Gotta take the wolf out the city. 

“Why do we have to go so early? We are not in the military anymore Buckaroo” 

“Early bird catches the worm?” 

“You get three bird jokes, three... you just used one...” 

“Fair... want breakfast?” 

“What the fuck you talking about of course I want breakfast getting me up at the ass crack of dawn when it’s STILL DARK to rummage through garbage... you’re paying obviously” 

“Whatever...” 

We hit the Dunkin that’s nearest to the exit leading out to the freeway. Every time I think I’ve finished talking to the faceless box the bird leans across and tweets another item on to the order. By the time we roll out on to the freeway we’ve got enough food to feed a whole platoon. At least we won’t need to grab lunch as well. More time for... rummaging.

“So... why me?” 

“Huh...” 

“Why am I your passenger of choice?” 

“You’re my friend?” 

“But not your first choice... it’s ok I get it” 

“No it’s not...” 

“I’m yanking your chain... I take it Savannah didn’t want to?” 

“She did not...” 

“But that’s still... good?” 

“Yeah” 

“Novelty not worn off? You know nothing like living with your other half... or in your case BETTER half to take the... magic outta... things” 

“Yeah we’re not having this conversation” 

“Uh huh and what conversation would that be?” 

“The one about my sex life... but yeah it’s still... yeah” 

“Are you blushing? Jesus... you... are... you are a covert operative” 

“WAS...” 

“But still... if you’re blushing it must be... well I guess she’s doing something right... NOW tell me why I’m here” 

“I need to talk to you... and there’s no... listening walls here” 

“There’s Hopper” 

“He’s a well trained secret keeper, right chief?” I look in the mirror to see Hopper’s ears twitch but that’s as much as he moves, he’s in a post puppucino slump. 

“And you can’t talk to Savannah?” 

“I talked to Savannah but she’s kind of preoccupied with finding out she potentially has magical powers” 

“Ahhh got it... so what’s going on in that cyborg brain of yours? I can see it whirring... oh it’s malfunctioning...” He jabs a finger into my right temple 

“God I hate you” 

“Mmmhhhmmm” 

“Raven” 

“THAT’S what this is about? Steve’s girlfriend? You were all for him not being a man whore anymore... and now he’s got a recurring... person you’re what? worried that he’ll not have time for you anymore? The other... relic from the past? Because YOU are the one who ditched him for... Brooklyn” 

“Have you met her?” 

“Nope... none of my business... you regretting asking me on this trip now huh?”

“He said she’s a... teacher?” 

“Yeah at a school for the... they... as in the school calls them ‘gifted’... the media calls them mutants... you know kids that can control water, go invisible... that kind of thing...” 

“WHAT like Parker?” 

“No... he was... exposed to an experimental arachnid that developed his... skills... these kids were BORN with genetic mutations... it’s pretty cool... the guy who runs it... Charles he’s a... telepath but not like Wanda I mean like he could blow your brain out your ears from a mile away... he takes in these kids because their parents as you can imagine are pretty freaked out that the kid can suddenly toddle through a wall...” 

“But she’s not... ‘gifted’? Raven?”

“Nope just your regular brand of human woman” 

“Yeah I don’t think she is... human I mean” 

“I think you’re being paranoid” 

“You haven’t met her” 

“I have not... how was that? Dinner...” 

“Fancy... too fancy... he... Steve seems to go in for that kind of thing I’d rather have a takeout and sit in my lazy pants...” 

“Did she do anything during this... dinner... to make you think she’s not... a real person?” 

“She’s too nice” 

“That’s the ‘I was held prisoner and abused for seventy years’ coming out, people can be NICE, Savannah is... nice” 

“No... I mean she is but she can get in a mood, she can snap, get angry, cry, a whole depth of emotions... Raven doesn’t she lacks... depth” 

“And you’ve made this assumption after spending what three hours with her?” 

“Three hours and seventeen minutes and I knew as soon as I saw her, before she even opened her mouth... plus why would a teacher date Steve?” 

“Erm... have you SEEN Steve? He ain’t the little guy with a breathing problem anymore he is hot property, the worlds most eligible bachelor... he’s Captain America” 

“EXACTLY... he’s Captain America he LIVES in a building full of... things...” 

“So you think she’s with him for what? Access to international secrets? He’s many things but he’s not dumb enough to say ‘hey wanna see why we don’t need nuclear weapons anymore?’ not for the sake of... a fuck... and the way he moons about her it is way more than... that... and I don’t suppose you’ve done the most sensible thing which is TALK TO STEVE?” 

“No of course not...” 

“Ok... I’ll bite... I’ve given you more information that you had... make an assessment” 

“What?” 

“Make an assessment... I know you don’t remember your life most days but come on seventy years of instinct... you’re sent out to... take her down... why?” 

“She’s a threat...” 

“Uh huh... to who? Steve?” 

“No it’s bigger than him but he’s the in” 

“And what about her boss? The guy with TELEPATHIC ABILITIES? The guy who let her work IN A SCHOOL?” 

“She needs him too... it’s big... I mean really big” 

“Aliens from the sky big?” 

“No... whatever it is... it’s here on Earth not in... space” 

“Well I’m not a spy... and I gather you have not talked to the spy... the spy you have in your cell, the one you can just call and say ‘hey don’t freak out but I think Steve’s girlfriend is an alien?’”

“I didn’t say alien I said not human there’s a difference and I wanted to call Nat but she would’ve given the same answer Savannah did about...” 

“About rummaging through garbage? What does that say about me?” 

“Birds like... shiny things?” 

“That’s TWO” 

“HYDRA had a... way of finding people that were a threat” 

“Project Insight yeah I remember... you almost killed Steve and me AND shot Nat... but we stopped it” 

“You stopped HYDRA wiping out the people listed but what happened to the lists?” 

“They’ll be buried somewhere... oh no... no... I am not breaking into... things to check if she’s on a HYDRA hit list...” 

“Aren’t you curious?” 

“Can I point out that GOOD people were on that list... Bruce, Stephen... T’Challa... even if she is on the list it doesn’t make her... ‘not human’... it means she WAS a threat TO THE BAD GUYS... let’s talk about something different... what music you got going on up in here?” He pushes the button, the button on the stereo I’m not allowed to touch because ‘I don’t understand it and will mess the settings’ button. The dark sounds of Alkaline Trio blast out “... nope... let’s try again...” he pushes another button and something else starts playing something with bass... I think Sav told me it’s called Hip Hop “...NOW we’re talking... Wutang? Decent... I knew it... I knew she wasn’t all wailing and guitars... this will do nicely... eyes on the road bucket” 

“Yes boss” 

An hour later we’re rolling up to the gates of heaven, well I think it looks like heaven, the bird thinks it looks like a gated huge pile of junk. I’d called ahead, spoke to the owners son as the owner, Dean had recently passed away. This ‘pile of junk’ was his life’s work. His son, Corey, just wanted someone to come take the valuable parts away (for a good price) so he can get the remainder recycled and have the land valued to build a strip mall or McMansions (I learnt about those last week). I gave him a brief run down of who I am and what I do, I left out that I don’t have all my limbs because I need gloves to sift through the junk so he won’t even see my hand. Plus it’s January so... long sleeves. Thankfully even though it is January the sun is shining. 

“Hey you must be Bucky?” He’s maybe in his forties, dressed like a lumberjack, but I think it’s one of those times he’s dressed like a lumberjack but has never been anywhere near a tree 

“Corey?” at least his handshake his strong 

“Guilty...” 

“This is Sam...” he’s getting Hopper out of the Jeep “...and the furry one is Hopper... I hope it’s... ok I brought him I should’ve asked...” 

“Fine by me... so these are the keys...” he hands me a set of keys “... they’ll open the main gate here, there’s a cabin in there with a portapotty and I think there’s a coffee maker in there too...” 

“Thanks...” 

“So... I have NO idea about any of this... I am a data analyst at the university... this was all him... he would buy and sell by the tonne... just weigh what you want to take and work out the price? He’ll have the costing system written on the wall in the cabin... can you do a bank transfer if I text you the details?” 

“Erm...” 

“Sorry Corey... Bucky is not good with technology... I will talk him through it though” 

“There is NO rush... honestly... I was just going to... I don’t even know... like I said this was all him... anyways have a good day guys and you can drop the keys in the mail box there when you’re done” 

“Don’t wanna stay and help?” I think Sam just wants to sit down and let someone else help me

“No... thank you... my husband and I just had a baby... I mean we didn’t... you know... surrogate...” 

“Congratulations...” 

Corey’s cell beeps in his pocket “That’ll be my other half... he’ll have decided that the baby needs something else that will either be grown out of in a week or end up in the back of a cupboard... so... the best of luck to you both... oh and please don’t hurt yourselves I don’t think it was ever insured for that sort of thing” 

“Corey trust me when I say both of us have seen worse... go home to your family... we’ll be fine” 

We wave him off, he’s driving one of those electric cars with a rainbow flag on the license plate. I should get one for the Jeep. I know what it means and MY rainbow is part of THAT rainbow. 

“Ready?” 

“No...” 

“Wasn’t talking to you... Hopper?” He gives me the head tilt “... that’s what I thought... let’s do this...” 

We unlock the cabin first, then take Hopper on a lap around the property to make sure it’s all fenced off and he can’t escape if I let him off lead while we work. Thankfully it is so I unclip him and he’s off... probably sniffing and peeing on everything he can see. Which is A LOT. There’s no order to this. No categorisation. 

“You got the photos I sent to your cell?” 

“Oh the grainy photos of hunks of metal that I have no idea what they are? Yeah I got them...” 

“Come on Sam... you’re a soldier, you know what engines look like...” 

“Yeah yeah...” 

“Tell you what... I’ll start that end, you the other and we’ll meet in the middle?” 

“Done... wait... there’s no big magnets in here is there because otherwise you’re screwed” 

“It’s not magnetic... not anymore” 

“Chain... YANK...” 

“Ugh” 

We set to work, anything that’s useful gets tossed out of the pile on to the ground. I find three skeletons of bikes that I’ll be able to rebuild. This place is a goldmine, well my kind of gold anyway. I think even Sam is having a good time, humming away to himself. I whistle Hopper every so often and he trots into view and then vanishes again. I’m so engrossed in what I’m doing I don’t notice my cell ringing out, thankfully I catch it before it stops and goes to voicemail, I hate voicemail, I don’t like artificial voices, Siri, Alexa, the voicemail... voice. 

“Doll face...” 

“You sound... happy... you were gonna text me... to let me know you got there...” 

“Shit” 

“Doesn’t matter...” 

“It does because you’ll have worried... sorry...” 

“S’ok... so everything is... ok?” 

“Oh man... it’s amazing...” 

“The puppy?” 

“Is having the time of his life the whole place is fenced so he’s trotting about... sniffing... peeing... barking at birds... not Sam... actual birds... with feathers...” 

I hear her store bell ring out “... my next client is here... so be safe and I’ll see you later... and I’m really proud of you ok bye” 

She hangs up before I can reply. I know she was worried, and not just because I took ‘her’ car. This is the first trip I’ve taken that’s more than fifty miles away from Manhattan... from Brooklyn... from anywhere that’s not been for a mission. And Wakanda doesn’t count. This is my new life, this is my new purpose. But sometimes I’m not good without... supervision but I’m getting better, everyday I remember something else, and newer memories now stay. I know for average people this journey is an everyday occurrence for me, it’s not. 

“You doing good over there rust bucket?” 

“Yup...” 

“You forgot to call her indoors didn’t you?” 

“Yup...” 

“Women like communication ESPECIALLY when their partners are almost a hundred year old amnesiacs with potential targets on their backs” 

“Yup...”

“You want to stop for coffee?” 

“Yup...” 

Sam does the math for me. Works out how much I need to send to Corey and shows me how to use internet banking (I know how to look at my accounts, it works with facial recognition but i never ‘push any buttons’ on the app, they scare me). Team work, I do the physical stuff, he does the paperwork. We’re back on the freeway by early afternoon with a trailer full of parts that I cannot wait to sort through and ‘tinker’ with but Savannah has made it VERY clear that no ‘dirty oily parts’ are to be brought into the apartment, EVER. Hopper is quite literally passed out on the back seat, truly exhausted himself running around the perimeter fence. Even Sam dozes off for the majority of the journey, which I am very much taking as a compliment. We’re soldiers, soldiers don’t sleep unless they’re with a person they trust, that they feel safe with. And apparently it must mean my driving has gotten better if he didn’t feel the need to stay awake and watch my every turn of the wheel. 

I park the U Haul literally inside my shop because now the fire house doors work again I can just back the trailer in there and leave it until tomorrow to empty it. Sam helps, well he orders me around but sometimes I need prompts to help me make sure I get everything done. 

“This was...” 

“Fun?” 

“Wouldn’t go that far Barnes but... as days out go it wasn’t... bad... although next time you wanna talk to me... and I know you don’t trust the phone... there’s a very nice coffee shop across the street no need to cross state lines” 

“I’ll bear that in mind... you going back to the tower?” 

“I am and I HAVE taken on board your concerns about... her so... if anything weird happens I will tell you... you gonna be ok getting back to your apartment?” 

“It’s like four blocks away” 

“And you are almost a hundred years old... plus you’ve had a big day out... you probably haven’t driven that far in decades” 

“Careful Wilson you’re almost sounding like you CARE” 

“Oh about you? No... about Little Rogers face when you smash her Jeep? THAT I care about...” 

“I’ll be fine... you can fly away now back to the nest” 

“And that’s three so yeah I will... laters Bucket” 

“Bird Boy...” 

He goes back to his car which is parked outside my shop. I lock up and head ‘home’. I have to carry the puppy from the car in the alleyway and into Sav’s store because he’s so tuckered out.

“Hey Jed” he’s just putting his coat on as I go in 

“Bucky hey... hello Hopper... are you a tired boy huh? I’m just finished up... she’s in her room... I’ll see you soon yeah... buh bye puppy...” 

I put Hopper in his bed behind the counter before I head into Sav’s room. I can’t hear the buzz of her tattoo machine so I’m assuming she’s alone. 

“HEY HOT STUFF” She’s laid out on her tattoo bench eyes closed with headphones in. I lean over her “Savannah” 

She lets out a shriek and almost topples off the bench “Hey... sorry...” she pulls her headphones out “...my... I mean HE sent me a audio file that’s like a key to understanding Asgardian... it’s not going well so far...” her eyes focus on me and she looks me up and down “... you are FILTHY” 

“Yeah... do you have any more clients?” 

“Yes in twenty minutes” 

“Well... I’ll leave you to... this... the puppy is in his bed... shall I leave him? I think I wore him out” 

“I missed him... so... yes please... are you good?” 

“I am” 

“And Sam?” 

“Is gonna keep an eye on... things” 

“Good...” As I lean down to kiss her while she’s still laid out on the bench I feel like I’ve seen this before, but not in real life and it throws me into a spin and I freeze “...Buck?” 

“I’ve seen this before?” I’m inches from her face, her lovely kind caring beautiful face 

“Oh... Snow White? Sleeping Beauty? Pretty much any fairy tale where the princess is put to sleep by a wicked witch or evil step mother and the handsome prince kisses her to wake her up?” 

All the blurry images that were flashing in my brain come into focus, she’s right, Disney movies. I close the gap between us, vanilla lip salve and menthol cigarettes. Didn’t think princesses tasted like that. Or kissed like... that. 

“Am I the handsome Prince?” 

“You’re the absolutely filthy prince...” 

“I should go wash up...” 

“You should...” she’s got this wicked smile, this wicked smile that says I should take my clothes off and get on the tattoo bench with her... do all those things that make her call out my name... I’ve literally got my hand on my jacket zipper when the doorbell rings out and Hopper barks a hello. She leans up towards me and kisses me again “...SHIT... they’re early... WELL better go mutilate someone for money...” 

“Later?” 

“Definitely” 

She’s off the bench, slaps my ass as she passes by me for the door to greet her client. 

I think it’s time to take the Princess and turn her into a Queen.


	55. Honey if you stay you’ll be forgiven, nothing you can say will stop me going home

It was a nondescript day. He’d been unpacking everything he’d gotten from the junkyard. We’d eaten dinner and laid out on the couch to watch a movie. A Disney movie, after he’d recalled the older ones I wanted to introduce him to the newer ones. And I love The Little Mermaid, don’t judge me. I was wedged in the groove of the dumb falling apart couch he was on his back, head on the armrest. I figured I’d go shower as he’d nodded off. I hate waking him up, ever. He deserves sleep, he deserves all the peaceful sleep life has to offer after seventy plus years of... the other guy.

I wriggle beside him and he doesn’t stir. At all. He’s out, muttering in his sleep. I’m not offended he found the best Disney movie so dull he fell asleep. I swing my leg out and over him. I straddle him, it’s not something I haven’t done before, not by a long shot. I lean down to kiss his forehead and without warning his arm, his metal arm shoots up and his fingers wrap around my neck, squeezing. This is also not the first time he’s done this, when we’ve been in an... intimate moment, so I think he’s just fucking around, until he squeezes tighter and I couldn’t get a full breath. 

Shit. 

“Bucky?” No response “James?” Nothing and the grip is getting stronger “...Soldier?” He mumbles something I don’t understand, something in Russian. Again, shit. “... Bucky... Bucky listen to me...” I put my hands to his forearm to try and prise it away but it’s unmoved “... your name is James Buchanan Barnes... and you are safe... I am not a threat... my name is Savannah Daisy Rogers and you are safe...” 

Hopper had been in the armchair but he’s now on the floor near the couch whining. But Bucky remains unmoved. 

“BUCKY” 

Still nothing. This is the point I realise if I don’t do something drastic he’s gonna hurt me. Badly. 

“I am not here to hurt you...” 

Nothing. And I can feel my face getting hotter. 

“Hopper... SPEAK” 

Hopper gives his loudest bark but Bucky remains asleep. His hand still around my throat. I have a couple of options. I could disable his arm, if I can reach the latch. I could pinch him or slap him to bring him round but his reflexes are undoubtedly quicker than mine and that could lead to him injuring me and he’s already gonna feel awful about this. I have to disable the arm. And do it left handed, I am in no way ambidextrous I am predominantly right handed. I leave my right hand on his arm trying to prise it away still and reach my left hand up and under his tshirt, trying to reach his arm pit. But as soon as my fingers connect with his flesh he clearly feels more threatened and squeezes even tighter. There’s now two options, death or injury. I choose injury. 

“BUCKY” he reaches his other arm and adds it to my neck. 

I haven’t got any other choice now. I move my free left hand as far away as I can in the space I have and I bring my palm down hard across his face. 

His eyes fly open, he registers his hands on my throat and he throws me off his body and on to the floor. I’m still trying to process what hurts, my hand stings from slapping him, I don’t think he’s done any permanent damage to my neck. I panic that he’s going to run but he heads to the bedroom slamming the door behind him. 

I pull myself off the floor and mentally check myself up and down. I’m ok. My main concern right now is him. 

I slowly open the bedroom door and there’s no sign of him, Hopper’s at my heels whining. 

“Hopper, go bed...” he whines once more and then trots off to his bed aka the arm chair. 

I know where he is. He’s in the closet. It’s happened before, he was triggered by a loud sound from the street and just like you’re trained to get in bathtubs or stand in door frames if there’s an earthquake he heads for the closet. I stand outside the closed closet door first before I open it and listen. I can hear his breathing, it’s heavy, fast. But I don’t hear sobs. 

“I’m coming in” 

“Don’t” 

“You won’t hurt me” 

“I just did...” 

“Yeah I don’t care” I swing the door open and he’s sitting on the floor, back to the wall, knees to his chest, partially obscured by the hanging clothes. I step in close the door and sit down next to him. I stay silent. His breathing is too fast, too rapid, I have to deal with that first, there’s no point telling him to breathe in through his nose and out through his mouth right now as he won’t listen. Instead I let my own breathing calm and slowly but surely he mirrors my rhythm and it slows down. That’s task one. Second task is touch. I start with my left hand and place it on his knee, he flinches but doesn’t brush it away or tell me not to touch him. Thirdly it’s to talk, to comfort “... you’re ok Bucky... it’s safe... YOU are safe...”

“I...”

“It wasn’t your fault... now listen here’s what we’re going to do... I’m going to call Steve, we’re gonna take a ride to the Tower... you’re gonna talk to Regan AND have them do a brain scan just in case something is misfiring... brains are a electric anyway yours is a little more electric than average so we’ll make sure you don’t have a faulty connection... this was the first time you’ve done... that... did you have a bad dream?” 

“No... I mean I don’t think so...” 

“Can you tell me what happened?” 

“When you... put your weight on top of me I had... it was like I was back in the... chair... about to be... wiped... I could SEE AND SMELL the lab they kept me in” 

“Good... that’s good... you’ve recognised something... now... you stay here... because if it helps you feel safe I’m not going to argue with you but I’m gonna call Steve and put those wheels in motion” 

“I don’t get a say do I?” 

“Not right now no...” My cell is in my pocket, it’s been in there all night I’m praying it’s not dead from me going down on the floor, thankfully the screen lights up as it should and I hit dial on Steve’s number, it’s only eight so not like the middle of the night “... Big Rogers” 

“Little Rogers what’s up?” He sounds... normal, not out of breath or whispering so we’re off to a good start 

“I’m sitting in my bedroom closet with Bucky right now... there was an... incident... I’m bringing him in...” 

“Is he hurt?” 

“Physically, no” 

He lowers his voice “Are you?” 

“No no I’m good... I don’t know how long it’ll take us to get there but can you notify Regan and Helen I’d like her to take a look at his brain...” 

“I’ll see you when you get here...” 

As soon as I hang up the phone Bucky’s moving which takes me by surprise, I figured it’d take a good hour to coax him out. He mumbled something about ‘getting it over with’ and he’d send someone to collect his things, meaning he thinks this is over, that I’m done with him. Which is not happening. I am no quitter, especially when it comes to love. He heads down to the Jeep with Hopper before I do so Hopper can pee on his favourite hydrant before we get in the car. Hopper’s hesitant at first but when Bucky speaks to him his tail wags and he trots happily along with him. As I’m putting on my jacket I see in the mirror that my neck is messed up, it’s got a purpling hand mark around it, I grab my scarf to cover it up, I’ll deal with it later. 

He’s silent the whole car ride there. Doesn’t even look at me, his head is rested against the window looking out at the passing scenery. He’s got Hopper on his lap though, running his hand through his fur. 

When we pull into the parking garage Steve is waiting for us but so is Raven and neither of them look happy. I get out first, I think Bucky might need some persuading. 

“HE IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE STEVE” 

“HE’S MY FRIEND” 

“AND I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND, CHOOSE A SIDE” 

Steve throws his arms in the air “No... this isn’t about sides this is about my friend who needs my help right now... so you can go and I will talk to you soon...” 

She literally stomps her feet, grinding a stilettoed heel into the concrete ground “... FUCK YOU...” A manicured finger is jabbed into the centre of Steve’s chest and she turns getting into a flashy sports car parked near her speeding off seconds later. 

I stay silent while Steve pinches the bridge of his nose and mentally dusts himself down before heading over to my Jeep and opening the drivers door. 

“Hey Buck... how’s it going pal?” 

“Tried to kill Savannah...” 

“Well I guess that’s both of us with upset girlfriends right now... so... you wanna get out of the car? Regan is here and Helen too, you can do both mental and physical at the same time... so... whenever you’re ready... Hey Hopper you wanna come see me huh? Nope... that’s ok... I’m gonna come open the door for you...” before he gets round to the passenger door he stops where I’m stood by the tailgate, looks me up and down, pulls the scarf slightly away from my neck and winces, we give each other a sharp nod and he carries on round the vehicle till he gets to the passenger door and opening it “... hello puppy... hello... I know I’m pleased to see you too... come on Buck it’s safe here...” Hopper is lifted from Bucky’s lap and placed on the floor where he trots over to one of Tony’s Audi’s and pees on the back wheel, Steve’s gotten Bucky out the car and on to his feet “... why is your... face... you know what... not important... come on” 

He looks so heartbroken when he passes me that my own heart sinks in my chest. I lock the Jeep and follow them into the elevator and then to the medical wing. Helen takes Bucky into a room alone so she can take his vitals before we go any further leaving me, Hopper and Steve in the corridor. 

“You hit him?” 

“He was strangling me” 

“Ok...” 

“I didn’t want to hurt him” 

“I know you didn’t” 

The door opens and Helen’s head pokes round “... all his vitals are as they should be, his heart rate and blood pressure are slightly elevated but not out of what I would call a normal range... he’s going to have an MRI right now so if you can join Regan in the control room that would be great...” 

Once again I am sat in the control room, there’s electrodes attached to Bucky’s head, and he’s being fed into an MRI machine. A Tony Stark made MRI machine. There’s a row of screens that Helen is sat squinting at. Hopper is sat on my lap obscuring my view of pretty much anything apart from the back of his head. Steve is stood near the window looking over the machine and Regan is readying herself with a notepad. 

“Sargent... the next voice you’ll hear is Regan... do you feel alright so far? No claustrophobia?” 

“No...” he sounds like he’s a million miles away when he’s only on the other side of a pane of glass 

“Hello James, it’s Regan, you’ve had quite an evening I gather... before we start I want to assure you that Savannah is still here, and if at any point you want her to physically be in the room while you’re in the machine then we can facilitate that... so... let’s start with your affirmations first... tell me your name and that you are safe” 

“My name is James Buchanan Barnes and I am safe...” 

“Good... now... I want you to recount your whole day to me... leave no detail out... no matter how small”

“I slept late... I’d had a big day out yesterday and I’d been tired plus me and Savannah were... up late...” I hide behind Hopper to spare everyone my blushes “...it was gone ten am by the time I woke up... Savannah had already left but I wasn’t worried I knew she had an early appointment... I got up, washed, dressed, and walked to my store... I realised I’d forgotten breakfast so I got Uber Eats to deliver me a salmon and cream cheese bagel and a coffee... I didn’t bring Hopper with me as I needed to empty the U Haul and didn’t want him to cut himself if there was anything sharp... I got so involved in sorting what I’d brought back from the junk yard that the day went really quickly, in fact Savannah called me and asked if I was coming home for dinner because it was almost five and she’d finished up...” 

“Did you take your meds James?” 

“Yes... I have an alarm on my phone to remind me and there’s sets of medications everywhere I could be so they’re always on hand” 

“Good... now... Savannah called you for dinner?” 

“Yes... I locked up and went home... and I showered while she cooked... she made fish tacos... she makes THE BEST fish tacos... they’re amazing... something to do with the lime? ... then because I remembered old Disney movies she put on the new mermaid one and we... snuggled on the couch... I must’ve fallen asleep” 

“That’s good James... well done... you’re doing really well... now you fell asleep that’s great, you must’ve felt very comfortable, did you have anything on your mind before you fell asleep?”

“No I just remember that the Disney music was soothing and I was comfortable” 

“Good... you’re going to hear Savannah now... but you must remember that this is NOT your fault... so Savannah...” she swings her chair to face me instead of the window “...tell me what happened after James fell asleep” 

“I thought I’d leave him to sleep while I went to shower, I was wedged into the groove in the back of the couch so I swung my leg out and over and pulled myself so I was straddling him, and his arm... the metal one wrapped around my throat...” 

“And I’m assuming this isn’t the first time you’ve been in that position together?” 

“No and it’s not the first time he’s... placed his hands on my neck” 

“But this is the first time it’s not been consensual?” 

“Right... I tried to wake him up by talking to him, I tried to do his affirmations but he was still asleep, I tried to get Hopper to bark to see if that would wake him up, I tried to disconnect his arm, there’s an emergency way to release it but as soon as I touched his skin he became more... aggressive and put his other hand around my neck so I... slapped him...” 

“At which point he ‘woke up’?” 

“Yes... he threw me off him and I fell on the floor... I thought he was going to run but instead he headed to his safe place in the closet... Bucky...” my voice trembles slightly so I compose myself “... I am so proud of you for not running...” 

“Doll?” 

“Yeah Buck...” 

“I love you” 

“I know” 

“James... did you register Savannah’s weight on you? ... did you believe her a threat?” 

“I... I...” 

“It’s ok James... take your time...”

“I was back in the chair... in the lab... I could see it I could SMELL IT... and she... the weight on me... it wasn’t her it was a faceless... threat... they’d hold me down to strap me into my chair... into the brain washing machine... I’d fight back” 

“Of course you would... and that’s ok James... you’ve done extremely well... and I believe Helen is done so you can come out of the machine are you comfortable with her discussing what she’s seen with Steven and Savannah?”

“Yes...” 

“Good... can you repeat your affirmation for me? One more time” 

“My name is James Buchanan Barnes and I am safe” 

“Sargent? It’s Helen... I’m going to release you from the MRI... then Regan would like you to wait in your therapy room for us to join you” She pushes a button the console which I assume controls the microphones and speakers meaning he’s now cut off from us. Regan leaves, I don’t know if that’s good or bad? Helen turns to face me and Steve “... there’s nothing wrong... with his brain... well there is... but Shuri’s work is still in place, the soldier is redundant... so whatever happened tonight was purely mental... nothing in his brain short circuited and caused the... incident... I’m happy for him to leave he doesn’t need any further... monitoring... on a physical level” 

“Thank you Helen” 

“Steve why don’t you take the puppy and go meet Regan and Bucky in the therapy room, Savannah will be right behind you” Steve nods and lifts Hopper from my lap and exits “... now take off your scarf Savannah” I do as she asks and she gets up from her chair coming over to where I’m sat, she gently moves my head and examines my neck with her hands and looks closely at it “...I’d say it’s going to be sore for a week or so but he’s not done any permanent damage... did you hurt yourself as you landed on the floor? Did you hit your head?” 

“Nope” 

“Good... now I can give you something that will help the bruising go away?” 

“Please I know he’s going to feel terrible when he sees it, and it’s not his fault” 

“I know... I’ll come find you before you leave ok?” 

I put my scarf back in place and head to the therapy room. Bucky’s sat on a couch with Hopper, Steve and Regan are sitting in arm chairs opposite. 

“Savannah... take a seat next to James... it’s ok James you won’t hurt her... YOU James Buchanan Barnes will not hurt her... not on purpose...” I sit down next to him, usually he’d shuffle slightly closer or hold my hand, put his arm around me but he freezes in place “... so... the easiest way to describe this is... I want you to imagine a fizzy drink being poured into a glass, and one of the bubbles at the bottom makes its way to the surface and on its way to the surface it attaches itself to another bubble and they then both burst when they reach the top... you said you’d remembered old Disney movies... that’s good... a positive memory but it’s also dragged up a negative with it... you CANNOT control this... not with the amount of mental trauma you have sustained... not with the constant memory wiping... so... we are done here... you can go home... and please do go HOME... where you live with Savannah... does anyone have any concerns?” 

“Did I trigger him?” 

“Yes and no... you triggered a trauma... and I believe this would have happened had he been asleep or awake when you put your weight on him...” 

“It felt so real” 

“James no one not one person in this room doubts that it didn’t... we have spoken about this... what happened to you was in no way your fault, you are not to blame... do you want to speak to Savannah while I’m here? While Steve’s here?” 

“I’m sorry” 

“I know you are but you have nothing to be sorry for...” 

“I hurt you... I physically hurt you” 

“The fact that YOU’RE hurt is hurting me more” 

“You’d be better off without me” 

“Don’t say that... don’t think that.. it’s not true...” 

“I should just be put in the freezer again and brought out if there’s a fight it’s all I’m good for” 

“Bucky...” 

I’ve not cried, the adrenaline, my concern for him has kept pushing me forward in not breaking down but I hear Steve literally let out a choked sob, he’s got tears in his eyes. 

He sniffs in “Sorry...” 

“Steven you must remember that this not YOUR fault either... James in the past year you have become a person, you ARE a person NOT a weapon, not a solider... a person, a person with a business, a person with a happy healthy functioning relationship with Savannah, you have FRIENDS and are able to recognise people as friends not threats... this is not even a set back it’s a blip... and we all... EVERY HUMAN BEING will experience a blip at some point in their lifetime... this is the first time since before Christmas you’ve experienced a bad memory... you have done so well... let’s look at this in a positive light, as in it’s happened, we know why it’s happened and it’s time to move on... with Savannah... with Steve and Sam and your ‘regular’ friends too... so... do you feel able to return home?” 

He takes a breath in and I swear my heart stops because I NEED HIM, I need to take him HOME and smother him with love and kindness.

“Yes... I’d like to go... home” 

My body slumps and finally the tears flow. There’s a knock at the door and Helen appears “Savannah I’m ready when you are” 

“Thank you...” I very slowly edge toward Bucky making no sudden movements and kiss his cheek before I stand up to go and talk to Helen. 

“Here you go...” once we’re standing in the corridor again she hands me a white paper bag “... a strong anti inflammatory and a cream that will ease the bruising... the instructions for use are in the bag...” 

“Thank you... so much” 

“Are you going to be ok? To take him home?” 

“Of course” 

“From a physical health point of view it would do him no harm to not wear his arm... perhaps you could... gently persuade him out of it... for sleeping...” 

“I’ll try...” 

“Goodnight Savannah...” she hugs me, which takes me slightly by surprise, then once she releases me she pulls a handkerchief from her lab coat and hands it to me “... it’s clean... keep it... and take care” 

“I will” She turns and vanishes back into the ‘physical health’ part of the medical floor. I allow myself a thirty second cry, mop myself up with the handkerchief then open the door to the therapy room again “... ready to go Bucky?” 

“Yes please... thank you Regan...” 

“You’re welcome... if you get home feel you can’t manage the emotions please call me but I assure you once again... you are safe” 

Steve walks us down to the parking garage. What time is it? I’m so fucking tired. 

“Sorry about causing trouble with you and Raven” 

Bucky’s climbing in the Jeep after hugging Steve goodbye. He’s once again putting Hopper in the front seat with him, which he shouldn’t but I am not going to argue this point tonight. 

“Don’t worry about it... I don’t know why she got so mad... we didn’t have anything planned... in fact I was just giving her a tour of the building when you called... so it wasn’t like I had to cancel anything... I’ll talk to her... send her flowers or something... I’m a bit out of practise when it comes to romancing women, guys I’m fine with... women were usually... physical dates only” 

“Yeah please stop talking” 

“Fair enough...” he laughs and hugs me “... don’t be scared to call if you need to... you hear me Little Rogers?” 

“Yes Captain...” 

He waves us off. Bucky’s still silent but he’s not head against the window staring into space. He’s mentally in the room, well the car. He keeps signing and I think he’s gonna say... something but then he stills his body again. FINALLY as we reach the turn for our neighbourhood he reaches and squeezes my hand. 

“Are there any fish tacos left?” 

“Yeah Buck... there’s fish tacos left”


	56. Take a breath don’t it sound so easy?

Steve’s POV

It’s been seventy two hours since Bucky tried to strangle Savannah. 

I made up with Raven. Still no idea why she got so pissed. How am I almost a hundred and still don’t understand women? Maybe I’m gay. Just straight up gay. But... Raven. I took her flowers, I didn’t just have them delivered I drove out there and straight up grovelled. She told me I need to get my priorities straight. 

Now I’m en route to Brooklyn to check on Bucky. I’ve text him but he’s not replied. Which isn’t unlike him, but on this occasion I’m allowed to be concerned. I didn’t want to call Savannah and distract her while she’s in the middle of drawing on someone with big needles. But I will go into her store first. 

I’ve taken the pick up as I have a kind of gift for Bucky. I’m assuming Lang drove this vehicle last because it’s littered with Taco wrappers and has a joker card stuck in the air vent. 

I temporarily park up in the alleyway behind Savannah’s building. Hopefully she’ll be able to give me an idea of Bucky’s frame of mind, his mood, before I go round there. 

Hopper greets me as soon as I open the door he must’ve been in his bed and heard my footsteps coming from the sidewalk. 

“Hey puppy... hey hey... I know I’m pleased to see you too what’s going on huh?” 

“Captain...” Jed’s leading a young punky looking guy out of his studio who looks super pale, but maybe that’s the ‘look’ “...ok Robin remember clean twice a day and don’t fiddle, any problems come back and see me...” he heads for the door and shows out the guy closing it behind him “...tongue piercing... they always look like that... so to what do I owe the pleasure? You’ve come to profess your undying love for me and sweep me away to your penthouse? ... I’m KIDDING... I’m getting married and besides I hear you have a GIRLFRIEND? Traitor...” 

“Sorry?” 

“Did they not have sarcasm in the forties?” 

“I believe it was invented in the sixties, while I was a... popsicle” 

“Funny... she’s in her room... it’s ok she’s alone... and just... is she ok? Has something happened? She’s been... a little bit like the she’s had the wind knocked out of her sails and Bucky... he looks... bad” 

“Erm...” 

“National secrets... I get it” 

“More not my place to say...” 

“Understood... well I’m going to see the fiancé... you know I’ll miss calling him that... it’s so much more exotic than ‘husband’” 

“Do me a favour?” He’s putting his jacket on and gives me a nod “... if you see Bucky don’t let him know I’m here” 

“Don’t spook the spook?” 

“Exactly” 

“Sure thing Captain...” he gives me a mock salute before he goes out the door. 

Hopper trots back into his bed now the novelty of my presence has worn off and I make my way to Savannah’s room. I knock obviously, I’m not a heathen and if she’s changing... I love her I do she’s my friend, she’s amazing for Bucky but her... ahem piercings in... places... make me feel... queasy. 

There’s no response so I knock again. 

“Hello?” Finally she answers “... you can come in Buck... stop being so... polite” 

“Hey...” 

“Oh Big Rogers...” she’s sat on her stool leant over her bench with an old book open on it “... shit is Bucky...” 

“Kind of why I’m here... I haven’t heard from him since...” 

“Oh...” I notice she’s got a high necked sweater on “... I mean he’s kind of... mentally... bruised but he’s trying to get past it... he’s lost some trust in himself... which is the worst, he’s scared to touch me... usually he’s literally attached to me from the second he gets home but... wow I’m sorry... I have no one to talk to about this I guess it’s been building up... sorry...” 

“It’s fine Savannah... your neck is...” 

“A little sore but nothing too bad...” 

“So he’s not gonna react... badly to me visiting?” 

“I don’t think so...” 

“What are you reading anyway?” 

“Oh... it’s a book... about my... family, he... as in my Dad gave me a key to understanding it but... maybe you can’t teach an old dog new tricks...” 

“Speaking of dogs... shall I take Hopper round with me?” 

“No he’s got piles of junk... sharp grimy oily junk... so probably best he stays with me” 

“Understood” 

“Sorry again... about Raven I mean” 

“Yeah it’s... I’m forgiven I guess... anyway good luck with your... book”

“Stay for dinner if you want?” 

“Sounds good to me but let me gage his mood he might only stand five minutes of me before he shuts me out...” 

“Fair... well Big Rogers...” she gives me a salute 

“Little Rogers” 

I park the pick up outside the ridiculously huge doors to Bucky’s shop. Seriously is he planning on getting another fire engine in there? He’s in there as the lights are on. Across the road I see Jed and Brian in The Bean and offer them a wave. Jed makes an obscene hand gesture towards me and receives a lighthearted shove from his fiancé. Did I get an invite to their wedding? I love weddings, I mean what’s not to love? Plus I’ve never been to a same sex wedding but it seems bad form to say ‘Hi can I crash your wedding so I can experience a part of the twenty first century that I haven’t before?’ 

I take the side door as I have no idea how the big doors open. 

It’s... it’s chaos inside. Piles of... junk... with Bucky sitting on the floor in the middle of it. 

“Hey Buck...” 

When he looks up at me I can see he’s absolutely filthy, his face is black with oil smears. 

“Has Savannah sent you?” 

“Hello to you too and no she hasn’t... I text you... you didn’t reply...”

“I said a week...”

“I know but that was if things were... regular and...” 

“Strangling my girlfriend isn’t...” 

“It wasn’t your fault Buck...” 

“Uh huh...”

“So this is what you and Sam brought back huh?” 

“Yup” 

Monosyllabic today then. Great. 

“Anyway... I brought you something... it’s outside in the bed of the pickup... you wanna come see?” 

“Kinda busy here pal...” 

“Buck... come on stop beating yourself up” 

“And what? beat up my girlfriend again instead?”

“You realise she’s fine though, right? I mean she really is... she didn’t get mad, she didn’t get upset, she didn’t kick you out or say she never wanted to see you again...” 

“Which is what I deserved...” 

“Buck... she loves you... supports you... wouldn’t change you for the world... she knew the deal, who you were... what you were... and it didn’t change her mind... I think you’re kinda stuck with her” 

“She deserves better... which is more than I can give her... maybe ever” 

“Nope” 

“Nope?”

“Nope you don’t get to give up on the best thing to happen to you in your entire life over a ‘blip’ what would you do? Where would you live? Can you honestly look me in the face right now and tell me that your life would be better without Savannah?” 

“Didn’t say my life I said HER life...” 

“Yeah I doubt it... Savannah’s sexuality aside before you she’d been so hurt by romantic relationships she’d shut herself away for a decade... she is all in Buck... don’t give it away” 

“Oh right because you know SO MUCH about relationships? You’ve had a girlfriend for A MONTH...” 

“Alright point taken but still... come on Buck... forgive yourself...” 

“I can’t.... I’ve not been able to... even... her neck with the bruises... you have no idea NO IDEA to look at her and know I DID THAT TO HER... I haven’t been able to even touch her since it... happened... she’s wearing high necked sweaters and scarves but in bed on a night and I have to lay next to her and see what I did... what if it happens again? What if it’s worse... what if the soldier turns on and I KILL HER... I KILL THE PERSON WHO SAVED MY LIFE... and then she wouldn’t be here at all... AT ALL... her friends, her Mom... even her Dad... she’d be... gone” 

“Take a breath...” I watch as he takes a gulping breath in and tries to compose himself, he’s always been like this, even before the... soldier, hotheaded “... you totally underestimate her... totally... Buck... she knocked ME on my ass... you honestly think if that did happen she wouldn’t be able to defend herself? Especially as she discovers more about the... other side of herself... Savannah the Asgardian versus the Winter Solider? She’d have the soldier on the floor before he knew what happened... I mean can I remind you that he wasn’t... undefeated... so... forgive yourself even though in her eyes there was NOTHING to forgive” 

“I’m... I mean I was before... it happened... I have a ring...” he’s off the floor, for the first time since I got here, making his way over to his tool cabinet, taking a set of keys out of the pocket of his overalls and unlocking the smallest drawer at the top and pulling out a small blue box “... are you scared of me too? ... come over here...” I’m not, scared of him I mean, I just didn’t want to crowd him. By the time I’ve taken the steps to reach him he’s opened the box and I’m looking at a platinum band with a square teal coloured stone in the centre “... Janis gave it to me... I asked permission... I just haven’t... yet I mean... she told me she’d say yes but now? I’m not so sure” 

“Well... firstly that is a LOT of ring Buck... and of course she’d say yes... I’ll repeat what I said at Christmas... I know I had my doubts at first, I did... but Savannah is... it... honestly I don’t think you’d do any better” 

He actually smiles “Rude... I’m hot stuff... for over ninety...” the box is closed and once again locked away “... I am sorry though... about Raven she was... pissed” 

“All forgotten... now... come on... I brought you something...” 

“Fine... it better be worth me coming outside... it’s cold” 

“Says the man who lived in a freezer... too soon?” 

“Fuck you bud... fuck you” He’s laughing and shaking his head as we make our way outside. He stops when he sees what’s in the bed of the truck “... and again FUCK YOU... DID YOU STEAL THIS?”

“I can’t steal something that’s actually mine” 

“Technically the army’s” 

“WAS... anyway it doesn’t run anymore... and I figured you could help?” 

“I’m not surprised, it’s from the forties, it’s been through ACTUAL war zones... remember that time you jumped off it while riding it and it slid into a mud bank where a trench was dug? In Germany right? Probably got mud in it as I don’t remember seeing it after that day...” 

“You... remember?” 

“Huh... guess I do... have you ridden it since then?” 

“Not that I remember... I’m fairly sure that was the last time I saw it before I became a... snow cone... now... you gonna help me or what?” 

“With you dressed like that? There’s a spare overall in the apartment... I’ll wheel this in while you get changed don’t wanna get your Grandpa clothes dirty” 

“Says the man that dresses like a cross between he’s in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and a skateboarder... have you ever even stood on a skateboard?” 

“Hoverboard yes... did not end well... now go... change” 

I find the overalls no bother, still in the packet on the bed. The bed that’s been stripped of sheets and pillows meaning he’s not been sleeping here which is good. At least he’s not been sneaking back here and avoiding Savannah entirely, plus there’s not a scrap of evidence of him eating here either, no crockery or cutlery, used or clean... anywhere. And when I go to the bathroom to change there’s no evidence of him being in here either. Bar a hand towel, soap and toilet paper... no toothbrush, deodorant... good. 

“Buck...” 

“Yeah...” 

“This is safe right?” I’m standing at the top of the pole, I didn’t slide down it before because he’d not had it checked 

“I’ve told you before... yes it is... I had it checked...” 

“If you’re lying... do you know how valuable my ass is? It’s America’s ass” 

“Yeah... yeah... just do it Stevie... come on...” 

I take a deep breath in and swing myself out and on the pole. It takes less than a second before my feet are on the solid concrete floor of his workshop “Huh...” 

“You wanna go again don’t you?” 

“Kind of yeah...” 

“Later... I need your help here... you know about engines come on...” He’s got the bike on the side of the shop that doesn’t have a huge pile of metal sitting on it and he’s lifted it up on a stand so it’s eye level with him. I go stand next to him and look at it but I’ve no idea what I am looking at “... yeah see here?” He points to... something “... it’s definitely got a blockage of some sort and I bet whatever is in there is in all of it... AND it’ll have settled at the bottom of the tank too... did it turn over at all?” 

“Nope...” 

“Maybe the spark plugs... you got anywhere you need to be?” 

“Not right now...” 

“Good... we are gonna take this to pieces and I mean PIECES... clean each part then put it back together... not all today obviously... so... spanner?” 

“Which one...” 

“For fucks sake... I’m going to hand you a tool and you can deal with taking the seat and wheels off yes?” 

“Yes?” 

“This is gonna be FUN” 

It is fun. We work mostly without words, I think everything that needed to be said has been, the only conversation now is about the task at hand. The radio is on, he’s very much adopted Savannah’s taste in music, which means I know none of it. He’s occasionally singing and whistling along. It’s not... bad, just not my taste. I mean I missed a lot when it comes to music and movies, before I went into the ice music was big bands crooning about innocent things like sitting under apple trees, I come out of the ice and people are singing about sex... in graphic detail, it was... an adjustment. I missed out on everything in between. Same with movies when Gone With the Wind used the word ‘dam’ it was truly shocking when I came back I hard pushed to find a movie without cursing, again I don’t mind this I’m not a prude, I just missed out on the to journey from ‘dam’ to ‘fuck’ as the norm.

“Well... this is... something...” 

I’d not even noticed the door opening I’d been so engrossed in cleaning mud out of a pipe, which pipe I’m not sure but I’m hoping Bucky does and will be able to put it back where it’s supposed to go. Bucky stops what he’s doing at the sound of Savannah’s voice and heads over to her. I try not to look, I know she’s embarrassed by PDA so I don’t turn to look but I can still see them from the corner of my eye. 

I see Bucky walk purposefully towards her, he takes her face in his hands, despite them being filthy, kisses her then wraps his arms around her tightly, lifting her off the floor. I can tell by the way she doesn’t object and by the way she sinks into the embrace that this is the first time they’ve... done this since the... incident. I can also hear them, I don’t want to but I can. 

“I love you... so much... I’m so sorry...” 

“It’s not your fault Buck... but you punishing yourself by not touching me... that hurts more... I miss you even when you’re next to me” 

“Yeah... well... we can do a whole lot of touching later... deal?” 

“Deal...” 

“Good... kiss me... please...” 

“If I do will you put me down?” 

“Swear...” 

I look very intently at the pipe and listen to the music, something about counting Maria? I don’t know why she needs counting but I like the energy of the song. 

“So... still here?” she’s stood over me Bucky’s putting away some wrenches 

“Yeah... this has been... good...” 

“Thank you... for erm whatever you said to him” 

“My pleasure...” I’d been trying to hold it but I can’t anymore and I burst out laughing she has two perfect oily handprints on her cheeks 

“What?” 

“Your face” 

She pulls a mirror from her purse and checks out her face “GODDAMMIT BARNES” 

“Sorry Doll...” 

“So Big Rogers... would you like to join us for dinner?” 

“I think... I mean... I’ll let you two have some... time” 

“Is that your polite way of saying you’d rather not spend an evening with a freshly made up couple?” 

“Pretty much... yeah” 

“In which case I take no offence, but please bring Raven out to Brooklyn soon huh? Come slum with us we can go to the Chinese place on the avenue and Bucky can tell you why fortune cookies are a government conspiracy while he eats his own body weight in dim sum” 

“I’d like that, I’ll be sure to ask her...” 

“Are you talking about the Chinese on the avenue? Steve you down for it? I could eat my way through a literal tonne of crispy seaweed right now” 

“As wonderful as it sounds Buck how about you and Savannah have a takeout tonight... and erm... reconnect and we can go there another time... I’ll bring Raven and you can tell us all about fortune cookies... but for now... I’m gonna take my leave and head home” 

I go change, don’t wanna add oil to the destruction inside the pick up. Savannah and Bucky stand outside and wave me off, her face now thankfully grime free. As I’m driving away and look back they’re walking away from his shop, Bucky’s got his arm around Savannah’s shoulder holding her as close to him as he can, putting kisses to her head as they walk. They look like love. Like no matter what life throws at you or who you are or who you were or what your preferences are towards sexuality somewhere in the world there’s a person who loves you despite all that. 

I call Raven. 

“Hey this is Raven, leave a message...” 

“Hey... it’s me... Steve... Rogers... look I know... I know you’ve maybe felt like I’m not... as available as you’d like me to be but I just want you to know that erm... I think you’re... amazing and I want this... I mean you... I am... I will be committed... to you... I don’t want to lose what I believe could be something truly special so I am all in... I’m just headed back to the tower it would be great to see you and erm... I’ll finish that tour of the defence levels so you can see how we’re keeping you and the kids safe... yeah... bye” 

It’s a whole new world.


	57. It’s a rich man’s world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live with a chronic pain condition and it’s bad today so I’m kind of high on meds, sorry if this chapter is a bit... all over the place

I’m pulled into the bedroom and stripped out of my clothes, and we get under the covers and just lay there, wrapped round each other, naked. Sometimes, just sometimes, cuddling that becomes fucking and then fucking becoming cuddling again is the best thing in the world. There’s hours of stopping and starting and positions that are made up on the spot because you’re so comfy wrapped around each other but you need to be attached just that little bit more. Then everything becomes a bit frantic and heated and there’s pulling around coming from both of us, I’m pushed on my back, he’s pushed on to his and there’s so much head.

I get up to go and make a drink but instead I’m pushed up against the wall behind the bed, him on his knees in front of me pulling my legs around his waist and I’m bounced, there is no other word for it, on his dick, my back scraping against the wall so hard there’ll be a friction burn there. After hours of gentle caressing his animal side comes out to play and its exciting being aggressively pinned against something, just tossed around and held up like a rag doll, like I weigh nothing. I drag my finger nails across his back which causes him to push me harder into the wall behind me, I’m glad the bed is too heavy to move or it would be moving with us right now.

“Jesus fucking Christ Bucky” He doesn’t respond with words just thrusts harder and faster grunting into my ear, biting my neck, I can’t put into words how it’s making me feel, I’ve felt like I’ve been on the verge of cumming for hours.

“You’re going to cum Savannah you’re going to break apart against me, knees shaking…” my hips clash against his, me pushing down him pushing up, friction building all over my body, my heart rate speeding up, my breath coming in short spurts against his skin “…pussy tightening…”

“Oh holy fuck…” my fingernails dig so hard into his back I’m sure I’ve got his skin under my nails and I think for a moment I’ve hurt him, pushed his pain for pleasure receptor just a little bit too far as his makes this strangled noise but quickly we’re nose to nose, he’s staring into my eyes, watching me just fall apart in orgasm. 

He grips his fingers into my butt where he’s holding me and cums, making one of those heavenly sounds that will be ringing in my ears all night. He doesn’t let go straight away but my legs release from around his waist slightly, and I’m kissed sweetly. I don’t know how he does it, one minute I’m being fucked, the next I’m being loved. It’s like there’s a switch that I pushed in him, sometimes though like earlier when it gets stuck between the two and love is made, my toes curls and I feel like I’m in a nest of light and warmth. I wouldn’t change him for the world.

He gets up first. Goes to get his cell and order the Chinese on Uber Eats. Which probably means he’ll order enough to feed everyone in Brooklyn and I’ll end up running on left over noodles for the next three days. 

I throw on some shorts and a tee of his before I head to the bathroom to clean up, men get it so easy when it comes to... sticky stuff clean up. Hopper’s out of his cage and insists on coming into the bathroom with me, laying across my feet as I pee and clean myself.

When I come out Bucky’s half out the kitchen window smoking, he’s just in his boxers and I have a moment of what... the... fuck. Because here’s this guy, this stacked mountain of a man with those goddam thighs. I will openly admit, though I’d never tell him, he’s gotten a little squishier around the middle over the last year. The first time I kissed him in my hospital room after I’d been shot it was like colliding with a marble statue. But still... even now... does he work out when I’m asleep? Is he capable of doing a hundred sit ups in a minute? Does he run really fast like Superman? What’s the deal Barnes? It’s like a statue of Adonis dating a jello mould aka me. 

“Doll?”

Those thighs though, they’re like the most glorious things on the earth, especially when at the top of them is his butt, his butt that fills out his jeans in ways that just make me want to play it like a set of bongos. And don’t even get me started on the dick of destruction, destroyer of my poor vagina. No other dick will ever match up. Then the arms, I mean a metal arm? Super handy for many many things never again will I have to worry about lifting heavy objects or struggle to open a jar. And the flesh arm? With the bicep as big as my head? Never did I think it would be something I was into yet here we are. The broad chest and shoulders my favourite place to lay my fat head. And the scruff fluff combination of his head and face, with the dimple... ahhh the dimple, how could anyone resist that dimple or those steel blue eyes that let you know where home is. 

And his personality? The one that’s grown and now shines like a freaking moonbeam. 

What a glorious specimen of a man. 

“SAVANNAH...” 

Does he think about me? The way I think about him? I want to just... I don’t know... look inside his brain? I think he’s had that enough times though... I guess he’ll always be a mystery. 

“Is this an Asgard thing? Savannah...” 

Why does he want to marry me? I mean look at Steve and Raven, I’d put them together, super hero, model-esque girlfriend. Me and Bucky? Maybe people think it’s a joke? No... no... gotta stop thinking on this and just appreciate the view. Thighs... Also he’s so furry... furry... kinda like a bear, didn’t Steve tell me there was a cartoon someone made about them and he was a bear, Bucky Bear? Adorable... the fearsome Winter Soldier actually a cuddly furry bear... 

There’s something blocking my view of the VIEW. What is that? Like a blue blur. 

“Doll?” 

Oh it’s him, he’s waving his metal hand in front of my face “What did you say?” 

“Where did you go? I’ve been trying to talk to you for five minutes” 

“Admiring the view...” 

“Oh...” 

“You’re so... how did I get so lucky?” 

“You’re not so bad yourself...” he crowds me, wrapping his arms around me kissing my shoulder, kissing the fading bruises around my neck “... wanna go again?” 

“I love you so much...” 

“But no?” 

“But no... my poor vagina Buck... needs a break... if you give me a UTI I will kick you in the balls” 

“Well... rain check?” 

“Oh for sure...” 

“Now... you...” he lifts me up by putting his hands under my butt and I’m puts me down on the kitchen counter “... sit there and...” he hands me a can of diet root beer from the fridge and I in no way lose myself in staring at his ass as he bends over to get it “... drink this... rehydrate... it’s important after a heavy... workout to replace your electrolytes... or so all those commercials tell me...” 

“Uh huh... do you feel... better?” 

I get a kiss to the end of my nose “... so much Doll... so much... you and Fuckass were right... I needed to just... move on... it was not my fault...” 

“It really wasn’t... do you think we should have a plan of sorts if it happens again?” 

“Yes... if it happens again I want you to slap me straight away... no hesitation ok... because I know that you put me first... you were worried about hurting me... so you listen to me...” he’s got a hand flat either side of my legs on the counter “... you hit me, kick me, slap me, pinch... bite... tug... and do not feel guilty about it... understood?” 

“Yes Sargent...” I look down at his dog tags hanging perfectly in the centre of his chest, he looks down too, takes the drink from my hand and tosses it behind him where it actually lands in the sink I mean... come on dude... his fingers head towards my neck but I’m not scared, I know what he’s going to do which is pull me closer, closing the gap between us and kissing me. Ok so maybe I could deal with some more... friction “... take your pants off” 

“In front of the child?” 

I look down and see Hopper sitting on the floor at Bucky’s feet looking at us like we’re crazy.

“Hopper... go bed... GO BED” 

He whines once and then trots off to lay in the arm chair. 

Bucky’s face is millimetres from mine again “Pants off you say?” 

His flesh hand is snaking it’s way up and underneath my shirt “... yeah Barnes...” 

The doorbell rings out “GODDAMMIT... I’ll get it, it’s food time” 

“You’re only wearing underpants and have a fairly obvious boner” 

“Yeah I don’t care... and that’ll be gone by the time I get down the stairs” he kisses my forehead and moves away, Hopper’s off his chair again and barking “... it’s just the takeout pal no need to worry” 

“Chinese... and you didn’t invite me? I’m offended... so this is... Brooklyn” 

“Tony?” 

Tony Stark is stood in our apartment. Tony Stark is stood in our apartment and I’m barely dressed and Bucky is even LESS dressed with his hands covering his crotch. Tony Stark is stood in our apartment and it smells of sex. Tony Stark is stood in our apartment with arms full of Chinese takeout. Tony Stark is stood in our apartment with arms full of OUR Chinese takeout. 

“In order... I was in the neighbourhood, I know the code to the door... obviously... I met the delivery driver as he was getting out the car... so...” he walks over to the table and dumps the bags down on there, then he heads to the kitchen and starts looking in cupboards “...now when it’s just the two of you eating takeout in your underwear is acceptable I mean I do it all the time... don’t tell Pepper... but when you have company it’s polite to be dressed so... I’m gonna find... ahhh here we go plates... so you two go put clothes on... I don’t care what clothes just be more dressed than you are now... pants at least and I’ll be waiting...” 

Both me and Bucky are frozen looking at each other. Hopper, the traitor is wagging his tail, rubbing around Tony’s feet. 

“Erm...” 

“Pants both of you now...” 

Bucky helps me from the counter and we head to the bedroom, closing the door behind us. There’s a few whispers of what the fuck and some shrugs while we toss on the nearest clothes to us mainly because I don’t want Tony Stark digging around in my apartment unsupervised. Once we’re dressed in quite frankly a random assortment of clothing we stand by the closed door, give each other a strong shrug of again, what the fuck? Then a nod of ‘let’s do this’ before he opens the door for me. 

Tony’s sitting at the table, he’s set himself a place, good job Bucky ordered so much food. Alpine is sitting on the counter eyeballing him also wondering what the fuck? 

“Much better... I cracked the window... I mean you two can wallow in the scent of your sins, me? Not so much... come on sit down...” We sit next to each other opposite him. He’s already opened all the takeout boxes and helped himself to samples of various dishes “... this is really good... you know living... as I do I forget that garbage food is sometimes the best food... what did this cost like fifty bucks” 

“Thirty...” 

“Thirty dollars? I can’t remember the last time I ate something that cost less than that for just one dish... so... come on... I’ll eat it all seriously... I will...” he stabs a dumpling with his fork and dumps it on his plate. 

Bucky plays ‘mother’ and dishes food on to my plate as I’m kind of too dumbfounded to coordinate myself into moving right now. He nudges me and motions to my fork to make me act with a vague normality. Even though this situation is far from normal. 

I begin the conversation “So...” 

“I wonder if I could get this place to deliver to the Tower...” 

“Why are you here Tony?” 

“Eat your food Savannah...” I manage to get a fork laden with rice to my face and into my mouth, he’s right, it is good... it’s also mine... I mean ours “... everyone keeps coming out here... I was curious... plus a little bird told me you’re about to renovate this building and I want to pay for it” 

“Excuse me?” 

“Think of it as an investment... on my part... you... Savannah have a wonderful business here... and it was wonderful before you became associated with... us... you built it off your own reputation and talent... I’d be a fool to not want to invest... SO what I thought was... I pay for your renovation of THIS building and I’d like to open a chain of Kirby Dots with staff chosen by you... you would receive a certain profit percentage yearly of course...” 

“No...” 

“Doll... don’t be proud about this...” 

“You didn’t let me finish... what is the end game Tony? I mean you are... you... so what’s the catch?” 

“Well firstly... I want to have other... avenues than...” 

“War?” 

“Yes... war... BUT here this... location... you are both... not regular people if there was a world ending threat you’d be there to fight? I know you would Barnes because you wouldn’t let Steve and Sam fight without you and you Little Rogers wouldn’t want to leave them to it... plus you’ve got a great energy when you’re angry I’m a HUGE fan of your swinging style... so I’d like this to be a safe house... chances are it’d never be used but this location is so... ordinary and unsuspecting” 

“There isn’t room...” 

“I was thinking about a basement?” 

“As what? An armoury? No way... it’s bad enough he feels the need to have A gun” 

“Nope I mean a literal safe house... a place to hide...” 

“I think we’d have to talk about it” 

“By all means...” Tony resumes his eating waving his fork at us in a motion that means talk now.

I turn to Bucky who’s been quiet up to now, mainly because he’s shovelling food in his face, his ability to eat and sleep no matter what is going on around him astounds me “Bucky?” 

“Mmmm?” 

“What do you think?” 

“Not my decision?” 

“You live here?” 

“It’s your business?” 

“What about the safe house?” 

“I mean... it’s not a... bad idea... if there’d have been somewhere safe for me to stay I’d probably not have hidden in Europe for so long...” 

“It would have to have a separate door, totally separate” 

Tony shrugs “Obviously” 

Bucky nods then goes back to eating, he’s started on the crispy seaweed which means he’ll be in a place where there’s only the food, if he could dive into a swimming pool filled with crispy seaweed he would. 

“Then in principal... yes... I’d want full control of the renovation for the apartment and my store” 

“All you’d need to do is send me the bill” 

“And I’d want to look at a proper contract for the... other Kirby Dots...” 

“I wouldn’t expect anything else...” 

“I’ll bring my own lawyer” 

“Impartial... smart” 

“Ok then... Buck?” He makes an agreeable sound around his mouthful of food which I’m taking as a yes.

He claps his hands together “Wonderful” 

“You could’ve... emailed me?” 

“I wanted to see my potential investment up close? PLUS I know what... happened the other night and wanted to make sure you were both... good... which CLEARLY you are... AND...” 

“I knew there was an ‘and’...” 

“He wants to talk to us without anyone listening” 

“Barnes that’s the smartest thing you’ve said since I got here...” 

“Why is it always our apartment?” 

“I told you it’s inconspicuous... I’m worried about Steve” 

“Have you been talking to Sam?” Bucky’s pointing his fork at Tony

“Bird boy? No... should I have?” 

“I had this conversation like four days ago with him” 

“Good we’re on the same page... this Raven... person, what does she want with Steve?” 

“That’s exactly what I said...” 

“Erm... don’t mean to bruise any egos here but have either of you LOOKED at Steve? There’s a reason he gets so much booty and so easily... he’s Captain America...” 

“Exactly” cry both of them in unison 

“You’re Tony Stark... come on... if she was anything suspicious you’d have found it?” 

“Everyone that steps in that building is scanned, by FRIDAY, I know their deepest darkest secrets within seconds, and she has none... NONE and I don’t trust people who don’t have a dark side... even if that dark side is they like rum raisin ice cream” 

“So what she’s too... nice?” 

“Yes... Barnes... what’s your... soldier senses telling you on this one?” 

“We went out to dinner... I knew as soon as I saw her I didn’t like her, before she’d even opened her mouth... she is not the person she says she is...” 

“He thinks she’s an alien” 

“I never said ‘alien’ I said ‘not human’ and like I said to Sam I think she’s a threat... but to what or to whom I don’t know... do you know about Project Insight?” 

“Do I know about Project Insight? Of course I know about Project Insight I’m Tony Stark” 

“Then where are the lists?” 

“The lists of targets? Destroyed... no need to keep the information... at least that’s what I was told but they were enemies of HYDRA... the bad guys... but it’s not a bad idea... I’ll do some digging... so this was wonderful this food was fantastic...” he wipes his mouth on a napkin and stands up “... and I’m glad we’re in agreement over Raven... I’m Tony Stark I’ve got more important things to do than sit around in Brooklyn... Brooklyn of all places... why couldn’t it have been SoHo? If I go outside and my rims have been stolen I will... get an Uber home... Hopper, Alpine always a pleasure to see you two...” 

He leaves without another word or a wave back towards me and Bucky. 

“Well... that was... unexpected” 

“He ate all the wontons, that fucker...” 

“You’re concerned about food right now?” 

“Aren’t you?” 

“Tony Stark just...”

“Offered you a deal worth millions?”

“Yeah”

“It’s a good deal... I mean if Stark wants to buy the whole world and he’s rich enough to do it then let him, he paid for half my shop”

“WHAT?”

“Yeah... did I not tell you? I forgot to tell you... sorry... look the deal is pretty much like we don’t work FOR him but technically we’re on his payroll... we’re ‘reserve’ Avengers remember? It’s like a... what’s the word? Retainer... we don’t take up his money living in the Tower or eating his food or paying us a salary... so he ‘helps’ us lead as regular lives as possible so long as he can rely on us if we’re needed for... avenging? And he’s rich enough to do it... is there at least some noodles left?” He reaches for a container “Yup... SCORE” 

“And you’re good with... this?” 

“Yes... how were we gonna pay for the renovation? Split the cost? And how would you have raised your half?” 

“I still have my compensation from being shot” 

“Well you can keep that... plus if he’s paying we don’t need to worry about budgets... we could have the whole interior gold plated and he’d just shrug and pay the bill...” 

“So you’re saying we should rinse Tony Stark?” 

“Yeah... he wants his... basement... he can have it but we can have whatever we want up here, you can have state of the art equipment downstairs... and he can foot the bill” 

“And what if we have to... avenge?” 

“I mean I’d try and get you not to... but you’d give me the capable of fighting speech and I’d lose... but the world is pretty much safe I doubt we’d ever have to... avenge” 

“But Raven?” 

“Don’t think she’s capable of ending the world... whatever she is” 

“I want an outfit” 

“You do... I’ll treat you... take my card out of my wallet go crazy on ASOS... get some cute panties though... that’s my only request... the shorts with little stars or hearts or stripes... they make your butt look great... I mean I am a fan of the... thong but...” 

“Well ok... yeah I’ll take your card but I didn’t mean that kind of outfit...” 

“Oh...” he’s got a wicked smile “... you wanna play... dress up? I was always quite fond of a nurses uniform... yeah I could get into that a hundred percent... what about a... air hostess... and some of those stockings YES some of those...” 

“What? No... have you been walking past the adult store again?” 

“Yes... it’s on the way to that deli I like... I’m still not a hundred percent down with the dildo thing... or... pegging but... I love you I’ll try if you want...” 

“I am not fucking you in the ass... I’m still traumatised from you fucking me in the ass” 

“It was an accident... you moved and I... missed... so a nurses outfit? not latex obviously... don’t want rock up at the medical level with you in thigh highs and no panties...” 

“Stop saying panties... I didn’t mean a regular outfit... nor did I mean a... sex outfit... I want an OUTIFT” 

He looks puzzled for a second then the penny drops “OH... an outfit OUTFIT” 

“Yes... I am not running toward danger in my jeans... I want an outfit...” 

“Well it’ll have to have a sports bra I am NOT watching them bounce around when I’m supposed to be kicking ass... maybe a smock... a plain black smock so I can’t see your body at all...” 

“So I’m just a floating head?” 

“Maybe a mask as well...” 

“You’re ridiculous” 

“Kiss me...” I lean over and kiss him, he tastes like sex, soy sauce and menthol cigarettes “... but you’ll get a nurses outfit... right?” 

“Are you planning on having a fever?” 

“You know I think I might be...” he kisses me again “... a fever that can only be cured by Nurse Rogers... in thigh highs and a little paper hat giving me head” 

“I love you” 

“I know” 

“Take your pants off...”


	58. Breakfast in America

Tony Stark had come to our apartment and offered to make my wildest dreams come true. 

You’d think that this coupled with an exhausting... time with my boyfriend and plenty of good food would make for a sound nights sleep. 

But there’s something I’m missing. 

In this grand expansion. In this life altering plan. 

Bucky’s fast asleep. On his back. Snoring. 

It’s not him. 

It’s like a math problem, I’m missing a variable in the equation. 

Mom? Nope. 

Steve? Nope. 

Shit. 

“We need to talk to Jed” 

“I’ll get the shovel” 

“What?” 

“Kill Jed? I’ll get the shovel...” 

“No TALK to Jed... TALK... BUCKY” 

“What?” 

“Wake up...” 

“I’m awake... got it... kill Jed... did you want to drop him in the Hudson? I’ve got concrete blocks in the shop...” he’s not awake, I’m sat up so I turn back and twist his nipple as hard as I can “... JESUS I’M UP I’M UP” he finally opens his eyes and sits up in bed “... why are we killing Jed?” 

“No we need to TALK to Jed... TALK...” 

“Oh... that makes more sense” 

“You’d kill Jed?” 

“For you I’d kill anyone... no questions asked” 

“That’s either super scary or super sexy... but we need to talk to Jed... about EVERYTHING” 

“I agree” 

“You do?” 

“Yes” 

“Are you saying that so you can go back to sleep?” 

“No?” 

“Liar” 

“You’re right, if you go ahead with all this... Tony idea... you’re gonna have to tell Jed just from an employer point of view... and I’m gonna do the magazine thing... open myself to the world and I think Jed would be upset that I hadn’t told him first... same with your... Dad... thing, so yes... talk to Jed... I’ll take Hopper out first thing, get breakfast and we’ll talk to Jed before we do anything else, good?” 

“Yup” 

He grabs hold of the back of my bed shirt and pulls me into laying back down, does his folding me like I’m a pretzel thing so he’s plastered to my back “NOW can I go back to sleep?” 

“Yup” 

“Good... if you need me to kill anyone it can wait till after breakfast” 

He’s snoring again moments later. Unbelievable. 

He keeps to his word though. I stir as he gets up to take the puppy out and fetch food. And by the time they’re back I’m up and in the kitchen, awake enough to be washing up last nights dishes. Number one on the renovation list, a dishwasher. 

“Look who I found...” 

“Savannah... is everything alright? Bucky made Brian get me out of bed... said you needed to talk to me? Have I done something wrong? Please don’t fire me, I love my job, I know I’ve been... distracted but I swear I’ll put my head back in the game and...” 

I look at Jed, wonderful stereo typical gay twink Jed with his asymmetric hair and stylish clothes. He looks so... frightened. 

“You’re not in trouble... nor are you fired... come and have breakfast with me and Bucky... we’ve got some things to tell you... Buck what did you get for breakfast?” 

“Oh he bought out almost the whole of the Bean, so I take it we’re expecting other people?” 

“No just us... come...” I’m gathering plates and cutlery from the kitchen “...sit...” 

“No offence guys I have so much love for both of you but this place is super chaotic and I don’t know how you live like this...” 

“Kinda why we want to talk to you... so SIT DOWN” 

Jed pulls up a chair at the dining table, once again I’m sitting next to Bucky, our guest opposite us. Bucky’s pulling what seems like an endless amount of food from three bags, and he’s brought back a box of coffee... a box of coffee... I didn’t even know there was such a thing. Like wine in a box BUT COFFEE. 

“Help yourself Jed or I’ll eat it all...” 

“He’s not kidding he will...” 

Jed nervously picks up a bagel and starts to nibble at it, he looks at us, then at me directly, looks me up and down “OH... OH... really? Why the dramatics? I mean I get it you said I was rushing with Brian but seriously... you two... a baby? That’s amazing” 

Bucky doesn’t even flinch. 

“Why does everyone think when I need to talk to them it’s because I’m pregnant?” 

“You’re not?” 

“No...” 

“I know... I’m surprised too Jed I mean the amount of times we go at it...” 

“BUCKY” 

“Inappropriate?” 

“As always... but you’re the start of this... conversation so why don’t you go first and it’ll give me and Jed time to eat something before you consume it all...” 

I grab a pastry and cup of coffee while Bucky wipes his face with a left over napkin from last nights ‘discussion’.

“Jed... my name is James Buchanan Barnes... and I was born in nineteen twenty five...” 

“No...” 

“Yes...” 

“But that would make you...” I can see a Jed trying to do the math

“Almost a hundred years old? Yes it would... I was... part of a special... unit in World War Two... Steve was too... there was an accident and I... technically I ‘died’... but... I was actually captured... I was... I mean I am the longest serving prisoner of war... I escaped... eventually and well I’m here... now?” 

“But you’d be... old... or... dead?” 

“Frozen... like Steve... the less you know about that part of my life the better believe me... I was... some... bad things happened to me... to my memory...” 

“Your arm...” 

“Yeah I lost that falling from a train... I survived the fall... that’s when the... bad guys found me... how else did you think I knew Steve?” 

“I figured he was army... you were... army... I don’t know I thought he’d met you at a support group or something... I mean if you have a link to Captain America you don’t question it or complain you just sit back and admire the view...” 

“So... the bad guys... and I want to assure you that you are not in any danger, nor is Brian... they... grabbed me... about two years ago... and I escaped... again... I found a phone book which had S. Rogers and this address listed... I thought Savannah was... Steve... especially because of the old name of the shop... so I’d been... hiding in the alleyway for a week or so but I knew my time was running out I was getting... sicker... so one night I approached Savannah and she took me to Steve” 

“That’s how you met? In the alleyway? ... how... romantic... ok... why are you telling me this now?” 

“I’m going to be featured in a magazine... about vintage bikes and I’m... ready for the world to know who I am and I... WE thought it would be unfair for you to find out that way...” 

“Then I appreciate your honesty but really was there the need to get me out of bed so early?” 

“Well that’s just the first part of it... Doll... you go...” 

I take a deep breath, and put down my pastry, Bucky gives my had a squeeze for reassurance “... my Dad isn’t dead” 

“And you didn’t start with... THAT? I mean we live in a world where Avengers exist, Spiderman, ant man... a guy that turns green... that’s kind of... no offence Bucky... old news... not dead Dad? Now THAT is exciting” 

Bucky laughs, crumbs shaking off his croissant “... oh honey... that is just the BEGINNING...”

“So on New Years Eve we went to Asgard” 

“Asgard like Thor Asgard?” 

“Yes... while we were there I had some wine...” 

“She had A LOT of wine” 

“The wine had an effect on me... an effect that could only happen if I was of Asgardian decent... which I am... and my Dad didn’t die... he... vanished when my Mom was pregnant with me... but he’s recently... returned... and is here to help me find out more about... that part of me” 

“So you’re... magic?” 

“Not so far?” 

“Well... this is all... something else huh... so an old man and a potentially magic tattooist live in Brooklyn with a puppy and a cat? I mean... stranger things have happened... and thank you... for trusting me enough to tell me this... I mean obviously Janis knows... of course she does... and she lied to you... she lied to you your whole life... oh Sav... that is rough and must’ve hurt... I’m sorry...” 

“It’s ok... we’re over it... but this is the next part...” 

“THERE’S MORE?” 

“Yes... and this... it does effect Bucky but mainly it effects you... what are your career goals?” 

“I knew it... you’re firing me” 

“Again, not firing you... I mean currently you work for me with a contract written on a napkin... are you happy in your job?” 

“Yes... very much so... and I’d like to stay happy in my job for a long time...” 

“Good... BUT... Kirby Dots is going to undergo some changes... firstly we’re going to renovate both the store and up here... get you a PROPER room to pierce in and while that’s happening you can either come work with me out of temporary studio OR you can take an extended leave of absence while the work is completed... I would still pay you as if you were at work... you don’t need to give me an immediate answer... think it over... but when Kirby Dots is complete I’ll be giving you a proper contract and an updated position... last night Tony Stark...” 

“TONY STARK? As in the guy who flies around in a suit... billionaire Tony Stark?” 

“Adjacent to Captain America remember? So yeah... that one... he’s kind of an ass... but Steve is my friend and Tony is kind of his boss... plus you know he saved my life with all his... fancy medical equipment” 

“Tony Stark wants to start a chain of Kirby Dots... he sees it as a good investment...” 

“So I’d work for Tony Stark?” 

“No you’d still work for me” 

“But YOU’D work for Tony Stark?” 

“Not exactly... he’d get the name Kirby Dots and I’d pick the staff... and obviously I’d need your help picking piercers” 

“Wow... has it ever been done before? A... chain of tattoo shops?” 

“Not on the scale he’s thinking of... but I’m sure there’d be standards like pricing and so on... that would be the only change to OUR Kirby Dots bar the renovation of course... so like I said... think about it... talk to Brian...” 

“I have some questions” 

“Oh me too Jed but I want a lawyer to talk to Tony before...” 

“Not about that... you’re smart I trust you... I... that night... that night I saw Iron Man fly down the street outside that was because of you... wasn’t it Bucky?” Bucky nods at him but doesn’t offer further explanation “... and when YOU Savannah disappeared for that weekend after the party said Janis had crashed the van... suppliers party? Of course it wasn’t... was it?” 

“No it wasn’t... I was at the tower... I was at the tower... a lot before you... met Bucky” 

“And when you had to go because Bucky had been... injured” 

“That I can’t tell you about” 

“SON OF A BITCH it really was Natasha Romanoff... oh my god I am an idiot... and the other guy... the insurance guy...” 

“That was Sam Wilson” 

“THE FALCON? How many Avengers have I met?” 

“That’s it... I swear... oh wait... Spiderman too but you hid under the reception desk” 

“Oh god I hid under the reception desk...” he huffs out a breath “... but I’m... safe? And Brian?” 

“Yes... BUT please do not tell Becca any of this” 

“Becca? Who’s... Becca that works in the bean Becca?” 

“She is my... erm... what is it Doll?” 

“Becca is Bucky’s great niece, her Grandma is Bucky’s... was Bucky’s sister, Rebecca... up to now she knows they’re related she just doesn’t know how closely they’re related” 

“So you lived here before? In Brooklyn I mean before you went to war?” 

“Yeah... but my home... it’s not there anymore... it was in the projects... the reason I thought Savannah was Steve or rather this was Steve’s address is it’s where he used to live, I mean not in THIS building but this neighbourhood” 

“Things must be pretty wild compared to... back then?” 

“You have no idea...” 

“Well... this has been... educational... and to be honest worth getting out of bed on a Sunday for... I have one request...” 

“Sure...” 

“My new contract can it include health insurance? And... some sort of paternity leave?” 

“Are you and Brian gonna have a baby?” 

“We’ve talked about it” 

“Tony Stark is paying... you want health insurance I’ll get you health insurance...” 

“And I want Captain America to come to my wedding” 

“Done...” Bucky slaps his hands on the table “...he’s never been to a same sex wedding told me he wanted to go... he’d bring the... girlfriend though” 

Jed’s eyebrows raise “You don’t like her?” 

“Erm... national secret?” 

“Why do I get the feeling that is going to be your go to answer for awkward questions?” 

“It’s classified...” 

“Mmmhmmm that’s what I thought... it’s Sunday... can I get back to bed now? I mean Brian may have drawn the short straw by having the morning shift on a Sunday it does not mean I have to get up with him... and why are two up so early?” 

“We have a child...” Hopper barks in agreement at Bucky’s statement, I’m fairly sure he thinks his name is ‘child’ or ‘puppy’ or ‘bubba’ basically anything but his actual name “... plus Sav couldn’t sleep last night because she realised she needed to talk to you... and I’d quite like a peaceful nights sleep tonight... so...” 

“Stand up... both of you...” Jed pushes his chair away from the table and stands up making his way towards the door “... come on” Bucky gets up first and offers his hand to pull me up, it’s a good job he does as my legs are SORE, we make our way hand in hand to where Jed is “... bring it in...” he opens his arms “...group hug...” we squash ourselves together, Jed kisses each of us on the cheek “... I love you both... and I’m honoured you told me your journeys... you beautifully weird people” he gives us one more squeeze tighter then releases us and steps back “... have a good day guys and I’ll see you tomorrow... and please try not to do anything... else until then because I really want a nap...” 

“We’ll try...” 

“Enjoy your nap man...” 

“Bye guys...” 

I hear his light footsteps making their way down the stairs and then the door opening and closing as he leaves. 

“Feel better?” 

“You literally went to get him?” 

“Of course I did...” we’re side by side so I move slightly to wrap my arms around his waist and face him “... you’d been over thinking it all night I know you were because you kept wriggling away from me when I wanted to spoon” 

“I was sweaty” 

“Yeah you sweat when you get anxious and over think things” 

“I don’t know if it’s gross or charming that you know that...” 

He’s swaying me in his arms, almost like we’re dancing to an unheard melody. 

“So... we got the whole day Little Rogers... what you wanna do today?” 

“Ugh... you know what we should do... right?” 

“Start packing the apartment?” 

“Start packing the apartment...” I snuggle myself further into his embrace “... Mom said to put her things in a storage unit... and we can use it to store stuff while work is done...” 

“Let’s get out of the city... let’s go somewhere... where’s there’s green... take the pup... everything is in place... wheels are turning... we can start the actual physical ‘doing’ part of it all next week”

“I’ll get dressed...” 

He holds me tighter “... go in your pyjamas...” 

“I’m not wearing a bra”

“Even better...” I tut at him and roll my eyes “... fine fine get dressed...” 

We head out to Floyd Bennet park. Hopper runs and runs and runs and I’m glad I put a bra on because I spend a vast amount of time running after him until he wears himself out and Bucky carries him to the hangers to see the planes. He... Bucky loves them... me not so much. Ever since I was a little girl anything historic especially items of... war have given me a cold feeling and they smell. When I was a kid at school and we’d go to war museums for history field trips I’d have anxiety attacks because they just made me feel so... strange. And as for the smell I can’t describe it, it’s not mould or dust, or a smells that’s especially... bad in the common sense it’s just... it turns my stomach. 

He’d taken Hopper into the hangers, I lingered outside. I’m not sure if he noticed I wasn’t beside him because it was something he was interested in. Something that took his attention away from me. I already have an expectation of him experiencing some kind of trigger. I can see him through the doors with Hopper in his arms like he’s a child pointing at the planes. I turn away for a split second to check my phone. Just to make sure Jed isn’t freaking but seeing the screen is blank I slip it back in my jacket pocket and look up and out across the park. 

It’s gotten busy, really busy, really quickly, I’m surrounded by sound, voices, busy anxious voices. And the people... they’re... is this a... shit this is gonna trigger Bucky... badly. 

“BUCK?” 

“Yeah Doll” he’s looking over at me 

“We should go...” I don’t wanna yell why because he’s clearly not noticed what’s going on 

“Oh... ok” By the time he’s next to me, they’re... gone, the park is almost empty again “...you ok?” 

“Yeah... sorry I just thought I saw something...” 

“What?...” 

“People... there were loads of people... but dressed like World War Two soldiers... pilots... I thought it was a reenactment... thought it would... trigger you” 

He looks at me, then out across the park “No... it’s pretty empty... are you sure you’re ok?” 

“Yeah... probably just tired...” 

He puts Hopper on the ground and slings an arm around my shoulder “... we should’ve napped... let’s go do that...”


	59. Every little thing she does is magic

Bucky’s POV

I’m gonna do something... bad. 

I’m gonna do something she’ll be mad about. 

But I’m doing it out of love. That makes it... ok... right?

Something unexplainable happened yesterday. Well unexplainable to her and me, but there is one person who could explain it. 

I wait until she’s left for work and it’s just me and the animals in the apartment and I call... him. Let him know I need to see him. He gives me an address, in Brooklyn and it’s walkable so if she asks where I’m going, IF she sees me leaving the apartment I can give her the excuse of talking the puppy for a walk.

He’s waiting for me outside a lock up unit in a storage facility. 

“James... hello” he offers me his hand to shake 

“Bucky... please” 

“Very well... and who’s this?” 

“This would be Hopper” 

He’s crouched down petting Hopper and Hopper is loving it. Sometimes Hopper reads mine or Savannah’s moods and if we are tense he’ll be tense too. I wonder if there’s something his senses are picking up that mine don’t, a link between Savannah and Sindre that’s making him more relaxed.

“Savannah chose him?” 

“No I did... he’s part of an accidental litter... why?” 

“He’s a wolf... Asgardians have a long standing relationship with wolves...” he stand back up “...anyway... shall we?” we go in through the door not the pull up shutter, it takes me a moment for my eyes to adjust, it’s huge inside... huge and filled floor to ceiling with boxes not unlike the middle floor of home... there’s two chairs and a desk but this is obviously not where he LIVES at least I hope not “... please sit... sorry I can’t offer you a drink” 

“That’s.... do you live here?” I take a seat, he sits opposite across the desk, Hopper sits at my feet 

“No... it’s not where I sleep but it is where I am most of the time... so...” 

“What is all this... stuff?” 

“This is my... collection... some of it is for sale... some of it belonged to my parents” 

“And people buy what you... sell?” 

“Of course” 

“But it’s not from... Earth?” 

“It’s not but now people know there’s more to the universe... objects from other worlds are incredibly popular... especially among the... wealthy... so... Bucky... you needed to see me? Savannah is...” 

“I want to marry her...” that’s not what I wanted to say, stupid brain 

“Well... I mean... it’s not my place to give you my daughters hand... to me she’s...” he reaches into his pocket pulling out his wallet, opening it and sliding it across the desk to me “... that’s the only photograph I was ever to be able to procure of her...” I look at the photo, she can’t be anymore than ten, and it’s been taken from a distance and enhanced, she’s standing on a beach with Janis “... and now she’s very much an adult... I’d say Janis would be the person to... ask” 

“I did... she gave me her Mom’s ring” 

“Well then... just because I’m back no need for... traditions... plus it’s Asgardian custom for your parents to offer my parents a dowry... and as both our parents are now passed and I don’t think you own any goats or livestock... or gold there’s no need... plus I think Savannah would take unkindly to me being involved in the... process...” 

“I actually have goats...” for fucks sake brain get a grip, Si’s eyebrows raise “...I stayed in Africa for a while on a... farm... with goats I kind of miss them...” 

“I see...” 

Hopper nudges my legs “Sorry... I have... memory problems that’s not actually what I wanted to talk to you about...” 

“That’s ok Bucky... take your time...” 

“Yesterday... something... unexplainable happened” 

He sits forward in his chair “I’m listening” 

“We went out to Floyd Bennet Park and they have old aircraft out there... in the hangers, World War Two aircraft... she wouldn’t come in the hanger she said she was checking her phone but when I asked her later she said old things make her feel... weird and that they smell? I mean I don’t smell anything... out of the ordinary... they’re old so I guess they smell like mothballs... but that’s not the weird part... she said she saw... people... but when I looked there was no one there... not the people she described anyway” 

“What kind of people?” 

“She said it was like it was a reenactment but I wasn’t sure what that is so I looked it up and it’s when people I don’t know how to describe it... they dress in old clothes... some people call it ‘living history’ she said she saw military personnel... she was worried that it might... trigger something in my memory and I’ll openly admit that when I do get a rush of memories it can end... badly... I don’t mean it to and...” 

“No need to explain Bucky... I know... some of what happened to you... but I don’t think it’s of importance in regards to this conversation” 

“She said she was probably tired... there’d been a lot of big... things happen and she’d had a restless night the night before...” 

“How is she finding the book now she has the key I sent her?” 

“Not... good... she’s frustrated...” 

“I assume she’s told you what’s in there?” 

“That it’s like a record of her ancestors... abilities?” 

“It is... the books itself in terms of Asgard isn’t that old... some of the records written in there were transcribed from other sources... word of mouth... stone tablets... even cave paintings... I’ll help her further in understanding it...” 

“And yesterday?” 

“Had she told you it happened before?” 

“No... just that she doesn’t like... old things which is kind of ironic considering I’m nearing a hundred and you’re...” 

“Six times as old... let’s leave it at that...” 

“Will she age like you?” 

“No I don’t believe she will... she may remain looking younger than she does but she is biologically ageing as if she was totally human... as for yesterday... I believe her... abilities are... becoming more attuned... discovering who she is... who she truly is... so oddities she’s experienced before that’s she’s brushed off are now becoming stronger, more... visible to her...” 

“So she really saw those people?” 

“Yes I believe she did” 

“Why didn’t I?” 

“You’re not Asgardian” 

“Then who were they?” 

“Echoes... of the past...” 

“What? She didn’t travel in time... I’d have seen her disappear... she was right there” 

“No... it was her proximity to the aircraft... she can... it’s like she can see their stories... the people that would have been around them... flown them... she can’t... talk to ghosts... she can’t interact with them but to her they’ll feel very real...” 

“And her ancestors they could do this too?” 

“Of course... but I do wonder if you yourself play a part in this... like a recipe... you’re an ingredient to it... you yourself a... no offence... relic from the past... you would’ve also seen what she saw in your lifetime... I could be wrong though... her ancestors would’ve been used by kings, military leaders as an advantage in battle... Savannah’s gift seems to have manifested in a way that she has to be connected to a physical object for it to happen” 

“How can I help her?” 

“Well... I take it she doesn’t know your here?” 

“No...” 

“You really shouldn’t go behind her back... despite it being in her best interest” 

“I know... I tell her almost every day she should talk to you but as soon as I mention it she changes the subject and if I push her too hard into doing something she’ll not do it at all she’s...” 

“Stubborn... yes that’s my fault... she’s clearly inherited it from me... she’s also kind of hot headed too?” 

“Yes...” 

“I appreciate your concern for my child... I really do... how receptive would she be to me... checking in?” 

“With everything else we’ve got going on? I honestly don’t know... she’d either relish the distraction or she’d block you out and say she’s too busy...” 

“I have a feeling Bucky that these... occurrences are going to become more frequent... so... I will check in with her see if she opens up, if not... it may be that if it happens again she’ll seek me out herself...” 

“Thank you for seeing me...” 

“It was my pleasure... but apart from... that everything is... good?” 

“Yes... we’re... renovating the building soon... and my business is picking up so yes things are... good... I gotta ask though will she be able to...” I wave my hand in his direction 

“Vanish? Change her appearance at will? I doubt it...” 

“Well... I should...” I stand up and he mirrors my movements “...thank you... again” 

“Don’t tell her I’m coming” 

“And don’t tell I was here” 

“Done” we shake hands again, I almost expect him to vanish again as he did the first night I met him 

“Goodbye Hopper... it was a pleasure to meet you” Hopper let’s out a high pitched bark in agreement and Sindre speaks to him in a language I don’t recognise that causes him to bark, again... I shoot him a puzzled look “... wolves... weren’t of Earth... although I’m sure biologists insist they were... wolves were of Asgard... the language still remains in their DNA... so long Bucky I’m sure I’ll see you again very soon” 

I head back home. I don’t have to be at my shop today. I mean there’s jobs I can do but... this is my main priory right now. 

“Hey yo” Hopper doesn’t even need to be told, he trots over and gets in his bed in the reception area of her store. Both the doors are closed to Savannah and Jed’s room so I take a seat on the couch and wait I don’t wanna interrupt anything. She needs a new receptionist. Maybe she could employ Wanda, I know she wants to lead a more ‘normal’ life. 

“Thanks Savannah... I love it...” a big burly looking guy appears from her room “... you sure you don’t want more money?” 

I hear her voice from her room “Nah... and remember...” 

“No picking I know I know...” he sees me on the couch “...hey man... how’s it going?” 

“Not bad... you’re very chipper for someone who just got a tattoo?” 

“She’s the best” 

“Yeah she is...” he’s got his jacket from the rack and heads out the door “Hey Sav...” 

“Buck?” I hear the sound of her packing up and wiping down so I get up and head behind the counter to her open door “Hey... oh you’re... clean did you only just get up?” 

“Nah... took the puppy for a long walk... you... ok... after yesterday?” 

“Yeah why wouldn’t I be?” 

“You were just... spooked...” 

“I guess I mean not the first time I’ve experienced that kind of... thing” 

“You know what you should do right?” 

“Ugh... I know I know” 

“I mean the person with the answers isn’t far...” 

“I hate asking for help” 

“And I love your independence but still...” 

“I’ll think about it” That’s her way of shutting this conversation down, for now. 

Jed’s door opens and a very familiar figure steps out “Wanda?” 

“Hello Bucky” 

“That’s so strange I was just thinking about you” 

“Nothing bad I hope?” 

“Not at all... should you... be... here?” 

“Brooklyn has been deemed... safe” 

“Gotcha...” 

“Savannah hello...” she’s joined me in standing in the doorway to her room “... I love it here...” 

“I hope Jed was gentle?” 

“He was...” I try and gauge where Jed has pierced her but when I don’t see anything obvious I stop looking “... and thank you so much for the invite out here” 

“You’ll come again? I mean not for piercings but just to get... out” 

“I’d love to...” 

A car honks its horn outside “... oh that’s my ride... thank you... again... I’ll text you Savannah...” she’s out the door a moment later. 

Wait does Jed... know? I move my head so I can see into his room and see him “You good?” 

“Yeah why?” He’s putting the clamps in baggies to be sterilised “... oh yeah... she’s cute... Savannah told me about her... I just pierced my first Avenger... what about you Buckaroo? Could jab you right now...” he looks me up and down “...anywhere you like” 

“Are you seriously hitting on my boyfriend right now?” 

“Well you’re not... whatcha say Buck?” 

“Sav?” 

“Up to you...” 

“You know Savannah’s earring that’s like” I point to the front of my ear “...there” 

“Forward facing helix...” 

“Right... then that...” 

“Come take a seat...” he pats his chair, am I gonna do this? Yes I’m gonna do this. 

Sav’s in the room “Buck...” I look at her I know what she’s trying to communicate, she’s worried that Jed, our friend, coming at me with a sharp object will trigger a reflex... or something... else. 

“It’s fine... but I’d like it if you hold my hand?” 

“Flesh hand only... can’t afford broken fingers...” 

“Deal” By the time Sav’s made her way over to me Jed is ready with the clamps, she takes my hand and he... starts... “... ow what the fuck?” 

Sav squeezes my hand “The clamp is the worst part...” 

“Ok Bucky take a deep breath in” as I breathe in Jed pushes the needle through my skin “... and out... good job man... I’m gonna put the jewellery in now you ok?” 

“Yup... am I bleeding?” 

“Only a little bit...” she squeezes my hand again “... you feel...” 

“Fine... I swear...” 

“Ok Buck... plain titanium stud... you can swap it out once it’s healed... here we go...” 

It’s a bit uncomfortable as he swaps needle for stud but nothing... bad, soon enough he’s handing me a mirror and I can see it... “... do I get a sticker?” 

“You sure do...” he heads off to remove his gloves and fetch me one of the stickers they give to kids when they’ve had their ears pierced. 

Sav’s bent down and put her lips to my ear “You did do good...” 

“Right?” 

“Here ya go...” he presses the sticker on to the breast pocket of my jacket “... what a brave soldier” 

Sav straightens up “You have no idea...”


	60. The ghost of you

It happens again. Like in the park. 

I was in Bucky’s shop, I’ve been in there almost everyday since he bought it. I’ve been naked in there, showered there, napped there and nothing out of the ordinary has happened. 

There’s a bike in there, not Bucky’s, apparently it was Steve’s in the war, Bucky had taken it apart, cleaned every inch of it and put it back together. Meaning it was standing, pride of place in the centre of the shop so Bucky could take photographs of it. (He’s bought a digital camera, he’s very proud of it and continually amazed that photographs don’t need to be ‘developed’ anymore). 

As soon as I stepped through the door the smell hit me again, this time I recognised it, mud, oil, smoke. These aren’t unusual smells in this space, usually though they’re underlying. Under the scent of coffee, Bucky’s deodorant and whatever he’s eaten for lunch. But not this time, this time I feel like I’m in the middle of a muddy field with a fire burning close by. 

The next thing I hear is shouting... shouting and gunfire. It’s so loud I duck, shielding myself, looking through my fingers I see Steve, I see Bucky, both in uniform, stood by the bike looking at a map spread out across the handle bars. 

“Bucky...” he doesn’t budge just keeps looking at the map “Steve?” They look at where I’m stood but they don’t see me, it’s like they’re looking straight through me. 

There’s a loud bang, so loud I feel the ground shake. I hear both of them yell ‘get down’ so I hit the deck, curl up into a foetal position and pray I survive. 

“Savannah...” there’s arms trying to pry me out of the position I’m in but I stay curled “... Savannah...” I give in and allow my body to unfurl, so I’m laid on my back on the floor barely two foot from the door “... hey... hey... it’s ok... Doll...” Bucky, now in his civilian clothes is crouched down over me “... Savannah...” he snaps his fingers in front of my face “... come back to me... Savannah” I let my eyes focus on his face, he’s frowning “... there you are... why are you on the floor?” 

“I...” 

“You saw something again didn’t you?” 

“Where were you?” 

“Upstairs in the bathroom, I heard you come in, I came down and you were on the floor” he offers a hand out and pulls me up “... come on... up you come” 

He’s supporting me with his hands under my arms “... you got changed...” 

“No Doll... I didn’t... I’m in my overalls see?” 

I look down and there’s no uniform, no rifle slung over his back, he’s wearing his overalls, they’re clean(ish) “Oh... where’s Steve?” 

“Steve?” 

“Yeah he was stood by the bike with you” 

He puts his flesh hand to cup my cheek “... no he wasn’t... Savannah LOOK at me...” I stop looking at the bike so I can see his face “... start at the beginning” 

“I came in through the door and I could smell mud and oil... and smoke... and you and Steve were looking at a map... it was on the handle bars of the bike... and then there was a bang and you shouted to get down... the ground shook Buck...” 

“Ok...” 

“I sound crazy” 

“No... I believe you... I do... I want to try something...” he leads me on shaky legs over to the bike, and puts my hand on the tank “... what do you feel?” 

“It feels... warm?” 

“Yeah it’s been running slightly hot... anything else?” 

“Nope, should I?” 

“I guess not... but Savannah listen I really think...” 

“I know... 

I don’t though... go see my Dad. But it happens again. In the middle of the night. I get one of my ‘feelings’ but this time it has a purpose. It’s telling me to look in a box on the middle floor. A box of things belonging to Bucky. I know I shouldn’t snoop but I’m on automatic pilot. I hadn’t had a bad dream I’d just woken up suddenly with a sense of knowing. I knew what I had to do. I had to look in the box. 

I locate it pretty easily. 

This time it smells damp, damp and wet metal, and some kind of chemical, and most strangely... burnt hair? 

The second I lift the top off the box the middle floor turns green, everything’s green and so cold. So cold and it looks like water is running down the walls. 

The boxes vanish and their place is a machine. I recognise it from somewhere. Where do I know it from, I’ve seen it before. I hear heavy footsteps, and the sound of something being dragged. Men in head to toe black combat clothes push past me between them they’re dragging a figure in black, dirty hair matted to their face. 

No. 

No. 

“Bucky” 

He’s strapped into the machine, he’s screaming but I can’t hear it. The halo lowers itself around his head. 

“BUCKY” 

He silently screams again and one of the men strikes him across the face and then forces something into his mouth, a bite guard. 

“BUCKY” 

“Shit... not again... Savannah...” 

I feel arms constrict around me. A bare chest obstructing my view of Bucky in the machine. 

“BUCKY” 

“Ssshhhh shhhh it’s ok... come on Doll come back to me” 

The arms squeeze tighter and I smell something... pleasant. The green hue slowly fades and I’m back in the middle floor, stood in Bucky’s arms, there’s the open box on the floor. Inside is... a collection of shrapnel?

“I’m ok... I’m ok...” 

“Yeah except you’re not... what did you see this time?” 

Not wanting to trigger him I lie “I can’t remember... what’s in that box?” 

He looks down “... parts of my old arms... I wanted them here... keep them out of Stark hands... and I know you’re thinking why did I keep them? Because it was part of my body... but I am going to get rid of it I just can’t work out how without it... falling into the wrong hands... now” once again my face is cupped in his hands “... we’re going back upstairs... I’m gonna fix you a drink and call your Dad...”

“But...”

“Nope no buts anymore, and yes it’s the middle of the night but he’s your father and he has... probably has... the answers... come on...” 

I’m led by the hand back up the stairs, I keep looking back expecting to see the machine, the green walls but there’s nothing out of the ordinary. He pushes me down into the armchair and lets Hopper from his crate who immediately jumps up on me licking my face. 

“Alright pup... alright...” 

My dumb Halloween tumbler is put on the coffee table in front of me, containing a measure of what I think is bourbon. 

“Drink it...” I look up at him and try my best to smile, he’s got his cell from where he’d left it on the dining table and has it held to his face, I’m hoping the other end doesn’t pick up “... it’s Bucky...” shit it “... sorry about the time... no she’s experienced an... event... twice in the last day... you can? I’d be really grateful... see you shortly...” I hear him putting his phone back on the table as I gulp down the drink “... he’s on his way...” 

“It’s three am...” 

“I know that...” he doesn’t, he bought an Apple Watch but couldn’t wear it, his heart rate is so fast that it kept telling him he was having some kind of episode and letting out a high pitch alarm and automatically calling nine one one, so he’s reliant on actual clocks to tell him the time “... and besides it doesn’t matter, what matters is we find out what’s going on... NOW...” he sits down on the coffee table and pats Hopper “...tell me what you saw and don’t give me the don’t remember line...” 

“Chair... you in the... chair” 

“Chair?” 

“The machine...” 

“Oh... OH...” 

“And it was in a lab... I think it was a lab... with green walls and I could smell... burning hair?” 

“Huh...” 

“You don’t remember?” he shakes his head, I know he’s lying... the doorbell rings out and Hopper barks “... what the hell... that was... quick” 

“He can vanish into thin air remember? I’ll go let him in...” he squeezes my hand and pads off to let him in the door. Oh god I’m in my Hello Kitty pyjamas and Bucky is shirtless... and my Dad is here? Is this embarrassing? Should I be embarrassed? No I’m not a teenager, I’m an adult and this is my... our home, it’s the middle of the night, nothing shameful is happening here. Soon enough I hear the sound of two pairs of footsteps making their way up the stairs “... sorry about the mess we’re... renovating...” 

“That’s ok Bucky thank you for calling me...” he takes Bucky’s place perched on the coffee table and immediately fusses Hopper who seems pleased to see him “... hello Savannah... hello Hopper... I know pup I’m pleased to see you too... such a handsome boy... NOW Bucky tells me you’ve had some... episodes?” 

I stay silent, almost in denial. 

“Savannah tell him, he’s here to help... that’s all” 

I sigh in defeat and lay it all out for him. Starting with how it made me feel as a kid. How it makes me feel now only NOW I see and smell it and the smells are more defined, recognisable. How sometimes there’s sound, sometimes it’s a deafening silence. He doesn’t interrupt, he doesn’t look at me like I’ve lost my mind in fact his expression doesn’t change at all. 

“Ok...” 

“That’s it? OK? You don’t believe me...” 

“Oh I believe you Savannah... I do... truly... would you like an explanation?” I raise my eyebrows “... now I can only tell you what I THINK is happening... and I understand it must be incredibly frightening for you when you experience these... events and to you they seem real” 

“THEY ARE REAL” 

“To YOU they are yes... but you must remember they cannot physically hurt you... they’re echoes” 

“Echoes?” 

“Yes... they happen when you’re in close proximity to certain objects... you can see, hear and smell their history... NOW here’s what I DON’T know... I don’t know if you have to be emotionally connected to the objects... everything that’s caused these echoes so far have involved Bucky to whom you have an emotional attachment nor do I know why you felt the box calling out to you tonight... maybe subconsciously it was something you felt you NEEDED to see...” 

“So what every time I encounter something from the past... specifically Bucky’s past I’m gonna have a... vision?” 

“Perhaps...” 

“Great...” 

“It’s a gift Savannah” 

“But why NOW?” 

“Because you are aware of it... because you now know who you are... if all humans could once fly but over the millions of years they forgot it doesn’t mean they can’t do it any more... if you told them they COULD fly... they’d be more aware of their abilities...” 

Bucky pipes up “Could they... once fly I mean?” 

“I don’t know it’s hypothetical and besides I’m in my hundreds not millions...” 

“Right... right... sorry... carry on” 

“I think you can most likely learn to ignore it... but... BUT... I would suggest you learn to control it... use it to your advantage... but that’s only if it works on all objects with a... history not just ones you’re emotionally connected to... would you let me help you find out?” 

“How would you do that?” 

“By standing you next to things... see what happens...” 

“As simple as that?” 

“As simple as that” 

“What if I’m working and a client comes in and they’re wearing... jewellery that belonged to someone close to them or something vintage and I get a ‘vision’ in the middle of working on them?” 

“Like I said... you can learn to ignore them... especially ones without a direct contact to you personally...” 

“Then yes... you can... help me” 

“Excellent... but for now... I suggest you get some sleep, call me when you have free time, but please be sure to MAKE the time...” 

“I will” 

“Good... Hopper...” he fusses him again “... I’ll see myself out... this is a lovely space...” he’s up from the coffee table and out of view 

“Wait... do you... see anything... here?” 

“No... not physically... but there’s a strong sense of... home... contentment... and your Mom’s presence... all gifts are different Savannah... Goodnight... Bucky thank you for calling me... and... take care of her” 

“I will...” I listen as his footsteps make their way out of the building, once again Bucky is sitting in front of me “... you good?” 

“Uh huh... sleepy...” 

“Come on then...” he lifts the puppy from my lap as he stands up “... I’ll bring the puppy”

I sleep soundly. Considering. And I wake up in the mindset that it was just a ‘blip’ just like Bucky’s all just a big blip and while I appreciate my... him coming to the apartment in the middle of the night, I don’t think there’s any need for me to rush out and see him immediately. Let him run... experiments on me. 

I ready myself for the day. 

Bucky’s used all the toothpaste. But I bet only a third of the tube has actually gone in his mouth, he literally holds the tube over his toothbrush and squeezes without looking, meaning most of it goes in the sink. And he squeezes the tube in the middle, the lunatic. 

I open the cabinet above the sink to get more out and he’s left his watch in there. His pocket watch, he’ll be looking for it so I pull it outta give it back to him. The second my fingers touch the metal I know what’s about to happen. 

First thing is the smell, alcohol, whiskey... I think. Damp streets after a heavy rainfall. 

Then the bathroom goes dark, the January morning sunlight is gone and it’s as if night has fallen, the only light is soft glowing. When the bathroom becomes a dimly lit alleyway I realise the soft glow is from distant street lamps. There’s noise, voices, not speaking English, from what I remember after watching Amelie it’s French. 

I’m against a wall. Hidden in the shadows. And it’s cold, so very cold. 

Two figures engaged in a brawl are next to me. I step to the side to avoid a punch. 

“I said... who are you working for? Hydra? TELL ME” It’s Bucky, forties soldier uniformed Bucky, he’s got a guy in civilian clothing pinned up against the wall next to me. I can feel the heat coming from their bodies “... TELL ME...” 

The watch, the one I’m holding, it falls from his pocket in the scuffle and lands on the cobbled street. 

As it bounces on the ground the darkness lifts and I’m back in the bathroom. The watch is still in my hand. 

There’s a banging on the door, then a thud as if he’s using his shoulder against it. I race to open it before he knocks it down and we have to deal with a door less bathroom along with everything else.

He makes a surprised sound as he topples into the room, landing at my feet. 

“I was...” he’s trying to untangle his limbs into a more comfortable position “... knocking... you didn’t... answer” he looks up and notices the watch I’m holding “... have a good... trip?”

“I need to go to work... and PRAY it doesn’t happen while I’m tattooing... then...”

“Dad?”

“Dad...”


	61. Purple rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for mentions of the holocaust

I spend the day telling Jed to turn his stereo down, he keeps telling me he’s not playing anything. But apart from music that apparently only I can hear nothing unusual happens. 

Bucky collects Hopper mid afternoon takes him for a long walk then upstairs where he’s crated. Don’t want a stressed puppy when I’m about to... I don’t even know what I’m about to do. 

“Jed you ok closing up?” I’m slipping my coat on, Bucky’s stood in reception and Jed behind the desk 

“Yup... date night?” 

“More like Dad night” 

“BUCKY” I’d not told Jed my plans for the evening, I didn’t know how to explain it 

“Oh... erm... can I meet him at some point?” 

“Why?” I’m fiddling with the toggles on my duffle coat, I got it from the Thrift, am I gonna have... incidents every time I go in there now? 

“Curiosity? Plus I wanna give him a piece of my mind I mean who would leave Janis? She’s awesome” 

“I guess he had his reasons... and you’ll set the alarm?” 

“Yes I’ll set the alarm, Bucky take her out of here please” 

“Come on lady... let’s go...” 

We head off walking as he’d told me an address that wasn’t far away, only it wasn’t a smooth journey. Not because it was raining, or snowing, rain and snow would be preferable. 

I see Becca, I notice her first she’s across the street with her girlfriend. 

I smell... cooking, and damp in the air... dust and perfume. We’re right by the entrance to an alleyway so I pull Bucky out of sight and let it... happen. 

I see Bucky, Bucky and his sister in the living room of what must’ve been his childhood home. Rebecca is sitting on a floral patterned couch in a pretty yellow dress with a matching ribbon in her hair. Bucky’s stood over her in his forties clothes, not his uniform but smart trousers and shirt, he’s handing her a box. When she opens it her face lights up and she jumps off the couch to hug him, once he’s freed himself he takes the box back and places the contents around her wrist. The bracelet. 

“Ok... ok... it’s stopped” 

He’s coming back into focus now peering into my eyes “... wanna tell me where you went?” 

“Becca...” He looks confused “... she was across the street... didn’t you see her?” 

“Nope... bracelet?” 

“Bracelet...” 

“Let’s get you to your Dad because you weren’t even near her and it happened... was it... happy?” 

“Yeah Buck, it was happy” 

It doesn’t take long to reach the storage facility he’s told us to meet him at. Bucky seems to know where he’s going but he lived here... before so he’s probably working from instinct, that and his long walks with the puppy, he says people don’t question you if you’re walking a dog. You can mooch around wherever with a dog so he’s probably been here on one of his... adventures. 

He’s waiting outside a lock up, Dad. Bucky briefly explains what happened this morning and on our way around here, he’s got that tone of concern in his voice that I use when somethings wrong with him and I’m trying to stay calm and not freak him out. 

“Ready Savannah?” 

“I suppose...” 

He’s stood by the door with his hand on the handle ready to turn in “I think it would be wise if you put some distance between you and Bucky... not because you’ll harm him but because your senses need to be as free from him as possible” 

Bucky puts a kiss to the back on my hand before he lets go and takes two steps back. 

I expect something to happen as he opens the door, I’d been expecting something to happen as I got closer to his address. 

All I see is dark. 

He... Dad is holding the door open for me. 

I see a figure move in the darkness. A figure I’ve not seen in a long time. 

“Farfar...” my feet move quickly taking me in to the lock up 

“Savannah...” 

“Farfar...” I’m nearing where my grandfather is stood, he’s looking a recipe book, he always was an amazing cook, his cakes were... irreplaceable “Farfar... it’s me” 

“He’s not there Savannah...” my Dad is now in front of me, blocking me view, I try to move around him but he puts his hands on my shoulders and stills me in place “... look at me... concentrate on me...” I look to his face, he seems to be on the verge of tears “... he’s not really there Savannah... I wish he was... oh my sweet daughter I wish he was but he’s not... you’re seeing an echo of his belongings I have stored in here... now look around me what do you see?” 

“Boxes... he was... right there... looking in a recipe book...” 

“He made amazing cakes...” 

“He really did” 

“Perhaps you’d be so kind to tell me of them, your memories but not now... I’m going to take my hands from your shoulders now... concentrate... clear your mind... disconnect yourself from these surrounding and tell us what happens...” 

The second I feel the pressure of his hands move away I’m overwhelmed. Sounds, smells, colours. I fall to my knees and put my hands overs my ears. 

“Shit... shit Savannah...” 

“Bucky stay back please... Savannah listen to me, you’re safe... nothing can hurt you, tell me what’s happening” 

“It’s too much... it’s too much...” 

“Ok... ok... concentrate... pick one...” 

“There’s too many... too loud...” 

“I know... I know... try and narrow it down, try and find a sound or smell or colour that’s not frightening... is there anything you recognise?” 

I try to sort the sounds first, they’re easiest, especially as some of them I recognise. The smells are harder so I stick with sounds “... Footloose?...” as I allow my ears to hone in it becomes clearer, it’s Footloose. 

“Excellent” 

“What’s Footloose?” 

“A movie about a town where dancing is outlawed” 

“That sounds... stupid” 

“I assure you Bucky it’s not... you should watch it... Savannah I want you to try and stand up, concentrate on that sound... follow you ears... you can do it...” 

I slowly pull myself to my feet, trying desperately to block out all the other sounds, all the other assaults on my senses and follow the sound of Footloose. There’s so many boxes, so many cases, so many containers. How do I know which one to open? What’s associated with the song? What smell is that? It’s... leather? The smell of worn leather, leather and... rain? Maybe rain and... tree bark. An animal of some kind. It’s not a box, it’s not a container, it’s a... garment bag, it’s hung from a stack of boxes towards the back left of the space. Opening it I see nothing truly extraordinary, just a red leather duster coat. 

“It’s a coat?” 

I turn back to see my Dad holding out his arm to keep Bucky back behind him. 

“Touch it...” 

The leather is soft and worn. Perhaps this isn’t going to work. It’s obviously not an exact science. I still hear the song. Maybe I need to wear the jacket?

Soon enough the rooms starts to spin out of focus and I get a rush of images. A green woman, a talking raccoon, a talking tree, a... Walkman? A blue man with an arrow. Space, beautiful outer space and so many colours, galaxies, planets I couldn’t ever imagine. Dancing? A pink skinned girl with pigtails, and I don’t mean sunburnt I mean pink, like a flower. A gargantuan space with clear containers stacked up so high I can’t see them all. A man with white hair. The Pina Colada song? What the hell? A prison, I think it’s a prison, with people wearing yellow, a man with red scarring all over his body. 

I relax slightly into whatever this is. 

Everything I can see, all the memories slowly start to have a purple tint to them. Like I’m looking at them through tinted glasses then the purple starts to obscure the edges of everything, coming in from the corners of my mind. Purple. 

“Purple...” 

It’s getting worse, smothering everything, a bright shining purple. It’s so bright, like a shining star, a beam of sunlight but purple. So purple. 

“Savannah... let go of the coat...” 

“Purple...” 

“Let go of the coat Savannah” 

The ground starts to shake, the purple light gets brighter, it’s almost blinding me now. I feel a surge of... energy, it’s... raw... undefinable, uncontrollable... I don’t get then chance to let go of the coat. I’m thrown away from the coat. I sail through the air, landing solidly on my backside at Bucky’s feet. 

“Purple...” 

“Sindre what the hell is she talking about?” 

My Dad has come over and couched down in front of me “Savannah... come back to us... concentrate on me...” just like Bucky did he snaps his fingers in front of my eyes and the unit comes back into focus “... good... very good Savannah...” 

“Good? She’s on the fucking floor after a COAT flew her through the air... what was that?” 

“That jacket belonged to a scavenger... an... intergalactic outlaw named Star Lord” 

“Quill? you mean Peter Quill?” 

“Yes... of course you... have met him?” 

“Once...” Bucky doesn’t offer any additional information and I recall seeing a Quill on Bucky’s wall of ‘who’s who’ at the penthouse “... and the purple?” 

“He must’ve been wearing the jacket when he encountered the power stone” 

“Power stone?” The hard landing has stopped the sounds and smells, for now, I’m too overwhelmed with how much my butt hurts from landing on it. 

“An INFINITY STONE? You let your child near an infinity stone? Get up Savannah we’re leaving” I look away from my Dad and round to Bucky, he looks horrified, it’s this wild look he gets in his eyes, like a frightened animal 

“Yet she’s been in close contact with one before now Bucky...” 

“What’s an infinity stone?” 

“Something you don’t want to know about Doll... now... let’s go...” 

“No... no...” I look back to my Dad still crouched in front of me “... I’m... good... I swear...”

“You want to try something else... apart from the... stone that jacket was... a good echo?” 

“Yeah...” 

“Ok try and find something... unpleasant... remember it can’t hurt you... Bucky help her up...” 

I wonder why he’s asked Bucky to help me from the floor and not done it himself but when I touch Bucky’s outreached hand it’s like an instant soothing warmth. It grounds me, pulls me truly back into the room. The purple tint is gone, the music had stopped, now I hear nothing but the sounds of the outside traffic. He lifts me to my feet as my Dad stands up too. 

“I’m ok... I’m ok... but I think you should maybe give that guy his jacket back...” 

He laughs “He sold it to me... an honest deal... needed to buy fuel for his ship... nice guy... a little... erm... sure of himself, now... slowly let go of Bucky’s hand and find something else... something not so... colourful or pleasant... I’m curious if any of these objects contain a significance for something that is happening in your life right now...” 

Once again Bucky kisses my hand before he lets it go and takes a step away from me. My senses flood once again but I stay feet on the floor. It’s like it’s changed from hurricane force to a slight breeze. Closing my eyes helps me visualise, I see... so many varieties of scenes, like watching a movie on fast forward. Snatches of things. I see both my grandparents, Thor, a figure I recognise as Loki, a Valkyrie... which... I’m gonna come back to that because I didn’t know they were real. 

I slow it down when I see a set of train tracks, they feel the most important. Snowy train tracks. 

I let my feet lead me. It’s not far, the second stack of boxes to my left, on the top. Whatever it is. 

Getting closer there’s a sickening smell, it’s heavy in the air. Ash pours from chimneys. It’s so cold, but it’s not the temperature it’s a cold sense of dread that’s seeping into my bones. And pure terror, as if I’m being chased by the worst monster that anyone could possibly imagine only it’s not mythical it’s very very real, whatever it is. 

I look at my feet and notice they’re sinking in thick wet mud. 

Screaming, frightened voices flood my ears. Dogs bark. Authoritative voices shout instructions in a foreign language. 

I open the lid of the box. 

I know I should just touch it but my ‘feeling’ is telling me to pick it up and hold it. 

It’s a helmet, a metal helmet, not dissimilar to those worn by medieval knights. 

I hold it in my hands, so it’s facing me and look into it. 

Oh god... oh god... no... 

The train tracks, the frightened people, the chimneys. 

Gates, I see gates, gates being pulled apart, pulled open by an invisible force. 

I can’t. 

I... can’t. 

Why this? 

“Savannah...” 

“She’s fucking WHITE... do something or I will” 

The helmet is pulled from my grasp, severing the connection. The images vanish but the cold lingering terror remains. 

“What did you see Savannah?” 

“You don’t want to know” 

“Yes... yes I do now... what did you see?” 

“Auschwitz” I look past my Dad to Bucky and watch his face contort in horror “...the Holocaust” He, Dad looks confused “... what?”

“Your... echoes... like when you touched Quill’s jacket... you saw things that he’d have seen when he was wearing it but the helmet... the owner... he wouldn’t have had the helmet at that time in his life... so it showed you a memory... of the original owner... not an echo but it felt... real like the echoes?” 

I nod “Who owned that?” 

“A man called Erik Lehnsherr... the world knows him as Magneto...” this time I shake my head, I’ve no idea what he’s talking about “... he can control metal... but about ten years before I... left... he vanished... and I’m guessing if you don’t know who he is... he never resurfaced” 

“A mutant?” 

He turns back to Bucky “Yes... arguably one of the most powerful mutants ever born... he lost his parents at the... camps... which is what you saw, it may have been the first memory of his... power?” 

“Gates... huge metal gates were moving” 

“Well... I think that’s enough for now Savannah...” 

“But...” 

“He’s right Sav, you look super pale... let’s get you... home”

“What now?” 

“Yes... just a moment Bucky...” my Dad stands in front of me “... before you go... let it back in, let your senses feel it all but I want you to shut it out...” I huff and once again open my senses to the influx of everything around me. It’s still not as overwhelming as it was at first but I can’t block it out completely. It’s almost like some of the items in here are calling to me. Beautiful music and the sweetest smells “... concentrate... push it away so you’re back in the room with us... you can do it...” 

“It sounds so good... smells so good...” 

“Imagine you’re in a bubble... visualise it... I know it sounds... silly but just try it” I do as he says I picture a bubble, like a giant see through beach ball surrounding me, it stops the scents and muffles the sounds but not totally “Better?” 

“Yes but... I can’t be in a bubble all the time... how do I allow the parts of it... of people in that I need and block out what I don’t?” 

“You’ll learn in time... but for today you’ve done very well” 

“Can I show what I see to other people?” 

“Again in time, it’s something you could work on... but I wouldn’t recommend trying it with Bucky... no offence Bucky” 

“None taken...” 

We walk home in silence, I can feel waves of worry coming off Bucky but nothing untoward happens, no echoes of any kind. I’ve closed myself off enough to allow me to get home but maybe for me to experience the echoes they have to be significant which is why I’m not constantly drowning in them as I interact with people every day. 

I’m cold though, I can’t shake the cold. 

Bucky takes Hopper out to pee and comes back to me as a blanket burrito on the dumb falling apart couch. 

“So cold” 

He touches his flesh hand to my forehead “You’re freezing...” 

“Put heat on” 

“The heat is on... stay there...” 

He runs me a bath. A beautiful hot bath with so many bubbles they’re spilling over the top and on to the floor. It smells so good, sweet, like candy, totally eradicating the horrid gut wrenching scents of my last echo. 

He puts the lid down on the toilet and sits down while I strip off and plunge myself into the warm water. We should get a bath big enough for both of us. 

“You...” I wipe the bubbles from my face “... you were... there weren’t you?” 

“Where?” 

“You know where...” 

“I think so... but I don’t know WHEN I was there... HYDRA used them... the people in the camps for their... experiments... but did I know that BEFORE I was the other guy? Or was I there when I was... him... I... I...” 

“She was wearing a yellow dress” 

“What?” 

I’m leant over the edge of the tub looking at him sitting with his head in his hands “... Rebecca... when you gave her the bracelet, she was wearing a yellow dress, she had a matching ribbon in her hair, you were wearing smart trousers, beige brown with a white shirt, brown brogues I think... she was sitting on a couch, it was small with a high back and wooden armrests, dusty pink flowers on a dark blue background...” He drops on the floor, on to his knees and I think I’ve broken him, I shouldn’t have told him, shouldn’t have taken him with me to my Dad’s “...Buck?” 

He shuffles over to me on his knees, his face the same level as mine, my chin rested on the edge of the tub “... you’re amazing... you know that right?” I get a kiss to the end of my nose “... are you warmer now?” 

“Yes... you know what we need?” 

“KFC?” 

“Fried chicken... really?” 

“Oh man yes... let me tell you about my dream... I dreamt I went swimming in a bucket of their mashed potato and you had to sit with a tiny spoon and scrape the potato out of the joins in my arm... you were so mad... honestly swimming in a bucket of mashed potatoes was totally worth it... but from the look on your face I gather we don’t need fried chicken?” 

“I was gonna say a bathtub big enough for both of us” 

“OH... well I think that would be better than swimming in a bucket of KFC...” 

“Ya think?”


	62. Now we got bad blood

Bucky’s POV

“Doll?” I’ve gotten half way up the stairs to the apartment and the pup hasn’t charged me. I know Savannah is home, her store lights are off and the front door was unlocked. This means that the pup is doing ‘a heckin concern’ and won’t leave her. I quicken my steps “...Savannah...” 

“Yeah...” 

“Wotcha doin?” 

“Drugs...” 

She’s sitting at the dining table, Hopper’s snoozing on the couch, not looking remotely concerned about anything. Savannah though... 

“You look... crazy” 

Her hair is scooped on top of her head and sticking up like an antenna on a radio, she’s got her headache glasses on, they’re dangerously low down her nose. One of those hoodies that’s actually a wearable blanket. Hers is a wizard one, the yellow one, puddle huffs or something I don’t know and she’s wearing striped rainbow socks that are like gloves on her toes. Can’t complain about those I bought them for her. 

“Uh huh...” she’s not even looked up from the computer screen she’s staring so intently at. The window is open behind her meaning she probably actually was smoking drugs. 

“I’ve brought work home...” 

“Uh huh” 

“I stuck to our agreement though... see” 

Finally she looks up at me “I said no parts bigger than a cereal box NOT a cereal box full of parts” 

“Potato pot-a-toe” 

“Put something on the table” I begin to lower my box down “not the parts... put something on the table first... please... I love this table... there’s some old newspapers under the sink...”

She waves her hand in the direction of the sink and I do as she asks, spreading sheets of the free papers we get shoved through the letterbox down on the table before I sit down opposite her. She’s clacking on the keys, I don’t know how people do it. Type without looking at the keys or with more then one finger at a time, using both hands? Magic. 

I look at her over the top of the screen, she looks so different in glasses, I understand how people can’t tell Clark Kent is Superman. 

“I have a crush on Superman” didn’t mean to say that, at all. 

She doesn’t even look up “Uh huh which one?” 

“There’s more than one?” 

“Yup... you want a Henry Cavill or a Tyler Hoechlin? Or are your tastes more vintage? Perhaps a Christopher Reeve or a Dean Cain? So be specific” 

“The one who fought the bat... am I gay?”

“Henry Cavill and no... sexuality doesn’t have to be rigid, you can find men attractive and admit it... you also had a crush on Tyler Hoechlin” 

“I did?” 

“Derek Hale...” 

“Oh... yeah I did... I mean who wouldn’t” 

“Uh huh” she starts typing again “... you also have a crush on Sam” 

“I do not...” she looks over the top of the screen at me, eyebrows raised “...he has really nice skin” eyebrows go higher “...ok maybe a little bit...” I empty the box I’d brought home out on the newspapers “...I think I’d have to be the...” 

“Top” 

“Top?” 

“Yes the giver as opposed to the receiver...” 

“Oh... then yes... I wonder what...”

“Bottom a hundred percent” 

“You don’t even know what I was going to say...” 

“You were going to say, I wonder what is Steve and I am telling you he is a hundred percent a bottom” 

“How do you know?” 

She goes back to looking at her screen “... because during his regular life he’s the one to take charge and give orders, sexually he’s the opposite... therefore Steve Rogers is a bottom” 

“My crushes don’t concern you?” 

“No... because they’re just that... crushes... you come home to me and as much as you like the idea of it I doubt you’d do it... you were... not part of the world while it worked out sexuality isn’t just black and white, you’re still defining your... tastes... plus your best friend sleeps with guys and you’ve never once batted an eyelid over it... even... before... so I’ve been told” 

“He’s just...” 

“Steve?” 

“Yeah...” 

“And you are Bucky... your crushes... sexual preferences... do not define you as a human being... HOWEVER eating cheese and hot sauce sandwiches does...” 

“I like the spicy” 

“Uh huh” 

“And again... sorry about the... spicy... fingers on your...” 

“Please... don’t talk about it... when you do the temperature of my lady parts goes up and not in a good way... so so SO NOT in a good way” 

“SHIT” 

“What?” 

“I didn’t even... I just wanted to bring work home, sit with you... in the warm... I didn’t... shit” 

She half closes the computer and pushes her glasses up on top of her head, her face is... a picture of calm, I don’t know how she does it, my face gives me away every time, hers? Perfect poker “Take a breath Buck... no rush... sort out what you’re trying to tell me in a logical order... you want me to help you?”

“Nope, just...” she’s helped me form... a routine, if I can remember that I did one task, like brush my teeth usually I can remember what I was thinking about while I do that and I get a logical order “... these things are old” 

“Ahhhh... and you’re worried I’m going to... echo?”

“I didn’t even think...” 

“I don’t think it works like that Buck... all the echoes I’ve had so far have been significant events that an object has been close to... if the object has just gone from a to b and never had an event attached to it then I can’t see anything... or smell anything... or hear anything”

“Wanna practice?” 

“Not right now...” she pushes her glasses back on and reopens her computer 

“Come on... just... try... I’m... curious...” 

She huffs “... fine...” her left hand stretches out across to the pile of parts that I’ve dumped out on the table 

“Well?” 

“Shhhh” 

“Sorry” 

“I’m concentrating... there’s... I mean I can smell oil but then you smell of oil, the parts smell of oil... can’t hear anything... erm...” she closes her eyes “... a cabin? maybe... with fake wood panels? but did you tell me that?” 

“No I told you about the cabin not about the walls... I think” 

She opens her eyes and withdraws her hand “... well none of these parts have been through any trauma... that’s for sure” 

“You realise you could work for the government right, solving cold cases?” 

“You just want to know if you shot JFK” 

“I really do...” 

“Why?” 

“Because if it was me it was for a reason... and that reason would be HYDRA and why would they want to take out a president?” 

“Don’t torture yourself on this...” 

“I won’t” 

“Bucky...” 

“I won’t Doll... go back to... whatever it is you’re doing?” 

She goes back to typing, clacking away, I must admit I do miss the ring of a typewriter as it moved on to the next line. And the clacking sound is... wrong, it’s too... high pitched. 

I sit and clean out the parts I’ve brought home, make sure they work, or if they just need trashing. I’ve seen people make sculptures out of junk, maybe I could do that with things that don’t work. I hate the idea of it ending up in a landfill or even worse the ocean. 

“So...” her fingers have stopped moving but she’s not looking at me, she’s still looking at the screen

“So...” 

“You told Steve what I can do?” 

“I did... I was not supposed to?” 

“He wants me to... try and... show him... something...” 

“But...” 

“I know I told him but he seemed... desperate” 

“Did he at least tell you what?” 

“A tie pin? Belonged to... a girl? Does that mean anything to you? He sent me a photo of it hang on...” she switches from computer screen to phone screen and holds up a photo for me to see “... I told him one it doesn’t work with photos and two I don’t know how I’d make him see...” 

“Excuse me for a second” 

“Buck...” 

“No I’m ok... I’m just gonna have a little chat with Captain Fuckass...” 

I get up from the table and head to the bedroom closing the door behind me. Savannah doesn’t need to hear this. Firstly he shouldn’t have even asked her, this isn’t... she’s not a... toy. Plus neither of us... or her Dad is sure she would even be able to show someone else what she sees or how it would work for her to be able to do so. 

He picks up after the first ring. I don’t even care what he’s doing right now, or rather who he’s doing. 

“Buck... you... good?” 

“You asked Savannah to...” 

“I did I just... thought...” 

“Listen to me Steve and listen carefully because I am only having this conversation with you once and it’s happening now I don’t care if it’s a good time or not... Peggy Carter is GONE... she’s gone Steve... she started a whole government agency to protect people like you and me... she lived a full and brilliant life... SHE HAD A FAMILY... a husband, children... a career, she fought against being oppressed purely based on her gender... so take your head out of the past and into the present... I mean what... if Stark invented time travel you’d leave the twenty first century and go back in time to be with her? Because that would be the most selfish thing you could ever do... you’d erase her entire existence... if time travel movies have it right... just because you didn’t manage to stick it in her and realise she wasn’t the person for you... you’ve blown it up in your head that she’s the great love of your life that you missed out on but it’s not true... she’s the person who saw what you were capable of... knew you were meant for more... if you went back in time not only would you erase her time line you’d erase mine... for the sake of sex Steve... for the sake of getting your dick wet you’d leave ME with HYDRA... but you didn’t think about that DID YOU? DID YOU STEVE?” 

“No...” 

“So next time you decide to use the WOMAN I LOVE for your own personal selfish fucking gains DON’T” 

“Buck...” 

“And if you tell Stark about what she can do... I swear Steve I will take her and go... you’d never see either of us again... her... ability is HER BUSINESS not yours, not Stark’s, not SHIELD’S, not even MINE, it’s hers... and if she wants to offer her help to people it’s up to her... you wait for her to offer do you understand?” 

“Yes” 

“Good” 

“Buck...” 

“This conversation is done I’ve said all I need to say...” 

I end the call and slip my cell back into my pocket. Get my breathing under control. I don’t know if I’ve ever gotten that angry at Steve. Ever. But you do not fuck with my... Savannah. Certainly not for the sake of... sex. I’m not denying Peggy wasn’t important, she was, but that’s just the point.. WAS important, past tense. Her legacy will always be an important part of the narrative. Her physical presence as a part of Steve’s life will not. She is not a... romantic interest... she WAS the main plot. And he’s reduced her to... I’m getting mad, again. Plus what about Raven? No matter what I think of her, or my concerns over who or what she is at least she’s HERE in this century. 

Don’t be mad. Don’t be mad. Don’t let the dumbass ruin what could be a pleasant evening with your girl who’s here now and not in the forties. I’m sure I had girlfriends, I just don’t remember them... I have a vague recollection of a red head. But nothing like Savannah. No one will ever be like Savannah.

I open the door and this time I am charged by puppy, if Savannah hadn’t heard me, Hopper definitely had. He’d heard the tone of voice I’d been using, realised I was upset. Hopefully Savannah hasn’t, I don’t want her to know she was the reason for what I just said to Steve. She’d be so upset. And she’s probably already upset that I told Steve about her... echoes.

If she has noticed she doesn’t give anything away. Her fingers are still dancing over the keyboard. 

“You good?” 

“Yeah... he’s an ass” 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

“No... I’d rather talk about what you’re doing right now?” 

“Oh... come see... you’ve not even kissed me since you came home...” 

“I’m oily... you hate the oil” 

“Just come over here will you?” I walk over to her, Hopper still at my feet. I lean down to kiss her, which makes me feel so much better, and reassures me that I did the correct thing in putting Steve in his place “...see” 

She motions towards the screen “A list of... demands?” 

“Yes... ever since... Tony... I’ve been thinking about what I want and I kept writing it down on my phone, on post it’s when I couldn’t reach my phone, on napkins, basically any time I had a thought in regards to his offer I wrote it on whatever was nearest to me and this is me correlating everything...” 

“I see... are you hungry by any chance?” 

“Why?” 

“That last paragraph is about food... you’ve repeated the need for Snickers bars three times” 

“I think Kirby Dots should have a vending machine people always forget to bring snacks and drinks especially when it’s a big piece, sugar and hydration helps massively...” 

“It’s a good idea I agree but you’ve literally written ‘all I want is a foot long snickers and a bucket of blue Gatorade right now’...” 

“No I haven’t... where?” I point to the sentence “...son of a bitch” 

“So... let’s take the puppy, go to the Bodega, get you a Snickers... don’t think they make foot long ones though... some blue Gatorade and ooo some of those deli chicken wraps for dinner... then once we’ve eaten you can continue your list of demands... plan?” 

“Yup” 

“Hopper? Bodega?” He barks in agreement “... get changed first though” 

“Me or the dog?” 

‘“You”

“I’ll put pants on?” 

“Deal”


	63. A bouquet of clumsy words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> had to do a Valentines chapter right?

We’re in what I think is the calm before the storm. The apartment is half packed and I’ve been round to Bucky’s studio apartment to deep clean it before we attempt to live there. I was hoping to do apartment first THEN store but every way we looked at it it was just an impossibility, it all had to be done at once. I hope I at least get to knock something down with a really big hammer. Just for fun. 

Bucky was his usual Bucky self when it came to the plans for the apartment, I think maybe just maybe that’s his forties attitude coming out when ‘homely’ things were very much the role of the lady of the house. He had a few requests though, exposed brick on one wall, no green, a garbage disposal and dishwasher. Oh and a whirlpool bath tub. AND that we get to go to IKEA for furniture. 

With all this, lost under piles of plans and brochures and paint charts we’d forgotten it was coming up to Valentines Day, which is bad form on both of us. Was it a big thing in the forties? I mean I’ve not done anything vaguely romantic or valentines related in a decade, with the exception of sending gag cards to my friends / Mom / Jed. 

And I think... Bucky has had cross words with Steve. I hope not over Steve asking me to look at they tie pin? The reason I’m wondering is I’ve no doubt Steve is planning some grand romantic gesture for Raven and he’d tell Bucky who would tell me while rolling his eyes and drinking OJ out of the carton by the open refrigerator door. Only he hasn’t. And I’m kind of glad. I don’t need some huge romantic gesture. Not entirely sure Bucky knows what romance is. He’ll probably claim he’s invented a new sex move call that romance and that’s fine with me. 

I gently suggest that if he is going to do something Valentine related then it has to cost no money, just because it’ll mean something else that needs packing and flowers in a mechanics shop? They’d probably die within an hour. 

I find him the dumbest card I can, it’s got a joke on it about giving a limb for love. I leave it propped on his tool box in the shop. Which when I went near I got the strangest memory of my Grandma Jean, my Mom’s Mom. Don’t know where that came from. 

I actually wake up alone on Valentines Day. He’s taken Hopper to his shop so he can get used to it. 

As I turn over and stretch my arm out underneath his pillow my hand touches something, paper? Oh an envelope. He did get me a card? I bet it’s hilarious, it won’t have hearts and flowers on I know that. It’ll probably have some sexual innuendo and maybe a stick figure drawing in it of whatever sex position he’s come up with. 

It doesn’t feel like a card, it’s not stiff... 

My phone says it’s nine thirty and don’t have a client until eleven so I’ve got time to... investigate. 

I pull it out from under the pillow. A plain white envelope with my name written on. He has such beautiful handwriting, I think it’s a bit of a lost art to be honest. 

What is this a letter? 

I sit bolt upright because it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been dumped by a letter left on my pillow. 

‘Savannah, 

There are some things I want to say to you... it’s not that I can’t say them to your face... it’s more my stupid brain gets them in the wrong order or I’ll get distracted halfway though what I want to say and end up going off on a tangent and literally forget what I wanted to tell you in the first place. SO for Valentines Day I wrote it down (hopefully in the right order) 

My brain was so broken, that night I approached you in the alleyway, there were only fragments of a person. I honestly don’t remember much of it. Not clearly anyway, I do remember you were warm and kind. I knew I was safe with you. 

Between that night and the next time I saw you when Steve gave you your new car I’d been in and out of stasis. I kept dreaming of you. Though I never got your face right, I was convinced I’d dreamt you up entirely. He reassured me you were very real. 

Even when you’d come visit me in the hospital you’d still feel like a dream. A colourful rainbow filled dream. 

It wasn’t until that night you came to the penthouse I allowed myself to believe you were real, because Steve and Sam could see you too. So you had to be real... and you really were that beautiful. 

I had no idea what to do, my emotions had been suppressed for so long I didn’t know what this feeling was I’d get every time you were near me. The only emotion I’d really had for the past seventy years was fear. And this was the opposite. 

I knew I liked talking to you. You didn’t treat me like other people did, like I was breakable or someone to be afraid of and you were so patient in teaching me the ways of this new world I’d become part of. 

I knew I wanted to kiss you. Oh boy did I know I wanted to kiss you. Had Steve not interrupted us that night watching the movie about the flying dragon I probably would’ve tried to kiss you then. 

And I know I scared you when I kissed you on that dance floor, I know I did. And I don’t blame you. I was scared too. But as first kisses go, it was the best. Even if you did run off (sorry, again) 

When I found out you’d been taken, I broke Stark’s expensive conference table, literally crushed it with my fists. I was terrified. I’d only just found you and now I’d lost you. You literally got shot because of me, yet you still wanted to talk to me, you weren’t mad at me. And then YOU kissed me, I swear it was like the stars aligned. Like all the colours on your body flowed from your skin on to mine.

That first night we shared a bed, I knew then, that I was falling in love with you. Despite my brain still trying to work itself out, trying to recognise emotions, I knew that one, I knew love and I knew it was shaped like you. Especially when you wrapped me in your arms after a night terror, you weren’t scared, you didn’t want me to leave. You wanted me with you. 

I think I can pretty much admit that I was a hundred percent sold on you before you’d even taken your clothes off. And the night you did take your clothes off? Oh Savannah, you just have no idea, I’ll never be able to put it into words. You never looked at me like I was a freak with a metal arm, never looked in disgust at my battle scars and war wounds. And your body? Your amazing beautiful colourful body that you wanted ME to touch? Intimately? Again you were so kind and patient and that first time I was so nervous, you showed me that sex was fun not a silent under the covers lights out marital duty. 

I know we’ve not had the easiest or smoothest first year of being together, we’ve probably been through more in twelve months than most other couples do in a lifetime. The bad times, they were truly bad, but the good times Doll. The good times. The times when it’s just you and me at home with the animals and we’re dancing to the radio, or stretched out on the dumb falling apart couch wrapped round each other talking nonsense while the television plays in the background, or when we’re spooned up in bed falling asleep while the world rumbles on outside. 

And the sex. I honestly in my wildest dreams never knew it could be like that. Funny, wild, exhilarating, crazy, romantic, tender, loving. And it’s you that makes it feel like that. 

You Savannah, are my everything. 

I could write pages on why you are my everything. 

Pages of why I love you so much. 

It’s the way you hold me when I have a night terror, and on a morning you cuddle up to me letting me know I’m starting the day in a safe place, with you.

It’s the way when my brain gets things in the wrong order you help me put it right, without ever getting frustrated or angry with me. 

It’s the way you remind me to do things, without making me feel like a child.

It’s the way you know what I’ve done yet you still want to touch me, hold me, kiss me, live with me. 

It’s the way your eyeliner wings are always immaculate. 

It’s the way you wear my T-shirt’s and nothing else around the apartment. 

It’s the way you always smell so sweet, and taste like home. 

It’s the way you don’t take any shit from me. 

It’s the way you love me. 

One day soon Savannah, I’m going to ask you to marry me. You can be Savannah Barnes, Savannah Rogers, Savannah Rogers-Barnes or Savannah Barnes-Rogers. To me it won’t matter. What will matter is that you love me enough to say yes. 

To say yes to spending the rest of your life with me. 

The guy you rescued in the alleyway. 

Forever Yours  
J.B.B x’

What am I wearing? My bottoms look enough like jogging bottoms. I get out of bed, throw a hoodie on that was hanging up by the door, put my feet in my UGGs and practically run to Bucky’s shop. 

I fly in through the door, he’s sitting behind his desk, Hopper’s in his crate. 

“Savannah?” I’m still clutching the letter “... your card’s had me laughing since I got here” he looks around his computer screen “... did you run?” 

I can’t make my words come out, not because I’m out of breath, well I am and my boobs are gonna hurt from bouncing all the way over here because I didn’t put a bra on. I lift my arm out in front of me with letter in my hand. 

“You... you... love me” 

The corner of his mouth curls up in a smile and he stands up walking over to me “... of course I do...” 

“... like in the letter...” 

“More than in the letter... but gotta save some things to put in the many many more letters that I am going to write you...” he holds me and kisses me deeply “... for the rest of your life...” 

“I got you a dumb card” 

“Hey I love my dumb card... I’ve never written a love letter before... did I do it... right?” 

“Oh Bucky... you did it so right... Happy Valentines” 

“Happy Valentines Doll”


	64. I came in like a wrecking ball

I was right. About Bucky and Steve not speaking. 

I know because when the majority of things, and by majority I mean everything but our bed moves from the apartment to either the lock up or Bucky’s shop it’s Sam that comes to help, Steve is nowhere to be seen, and I can tell that Sam is being very Sam like about it by not poking the bear aka Bucky about what’s going on. 

I didn’t want the bed moved because I want to cling on to NOT moving for as long as possible. I don’t do very well with moving. I am a person with a very delicate balance. And moving, or any other kind of emotional upheaval also makes me physically... upheave. As in vomit. I am an emotional vomiter. So I try and put off the inevitable vomiting for as long as possible. 

Sam declines staying for dinner, seeing as all thats in the apartment is our bed and the couch. BUT he does stay while I FINALLY complete Bucky’s tattoo, mainly because he wants to laugh at Bucky’s pain. I wanted Bucky to be the last person I tattooed in the old Kirby Dots. It seemed to have a nice symmetry. And I guess whatever is going on between him and Steve can’t be that bad as he doesn’t change the design of his tattoo. They now have a matching pair of wings. Sam doesn’t want a tattoo when I offer, but he doesn’t dismiss the idea entirely. 

I’m going to be temporarily working out of a tattoo shop called The Pink Palace. It sounds like a strip club? It was a strip club and the guy who bought it, Owen, liked the name so much he didn’t change it. I’m only seeing clients that have pre existing bookings, pieces I’ve already started or bookings that have been scheduled for months. I’m not starting anything new or doing walk ins so my time is freer for renovations. Jed is going to work in the Bean, one of Brian’s baristas quit to go travelling so Jed is going to fill in for him while the renovations happen. Plus it’s rapidly coming up to their wedding so being in the same place more often will enable them to finalise everything rather than Jed literally jogging back and forth to check things as Brian is terrible at answering his phone. 

The bed is in the middle of the lounge now everything else is gone. Hopper and Alpine are at either ends of the couch. Me and Bucky are stretched out on the bed, there’s Chinese takeout containers with plastic chopsticks sticking out on the floor. That is not gonna make for fun vomiting, should’ve gone for soup. 

“So...” 

“I know I know I won’t poke my tattoo...” 

“No... but please don’t do that... tell me about Steve” 

“I need to pee” 

“No you don’t you’re avoiding the subject” 

“How do you know somethings wrong?” 

“Well I’m sure he had some kind of grand romantic valentines plan that would have made you roll your eyes while you told me and you didn’t have anything to tell me, then today Sam came to help, I’m not saying he wouldn’t have anyway but no Steve... Steve who loves an excuse to come check up on you...” 

“He’s busy?” 

“Lies...” 

“I was... angry with him...” 

“You’ve been angry with him before...” 

“Not like this” 

“Tell me about it?” I turn on my side so I can see him “... you know I won’t judge you...” 

“The photo he sent you” 

“Of the tie pin? That’s what it’s about?” 

“It belonged to a woman called Peggy Carter, she founded SHIELD, she was a brilliant, courageous, trailblazer of a woman, you would have LOVED her and I’ve no doubt she’d have loved you... she was... indifferent to me, but probably because I was always getting Steve in trouble...” 

“They were...” 

“Together? No... she asked him on a date... which was... not done at that point in time only from what I understand Steve did his crashing a plane into the Arctic before it could happen... he’s built it up in his head that she was the great love of his life when she wasn’t... she was... brilliant on her own... and when he asked you to... take him on a trip down memory lane... it’s just... he needs to leave it alone... because let’s say Stark figured out time travel, and Steve... left, he went back to be with her, he’d erase everything she did, this monumental life she lived, her whole family, her husband... her children... for the sake of his dick... and not only her... if he wasn’t... there at certain points in my life because he’d gone back to be with her I’d still be with HYDRA, I wouldn’t be laid here next to the woman I love because my idiotic best friend let his dick do all the thinking and...” 

“Shhhh Buck... it’s ok...” I sling myself over him “... I understand exactly why you got upset” 

“You do?” 

“Of course I do, the idea of being back with HYDRA, not being... here must be terrifying...” 

“Plus you’re not a... toy... or a dog who can do tricks on command... I told him... as part of a conversation not so he could ask you to do... whatever... and I told him if he told Stark that I’d take you and the animals and go far away where no one could find us...” 

“My personal protection squad” 

“Yup...” 

“Well... here’s what I think you should do, well we should do... we’re gonna find out even if I can show people what I see when I experience an echo, and you are gonna talk to Steve...” 

“Ugh...” 

“You can’t never speak to him again, you’ve been through too much together... you can explain why you got angry... and I will help you if you want... you can write down what you want to say so you don’t lose the thread of the conversation... how does that sound?” 

“Still ugh... but you’re right” 

“Uh huh... and you know how upset he’ll have been not coming to help out today he’s probably making Sam give him a blow by blow account of the day with military precision” 

“Maybe if I invite him to come smash down some walls we can work through it” 

“Erm I don’t know if two hurt angry people with power tools in an enclosed space is a good idea?” 

“What if we use Sam as a referee?” 

“Ok... but don’t think I’m not gonna knock down walls as well, I’m excited... gonna put some Limp Bizkit on and smash shit up” 

“I don’t know what that means but ok” 

“Now listen Barnes... these next few weeks are gonna be tough... we’re gonna be cramped up and stressed out so let’s make a no shouting talking only deal? Good?” 

“Yes...” 

“And you can’t just waltz in to the place where I’m working like you do with Kirby Dots” 

“I know...” 

“And you’ll be ok with Hopper?” 

“Very much so... and I’m looking forward to having Alpine hang out too, and no she can’t get out I’ve secured everything... this is like... the first step on the forever ladder huh?” 

“I think your Valentines letter is the ground the forever ladder is on...” 

He kisses the top of my head “Love you...” 

“Good talk Barnes... Alexa... lights off” We’re plunged into darkness. Into the darkness of our last night in this apartment. This wonderful apartment where so much has happened. Where the future is still unwritten “... oh and I love you too...”

I make it till seven am. Then the vomit. I’m on the dry heaves by the time Bucky finds me and before he can say anything his phone is ringing out so I make a shooing motion for him to go answer it. I’ve got a feeling I know who it is. 

“Hey Janis... yeah she is... how did you... every time huh? .... no she didn’t tell me... crackers and Gatorade? yup I can do that... yup hang on” 

He reappears in the bathroom door holding the phone out with speaker phone already on. 

“Mom...” 

“Hello darling... how bad is it?” 

“On the heaves...” 

“Good... good.... now I’ve told Bucky what he needs to do... and he can go fetch that while he takes the puppy out... right Bucky?” 

“Yes ma’am” 

“Good... now Savannah... this is happy times yes... happy... so enjoy... I’ll see you both soon, love you both” 

“Love you too Mom” 

“Bye Janis... love you” he hangs up the phone, Hopper’s at his feet “...why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Was hoping it wasn’t going to happen” 

“Yeah... well it did huh?” I cough and heave, again, so he rubs my back “I need to pee... fuck it I’m gonna pee in the sink...” 

“Gimme me minute and I’ll move...” He’s already gone and I hear the sound of water running? “Bucky?” 

“Yeah?” 

“What are you doing?” 

“Peeing in the sink?” 

“Jesus... in the kitchen sink? BUCKY” 

“What? It’s gonna get ripped out today anyway... now you...” 

“Stop talking to me while you’re peeing it’s weird...” 

“You’re weird” 

I dry heave again “Ugh...” 

“Here’s what’s gonna happen...” his voice is getting closer to the bathroom “...I’m gonna take the puppy out so he can pee... gonna fetch you Gatorade and crackers... and some Dramamine... while I’m gone you think you can get Alpine cosy in the bedroom so she’s not stressed out? I’d take her to the shop now but I want us to be with her when she’s first out of her crate as she’ll be pissed” 

“Mmm K...” 

“Good... oh and the skip is here and they’re setting up the chute for us to dump stuff down” 

“They didn’t see you peeing in the sink did they?” 

“No...” 

“Buck...” 

“Maybe... who cares... then when I get back HAMMER TIME” 

“You don’t know what that means” 

“It doesn’t mean smashing things with a hammer?” 

“No...” 

“Come on Hopper... let’s go huh...” his voice is getting further away again “... please don’t die while I’m gone...” 

“Ugh” 

I think my stomach is solid enough again for me to contemplate moving. Yup, it’s good. I brush my teeth and rinse my mouth out. Sit for five minutes of the edge of the bathtub just to make sure that I’m not gonna heave again but I think I’m over it, for now. 

I strip the bedding off and put it in the empty bedroom, I even arrange it like a nest. I drag in Alpine’s food and water bowls, which almost make me puke again. And her litter box, which does make me dry heave. Finally I scoop her up from where she’d been snoozing on the couch. We take a walk around the apartment with her in my arms. How did we get here puss? It was just you and me and a random collection of furniture and now there’s a whole ass person and a puppy here too and our beloved eclectic home is about to be pulled to pieces. Usually she’ll wriggle and try and escape my clutches but today she snuggles herself tighter into my arms. 

“Things are gonna be a bit different Alley Cat... and I’m sorry about the disruption... I know you don’t like change... but it’ll be worth it... and you’ll like staying at the shop... there’s lots of places to hide and there may even be a mouse or two for you to chase like an actual cat...” she lazily blinks at me “... I know... I love you too... and Bucky loves you... and Hopper... even if they are stinky boys... now... I’ve put some catnip in your favourite toy so you can just chill out... Hopper won’t be in to bother you...” I put her down in the nest I’ve made for her where she sits and washes her paws “... sorry about the noise but don’t do a worry ok?” 

I quickly walk out and close the door behind me. 

I put on socks and boots, I’d slept in jogging bottoms and a sweater anyway as it was cold with all the furniture gone, Bucky had done the same so we could literally get up and make a start. 

I’ve taken off five kitchen cupboard doors by the time he gets back. 

“Where’s Hopper?” 

“Jed... he’s not on shift today so he’s gonna look after him... now I brought you a variety of things... crackers... Gatorade... meds... there’s coffee if you want it and some banana bread... look at you taking the doors off... I’m gonna take apart the bed... are you sure you don’t want to keep it?” 

“With the broken head board?” Bucky had been erm... holding on to the headboard one of the first times we... and he’d not quite worked out how strong his arm was... so it’s had a perfect fist shaped hole in it for months now. Plus I’d split soup all over it when I hadn’t got a mattress protector on so it kind of looks like a crime scene “Quite sure...” 

“Ok then...” 

I get Alexa to play us a rock station while we work. I chastise Bucky for not using a screwdriver and instead simply using his metal hand to break things apart, I can’t be bothered to drive him to the tower with sparks coming off his arm for Tony to shout at him for being a dumbass. 

I’ve got the kitchen cupboard doors all off and ready to be slung out of the window and into the skip in the alleyway below. Now it’s time for what I was most excited for. 

“Alexa... play Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit...” 

“Wait... Alexa stop... Savannah... stop” I’ve literally got the sledgehammer in my hands, gonna Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball the shit out of this “Doll... you wanna...” 

“James Buchanan Barnes you are not about to mansplain me are you?” 

“Huh?” 

“You’re not about to explain how to use a sledgehammer?” 

“Oh... no... I was gonna say... here...” he pulls a pair of safety goggles out of the toolbox and passes them to me “... put those on...” I slip the elastic round the back of my head and lower them making sure they’re tight against my face “... ok... carry on” 

“Alexa play Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit” 

“Playing Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit on Apple Music...” 

I take a years worth of over thinking out on the kitchen, every time the sledgehammer smashes through the worktop or a cupboard or the pipes under the sink it’s like a huge fuck you to all the absolute garbage I’ve dealt with. I got shot, hammer goes through the counter. Bucky went soldier, hammer goes through a cupboard. My fucking Father coming back, hammer goes through a shelf. I turn the kitchen into a pile of trash. Just smash it to pieces. I’m surprised I don’t knock a hole in the wall by accident. Or go through the floor. 

“Is it wrong that my dick is super hard right now?” 

I turn from my pile of what is basically rubble to see Bucky sitting cross legged on the floor. The bed in pieces, the mattress cut into squares so it can be pushed out through the window. He must’ve been starting to work on the couch because its upside down. 

“Maybe slightly? Is it my big hammer?” 

“More the sheer force behind the hammer... I now understand how you knocked Steve on his ass... oh... yeah... that’ll get rid of a hard on... think about Captain Fuckass...” 

“Did someone mention my name?” Steve’s stood in the room, Sam at his side “I... erm...” Sam nudges him “... I came to apologise...” Sam nudges him yet again “... to BOTH of you... for asking you to... with the... I’m sorry... I should really take my head out of the past... I mean things are... with Raven... and I’m sorry?” 

I look at Bucky, he’s scowling in Steve’s direction. Steve who looks like a helpless puppy dog right now. 

Sam tries to break up the tension “What in the Miley Cyrus in her underwear have you got going on here Little Rogers? Having a good time?” 

“Yup... got me a big hammer see... apparently Bucky quite...” 

“You shouldn’t have even thought about it” his voice is raised and he’s pointing a screwdriver at Steve 

“I know Buck... I know... I am... sorry... truly I am” 

“Fine... but don’t just stand there... all this needs to go down the chute and into the skip or is your head too far up your ass to help?”

“Down the chute you say?”

“Yeah... it’s not big enough to slide down... I asked” 

“Of course you did” 

“Did you and Raven have a good... Valentines?” I’m watching Bucky as I ask Steve who’s already pulling pieces of the bed toward the window 

“Oh well... erm yes? I bought her a bracelet...” Bucky makes an approving face in my direction “... and hired out the whole of the restaurant at the top of the Rockefeller...” And there it is, there’s the eye roll “...filled it with flowers, hired a string quartet...” I think Bucky might be able to see his brain his eyes are rolling so hard “... she seemed to like it...” 

“Bird Boy.... get a card from your Mom?” 

“Fuck you for not still having a Mom so I can’t say your Mom sent me a card... but no... zero romance for me... Little Rogers?” 

“Erm... we’re kind of in the middle of... this... not really time for Valentines” 

“Well not top of the Rock kind of Valentine anyway... I wrote Savannah a letter” 

“A letter?” Steve is scrunching his nose up 

“Hey... with that face Fuckass... it was a good letter” 

“It was a great letter... I ran to his shop in my pyjamas” 

“With no bra on...” Bucky looks super proud of himself 

Sam claps his hands together loudly “SO... everything needs to go in the skip?”


	65. Even if we’re just dancing in the dark

Bucky’s POV

“I have a knife” 

A knife? Savannah that’s not going to help in this situation. Don’t... don’t walk over there... I’m not a Doctor but I can tell that man is bleeding. He could be dangerous. She takes a step forward. And you say I run toward danger? What the fuck are you doing right now? 

Wait. I’m in the alleyway. I was in bed. At the shop. How did I get here? Oh god I’ve had a... blackout? I’ve blacked out. I need to get to the Tower, and fast. 

“Savannah... I... my head... gotta get to Helen... Savannah...” she’s ignoring me, still headed for the person on the floor “Savannah...” I take steps towards her and go to grab her elbow but my hand goes straight through her “... why is this so familiar? And what is that smell? Savannah...” She’s toeing the person shaped heap on the floor. Doll please don’t do that. Doesn’t your Mom always say don’t poke the bear “SAVANNAH” 

She’s picking the person up from the floor. 

Oh. 

OH. 

Oh... god... 

“Savannah... look at me... PLEASE... you’ve... I don’t know how you’re doing it but STOP... PLEASE STOP...” 

She passes by me, she’s carrying me, the other me to her Jeep. Look at you Savannah... look at me. A shell of a person in an alleyway, bleeding, and smelling... like that. Yet you took me to Steve. Why did you do it? 

Ok think logically. This isn’t real. It can’t hurt me. That me there, he’s the one hurting. 

“You’re gonna fall in love with her you know” 

“What did you say?” I blink my eyes open and she’s sat up in bed next to me holding my hand, my flesh hand. We’re in the studio apartment “Buck? You’ve been mumbling for the past twenty minutes... it’s ok... you’re safe... you think I could have my hand back?”

I yank my hand away from her and spring from the bed. It’s gotta be... something has to be close to us. She’s echoing from... something... she’s echoing and she doesn’t even know she is. 

“Gotta be...” I go to her side of the bed and open the drawer, that’s when I see it. The hat I was wearing that night. Why did I keep it? 

“Bucky?” 

“You echoed...” 

“No... I’ve been sat here reading my kindle while you slept and... mumbled...” 

“How long were you holding my hand?” 

“You tried to knock the kindle from my hands? I wasn’t done reading so I stilled your hand by keeping hold of it?” 

“You echoed” 

“Again... no I didn’t... Bucky... you’re freaking me out... should I call...” 

“No... no just...” I take the hat from the drawer and walk over to the pole and sling in down into the shop, I’ll deal with it in the morning “I saw it...” as I slide back into bed next to her she finally puts the kindle down on the pile of boxes next to the bed “... that night... in the alleyway... I saw... us...” 

“I think you probably just had a dream” 

“It felt so real” 

“Dreams do sometimes” 

She’s slung herself over me, which I’m glad of, it’s kind of cold in here. Even for me. And I keep finding Alpine in boxes of clothes, snuggled as far in as she can. It’s only Hopper that’s not bothered by the temperature difference between here and the apartment.

“That night... in the alleyway” 

“It was just a dream...” 

“You weren’t scared?” 

She snakes her hand up my pyjama top, her fingers tracing where metal meets flesh. 

“No... I thought you were a homeless drunk... not the first time I’d have found one” 

“And when you realised... I mean... why did you not call the police and run?” 

“You were... helpless... if I’d have called the police they’d have come and hauled you off and what? You’d have been a John Doe... gone to a hospital where they’d have had no idea what to do...” 

“That’s not an answer” 

“I just... I had a...” 

“Feeling?” 

“Yeah... but I didn’t know... that we were gonna... be... here now I just knew I had to help you...” 

“Would you talk to Wanda?” 

“About?” 

“Your echoes... just ask her how she... makes people see things...” 

“It was just a dream Buck” 

“I know... I know... you’re too kind though... it’ll get you in trouble one day” 

“It already did... when... they... took me, it was because I’d stopped to search for change...” 

I pull her closer “Savannah...” 

“I’m here now? Jesus it’s FUCKING FREEZING” 

“We could’ve stayed at the Penthouse?” 

“With Raven coming and going? Making your... soldier senses go crazy? And Steve being... Steve?”

“Yeah I guess it would be a step backwards...” 

“Maybe we could get some space heaters?” 

“I’ll space heat you...” 

“You talk so much shit” 

I love this. I think it’s one of my favourite parts of our relationship. From what I remember my parents slept in separate beds. They’d sit in silence reading and then turning off the light after wishing each other Goodnight. Not like us, I could and often do talk to Savannah from the moment I wake up to the second I fall asleep. Sometimes it’s huge life altering conversations like the layout of the new apartment or maybe we should have a joint will. But the best times are when it’s ‘if you had to be a bear what kind of bear would you be?’ or ‘do you think you could replace all the water in the world with vodka and how long would it take people to realise?’ 

“Whatever...” I pull her so she’s on top of me, just because I can, it’s funny, and I like it when she lays on top of me like a starfish, it’s not a... sex thing... it’s just a... thing “... warmer?” 

“I guess...” she settles down slightly putting her head in the crook of my neck, she’s not heavy, well not to me anyway “...are you sad?” 

“About what?” 

“The apartment?” 

“Oh... I mean a little... it was your home really then by the time it became our home it was already in the planning stage of what’s happening now... it’s not the apartment that’s my home Savannah... you are... but yeah I’m worried it won’t... feel the same... it was so grounding to me, this safe bubble not like the Tower I mean there it’s like a fortress a really fancy fortress but the apartment was... mentally safe... it always felt... like home, the sounds of Brooklyn, the smell of the bakery down the street, all your belongings, your life, it was like nothing could hurt me in there” 

“Now it’s our life?” 

“Yeah it is...” 

“What do you wanna do for your birthday?” 

“Forget it’s happening? I was... was in surgery last year?” 

“Yeah and I didn’t know that... it was your birthday I mean... can you remember any... happy birthdays?” 

“I remember vomiting scotch outside a bar on my twenty first, on some lady’s shoes... can’t remember the lady, only her shoes... honestly it’s not important... don’t plan anything...” 

“I won’t, it’s your birthday... not gonna force you to do something for the sake of other people... you’re getting a cake though... and a gift... you don’t get a say in that... oh and when it’s your hundredth... yeah that’s gonna be out of this world... deal?” 

“Fine... what kind of cake?” 

“Well seeing as we’re... here I ain’t baking... so... you want ice cream cake?” 

“No... cake and ice cream should be two separate entities I’ve said this before” 

“Carrot cake?” 

“Vegetables and cake? It sounds like something that came about because of war rationing so no, next...” 

“Chocolate?” 

“Ugh... no... it’s too... chocolate” 

“A giant cookie?” 

“Yes... I mean yes please? One with peanut M&Ms” 

“You can get M&Ms with your face printed on” 

“Shut the front door” 

“It’s true...” I feel her yawn, her warm breath heavy against the side of my neck, I hold her closer again, just for a moment before she wriggles away from me. I spoon up behind her. Everything is alright with the world if the last thing I see is a mass of blue hair before I fall asleep. She pulls my arm around her, and shuffles so her back is against my chest “... do you think we should name it?” 

“Name what?” 

“The apartment... you know so people would have to write it as part of the address...” 

“That sounds super dumb so yes” 

“Cool we’ll name it..” she smacks her lips and mumbles something intelligible. 

Goodnight Doll.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter, little bit of fluff, my endometriosis pain has been out of this world today so I wrote myself some comfort ❤️


	66. There’s no crying in baseball

Steve Rogers wants to see me. 

This could mean anything from checking in on Bucky to talking to me about my echoes and telling me I need to register myself as a weapon of mass destruction. 

At least it’ll be something to do because I am BORED OUT OF MY GODDAM MIND. 

My appointments are few and far between. And there is nothing to do at the apartment because... well because there’s NOTHING there, quite literally. We went to look, everything has gone, it’s got no floors, it is an empty shell. The wiring has been ripped out, Bucky’s pleased about this because if he stood too close to the outlet on the kitchen counter he’d get shocks in his metal arm. The plumbing has been ripped out, I’m pleased about this because it means there’ll be no more times when actual ice comes out when you turn on a faucet. But it added to the character. Uh huh of course it did Doll, eye roll. 

At least it still has a roof, for now. Though it is down to be replaced. 

The worst part, well the most disturbing part is the GIANT HOLE IN THE GROUND. It’s like a structured sink hole. There was a basement of sorts... I mean I had to stoop to go down there and it was damp and filled with pipes but now is like the depth of a whole other building. Which is apparently what you get when Tony Stark is in charge. You get a plank to walk over while you look down and up and wonder how the hell this happened. 

Living at the shop is... fine. What isn’t fine is my total lack of organisation when it came to packing my belongings. This means I have no idea where the clothes I wear everyday are. Or my regular underwear. But I do find my roller skates? 

“Can you not?” 

“You’re simply jealous because you haven’t got the balance to skate” 

“Uh huh” 

He’s ‘tinkering’ with something, some part of an engine, but because his shop is HUGE and he mostly works in the centre of it there’s a perfect circuit running around the outer edge. A perfect circuit with smooth clean concrete. 

“Didn’t you ever see Boogie Nights?” 

“Nope... is it like the move with fever discos?” 

“No that’s Saturday Night Fever... Boogie Nights is about porn and one of the characters never takes her skates off” 

He looks up as I wheel past him “...never?” 

“Nope...” 

“I see... what panties are you wearing?” 

“What’s that got to do with anything?” 

“Because last time I took your pants off you had a literal cat printed in your crotch... I’m not saying they were... bad... just... unexpected” 

“Don’t knock the pussy pants... I can’t find my regular underwear” 

“I told you to pack in order of what you wore all the time... and please don’t take offence to this because I love you and you’re incredibly stylish but you’re wearing a basketball vest and silver booty shorts right now and I don’t think anyone could make that work...” 

“One... this vest is a classic... GO BULLS and two these shorts were the least shocking thing to be worn at PRIDE... five years ago... and besides... I’m sweaty” 

“You’re sweaty because you’ve been skating in circles for an hour now” 

“I’m bored” 

“I know” 

“You said I wasn’t allowed to read anymore” 

“Because you read super complicated books about physics and then try and talk to me about string theory... I mean... why? Why not read that... grey book?” 

“Because Christian Grey is a possessive stalker with a virgin fetish, those books are setting feminism back years and besides... it’s basically super bad Twilight fanfiction” 

“Uh huh...” 

He goes back to looking at whatever he’s doing. I sail past Alpine who’s sitting on top of a pile of boxes. I’ve not seen her all day. Hopper’s stretched out by Bucky’s feet totally unbothered. I’m so distracted by seeing Alpine that I don’t realise the door has opened and I collide with the man mountain that is Steve Rogers. 

“Whoa shit... sorry...” 

“Not a problem” he’s holding my forearms and in skates I’m taller than him, I think it’s making him feel uncomfortable 

“Hey Fuckass... don’t mind roller girl there, she’s bored apparently” 

“So is this a...” I lower my voice despite knowing Bucky will still be able to hear me “... with or without the Weiner Soldier conversation?” 

“Without... I need a woman’s... advice” 

“I see... well...” I wriggle from his grip and head towards the door “... come on then... we can go to the bean” 

“PUT SOME PANTS ON” 

“No...” 

“It’s cold outside” 

“I’m going across the road, to warm... warm delicious caffeinated beverages” He looks up from his work and GLARES at me “... FINE... but I’m still not taking my skates off...” 

I put on a set of cleanish overalls that were hanging by the door. I then make Captain America pull me, on my skates across the street to the bean, then wheel me to the booth furthest toward the back. No Jed or Brian today, it’s the twins, which is good. The twins are... not bothered by Steve, who’s in his ‘I’m in disguise but it doesn’t really work’ outfit but are slightly bemused by my get up. 

As Pricilla comes over to take our order Steve’s cell rings out, it’s Bucky, I look out the window and I can see him standing outside the shop. 

“Buck? ... no caffeine... yup... got it...” he puts his cell back on the table “... so I’ll have a large black coffee and apparently Savannah here will not... sorry Savannah...” 

I swivel to look out the window Bucky’s still there, waving at me smug look on his face so I flip him the bird. Ok so one day I maybe got over caffeinated because I’m still drinking the same amount of coffee and not doing the same amount of tasks to burn it off. I’ve only had one... no wait, dammit three coffees today “... ugh... apparently I’m cut off... I will have... I’m not having a milkshake like a child...” Steve raises his brows “... grown ups roller skate too... and I’m not having tea... like a grandma... smoothie... I will have... oooo one of the blue ones? Yes because blue drinks are... the best and... a... am I hungry? Yes... a bagel... with tofu scramble... please and thank you...” 

“No problem... be right back...” 

“You really are bored huh?” 

“So bored... so... fucking... BORED... did you know that my... our building doesn’t even have any floors? And what looks like a sink hole in the ground? We literally WALKED A PLANK” 

“But Bucky is...” 

“Absolutely fine... because he’s still got all his... toys... mine are packed away and I did not do well with packing meaning...” I motion down my body “... roller skates... you can take your glasses off... I mean please take your glasses off... you do realise that get up does not disguise you in any way shape or form right?” 

He slips is glasses off but the baseball cap stays on “What gives it away?” 

“You’re Captain America” 

“It’s usually kids... they see up and under the hat... grown ups not so much” 

“Are you calling me a child?” 

“You have a childlike wonder of looking at the world?” 

“I’ll accept that” A plate of hot goodness is put down in front of me, along with drinks, ugh that coffee smells so good, so so good “... thank you... so I have a vagina...” he coughs around a mouthful of his coffee “... which apparently is why I’m here... although I will point out I am not the only female available to... consult...” 

“Nat, away... Wanda, with Vision... Pepper, too...” 

“Pepper?” 

“Exactly” 

“So...” I scoop up a forkful of food towards my face “... what’s up?” 

“I’m having... problems... of the erm... sexual nature” 

This time I almost choke on my food “... I see...” 

“And I mean... you and him... out of everyone I know... and despite... who you both are have the healthiest relationship... physically...” 

I point my fork at him “Have you considered the fact that you are a gay man?” 

“Many times... many, many... many times... but no... it’s not... that... I’m having problems... sealing the deal, completing the mission so to speak...” 

“It’s called Viagra... little blue pill, you have a slew of world class medical staff at your beck and call...” 

“Oh no... no no... there is not a problem... with that...” 

“Then what...” he’s blushing furiously, it’s endearing and hilarious “... OH... OH... OH Steve you... haven’t... hit a home run?” 

“I can’t even seem to get to first base...” 

“Wow... ok... start at the beginning please... and remember I’ve pierced dicks I’m kind of over bashfulness so...” 

“Right well... I mean everyone kept saying stop... fucking around right? So I thought when I met... her that I’d take my time... only now I’m thinking I either missed the window of opportunity or there never was one... and I wanted to ask you... a... woman, of the... regular variety where I’m going wrong?” 

“And you’re a hundred percent sure it’s not because she doesn’t have a dick?” 

“A hundred percent... guys are... easy because I am familiar with the... mechanics but women are more... complex” 

“Would you like me to draw you a diagram of where to find the clit Steven? There’s this move you can do with your hand like...” I try and show him but he pushes my hand down on the table 

“I know where the clitoris is thank you Savannah... I just can’t get to the part where I... even get anywhere near it to do... that...” I pick my hand up again “...stop doing that... please...” he rubs the bridge of his nose “... where am I going wrong? Am I out of practice?” 

“How did you get the others to take their panties off?” 

“Oh well I mean I made it very clear that it was purely... physical” 

“I see... well you need to find a middle... ground... have you asked if she would like to... stay the night?” 

“I offer but she always has a reason not to...” 

“And when you offer are you implicit that it would involve the insertion of dick into vagina?” 

“The Howling Commandos... mine and Bucky’s squadron... they would have LOVED you... so much... but I always say ‘no pressure’ because pressure is BAD... I’m not Christian Grey” 

“What is it with you and him and those dam books today?” 

“Huh?” 

“Never mind... honestly I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong... but you’re telling me even after... Valentines with the... diamonds?” 

“Yup... and I was not under the illusion that diamonds meant... dick touching?” 

“Well I mean... I’ve never been bought diamonds so...” 

“Maybe she’s just not... attracted to me?” 

“Oh please you look like something a gay guy dreamt up in a laboratory” 

“Thank you?” 

“Have you ever considered the fact that perhaps she’s... self conscious? Because you’re...” I wave my fork again in his general direction spilling tofu on the table “... I mean just because she looks like a super model doesn’t mean she won’t have hang ups about her body” 

“Do you? Have hang ups I mean?” 

“Oh my god like... so many...” 

“But it doesn’t effect you and him...” 

“Getting horizontal?” 

“Yes?” 

“I mean it did... and it wasn’t just me... Bucky... he has a metal arm... he has scars where there’s been literal holes through his body... so the first time we... took our clothes off it was... awkward... but you gotta just... relax... sex is a lot of fun... but bodies are WEIRD... and sex is kind of weird when you think about it, no matter what gender you’re fucking” 

“So you think she... has something... she thinks that would... turn me off?” 

“Maybe? Scars? Stretch marks... one boob bigger than the other, embarrassing tattoos, there’s so much saturation in modern media of bodies that look perfect it’s hard not to compare yourself and get a complex about they way you look in comparison to say... a Kardashian” 

“They’re plastic though... I mean... so I’ve heard...” 

“Which one?” 

“What?” 

“Which one did you fuck?” 

“Khloe but we only made out...” 

“Jesus... look we... women mainly but I’m not saying it doesn’t effect men either... we KNOW that they have an army of plastic surgeons, personal trainers, dieticians and beauticians that reapply their make up every five minutes WE KNOW THIS yet we still... compare... plus you actually making out with one of them and a slew of other beautiful women AND men would give anyone a complex” 

“What am I gonna do?” 

“I’m curious as to what you have ALREADY been doing?” 

“Well I’ve kissed her...” 

“No I mean what do you do with your time without the... sex?” 

“Oh... we... go on dates... it’s... nice?” 

“And I mean she... touches you... not like... sexually but... she’ll hold your hand? Not brush your arm away if you put it around her shoulder that kind of thing?” 

“Right...” 

“Well I think you’re talking to the wrong person” 

“That’s your official diagnosis?” 

“Yes... I am a Dr of love and I officially diagnose that you need to talk to her about this... and don’t worry I will never ever tell HER we had this conversation” 

“But you’ll tell Bucky?” 

“I tell Bucky EVERYTHING... mainly because neither of us have any filter between our brains and our mouths, his was caused by... science, mine is simply a personality trait” 

“Ugh... I don’t wanna... you talk to her” 

“You’re almost a hundred years old get a grip... plus the end goal of the conversation will be...” I repeat my hand gesture “... and make sure you’re wearing clean underwear...” 

“Noted...” the bills is dropped on the table, with a huge discount probably, basically Brian just charges me pennies mainly because he needs to put something through his books and stock count “... I’ll get this...” he turns the bill over and laughs “... on second thoughts... it’s on you...” 

“Yeah that’s what I thought” my bank card is in my bra, it was there because there’s no pockets in the booty shorts and I needed to order... things online. Steve looks HORRIFIED as I pull it out and place it on the plate with the bill for one of the twins to pick up. 

“And you’re SURE Bucky is... ok?” 

“He’s fine... honestly... you really upset him though...” 

“I know... I know... I just needed to... check... was I even doing the right thing dating Raven never mind sleeping with her because Peggy was... she was...” 

“You don’t need to explain to me, he told me, and look maybe I’ll come talk to Wanda about how I could get other people to see what I see but living in the past it’s... destructive... move forwards Steve... forwards” 

“Well no time like the present... can you wheel yourself back across the street? Maybe I’ll take a ride out to see her...” 

“Obviously I can I mean... I’m an adult?” 

“Mmmhmmm...” 

“You won’t come back and see Bucky?” 

“No... I’ll let him... not simmer but... he’s still angry with me... things are... strained SO...” 

“Good luck?” He’s up and out of the booth, he squeezes my shoulder as he goes by 

“Thank you... I’m glad you’re... here... take care of him” 

“I always do...” he pushes his glasses back on as he walks out the door, blending in with the rest of the people on the sidewalk, huh maybe his disguise does work? 

My card brought back I slide it back in my bra and bid the twins goodbye. Maybe I should’ve taken the skates off as my knees have stiffened up while I’ve been sat, I briefly giggle to myself about things stiffening before I skate across the street and back into the shop. 

“You’re back” he looks up, smiles then goes back to his... pile of junk, again. 

“I am...” I start my lap of the shop, because... still bored “AND OH MY FUCKING GOD BUCK THEY AIN’T FUCKING” 

“Wait what?” 

“They are not having sex” 

“Not at all?” 

“Nope... you think it’s because she’s an alien?” 

“I never said ALIEN but... SERIOUSLY?” 

“For realskis Buckaroo... no pants have been removed... no bases have been touched” 

“Can I touch your base?” 

“Can I keep my skates on?” 

“Oh I insist...”


	67. America’s most blunted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for recreational drug use I guess

While I knew Bucky didn’t want a fuss over his birthday it would seem I forgot to send the memo to other people. First a gift from my Mom arrived at eight am, a Native American blanket that she’d picked up on her travels, to be fair it is beautiful and worth the early wake up, even if one of his birthday requests was a lay in. 

I’d taken Hopper out to pee and came back to find Bucky fast asleep wrapped in his new blanket so me and puppy clambered back in bed and fell back to sleep next to him. 

I swear we’d only been asleep five minutes, I was planning a RELAXING wake up, gifts, coffee and pancakes from the bean and then just do whatever Bucky wanted for the rest of the day. 

Unfortunately for us, well Bucky mainly, the two other members of ‘Team Dumbass’ let themselves into the shop, and from the sound of it are stood at the bottom of the fire pole with noise makers and hollering an incredibly bad rendition of happy birthday. 

“Make them go way... sleeping...” he throws an arm over me and pulls me closer to him, how this will help in making them ‘go way’ is beyond me. Hopper the traitor is already off the bed and down the stairs to see what the noise is all about. 

“Bucknasty... get yo butt down this pole” 

“Urrrrrhhhhhhh” 

“Come on birthday Buck...” 

“Savannah... please make them go away...” 

I scramble up from the bed and stand at the top of the pole so I can see them, dear Lord they’re wearing party hats and Steve is trying to put one on Hopper “Sorry boys Bucky can’t come out to play because he’s too old now...” 

“I am not too old...” I turn back and he puts a pillow over his face and yells into it “... for fucks sake”

He’s off the bed wrapped in his new blanket and stood next to me. 

“There he is...” Steve blows his noise maker 

“I didn’t want to do anything...” 

“Who says we’re doing anything... we brought breakfast burritos...” Sam holds out a fast food bag and Bucky’s frown turns upside down “... yeah huh that’s what I thought...” 

“Why didn’t you lead with breakfast burrito” he fashions his blanket like a cape and slides down the pole, looking up at me from the bottom “Doll?” 

“Yeah I’ll take the stairs...” 

Why do people always visit when we’re dressed ridiculously? We’re in matching skeleton pyjamas from Halloween last year that we wore when I was introducing him to scary movies, only now it’s February. And the only reason we’re wearing them is because it’s cold in here and I couldn’t find anything else because again, I’m terrible at packing. 

By the time I get down the stairs they’re sitting on a plastic sheet on the floor next to a space heater. 

“Why are you dressed as skeletons?” 

Bucky shrugs “I mean... why aren’t you dressed as one too is the question Steve... here... Sav... eat... and there’s coffee” 

I sit cross legged, Bucky wraps his blanket around me too “... happy birthday I guess...” 

“So...” Sam’s squinting at Bucky “... you really didn’t wanna do anything for your birthday? I mean last year you were in surgery... and then... before... I mean it’s your first birthday in decades that’s literally happy so...”

“Well there was one thing...” 

I get a pinch to my butt “... HEY... and... later?” 

“No... not that... but yes... later... BUT I want to try drugs?” 

Sam laughs, loudly. Steve chokes on his burrito.

“What? I’m an adult... my meds are level... I wanna try drugs that are fun... not drugs that made me... the other guy... SO... drugs?” 

Bucky looks at each of us in turn, Sam looks as if he’s fine with it, Steve horrified and me? I’m trying to gauge if he’s serious or not. 

“Drugs?” 

“Yes Doll... drugs...” he looks serious 

“Ok...” 

“Ok?” He’s smiling 

I shrug “Yeah...” 

“Wait... I’ve never done... drugs either... should I... do drugs? I mean... Sam?” 

“Don’t look at me Steve... you wanna get high... get high... Savannah, a word?” He’s off the floor and headed where he thinks he’ll be out of ear shot but he won’t, I free myself from the blanket burrito and follow him “... is this a good idea?” 

“They missed the sixties?” 

“They missed their own sixties” 

“I don’t think he means... crack... I don’t think they’re gonna start mainlining Crystal meth... look how about we start them with some pot... it’s legal, they could both qualify for cards for all we know... I’ve got a plentiful stash, nothing hallucinogenic, some good old indica cush... you and I stay... not high at first to see how they cope... it’s very possible it might not have an effect on either of them... at all” 

“Ok... I am not against spending a day getting high with two senior citizens and a woman who’s dressed as if it’s Halloween just so you know... how are we going to get it into them? Edibles?” 

“No... dosages can vary so widely and with enhanced metabolisms they could burn it off before its even started, plus it takes a while to kick in and once Bucky has an idea patience is not one of his strong points”

“Bong?” 

“Too complicated for a first timer and maybe a bit strong we need to EASE them into it...” 

“True that... have you got a vape pen?” 

“Nope... well I do but not for weed... I think we’re just gonna have to go the good old fashioned blunt route... I’ve got some pre rolled?” 

“Then let’s do this?” 

He puts out his hand for me to shake “Let’s do this” 

Sam claps his hands together and makes his way back over to them “Ok gentlemen the weed fairy or rather weed SKELETON there is going to supply your demand BUT can I recommend that we make a comfortable space and put the puppy in his crate upstairs? Then we can... begin”

Bucky drags every soft furnishing he can find to where we’d been sat eating breakfast and builds a nest from blankets and cushions and pillows and sheets, basically anything he can find thats soft from the apartment. Steve takes Hopper once round the block and then puts him in his crate upstairs, complaining loudly about how messy it is up there. And I... find my stash. Easily, so... regular underwear? No idea. Weed stash? Located immediately. 

“Now... you smoke it like a cigarette but... you puff puff pass” Steve and Bucky who are propped up against boxes covered in sheets and blankets look very confused “... you take two drags and then pass it on...” 

“Me and Savannah are not going to... indulge... just yet” 

“Just in case” I hand Bucky the blunt and a lighter “Happy Birthday” 

“Thanks... ready Fuckass?” 

“I think so?” 

Sam rolls his eyes “You’re smoking pot not going into battle” 

Bucky coughs on his first inhale and makes a face of this is gross making me fear this has been a pointless endeavour but he does better on his second puff. Steve repeats Bucky’s coughing fit but doesn’t seem too fussed by the taste. We sit in silence as they pass the blunt between themselves until Steve dots it out in an empty coffee cup. 

They seem... fine? A little too fine? It’s not worked. There should be weed for super soldiers. I could grow it and market it with help from Tony, he wanted avenues that weren’t ‘war’. 

“Am I...” Bucky’s got his hands stretched out in front him “...in a bubble? A bubble where time is slow?” 

Sam looks up from his phone at them. 

“My hair is relaxed... I mean is that possible? Like each of my hairs on my head they’re relaxed... like spaghetti noodles... but made of hair” 

I look at Sam and smile. 

“Bubble is a funny word... words are funny... I mean who came up with them? Like... bread? Who looked at it and thought... bread?... BRRREEEAD...” 

“My mouth feels... weird... like I ate cotton balls... which are like clouds... do you think you could eat a cloud?” 

“Doll?” 

“Yeah?” 

“This is... awesome... I feel like I could swim through time” he makes swimming type motions with his hands, well he tries too “... like the air is water and the water is time... you good Fuckass?” 

I watch as Steve slides further down on to the floor. 

“This blanket is so soft... like a sheep... sheep are clouds too... did you say something to me?” 

“I said are you good?” 

“You sound like you’re miles away... yeah I’m... good... this is... good...”

“Little Rogers...” Sam’s holding out another blunt in my direction “...shall we?” 

“Why yes good Sir... we shall...” 

Bucky and Steve have a giggle fit over the T Rex in Toy Story having really short arms, it involves a demonstration of short arms by Steve who’s arms are anything but short which makes it even funnier. How we started talking about Toy Story in the first place is beyond me. We’re four high people making random statements that occasionally match up with someone else’s train of thought. We sit in a circle passing more blunts between us. Bucky watches me with slow lazy blinks as I blow smoke rings towards him. Time seems to stand still or perhaps not exist at all. Nothing else matters. Just this. Just this moment, this day. 

We Uber Eats ordering every food Bucky thinks is ‘gonna be the best thing ever right now’. Steve falls in love with cold Grape soda and looks at the can like he’s early man discovering fire, until he unwraps a burger so big you could use it as a frisbee. Bucky has a steak sandwich that’s as big as his forearm, which is BIG. It’s basically half a cow and ten onions in an entire loaf of bread, which starts the bread giggles again. Sam goes for pizza and wings, classic stoner food, he stares at the melted cheese hanging from the slice in his and for what feels like an eternity. I opt for a deli platter because salty food is my go to when I’m high, it’s like bites of heaven, especially garlic stuffed olives and sun dried tomatoes. Bucky tells me his mouth feels like it’s sun dried, which is why I added a vast amount of different sodas to the order, he chugs two root beers and feels much better. 

We, as in Sam and I, teach them how to use a bong. There’s a lot of sniggering about bongs and how it’s kind of shaped like a dick and Steve takes to it with ease because... ‘you suck dick Rogers’ to which he just shrugs and takes another hit. It makes the air in the shop turn into a huge green cloud. A huge green cloud that Sam (who’s connected his cell to the Bluetooth speakers) starts pumping Dr Dre and Cypress Hill through. Steve declares that it contains far too many bad language words to which Bucky replies for him to shut the fuck up while he’s... dancing? He thinks he’s dancing, but really he’s just kind of swaying and bopping his head to Insane in the Brain by Cypress Hill. He actually looks like... like he belongs in this century? Just like a typical guy, a typical guy having a good time with his friends and girlfriend on his birthday. 

If we do this again I’m introducing them to stoner movies, Pineapple Express, Dazed and Confused. I think we’re all slightly dazed and confused right now to be honest. 

Bucky takes Hopper out again and comes running back saying everyone was staring at him because they knew he was high. They didn’t, just some good old fashioned paranoia. And for someone... like Bucky he calms down pretty quickly when I explain what’s happening to him.

With the air clearing thanks to the space heater running Hopper stays downstairs with us. Alpine slinks out of wherever she’s been hiding to get some fusses. Eventually we all end up laid on our backs in the shape of a cross. Bucky’s on my left holding my hand. Can’t see Steve and Sam, maybe they’re holding hands? Maybe we should all hold hands?

“Thank you... all of you... for helping a grumpy old man celebrate... I feel awesome right now” 

“As far as introductions to drugs go Little Rogers I think we can call this a success?” 

“A splendid success Mr Wilson” 

“My girlfriend won’t have sex with me unless until we’re married” 

“Wait... what?” I try and sit up slightly but it doesn’t happen “Steve what?” 

“I said...” 

“I think we heard you Fuckass... that’s... too bad?” Bucky starts giggling again, then coughing “...sorry... sorry... not funny” 

“I mean I guess it is kind of funny...” Bucky who’d been trying to contain his laughter gives in as Steve laughs too “... oh god what am I gonna do?” 

“Is that EXACTLY what she said?” 

This time I laugh “That’s what she said” they don’t get it. 

“That’s what she said Sam...” I swallow my laughter again “...she’s... I don’t know redeemed herself not to God but... something... wants to wait... I can’t get married...” 

Bucky squeezes my hand, I know what he’s thinking, it’s the same as what I’m thinking, probably what Sam is thinking too. 

“Steven... let me tell you about pornography...” 

“Savannah I know about pornography... also Tony’s legal team knows about pornography or more how much it cost for my... personal pornography to not end up on the internet” 

“Steve I love you but you’re a fucking idiot” 

“Thanks Buck...” 

“Well good job I didn’t draw you the diagram” 

“I told you I don’t need the diagram” 

“White people... y’all are fucking WEIRD” 

“I can’t get married” 

“You mean you can’t wait there’s a difference Steven... you’re just going to have to marry your... are you right or left handed? Or ambidextrous?” 

“Right handed thank you Savannah...” 

“Plus you know marriage isn’t all about the sex Fuckass” 

“I’m glad I’m single... single Pringle... oooo Pringles” 

“I can’t get married... not for... sex” 

“What did I just tell you Fuckass?” 

“Not all about the sex Buck I heard ya... but still... what do I do?” 

“You are almost a hundred years old... make a decision” 

“What Bird Boy said” 

“Thank you Bucket” 

“What did Savannah get you for your birthday?” 

“Smooth subject change there Fuckass... and I don’t know... yet... oh apart from a giant M&Ms cookie with Happy Birthday Weiner Soldier written on it in frosting... I’m gonna eat it later... probably all in one go” 

“You can have your gift now if you like?” 

“Is it sexual?” 

“Oh thats right... show off... because you can have sex” 

“SHUT UP STEVE... and no... it’s not sexual...” I reach into my pyjama pants pocket and pull out the little gift wrapped packet that’s been in there all day “... here” 

I hurl it in his direction thankfully it lands on his chest “... oh... can I open it?” 

“Of course...” 

He lets go of my hand, he’ll need both to open it, I can’t quite see but I can hear the paper wrapping being torn open “... wait... what is...” 

“You needed new ones... you belong to a different squad now...” 

“I can’t see what is it Buck?” 

“New...” his voice goes a bit wobbly and he makes a sniffling sound “... dog tags...” he takes a deep breath in “... Barnes, James Buchanan... The Wolf Den, Leamen Place, Brooklyn Heights, Brooklyn, NYC...” 

“Wolf Den?” 

“Yeah it’s...” he turns his head to look at me “... we thought it would be funny to name our house...” 

“The other one has your medical info on... just in case... you said not to get you... much?” 

“I love them... and I love you...” 

“Oh my god my girlfriend won’t have sex with me” 

“SHUT UP STEVE”


	68. It’s a nice day for a “white” wedding

“You know I’m not sure you ever told me how you met Jed?” 

It’s the night before Jed’s wedding, I’m wedged in the small bathroom at the shop trying to exfoliate, shave and fake tan my entire body. It’s not going well. Mainly due to lack of space in comparison to many many different beauty products. And me being an almost six foot size fourteen woman. 

“Oh... well...” Bucky’s standing in the doorway watching me, Hopper sat at his feet “... it was... ten years ago... and I’d just been dumped so I was sad drinking and there was a guy next to me at the bar and he told me he loved my tattoos right? So I said thanks I’m an artist and he burst into tears so I’m like what the fuck dude? if this is your way of hitting on me thanks but no thanks... and he’s like... oh no... clearly I’m gay and you are... something but I think my stars just aligned and pulls out his wrist and shows me this awful tattoo of some guys name... Shane? I think it said Shane... so I asked him if perhaps Shane wasn’t... around anymore? And he burst into tears again... and that was pretty much it...” 

“Oh... that’s... sweet? How did he end up working for you?” 

“Well...” I’m scrubbing my arms and thighs with something that smells good enough to eat, must remind Bucky NOT to eat it, he’s made that mistake before “... he just went from crappy retail job to crappy retail job... but his customer service skills are... it’s like he can somehow get people to tell them their entire life story with just a... look... so he was the obvious choice for an... assistant” 

“Why don’t you have any other friends?” 

“Harsh...” he shrugs “... but fair... mainly because people exhaust me? And I like... short bursts of... people... like when I’m at work... it can be for an hour or eight hours... and that’s enough for me... friendships take... work and I’m kind of...” 

“A lone wolf?” 

Hopper howls “... yup... although Mom wants me to... hang out with Wanda... and talk about boys” 

“I see... boys?” 

“That’s what she said...” 

“Where is she?” 

“Rhodey...” 

“Ahhh... can I... help? And why does it smell like a cookie?” He’s got the fake tan bottle in his hand 

“Do not eat that” 

———

I wake up... not orange? I wake up not orange... the bedsheets are not so fortunate? And neither is Bucky’s flesh hand, his palm? Also orange. 

The wedding itself is not until the afternoon, the bean is closed for obvious reasons, so Bucky’s gone in search of food after complaining loudly that there would be no wedding food until MUCH later. He comes back as I’m involving myself in doing my hair. Him? He’ll MAYBE trim his beard and put some gel in his hair and declare it done. Men... ugh. 

“What... the fuck?” 

I look up at him from where I’m sat on the bed “... what?” 

“Are those...” he take a drink from his cup wrapping his tongue around the straw “... snakes? You look like that... she could turn men to stone...” 

“Medusa and they’re hair curlers...” 

“I see... food?” 

“I don’t think I could” 

“Your Mom text me she said you have to eat something even though you’ll be emotionally vomiting today... so... I got you PLAIN things... see?” He starts putting food containers down on the bed “... I got French toast... and waffles?” 

“Are you not nervous?” 

“I literally fought in war...” 

“Can you remember fighting in a war?” 

“Not the point... plus I’m happy... this is gonna be good... even though I’m not sure why I’m a flower... person?” 

“Because you’re kind of... scowly and... it’s... funny?” 

“I do not scowl” 

“You’re scowling right now” 

“This is my FACE I can’t help it... should I shower?” He sticks his head in his sweater and sniffs “...apparently yes... erm... how can I make my hand not... orange?” 

“Use the scrub... it might help... DO NOT EAT IT” 

“I did that ONE time... soap used to smell like SOAP... now it smells like food... it’s confusing to my stomach... I’m gonna take my donuts in the shower...” 

“So first shower beers and now shower donuts? What’s next?” 

“Shower weed smoking... I’ve just not worked out how yet... have fun with your snakes Medusa... don’t turn anyone to stone while I’m in there...” he goes in the bathroom, take out bag in one hand, ice brew coffee in the other kicking the door shut behind him “AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD... EAT SOMETHING” 

——— 

We head over the street a little after two in the afternoon. Brian is already at the venue, welcoming people. Jed and my Mom are at the bean. Mom has been there most of the day being... well Mom. Making sure everything is perfect for the reception that’ll happen there afterwards. Brian has had the yard emptied and it’s got space heaters and canopies, twinkly lights. It’s very... wedding like? The very definition of a Pintrest wedding board for gay hipsters in Brooklyn.

“Dress...” my Mom looks at me like I’ve grown an extra head as I step through the door of the apartment above the bean. 

“Dress?” 

“Oh Savannah... dress...” I look down to make sure it’s not trailed in dirt as we crossed the street it looks... fine? “And Bucky... well... that is a far cry from a soldiers uniform huh?” 

“Yup” he does a proud little spin, he’s wearing a pale blue suit, it’s got a fresh white tee underneath and white box fresh designer sneakers on his feet, he does look rather handsome. 

“Is that them? The Uber will be here soon...” Jed’s walking into the living room “... dress...” 

“Why does everyone keep looking at me like that?” 

“Oh Sav...” he’s hugging me pinning my arms to my sides “... and Bucky... well... so handsome...” once he’s let got of me he’s fussing Bucky’s jacket straightening the blue rose in the button hole “... but Savannah... DRESS” 

“Right?” Bucky’s eyes are wide 

“It’s just a DRESS” 

“You never wear dresses” 

“Weddings are an exception Mom” 

I mean I guess it’s a nice dress? It’s satin, emerald green, I think it kind of looks like a vintage nightie? At least I was allowed sneakers to match Bucky’s. In the immortal words of Nicky Minaj ‘he bought me Alexander McQueen boy was keeping me stylish” or something like that. We’re basically all dressed to make up a rainbow. Mom is purple, Jed, red because it rhymes and Brian yellow which sounds awful but actually works really well. Mom refused to wear sneakers that matched the rest of us, insisting on heels because she’s short and we’re the ‘land of the giants’. Even Hopper has a rainbow bow tie and collar / lead. We were just going to leave him crated at the shop because the bean isn’t far but Jed and Brian insisted he was part of it. And that he walk the aisle with Bucky. 

A notification rings out from Jed’s cell. 

“Uber... everyone ready? Bucky crown? Savannah have you eaten?” 

Bucky puts his flower crown on, and my Mom lets out a half sob half laugh “Sorry... sorry” 

“Yes I’ve eaten... why aren’t you nervous?” 

“Because I’m SURE Savannah...” he squeezes my hand “... I’m sure” 

Bucky has to keep his hand on my leg in the Uber because it keeps jiggling from nerves. I can’t help it. Social anxiety. Oh god I hope I don’t get sweaty, because if I do this dress will hide NOTHING, especially under boob or back sweat. Oh god. Don’t think about sweating think about sitting on an iceberg. In the Arctic. With an iced coffee. Should’ve but miniatures in my purse. Foolish mistake. Always bring alcohol. ALWAYS.

When we get to the venue everyone’s already seated so all we have to do is walk up the aisle. It goes Bucky first, throwing his rainbow petals, hopefully without Hopper eating them. Then me, then Mom and Jed. This is totally fine I can do this. 

As we stand behind the doors that lead to the room Bucky pulls us into a huddle.

“Right listen... it’s time... ok? So... war faces... and stand up straight... all of you...” the sounds of I lost my heart to a Starship Trooper by Sarah Brightman filter through the doors along with the noise of people standing up from their seats “... let’s do this...” 

The doors open and oh god, so many people. So many people. What if I fall over my dress? Bucky’s clearly having no hesitant thoughts just walks out as if he was born to throw petals on an aisle to camp seventies disco music, even gets a round of applause as he reaches Brian at the top, but Hopper was slightly pulling him, he didn’t have much choice in the motion of going forwards.

“Savannah...” Jed nudges me forward “... go...” 

Right yes I can do this... I can do this... it’s right foot together, left foot together, and slowly, it’s not a race, it’s not a race. I try looking straight ahead where I can see Bucky but I get distracted half way down the aisle. There’s an assault on my vision, it’s blurring really fast, oh god, oh no... not now. 

“Bubble...” SHIT I said that out loud, shit, shit... I’ve stopped, SHIT. Ok it’s ok, put yourself in the bubble and get to the top, just get to the top. Left foot... no shit... right foot together, left foot together. 

I get to the top, kiss and hug Brian then after Mom has handed Jed to him we, thank christ, sit down as the minister begins the ceremony. 

Bucky leans into me his voice lowered “Bubble?” 

“I’m ok...” 

“Ssshhh” 

“Sorry Mom...” 

Bucky’s looking directly at me like he’s searching for an answer I can’t give. I don’t know what it was. Other than the beginning of an echo, but this is a wedding. People wear special things, inherited jewellery and such. I shrug and turn around to look into the crowd. I see Rhodey, he’s sat next to Raven, she’s got Steve’s arm looped around her shoulders totally engrossed in the words being exchanged but Steve’s looking right at me. 

“You ok?” He mouths to me and all I can do is nod before turning back to watch my best friend get married. 

———

After the ceremony is done, with a few tears all round we pose outside for photographs. My Mom chastised me and Bucky for not posing ‘correctly’ but we’re not a couple who’ll pose gazing adoringly into each other’s eyes? We’re the couple that pose like Run DMC standing back to back. The couple with the white wolf puppy in his masters arms with his tongue hanging out. 

Once we get back to the bean Bucky and I are separated, mainly because we’re being good hosts as Matron of Dishonour and Flower Person making sure everyone gets a glass of champagne as they come in with the help of the regular bean staff. It’s not until after the groom and groom arrive we get a moment alone, outside, smoking. No weed though. 

“You echoed didn’t you?” 

“I started to...” 

“What was it?” 

“I don’t know it went too fast... but people wear special things to weddings...” 

“You’re a special thing...” he hands me back the cigarette “... this is... many people” 

“Are YOU... good?” 

“Yeah... I’ll be fine... you ready? To be... ugh... sociable?” 

“Yup...” 

“After this we are not seeing any other people for at least a week deal?” 

“Deal” 

I throw the tab away and we head back inside. We begin a round of hellos and introductions, eventually we land in front of Steve and Raven. And that’s when it happens. One minute I’m stood in the bean, the safe bean across the street from Bucky’s shop, our home, the next I’m... where is this? There’s heavy velvet curtains blowing on a evening breeze, outside is... is that the... Eiffel Tower? It smells like perfume, old musky perfumes, the kind my Grandmothers would wear. It can’t be coming from Steve, this is the sixties I can tell by the furniture, by the fabrics, by the dress hanging over the back of a dressing table chair. He’d have been a Capsicle in the sixties. There’s a mirror in front of me and I can see a bed behind me, a man and a woman, he’s slipping a necklace around her neck. Oh... oh... OH SHIT. 

“Savannah...” there’s a large hand waving in front of my face “... is she ok?” 

A cool metal arm slips around my shoulder “... yeah... nervous stomach... didn’t eat... I’ll get some sugar into her... excuse us...” 

“Sure...” 

I let Bucky lead me back into the cool air outside, we go out front. There’s too many people inside for this conversation. 

“Doll...” he snaps his fingers in front of my face “... come on... come back to me... because if Steve tells Janis you’re gonna have to explain why you’re out here... staring into space... come on... you can do it... bubble remember?” 

“Bubble...” 

“That’s it...” my eyes focus on him, he’s still wearing his crown 

“Raven...” 

“I KNEW IT...” he punches the air “I knew it... wait... what do I know?” 

“Her necklace... someone gave it to her” 

“That’s it? That’s... dull...” 

“In the nineteen sixties... in Paris” 

“PARIS?” 

“That’s what you’re concerned about? France... not the fact she looked like she does now IN THE NINETEEN SIXTIES” 

“Who?” 

“Who what?” 

“The necklace... who gave her the necklace?” 

“I knew him I just couldn’t... I need to see again” 

“Ok... then we need a plan... because you can’t go back in there and just... zone out again” 

“What if I wear sunglasses? Say I’ve got a headache” 

“Do you have some in your purse?” 

“No...” 

“Well then... next...” 

“You’re the covert operative!” 

“Who did as he was TOLD I never thought up the plans” 

“For fucks sake” 

“Wanna make out?” 

“Obviously” he spins me into his body cups my face and kisses me deeply, it grounds me further away from my echo which is helpful. Kind of. Except as his tongue passes my lips my mind goes blank as it always does and I forget what we’re trying to do “... stop... stop... not helping...” 

“Right...” 

“Any more ideas?” 

“Nope” 

“Wanna make out again?” 

“Yup” This time he pulls away first “... nope you’re right, not helping” 

“Ok... here’s what we do... we go back in... you keep hold of my hand and I’ll try and stay half with you half in the echo?” 

“Will it work?” 

“I don’t know? Maybe? I’m not an avenger? ... I’m not a successful... avenger? maybe we should get one” 

“No not yet... it could be nothing... let’s not bring in the big guns yet” 

“Nineteen sixties?” 

“I mean...” 

“No you and Steve don’t count... you were frozen... I have a feeling she wasn’t” 

“You SOUND like an avenger... make out with me” 

“Bucky...” 

“Right... right... not helping...” he takes my hand, runs his thumb across my knuckles for reassurance “... I won’t let go...” 

“Don’t...” 

He leads us back into the bean, back through the crowd, it’s doesn’t take long before I get the start of the echo again, it’s like every step closer we get towards Raven the heavier my legs feel, like they’re being weighed down, like trying to walk through deep mud. I smell the perfume, I think it’s a Chanel one? Old, heavy, almost hypnotic. 

My brain is fighting itself, it wants to become absorbed into the echo once again, but I also know that I need to stay in the room mentally enough to look and act vaguely coherently so people won’t know, especially Steve seeing as he knows about my... echos. I can hear Bucky muttering under his breath about how he hopes we don’t see anyone else, especially not my Mom before we get to Steve and Raven. 

“Savannah... are you feeling better?” 

“Yes... thank you Steve...” words out get your words out, then let the conversation happen without you “... sorry blood sugar dropped... too much booze no food... never a good mix...” I turn to Raven who’s smiling at me, I want to look closely at the necklace, it’s nothing out of the ordinary, a simple gold chain with an Egyptian ankh hanging from it “... that’s such a pretty necklace... you know I’ve tattooed a few of those...” I have to swallow as the perfume is making my mouth water like I’m going to throw up

“That’s so kind... a gift from an old friend... Bucky...” she turns away from me and back toward him “... what an honour to be a flower... person?” 

I let myself get pulled fully back into the echo. I know he hates talking to people, but please Bucky use your words. All your words. I need to take some time so I can... see.

Why am I looking in the mirror? They can’t see me, why don’t I just turn around? Face the bed. His head is behind her, concentrating on the clasp of the necklace. I know his... head, why do I know his head? Come on... move... should I move? No... I can’t tell if I’m just moving in the echo or if I’m moving around the bean like the walking dead. 

It happens in slow motion. He sits up straight after placing a kiss to her shoulder. Oh... no... shit. 

“FUCK OW...” 

I’m back in the bean looking at mine and Bucky’s joined hands, or rather my hand that’s crushing his so tight the skin has gone pale. 

“Sorry...” Steve and Raven are looking at me again “... sorry again... god...” I let out a kind of hysterical laughter hiccup “... I don’t do well... with weddings... I’m gonna... yeah... excuse me... I’ll be right back...” I start making my way back through the crowd. 

“I think when we get married I’m gonna have to fill her with mead and weed... I’d better...” 

“Of course... and hey Buck...” 

“Yeah?” 

“Proud of you... for today I mean... all these people?” 

“Thanks Fuckass” 

I’m back out the front by the time he catches up with me, I’ve grabbed the puppy from some adoring children so I have an excuse to be out there. 

“Sorry...” he stills me, I’d gotten a little way up the street by the time he catches up with me “...sorry... I guess I’m not... covert...” 

“Doesn’t matter... Doll...” he spins me again so I’m looking at him “... doesn’t matter... come on take some breaths with me... you look scared out of your mind right now... in through your nose out through your mouth... atta girl... right... ready to tell me?” 

“Yes... it was...” I lose control of my breathing and have to calm myself again “Eric Lehnsherr” 

“Who?” 

“The guy... Bucky the guy... the metal guy... Magneto” 

“The one who disappeared?” 

“Yes” 

“Well well fuck me well...” he goes silent then punches the air again “... I fucking knew it... I knew there was SOMETHING...” 

“We can’t do anything about it though... I mean not right now... not at Jed’s wedding...” 

“Right... you’re right... but... how are we gonna get through this?” 

“Alcohol?” 

“Alcohol...” 

“SAVANNAH... BUCKY...” we look back to see my Moms head sticking out the door of the bean looking for us “... COME ON... THEY’RE GONNA CUT THE CAKE”

—— 

I’m in a cramped hard space. Everything hurts. I can hear someone vomiting? I’m in my underwear? Just my underwear? I’m in the shower in my underwear?

“Bucky?” 

“Yup...” more vomiting noises 

“Why am I in the shower in my underwear?” 

“Oh... well I took off your dress realised I wanted... no needed to... hang on...” heaving sounds “... vomit... you came with me to look after me... and promptly passed out in there so you know... thanks... and I must’ve... oh god...” more coughing “...passed out on the floor after throwing up?” 

“I need to pee” 

“Pee in there I don’t care...” 

“Bucky!” 

“Doll I swear to god if I move I will actually die... I think my brain is trying to come out my nose... can that happen...” 

“I need to pee... BUCKY...” 

“Ok... ok... just...” 

I hear shuffling and thudding, I’d opened my eyes looking at the ceiling and was still looking at the ceiling to try and stop the spins. I crawl out of the shower and once the room stops spinning I realise Bucky is on his knees hugging the sink, the sink next to the toilet. 

“BUCKY... OUT” 

“I’VE BEEN TO WAR... I’VE SHIT IN A BUCKET IN A TRENCH IN FRONT OF TWENTY PEOPLE, JUST GO PEE...” 

“Oh my God this is bad...” 

“We’re getting married at some point... at some point I am gonna be in the room when you pee, so please just get on with it so I can die in peace...” 

“Turn the faucet on and close your eyes...” 

“FINE...” 

As I get my butt on the seat I get the spins and wobble half falling into him “... sorry...” 

“Uuuuuurrrgh” he dry heaves into the sink “... are you done yet?” 

“NO I’ve got a bladder full of booze... please stop talking it makes me pee shy” 

“SAVANNAH” 

“Alright alright I’m trying Jesus...” I sit with my head in my hands, my elbows rested on my thighs “... what even happened?” 

“I thought you said no talking? And can I open my eyes yet?” 

“No... or if you do look the other way... THE OTHER WAY BUCKY” 

“Dancing... more drink than either of us could handle... I came back here and...” he swallows loudly “... mead... got mead... it would seem if you’re drunk you don’t... echo... ARE YOU DONE PEEING?” 

“Almost...” 

“Is your bladder the size of a bathtub?” 

“MAYBE? I DON’T KNOW” 

I did honestly think I was never going to stop peeing, thankfully I do, clean myself up, yank my panties back up, which are Spanx so not easy, flush the toilet and fall forwards eventually pulling myself up into a sitting position against the wall. 

He’s looking round at me “... oh thank god” He turns the faucet off lets go of the sink and falls sideways landing heavily on his side facing me “... am I dead?” His face is smooshed into the bathroom floor tiles 

“I think we both are... what time is it?” 

“Morning?” 

“Helpful... ALEXA WHAT TIME IS IT?” 

“So loud... so very very loud...” 

“The time is eight thirty one” 

“See... morning...” 

I slump sideways because fuck sitting up right now “Puppy?” 

“Janis...” 

“Oh god... OH GOD BUCKY... RAVEN...” 

“I can’t be an Avenger right now I’m too dead...” 

“I’m in my underwear... and you are... what are you wearing?” He’s in his boxer briefs, socks, for some reason sneakers (no longer box fresh white) and a bow tie “... is that Hopper’s bow tie?” 

“Is that what’s strangling me?” With a lot of effort he reaches up and pulls the bow tie away from his neck “... we have to... save... Captain Fuckass...” 

“Call Sam... make Sam do it...” 

“We’ll...” he tries to get up but fails “... nope... nope... can’t even get to the phone... I’m gonna take a nap?” 

“You wanna take a nap?” 

“I’m gonna take a nap” 

“Right there?” 

“Ssshhhh Savannah... shhhh...” he reaches out his hand and grabs my hand that’s closest to him “... nap... when we wake up we might not be dead... then we’ll save Steve...” 

“I’m only closing my eyes to stop the spin” 

“Mmmmhhhmmm” his eyes are already closed 

“Then we’ll...” my eyes are closing as I let out a yawn “.... then we’ll... save Steve...”


	69. I need a hero

After about an hour Bucky decides that his overwhelming need for food and need for Gatorade trumps his desire to die on the bathroom floor. I’m half dragged half carried and thrown on to the bed. He pulls a random assortment of clothing on and heads out to the convenience store for supplies. He’s back fifteen minutes later putting a huge bottle of blue Gatorade next to my head. 

“Drink it” 

“Can’t move...” 

“Drink... it NOW then you can go back to dying... also I can’t find my cell OR yours” 

I sit up enough to slurp the drink without spilling it all over my deathbed “... they’ll be at the bean, let’s not worry about it... you said no people for a week... and I am not ready to see the photos” I feel the bed move as he sits down and it’s like being on a boat in rough seas “... uuuuggghhhh” 

“Sorry... sorry... go back to sleep... I’m gonna eat... drink... maybe if I watch Donnie Darko hungover I’ll understand it...” the bed shifts again as he drags my laptop on to it “... sorry sorry...” he leans across and kisses my cheek “... oh god you smell like a wine cellar...” 

“You smell like vomit” 

“Yeah... we’ll deal with it later...” 

The bed slows to a stop as he finds a comfortable position and I fall back to sleep. 

I’m woken by so much noise. And he tells me I’m noisy, this is like waking up in a war zone, although it’s probably more my sensitive hungover hearing making it seem like that when he’s actually just getting up to go to the bathroom. 

I try to open my mouth to tell him to shut the fuck up but I can’t move. I can’t move my mouth. I can’t move anything... apart from my eyelids to open them to see Bucky, being held up by his armpits by a guy in head to toe black and judging by the fact he’s not kicking and yelling and that his head is rolling from side to side I’d say he is out cold. 

“Oh... you’re awake... sorry the dosages aren’t an exact science when dealing with... what are you exactly?” Its Raven shes crouched down at my side of the bed, she reaches out and brushes my hair out of my face “... it was such a simple idea to get to Steve... dumb naive sucker for a pretty face Steve Rogers... Bucky I was aware of... but not... you... I’ve spent years... decades blocking people from my mind... but then there was you... last night... I could literally feel you in there... so I’ve had to take... drastic action... don’t worry... I’ll try not to hurt him or Steve... physically I mean... I need them for... collateral... you’ll get him back... maybe not the man he was... or is now... how does it work? Is there a switch to make him go rogue? don’t worry... I’ll work it out...” she clicks her tongue “... it’s a shame really... I don’t think you have any idea of how powerful you are... so busy concentrating on... what? party tricks? ... well... it was nice meeting you Savannah ... and sorry about this really I am” 

All I can do is watch as she stands back up, and walks away, down the stairs and out of sight. 

Oh god. 

Oh god.

Oh god. 

What do I do? Can’t yell for help. 

Can’t yell for Siri or Alexa because I don’t have my cell. And I can’t move my mouth. 

Come on Savannah, you’ve seen so many movies and TV where this has happened how did they get out of it? It happened in Teen Wolf? That’s no good they shifted to Wolf to break the paralysis. Can’t do that. Kill Bill the beginning of Kill Bill she persuades her brain to be able to wiggle one toe and the rest comes back. Try that. Nope. 

So what I just lay here? While she’s taken Bucky far away for whatever nefarious reason she’s got to do that. Oh god I was drunk, my... Bucky is now gone because we chose booze over dealing with... this. We’re fucking idiots. And what has she done with Steve? Oh god. 

How long have I been laid here? 

Someone’s gotta come? Right? RIGHT? 

Mom... where is Mom? She’s gonna come back with the puppy... my puppy... our puppy. Oh god. No she won’t, she’ll be with Rhodey. She’s not flying back to her van until tomorrow, she’ll have known how drunk we were for one and two how overwhelmed both Bucky and I as antisocial people will have been and will more than likely leave us to recover until she HAS to come say goodbye. Jed and Brian won’t notice it’s their first day as a married couple. A married couple with a business that still looks like a wedding venue. That’s more important to them. 

Oh god. 

God isn’t gonna help me now, if they even exist. What about... my bubble? Can I do something with that? Nope. It’s like a deflated balloon. 

Powerful? I’m powerful? Don’t feel powerful right now... 

FUCK.

FUCK. 

FUCK. 

My super hero name would be The Human Disaster. 

Help.

HELP. 

SOMEONE HELP ME. 

Alpine. Where’s Alpine? If she’s hurt my fucking cat I am going to fully end that snotty possibly very old bitch. Are cats telepathic? Alley Cat... go get Jed... nope. I can hear something, scratching? Alley Cat? A meow... oh Alley Cat... maybe you are telepathic? Nope I recognise that meow, she’s gotten trapped in the bathroom, it’s a heavy door, and this isn’t the first time she’s done it, gone in to use her litter box and gotten stuck. Alley Cat... you’re ok baby... I’ll get us out of this. Somehow. 

Did my little finger just... twitch? 

My shoulders are shrugging... they’re up around my ears... 

Come on legs... come on feet.... 

And we’re up... ok... RUN... GO... GO NOW. 

I’m down the stairs. Do I have a plan? 

Get across the street, get cell, call... someone... press four. Yes that’s a good plan, if in trouble press four. 

When I make it on to the street people are staring at me. Why are people staring?

“Help me... please help me... I need to get across the street... over there... my boyfriend... PLEASE HELP ME...” Now they’re passing me by. Staring as they go “WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING ME PLEASE...” 

I start back to making my way across the street, fuck waiting for the crosswalk, fuck getting arrested for jaywalking and fuck the oncoming traffic. 

I’m stopped mid step by an arm holding me back. 

“Alright... alright Little Rogers... I got you... I got you...” 

“Sam?” 

“Yeah and by the look of you in the street in your UNDERWEAR I’m guessing something has happened” 

“She took... she took Bucky” 

“Yeah I think she took Steve too... he didn’t come back to the Tower and after the whole ‘won’t have sex with me’ thing I figured something had happened or maybe he’d just passed out here... I guess not... come on...” he leads me back into the shop already on his phone “... Stark... yeah we got problems... big ones... I’m bringing one of them to you...” his phone goes back in his jacket pocket “... just stay there for a minute Savannah...” 

He’s running up the stairs “... let Alpine out, she’s stuck in the bathroom...” 

“Yup... yup...” he’s back down the stairs with Bucky’s birthday blanket and wrapping it around me “... she was too fast for me to catch... let’s get you to the tower...” 

He puts me in a car, I can’t even tell you what kind of car, it’s just a car. That’s gonna take me to the tower. 

“Bucky...” 

“Alright Little Rogers... gonna be... alright... I tried calling... your cell, Bucky’s cell... Steve’s... all just rung out... tracking said yours and Barnes were around the shop but Steve’s was... halfway up the street, and believe me not the first time he’d have lost it... cell phones... they didn’t have them back... then so he has a tendency to just... not care about it... figured I’d come check it out... good job I did... now listen to me... I need for you to not go into shock right now you hear me? Do not shut down... you need to put your brain in order to tell Tony what’s happened... and I think you’re gonna have to tell him about... you” 

“The echoes? You know?” 

“Of course I do... those two dumb fucks can’t keep a secret to save their lives... which may or may not be why we’re in this... situation right now...” 

We get to the tower, get to a level I’ve never been on before. The defence level, where in a conference room Tony Stark is waiting behind a half smashed table. He’s got billions of dollars why wouldn’t he replace it? Oh... oh... it’s the table Bucky... when I... of course. 

“Little Rogers dressed for the occasion as always I see... so...” he claps his hands together “... start at the beginning... please” 

I’d managed to get my brain into some semblance of coherent order in the car. The order of finding out about... me... that everyone was concerned about Raven’s interest in Steve... which Tony already knew but I wanted to emphasise my point... then about what I’d seen in the echo of her necklace... about Magneto... Eric Lehnsherr... 

“... and we didn’t do anything about it because it was a wedding” 

“So you got drunk? Good Lord.... reserve avengers? More like dumbass avengers... come on then... let’s go... FRIDAY tell Romanoff we need her on the flight deck ASAP and...” 

The door flies open revealing a very angry looking... Mom with Rhodey behind her. 

“SHE’S IN HER UNDERWEAR... IN HER UNDERWEAR AND YOUR FIRST THOUGHT WASN’T TO GET HER DRESSED?” 

“Scary teacher... and I was getting to that point... we’re gonna take a trip to see a man about a dog... or rather Wolf? Savannah... I took the liberty of arranging... clothing for you in case of this kind of... event... follow me... Janis... I’ll bring her right back and Wilson gear up and I’ll meet you and Romanoff on the flight deck...” I think I’m too stunned to move “... Rogers... come it’s go time... what you need me to...” he comes over to me and touches his right hand in a chopping motion to each of my shoulders “... congrats you’re an Avenger now... LET’S GO...” I follow him out of the room, past my Mom who’s been consoled by Rhodey. We go through a door at the end of a long windowless corridor, there’s nothing there, it’s an empty round light blue brightly lit room “FRIDAY suit up Rogers, Savannah...” 

A panel in the floor opens and up rises a Perspex case with an outfit inside it. Like Batman’s suit. Only for me, I know it’s mine. It’s grey with teal trimmings the same colour as my hair. It’s a catsuit, not dissimilar to Agent Romanoff’s from what I can remember anyway. 

“Shoes...” I’m barefoot, maybe I should’ve been more concerned about that as opposed to clothing. I ran into dirty a Brooklyn street, I ran through Bucky’s dirty shop barefoot. Oh god... Bucky. 

“Not done yet...” Another smaller Perspex case comes up next to it, containing a pair of Nike flex running shoes in matching colours to the suit, they’re on top of a black box “... clean underwear and such in the box... so...” he clasps my shoulder “... suit UP Rogers... meet us on the flight deck... I’ll take Janis up there so you can see her before we go... and try not to worry... they’re stupid sometimes but they’re super soldiers who went to war...” 

He leaves me alone to change. I need... a mirror? A sink? Something “FRIDAY?” 

“Miss Rogers?” 

“Is there a bathroom in here?” 

A panel in the wall clicks open revealing a small modern bathroom. I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror right now but I’m going to have to. I look... hungover. It’s fine... I’ve seen myself look a lot worse. I’ve seen myself look a lot worse in mirrors in this building. I splash water on my face, I use the soap and hand towel to remove the remainder of yesterday’s make up. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. 

The suit comes out of the box, it’s not going to fit? It’s like a wetsuit? I can’t get this on. It took me ten minutes to wedge myself in this underwear yesterday, with no help from Bucky as he kept trying to take it off. That’s enough motivation I need to try and get the dam thing on. At least the clean underwear is comfortable. Oh and there’s socks, thank the Lord there’s socks, and a hairband? That’s one problem solved. We better not go to space, I am too hungover to fly never mind go into orbit. 

The suit goes on as if it’s made from satin, I thought I was going to have to stand and wiggle and jump to pull it up but it goes straight on slipping over my body, incredibly lightweight yet pulling me in and up in all the right places. I’m thinking on Tony using this to put Spanx out of business as I pull the zip up to my chin. Feet in sneakers, hair up and secure. Ok. This is... ok? 

I get to the flight deck totally propelled by my need to find Bucky. 

There’s a quin jet with the ramp open as the elevator doors open. Tony’s talking to Rhodey. I assume Romanoff and Sam are already on board. Moms pacing back and forth but stops when she sees me and makes her way over to where I’ve managed to take that step out of the elevator, just like the time I stepped out to Bucky at Pepper’s party. 

“Mom I can’t... I can’t do... this... I don’t even know what this is I’m not an Avenger... and there’s so much I need to tell you about... him... Dad I mean... and me and this... thing I can...” 

“Ssshhhh baby it’s ok...” she takes my flailing hands in hers stilling them “... you are an Avenger... you’ve ALWAYS been an Avenger... always fought for what you believed in, what you thought was right, for your friends, and now for Bucky... if that doesn’t make you a super hero I don’t know what does... go get him... bring him home... and as for your... gift... I’ve always known you were special... you just didn’t need it... you do now... so... I’ll be here with the puppy and I’ll go check on Alley Cat and Jed and Brian and everything else... you go...” she pulls me into a hug “... get the other hungover idiot and for the love of god if he proposes to you in some dramatic fashion please say yes...” 

“I will...” 

She releases me and steps back, dusts something of the shoulder of my suit “... look at you...” 

“Mom...” 

“Rogers... wheels up come on let’s go...” Tony’s waving me on to the jet 

“Go... I’ll be here...” 

I let my feet guide me up and on to the jet, Tony’s in the pilot seat Sam sitting next to him. Romanoff is waiting for me at the top of the ramp, the ramp that closes once I’m on board. 

“Hey... long time no see huh? It’s going to be ok Savannah... this...” she holds up a small black ear piece “... is coms, you’ll need it to be able to hear and speak to us when there’s other... noises...” I take it from her and slip it into my left ear, it’s the one with the least piercings just in case that’s a factor “... now... take a seat and strap in” 

I do as she asks. I hear Tony confirm take off I’m trying hard to not have a flying panic attack. I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m TRYING. For Bucky, Bucky was taken. That fucking bitch took my... Bucky. The jet lifts off. This is fine. This is fine. For Bucky. 

“Savannah?” I know she’s speaking to me but I feel super hot, and not because my butt actually looks good in this suit “... gentlemen I think we may have a situation here... Savannah... come on I know you can hear me” 

“Oh shit... that’s not... that’s not good... Tony” 

Why are they all looking at me? Why aren’t they concentrating on FLYING THE FUCKING JET. I check to see if my hands are shaking and when I look down at them they’re... glowing? Much in the way it was described to me after New Years Eve. 

“FRIDAY? initiate emergency protocol code green...” 

“No...” I don’t know what that is but I gotta get to Bucky can’t have anything stopping that “... I’m ok...” I get my breathing under control, and lower the anxiety which in turn stops the glow. Did I have the Asgard wine last night as well? Maybe it’s the mead? “I’m ok... sorry... I’m not a good flier... talk to me... distract me...” 

“You need a code name... for your coms...” Tony’s swivelled round to face the cockpit again “... because two Rogers in the field? Gonna get confusing... Kirby Dots was your... civilian code name... you’re not that anymore” 

“What are you?” 

“Eagle one obviously... Natasha is code name ‘too scared to go there’ ... Wilson is ‘if I had a bird fetish’...” 

Natasha rolls her eyes “He’s kidding... usually it’s surnames but like he said two Rogers?” 

Sam shrugs “They refer to her... gift as an echo...” 

“Echo it is then...” 

“Where ARE we going?” 

“We are going to see the man in the chair... Raven’s boss... seems like the logical place to start so you’re lucky, this is a very short flight... Steve could make it in sixty minutes driving like a Grandpa we can do it in ten... you think you can hold off your... whatever that was until we actually need it... whatever it is...” 

“Yup...” I slap my palms on to my knees and try and wipe the sweat off them “... Yup... I can do that” 

I take stock of the inside of the jet, all the information on the screen, I can see a screen scanning through thousands of images searching for a facial recognition hit on Steve and Bucky. Their pictures are at the corners of the screen. Oh Bucky. 

I start to feel nauseous so I look out of the cockpit and on to the horizon, the city becomes suburbia then suburbia becomes green fields. Westchester county according to another screen. 

Soon enough we’re landing on a lawn, the very vast more like a field lawn of a huge old brick house. It looks like an English stately home, like the setting for a Jane Austen novel. I expect Mr Darcy to greet us. 

Sam and Natasha stay aboard the jet to monitor the screens. Leaving me and Tony stood at the top of the exit ramp looking down sadly not at Mr Darcy but a guy who looks like a history teacher? 

“Mr Stark... I’m Hank McCoy...” he shakes Tony’s hand then turns to me “... sorry I don’t know...” 

“Savannah Rogers...” I shake his hand “... your teacher stole my... Bucky” 

His eyebrows raise and he puts his hands in his pockets “I’m sorry... who did what?” 

“We’re here to see the professor...” 

“He’s very busy...” 

“So are we...” 

What is it with men? Why don’t they use their words? Why do they square off against each other with the... glaring?

“I suppose you better follow me” he turns on his heels and leads us towards the house and in through the grand front doors. 

“I thought this was a school?” 

“It is Mr Stark yes” 

“Then where are all the... students?” the corridors we’re walking are totally devoid of student activity 

“Class is in session... you must understand that your jet landing on the lawn is the least interesting thing they’ve seen today... given the nature of our students...” 

“Mutations” 

“TONY” 

“We prefer the term abilities” 

We go towards the back of the building, he stops in front of a door and knocks before opening it. 

“Come in Hank...” we file into the room, it’s an office, huge heavy wooden desk, a small library sized amount of literature on the shelves behind it. A bald headed man, probably in his late sixties comes round from the desk in a futuristic looking wheelchair “... ahhh good afternoon Mr Stark it’s a pleasure to meet you at last though I take from the nature of your visit it’s not under pleasant circumstances?” 

“Your teacher stole my Bucky...” 

“I’m sorry... I don’t understand... and I don’t know who you are... I’m Professor Charles Xavier” 

“This is Savannah Rogers your teacher took her... like she says... Bucky as well as my Steve...” 

“Is Bucky a... person?” Hank is leant against the desk 

“James Buchanan Barnes...” Tony looks between the professor and Hank “...otherwise known as The Winter Soldier” 

It’s the Professor who speaks, Hank can’t seem to process “I thought the Winter Soldier was a ghost story government agencies told to recruits to scare them? I mean he’d be... almost a hundred now?” 

“Captured... frozen... enslaved used as a weapon and so on now... free and... rehabilitated? Yes that’s a good way to describe it and living a semi normal life in Brooklyn with Savannah here” 

“I see and you think one of our teachers...” 

“You know what this is taking too long, you can read minds right? Look... I give you permission or whatever, if you look inside my mind you’ll see” 

“Very well...” I don’t feel him enter my mind but then it might be because I’m too busy pushing every intimate moment I’ve had and all the countless times Bucky and I have fucked behind a huge metaphorical door so he doesn’t see them “...oh Raven...” he rubs a hand over his chin 

“I’m gonna need an answer as to why you employed a... Raven here?” 

“Probably Mr Stark for the same reason you allowed her into your premises... there was nothing in her mind that was untoward, just as you’ll have seen nothing untoward in her digital presence... she fooled us both... in fact I don’t believe her name is Raven at all... it’s very possible she’s a mutant named Mystique, she can change her appearance at will to appear like anybody... a close ally of Eric...” 

“And what would... she want with... Bucky... or Steve?” 

“That I don’t know... I can tell you though that Captain Rogers was brought here to speak to the pupils at her request... she believed it would be beneficial for them to meet a person such as himself... perhaps with the look to recruit some of our older students into a kind of college program... she clearly she wanted an in... to what I don’t know... your building maybe?” 

“I need better than a maybe... where would she go?” 

Hank shrugs “She would go to Eric” 

“Who hasn’t been seen in over thirty years...” 

“You... can’t you... find him?” I point to my temple to emphasise my point 

“No... Eric learnt to block me a long time ago... we were friends... sadly our ideologies did not match ending our... association, he believed mutants should be the superior race on earth, I believed and still do that we should live in harmony together... he wanted to start his own country... a country just for mutants... perhaps that’s where he went... if I had to put a pin in a map I’d say Eastern Europe...” 

“Because it would be easier to build a new country out of the ruins of an old one? Son of a bitch... Rogers let’s roll...” Tony’s leaving the office in a hurry 

“I should... sorry...” 

“You have nothing to apologise for?” The Professor is offering me a sad smile 

“Right... right” I start toward the door but stop and turn around “... what’s wrong with me?” 

“Nothing? Oh... you are Asgardian?” 

“Half... my Dad” 

“Of course, it’s not a mutation it’s a... gift... which has manifested... there’s nothing wrong with you” 

“She... Raven... whatever her name is said I didn’t know how powerful I really was” 

“No I don’t think you do... usually I’d invite you to spend some time here, help you realise but with time being of the essence... the ‘bubble’ you use to block your echoes, in the most simplest terms... try pushing it outwards... but only do so if you’re in danger...” 

“ROGERS... NOW...” 

“Yup... yup... thank you...” 

I turn and run out the office.


	70. Highway to the danger zone

Oh god Savannah what are you doing that’s SO LOUD.

WHY MUST YOU BE SO LOUD. 

I’m still hungover and she’s what? Using a blow dryer? 

“Savannah... please... baby... stop... my head...” 

No answer. She probably can’t hear me. Ugh. Gonna have to physically move. Come on Buck you can do this. Why is this bed hard? Did I get up go back to the bathroom and pass out on the floor again? Right open your eyes man, get ready for the spins. Here they come... 

This is not my bathroom. Unless she’s done some serious remodelling. Maybe that’s what the noise is? Nope... this is... something else... green, military green, military green metal. Military green metal tube? With... crates? The ground feels as if it gives way beneath me and that’s when I know... plane... I’m on a plane. 

Is this the mead? Am I... hallucinating? Nope it feels too solid... is this some kind of HYDRA flashback? Am I stuck in a dream? Nope, it’s not got that blurry feel to the edges. Wait Regan told me if you look at your hands and they have too many fingers you’re definitely dreaming. 

Lift left hand to face. 

Where is my hand? 

WHERE IS MY HAND?

Thinking on it where is my whole ass left arm right now? 

SHIT. 

Check right hand. 

FUCK. 

Correct number of fingers. 

Meaning I am very very awake right now. Very awake laid on my back in a plane. A plane that is very much in the sky. Right, right... you are a soldier. Think like a soldier. Act like a soldier.

SIT UP SOLDIER. 

Not gonna be easy with one arm. 

I can do this. 

Up I go. 

SHIT. 

THIS IS NOT GOOD. 

FUCK. 

Savannah... no no no no NO NO NO... if I’m here... WHERE IS SAVANNAH. 

Is she here? IS SHE SAFE. 

There’s a body on the other side of the plane, behind the crates. 

A body I know. 

A body I know that’s not moving. 

SHIT. 

FUCK. 

I WANNA GO HOME. 

Right... soldier there is a man down... move it... check on your squad member. Do not leave a man down. No man left behind. 

I crawl, occasionally losing balance over to the body, between the crates. Stealth is what’s needed here. Stealth I’m not capable of with suddenly only having ONE ARM. Especially as the mechanics for my missing arm are still whirring in my brain trying to move something that’s not there. It’s not been ripped off. From what I can tell anyway. Disconnected and removed. 

“Steve...” I sit on my knees and shove him with my right hand “... Steve...” he’s still in his suit from the wedding “... come on Fuckass because we are in a literal plane load of trouble right now and I can’t do this alone with one arm...” I check his pulse, he’s alive, so I shove him... again “...wake up dumbass...” 

He shoots up from the floor sitting bolt up right, chest heaving “WHAT THE FUCK?” he looks round at me “... Bucky? You’ve only got one arm...” he’s looking at his hands “...I’m not dreaming am I?” 

“Nope... so... any idea?” 

“Ideas of what?” He’s looking me up and down 

“How we got on a fucking plane Steve... a plane that’s very much in the sky when the last thing I remember clearly was laying in bed next to a hungover sleeping Savannah... I’d very much like to get back to laying in that bed so...” 

“What the fuck are you wearing?” 

“Why is that important right now?” 

“Because you’re wearing... Savannah’s basketball vest, leggings and UGG boots” 

“I got dressed, to go to the store... kept the boots on because it’s cold in the shop... as you know it’s messy and I was... I still am very VERY hungover right now and the vest was the first thing I found without moving so much I hurled... and they’re not leggings they’re thermals because cold in the shop” 

“Are they your UGG boots?” 

“No... they’re Savannah’s... she got them a size too big for some... Savannah shaped reason... and don’t knock them till you’ve tried them, I’m telling you, we should’ve had these in the war we’d have been so warm... so very warm... fuck it’s cold in here... maybe you could steal your girlfriends UGG boots” 

“SHIT... my... shit... Raven... we... left the wedding... before you and Savannah... she asked me if I’d like to spend the night together... we went to a hotel because she didn’t want to go back to the tower... I remember going up to the room... her coming out of the bathroom undressed and handing me a... glass... of water maybe? I’d drunk A LOT at the wedding... you brought mead and... that’s it... that’s all I remember” 

“So essentially we are in this mess because you THINK WITH YOUR DICK... great Steve... fan fucking tastic... if she has hurt Savannah... if she’s even looked so much as sideways at her I will remove her head from her neck SLOWLY...” 

“Buck...” 

“We all knew... you know that right? ALL OF US knew there was something wrong with Raven but you’re a grown up... you’re SUPPOSED to be Captain America... you should be capable of finding things out on your own... last night Savannah saw...” 

“I knew there was something... she stopped half way up the aisle and yelled bubble then at the reception... but I figured whatever it was couldn’t be that bad because you were getting drunk... OH GOD you were getting drunk BECAUSE IT WAS THAT BAD...” 

“Raven’s necklace... pulled Savannah into an echo, from the nineteen sixties... where she saw a man called Eric Lehnsherr put the necklace around Raven’s neck... INTIMATELY... do you know who that is?” 

“No... should I?”

“He’s a mutant Steve... apparently the biggest baddest one of them all... with the ability to control metal...” 

“And instead of telling me this LAST NIGHT you got drunk off your ass...” 

“We didn’t want to ruin Jed’s wedding” 

“It was a great wedding...” He shuffles so he’s sat with his back against the ‘wall’ I do the same sitting on his left “... you could’ve told me this morning?” 

“You were already drugged and god knows where by this morning” 

“But you could’ve raised the alarm?” 

“Steve I woke up at eight am on my bathroom floor... Savannah was passed out in the shower... I realised I couldn’t find either of our cells but it didn’t seem hugely important to bother Jed and Brian to get them back from where we’d probably left them at the bean... plus we didn’t think she was capable of... whatever this is... what is this?” 

“I have no idea Buck... no idea but... I’m sorry... truly I am” 

“I’m sorry we didn’t tell you last night... Stevie...” 

“Yeah Buck?” 

“Savannah” 

“I know Buck... but she’s smart... she’s so smart... she’ll work it out... even if she is hungover” 

“I think she might still be drunk” 

“We need a plan” 

“Don’t look at me...” 

“You were...” 

“I did as I was told and I’m not making out with you” 

“Would it help?” 

“Didn’t work last night” 

“Did we...make out?” 

“No... I don’t think so... I made out with my girlfriend to see if it helped... it didn’t... FUCK... FUCK STEVIE... SAVANNAH...” 

“Ok... ok let’s... before we come up with a plan because it’s been a while since I jumped out of a plane and don’t wanna start again so... we’re not going anywhere... let’s work out for your peace of mind what Savannah would have done... she was in bed... asleep when you were... taken? I guess... and she’s not on this plane so let’s assume she was left in bed in Brooklyn... realised you’ve gone which... would not want to be on the receiving end of that rage... what would she do?” 

“She was in her underwear... and I can’t see her stopping to get dressed... she’d... run? Maybe to the bean? Jed knows about me... some of it... but I don’t think she’d drag them into... whatever this is... she’d get her cell and call Stark... four... she’d press four...” 

“Yeah she would so... let’s just keep assuming that’s what happened until we know otherwise” 

“Steve if she’s...” 

“Hey... hey... no... she’s probably running across New York right now in her underwear, still drunk carrying your arm slapping Tony around the head with it... shouting I’ll show you how we do it in Brooklyn now BITCH... because if she’s anything she’s fucking fearless in fighting for what she loves, which is you... so... plan?” 

“I can’t jump out of a plane I’ve only got one arm, don’t wanna lose another” 

“That was a train” 

“Train... plane... tomato tom-a-toe... so we wait till we land? Then... run?” 

“I’m so hungover” 

“Yup... me too... a plane is never the final destination?” 

“Isn’t that a movie ABOUT a plane?” 

“It is? Well... exactly... maybe when we get wherever we’re going we’ll be less hungover... why aren’t we burning it off? We’re... enhanced... right now the main purpose of which seems to be to have an enhanced hangover” 

“I mean really it’s just rude of the bad guys to do this when we’re so hungover” 

“Because if we weren’t we’d have a plan” 

“And you’d still have both arms” 

There’s a pair of feet in front of us, blue feet? Blue scaly feet? Am I a hundred percent sure this isn’t a dream? I look at my hand, still the right number of fingers. Shit. 

“Gentlemen... sorry about the... dramatics...” 

I look to Steve, he’s looking up at whoever or whatever is in front of us, his face is... what is that look? Horror? Shock? Confusion? And why do I know that voice? 

I’m gonna look up as well. Nope... nope naked... naked blue woman... naked scaly blue woman with short red hair and yellow eyes... wait... she’s got no... she’s like a Barbie doll... no... intimate parts? 

“Raven?” 

“Steve... oh Steve... you’re so handsome... you’re also SO stupid... Raven is one of the names I’ve used, over the years... my real name is Mystique...” 

“I don’t care what you’re called what did you do to Savannah?” 

“I’m right here Buck...” she... changes... from the feet upwards, she transforms and Savannah is standing over me even her voice changes “...see?” 

“No...” 

“Yeah you’re right maybe you’d prefer...” she changes in to Nat... then Sam... then even Steve before she changes back to blue “... Savannah will be fine... a little paralytic agent it’ll wear off... by the time it does though... we’ll be quite far away...” 

“Where’s my arm?” 

“That’s your concern? I’m not stupid, your arm has a tracker... and it really was a lot easier to remove than I first anticipated... shame though... it’ll help when you go... what do you call it? The Winter Soldier?” 

“I thought you weren’t stupid? I don’t work like that anymore” 

“Yeah we’ll see about that when we get there...” 

“So what I was just a... a what...” oh good Steve’s come out of his shock “... you used me?” 

“You’re fine but you’re simple... a sucker for a pretty face... I needed an in, to Stark’s building you were it... sadly for both of you I couldn’t get what I want in time so I... ‘borrowed’ the two of you to use as leverage to get what I truly wanted... we can discuss it when we meet our landing party” 

“Landing where?” 

“Well you won’t be in Kansas anymore Dorothy... Dorothies?” 

“What did you want from the tower?” She crouches down so she’s eye level with Steve and kisses him. 

“You’ll see...” she’s stood back up and turned away from us “... we’ll be landing soon so please return to your seats and return your trays to their upright positions... oh wait you don’t have them... oh well... just hold on I guess, it can get a little bumpy...” 

“The... school?” 

“All will make sense when we land Steve... I mean you’ve really got Bucky... well, Savannah to blame for... this... had she not been... what is she exactly? If it hadn’t been for her... ability, I’d have had more time to get what I needed... but like I said... here we are so... I’ll try and make the landing as smooth as possible seeing as you’re both without seatbelts...” she laughs and it’s this horrible cackle “... thinking on it... you don’t even have seats...”

“Well this is just great Steve... we’re in this mess because you think with your dick” 

“No we’re in this mess because YOU told me not to think with my dick... find one person you said, so I did... if I had been thinking with my dick we’d be hungover in our respective beds right now... and she’d be...not flying us to god knows where... where are we going Buck?”

“Do you think she can turn me...back into him?”

“I don’t know... the words?” 

“No they don’t work anymore Zemo tried they didn’t work... and I’m sure Shuri removed whatever happened in Siberia but... if it happens Steve... just put me down ok? Take my body back to Brooklyn, Savannah has my will... she’ll... she’ll know what to do... and you take care of her Fuckass you guard that woman with your fucking life you hear me? You keep her in a locked box if you have to and make sure she never wants for anything... and if you... think with your dick near her I will return from the grave and chop your dick off with a rusty dull knife”

“Bucky no... come on... I’m not doing ANY of that... any of it... because we’re gonna get home...” 

“If we do I am personally vetting every... person you decide to think with your dick with” 

“Deal... where are we?” 

“I don’t know...” 

“We’re soldiers let’s think like soldiers, how long have we been in the air?” 

“It could be one hour it could be eight I don’t know how long we were out for... it was... shit... I woke up at eight... which means she grabbed me any time after ten I guess... she’d have had to get us to an airfield... disused... I doubt she’d have dragged us through JFK... and judging by the plane... I mean... what about the airfield where Zemo took Savannah? It’s clearly a hot spot for... the bad guys of the upper tristate area... it was ninety minutes outside the city? So that puts us at early to mid afternoon... I can’t see the window can you?” 

“Window?” 

“In the door Steve... the door...” 

“Right... it’s... dark?” 

“That means we’ve gone east not west, if we’d gone west it would still be daylight so... Europe?”

“Oh good... maybe we can revisit old stomping grounds...”

Steve slides into me. The plane is descending “...I don’t have the best track record in Europe...” 

“Me either pal... just... hang on ok...” 

“To what Steve I’ve only got one arm” 

We manage to not slide any further, clinging to crates that are secured to the floor. At least something is. We land with a thud. And bounce. Then bounce again. Before... silence. The engines cut and I can’t hear anything outside. And there’s no sign of... the blue lady. 

The exit ramp lowers from the back of the plane and once again with the sensitive hungover ears, so loud, so very very loud. It’s hits the floor and there’s... nothing? I look back to Steve to make sure he’s not seeing something I’m not but he looks as confused as me. 

There’s nothing outside, that I can see anyway. It’s dark, no floodlights, runway lights, nothing. 

“Well that was...” Steve looks at me “...anticlimactic?” 

“I think you spoke too soon Fuckass” 

He turns back to the ramp and we watch as a man, a perfectly ordinary middle aged man with greying hair at his temples dressed in jeans, work boots and a plaid shirt walks up and into the plane. While we’d been watching him Raven had left the cockpit and was now in front of us again. 

“Mystique... back so soon, and with guests... delightful... gentlemen welcome... my name is Eric Lehnsherr... now before you get any ideas of the heroic variety let me tell you a little bit about your current location... you have just landed in Genosha... a little country of my own design meaning just outside that door there are people with abilities far more powerful than your own and if you want to return home to your... own people I wouldn’t do anything silly as they’d stop you and I wouldn’t stop them... the laws here are... different to the ones you’re probably used to so... like I said, Welcome and please behave... oh you’ve only got one arm... sorry I don’t know who you are” 

“You’re worst nightmare...” 

“See about that... I already lived that, a one armed man in a frankly ludicrous outfit is of no threat to me... but Captain Rogers... perfect... you are just who we need” 

“I have nothing you ‘need’ until a few hours ago I didn’t even know you existed” 

“This is Sargent James Barnes...” Eric looks at her and shrugs “...the Winter Soldier”

He crouches down to my level “... is it really? I thought you were a ghost story... I am a huge HUGE fan...” 

“Can’t say the same... besides I don’t work like that anymore... sorry to disappoint” 

“Where there’s a will there’s a way... so if you’d like to follow me... I’m sure we won’t have to wait for the rest of our party... oh do you need a hand?” He laughs at his own joke “... sorry... sorry... bad joke” 

“Fuck you man” 

It’s Steve that helps me up off the floor, we walk side by side down the ramp and into the night. Eric in front leading the way, Raven behind us. We’re headed towards a military open top Jeep. It’s like Savannah’s. I check my fingers one last time, just to make sure, still hoping there’s a chance this a dream and she’s laid in bed next to me probably trying to wake me up as I yell. Trying to wrap her arms around my body as it shudders in sleep. Four fingers, one thumb. SHIT. 

I take stock of our surroundings as we make our way to the Jeep and this is not a runway, this is a flat stretch of concrete carved out amongst piles of... rubble? ruins of some kind. 

“Buck?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I know where we are...” 

“Is that a... good thing?” 

“If I know where we are then I’ve no doubt... other people will too...” 

“That’s exactly what I’m hoping for Captain Rogers...”


	71. If you steal my sunshine

“Anytime you want to rejoin us we got a hit on Barnes... but you’re not gonna like it” 

At the sound of Natasha’s voice I go from a brisk walking pace to a full on jog back on to the jet.

“Why am I...” I bend over hands on my knees trying to catch my breath “... ooo sorry I am not fit... why am I not going to like it?” 

“Strap in, wheels up...” I take my seat, this time next to Tony with Natasha and Sam in the front seats, the door closes and we lift off again, my stomach stays slightly more settled this time “... what took you so long?” 

“Men” 

“I understand... now you see what I’ve been dealing with” 

“Why can’t they just use their words?” 

“Yes thank you ladies... Romanoff where are we going? Because I have a feeling it’s not where I want to go...” 

“New Jersey” 

“Yeah that’s what I thought...” 

Less than ten minutes later we’re touching down in a semi abandoned parking lot outside Jersey City. There’s a single police squad car waiting for us. 

“Well Little Rogers this is all on you... he’s your... person...” Tony’s all but unbuckling my my harness to get me up 

“I can’t talk to the cops” 

“Yes you can... we’ll be here readying for the final destination” 

“Ugh so long as it’s not like the movie... FINE...” I unbuckle and make my way down the ramp on shaky legs as I’ve not been told why I wouldn’t like it. 

Two typical beat cops meet me halfway across the parking lot. Do I have to talk to them? I’m not an avenger? I just landed in a jet... I can fake it? I can fake it. To get back the person I never have to fake it with? I can do that. 

“We called it in...” says cop one “... we’re out here as there’s a known group that use this lot for narcotics deals... saw... that...” he sticks his thumb in the direction of a trash can “... I guess my boss called your boss or... whatever...” 

“I’ll take it from here...” 

“If you’re sure...” says cop two 

“... this isn’t a... police matter...” I can hear laughter in my left ear from the coms 

“Whatever... let’s go” shrugs cop one and they head back to their car and speed off 

I don’t have enhanced vision, so I can’t see what’s in the trash can that they were talking about, not until it’s too late. Not until I realise what it is. At which point the hangover kicks back in and I vomit about a litre of blue Gatorade on to the asphalt. 

“Can... someone... help me please I... I can’t...” 

It’s Sam that answers “... I’m on my way... if you can’t go any further... don’t... a little warning would have been nice Romanoff...” 

“... sorry Savannah...” 

I look at the trash can and heave again, although there’s nothing in my stomach to bring up anymore. It’s already on the floor at my feet. At least I missed my new sneakers. 

“It’s ok... it’s ok...” Sam’s caught up with me puts a reassuring arm around my shoulder momentarily, quickly squeezes me and then carries on towards the trash can “... it’s just his arm...” 

“Not the... rest of him?” 

“Nope see...” Sam pulls the arm from the trash and holds it up for me to see “... and it’s not damaged or bloodied... just disconnected” 

I lean over and heave again “Oh great... that’s great... so now he’s missing AND one armed? Perfect” 

“How about you dial down the sarcasm and we’ll go get the rest of him?” 

I stand up turning back towards the jet at Tony’s words in my ear “Yup... yup... I’m on my way” 

I get back before Sam and thankfully he stashes Bucky’s arm in a cubby out of my sight. Just thinking about it makes me want to heave. And makes heart break just a little bit more. Tony and Natasha have switched so she’ll be sitting next to me, wherever we’re going. Sam’s next to Tony up front. 

“Here...” Tony’s swivelled round and is handing me a blue liquid capsule “... take it” 

“You’re supposed to make me choose... offer me a red pill too... so I can wake up in my own bed” 

“Just take the dam capsule Rogers” I take it in my hand “... there’s water under your seat” 

He’s turned back around and is pushing buttons in the cockpit “... am I allowed to ask what it is?” 

“You think me... Tony Stark HUGE fan of overindulging in the finer things in life wouldn’t create a cure for the hangover?” 

“You couldn’t have given me this earlier?” I reach under my seat and find a drawer with bottles of water in it, I take the dam capsule, it does not go down easy 

“Up until losing the contents of your stomach over a New Jersey parking lot you’d been handling it pretty well all things considered” 

“It’s a good job I trust you... it’s not gonna make me sleepy is it?” 

“No... it’s not that complex really... a rehydration agent, caffeine, something similar to pepto and a pain reliever for your probably massive headache... all combined with a little bit of Science Bros ™️ magic... plus I don’t want you vomiting in here... it’s hard to clean... FRIDAY wheels up...” 

“Where are we going?” 

“Sokovia” 

“Am I supposed to know what that is?” 

“It’s a country...” starts Natasha 

“WAS a country... we kind of... dismantled it... slightly...” 

“And you think they’re there?” 

“If this... Eric guy wanted to build a country... for mutants where they’re the superior race... it would be easier for him to build a new one from the ruins of an old one...” 

“Smart...” 

“Well I AM a genius... he’s probably just... crazy”

“There’s a fine line Tony...” 

“Of which I’m aware Wilson... of which I’m aware” 

“But he’s been gone over thirty years?”

“Which to me feels like he’s been hiding out, biding his time, gathering... citizens... after we left Sokovia it would be the perfect opportunity to move in... and now he needs Steve for what I don’t know... but kind of in turn it means he needs me too, which would mean he knows about Sokovia... and Professor wheels said Eastern Europe” 

“I hope you’re right” 

“If it helps I’m hardly ever wrong”

Natasha scoffs.

The hangover cure kicks in. It’s both bad and good. Good because my body no longer feels as if it’s been put through a spin cycle then hung out to dry. Bad because the remainder of the booze was somewhat numbing the pain of loss. The loss of Bucky. If he felt half of what I feel now when I was snatched after the party then no wonder he broke the table. It’s like a rapid spinning cycle of bad emotions. Anger, terror, dread, but eventually it stops landing on overwhelming sadness. The tears that I’d been keeping in, that I’d pulled back when I said goodbye to my Mom spill from my eyes and run down my cheeks, I don’t want to lift my hand to wipe them away because then my flight mates will know I’m crying, and Avengers don’t cry? Do they? 

“Savannah...” Nat’s leant across toward me 

“Sorry... sorry...” I give in and wipe my tears away, realising the sleeve I wipe them off with dries instantly. Come to think of it, I’ve felt neither too hot or too cold since I put this suit on “... Avengers don’t cry” 

“Who told you that? It’s not a rule... and don’t think for one second it’s making you look like a weak female... we’ve ALL cried on missions... ALL OF US... it’s a high pressure situation, and when it’s this... part... and your mind is... not totally focused on the task at hand your emotions will overwhelm you... even though I had decades of training for them not to? They still do... plus for you this is deeper... it’s Bucky... we’ll get him back and... what do you call him?” 

I sniffle “Captain Fuckass” 

Tony let’s put a loud laugh “FRIDAY change code name Rogers, Steve to Captain Fuckass” 

“Sure thing boss” 

“Listen Savannah when you’re in the field when we land, you will regain focus... just don’t lose it... try and block distractions... keep to your MO... locate Barnes and reattach his arm” 

“What is this? How to be an Avenger one o one?” 

“I told Bucky time and time again that it would be worth giving you some basic training just in case... but he wouldn’t listen... told me that you wouldn’t need it in the normal world and that he’d always be there to protect you” 

The tears start again “Sorry... I’m mad at myself really... I am so independent and have been for years... I don’t need anyone to protect me... only now he’s gone I...” 

“It’s going to be fine... we’ll get him back so consider this a crash course” 

“So long as it’s not the jet crashing” 

“Nope... come on we can move around now we’re up...” she unbuckles herself and stands up heading towards the back “... come on...” I unbuckle and head to the back “... I don’t know how your gift works or even if it will be useful where we’re going so you need to be armed... did he ever show you how to... even hold a gun?” 

“No... I can’t... I can’t be armed Nat... I can’t... plus we’re headed to a county of mutants will... regular weapons even work?” 

She opens a locker and pulls out a rack of weapons “... we don’t know... but this...” she lifts out a small handgun shaped weapon, only its white, and doesn’t seem to be made of metal “... is a stun gun... it fires electronic charges... only without the wires of traditional stun guns... plus when you fire it you won’t get the kickback that happens with bullet firing weapons which if you’re not used to it can knock you off your feet pretty easily... so... you just aim... doesn’t have to be perfectly precise and squeeze the trigger... to reload you hit the button on the side here see?” I nod as she point to the small indentation “... it’s got twenty rounds per ‘clip’... so try and keep count so you don’t shoot a blank...” 

“How do I know which are the bad guys?” 

“Usually if they’re shooting at you... they’re the bad guys” 

“Mutants Sam...” 

“Yeah good point Little Rogers sorry Nat... carry on...” 

“Just use your best judgement Savannah...” 

“Erm where do I put it?” More giggles from Tony 

“I’ll get you a holster... I’m gonna get you a double one with room for his arm...” 

I heave again despite the hangover pill “... sorry... I... the arm makes me feel weird when it’s not attached to him... even though I know I’ve seen him without it... just not under such... circumstances” 

“It ok... I understand...” she’s strapping me into a holster and slipping the stun gun under my left arm, the spare rounds go in a pouch attached to it “... we’ll put the arm in when we land... now... when we get there we don’t know if they’ll have their own coms and there can be a lot of noise so when you talk into yours remember to use names so we know who you’re talking to got it?” 

“Right... but you’re not going to... leave me?” 

“We’ll try not to... we don’t know what’ll happen I don’t think we’ve ever flown in this unprepared before... we knew about mutants yes but they did their thing and didn’t interfere with ours and vice versa so we’re not versed in their... abilities” 

“So basically... get in, get Bucky, get out, shoot if they’re a... bad guy?”

Sam laughs “I thought you’d never done this before?” 

“One last thing Savannah...” 

“Oh god what?” 

“Have you eaten today?” 

“Nope... too... hungover”

“Then eat... there’s all sorts of things in here... somewhere... ahhh...” she opens another locker door revealing a substantially stocked pantry of sorts, packages of nuts, protein bars, Steve Rogers type food 

“I don’t think I can...”

“Oh yes you can...” Tony sounds serious “... I have never had a team mate faint on a mission from low blood sugar and hunger and I’m not about to now so eat... try one of the power bars... honestly they’re pretty good... they’re designed to give you everything you need...” 

“To help me get to everything I need” 

“Exactly...”

“Ok...”

“Atta girl...” 

I chose a peanut butter chocolate combo before I sit back down. It’s not... bad. It’s Reeses for grown ups? No it’s Reeses for people who wouldn’t ‘poison’ their bodies with regular candy. Bucky has a deep unparalleled love for Reese’s peanut butter cups. He might love them more than he loves me. It’s one thing that’s never changed, in all the years he was... well, they’re still the same. And he’s bought me one in every holiday shape since he’s been in my life. An egg last Easter when we were barely dating but he liked to randomly ‘drop in’. A pumpkin when it was October and he was half living at the apartment and fell in love with Spooky season. A tree when it was Christmas and he was experiencing flashbacks and his brain was kind of upside down but he still got me one. And a heart on Valentines, when he gave me that letter, that stupid gushing ‘I’m gonna write down the inner workings of my soul’ letter. Don’t cry, not again, not on the peanut butter it’s already salty. It is kind of like cardboard though so maybe it will improve it? 

Think on something else.... 

“You know you said we didn’t know what we were going into?” 

“Yup... I mean there’s a registration act it covers mutants and enhanced people, so we could access everyone who’s registered find out their... abilities but if he’s got... citizens I doubt they’d be registered, it’s a secret country?” 

“No Tony not that... what about him” 

“Who?” 

“Eric... he can CONTROL METAL we’re flying into a county run by a guy who can control metal in a metal ship, full of metal, flown by a man who’s whole thing is IRON which last time I checked was a METAL” 

“I thought you said you were smart?” 

“I get distracted Sam... sometimes I miss the minor details” 

“MINOR DETAILS?” 

“Ok... ok... look my new suit is nanotechnology... it’s not metal so... that’s ok... but Little Rogers is right, everyone rid yourself of significant amounts metal before we get off the jet” 

“What?” They’re all looking at me “...why are you all staring at me?” 

“For someone who’s just pointed out about a man who can control metal you’ve sure got a lot of it about your persons that you’re not removing right now” 

“Oh... OH...” 

“There is it...” Tony turns back around “... if you need some pliers there will be some in one of the lockers so have at it...” 

“Erm...” 

“Is there a problem?” If this jet had a rearview I would a hundred percent be on the receiving end of the Dad face that Tony uses with Peter right now

“I don’t suppose there’s a secret bathroom on here?” 

“No... just take the things out of your face, we’re not squeamish so stop worrying” 

“Yeah it’s just they’re not only in my... face” 

“Oh... I mean... oh I am not angry Savannah... I’m disappointed” 

“You’re not my DAD” I get out of my chair and head towards the back of the jet “... just please stay looking out the window thank you...” 

I unzip my suit “I can hear how far you’re unzipping that and just so you know if there’s EVER an instance where Barnes plus piercings equals stuck do not come crying to me... piercing your... lady parts... Jesus... does Janis know? I’m gonna tell her... hey did you know your daughter has a pierced vagina and she’s got a boyfriend with a metal arm which to me... an engineer does not seem like a good combination?” 

“TONY!” 

Thankfully I don’t need pliers, I’ve undone the balls enough times on my own. What I do need is some kind of container to put them all in. I chance upon an empty Tupperware container and begin putting everything in there. 

“Jesus how many I have you got? I can hear them dropping in to whatever container you’ve found to put them in”

“I don’t know Tony A LOT? I have an ethic of experiencing a piercing before doing it to someone else” 

“I mean as ethics go it’s not a... bad one” 

“Thank you Sam” 

With my suit zipped back up I set about taking out my earrings, daith, tragus, industrial, rook, helix. All in the Tupperware, then my septum and nose rings. And finally my tongue stud. I stash the Tupperware in the snack cupboard 

“Seriously you’re more made of metal than I am and last time I checked I was the only Iron Man” 

“I’m done... I’m done...” I retake my seat and Natasha is staring at me “What? Did I miss one?” 

“No I just never realised how... blank you look without them...” 

“I feel naked” Sam bursts out laughing “... now what?” 

“I just... Bucket... who’d not seen a naked woman in seventy years... and the first one has...” more laughter “... is it kind of wrong I’d have liked to have seen his face when he found out?” 

I laugh too “... it was kind of like...” I try and pull my best confused Bucky face as they look me “...that?” 

“Yup... that’s scarily accurate” 

The laughter stops and the atmosphere turns serious again. 

“Should I even take Bucky his arm? I mean... guy that can control metal?” 

“I’d already had that thought...” 

“Please elaborate...” 

“A man who can control metal... would know about vibrainium, and in turn Wakanda... and with Wakanda still under the rule of T’Challa and not the... metal guy I think we can safely assume he can’t control vibranium or we wouldn’t be headed to Sokovia right now and the problems would be a whole lot bigger than missing a couple of fucking idiots... I am a genius, remember?”

“Right...” 

Silence stills through the jet. 

Nat readies herself by making sure she’s not carrying metal, or as little as possible, even going so far as to remove the arrow necklace I’ve never seen her without. 

I can’t see anything other than clouds from the cockpit window. I still don’t know where Sokovia is other than Eastern Europe, and geography is far from my strong point. I get lost in Brooklyn without GPS. 

“I’m gonna take Bucky on vacation...” 

“Yeah?” Nat’s smiling at me 

“To Disney... because he’ll scowl and it’ll be hilarious” 

“Does he ever... smile I mean? I call him Sargent Serious...” 

“He smiles all the time... and laughs... Sam knows he laughs...” 

“Yeah... he giggles like an idiot when he’s high” 

Tony makes a shocked sound “WHEN HE’S WHAT?” 

Sam continues “... for his birthday a couple of weeks back, his birthday request was ‘fun drugs’ which Savannah was happy to supply so we... got high in his shop, me, Savannah him and Steve... that’s when we found out Raven wouldn’t sleep with him...” 

“Ok well I feel I need to know more about a high Captain America BUT Raven did not... not at all?” 

“Not until marriage apparently... she’d redeemed herself...” 

“Tony what do we know about Raven?” asks Nat 

“Just that none of us were sure of her intentions... and FRIDAY couldn’t find anything... which... she can find something on everyone... EVERYONE... I guess she’d faked it... which I’m gonna need to know how so...” I feel the jet drop, and below the clouds I see the ruins of an old city below “... won’t be long till I get to find out how... we all ready?” 

“As I’ll ever be...” 

The jet drops further. And thankfully it doesn’t need a runway to land because from the looks of things there isn’t one. Maybe there was once. 

“Looks like we have a welcoming party” 

I can’t see whatever Tony does but my heart speeds up “... is it Bucky?” 

“Nope... just a guy... a regular guy... but let’s assume he’s not... let’s assume NO ONE here is...” 

The wheels touch down and we clamber up from our seats, double checking we have everything we need before the door opens. Sam places Bucky’s arm in the holster on my back. I try not to think about it, the detached arm. I think about getting back to the person it belongs to. 

“FRIDAY ramp down...” the ramp lowers “... game faces people... game faces” 

“Hello... welcome... oh the whole... gang is here? Wonderful... I’m Eric... this is Genosha, if you’d like to follow me I can take you to your friends although as I explained to them I wouldn’t try anything heroic... there are many many ways that I alone can stop you...” he’s just a guy, an ordinary middle aged guy, he doesn’t look that much different than he did in my echo “... and you must be what all this is about... Savannah Rogers... come... I’ve never met a... whatever you are before...” it’s not anxiety that bubbles up it’s anger “... now now... no heroics” 

Sam nudges me and I realise I’ve started to glow, again. 

“Sorry about that... she’s a little... excitable... so by all means, lead the way... love what you’ve done with the place, really cleaned it up huh?” 

I take a deep breath and follow Tony off the jet.


	72. I’ll trade all my tomorrow’s for just one yesterday

Bucky’s POV

  
“It’s just water Buck and I am so thirsty... so very... very... VERY thirsty”

“No don’t drink the Kool Aid”

“It’s water?”

“And the people at Heavens Gate thought it was just Kool Aid”

“You know I have no idea what you’re talking about right?”

“Don’t you have a favourite serial killer?”

“NO... do you? ... are you your own favourite serial killer?”

“No I don’t count... Charles Manson killed loads of people by getting them to drink poisoned Kool Aid...”

“Jesus what in the hell do you and Savannah watch?”

“Why aren’t you watching serial killer documentaries?”

“I’m Captain America I’m... busy”

“Uh huh... dating blue ladies... how’s that working out for you Steve?”

“I’m sure it’s just water... I mean it’s bottled? I learnt the hard way that in foreign countries only drink bottled water because not even an enhanced metabolism can stop the tap water from ripping your insides out of your butthole”

“Fine... drink it... but you’re going first... seeing as this is your fault”

“Fine”

We’ve been in this room for HOURS, days maybe I don’t know, there’s no windows so I can’t tell. It’s just a square plain white room, two plastic chairs and a desk with an array of snacks and bottles of water on top. That we’ve been staring at for hours (or days). Thankfully there’s also a TINY bathroom because I am still peeing out straight mead. And if it had gotten to the point of desperation I was not above peeing in a corner. Or emptying the water bottles and peeing in them.

What are we here? Prisoners? I’m guessing so because the door is locked and I don’t have my arm to rip the dam thing off. Plus... scary mutants out there. On the drive to... here I saw a man that was some kind of frog hybrid, and a guy who very definitely produced fire from his HANDS without any matches. And there were many MANY more so don’t wanna go out there. In here we seem... kind of safe. So wait. We wait. For what I’m not sure yet.

“It really is just water Buck... here...” he throws me a bottle but it just bounces off my forehead “...sorry”

“I’ve only got one arm my coordination isn’t my strong point right now” I scoop it off the floor and chug it down after having to grip the bottle with my knees so I can use the one hand I’ve still got to twist the cap off “Empty your pockets...”

“You empty your pockets”

“Do I look like I HAVE POCKETS?”

“Why do I have to empty my pockets?”

“Didn’t you ever see MacGyver? Or the A-Team? they build bombs out of gum wrappers and hair pins so... empty out your pockets and then we can THINK”

“Do you know how to build a bomb?”

“Maybe I do... maybe if someone puts the right combination of... things in front of me it will trigger something and I’ll work it out... so empty your pockets”

“Jesus... are we basing our... plan on something you saw on television and the hope of triggering a HYDRA programmed skill?”

“Do you have any other bright ideas?”

“FINE...” he starts emptying his suit pockets on the table

“That’s it?” He’s emptied his pockets out on the table and we’re looking down on it all. Most of it I recognise. One thing I do not “... and that is?” I point to the square foil packet which looks kind of useful?

“Condom?”

“That’s what they look like now?”

“Yes? Wait... you... Buck even I know wrap it before you tap it”

“Allergic to latex remember?”

“Oh... right... so that is... out if you were thinking of using it... the foil could maybe be useful?”

“It’s... featherlite? What does that even mean?”

“You can get... there’s many different... you know what? I’ll explain it to you when you’re older...”

“Uh huh... right what else to we have?”

“Five dollars, my emergency credit card, my Tower ID, a napkin with the wedding date on and some confetti”

“Super useful”

“Oh I’m sorry I didn’t know I was going to be kidnapped, if I did I’d have brought my survival kit”

“You’re not a kid... so Steve-napped?”

“I’ll accept that... oh hang on there’s been something digging into me all day...” he pulls the object out of his trouser pocket and places it on the table “... I have no idea what it is though”

My gut spins and heart sinks “... it’s Savannah’s”

“Oh... why... and what?”

“Lip balm... if she’s wearing an outfit without pockets she has a tendency to dump her stuff in the nearest pockets available... which I guess was yours at that moment in time...” I pick up the little egg and unscrew it, lifting it to my nose, which makes my heart ache even more, The Winter Soldier? an unfeeling machine, Bucky Barnes? far too many feelings “... it’s vanilla, they’re always vanilla... and she thinks she loses them so she just buys another and then finds the one she thought she lost so there’s... I find them all the time... once found one in the toilet cistern... I mean... HOW?”

“So we can’t... MacGyver this... stuff?”

“Nope... I mean we could probably use the credit card to open the door lock but I don’t wanna go out there... because...”

“Mutants?”

“Right...”

“And you don’t have any secret pockets in your... leggings?”

“THERMALS”

“Fluffy boots?”

“Nope...”

“How in the hell did we beat the Nazis?”

In frustration I sit on the floor with my back against the wall “... because Peggy Carter and Howard Stark armed us from head to toe?”

He follows suit and slides down the wall next to me “... we’re basically just... guys huh?”

“Yup in a land of mutants... that was called Soho?”

“Sokovia...”

“Right Sokovia... just guys trapped in a room... trapped in a room”

“Buck?” My breathing speeds up, my heart feels like it’s pounding out of my chest, and I can feel the sweat pool across my brow “... hey... hey... ok... you’re having an anxiety attack...”

“I can’t... breathe...”

“Yes you can if you couldn’t you wouldn’t be able to talk... so... let’s... take your mind off it...”

“How? We’re trapped... in a foreign country full of mutants...” maybe it’s the mead finally leaving my system, maybe it’s the realisation that we’re kind of screwed, that there’s possibly people here that no matter how many times my brain has been put right and the soldier turned off they could turn him back on with the blink of an eye. And that I am far far FAR away from the life I was trying to build, a life of normality, with a (potential) wife and a dog and a cat and a dumb fire pole and a apartment that doesn’t even have floors right now but it’s still my HOME, because I didn’t want to do... this anymore. I wanted normality. My war is over.

“Let’s... what would Savannah do?”

“What?”

“She’s seen you have anxiety attacks... she’s seen you go partially soldier... what would she do to... diffuse the situation?”

“I don’t know...”

“Yes you do... you just can’t get your brain in the right order because it’s panicking... so slow it down and tell me what Savannah would do... you know it’s the one thing I don’t understand well... I guess there’s two things... firstly what do you talk about? Do you not get bored... and two, do you not get bored with... other things?”

“No... and no...”

“Elaborate...”

“I know you’re just trying to trick me into calming down but I’m telling you... it won’t work”

“Humour me”

“Fine... some days I talk to her from the moment I open my eyes until the moment I fall asleep because she’s... the amount of changes in the world, in technology just in her lifetime that she REMEMBERS is crazy to me... did you know when she was born the internet was just for... organisations not regular people? Cell phones were the size of bricks and just as heavy... plus now my brain is... almost normal I some days have a lot of questions, many of them ridiculous, now I don’t have to think about... war, I can think about other things, like how does that work? Or why did that happen and she never loses patience with me, never... she’ll either give me a super dumb answer or help me find the answer I want... then there’s the days when it is quiet... yeah sometimes we run out of things to say but it’s a comfortable silence, it’s not tense or... weird it’s just... quiet... and when we’re falling asleep that’s when we have the best conversations like would you rather have toes for fingers or fingers for toes, she does it to help me clear my mind before I go to sleep so I’m not overthinking anything because I tend to get night terrors if I do... I loved her conversation before I loved... the other stuff... when we’d FaceTime after my surgeries... I mean we should have nothing to talk about, nothing in common... and I hate talking to people...”

“But not her?”

“No... she was safe... she IS safe to me, from the second I laid eyes on her on the alleyway thinking she was your wife... I knew she was safe... I did not realise I would fall in love with her... I didn’t even know I was capable of falling in love...”

“When did you... realise?”

“She... not when she was taken, I cared for her... a lot and... don’t take my stuff ya know? but the first time we shared a bed... I had a night terror and she wrapped me in this fluffy towel and wouldn’t let me leave... that’s when I knew”

“I think anyone who’d just had sex for the first time in seventy years would feel like that...”

“No we hadn’t... not at that point... she didn’t want to push me and I did not want to push her so... we got to know each other first... I mean I thought maybe... I read A LOT on the internet about her sexuality and about relationships that are still committed and loving but aren’t... physical... because my dick didn’t work...”

“You didn’t tell me?”

“I don’t have to tell you everything... and you were too busy with your clearly fully functioning dick”

“Oh god I’m so sorry... I was... and you couldn’t even... sorry Buck...”

“NOW you’re sorry? Doesn’t matter... didn’t matter then... really... but... well... it started working... and then I freaked out even more because... seventy years... so I... checked a couple of times that it was still... functional in that way... and we... yeah... it was awkward and embarrassingly... short but we worked it out...”

“... and you’re not bored with... that? ... how?”

“Because sex Stevie can be so many things, you’re so hung up on the act itself and the end goal that you’re missing out on the best parts... the parts where you slip and slide and make weird noises and bump your heads together... the part when you’re comfortable enough to say don’t do that or do that more or that’s great but why don’t we do it like this? ... the parts where you’ve learnt to read each other so you know that it’s not going to be an evening of tossing each other around the bed that it’s going to be an evening of taking things slow and enjoying ourselves... or the fact that we can both say no... and not offer any further explanation as to why without hurt feelings... and then there’s always something new I find out... like... roller skates”

“Oh... oh... really?”

“Yup... I got bruises from the toe stoppers but it was worth it... and it was... really funny I couldn’t stop giggling because she was literally rolling away...”

“So what you’re saying is... sex should be... amusing?”

“Yes...”

“I think you’re gonna HAVE to marry her”

“I know...” I’d gotten the anxiety under control but the thought of not getting out of here to be able to marry her sparks it off again “... I’m so fucking scared right now... that something has happened to her... and I’ll never get to even finally ask her...”

“Hey... hey no... you’re talking about the woman who knocked me on my ass... I wish... I wish you could’ve seen it Buck she was... unstoppable... even when Tony half in his suit tried to stop her she got a good swing at him too... she even... she even swung at Banner... she was FEARLESS you’d have been so proud... so... tell me why you haven’t already asked... you’ve got a ring”

“... she can be... skittish... scared... especially when it comes to emotional stuff... so we made a deal, although it’s been altered many times... first it was if we survived a year of normal relationship she’d talk about the idea of it... then she said at Christmas if I asked she’d say yes... that’s when I got the ring but the deal was still a year... we wouldn’t need to talk it about it... but she’d say yes so long as it had been a year...”

“But you’re ready... now?”

“Come on Steve... I don’t think my parents had been together three months when they got married... same with yours... many things have changed, my attitude towards traditions when it comes to marriage haven’t... not when I know she’s it... I even... I even asked her Dad... now he’s back”

“And he said... yes?”

“He said it wasn’t his place to say... I hadn’t even meant to ask him I meant to ask him about her echoes but my thoughts got muddled from leaving my brain to reaching my mouth”

“Would you want to see... her echoes I mean... I know I wanted to but I never stopped to think if you did too?”

“I don’t know... something happened a few weeks back... I think she projected it but she says I dreamt it... it felt really real... but would I want to be able to see... the things I did? No... would I want to see flashes of before the war? Maybe... but it’s over, like I said to you it’s not useful to live in the past... we gotta think about moving forwards”

“That Heaven’s Gate place... with the Kool Aid... was the food poisoned too because I am STARVING...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’ve clearly been on a manic writing mission. I don’t think I’ve washed my hair in almost a week and my room is littered with empty water bottles and there’s things I need to do in the real world so, it’ll be a couple of days before the next update ❤️


	73. These eyes won’t see the same, after I flip today

I am a hundred percent sure Bucky has been in the vehicle I’m in right now. He was wearing my UGG boots, and they... shed. They shed fluff everywhere which is one of the reasons I don’t wear them, the other being Bucky got a hold of them after I’d worn them maybe twice and I can never find them. And there’s fluff that matches my UGGs on the back of the seat I’m sat behind. 

It is not comfortable. And not just because I’ve got Bucky’s arm digging in my back. Tony’s in the passenger seat, the rest of us squashed in the back like sardines in a tin. All Eric would say is that he would explain everything when we reached our destination and were more ‘comfortable’ whatever that means. Tony keeps trying to initiate conversation but is just met with a smug smile each time. He’d also not... disarmed us, at all, was more amused as to us bringing weapons at all. Made us feel like we brought spoons too defend ourselves against atomic bombs. 

This place is... it looks so... normal. People just going out about living everyday lives. There’s even children. I thought Tony said they dismantled this... place? It looks fine to me, I mean maybe a bit ramshackle and underdeveloped but most of Eastern Europe is. Especially the parts that were once in the Soviet Union. The people though... most of them are... well if they are mutants I sure as hell can’t tell, there are a few that catch my eye, but just because they’ve got different coloured skin they shouldn’t be treated any differently. I think the man in the chair was right, living together is best, segregation causes... problems.

I’m struggling to keep my brain from drowning in echos, the only thing that’s helping is that we’re driving, so as soon as one starts we move away from it rapidly. My bubble is having to become a glass jar as the flimsy plastic I had been using in my imagination is being constantly punctured as they’re coming too fast and in such high volume. 

We pull to a stop outside a building made of concrete and glass, like a police station from a nineteen eighties action movie. It’s maybe five stories high. And it is the most modern seeming building I’ve seen since we landed. 

I get an overwhelming feeling. 

Eric and Tony are already out of the car, Nat’s half way out so I grab Sam’s arm, maybe a bit too hard. 

“Jesus Rogers what?” 

“I’ve got a feeling...” 

“... like the Black Eyed Peas or something else?” 

“Something else”

“Savannah...” it’s Nat in my ear speaking in hushed tones “... you’re bound to, it’s part of being on a mission, trust your gut...” 

“Are you trying to make an agent out of me?” 

“Would it really be the worst thing?” 

What is that feeling? What is it? I should’ve not been so stubborn and spent more time with my... Dad maybe I’d have a better grip on things by now if I had. But then I wasn’t exactly expecting my... Bucky to be stolen FROM OUR BED WHEN WE WERE HUNGOVER AND NOW I’M IN EUROPE? well technically I’m now in an elevator in Europe, I’m in an elevator with Eric at the front and us at the back, Tony kicks my foot and gives me a ‘NO’ look. I’m glowing again, I’d got agitated and started glowing again? Great, fantastic, all of this is SUPER useful Dad thanks. 

BUCKY. The feeling... the feeling is Bucky it’s like... I can feel him? Almost like rolling over in bed and he’s got up but his side of the bed is still warm. Like that. That’s what I can feel. Again not useful. 

The elevator comes to a stop, when the doors open it seems as if this floor hasn’t been built yet it literally just has a floor. There’s a few crates, and a long table with chairs around it. The kind of chairs in school classrooms, the last time I was in a classroom anyway. Which was a long time ago. There’s someone sitting at the table but they’re in shadows. 

Eric hits a light switch and there’s a blue... person sitting at the head of the table. 

“So you all know each other already? No need for introductions...” 

“I think I’d know if I’d met the cast of Avatar...” great Tony, sarcasm 

It’s a blue female person? I can tell when she stands up and there’s... boobs. But she’s like a Barbie doll? No DEFINITE... parts of a woman. 

“Actually I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure... I’m Mystique...” 

I remember what the Professor told me “Raven...” I try to lunge at her but Sam throws his arm out to stop me “... YOU FUCKING CUNT... YOU STOLE MY... PERSON...” 

Eric claps his hands together “.... oh she’s FIESTY this one... I like it... but... let’s all take a breath, sit down and talk... seeing as we’ve had to reach this... point so... shall we?” I sit furthest away from Raven next to Sam, then Tony then Nat. I’m glad it’s Nat sitting next to her she’d bounce her head of the table top without blinking an eye. Eric takes a seat next to Mystique at the top of the table “... firstly this is Genosha... I know you know it as Sokovia but... well you left the main part of it in pieces so we moved in and fixed it up... it’s a work in progress as you can see...” 

“You just formed your own country?” 

“Not at all Tony ... can I call you Tony?” Tony gives him an indifferent face as an answer “... we have lived in... camps and shanty towns... but still growing in numbers so when you conveniently emptied this country for us and people were too afraid to return we... well I... saw an opportunity and took it” 

“You can’t just take a country” 

“There wasn’t anyone to stop me... but... as you can imagine certain... agencies have tried to take it back so far we have defended ourselves but we need a more permanent solution... and that’s where you come in...” 

“I don’t know if you’ve seen the news but I don’t do that anymore... Stark Industries no longer provides defence systems... in the traditional sense” 

“Oh I don’t want Stark Industries to help... I want YOU Tony...” 

“Then why sent... the blue girl in after Steve?” 

“... it’s not of importance what Mystique’s mission operatives were or weren’t... it doesn’t matter now, what does matter is that you are here now...” 

“... before you go any further I think for all our sanities we’d like to see our... missing... people” 

“... of course... Mystique...” 

She produces an iPad from a folder on the table in front of her turns it on and pushes it into Tony and Nat’s view. I can’t see it. And they have amazing poker faces so as to not give anything away. Tony slides it down toward me and Sam. 

Bucky, oh Bucky... you look... ridiculous right now, that’s a terrible outfit, an outfit never meant to be seen in the outside world, but I am so fucking happy to see that ridiculous outfit right now I could cry. I don’t I try and keep my poker face straight. He and Steve are in a almost empty room, they’re sitting on chairs the same as the ones we are right now. They look... fine. Bored if I had to pick an emotion. 

“How do we know this is now?” To me that seems like an obvious question, right? 

“You have my word” 

“Why should I trust you?” 

“Have I given you reason to believe otherwise?” 

“Your... Mystical blue woman stole my... Bucky from our bed while we were asleep and Steve... what did you do to him huh?” 

“I agree Mystique’s actions were... regrettable... but Savannah let me explain...” 

She interrupts him “I’ve spent DECADES keeping people out of my head... how do you think I fooled the Professor? But at the wedding I knew you saw something, I knew you had some kind of ability, something I’d not encountered before and it there was no time to learn how to block you ... meaning that my time was up... so I slipped Steve a little... something... scooped Bucky up for good measure knowing you’d raise the alarm and here we all are...” 

I’m up and lunging again “YOU FUCKING BITCH I WILL LAY YOU THE FUCK OUT I DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU’RE BLUE...” Sam’s up and blocking me, again “... I’m good... I’m good” 

“You know it’s a shame Savannah that we had to meet under such circumstances, had things been different I think we’d have gotten along quite well... you may have even liked the real me” 

I point my index finger in her direction “Yeah well I’ve got news for you... I don’t like anyone...” 

“It’s true she really doesn’t... but we’re clearly getting sidetracked and I had a stack of work to do before having to be involved in whatever this... is so... sit down Savannah the sooner you do the sooner we sort all this out and you and Barnes can go back to not liking people together...” 

“Fine...” I do as I’m told, I didn’t start to glow, I seem to only start to glow when I’m over thinking? Again super helpful. Maybe it’s like a special move in a fighting game, up up down right left up and I turn into the moon or something. Don’t think a moon would be helpful either right now. 

“You’re terribly feisty and as much as I enjoy it... let’s bring out the main event shall we?” 

Eric raises his right hand and one of the crates starts... well it starts floating. It floats off the floor towards us, raising higher until it’s level with the table where he drops it down with a slight thud. Something smells weird? Like... solder? I know because sometimes I have to fix my tattoo machines with it. Solder and... dusty concrete... and... fireworks? So gunpowder? Wonderful... 

“You couldn’t have just emailed me pictures? I mean it’s a wonderful... box...” 

Eric flicks his wrist and the sides of the crate drop down. Before they’ve even hit the table it... starts. 

“Eric she’s doing... it” 

“So she is... what is that?” 

Their voices fade. Then the room fades and the history of the box contents plays out before me eyes while I try and keep the protein bar in my stomach and not throw up, again. I can’t do anything other than let it play out. Wait till it’s... over. 

Sam’s clicking his fingers in front of my face and I’m laid on my back on the floor, still in the chair. Great. 

“... welcome back...” he pulls me back upright “... there we go...” 

Eric is smiling at me widely “... you... what are you? ... do you know how long I’ve lived without people... interfering with my mind and then... if you’d been born with... that you’d be much more skilled in controlling it... so it’s recently developed... WAIT...” he looks to Tony, Nat and Sam “... you can’t see it? ... can you? ... well that is really something... Charles loves a project if you ever get out of here I suggest to ask him to help you with whatever that is... you’re not a mutant... but you’re not human either... wonderful... SORRY forgive me I’m getting sidetracked... THIS is why you’re here Mr Stark...” 

“I see... and what do you want me to do with it exactly?” 

“As you can imagine I can make it move... I need you to be my Victor Frankenstein and bring it back to life” 

“No” 

“No?” 

“Would you like me say it in Spanish? No” 

“Very well... Mystique... send Jean into visit with our other guests...”

“Of course...” she gets her blue ass up and pulls a cell phone from who knows where whispering into it.

The iPad screen lights up bringing my attention back to Bucky and Steve in the other room as a red headed woman enters, she’s smiling at them and she in no way looks threatening but seconds after she enters they’re both on the floor clamping their hands over their ears. I don’t need to be able to hear to know they’re screaming in pain. 

“STOP” did that voice come out of me? I’ve got my hands stretched out in front me, the glow is almost blinding. Everyone’s staring at me. 

“I’d ask her stop if I were you... we’ve not figured out what that’s all about and I don’t feel like dying today” 

Eric nods and Raven whispers into her cell. 

“Savannah look look...” Sam’s pointing at the iPad screen where Bucky and Steve are back to normal and the red head has left the room “... that’s it... take a breath... bring it back in...” 

“You know Savannah you are very welcome to stay here... I could help you with... that... Charles would only dampen it... I would teach you how to ignite it...” 

“Fuck you... I just want to go home... TONY I WANT TO TAKE BUCKY HOME... just do... whatever... please this is bullshit on the planet this sucks balls AND...” 

“Yup... yup... look... Eric... you found something that you probably shouldn’t have... and here’s the problem with that... it’s Ultron... and like you say you can make him move but...” Tony sighs “... you ever watch Terminator?” Eric shrugs “... it’s basically about an artificial intelligence gone bad... only in the movie it took YEARS for Skynet to become self aware... it took Ultron less than a minute... he destroyed this city you rebuilt and he’d do it again... and if you crushed that body he’d simply find a new one... he was unstoppable...” 

“Yet you did stop him” 

“And you want him for what? to protect this country? The ONLY thing he protects is himself... you couldn’t enslave him make him do your bidding... and besides the secret ingredient that created Ultron is... unavailable... so even if your plan with... Avatar here had worked and she had gained access to my labs and by some miracle fooled my security systems into letting her in she would’ve brought back useless information... this is as they say in chess a stale mate... so... we’ll be leaving if you could have our friends meet us at the jet that would be great thanks” 

“Let me make myself very clear... NO ONE is going anywhere until you give me what I want” 

“And I told you it’s not possible” 

The stare off starts again. Jaws are clenched, shoulders squared. Nat rolls her eyes. 

“Mystique why don’t you bring our other guests up here... let them be the deciding vote...” she nods and head to the elevator. 

After what feels like an eternity of silence Sam leans over to me “... don’t react... when you see him, I know you want to, but don’t... just in case...” 

If Eric hears him he acts as if he hasn’t. 

When the elevator doors open again and I see Bucky it takes every fibre of my being to not run to him. And it would seem in my concern of not reacting another reaction is taking place, even I can see the glow. Sam nudges me and I try my best to reign in back. If I knew what it was it would be helpful. 

Two more chairs are dragged to the table with another flick of Eric’s hand. 

Soon he’s sat down opposite me. Bucky, I wish you could hear me. Can you hear me? His face is blank. Did the other red head mess with your mind? Has she broken you? I’ve brought your arm. I missed you so much Bucky. I was so scared. Nothing. Of all the ‘gifts’ I could’ve ended up with why couldn’t telecommuting have been one of them? BUCKY. 

“Is that... Ultron?” 

“Welcome to the party Steve... thanks for all of this by the way...” Steve opens his mouth but Tony holds his hand up “... nope... and yes that’s Ultron... metal Micky here would like me to breathe life back into him... I said no... for obvious reasons” 

“And now we’re at some what of an loggerhead I’m afraid Captain Rogers... so far your time here in Genosha has been... non threatening... I really would hate to harm any of you... but unless Mr Stark does as I ask... well...” Sam slumps forward clutching his right shoulder “... shrapnel? yes... part of a land mine... not my favourite metal but as you can see quite...” I can see blood running between Sam’s fingers “... effective...” 

“ENOUGH...” Steve’s on his feet, his palms slapping down on the table top with force, Raven kicks his chair from behind hitting the backs of his knees forcing him to sit back down 

I’m leaning over Sam trying to prise his fingers away so I can see what’s happened. He loosens his grip enough for me to see a jagged piece of metal that’s ripped through his uniform, I can’t see the damage it’s done to his skin but it’s gotta be bad judging by the amount of blood. 

“Shame you don’t still have your shrapnel Mr Stark...” 

I manage to pull Sam back into a sitting position, I have zero idea what to do here, I damage skin by drawing on it, I don’t repair it. He gets himself in what I assume to be a comfortable position as he stills and takes his hand away, although the blood still flows. 

“I told you I cannot make Ultron work again...” 

“And I said not good enough...” this time it’s Nat that doubles over “... bullet fragments in the abdomen?” 

“STOP... STOP... look I can’t bring Ultron back... I can’t... truly... but I could provide you with something... else?” 

“I want the same as you Mr Stark... protection for my country... that’s all...” 

Tony’s pulling Nat into an upright position. She’s pale and shaking, which means it’s bad. I’ve never seen her so much as flinch. 

“Look here’s what I’ll do...” the light outside dims and the lights inside flicker. 

I get a feeling. It’s overwhelming. I can’t ignore it. With Eric and Raven distracted by the sudden change in atmosphere I launch myself out of my seat and across the table at Bucky praying the rest of the team will also react. 

“What the...” I collide with him and with every ounce of strength I have I push him under the table just as the glass windows that run the length of the floor we’re on smash simultaneously. 

“Good afternoon morons...” We’re all under the table hands over our heads. I can see Eric and Raven on the floor on top of each other with a large hammer holding them down “... Miss Potts said you’d come on a rescue mission without me? Terribly poor sportsmanship not to invite the strongest player to the game Stark” 

“Thor?” 

“Who else would it be? I believe time maybe of the essence here so when you’re ready to stop hiding under the table I’d head back to your jet... I handle this and catch up with you...” 

“FRIDAY bring the jet to me...” 

“Sure thing boss” 

“Doll...” he’s got his one hand cupped to my face 

“Buck...” 

“I missed you...” 

“Not the time for it you two... COME ON COME ON LET’S GO MOVE IT” 

“This is yours...” I pull his arm from it being strapped to my back and hand it to him, he clicks in back in place 

“You got an OUTFIT” 

“Yeah Buck... I did” 

“NOW” 

Without another word we’re out from under the table and heading for the stairs not wanting to wait for the elevator. I’d love to kick the stack of mutants pinned under Thor’s hammer but I’m pulled away by Bucky. 

“Thanks for having us... let’s not do this again any time soon though...” 

“STARK” 

“Ok Lebowski we’re going we’re going...” 

I take the stairs at least two at a time. I don’t know how I’m still breathing, I haven’t done this much physical exercise in a very long time. Yet my legs keep willing me forward down the stairs out and on to the street outside. Thor’s entrance must’ve spooked the locals as it’s eerily quiet out here and I can hear the faint hum of the jet’s engine as it approaches. 

“Leaving so soon?” It’s the red head that was in Bucky and Steve’s room “I don’t think so...” I hear my team mates screaming, I feel their bodies drop on to the ground. Yet nothing happens to me “... hi I’m Jean...” 

“I don’t care...” 

“You should...” their screams get louder 

I look around they’re all on the ground, all of them, hands clamped over their ears. What do I do? What do I do? Pull them on the jet? How? I’m one person... and how can I stop this... Jean who’s now floating off the ground and glowing red. 

I start walking towards her “... my name is Savannah Rogers-Barnes they call me echo... and I’m gonna show you how we do it in Brooklyn now BITCH” 

I have no idea what I’m gonna do.


	74. Girlfriend in a coma

The piercing blinding pain that had been ripping through my skull is gone. Like someone flicked the off switch. Everyone’s pulling themselves from the ground. Probably trying to work out what happened. Then I see what happened and my stomach drops. 

About ten feet away there’s two bodies on the floor. One the red head from mine and Steve’s cell, the other... it’s Savannah. 

“Savannah...” I’m over to her as quick as my feet will take me, she’s freezing cold, oh god no... no... “Savannah...” 

“Barnes grab her and let’s go...” Tony’s waving at me from the ramp of the jet.

I pray I don’t do any damage to her as I lift her lifeless body from the asphalt and carry her up and on to the jet. 

“What the hell just happened?” 

“I think Steve we all just got saved from YOUR mess by a tattooist from Brooklyn... FRIDAY can you tell me anything about Savannah’s condition...” 

I feel the jet lift off the ground and start climbing. I’m still stood up with her in my arms, I take the nearest seat. I’m not letting go of her no way. Not now. Not ever. 

“Her heart rate is slow yet steady, but her body temperature is dangerously low” 

“SOMEONE FIND ME A BLANKET” 

Steve starts pulling through all the lockers and cubbies aboard, there’s got to be something we can use. As I brush the hair out of her face I realise she looks... blank. Her piercings are missing. Because she had the thought when headed to a man who controls metal to take them out. Clever girl. 

“Here...” he hands me two of those foil sheets I’ve seen runners use on the television “... wrap her as tightly in these as you can... I’m so sorry Buck...” 

“Do NOT speak to me...” I set about wrapping her up like a burrito, if she was conscious she’d think this was amazing, finally she’d be an actual human burrito “... LOOK what you did Steve... LOOK...” he peers down on Savannah’s body, tears in his eyes “... and it’s not just her...” I follow his eyes around the jet, Nat’s bent over paler than I’ve ever seen her clutching her stomach, Sam’s trying his best to put a dressing on a large chunk of metal protruding from his shoulder “... when she wakes up I’m taking her home and YOU will stay away from us... I am DONE with... ALL OF THIS... if it came down to it, her or you... I’d chose her EVERY SINGLE TIME and I do not give a flying fuck she’s only been in my life for a hundredth of the time you have, clear?” 

He sniffs in “... perfectly...” he’s out of my line of sight taking a seat as far away from me as possible 

I pull her closer towards me again, I run a little hotter thanks to the serum so maybe it’ll heat her up “... don’t go dying on me Savannah... don’t you dare... what am I supposed to do without you? Huh... can’t take care of myself... you know that... who’ll remind me to take my pills, and then Alley Cat and Hopper... please baby... please... don’t make me tell your parents you... STARK? Can you... make a phone call from in here?” 

“Can I make a phone call from in here? Of course I can... it’s not the... you know what probably not the time... just ask FRIDAY but it’ll be on speaker, can’t do anything about that... think Thor killed my cell... no regards for personal electronics that man...” 

“FRIDAY?” I hate speaking to the dam thing but needs must “... can you call Sindre Magnussen please?” 

She doesn’t reply but soon enough I hear a ringing tone. 

“This is Si... hello?” 

“Si it’s...” 

“Hello Bucky how can I help you? Have you called to offer me more goats?”

“There’s been an... incident...” 

“Has she experienced another echo... I told her to come back and see me...”

“No... I mean yes... I mean I don’t know... she’s...” 

“Bucky you’re frightening me...” there’s a thud on the roof and I fear the worst, but as the ramp lowers its Thor that enters the jet “... Bucky... are you... in a wind tunnel?” 

“No... Savannah is... there was... something happened and now she won’t wake up...” 

“Sindre Magnussen... this is Thor, ruler of Asgard, God of Thunder... your daughter... she fought bravely... though I’m not sure what happened... it wasn’t a physical fight... there was an explosion of sorts... it knocked her and her opponent from their feet and now she sleeps” 

“Does it look like... what I think it looks like?” 

“If you are thinking of Odinssleep then yes” 

“Bucky... listen... Savannah has... she’s drained, like a... like a battery, she needs to recharge, it’s what happens to Asgardians when they’ve exhausted their gifts... keep her warm and safe, she will wake when she’s ready... there’s nothing I can do... or you... or anyone else... we just have to wait” 

“How long?” 

“I don’t know son, I don’t know... you’ll keep me informed?” 

“Of course and I’m sorry” 

“I doubt the blame lies with you...” he hangs up. 

Goddam right the blame doesn’t lie with me. I look at Steve who as soon as he meets my eyes bows his head in shame. 

———

She’s been asleep for a day. At least she’s at the tower now, with machines hooked up to her so I can see her heart is still beating. Janis arrives after she’s been put in a bed and taken out of her superhero costume and into a hospital gown. I think she’s going to be furious with me but instead she hugs me and cries. She’s brought Hopper with her, and after a fuss from me he leaps on the bed and won’t be moved. 

One day turns into two. And still she sleeps. A bed is brought for me so I can stay with her, and thankfully Sam brings me a change of clothes that are actually mine, they must’ve been in the laundry when I moved out of the penthouse. Janis says she won’t leave to go back to her van, not until Savannah wakes up, no matter how long it takes. 

Two days turn into three. And still she sleeps. Sindre arrives pale faced and wringing his hands. He chants something over her sleeping form, says it might help. It doesn’t. 

Three days turn into four. And still she sleeps. Jed visits, confused but mainly upset. He brings a furious Alley Cat with him, though like Hopper as soon as she sees Savannah she lays at her feet, hissing at anyone but me who attempts to go near her. 

Four days become a week. And still she sleeps. 

“You doing ok?” 

I look round at Sam’s voice “... what do you think?” 

“... you’re taking your meds though? eating... drinking... because when she wakes up if she finds out you’ve not been taking care of yourself she will be ridiculously mad...” 

“Yes I’m taking my meds” 

“Sleeping?” 

“A bit...” I look back to her she’s... this is not how she sleeps, she sleeps on her side, hair everywhere... occasionally snoring “... are you ok?” 

“Well I finally got the metal out of my shoulder... so going through metal detectors at airports won’t be a hassle any more... couple of stitches... I’m fine Buck... but you... you can’t sit here... you know Odinssleep...” 

“... can last years... yeah... still not moving... is... he...” 

“Upstairs... barely left his bedroom since we got back... you know if it was the other way round” 

“I know... I know...” 

“... and Savannah she’d be... she’d bang your heads together...” 

“When she wakes up I’ll deal with it... that place we were... taken...” 

“Stark just said ‘dealt with’ and I didn’t push any further than that... I mean... it’s HIS fault really, he built the dam robot in the first place... or the brain that went in the robot... you get my point though...” 

“There’s got to be something we can do...” I bring her hand to my face and put a kiss to the back of it “... that I can do... I just want to go home Sam... to Brooklyn but it’s not my home it’s OUR home... and I can’t be there without her... I just... can’t...” 

“What if she never wakes up?” 

“... don’t say that... but IF she isn’t awake after six months I’ll... I’ll go back to fighting... I’ll go back to war... without her... without her Sam I’m nothing more than a soldier... it’s her that makes me a person...” 

“Buck...” 

“Do you have anything useful to tell me?” 

“Do I need to? Bring you useful information? Can I not just come and make sure you’re ok? Because with Savannah doing her best Sleeping Beauty impersonation and you not speaking to he who shall not be named someone’s gotta make sure you are still... sane... kind of...” 

“Fine...” 

“You know with... coma patients... it’s recommended not to just talk to them but play them music... perhaps that’s worth... something? Play the song she hates the most in the world on a loop? She’s bound to wake up and tell you to shut the fuck up” 

“... maybe... is Nat...” 

“She’s good... had an internal bleed, insisted that was fine because blood is SUPPOSED to be on the inside... got fixed up in the cradle... now back to her normal Natasha self... she wanted to come but... well... I thinks she’s afraid she’ll cry if she sees this and you know how she feels about showing weakness... you’re not the only one who fell in love with Savannah...” 

“What am I going to do?” 

“Right now? ....take a walk... stretch your legs... I’ll sit with your lady love...” 

“I’ll go to the coffee machine?” 

“There you go...” 

I signal for Hopper to get down off the bed but he barely looks at me. Seems I’m taking this walk alone. I take one last look at Savannah just to make sure but... nothing. She’d be so mad if she new how much caffeine I was consuming, maybe if I up my walks to this machine I can do that thing like I did before and lose four days because I don’t sleep. No, she’d be even madder about that. 

I make myself take the long way back to her room by taking a lap around the medical floor Sam might stay off my back for a couple of days if I do. My mind is blank, just blank, every time I try and think of my shop, our apartment all I see his her in that bed. And yes I’ve tried kissing her to wake her up. Turns out I’m not Prince Charming after all. Just a guy.

I hear conversation coming from her room as I approach it, I quicken my steps, has she woken up? 

“Savannah... you’re...” 

Sam’s still here, sitting on the chair next to her bed. Only now Stark is here and a bald headed guy in a wheelchair? 

“Hello Sargent... my name is Charles Xavier... and I’m here to help”


	75. Dust in the wind

I’m on a porch swing, at first I thought it was just a dumb falling apart couch but after I’d sat on it for a while realised I could move it back and forth. Like a porch swing, only without the porch, or the parts that attach it to the porch and make it swing. So really just a dumb falling apart couch which can rock back and forth like a swing. It’s... nice. 

Also the swing is in space, which is amazing. Specifically I can see the Pillars of Creation. Right there in front me, from my seat on the couch slash swing. There they are twinkling and glowing and the clouds of gas heavy rolling slowly. 

I’ve always been here. Maybe there was a time before, if there was I don’t remember. Because every time I try to think it’s just a black void inside my head, there’s nothing there. Therefore there’s only this couch, space and me. Whoever I am. I know I’m changing though, at first I didn’t have a body, now I do and it keeps... evolving? At first it was like a blank canvas, then it became more colourful, pictures appeared on my skin, colourful random pictures and symbols and words that have no meaning to me. Yet there they are. I’m sure I’m supposed to not be in... space... on a swing. But right now there’s nowhere else to go. So I just sit and swing and watch my skin change. 

“Hello Savannah...” there’s a man on my couch slash swing, sitting at the opposing end, he looks like Miami Vice threw up on him, what’s Miami Vice? What is a Miami? How did I know that? “... it’s very beautiful here...” 

“Thank you...” does he have a name? 

“Charles...” 

“Charles...” I repeat “... I like your outfit...” 

“Ahhh yes... well this is how I still see myself, though I’m far from this... outfit these days... so... this is... space?” 

I raise my hand into a point “... the pillars of creation...” 

“So they are... do you like... space?” 

“I do... I’ve always liked space... because it’s... space?” 

“Do you know how you got here?” 

“I’ve always been here?” 

“No... you haven’t... I’d like to tell you some information, would that be alright?” 

“Will it interrupt... space?” 

“No... not yet” I shrug and go back to looking at space “... your name is Savannah Rogers... your mother Janis was a school teacher... your father Sindre Magnussen was born on Asgard, he’s not always been in your life but you’ve recently developed a relationship with him... you live in Brooklyn, you are a successful tattoo artist... you live with your boyfriend, Bucky...” 

“Bucky? What a dumb name... what is he a rabbit... also what is a rabbit?” 

“Yes I suppose it is a silly name... it’s his nickname... his full name is James Buchanan Barnes” 

“James Barnes...” it’s like something is there but it’s out of my reach “... and my name is...” 

“Savannah... your name is Savannah... I’ve been told that YOUR nicknames are Sav, Doll, Weirdo, Little Rogers and your most recent moniker... echo” 

“Echo...” 

“Yes... you’ve not always been here in... space... a little over a week ago you were involved in a rescue mission... where you encountered a woman called Jean Grey and although you defeated her and successfully rescued your friends I believe you experienced some what of fall out... a huge mental blow, which is why you’re... here” 

“Huh... well that all sounds... I don’t even know... I don’t even know who I am... I have these drawings on my skin and this dress is... what is this? Because I don’t FEEL like the sort of person that would wear a dress” 

“Would you like a mirror? So you can see yourself?” 

“Sure... why not...” I turn back to him as he produces a small round mirror from his jacket, he looks in it first, laughs at his own reflection then hands it to me. That’s... me? My face is so... normal? I have blue hair though, that I like “... my eyes... they weren’t always this colour... were they?” 

“No... it’s probably something that happened in the... altercation...” 

“Is it permanent? I mean it’s not a bad... look...” 

“I can’t tell you” 

“Can I ask you some questions?” 

“Of course” 

“How are you here in... space... with me?” 

“That’s a very loaded question, this isn’t actually space, if it were we wouldn’t be able to breathe, we certainly wouldn’t be able to sit here on this... swing, this is actually the the inside of your mind... it’s been... not erased... more shut down, this is the... start up screen... it’s taking you a while to reboot, like a computer... and I have the ability to enter people’s minds so here I am...” 

“So if I’m not HERE where am I?” 

“In a bed, in a hospital room at Stark Tower” 

“I’m asleep?” 

“In a way... the Norse and Asgardians refer to it as Odinssleep...” 

“Weird... and I defeated this... person?” 

“You did...” 

“How?” 

“I don’t know... Jean Grey is the most powerful mutant I have ever come across... her skills are unmatched and she’s omnipotent... yet you stopped her... I’d love to know how but we need to get somewhere that is not... space... we need to force the restart...” 

“And how do we do that?” 

“Perhaps some visual aids would be helpful? I can show you pictures?” 

“Do you have those... those old photographs... you know they popped out of the camera that took them?” 

“Polaroids and yes, if that’s how you want them...” he pulls a stack of them from his jacket pocket, he hands me the top one “... that is your mother, Janis, as she is now...” 

“She looks kind, but like she’d whoop my ass if I misbehaved” 

“Yes... I believe that sums her up...” he hands me the second one “... this is your father Sindre” 

“He looks like me? Or I look like... him?” 

“Yes there is a strong resemblance... I’m told your characteristics are similar to both your parents, in particular you get your stubbornness from from him...” he hands me the next photo “... this is Bucky...” 

I dance my fingers over the photo, a handsome guy with beautiful blue eyes and a scruffy beard stares back at me “... he looks... mean?” 

“That’s just his ‘face’ or so he says...” 

“Did something... happen to him? Something... bad?” 

“It did Savannah yes...” he hands me the next photo “... this is Steve... he told me you started as knowing each other by association but now you’re friends... and the reason I’m showing you Steve and not another one of your circle is that the rescue mission you went on was to save him and Bucky...” 

“Well clearly whatever happened was his fault I mean look at his boobs they’re huge... they’re bound to lead to trouble” 

“And he does nothing to hide... that chest he consistently wears shirts a size too small...” 

“What a dumbass... no a Fuckass...” 

“Yes... quite... now the last Polaroid is of Jean Grey... if something happens when you see her Savannah if... space starts to change... do not be frightened... just let it happen...” 

He hands me the last photo face down, it feels different to the others somehow, it’s heavier, it’s warmer to the touch. I take one last look at space... just in case it’s all gone soon before I flip the picture over. She’s just an ordinary woman... I was expecting something... remarkable... she almost reminds me of someone else, maybe two other people, do I know a lot of redheads? She has glowing red eyes, which can’t be good. The glow from her eyes starts to change, it gets brighter, her hair in the photograph starts blowing on an invisible breeze. 

The couch starts... spinning, as if it was caught in a tornado... up we go, round and round. 

“This is... not good?” 

“It’s alright Savannah... it’ll stop in a moment...” 

Sure enough the couch lands, hard, on what I think is asphalt, there’s a concrete and glass building and I’m stood in front of it. There’s now two of me, one still sitting on the couch, one standing on the asphalt in front of Jean Grey. She’s floating off the ground, arms out at her side, hair still blowing though I feel neither hot nor cold, nor any kind of wind. Those eyes still glowing red. 

I’m... the other me, has her arms pushed out in front of her. She’s wearing a... suit? It’s a good look, better than the weird purple robe slash dress I’m currently covered in. Her mouth is open as if caught in the middle of a silent scream. And she’s... glowing? 

“Now what?” 

“Well...” Charles gets up from the couch and heads over to the other me “... if you’ll allow me... I’d like to enter your mind... this one here...” he points to the other me “...to find out what exactly happened?” 

“Will it hurt?” 

“No... not in the slightest... so long as I have your permission?” 

I shrug “Sure... I’ll be here... wherever this is” 

I feel odd watching him... Charles move in this place so I turn my attention back to the Polaroids, there’s only one left. The others have vanished. The photo of Bucky is the only one that remains. Only it’s not the one Charles handed me, this Bucky is different, he’s wearing a soldiers uniform, an old soldiers uniform. Within seconds the photograph changes again, this time he’s dirty faced, his hair long and matted and he’s in some sort of machine, screaming. Then it changes again, this time he’s a dirty heap on the floor, a baseball cap on his head and dried blood on his face. Then again, he’s cleaner now, wearing a shirt with daisies on. This version makes me feel... happy, yet nervous? The next version he’s in some kind of uniform but not the soldiers more like combat clothes and he’s got this bright light around his head, this makes me feel... relief? It starts to change too quickly for me to keep up. Different outfits, different lengths of facial hair. They all make me feel happy though, happy, safe, loved. It finally stops and Bucky in a pale blue suit wearing a flower crown remains. He’s got a puppy I’m his arms. A white Wolf like puppy. Does that mean something? White Wolf? Wolf? Wolf... Den? 

“Sorry about that...” Charles is back sitting next to me on the couch. The scene in front of us hasn’t changed. It’s still there. Me verses her. 

“Did you see anything... good?” 

“I have an explanation...” 

I look at the photo of Bucky, he’s important isn’t he? I should be not... here. I should be wherever he is... “I need to be...” I hold the photo up to him “... here right?” 

“You changed the image? Well done Savannah... that’s fantastic... now... you have a... gift... I am a mutant meaning I was born with the ability to enter peoples minds, you were also born with your gift but until you met the people you are descended from, and had a need for your gift it was dormant...” 

“Gift?” 

“Yes you have the ability to experience... to relive the events of... objects... places... your father calls them echoes...” 

“Echoes...” 

“Now... in the time since you discovered this gift you learnt a basic way of blocking them out... the echoes, you put yourself in a bubble in your mind, a bubble they couldn’t penetrate... so you could function and only use your gift when you needed to... when you encountered Jean here the bubble you’d created stopped her from hurting you as she did your friends... does that make sense?” I nod “... good... then to defeat Jean to stop her hurting your friends anymore and allow you to escape you let your bubble down you allowed the echoes in and this place... this country where there was a significant event there would have been many and to put it incredibly simply you... threw them at her...” 

“The echoes?” 

“Yes” 

“Did I kill her?” 

“No... but you stunned her enough to stop her attack” 

“Why am I... glowing?” 

“Ahhh yes... every time you felt overwhelmed it was like a spark... and eventually at this moment when you confronted Jean those sparks became a flame like a ball of energy that allowed you to push the echoes out of you and into her...” 

“So what happened to me... if that happened to her?” 

“YOU expelled a great deal of energy... more energy than you had... your brain shut down... to reboot and well here we are...” 

“How do I not... be here? How do I get back to where I’m supposed to be? Will you help me?” 

“I can’t Savannah... your brain needs to heal... regain focus... remember who you are.... I was here to guide you a little bit and to ascertain what happened, so I can reassure the people out there that you are alright” 

“Will it take long?” 

“I don’t know... I’m going to leave now... but you can do this... you defeated the most powerful mind I’ve ever known...” 

“WAIT... my ‘gift’ will I still have it?” 

“Perhaps using your gift will bring you back, try and find something, an object that you are tied to, let the echoes of it rebuild your memories... and remember your name, it’s your identity... so long Savannah... do come and visit with Bucky, we have a huge ground your puppy can explore” 

He’s gone. I’m alone again, and I can’t make the couch swing anymore. It’s stuck on the ground. And I don’t want to look at... this anymore. Can I change it? Can I go somewhere else? Perhaps I just have to ask?

“Can I go somewhere else please?” 

Apparently not. 

He said the echoes were tied to objects. Find an object. Where? The only thing I have left is the photo of Bucky he left me with, which has changed again. Now he’s stood behind a motorbike. An old motorbike, but he’s looking up at the camera and smiling, streaks of grease on his face. So that’s not... helpful. What about this couch? Have I seen this couch before? Is this couch important? It must be because the tornado comes back, and this time it’s so strong I’m pulled from the couch and thrown down onto a plank. A plank that stretches out over a really deep hole. Like someone’s building a house underground. And up is a building with no floors, but there were floors there, I can see the difference in wall coverings going up. This is different to before. Before it was like looking at a three dimensional photograph. I’m IN this place. I can look behind me and not see black void, now when I look behind there’s more building. 

I must know this place, it must be some place special. Is it a metaphor for the state of my mind? Empty, in the process of rebuilding? Is this an echo? If it is I don’t feel any history. I don’t feel anything. 

“Hi...” 

There’s a figure sitting next to me on the plank swinging their feet “... oh it’s Captain Big Tits... hello... can you get into peoples minds too?” 

“No... I’m your mind’s version of me...” 

“Why you? Why not... him” I still have the photograph, only now it shows Bucky asleep on the couch, asleep on the couch I lost, he’s wrapped in a blanket that makes him look like a human burrito. 

“Probably because you’re not ready for him yet, the rush of memories you would get from him would be too overwhelming and you might break again” 

“So what? I’m essentially talking to myself?” 

“I guess...”

“Super helpful” 

“Well you remembered I was a Captain... so that’s... something?” 

“What is this place?” 

“Your home” 

“Why is it... destroyed? Is it a metaphor? I hate metaphors” 

“Perhaps but it looks like this because you’re rebuilding it” 

“How do I get out?” 

“The door?” 

“No I mean how do I get out of my brain and back to the real world?” 

“You gotta remember...” 

I look up to the roof “... remember what?” when I look back he’s gone “... well that was rude...”

Ok, this is fine. This is absolutely fine. Great. Thanks Fuckass super helpful. An object, find an object. This is an empty building. Can I make the building... echo? Nope. Nothing is happening. Maybe I don’t need to remember EVERYTHING. Maybe I just need to remember the past month and the rest will come? So a recent object? Would be helpful if I remembered the last week never mind the last month. 

I’m still clutching the photograph. Maybe if it changes again that would be... helpful? It doesn’t. 

“I don’t wanna be stuck here forever apparently I have a life outside of here and I’d like to get back to it so brain if you could reboot anytime soon that would be wonderful” 

Nothing. 

I screw my eyes shut and try and visualise the tornado again, maybe it can land me in the bed my body is in? Hospital wing at Stark Tower, have I been there before? What is a Stark and why do they have a tower? What would happen if I jumped off the plank? Into the hole below? Would I wake up that way? Seems to be the best idea I’ve had yet. 

Only when I open my eyes I’m not in the building anymore. I’m standing at the back of an elevator clinging to a golden railing, the weird purple dress slash robe has gone and I’m wearing smart black trousers with a coordinating top, and sneakers. I didn’t pick this outfit myself, did I? And why didn’t the tornado bring me here? Brain? Newsflash. YOU SUCK BALLS ON PLANET THIS IS BULLSHIT. 

The doors slide open and there is his, Bucky, he’s casually leaning on the doorframe holding the elevator open, there’s nothing behind him. Only blackness. He’s got the daisy shirt on from the photograph. 

“Hey... you coming out?” 

“You’re not really here you’re just my brains version of you... so... no” 

“Should I come in?” 

“I’m not ready for you” 

“I don’t know if you ever were... but the feeling was mutual... I’m coming in... what’s the worst that could happen?” 

“My brain could break again” 

“Or it could get better... are you willing to take the risk?” 

“Are you always so dangerous?” 

“I try not to be...” he steps inside and the elevator doors close behind him but we don’t go up, or down “... hi...” 

“Hello... could you... stay over there please?” 

“Do I smell?” 

“A little too good.... what is that? Tom Ford? And... oil... and... do you smoke weed?” 

“Don’t be afraid of it Savannah let it pull you in... let it pull you back...” 

“Let what...” the elevator starts to shake and I flatten myself against the back wall, the tornado is back but it’s only inside my head. 

Bucky’s still stood over the other side of the elevator smiling at me “... don’t be afraid Savannah...” 

The force of whatever is happening pulls me to my knees as it washes over me. Images and feelings and smells and memories. I try to right myself and stand up but the floor has gone. So I fall and I fall and I fall. I fall for so long I run out of breath from screaming. I take another breath in to let out another scream but it doesn’t come out. And I don’t feel like I land but I must do because I’m aware of a solid yet soft surface underneath my body, and I feel solid. Way more solid than I’ve felt before. Am I back? Do I remember everything? I do... oh god I do... I know who I am. I know where I am. I know what happened. I know. 

“Hey can I get some help in here? Her heart rate is spiking... HELLO... ANYONE...” 

Bucky. 

Open your eyes Savannah, open your eyes. 

“Bucky...” he’s just out of my line of slight but I can see the back of his head, did he not hear me? My voice feels weird “...Bucky...” He spins round, he looks awful, worse than when I got shot and ended up in here, worse than when he drank too much coffee and didn’t sleep for four days. His hoody is rumbled and clearly not been changed for days. His bags under his eyes are deep purple, his beard wild and unkept and his hair is sticking up all over his head where he’s slept on it and continually run his hands through it “... you look like shit...” 

“Savannah?” 

“Hi...” 

He puts his hands over his face and rubs it “... you’re... hi...” 

I reach my hand out towards him “... sorry... I got a bit lost there...” 

He’s back at the side of my bed, only when he looks down on me the expression on his face changes, it’s not bad more... confused “... you...” 

“What? Have I got something in my teeth Tony made me eat some weird supposed to taste like candy protein bar and it was awful... plus that was what a week ago and...” 

“No...” he’s running his flesh hand through my hair, brushing it out of my face “... your eyes... they’re... purple?”

“Oh... is it bad?” 

“Bad? It’s BEAUTIFUL...” 

“I missed you Buck...” 

He leans down and kisses my forehead “... oh Doll you have no idea...”


	76. Mama said knock you out

“I’ll be right back Savannah... please don’t go anywhere...” 

“I doubt I’d get far Buck... I’m attached to too many... things...” 

I leave her in the room, she’s got a nurse, Sharon I think, making sure her vitals are all stable. I make sure I’m out of view. So she can’t see me. I sink to the floor, my back sliding down the wall beside the door and I let the tears flow from me. Tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of holy fuck I’m so fucking tired. A body slides down the wall next to me. 

“She’s awake?” 

I wipe my eyes with the heel of my flesh hand “Yeah... she is and she has purple eyes... purple eyes Sam” 

“Then why are you crying? I mean they’re obviously very manly tears but still...” 

“Happy... relieved... exhausted... take your pick... are the animals ok?” 

“Yeah... with Wanda... when FRIDAY said she was awake I figured I’d not bring them straight in, just in case... has she said anything? ... about sleep? Or... Charles?” 

“Yeah... she said exactly what he did, she was in space, then how she defeated that... woman... then she said she was at home and in an elevator? I was more paying attention to the fact she’s awake Sam... awake... I should... call people...” 

“FRIDAY put out a notification so...” 

Janis comes rushing down the corridor “... why are you sat there? what’s wrong?” 

Sam speaks for me “... just a little overwhelmed Janis that’s all... he’ll be right back...” 

“Mom? Is that you?” 

“Sweetheart... you’re awake...” 

“I should... call Charles... thank him... again... I was... rude” 

Sam’s slipping his cell out of his front pocket, it doesn’t go unnoticed that he winces slightly as he hands it to me. His shoulder must be bothering him “... here... his number is in FRIDAY’s directory... be nice... I’m gonna go see the echo...” he’s up from the floor and walking into her room “... Little Rogers back from space? I gotta tell you lady... hooo boy you kicked some ASS...” 

Do I even NEED to call him? Does he already know? Does he know what I’m thinking right now? I’ll call him I don’t know how it works... should I FaceTime him? Or just call him? I hit FaceTime when I find his name. I can see my own face on the screen, I look awful... I should sleep, or shower, or sleep in the shower? I’ll worry about it when I get her out of here and home, back to Brooklyn. 

“Hello Bucky... good news I trust?” 

He looks like he’s in a library “... she woke up about twenty minutes ago...” 

“And she’s... well?” 

“Dehydrated but other than that back to her normal self... oh... except...” 

“Her eyes?” 

“Yes...” 

“They were changed when I entered her mind, I didn’t mention it as I didn’t want to alarm you, there was a possibility it wouldn’t be a permanent change, there’s still a possibility they may change back... they’re purple?” 

“Yes...” 

“They matched the colour of the robe she was dressed in, perhaps it was a reflection? Her mind rebuilding colours? It’s impossible to tell” 

“I’m incredibly sorry for how I spoke to you when you were here...” 

“Bucky... you were terrified, I didn’t need to look in YOUR mind to know that... it’s forgotten... and remember please feel free to visit... we have so much space for your puppy to play and for Savannah to learn more about herself, if she doesn’t want to then perhaps she can offer ear piercing to my students, they don’t usually get to experience that kind of thing...” 

“Well thank you... again...” 

“Goodbye Bucky” 

I’m staring at my face again. Ugh. Not good. 

“Hey...” I look up to see her standing over me, what’s she doing out of bed? She’s still got her IV fluid bag hooked up to her arm, she’s obviously wheeled the stand with her “... good... floor?” 

“I’ll be honest it’s not the best...” 

“Come on... we gotta go see someone... I’d offer to pull you up but...” 

“I got it...” I lift myself up from the floor “... I got it...” 

“Come on...” I figure she wants to see the animals. Only when we get in the elevator she hits the button for another floor, I open my mouth but she cuts me off “... nope...” I try again “... nope...” 

The elevator slides open and I can see the back of his head. Sitting on the couch. With the blinds drawn. In the dark. And he says I’m emo? 

There’s no stopping Savannah. Savannah in her hospital gown that she’s holding closed across her butt and her bare feet and no bra. And weirdly beautiful now purple eyes. She stomps across the cold floor dragging her IV stand with her until she’s stood in front of the couch. I’m barely out of the elevator. 

There’s a sniffling sound “... you’re awake? ... and still... here? you shouldn’t be up here Savannah as much as I’m pleased to see you’re not... asleep anymore” 

“You...” she somehow points to me even with her hands full “... sit...” I shake my head “... NOW” I swear her voice makes the drapes shake, I can’t work out if it’s super sexy or super scary. Probably not the time for ME to think with my dick “... I won’t ask again Sargent” 

“FINE...” I in no way... stomp over to the couch, or throw myself down on it with a thud. Because I am an adult. I also do not keep my head incredibly straight so I don’t look not even for a second at... him. 

“YOU FUCKING IDIOTS...” we both try to speak but she cuts us off “... no you both lost your right for arguments in a quin jet over Eastern Europe... YOU FUCKING IDIOTS...” she sways slightly and I move as if I need to catch her “... I’m fine... I’m fine...” she puts herself back on steady feet “... now you listen to me Barnes because I’m not going to repeat myself... THIS WAS NOT STEVE’S FAULT...” 

“But...” 

“Did I say I was done? Mystique... Raven whatever you want to call her is a SHAPESHIFTER... who’s more skilled in the art of infiltration than Nat and Nat was TRAINED FROM WHEN SHE WAS A BABY... she wanted in... here and she would’ve done it any number of ways... who knows how long she’d be planning it, she could’ve if she’d wanted to disguised herself as YOU and got in here because Steve loves you... and NOT ONLY did WE tell Steve to not think with his dick anymore but WE chose to GET DRUNK instead of raising an alarm... so YOU AND ME should apologise to Steve... Steve I’m sorry, for not telling you about the echo AND for not telling you about our suspicions in regards to Raven in the first place, really we... well I thought you could make up your own mind... you’re a grown up...” she stares at me willing me to speak “... Barnes...” 

“Sorry Steve...” 

“Look at him Buck, look at your friend who basically started a whole ass war within a war to rescue you from the clutches of evil...” 

I turn to Steve who looks possibly the most scared I’ve ever seen him and I’ve seen him face... things I can’t even remember right now but it would seem they pale in comparison to one Savannah Rogers in a hospital gown “... I’m sorry Fuckass... for not telling you... about... her but mainly I’m sorry for what I said... in the jet... I was... beyond scared, more scared than I’ve ever been in my life, the parts I can remember... and...” 

“It’s ok Buck... really... and I’m sorry for thinking with my dick...”

“See that wasn’t so hard was it? NOW...” I thought she was done? She’s not? “STEVEN GRANT ROGERS...” 

“Yes ma’am” he’s sitting forward 

“There are so many millions of women AND men in this world, I’d say outer space too but I think that’s off the cards... my point is Steven... there’s many MANY people out there... NORMAL people... pick one... there’s hundreds of single people just in this building that have all been vetted not only by Tony and his complex AI but also by Pepper Potts... so... next time we can blame them... also really we should blame Tony for building Ultron in the first place but honestly I can’t be bothered and if I EVER EVER have to shout at you two dumb fucks again because you’ve had a disagreement I will push echoes in your heads that trust me you will NOT like... don’t think that I won’t... do I make myself clear?” 

Steve leans over to me “... has she always been this scary?... or is it the purple eyes?” 

“A hundred percent the purple eyes” 

“I’m waiting... did I make myself clear?” 

“Yes ma’am” 

“Yes Doll” 

“Good...” she negotiates her IV to be able to sit down between us, Steve casually looks in the opposite direction as her gown falls open slightly revealing her wonderful brightly coloured ass “... are you ok?” 

“I’m fine Doll I’m glad you’re awake you wanna go see the animals?” 

“Wasn’t talking to you... I’ll talk to you later...” she turns to face Steve “... Steve?” 

He looks confused “... I’m... fine?” 

“Now is not the time for manly bravado Steven, you were betrayed yes but you were betrayed by someone you’d obviously developed feelings for, no matter who or what she was or rather is... so are you ok?” 

He leans forward, head in his hands “... I don’t think so... no...” 

She rubs her hand on his back “... well firstly good... it’s good you’re upset, means you feel things with your heart not just your penis... but don’t let it put you off letting another... person in your life... but for now you have earned yourself a golden ticket to the Savannah Rogers cupboard of heartbreak, it has everything you need... sadly it’s currently a cupboard of the metaphorical variety so as soon as I find my cell I’m going to order you a bunch of stuff and get it delivered here... yes?” 

“Yes... I mean thank you... also...” he sits back up to look her in the face “... you were so brave Savannah... brave and brilliant... I owe you... so much... not only did you bring Bucky back on that night but you got on a jet to EUROPE and well... kicked ass all over it... so I’m in your debt...” she goes to speak but he continues “... seriously... if you ever need a Captain America shaped favour do not hesitate to ask...” 

“Noted... Buck?” 

“Yeah...” 

“Take me to see my fur babies?” 

“Of course...” I help her up of the couch 

“And food Buck... so much food... real food... not fake superhero food... I am... so hungry...”

She’s been back in her room maybe thirty minutes. Hopper and Alpine went wild, well Hopper did Alpine was her usual indifferent cat self but she’s now curled up at the bottom of her bed back in her hospital room. Apparently before she’s allowed to go home she has to eat, drink and give a pee sample... just in case. Eating and drinking is not a problem, she’s currently making her way through a huge pile of scrambled egg on two bagels. Well I can only see two bagels maybe there’s more. I’m going through messages on my cell, which Jed brought over when he brought Alley Cat and rearranged Savannah’s clients, again, while he was supposed to be on his honeymoon. As friends, we suck. 

“Welcome back Kung Fu Panda... good trip?” 

“Tony... I’m eating... and I will not be stopped from doing so...” 

“Won’t take long, then you and the... pack can take the fanciest car I have back to Brooklyn sound good?” She rolls her eyes “... now look... Ultron that was on me... so... sorry...” 

“Did you actually just apologise?” 

“I did a bad... thing... and you caught the brunt of it for which I’m truly sorry... I am...” 

“But that’s not really why you’re here... the real reason is in that folder your holding” 

“Asgardian thing or guess?” 

She shrugs “Guess... but get on with it... please” 

He comes further into the room and places the folder on the table that’s over the bed, it’ll probably end up with ketchup on it, but that’s his lookout “... purple eyes...” he’s looking at me and I just shrug in response “... so you need to sign this...” 

“What is it?” 

“You need to be... registered... you have a... gift and... government requirements and so on... all it says it who you are and what you are...” 

She actually puts down her fork “What does this mean though? Classification... unknown?” 

“Oh well... we all have classifications, Barnes here is classified as a weapon of mass destruction... which don’t usually live in Brooklyn wearing their girlfriends UGG boots but it’s just the category they put him in...” 

“But for mine it says unknown?” 

“According to Wheels...” 

“Who?” 

“Charles... according to Charles the red head is class five, and she is the only class five there’s ever been and you defeated her, you might be the person who rewrites the whole classification system so for now you are... unknown... and no we’re not going to expect you to do... whatever it is you did on a regular basis, you’ve repeatedly made it very clear both of you that you don’t want to be involved in our not so super secret boy band... so sign it you can get out of here and go back to normality” 

“Do you have a pen?” 

There’s a knock on the door “... Bucky... can I speak to you?” 

“Sure...” I follow Janis a little way down the corridor “... is something wrong?” 

“I’m gonna head back to my van in a couple of days... you’ve got a handle on... this?” 

“Of course” 

“Then WHAT JAMES is taking you so dam long?” 

“Huh?”

“NOPE do not give me the ‘my brain doesn’t work’ bit, you’ve had that ring I gave you since December for the love of god get on with it... I’m not saying before I go back to my van but Bucky... soon... please? For the sake of my sanity... call me old fashioned but I’d feel a lot happier about being so far away from her if she was legally... tied to you and I know... I know me and her father never did but look how that worked out huh?”

“I hear you... leave it with me” 

She puts her hand gently to my face “You’re a good man Bucky... even if you don’t believe it sometimes... you’re a good man...” 

“Thank you for not being mad with me... about... this...” 

“Sweetheart once you’ve bailed your child from jail anything else is small fry... especially as she was with the avengers... now...” she tries to smooth out the wrinkles from my hoody and fails “... for the love of god shower... and I cleaned your apartment above the shop... by which I mean I cleaned up the devastation left by two intoxicated people who returned home from a wedding then one of them got kidnapped...” 

“Thank you... again” 

“You’re welcome... oh and if you can... try and persuade her to see her father... just so I can get some peace, he’s been calling me constantly and I am not ready to deal with him on a regular basis” 

I give her a mock salute “Yes ma’am” 

“At ease Sargent... I’ll come see you both before I leave...” she gives me a last broad smile before making her way down the corridor meeting Tony as he leaves Savannah’s room. 

I try my best to straighten my clothes out and once again fail miserably. When I get back to her room she’s reached the bottom of the pile of eggs and bagels and is now slurping a giant cup of her favourite blue smoothie. 

“Is everything ok?” 

“Yeah Doll it is... Wanna go home?”


	77. Turn around bright eyes

The first thing we do when we get home is shower. Not in a sexy way but in a stand under the spray clinging to each other ridiculously thankful we made it through our adventures in Genosha. Plus we both smelt AWFUL. Somehow after over a week we still smelt of mead and vomit. Thankfully the apartment did not. It was... clean. And I think I know who I have to thank for cleaning up the destruction of two drunk people. I scrub off the remainder of my fake tan and shave my legs because I like feeling like I have the skin of a dolphin? Plus I kinda wanna wrap my hair free legs round Bucky later very much in a sexual way. 

I trim the beard of ridiculousness. Because he still has an aversion to clippers and doesn’t too well with the scissors on his own. He hasn’t slept for a week, not properly anyway, because he’s an idiot. So he crashes while I try and catch up with everything I missed. Thankfully Jed had kept me in the loop by emailing me everything he’d done so I was able to run with ‘family emergency’ as an excuse for vanishing, again. I should really go and see Jed, I am hungry... I look to Bucky next to me and he is OUT, like sprawled out on his stomach, mouth open, drooling on to his pillow out. It’s... endearing. I put a kiss to his cheek as I leave and he doesn’t even stir, not even a little bit. You’re ridiculous and I love you but you’re kind of boring right now and I’m hungry. 

“Oh thank god...” Jed’s out from behind the counter at the Bean, the back to normal no longer a wedding venue Bean, as I walk in the door, he hugs me pinning my arms to my sides even when he releases me from the hug he keeps hold of my arms “... eye... eyes...” 

“Erm... it’s classified?” 

“Mmmmhmmm” he raises his voice and looks around the shop “... SAVANNAH I LOVE YOUR NEW CONTACTS SO CHIC... WHAT AN UNUSUAL COLOUR” 

“YES THANK YOU I THINK PURPLE IS MY COLOUR APPARENTLY I WAS QUITE BLIND”

He finally lets go of me “... that’ll do it... where’s the soldier?” 

“Asleep... very... VERY... asleep... and I’m hungry...” 

“Take out?” 

“Yes please... and better give me something for sleeping beauty... don’t think he’s been eating properly... while I... yeah...” 

“I’ll fix something for when he wakes up” he sets to work behind the counter, piling food stuffs in a bag, making coffee which smells... AMAZING. 

“I’m so sorry for what happened...” 

“Don’t be... I mean we hadn’t planned on going away... plus some kind of... international secret event took place at OUR wedding... well it’ll be one to tell the grandkids that’s for sure... from what I gather though Steve is single now?” 

“He is and you are a MARRIED man... and besides...” I look around and lower my voice “... I think he may be feeling a little emotionally delicate right now...” 

“And you’re... ok?” 

“I’m fine Jed I swear... got a fancy therapist for... people like me and everything...” 

“SAVANNAH...” I’d sat down on one of the stools at the counter but I spin round at the sound of his masters voice 

“Hey sleepy head....” he’s over to me from the door in three of his super soldier steps

“No... nope... I woke up and you were GONE...” 

“Ahh” 

“Yes ahhh... I was scared”

“Well that’s explains your lack of footwear... I’m getting you food” he’s only in socks, would introducing him to getting a pair of crocs that live by the door be going too far? Or really funny? 

“And coffee” Jed’s waving a full cup of Bucky’s favourite vanilla latte at him to which he offers one of his half smiles meaning he really was scared. 

He whispers to me “Just... leave a note next time huh?” 

“Here you go guys... it’s on me... go home and... TRY and be normal for at least a month huh?” 

I apologise profusely all the way across the street, I’m not sure he’s listening though too busy concentrating on dodging puddles and not getting his socks wet. I think I’m somewhat forgiven by the food I’d picked up going by the way he chomps into a BLT before he’s barely sat back down. 

“Sorry... again... I didn’t even think... I DO think we should get some therapy in soon...” I sit myself back down on my side of the bed, noting that he’d thrown the comforter on the floor clearly in his mad dash out of the door. 

“I’ll go to therapy IF YOU...” he waves his sandwich at me “...talk to your Dad” 

“Ugh...” 

“No... ughs... please Doll for me... now....” he actually puts his food down “...come over here and kiss me like you love me because we’ve not had... time in far too long?” 

One kiss becomes two and three kisses turns into the removal of pants. I’m flat on my back with his head between my legs. And it is HOT in here. I’m tugging his hair, and his freshly trimmed beard is scratching me in ALL the right places. It’s heavenly... 

“Right there... RIGHT THERE...” he gives a low moan that vibrates against me “... yes... keep... oh god...” 

I’m right on the verge of a wonderful explosion, my toes are curling, my back is arching when he stops. Just stops dead, shoots up from between my legs looking worried. Did my period start? Is it because I haven’t put my piercing back in? 

“Take a deep breath Savannah... take a deep breath...” 

“Why did you stop? Dammit Bucky is this some new withholding orgasms type kink I’m not down with it...” 

“You’re glowing...” 

I lift my arms up and sure enough, there it is “... take it as a compliment...” 

“If I... if you... is something... weird going to happen?” 

“... no...” he still looks worried “... no I swear... so please...” 

He’s got his flesh thumb rubbing circles on my clit “... say please again... and I’ll think about it...” 

“.... please Bucky...” 

“... see that wasn’t so hard was it?” 

Instead of going back to what he was doing he crawls up my body and kisses me deeply. Letting me taste myself on his lips. Then he straight up pounds me into the mattress. No gently gently, no whispering touches, and slow crawls to the finish. Hooks my legs around his waist and throws his whole weight on top of me. It’s fantastic. Absolutely glorious. 

It doesn’t take me long till I’m on the edge again. 

“I... oh... god...” he makes a guttural sound in my ear which just speeds it up even more because knowing that he’s enjoying himself as much as I am is a huge turn on for me. I know I’m glowing but I don’t care and if he’s noticed he doesn’t care either. As it happens as I break beneath him it’s like a star exploded. Like a blanket of light cascades out of me and hangs over the bed. 

He’s staring at me again with that puzzled look when but I run my nails up his back, right up to his hair line and with it being a little on the shaggy side so I can tug it the puzzled look turns into a oh fuck look along with a moan loud enough to rattle the skylight. 

“Are you... good?” He’s got his head on my boobs 

“Apart from you squishing my boobs yeah...” 

“Will you...” he twiddles with my left nipple “... put your jewellery back in?”

“You miss it?” I’ve managed to wrangle my stupefied arm around him so I can continue to tug his hair 

“Yeah... plus I wanted to see if I turned this this way...” he twists my nipple, but not painfully so “... if I could tune you into FM radio...” 

“Your age is showing again... but yes I’ll put them back in, the genital one though... probably not, it’ll have healed up by now and that would mean having it pierced again... which would mean no touching...” 

“Well... it was fun while it lasted?” 

“Exactly” 

“I do think maybe you should talk to someone about the glowing though...” 

“Like who? I’m not easily embarrassed but talking to someone about the fact that I have started glowing when I get... excited might be even be a bit beyond me plus I told you why it happens...” 

“No you didn’t...” I get a kiss to the end of my nose as he lifts himself away and literally goes back to eating his sandwich 

“Oh... well it was explained to me that it’s like a constant spark that ignites into a flame... and apparently now I do it when I orgasm... or maybe it’s just some left over energy from our adventures?” 

“I think I might need sunglasses if it’s gonna happen every time...” he turns to look back at me and almost drops his sandwich 

“What?” 

“Yeah your eyes are glowing” 

“But they’re still purple?”

“Yes but... let me repeat myself... THEY’RE GLOWING...” 

“Shall I put sunglasses on?” 

“No...” he peers into my face, dropping mayo on my chest as he leans over me “... I think it’s stopping” 

“Watch your sandwich” 

“Not the first time you’ve... white substance... on your...” he waves his sandwich across me, meaning now I’ve got a slice of tomato to add to the mayo, doesn’t phase him though he just picks it up and eats it 

“Bucky... gross... come on” 

“... been to war...” another bite of his sandwich “... eaten worse...” shoulder shrug 

“...it’s not war anymore...” 

“The past week kind of felt like it... ugh Europe, I don’t do well in Europe... fucking Steve” 

“... wasn’t his fault...” 

“I know... I know... did you run across New York in your underwear?” 

I pull myself into a sitting position and grab my coffee, incredibly glad I went for iced, with minimal ice right now “... I tried to but I only made it out on the street before Sam got me, took me to Tony, we went to see Professor Wheels and then came to you... oh wait after we went to the school we found your arm and I threw up blue Gatorade all over a parking lot...” 

“... as bad as it all was, you gotta admit it was kind of funny... I only had one arm, Steve was still in his wedding suit, everyone was hungover... I tried to A Team my way out of that cell with the contents of Steve’s pockets...” 

“Do you think we’ve learnt any lessons? Apart from not getting drunk when we need to do something important?” 

“Always carry a Swiss Army knife... ALWAYS...”

“Are you... ok... being back here?” 

“Yes... I mean I honestly have no recollection of being... taken... I fell asleep next to you and woke up on a plane with Steve...” 

“I saw... you... being dragged out of here” 

He freezes for a moment, then puts his precious sandwich down before tackling me back down flat on the bed “... oh Savannah... Doll I didn’t...” he’s running his fingers through my hair “... I had no idea... will you tell me? ... only if you want to ...” 

“I’m surprised no one else told you...” 

“.... to be honest while you were asleep a lot of people said a lot of things and I don’t remember half of it...” 

“She must’ve dosed us with the same stuff... only mine didn’t knock me out for long it paralysed me... I could see what she was doing but couldn’t do anything about it... she... she gave me some villainous speech while all I could do was lay here... you still had your arm on so she obviously got rid of that after she’d taken you... I laid here for... two hours I think just trying to persuade my body to move, then my finger twitched and my shoulders shrugged and it all came back really quickly after that and I ran...” 

“You’re my hero...” 

“Yeah well we are even now...” 

“Was she... blue?” 

“No... not when she took you... is it wrong I’d have liked to have seen Steve’s face when he found out?” 

“Oh it was like...” I look to him as he pulls a perfect bewildered Steve Rogers face “... I’ve seen him make that face a couple of times when people have revealed their true selves I just can’t remember who... but I remember his dorky face...” 

“You know you need to spend some time with him right?” 

“Ugh... I did... in a plane... in a cell...” 

“Buck...” 

“I know... I know...” 

“... doing something very normal... normal guy stuff... go to the batting cages and hit some balls... talk to him... he’s hurting...” 

“Did you send him the cupboard?” 

“I did... while you were asleep I ordered everything he needs so he’s probably doing ok right now... but still...” 

“At least we know why she wouldn’t fuck him” 

“Explain...” 

“She didn’t have the right parts... not when she was... blue... so my theory is even though she can change into people right she can’t make their sexy parts... workable” 

“I mean as theories go it’s not a bad one...” 

“... hey...” he pulls my chin so I’m looking at him “...I love you...” 

“Hey I love you... too?” 

“... I thought... so many bad things... like...” 

I kiss him to interrupt his train of thought “... and none of them happened... I’m here... only... slightly altered... ugh I gotta pee” 

“Don’t take too long... better take the puppy out to pee as well...” 

I’m up off the bed headed towards the bathroom “... ugh why do I have to come too?” 

“Erm... because I’m kind of scared to let you out of my sight right now... in case of... aliens” 

Yeah that’s not going away any time soon is it?


	78. Hot for teacher

I’m over thinking. 

Cant sleep. 

Gotta do two things. 

One gotta see Charles, say thank you. 

Two gotta see Dad, so Bucky will go to therapy. 

I sit bolt upright “I can kill two birds with one stone...” 

Bucky shoots upwards next to me, grabs his handgun from the box next to the bed and points it into the darkness “... kill bird, where... bird...” 

I put my hand out and use it to push his arm holding the gun down “... no Bucky...” 

“No?” 

“No... gun down please...” 

He places it back on his temporary night stand and snuggles back down pulling me into my spoon position “Savannah... I love you... you know that right?” 

“Of course...” 

“Good so please baby for my sanity do not sit bolt up right in bed and shout the word KILL a week after we went to... Europe” 

“Sorry” 

“Sleeping...” moments later he really is. 

By morning I’ve almost talked myself out of it but after Bucky pointed his gun way too quickly last night and oh so needs to go to therapy I take a deep breath and text him... Dad. I’m of course secretly hoping he’s busy today but the bastard messages back straightaway with an address I can collect him from ‘whenever I’m ready’. It takes a little persuading and A LOT of reassurance from me to get Bucky to let me out of the building never mind out of the state without him. But when I tell him where I’m going and who I’m going with he relaxes but only slightly. And makes me take Hopper with me, just in case I suddenly learn how to communicate with dogs and turn him from a furry cloud shaped like a puppy into an attack dog. 

The address my Dad gave me is super fancy, part of what was a warehouse district that got converted into huge loft apartments with doormen. He’s waiting outside because of course he is. Fucking Asgardian weirdness. 

“Good morning Savannah thank you so much for the invite... hello Hopper yes I’m pleased to see you too yes I am... are you pleased she’s awake again huh?” My puppy is such a traitor I’d put him in the back seat but as soon as my Dad sits down in the passenger seat Hopper’s all over him “... is he... ok to sit... here?” 

“I guess...” 

I don’t know if the silence is because I’m navigating myself out of Brooklyn or he doesn’t have anything to say to me but it’s super awkward. Me and Bucky have comfortable silences, we once didn’t speak to each other for four hours, but it wasn’t... bad. This IS. Gotta... say, something? We get out of the city and on to the highway so I don’t have the excuse of concentrating anymore. 

“.... I never learnt... to drive I mean...” 

“No shit... Mom MADE me learn...” 

“Well I may have an explanation for that... she drove this ridiculously old VW Beetle... and it would break down constantly... and I wouldn’t be able to go pick her up... even though she was very pregnant, and it was summer, her whole body had swollen up, she was NOT happy...” 

“Oh... so the last... memory you had was of her... swollen and miserable?”

“I thought she looked beautiful... but yes... would you feel comfortable telling me about your childhood?” 

“It was... normal? I guess... I was... happy as a kid I mean, fairly... tomboyish, until I hit high school and it all went to hell... I struggled with learning, but not because I’m dumb I just... I learn more from conversation than someone standing in front of a blackboard, and that... frustrated me so I got in trouble, drove Mom to despair... I was just... angry and couldn’t work out what I was angry at... and I was never good at verbally expressing myself... so I tried to convey my rebellion through... graffiti, mild narcotics use, dyeing my hair bright colours, half shaving my head, piercing my face... the usual... looking back... I was depressed not angry, now I’m medicated and not so prone to... rebellious behaviour” 

“Your poor mother... you went to... college though?” 

“Community college yes, finished up the parts of high school I messed up and studied art...” 

“Is that how you became a tattooist?” 

“In a roundabout way... I saw a friend getting a tattoo and realised it was what my art was missing, it needed to live, so I designed my first tattoo myself... at first I thought that was it, I’d just design them and sell the flash sheets but people couldn’t get my designs right, it was frustrating so I trained to do it myself, it wasn’t easy and it took a long time but well... I guess it worked out” 

“I’m very proud of you... I know you don’t need me to be, but I am... you thrived without me” 

“I got arrested on multiple occasions” 

“All part of the course in being a rebellious teenager with a kind of straight lace teacher for a Mom no doubt... would you tell me about... my parents?” 

“They erm... Farmor would tease me for saying no instead of snow and she was convinced I’d choke if I didn’t sit perfectly still while eating, or that if I so much as breathed near the piano the lid would come down and crush my fingers... Farfar was a goof, he LOVED cartoons, loved them, would let me eat sugar cubes out of this little pot he kept in the pantry... it was bad when they... Nanny Natalie and Grandpa Harry they just... went, one day they were there and the next... gone but Farmor and Farfar it was... yeah” 

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to...” 

“It’s ok... I miss them... all the time... I wish they’d have still been here to meet Bucky, Nanny Natalie would’ve approved of him I think, my tattoos, probably not so much” 

“Did you know Nanny Natalie...” 

“Made out with Captain America? Yes I was subject to that horrific piece of knowledge the first time Mom met the man himself...” 

“And before... Bucky... there were... others?” 

“Of course... none of them any good or worth remembering to you” 

“Understood... but Bucky is... alright?” 

“He’s working on it... he can’t seem to catch a break... if he managed a year of normality it would help... but I’m hoping things will even out... I think the apartment being remodelled is effecting him quite a lot as it was the first place he’d considered a ‘home’ rather than just where he ‘stayed’ in a long time and now it’s in pieces so... but when you’ve got Tony Stark in charge things go quickly...” 

“You know you’ve not... you’ve not asked me about my gifts... or yours” 

“Does it matter? The world changed a great deal while you were... away, normality isn’t the norm anymore, so I tend to just roll with it when things... happen” 

“I suppose that’s a good enough way of dealing with things...” 

When the conversation lulls it’s not uncomfortable anymore, and it doesn’t last long in terms of silence. I give him answers to his questions, and it feels good to do so, as opposed to telling him it’s none of his business. Plus I feel like I owe him after I was told he was vaguely helpful during my time as a... coma patient. 

We get to the school in under an hour, so Steve Rogers really must drive like a Grandad it’s not just Tony spinning lines. We park up and once again I fully expect people in Jane Austen period costumes to come running out of the front door. 

The Professor is waiting for us out front. Could he sense when I got near? I don’t know how it works. 

“Savannah wonderful to see you awake and not in crisis... and this is Sindre?” 

“Guilty...” my Dad shakes his hand 

“You know I much preferred the Miami Vice look” 

“Don’t tell anyone but me too... and you brought the puppy” 

“Hopper... erm...” I don’t want to take him inside, he’s house trained but does have a tendency to not know his own strength, or be aware of his tail at all times, and has a habit of chewing what he’s not supposed to. I spot a lone student sitting on a bench a way from where we’re stood “... would she like to hang out with him?” 

“You know what I think she would... Anna?” She looks up from the book in her lap “... she is somewhat of a lone wolf herself I’m afraid... it’s alright Anna...” finally she leaves the book on the bench and comes over to us 

“Hi... I’m Savannah...” I put my hand out for her to shake and she looks horrified at the notion

“It’s safe Anna...” 

Her hand slips into mine and her face lights up, she positively beams at me “... oh my god...” she has the sweetest southern drawl “... I can... oh my god...” she lets go of my hand and feels up my arms and even my face before throwing her hands around my neck in a tight embrace “... I’m Anna... everyone here calls me Rogue... how... how?” 

Eventually she releases me and steps back. 

“Savannah is very special” 

“Rogue? Would you like to spend some time with Hopper here?” 

“I would LOVE to... thank you so much... I’ll put my gloves on they’re in my pocket...” she produces a pair of black satin gloves from her jeans pocket and slides them on they reach all the way up her arms. I hand her Hoppers lead “... come on Hopper...” 

“He has poop bags and snacks in the little zip bag on his lead there... have fun... Hopper... play nice remember?” He gives me a woof of agreement before they head off to the lawn 

“Shall we?” We follow the professor in the building and toward his office that I first met him in. There’s two leather armchairs with a table in between with a cafetière and two cups “... please... sit both of you... it’s such a... well I’m excited to meet the both of you it’s not every day I meet Asgardians... or half Asgardians... please help yourself to coffee... it’s quite good, we grow the beans here” 

My Dad pours for both of us, I note that he puts three brown sugar cubes in his cup, huh, I do exactly the same “... thank you Charles for helping Savannah find her way out of her Odinssleep... I tried the... well the old fashioned way not that it helped” 

“I have some questions if I may?” 

“Of course Savannah go ahead” 

“Rogue?” 

He smiles “... she drains people through physical touch, their powers, abilities, physical energy... and she’s not learnt to... I don’t know if she ever will be able to... touch people without it happening... she could touch you because of your bubble... you could block her without even trying, it’s the first time she’s experienced skin to skin contact in a long time” 

“Oh... well that brings me to my next question... I’m... unknown? In terms of classification?” 

“Ahhh yes... I’ll save you the long winded explanation... I am class four, Jean class five and she’s the only one with that... honour yet you defeated her so... you are unknown... have you experienced any... echoes or... glowing since you woke up?” 

“Echoes not so much because at home I’m used to them, they’re easier to... tune out and as for the glowing...” is my face red? My face feels red... “... only when I’m erm... excited?” 

The Professor splutters slightly and then coughs “I see...” thankfully my Dad seems oblivious “... well I would say that will not forever be the case... as you get more used to... things it will cease... as the rest of you gift may do also if you don’t need it” 

“Thank you and erm... I’m sure you’ll be aware that... Steve has no desire to return here but I would like to...” 

“As would I, if you have room for an Asgardian?” 

“Sindre that would be wonderful, I’m sure you have a lot of historical knowledge, first hand knowledge that our students would benefit from” 

“I was thinking more... piercing? Or I could just come and talk to them about living... out there in the real world being a semi normal person...” 

“I think they would enjoy that very much, though no piercing below the neck, agreed?” 

“Agreed” 

There’s a knock on the door and what can only be described as a blue... beast in a suit enters the office. My Dad almost topples out of his chair. 

“Sorry Charles there’s...” 

I know that voice “Hank?” 

“Hello again Savannah...” 

He seems so... sad? He’s got the same look as Steve on his face. I get one of my feelings, this time it propels me out of my chair and over to Hank to hug him “... I like this look... very... furry...” 

“Thank you...” I step back from him “... usually I keep... the beast under control but... when I, not unlike you experience a strong emotion it tends to... escape...” 

“I’m afraid Hank recently got his heart broken” 

“Oh I’m sorry...” I look at his face and it clicks “... ahhh... oh... shit...” 

“It would seem that your Captain was not the only one taken in by Raven... usually I’m a lot more... cautious in affairs of the heart... I had no idea her and him were... romantically involved until YOU told me” 

“You could form a club with Steve?” 

“Perhaps I’ll do that... Professor... Bobby has frozen the fish pond... again” 

“Ahhh thank you Hank... we’ll have to cut this short I’m afraid... I have a pond to defrost...” 

We find Rogue outside with Hopper, and she’s now with other... students? Nothing like an adorable puppy to bring people together. With promises of returning with him for more playtime we head back to Brooklyn. The conversation between me and... him is light but not curt or unpleasant, it’s... oh Lord it’s nice, I had a NICE morning out with my Dad. Ugh, gross. But I suppose with Mom now back with her van having a ‘parent’ I speak to within the same part of the country as me isn’t always gonna be a bad thing? 

I drop him at his lockup when we arrive back in Brooklyn with promises not to stay away too long. I don’t even flinch when he squeezes my hand as he gets out of the Jeep. Hopper gives him a sad howl of goodbye and I head back to the shop. 

I’m shot as soon as I walk in through the door.

“Ow?” I can’t even see Bucky “... Buck?” I pull the sucker nerf pellet from the back of my hand “... I thought you were a sniper? You hit the back of my hand...” I hear the gun click again and this time I’m hit in the centre of my forehead “... BUCKY! if I get a weird...” I pull it off my head “... sucker mark in the middle of my head I will make you take me to the salon and pay for me to get bangs to cover it, I will then cry LOUDLY until my bangs grow out because I LOOK TERRIBLE WITH BANGS” 

“I was aiming for your chin...” I follow his voice and he’s literally wedged on this foot wide ledge that runs one side of the shop where breeze blocks become brick leading to the roof “...sorry...” 

“You had a good morning?” he’s clambering down the ladder he used to get up there 

“... actually yes, I ordered these before... Europe...” he’s gesturing to a large box of Nerf products on the floor “... I saw a commercial for them and thought... fun?... wanna play?” 

“Well obviously yes but... I am hungry... ugh I miss having a kitchen...” 

He’s got his arms wrapped round me inspecting my forehead, he puts a kiss to it as I glare at him “... you’re good, no need for bangs... and I know... I miss it too... really I do... the kitchenette isn’t the same at all... for a single man? ... fine... for two of us... nope” 

“Erm can I point out you’ve not been a single man once while you’ve lived here” 

“You know what I mean... oh so... I reorganised the magazine interview which means...” 

“Gonna have to tell Becca?” 

“Yup if we had a KITCHEN I’d say let’s have her over so we can talk to her but... maybe we could ask her if she’d like to come walk Hopper with us? I don’t want to put her in an enclosed space in case she freaks out when I tell her” 

“She’s not the Hulk... but I understand...” 

“So food?” 

“Yes but not the bean, I feel like we live there... and I kind of feel the need to eat a vegetable... it’s been so long... can we go to Sweet Green?” 

“Yes but I’m still disappointed it’s a salad bar and not a weed dispensary...” 

“Uh huh” 

“What? It’s the perfect name... just imagine a weed bar, like a salad bar, or like those pick n mix candy places... but weed... amazing” 

“You’ve really taken to the weed consumption?” He’s unwrapped himself from around me and is slipping his jacket on. 

“I actually talked to Regan about it and she’s said it’s helpful for people... like me” 

“You talked to your therapist?” 

“That was the deal... you Dad, me therapy... you went with Dad, you in an enclosed space with your Dad... I’m proud of you... come on Hopper...” I give Hopper a quick fuss before Bucky puts him in his downstairs crate which is huge so he’s got room to move around in it if he gets restless during the day “... so how was... Dad?” 

We’re out the door getting back into the Jeep, he’s driving “... Dad was... good? I didn’t feel... like he was... intruding when he asked me about growing up... so Regan?” 

“Yup we Zumbad” 

“Zumbad?.... oh ZOOM... you zoom called her?” 

“Saves going to the tower?” 

“Are you avoiding Fuckass?” 

“No...” I glare at him “I’m not... honestly... I figure I’d just give him some time to get past the running for miles phase of his... sad... because Doll I don’t know if I’ve ever expressed this to you but I HATE running...” 

“Ok... oh speaking of Fuckass... guess WHAT?” 

“I’m terrible at this game you know this...” he taps his temple “... faulty memory...” 

“Zero fun club... one member... who is it? Oh it’s YOU” 

“Ugh ok... erm... your Dad is actually a frog?” 

“WHAT? No... and what does that have to do with Steve?” 

“Oh... right erm... wait he accidentally sent you a dick pic” 

“Ewww no... has he ever... done that... to you?” 

“Yeah... Bucky is close is in his cell to Blonde so... right so not a dick pic erm... HE’S secretly a frog?” 

“What is it with you and green things today?” 

“You said vegetable... so... green... just tell me...” 

“Well... STEVE was NOT the only one Raven... snared in her trap... she was also NOT FUCKING one of the teachers at the school and...” 

“WHY DIDN’T YOU LEAD WITH THAT? Why didn’t you tell me as soon as you got in the door?” 

“BECAUSE YOU SHOT ME WITH A NERF GUN... anyway so yeah... he didn’t know she was even... with Steve but that’s not the best part” 

“IT’S NOT?” 

“NO the best part is he’s actually a BLUE BEAST usually he keeps it under control but he said when he gets upset he loses control of it... so yeah Blue Beast” 

“I gotta come visit this school...”


	79. Bad medicine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told myself I wasn’t going to write today then I woke up with this dumb idea in my head, so have this little nonsense chapter ❤️

I get up and go to work. I get up get dressed in my work clothes put on my work make up, grab my little tattoo kit and head out to The Pink Palace. And I LOVE it. Finally some normality. Bucky barely stirs but I know he’s ok as he Uber Eats me a lunch order. Which I am thoroughly grateful for as the cell reception in here is super sketchy, something left over from when it was a strip club? I was only half listening when Owen told me. And don’t tell Bucky but a day without him stressing over me where I can concentrate on my job and on my clients is WONDERFUL. I do a three hour Pulp Fiction piece on a guy called Sean and a four hour piece of a Beetlejuice scene on a girl called Lydia (probably why she loves it so much). 

After I clean up and leave my cell pings with a solitary message from Bucky ‘I don’t mean to alarm you but I think I may be dead’ 

Ok then. I call him but it just rings out. 

That’s not... good? 

I do way over the speed limit in getting back to the shop where I find all the lights off, it’s dark. Did he go out?

“BUCKY?” I hear Hopper bark from upstairs “...BUCKY STOP FUCKING AROUND... YOU TELL ME YOU’RE JUMPY AFTER... EUROPE... WELL WHAT ABOUT ME?” I stomp up the stairs “BUCKY...” My heart rate was elevated anyway but when I see his body wrapped in the comforter like a pig in a blanket I think it’s going to beat out of my chest. I fear the absolute worst until he coughs “...Buck?”

“I think I’m dead...” 

I know what’s happened I can tell by his voice but I’ll play along. I sit on the edge of the bed and brush his hair back out of his face, he’s super sweaty, gross, thanks Buck “... and can you describe to me what lead to this assumption?” 

More coughing “... avenge me Savannah, avenge me when I’m gone...” 

“Uh huh” 

“Why aren’t you taking me seriously? I’m dying here...” 

“Well maybe I can help you... not die... describe your symptoms soldier” 

“UGH... my head hurts, my throat hurts, one minute I’m freezing, the next boiling, I can’t BREATHE out of my nose... and I AM GOING TO DIE...” 

“I see... well I don’t think you’re going to die” 

“I’m not?” 

“Nope... you’ve got a very serious case of man flu” 

“What’s that?” 

“A cold Bucky... you have a cold” 

“Don’t be ridiculous... I’m a...” huge sneeze “...super soldier” 

“Uh huh” 

“Ugh... I’m gonna call nine one one... I NEED AN AMBULANCE... at least they’ll be sympathetic to me not like you...” Hopper gives a low howl from where he’s sprawled out at the end of the bed “... tell her Hopper...” 

“I’ll be right back...” I slip off the bed and halfway down the stairs into the shop, pulling my cell out of my purse “... Fuckass” 

“Little Rogers thank you for the metaphorical cupboard, it really did help, what’s up?” 

“Since you got... erm... made... big have you gotten a cold?” 

“Yeah... I mean I get run down just like every one else I just get over it quicker now, in fact last year or was it the year before I got pneumonia, was not... whoooo boy was not pretty... why?” 

“Bucky thinks he’s dying” 

“And he’s got a cold?” 

“Yup” 

“Ahhh the serum did many things but could stop not a common cold... you need help?” 

“Nah I just needed to check it was... possible” 

“Oh yeah it’s possible... good luck” he’s laughing as he hangs up 

“SAVANNAH WHO ARE...” cough cough splutter splutter “... TALKING TO... I’M DYING PAY ATTENTION TO ME...” 

“I’ll be right back Buck...” 

“MY HEAD HURTS” 

“Then stop shouting” 

“You’re so fucking mean...” 

“I heard that” 

“GOOD” 

I’ve still got my cell in my hand so I go through my phonebook until I find the number I want, praying they’re not too busy to answer as I need help with this, just for the sake of my own sanity more than anything else “Helen Hi...” 

“Hello Savannah... how are you? Does Bucky need his meds refilling?” 

“No... he has a cold...” 

“Ahhhh...” 

“Now me being a person of the kind of regular variety I would take some Advil and some cough meds but he’s not of the regular variety... my main concern is bringing his fever down, because if he starts hallucinating that is not going to be fun for anyone” 

“He can take the same as you, he just needs a much larger dose, so you’d take two right? Give him six to begin with, then another two four hours later, he’ll burn it off quicker the cold symptoms and the meds... keep him hydrated and he’ll be back to normal in a day or so but if he isn’t and you can’t get his temperature down to what is normal for him then bring him in here... but more than likely I think with all that happened in... Europe he’s gotten run down, it happens..” 

“SAVANNNAAAAAAAAHH” 

“Thanks Helen...” 

“Not a problem” she hangs up, also laughing, great. 

Cell back in purse I head back upstairs. He’s still in his cocoon of comforter. I take my seat on the edge of the bed again, noting Alley Cat has been added to the piles of bodies on his supposed death bed. 

“So....” 

“I’m dying... I knew it... play Ride of the Valkyries at my funeral...” 

“Bucky... you’re not dying... stop being so dramatic...” 

“Take me to Steve... he’ll take care of me, stand over my sick bed and then avenge me...” 

“You are one step away from me booking into a hotel room ALONE so I can listen to some Taylor Swift again, ALONE...” 

“Sorry” 

“Mmmmhhhmmm now I can make you feel better but you need to stop complaining and listen... I’m gonna go to Walgreens...” 

“No don’t leave me.... I might die” 

“TAYLOR SWIFT ALONE” 

“Yup... yup...” 

“I am going to Walgreens I’m going to get you things to make you feel better, I’m also gonna get you some matzo ball soup from the late night deli... now do you think you could not die while I’m gone?” 

“I mean I can try?” 

“Good...” I reach over and grab his cell from the nightstand slash box and put it next to his cocoon “... your cell is here... if you get really freaked out call me... ok?”

Sniffle sniffle “... k...” 

“I’ll be right back Buck” 

“Savannah?” 

I stop at the top of the stairs “... yeah Buck?” 

“Love you...” 

“Uh huh” 

I’m fairly sure the pharmacist at Walgreens thinks I’m starting a Crystal Meth lab with the amount of cold remedies I put on the counter for her to ring up ‘man flu’ I explain and she gives me a sympathetic look. I grab multiple flavours of Gatorade and Vitamin Water on my way out. Basically enough artificially sweetened fluid to sink a small boat. I check my cell before I drive to the deli and there’s nothing. He’s probably (hopefully) asleep. I get his soup, I get saltine crackers, I get myself even more soup because if he’s got a cold I will undoubtedly get a cold (and go about my business without the dramatics) so hopefully the soup will keep me one step ahead of the germs, and you can NEVER go wrong with ‘Jewish Penicillin’. Mom would get it for me no matter what ailed me, heartbreak, depression, cold, hungover, Matzo Ball soup will cure all. Will it cure a super soldier? I guess we’ll soon find out. 

Hopper greets me as soon as I walk in through the door laden with bags, but that might be because he can smell all the goodness in the deli bag as opposed to him being pleased to see me. 

“Doll?” 

“Yeah it’s me...” I lock the door behind me as ain’t no one going out again this evening. Hopper can use his puppy pads down here and I’ll clean up. I have a feeling I’m not gonna sleep tonight, not next to a sweaty I’m gonna die Bucky and there’s no couch for me to sneak off to at least I have no client’s tomorrow.

When I get upstairs he’s sitting up, now wearing his comforter like a hooded cape, it’s up and over his head but I can see his face “... did you ever think that it would be a good idea to fill a bath tub with jello and then sit in it?” 

“Can’t say I have...” this is a hundred percent his fever talking, he’s delirious “... gonna turn the light on Buck... close your eyes...” he does as I ask and I flick the light on, there’s tissues everywhere, it looks like a teenage boys bedroom who’s just discovered internet porn. 

“Why did I have to close my eyes?” 

“Because they’ll hurt with the sudden light, open them if you want” 

He looks... TERRIBLE maybe I’ve underestimated how bad this is, or I’m just not used to him looking ‘sick’ tired yes, sick no, even through all his surgeries he didn’t look ill just tired. His eyes are bloodshot probably from all the nose blowing and speaking of noses his is red, like Rudolph. 

“So...” sniffle “...jello bathtubs?” 

“You’ve got a fever Buck, you’re a bit delirious... it’s ok... gonna fix you right up...” 

I dump the bags on the small counter top and find his soup, a spoon (a clean one that he hasn’t used for Bucky plus engine type activity). Count out six Tylenol and grab a bottle of Vitamin Water. I’ll get my own soup after I’ve tended to his. 

“I’m gonna go fly to the moon...” 

“I see...” I mean at least it’s not HYDRA based delirium which is what I was fearing “... gonna need you to take some tablets Buck...” 

“Are they poison?” 

“No Buck...” I stand at his side of the bed and hand him the tablets and the bottle of drink with the top already off, he looks up at me all wild eyes “... it’s safe... they’ll make you feel better...” he eyes them suspiciously before giving in and putting them in his mouth and washing them down “... good...” I put my hand to his forehead he’s hot, even for him, there’s no point in using a traditional thermometer as I’ve no idea what his baseline is “... ok I’m gonna get your soup... you think you can hold it?” 

“Yup...” I grab the soup containers and hand him his and a spoon “... I can’t smell this...” 

“I know... I got you some medicine to help with that but eat your soup first...” 

“...k” He sets to work slurping down his soup as I sit down with mine, no point in trying to have a conversation with him right now he’s not going to make any sense so I sit quietly next to him amongst the piles of tissues and eat, it’s a comfortable silence, well it’s not really silent because he’s slurping, sniffling and coughing “... I like you... you’re nice...” 

“You didn’t earlier” 

“I thought I was dying...” 

“Uh huh, how’s that working out for you...” 

“My body doesn’t hurt so much anymore...” 

I put my hand back to his forehead, it’s definitely cooler “.... think the drugs are working...” 

“I have a cold...” he’s laughing with his soup spoon halfway up to his face 

“Yeah... just a cold...” 

“I thought I was gonna die...” 

“You’ve had colds before you just couldn’t remember them...” 

“I didn’t think I could... get one...” 

“A year ago you didn’t think your dick could get hard and look how that turned out” More giggles, maybe I slightly overdosed him? “... was your soup good?” 

“I can’t taste it, it’s like my tongue is covered in fur” 

“Let’s sort that out huh?” I get up taking our empty soup containers with me and come back with some NyQuill “... ok ugh I forgot to ask... you know what just take a couple of swigs...” He downs almost half the bottle, good job I got two “... might make you a bit sleepy Buck but it’ll unblock your nose and make your throat feel better” 

“Bleurgh now that I CAN taste...” he’s handing me the bottle back “... thank you though...”

“Try and get comfy... you’re best trying to sleep sitting up slightly it’ll help with the coughing...” 

“My chest hurts... am I having a heart attack?” 

“No... it’s the cold I promise... hang on” I fetch the vapour rub from the bag “... lift up your shirt...” 

“It’s cold...” 

“It’ll be warm in a minute...”

I sit behind him on the bed, much like I did the first night we shared a bed and smear as much vapour rub as I can on his back and his chest trying desperately not to let it go anywhere near the parts of him where flesh meets machine. I’ve got my arm around his front when he stills my hand in his.

“Thank you...”

“It’s what I’m here for...” 

“Sorry for being dramatic” 

“... good job I love you..” I pull myself away from him and off the bed “...let’s get you in a comfortable position huh?” I grab all the cushions and pillows I can find and pile them up against the wall behind the bed “... there you go... I’ll get your blanket” he shuffles around until he gets comfortable in a half sitting up position and I drape his comforter over him again 

“Sleepy...” 

“I know Buck... get some rest it’s the best medicine...” I put a kiss to his forehead 

“You’ll be here when I wake up?” His eyes are already closed as Hopper jumps up to lay at his feet from where he’d been stretched out on the floor 

“Of course...”

“You won’t go listen to Taylor Swift...” sniffle, lip smack “...alone?”

“No Buck...” I grab my iPad and sit down next to him, I’ll worry about putting my pyjamas on and taking my make up off later “I’ll be here...” 

In sickness and in health.


	80. Marry that girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky’s POV

“Fuckass, what’s poppin’?” 

“Is that even English?” He’s sat at the dining table in the Penthouse sketching “... never mind so you’re not avoiding me? Because I messaged you multiple times about going for a run even said I’d run to Brooklyn to pick you up” 

“I hate running...” 

He turns around and eyes me suspiciously “... are you moving back in? ... what’s with the bags because Sam lives here now and...” 

“Laundry...” 

“So you won’t come running or to see me generally but you will come here to use the laundry facilities?” 

“Two birds one stone... but if you’re busy...” I head over to the chute “... why is this locked?” 

“I bought machines” 

“You did?” he points to the machines installed where there had been cupboards in the kitchen opposite where he’s sat down at the table 

“After seeing how much you enjoyed doing something... normal? Yeah I bought them and yes you can use them, the liquid is in the cupboard above... have you separated lights from darks?” 

“No I was gonna just throw it all down the chute” 

“You better... do that?”

“I know I’m not an amateur...” 

I dump the contents of the bags out on the table “... jeez thanks Buck you should come round more often...” 

“You said separate” 

He puffs out his cheeks in a sigh “... what’s with that bag though? Have you started smuggling drugs?” 

“What? No” I pick up the bag and sling it in the empty washer first “.... underwear goes in the bag so it doesn’t get trashed with the rest of the laundry... also you said you bought a washer not a space machine? Did Stark design this? Why couldn’t you just get the Amazon to deliver one?” 

“It was recommended”

“By who NASA?” I turn back to the table and start sorting light from darks, making sure I take out items that might need dry cleaning and I’ll work that out... later. I’ll do darks first mainly because there’s more of them, my girlfriend is... gothic? I think that’s the word “... and the liquids are...” 

“Cupboard above” 

“Right...” I open the cupboard and it looks like an aisle at Walmart “... what the fuck?” 

He doesn’t even look up from his sketchbook “I couldn’t decide plus variety is the spice of life?” 

“So instead of multiple sexual partners you chose multiple laundry liquids?” 

“And they all have great names like ‘island paradise’ or ‘cotton fresh’ how was I supposed to choose?” 

“I’m going with... ‘eastern promise’ sounds... exotic... how do you even turn this on? Does it give you head as well? Or just launch you into orbit?”

“FRIDAY? Regular cycle washing machine” 

The door closes by itself and the sound of it filling up can be heard, all be it very quietly “So...” 

“Sit down you’re making me nervous” 

I pull out the chair opposite him and sit down “... you’re... good?” 

“Are you?” 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“Savannah called me when you were... dying” 

“Ahhh yeah I’m fine... now, lasted like a day... I really did think I was dying... apparently I’d forgotten what having a cold felt like” 

“She took care of you?” 

“So long as I stopped complaining otherwise she was going to a hotel to listen to Taylor Swift alone” 

“What the hell does that mean? Is it a threat?” 

“I don’t know, to be honest I did not want to find out... she stuffed me full of soup and medicine and patted my head” 

“And yet you’ve still not put a ring on it” 

“You sound like Janis” 

“Well whatever Janis said I’ve no doubt she’ll have had a point... so what’s the problem?” 

“I’m here to make sure you’re ok... not discuss my... relationship?” 

“I’m fine Buck, I did some sulking, some soul searching yada yada yada... so again, what’s the problem?” 

“Where’s Bird Boy?” 

“Group therapy don’t change the subject...” 

“I don’t know how” 

“I think it’s pretty simple, are you over thinking it?” 

“No it’s not that... she wouldn’t like a fancy restaurant where she had to wear fancy uncomfortable clothes with lots of people and a harp and flowers and all that kind of... thing... but she deserves way better than me sitting next to her in bed and handing her the ring” 

“A middle ground then... what have you thought of so far?” 

“Disneyland, the Brooklyn Bridge, I mean the apartment would be best only there isn’t one at the moment... the park... I don’t know...” 

“Well maybe by the time you’ve made up your mind the apartment will be in one piece again” 

“Sarcasm does not suit you and besides I want to be engaged by the time we move back in, start off the right way” 

“Does she have a favourite love story? Can you repeat that?” 

“Nope she hates them.... can stomach the vampires and I quote for the ‘lols’ so that’s out”

“The roof garden here is nice?” 

“Ugh this Tower is... the bad things out weigh the good that’s happened here” 

“That’s because you shipped off to Brooklyn the first chance you got” 

“Because it’s HOME” 

“Well there’s your answer... whatever you do it has to happen in Brooklyn” 

“Super helpful” 

“So I’m thinking on asking Sharon to...” 

“NOPE” 

“Why?” 

“Peggy’s NIECE” 

“No she’s not... that’s... why do you know that? And I didn’t...” 

“Because you simply LOOK at her, I spoke to her... so definitely NOT Steve... a hundred percent not because of all the dumb shit you’ve done, that would top it” 

“But Savannah said in THIS building” 

“And you chose Peggy’s niece so... thank you next bitch” 

“Sometimes it’s like you speak another language” 

“If it makes you feel better you weren’t the only one the blue lady wasn’t fucking, she also wasn’t fucking one of the teachers at the school and he’s so upset by it he’s turned into a big blue beast” 

“Now THAT I AM going to need you to decipher... so... slowly... and in English... please” 

I leave the penthouse with a bag of clean laundry and satisfied that Captain Fuckass hasn’t gone full Dashboard Confessional emo. Now for the second job of today. Becca. Ugh, I know I have to do this. I know I do. But it’s gonna suck, so bad, so very very badly. I hate being lied to, and here I’ve been lying to another person which makes me feel super shitty. Super SUPER shitty. At least I’ve got Savannah for back up. We were gonna ask Becca if she’d like to take Hopper for a walk but the heavens have opened so that’s out. We settle on the bean, the scene of many of life’s great events, may as well use it for another one. 

When I get there after dropping the clean laundry off at the shop, well... throwing the bag in through the door and yelling hello to a crated puppy I head over the street and Savannah’s sitting spinning on a stool at the counter. I slow my steps slightly so I can just look at her despite the rain. She’s got THOSE jeans on, and where her skin is showing slightly I can see the top of her panties, green lace. Lord help me. She’s got a striped sweater on that I’m fairly sure is mine, or rather was mine, before it ‘migrated’ into her closet. And the Converse I replaced for her after her... incident. Her hair is piled on top of her head but I can see from here it’s got little braids woven into it. I love you. Where did you come from? Why can’t I think how to ask you? Maybe it’s because I don’t deserve you, you deserve the world. No, don’t think like that. She wants you to ask. You just gotta stop being a dumbass and figure it out. Shit. She’s seen me. 

“Why are you standing out in the rain? You’ll get another cold... you wanna have dreams about swimming in jello again? Come on...” 

“Yup... yup...” 

She holds the door open for me and we sit at the counter. Only there’s no sign of Becca? I’m just about to enquire as to where she is when I hear the doorbell ring and there she is putting her umbrella in the stand. 

“Hey guys... good to see you... you had... a... crisis? After the wedding I mean? All is good?” She’s behind the counter putting her apron on to start her shift, Savannah smiles at her as Brian speaks to her 

“So... before you start Becca, why don’t you go and have a seat in the booth in the back with Savannah and Bucky here? I’ll make your favourite, I’ll make all your favourites and bring them over... how about that?” 

“Erm... ok” 

Becca leads the way to the booth and slides in, Savannah gives my hand a reassuring squeeze before getting in first leaving me to sit on the outside, she’s done it on purpose so I can get up easily if I get anxious and need to leave in a hurry. 

Savannah starts “... so...” 

Becca puts her hand up “... it’s ok, I get it, it’s a baby thing right? I mean... if neither of you can... and we’re...” she points to herself then me “...related you wanna use my... eggs? I mean... I’d have to think about it” 

I look at Savannah completely bewildered because I have no idea what she’s talking about, can science... do... that? 

“No... that’s not... but thank you Becca... we were going to ask you if you wanted to go for a walk but... well the sky had other ideas today...” 

“Here you go guys... Becca take your time...” Brian lays out three coffees in front of us 

“...as I was saying... we were gonna go for a walk... so... Bucky?” 

I’m looking at Savannah because she’s... safe “Your eyeliner looks awesome today” it’s green, like emerald green in those little flicks at the corners of her eyes and now she’s truly over... Europe the colour is back in her face and her freckles are showing under her make up, you’re so beautiful... truly... marry me? 

“BUCKY” 

‘Yup... Becca...” Savannah squeezes my hand again thats wrapped around my coffee cup, I can do this, I can... nope I can’t... I look back at my girlfriend “... I really like your hair...” Savannah please start for me and I’ll carry on, I can’t, I can’t make the words come out, gonna stare at my drink 

“I’m sorry he finds this... difficult” 

“To say you guys are freaking me out would kind of be an understatement...” 

“Right sorry...” I know she’s looking at me, Savannah I mean, I can feel her looking at the side of my head as I stare intently at my coffee “... I’ll start and then Bucky can join in if he feels he can...” I swallow and nod. She makes conversation look so easy, one of those smiles and people will relax and tell her everything like they’ve known her for years “... Bucky isn’t who you think he is... the guy in the photos... your Grandmas brother...” 

“That’s me” 

“Oh very funny... no? ... you can’t be... you’re serious?” 

I finally look up at her “Yes” 

“But you’d be... old... or... dead? You’re what? thirty five?” 

“More like almost a hundred... I’m sorry I didn’t tell you... one I didn’t know how... and secondly I was trying to build a life I didn’t know how it was going to pan out and at that point in time it was... safer you didn’t know... and now... I’m going to be in a magazine article and I didn’t want that to be how you found out” 

“How?” 

Savannah takes this one “... much like Captain America... frozen... that’s all you really need to know” 

“So not ‘distant cousin’ but ‘great uncle’?”

“Yes” 

“Well... I... erm...” 

“Your Dad? I know we’ve not asked but if you’d be comfortable in telling us about him? And your Mom?” 

Thanks Savannah, you’re so sensible, and beautiful. Did I say that already? So beautiful. Marry me?

“Of course, my Mom died... complications in childbirth and after that my Dad... your... nephew? He took off... Grandma Rebecca raised me as if I was her own... I don’t know where my Dad is... I mean I’ve never really looked... did just fine without him?” 

“I’m so sorry... thank you for telling us though... we appreciate that” 

My nephew is a... what’s the word? Absent father? Well that’s... shit. I’ll do everything I can from here on in. If she’ll let me “You look SO much like her you know... and that bracelet I bought that for her when it was her sweet sixteenth... and... sorry... this is...” 

Becca reaches her hand out and puts it on top of mine that’s flat on the table “...thank you... for feeling comfortable enough to tell me... would you like to know about her? I have so many pictures and memories...” 

“Yes... but maybe another time...” 

“Because of what happened to Bucky he can become overwhelmed...” 

“Of course...” 

“If you wanted to find... your Dad though I mean I have... the means to do so...” 

“I’ll bear that in mind... it’s...” she takes her hand off mine and wipes her eyes “... I have family? PROPER family? I’ve been without since Grandma so... I have... family?” 

Savannah beams at her “If you’ll have us?” 

“I’d love too...” 

“I warn you though, we are... or rather we can be... kind of a disaster, we’re disorganised, messy... well I’m messy, Bucky is too but claims it’s ‘organised mess’... and we’re horrifically antisocial...” 

“But you’re... HERE... I... would you guys let me hug you?” Becca slides out of the booth and Savannah nudges me to get up which I do, as soon as I’m on my feet Becca hurls herself at me and wraps her arms around my neck, usually I’d freeze but there’s... something so familiar to the feel of this? Rebecca, she feels like Rebecca. I manage to keep it together enough to hug her back “...I’m so glad your here... I’m so glad you’re here...” 

“Me too Becca...” 

Savannah’s up and we open the hug to include her “... this is nice...” 

“Ugh I gotta work...” Becca breaks away first “... but I’d love for you to meet my girlfriend... if you... I mean your from another time and I’d understand...” 

“My best friend has been fucking guys since before World War Two so... but if she doesn’t treat you right? Then we’ll have a problem” 

“Awesome so... maybe we could... do... something? I’d love for you to meet her...” 

“Sure... I could get your schedule? Brian has my number... just text me... Bucky is not used to... modern communication...” 

“Oh man... this must be crazy for you huh?” 

“You have no idea... but I’m getting better at it, and I have memory problems, sometimes I forget things really easily so I apologise in advance...” 

“That’s ok...” she’s looking round me “... shit it’s getting busy I should... but thank you... this is... amazing” She leaves us and slips behind the counter, jumping straight into serving the line, much like Rebecca would do. Don’t ask just do. 

Savannah slides back in the booth and pats the seat next to her. I sit down and she goes to start talking to me but I cut her off with a kiss. The booth is well hidden, no one is looking. And I don’t care if they are but I know she does. 

“Hi...” I’ve still not taken my face totally away from hers “... you look beautiful today, did I tell you that already?” 

“Nope... are you... ok?” 

“I’m GREAT... good day Doll, my mind is happy, I don’t feel as if I’m dying anymore... good day... and happy day... sorry I couldn’t get my words out” 

“Hey anyone would’ve struggled with... that type of conversation... you got there eventually” she sits away from me meaning she’s done talking to me about ‘sensitive’ subjects “... how was the emo king of America? Still mooning?” 

“Not BADLY but kind of yes... I have loads to tell you... he bought a washer because he was jealous of ours... and yes I separated lights and darks... he has more laundry liquids than Walmart because he couldn’t choose which one he liked most...” 

“Why does that not surprise me?” 

“RIGHT? So I used one called Turkish Delight...” 

“That’s a candy bar...” 

“Oh no... wait... EASTERN PROMISE” 

“Oooo exotic” 

“That’s what I thought too and and and he was thinking of asking out Sharon” 

“The nurse? Isn’t she...” 

“Yup Peggy’s niece, he DIDN’T KNOW” 

“PLEASE tell me you talked him out of it” 

“I HOPE I did but he’s a dumbass so who knows... how was your morning?” 

“Spent the morning in bed with another man he was very snuggly... mainly down to his furriness... oh and another lady so a threesome?” 

“I see... and that’s it?” 

“Yup was I supposed to do something else? Can I remind you that I was the one who stayed up for forty eight hours while YOU ‘died’ I’m still playing sleep catch up” She yawns widely at the thought of sleep “... sorry” 

“Wanna hang out this afternoon? I don’t have anything to do that can’t wait...” 

“Obviously, what did you have in mind? Outside or... inside... activities?” 

“We could go get sushi and go to the movies?” 

“Every time we go to the movies we almost get thrown out for excessive... smooching... and you hate sushi” 

“But you love sushi... and you’re right about the movies... hey what’s that place with the inside golf?” 

“It’s called MINI GOLF and you mean Shipwrecked, I think...” 

“Do they have the... computer games?” 

“ARCADE games and yes... they do food as well, I’ll get myself some sushi another time...” 

I slip my arm around her waist to pull her closer to me “... tell me about the food...” 

“Wings, fries, burgers...” 

“Wings? With hot sauce? Why are we still sitting here woman let’s roll...” 

She’s out of the booth but stops and leans over me before I can get up “But James Buchanan Barnes if you put your hot sauce hands anywhere near my private areas before washing them first we are gonna have a problem” 

“I said I was sorry” 

“Uh huh...” she’s walking away from me those goddam hips swaying as she goes distracting me from my thoughts of food, goddam hips do not lie “... come on soldier... time for you to get your ass kicked at mini golf” 

I’m up and following her waving at Becca as we leave “... no because... really good aim remember?”

“Erm because been playing since before you even knew what mini golf was remember?” 

We’re stood at the crosswalk so we can go get the Jeep “... yeah well...” she raises her brows at me “... we’ll see about that... I mean clearly I have the advantage of age” 

“Oh it’s on Barnes... it’s on like Donkey Kong” 

“I don’t know what that means?” 

“Good... prepare... FOR WAR” 

She points her finger in the air and as the crosswalk man turns green she sets out across the street. 

Hey, I love you. 

Marry me?


	81. If you like Pina Coladas

I beat Bucky, not only at mini golf but also at a shoot em up arcade game which frustrates him more. He says he’s not sulking but he is, and does so for DAYS. I guess I bruised his ego. BUT this isn’t the problem we’re facing, the problem we’re facing is in the shape of a very brutal snow storm apparently on the way that the news channels keep hyping up as the storm of the century, yet we’re only less than a quarter into the century so it can’t be that bad right? 

The stores are crazy with people panic buying. Toilet paper mainly, so much toilet paper. I mean come on. I get nervous because I don’t want the snow to trigger some deep seated trauma in Bucky because he spent years kept by HYDRA in snowy countries and now there’s gonna be a lot of snow here? Yeah I’m nervous. Especially if everything shuts down. I talk to Regan and Hewie about my concerns and they assure me that the media is over hyping it and they both doubt it’ll be anything more than a flurry. 

However when we wake on a Tuesday morning we find the bottles of water next to the bed have fully frozen overnight. We try and run the faucets, also frozen. There’s no way we can stay here. It’s not fit for purpose. Not at these temperatures. We think through a list of options while we sit running every space heater we have, wrapped in blankets, even the animals are dressed in costumes to keep them warm and I guess it MUST be cold because Alpine happily accepted her bumble bee outfit without any clawing. At all. And it’s not even started snowing yet. 

“We could stay in the spare room at Jed and Brian’s?” 

“No it’s small.... and I’d feel... uncomfortable...” 

“Ok... what about Becca?” 

“She lives in accommodation for school... Doll it’s so cold” 

“I know Buck... I know... you doing ok?” 

“I’m still... me if that’s what you mean” 

“I don’t think we’ve got any other options” 

“Ugh...” 

“I know Buck... I know... pack a bag...” I glance up at the skylight to see snowflakes start to fall on to it “... we better move” 

Bags packed, animal paraphernalia gathered and a tense conversation about whether or not Bucky needs his gun for the journey we lock up the shop and head to the Jeep. The snow is falling thick and fast so I drive. By the time we make it to Manhattan at least ten inches has fallen and it’s showing now sign of stopping. The streets are deserted it’s like a ghost town. Bucky’s slightly freaked out but still doing ok, it’s the lack of people that’s doing him a heckin concern right now. I don’t let on that it’s making me feel weird too, one of us has got to be level headed. 

Steve’s waiting for us in the parking garage. He’s got on a snow parka that’s more like an arctic sleeping bag. And UGG boots. 

“Hey guys... welcome to your temporary home...” Hoppers thrilled to see him and leaps at him the second he opens the tailgate “... PUPPY... I know... I know... I’m pleased to see you too... and you Alley Cat...” she’s in her pack strapped to Bucky’s chest pushing herself against the clear Perspex at the sound of Steve’s voice “... so we’ve put you on the level where Wanda and Vis live, Nat’s on that level too but she’s away on a mission right now, somewhere very very warm...” he starts to lead us through the Tower, it’s deserted “... yeah Tony sent all non essential personnel home to ride the storm out, plus public transportation has been closed down... so... we’re down to well... Avengers and Pepper...” 

I kick Bucky when we’re in the elevator “OW Jesus... what the...” I glare at him “... thank you for this” 

“Not a problem... the shop got cold huh?” 

We’re walking past the door to Wanda’s apartment “... you have NO idea... the water was ice... so thank you for this Steve...” 

“Well here we go...” he’s pushing open a door for us “... it’s not as big as the penthouse but... anyway... get settled in and we’re... as in me and Sam will be upstairs come visit...” 

“Thank you... again” he gives us a nod and does his half walk half quick march back down the corridor “I think it’s safe Buck...” he’s stood hesitantly in the doorway 

“It’s not even close to ‘home’” 

“I know... but it’s better than hypothermia?” 

“I guess...” 

It’s basically the penthouse if it was a studio apartment, and unlike the studio apartment at the shop it has a couch as well as a bed (bigger than our usual one) and a proper kitchen. Maybe I’ll cook something. 

He lets Alley Cat out of her pack and I let Hopper off his lead and they set about sniffing every inch of their temporary space. Bags are dumped and he throws himself down on the couch and switches on the TV. I guess I’ll unpack the animals things then, we can live out of bags them not so much. Once their bowls are set out and Alpine’s litter box is placed in the bathroom I flop down next to him on the couch where he immediately throws his head down into my lap. 

“Buck?” 

“I’m not... good...” 

“It’s the snow?” 

“Yeah...” 

“You came to creep on me in the last bad snow storm... make sure I was... safe” 

“Over the past year those... senses have become less and less... programming trumped weather... and now the weather is... I don’t know... I’m still cold...” 

“FRIDAY? Can you turn the heat up please?” I feel the air get warmer as I run my fingers over Bucky’s scalp “...better?” 

“A little... it’s not home...” 

“Bucky...” 

“No listen...” he shuffles so he’s facing up as opposed to on his side, head still in my lap “... I hadn’t had a home in so long Doll and now I have one things keep pulling me away from it... it makes me feel... unbalanced” 

“Want me to see if Regan is here? Or if not you could zoom call her?” 

“No I’m not... there... yet... so let’s just hang out here with the fur babies maybe take a nap and...” 

“GOOD AFTERNOON CAMPERS...” Tony’s voice is booming through the sound system and Bucky groans at the sound of it “... I’ve got food on the rec level if anyone’s hungry, attendance is mandatory that means you too Barnes” I think he’s done but then “... and bring the puppy” 

“No... NOPE... Savannah PLEASE...” 

“Food though?” 

“UUUUGGGHHHHHHH... FINE but if there’s nothing fried I’m going back to the shop with a arctic survival kit...” 

It takes him five minutes and Tony making another ‘announcement’ before we finally make it to the rec level, Hopper proudly leading the way. He loves this place, or rather he loves all his human friends here who always have snacks and toys for him to play with. 

When the elevator opens of course we’re the last ones to arrive by the looks of it and Hopper the traitor trots away from us and straight to Tony who’s got a toy duck in his hands. There’s a long banquet table covered in so much food even Bucky can’t complain. I say hello to everyone first but Bucky? Straight to the food, he eventually catches up with me where I’m sat on the huge corner couch with Sam, Steve and Wanda. 

“It’s the trash man” 

“Fuck you bird boy” Bucky’s pointing a breadstick at him 

“Why do you two always have to be so rude to each other?” 

Wanda looks between Sam and Bucky and shrugs “... they love each other Steve, they just choose to express it with insults because men are dumb” 

“Amen” I high five her “... they are NOT smart” 

“Erm... can I point out” starts Steve “... that you Wanda are in a relationship with a microwave and you Savannah made me pull you across the street on roller skates” 

“Really Steve... because I bet my lady can give you a hundred reasons YOU are not smart and she’s only known you for a year and Vision isn’t a microwave he’s at least a Smart TV” 

“Thank you Bucky...” 

“You’re welcome Wanda...” 

“You’re both wrong though he’s at least a TESLA.... I’m going to have Tony put him on wheels” 

“You could use my roller skates?” 

“I might just do that” 

“So Little Rogers... what’s up?” 

“Not much Wilson...” he’s looking at me... strangely, specifically at my hands? “... actually went to work the other day... drew on some people... but since... Europe we’ve been kind of laying low...” 

“Laying being the word” 

“BUCKY” 

“Inappropriate?” 

“As always... but seriously, life is... quiet, it’s nice, it would be nicer if we had a building that was in one piece...” 

“Aren’t you cramped up in the shop though? I mean I feel like I go crazy cramped up here and it’s a whole city within a tower” 

Bucky answers her, he’s reached the halfway point of his food mountain “... I mean we do leave the shop, we went to Shipwrecked last week and it was awesome” 

“The fuck is that? Some kind of Pirates of the Caribbean bar?” 

“Nah Sam its indoor mini golf and arcade... kind of like a non chain Dave and Busters... they have escape rooms too but Bucky would either solve it super quick and it would be a waste of money OR being locked in a room would freak him out... either way I didn’t think it was worth the risk... also I won” 

“Because I let you...” 

“Uh huh... I beat him at golf and Time Crisis... it’s a shooter game” 

“Hang your head in shame Bucket as once again your lady whooped your ass... proud of you Little Rogers...” 

“Whatever I’m getting more food” 

“I’ll come with you...” Say what you want about Tony Stark the man puts on a good spread. Even if it is on the classy side of things it’s still good hearty junk food. I grab a couple of slices of pizza, some fries and a piece of fried chicken. Bucky’s restocking his plate “See... this is not so bad right?” 

“Maybe I was just hangry I mean the only thing edible because it hadn’t frozen was that candy bar in the back of the cupboard, and it probably hadn’t frozen because of all the bad stuff they put it them to make them taste so freaking good” 

“Plus...” I turn back to see everyone just sitting around laughing and joking “... there’s worse places to ride out a storm?” 

“Boss I got the NYC Fire and Rescue commissioner on the line” 

“Ok FRIDAY patch him through... this is Tony...” 

“Mr Stark we could do with some heavy lifting help if you’re up for it? Got a Staten Island Ferry in trouble...” 

“Sure, I’m on my way...” the line disconnects “... anyone wanna come play in the snow? NO?” 

“I’ll come Tony, been a while since I was anything other than CEO” 

“And me as I don’t feel the cold” 

“Alright Pepper and Vision stepping up to the plate, anyone else?” everyone stays silent shaking their heads, more because they’d probably be more of a hindrance than a help “... ok I guess it’s grown ups day out then” Steve rolls his eyes as Pepper and Tony head to the elevator, Bruce behind them but he’s going back to his lab, snow does not stop whatever he was doing and he’s was only here for the food “... play nice children do not trash my Tower while I’m gone” 

“Put me some more Mac and Cheese on your plate...” 

“Just get a second plate Barnes” 

He kisses my cheek “... see this is why I love you... sexy AND smart...” 

I sit back down next to Wanda while Sam tries to steal a piece of fried chicken from Bucky because Bucky is waving it at him asking him if they’re related. 

“You know... Savannah... the place you went in... Europe that was my home country... and well would you mind if I...”

“Looked inside my head? Sure but please stay out of my... private thoughts...” 

“Deal...” Much like with Charles I don’t feel an additional presence inside my mind other than my own, I maybe feel a tad warmer but that could be due to the layers I’m wearing from being in the shop to being here where there’s actual heat “Oh he has... rebuilt? It’s not so bad... thank you... so much” 

“I’ve been working on a milder version of what happened there with me and... the redhead... but I don’t want to do it with Bucky... perhaps... I mean not now because I don’t have control over it properly... but your mind is the strongest” 

“I’d love to... when the snow is over I could come visit Brooklyn?” 

“We’d be happy to have you...” I duck my head and lower my voice “... but for now can you tell me what these three idiots are thinking about?” 

She laughs quietly “... I try not to... snoop but yes... Sam is thinking of... a desert, a military base I think... Steve is dancing, as he often is, always with a faceless sexless partner... and Bucky? Well... his mind is different, it’s compartmentalised... parts of it lay redundant, I’m guessing that’s his programming but the most active part of his mind is thinking of food and love... and... are you getting married?” 

“We’ve talked about it?” 

“He’s thinking of it, like a presence constantly there” 

“I see...” 

“Can I be bridesmaid?” 

“Erm...” 

“No pressure...” 

“Doll...” he literally climbs over people and shoves them out the way until he’s sat down next to me “... what ya doin?” 

“What my Mom told me to do... gossip about boys with Wanda” 

“I wanna go pass out in a food coma...” 

“Bucky... rude... we should hang out with people...” 

“I HAVE...” 

“For more than food Barnes...” 

“Ugh...” he slides down the couch and pokes his belly “...fine... hey Fuckass... what’s the plan?”

“Must you call me that? And I don’t know...” Steve turns to look out of the window “... it’s still snowing so no sledging...” 

Bucky double checks the snow situation “... just checking he’s not lying... one time I used his shield as a sledge...” 

“Ahhhh...” 

“Little Rogers you packing the good stuff?” 

“Nope, we evacuated quickly so I didn’t get chance to grab the weed box” 

“We’re Avengers...” 

“SOMETIMES...” proclaims Bucky at Steve’s statement 

“I was GOING to say we’re Avengers and we can’t think of anything to do? I mean me and Bucky are from a different time, Wanda you didn’t grow up in this country so... Sam... Savannah what did you do on a snow day?”

“Don’t think this is exactly a snow day Steve this is more like a “event”... but my Mom would make cocoa and we’d watch a movie, or we’d go out and play but... I ain’t going out in that... I’m a Falcon not a penguin” Bucky semi loses his shit at the idea of a Penguin superhero but manages to straighten himself “... laugh it up fuck face... Little Rogers how about you?” 

“Well my Mom was a teacher so she’d still be at school with the kids who couldn’t go home for whatever reason and I’d be home alone... I dunno... I’d probably watch TV or take a depression sleep... maybe do some drawing... regular teenage stuff... the last time there was a snowstorm Bucky broke into my apartment”

“How... romantic?” Wanda’s got one eyebrow arched “... no?” 

“I had to check something” 

“And that wasn’t the only time he broke in either...” 

“So basically Little Rogers the way to your heart was to break into your home?”

“Nah the way to her heart was to have her kidnapped and shot right Buck?” 

“Not funny Steve” 

“You’re both wrong... it was by hiding in the alleyway outside my building” 

“And the way to my heart was by treating me like a regular person...” Bucky stares at Steve and Sam “... not a breakable object... and fluffy warm towels” he beams at me 

“Fluffy warm towels? You fell in love with Savannah because she had nice towels? Is this an American thing I don’t understand?” 

“It’s a...” his arm gets slung around my shoulder “... Savannah Daisy Rogers thing... HEY PUPPY... you done destroying your duck huh?” Hoppers in front of the couch with just the duck head in his mouth “... ANYWAY we’re supposed to be thinking of something to do not discuss my... our relationship...” 

“Board game?” 

“No... last time we played Monopoly you tipped the table in a rage Steve...” Sam’s pointing at him “... we could day drink? Starks got some very FINE tequila?” 

“I think that would just lead to trouble...” Captain Steve Sensible 

“This is the real life version of not being able to decide what to watch on Netflix and then picking something you’ve already watched multiple times...” 

“Less than two years ago I didn’t even know what Netflix was and now even I’ve seen the Office more than once” 

“So...” starts Wanda “... no alcohol, no board games, no outside, and something we’ve never done before?” 

“And...” continues Sam “... we’re in a tower full of endless possibilities...” 

“Is anyone gonna eat that Mac and Cheese? No...” Bucky’s off the couch “... guess I’ll have to then” 

Steve shrugs “I vote something normal, no powers, no magic, no wings, no super strength” 

Bucky’s back from the buffet table with the whole tray and Mac and Cheese and the serving spoon “What? It’s a stressful situation... I eat in stressful situations...” Steve and Sam raise their brows “... Sav tell them...” 

“If he wants to eat enough carbs to sink a battleship and not go soldier then let him” 

“We could watch a movie?” 

Bucky’s back down on the couch, feeding both himself and Hopper with the same spoon “And we’re back to the Netflix menu... so no... honestly I’d be good with a nap... doesn’t that sound good? We just take a nap... I mean when was the last time anyone who lives here took a nap just for the sake of it? Ugh so full...” 

“Stop eating the Mac and Cheese then...” 

He takes another mouthful “But it’s so good” 

“Twenty questions?” 

“Wouldn’t work Sam one non American and two people missing seventy years worth of popular culture... Mario Kart?” 

“Steve threw his controller through the TV last time we played” 

“By accident Wanda” 

“Uh huh... but video games are out” 

“You date a video game... Gym?” 

“I thought you were over the workout part of heartbreak Fuckass? Doll take this away from me... for the sake of my stomach... please?” 

I lift the baking tray out of his hands and the spoon, with a little resistance from him and Hopper and take it to put it back on the table, but at the end with the dirty dishes so no one else eats what has been licked by man and beast.

“Is there a pool?” As I turn back I see four faces smiling back at me 

I didn’t bring swimwear, and myself and Wanda are very different sizes so I just strip down to my underwear thankful that today it’s a pair of Bucky’s boxers and a sports bra, mainly because they were warmer and I’m kind of over being in my underwear around people with perfect bodies, I’ve no fucks left to give after I was brought here in my Spanx and Bucky’s blanket. 

The pool ‘floor’ is balmy and warm, plus there’s also a hot tub and sauna and a tiki bar?. Why didn’t we think of this earlier? It’s not a lap pool either it’s one purely for recreation. Maybe there’s another one where Steve swims back and forth for hours, or another one that’s for rehab? 

“So colourful... I didn’t know...” Wanda’s looking at me up and down wide eyed “... I want some...” 

“Anytime Wanda just say the word...” 

I jump into the warm water surfacing as Bucky floats past me on a inflatable pizza slice. Steve and Sam are sitting on the edge of the pool legs in the water. Wanda’s on an inflatable unicorn. 

“This is my kind of snow day... good plan Little Rogers good plan...” Hopper’s sat next to Sam and gives a bark of approval 

“I told you... sexy and smart...” another bark “... yup you tell em pup... hey... Hopper... come in the pool come on...” Bucky splashes his hand on the surface and Hopper gives another bark before leaping into the pool and swimming over to me and Bucky “... hey pup... hey... you wanna get on the pizza slice? ... nope? ... ok I’ll get in with you... Doll you want the slice?” 

“Obviously” there’s a lot of hilarious sliding around as he gets off the inflatable and I get on “... this... is... nice... are you two not coming in?” 

“I’m happy watching you guys for now...” 

“Bird boy can’t swim” 

“I can swim... in a fashion... and besides you are doing a doggy paddle next to an actual doggy right now...” 

“FRIDAY? Can you play my greatest pop hits ever playlist?” 

“Playing Scarlett Witch goes pop” 

The sounds of One More Time by Britney Spears floods the room. 

“You know Sam if you’re not going to swim I think this may be an acceptable time to start drinking? You know how to make a cocktail of any sort? Because I am now at one with this pizza slice...” 

“Do I know how to make cocktails? Of course I do...” He even finds cocktail umbrellas behind the bar. I’m handed some kind of rum punch in a plastic glass “M’lady...” 

“Why thank you kind Sir...” Bucky’s too busy diving to the bottom with the puppy using a weighted ball to accept his drink so it’s left on the side

“We should go on vacation...” Wanda’s slurping her drink through a wiggly straw 

“Right now?” Steve’s got a pitcher sized glass full of purple liquid 

“Not right now... but yes... vacation... Savannah you are... normal... where would you like to go?” 

“I went to Hawaii when I was a teenager and my Mom was dating an islander... it was awesome, I surfed everyday for two weeks... but I’m not a good flier anymore... if I was I guess I’d like to go to... Iceland... or Amsterdam... nowhere hot... unless it was the West Coast, I love Los Angeles... maybe a cross country road trip? Steve?” 

“Erm... I guess I’d like to see something historical...” Bucky groans “... so the pyramids? That’d be cool... and I’ve never been to Las Vegas... so yeah... Vegas... Sam?” 

“Oh if Im going somewhere I wanna go SOMEWHERE ya know? I think one of those man made islands in the Maldives with the cabins over the ocean? Just lay in a hammock and swing while people brought me drinks... Bucket?”

“Mountains... I like mountains... you know those vampire movies? Wherever they’re filmed, it’s so green and there’s mountains and lakes and beaches with huge washed up trees...” 

“Of all the places you could go, you wanna go to Washington State?” 

“Yes SAM... take the pup... run like wolves in the forest...” he looks over to me and smiles before he helps Hopper out of the pool and takes a gulp of his drink, which is bright pink “... plus I’m not a people person so if it was somewhere I could hide without seeing other tourists then yeah Washington... I know Sav wants to go to Disney and I’ll do that for her... mind you... surfing sounds nice” 

“You don’t do well with board based activities Buck” 

“I could try... plus aren’t there volcanos in Hawaii? I wouldn’t mind seeing a volcano... Wanda... where would you go?” 

“Erm... I think probably Spain... the islands... there’s places there where people dance from dusk till dawn and I think that sounds amazing... watch the sunrise... sleep all day party all night...” 

“I think we can all agree though that the ultimate holiday would be space...” 

“I’ll drink to that Little Rogers” everyone raises their glasses “... to space” 

“To space...” 

My drink is basically just rum and no punch “Ok I’ve got one... if you could be an animal what would you be...” 

“Oh... I know I know...” Bucky’s found another inflatable in the shape of a donut and is bobbing along drink in hand “... a raccoon... or a sloth” 

“So an animal that eats garbage or an animal that sleeps all day? Ok then Bucket... I’d be a shark I think... ain’t no mother fuckers bothering a shark... Wanda?” 

“I think I’d like to be a indoor house cat... just laze around and watch the dust spin in the sunlight... Steve?” 

“I think an alligator... or a giant lizard... they’re basically dinosaurs ya know... this drink is really... strong... Savannah?” 

“Panda... I’d be a panda... they just kind of hang out in the forest on mountains and they’re kind of loners so yeah... panda” 

“Me and Sav have these conversations all the time” he reaches out his hand to me as he passes and our fingers brush against each other “... it’s awesome...” 

“If you could see any event in history what would you see?” 

“Why must your questions be history related Fuckass? But I think I’d want to see the end of the war, seeing as I never got to... Bird Boy?” 

“Oh easy, I’d like to have seen the I have a dream speech... Wanda?” 

“Erm... I think I’d like to see Jesus... just to see what he actually looked like... Steve?” 

“Well I like Buck’s answer... but I mean if I could go on a vacation to watch the pyramids being built? Yeah definitely that... Savannah?” 

“Moon landing... whether I was on the moon itself or in mission control? Definitely the moon landing” 

“You told me the moon landing was faked” 

“Which is why I want to go... Sam? More drinks...”


End file.
